DARK MISSION: FLOWERS OF EVIL (1988) **

I watched this movie just because it had Brigitte Lahaie in it, but I had no idea it starred the two Chrises.  Middling cinephiles will probably ask, “Which two Chrises?  Pine?  Evans? Hemsworth?”  The real ones know who I’m talking about… Lee and Mitchum!

Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent by his boss Richard Harrison to find Christopher Lee in South America.  Seems he was a former lieutenant for Castro and has now set himself up as a drug kingpin.  Trouble brews when Mitchum starts romancing Lee’s daughter (Cristina Higueras). 

I know it’s called “Dark” Mission, but why keep the beautiful Brigitte in the shadows for 2/3 of the movie?  She plays Mitchum’s contact who has a knack for remaining cloaked in darkness while delivering her messages.  At least she performs her big dramatic scene while wearing a string bikini.  She also looks the part while playing Rambo in her jungle action scenes, although it’s ultimately too little too late. 

That’s the big issue with the film.  Though the cast is great, the film itself is painfully low on action.  The side jaunt to a mental hospital where Higueras witnesses the impact of drugs on young people firsthand really slows things down to a crawl.  The final battle sequence is also incomprehensibly edited to boot, and the aspect ratio changes in nearly every single shot, which gets annoying.  (It leads me to suspect Franco probably poached the helicopter scenes from another movie.)

As for the two Chrises, Mitchum equips himself as well as could be expected and Lee lends the film a touch of dignity and class it