STORY OF A CLOISTERED NUN (1975) ** ½

Story of a Cloistered Nun begins with a scene where two babies are married to unite their family’s interests.  I’ve heard of relatives playing matchmaker before, but this is ridiculous. 

One of the babies grows up to be the headstrong Carmela (Eleonora Giorgi), who rejects being betrothed without her consent.  Her family then has no recourse but to send her off to a nunnery.  As soon as she walks in the door, the nuns are eagerly ripping her clothes off and pawing at her.  Despite this, Carmela eventually gets used to her surroundings.  Meanwhile, the horny Sister Elizabeth (Catherine Spaak) has special privileges like the ability to sneak men into the convent for a little hanky-panky and hold late night costume parties.  Elizabeth takes a shine to the new nun, but when Carmela rebuffs her advances, Sister Elizabeth sets out for revenge. 

Story of a Cloistered Nun has its moments, but it kind of stops and sputters in between the good stuff.  There’s a decent whipping, some female cross dressing, and a great scene where a nun sasses Mother Superior (Suzy Kendall from The Bird with the Crystal Plumage) and she punishes her by making the sister clean the floor with her tongue.  Some viewers (okay, maybe just me) would’ve probably been happier if the sleaze quotient had been cranked up a notch.  I mean there’s some blasphemous stuff here (like a nun having a baby), but nothing you have to say three Hail Marys for after the movie’s over. 

Giorgi has several nude scenes, which helps, but Kendall is kind of wasted.  Likewise, Spaak is kind of fun, although she never quite gets the opportunity to play up her character’s sinning ways to the hilt.  Then again, this might be the only Nunsploitation movie I’ve seen that rips off Spartacus, so it has that going for it. 

AKA:  Diary of a Cloistered Nun.  AKA:  The Diary of a Closeted Nun.  AKA:  Unholy Convent.  AKA:  Love Story of a Nun.

CRISTIANA DEVIL NUN (1972) ** ½

The opening scene where Cristiana (Toti Achilli) is making love to her boyfriend Luca (Gerardo Rossi) on an airplane is pretty wild.  Characters entering the “Mile High Club” in movies isn’t exactly something new.  However, most characters opt for the privacy of the lavatory.  Here, Cristiana and her man plow away openly in their seats while the other passengers root them on.  One guy even times them!  Incredible. 

But wait, it gets better.  After their roll in the hay, the plane experiences turbulence and goes into a nosedive.  Cristiana grabs the nearest nun she can find and vows to give up her sinning ways and enter a convent if God will save the plane.  Wouldn’t you just know it?  That’s exactly what happens. 

True to her word, Cristiana heads off to a convent.  It doesn’t take long though for her to regret her decision, and soon she’s hooking up with a horny nun named Leonora (Satanik’s Magda Konopka).  Eventually, Luca comes looking for Cristiana, but Sister Leonora manages to turn his head, which leads to heartbreak.  Cristiana then flees the convent and plows headlong into a life of sin. 

The title is sort of a misnomer because Cristiana really isn’t a “devil” nun, she’s more of a horny nun.  Then again, the title was probably changed to cash in on the then-scandalous hit The Devils, which was also about horny nuns.  Of the naughty nun scenes, one of my favorites was the part where Cristiana and her lover find a way to make love in the bell tower and keep the bells ringing while they’re knocking the boots.  There are also some hardcore insert shots that help spice the sex scenes up. 

Fans of Nunsploitation movies (like me) will be disappointed by the third act though.  It’s here where things kind of run out of gas.  While it still features a fair amount of sleaze, it just doesn’t have the same kick to it as the hour that preceded it.  That’s mainly because Cristiana leaves the convent and heads off to be a sex worker like her mother.  Again, there’s plenty of T & A during this stretch of the film.  It’s just that it was a lot more fun when our heroine was in the habit, if you catch my drift.  The overwrought theme song is good for a laugh though. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Toti Achilli’s only film role.  (If IMDb is to be believed.)  She is excellent and doesn’t miss an opportunity to bare all.  She also has genuine chemistry with Konopka, who is quite good too.  At least Achilli got to show her stuff in this flick, so because of that, we should count our blessings. 

AKA:  Our Lady of Lust.  AKA:  Life of a Nympho.  AKA:  Loves of a Nymphomaniac.  AKA: Loves of a Nympho. 

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE IN 3-D (1983) ** ½

Steve Guttenberg stars as a low-level government worker who has a run-in with an invisible spy on his wedding day.  Before he dies, the invisible man gives Guttenberg the formula and almost immediately, Steve-O is wanted for murder.  He accidentally takes the formula, which turns him invisible too and with the help of his cute future sister in-law (Lisa Langlois), tries to get the formula back into the right hands. 

The Man Who Wasn’t There was one of the first movies I vividly remember seeing in the theater.  (I was five at the time.)  So, because of my memorable viewing experience, I may be looking at it through rose tinted 3-D glasses.  Even now, I can acknowledge the film has its fair share of problems, but the blast of nostalgia I get from watching it outweighs many (okay, some) of its shortcomings. 

The film was produced by Frank Mancuso, Jr. for Paramount, who had just made Friday the 13th 3-D for the studio the year before.  I have a feeling that the film may not have originally been conceived as a 3-D movie.  (They probably just used the flick as an excuse to crank out another 3-D movie with the existing technology.)  C’mon, let’s face it.  The idea of invisibility doesn’t really lend itself to the gimmick.  How can an invisible man be in 3-D if you can’t even see him?  Sure, some of the floating objects the invisible man is holding look kind of cool in a depth-of-field kind of way, but few of them ever cross the plane of the screen and out into the audience. 

The movie admittedly gets off to a rough start.  The opening slapstick fight between stereotypical foreign ambassadors (one of whom is played by Return of the Living Dead’s Don Calfa) is pretty embarrassing.  Luckily, the movie improves dramatically once Guttenberg becomes invisible. 

Guttenberg has charisma and is a likable presence, even if the material he’s been given is weak at times.  It’s Lisa Langlois who steals the movie though as his love interest.  She is a lot of fun to watch and probably deserved to be a bigger star.  Lisa also gets some good nude scenes, including when she takes the formula and reappears naked while being chased by two cops.  Then of course, there’s her memorable sex scene with Guttenberg while he’s invisible.  The rest of the supporting cast is pretty strong and includes Art Hindle, Jeffrey Tambor, and William Forsythe.

The film was directed by Bruce (Nighthawks) Malmuth (who also appears as a henchman), although nothing in his filmography suggests he can do comedy.  (He can’t, really.)  The comic car chases aren’t funny and go on too long to boot.  In fact, the whole movie really could’ve been trimmed down.  It’s nearly two hours long and probably would’ve played just fine at around ninety. 

The Invisibility effects are a mixed bag.  Some of the optical effects are good (like when the invisible man gets knifed), but a lot of the effects are the same shit they were doing back in the Claude Rains days.  (There are even a few visible wires when the invisible man is holding something.)  When the 3-D and the invisible effects DO work in harmony, the results are quite striking like when an invisible man blows smoke rings into the audience.  The scene where Guttenberg’s boxers are running around on their own is amusing too. 

Scenes like this really captured my imagination when I saw it on the big screen.  I saw many of the 3-D movies that came out around the same time including Spacehunter, Jaws 3-D, and Amityville 3-D, all of which in one way or another cemented my love for the gimmick at an impressionable age.  

Speaking of 3-D, while the effects aren’t particularly outstanding, there are enough of them to warrant seeing it in 3-D.  Malmuth certainly utilizes the effects more than many directors did during the late ‘00s 3-D boom.  The effects include: 

• 3-D Opening Titles

• 3-D Hors D’oeuvres 

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Smoke Rings

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Invisibility Vial

• 3-D Telescopes (multiple)

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Gun

• 3-D Confetti

Then of course, there’s the centerpiece scene where Guttenberg walks into the girls’ locker room and watches Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens shower.  This might have been the first instance of nudity I saw in a movie, and it’s certainly one I have never forgotten.  It probably also explains my devotion to those iconic Scream Queens.  (Another Scream Queen, Deborah Dutch also appears as a horny secretary.)

Ultimately, even for someone who has fond memories of the movie, The Man Who Wasn’t There is just too uneven to really work both conceptually and from an effects standpoint.  The 3-D is good enough to make me say if you end up seeing it in 2-D you’ll probably want to subtract a ½ * to the rating. 

Writer Stanford Sherman also wrote stone-cold classics like Krull and The Ice Pirates. 

ANACONDA (2024) ***

Did you know that the year before the Anaconda remake starring Jack Black came out there was a Chinese remake?  While it may fall short of the first two entries in the official franchise, it’s probably the second-best Anaconda remake ever made.  It’s certainly a notch or two above the SyFy Channel sequels, that’s for sure. 

A troupe of circus performers head down river to Thailand on a rickety boat through a jungle thought to be home to the mythical “Crimson Anaconda”.  On their voyage, they pick up a stowaway.  The caravan soon learns their new passenger is obsessed with capturing the snake and isn’t above using them as bait. 

Anaconda is far from perfect but it’s a breezy good time.  It clocks in at a brisk seventy-nine minutes and there isn’t a whole lot of fat, which is always appreciated in a killer snake movie.  In fact, the first five minutes has enough scenes of snakes swallowing people whole, puking out their corpses, and wrapping around their victims before crushing them to death to please just about any Anaconda fan out there.  There are also fun moments like when an explosion sends hundreds of snakes raining down on our heroes and a gnarly bit where a baby snake worms its way into a guy’s ear.  Plus, the CGI for the snake is miles better than most of the computer effects normally found in Chinese productions. 

Sure, some of the snake attack sequences get repetitive (especially towards the end).  I could’ve done without some of the lame comedy bits too (including a scene with a “zombie”).  I also was a bit letdown that these circus performers didn’t have an acrobat in the group.  Can you imagine how cool it would’ve been to see a trapeze artist swinging on vines to narrowly avoid becoming Snake Chow?  Oh well.  At any rate, Anaconda certainly isn’t boring and boasts a fairly sturdy body count.  It’s no Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but it’ll do in a pinch. 

AKA:  Anacondas.  AKA:  Anaconda:  Cursed Jungle.

AGONY OF LOVE (1966) ***

Pat (Orgy of the Dead) Barrington is being chased down Hollywood Boulevard by a man and pauses long enough to wonder how she ever got in this mess.  Flashbacks explain how.  Seems she was a lonely housewife who made extra cash on the side by turning tricks while her husband was busy at the office.  Stifled by her boring life, being used by men is the only thing that brings her joy.  It may also ultimately bring about her demise. 

Directed by William (Street of a Thousand Pleasures) Rotsler, Agony of Love almost plays like a seedier version of a Joe Sarno movie.  It uses the lonely housewife motif Sarno was fond of, but Rotsler is able to avoid some of the soap opera style trappings of Sarno’s work.  Rotsler seems equally curious about his heroine’s fractured psychological state as he is with her sexual exploits.  Take for instance the arty dream scene where her Johns cover her in an unending stream of money.  In most exploitation movies, this sort of sequence would act more or less as padding.  Here, it helps to underline the inner workings of our main character’s mental anguish.  He also offers up some cool location work on Hollywood Boulevard.

It doesn’t all click.  The comic relief scene where the fat guy pays Barrington to strip while he stuffs his face kind of feels out of place, especially when compared to the heartfelt moments Barrington has in the psychiatrist’s office.  The twist ending is predictable too, but it is appropriate and works about as well as you could hope. 

These are relatively minor qualms in the long run.  First and foremost, the film is a fine showcase for Barrington and her incredible physique.  She also gets to show genuine dramatic range throughout the movie and has several opportunities to spout some terrific dialogue like, “You bought me, I’ll do anything you want!“ and “Hurt me!  Dirty me!  Just do it!” (even though her voice is dubbed). 

AKA:  From Lady to Tramp.

SWINGERS MASSACRE (1974) ***

Charlie (James R. Sweeney) is a successful lawyer who wants his wife Amy (Jan Mitchell) to join a swingers’ club.  She resists at first, but after a thoroughly unsatisfying night in bed with her hubby, she finally relents.  When the couple attend a swingers’ party, Charlie is unable to get it up for the ladies.  Amy on the other hand really wows the guys in the bedroom.  Enraged by the wives’ taunting and infuriated by the husbands’ lust for Amy, Charlie snaps and sets out to murder the swingers one by one. 

Swingers Massacre offers up an interesting way to do a revenge thriller.  Instead of avenging his wife’s honor, Charlie is taking out his sexual frustrations on his victims.  Because of that, we aren’t rooting for him, and our sympathies lie with the victims.  That little wrinkle also makes it play a bit like a proto-slasher movie. 

Despite the title and the premise, the film isn’t quite as sleazy as you may anticipate.  I’m not saying it’s a masterclass in restraint, but there is a modicum of craft here.  That said, I could understand if some walked away from this one feeling a tad disappointed.  I liked it okay though as it had just enough T & A and murder to keep me entertained. 

There was no reason why it needed to be over a hundred minutes long though.  The subplot with the two cops also eats up a lot of screen time in the third act.  These scenes could’ve easily been devoted to more swingers being massacred, but it doesn’t completely derail the movie. 

Even if you don’t groove on its wavelength, you have to admit, Swingers Massacre functions nicely as a time capsule.  We get heavy doses of ‘70s aesthetic here from the font in the opening credits to the swinging score (no pun intended) that’s full of jazz flute solos.  The cast of ‘70s favorites like Al Adamson regular Gary Kent, and ‘70s sex starlets Rene Bond, Marsha Jordan, and Uschi Digard also help immensely.   

Oh, and it took me a while to recognize Sweeney, but I finally placed him as the priest from Nightmare Sisters!  (MST3K fans will also remember him as the security guard in Hobgoblins.)  He does a fine job as the tortured husband as he essays a fine transformation from horny asshole to impotent basket case.

AKA:  Inside Amy.  AKA:  Super Swinging Playmates.

TURA! (2025) ****

Tura! is an absorbing and heartfelt documentary about the iconic cult movie star Tura Satana, most famous for her role as Varla in Russ Meyer’s immortal classic, Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!  Written and directed by friend of The Video Vacuum, Cody Jarrett who also directed Tura in the great Sugar Boxx, it offers a whirlwind look at her tumultuous life.  Tura endured an unspeakable rape as a preteen and faced racism during WWII, and yet, she was somehow able to channel that pain and hate into a career as a burlesque dancer where she quickly became immensely popular. At the insistence of silent movie star Harold Lloyd, she took up acting and before long, she appeared in Faster, Pussycat, which cemented her legendary status. 

Some of her exploits play almost like a movie themself.  Just take a look at her romances with big name celebrities (most famously Elvis Presley) or the fact that she was actually able to get revenge on the men who raped her as a little girl.  Many actresses can only play a badass, but Tura was the genuine article onscreen and off. 

The interviewees are a nice mix of friends, family, and admirers.  John Waters is naturally front and center since it’s widely acknowledged that his proclamation that Faster, Pussycat was his favorite movie of all time is what helped give the film a second life.  We also have Ted V. Mikels, who directed Tura in The Astro-Zombies, as well as fellow Meyer actress (and Sugar Boxx co-star) Kitten Natividad.  Margaret Cho acts as our narrator and sometimes gives voice to Tura via entries in her diary.

Jarrett’s film cuts deeper than most documentaries on cult film stars.  It doesn’t shy away from the accounts of Santana’s assault and the racism she suffered.  There are also some rather revealing revelations that occur in the final act.  

Overall, this is one of the best documentaries I’ve seen in quite some time.  If you always thought Tura was a badass, you owe it to yourself to check this out.  Trust me, you only know half the story.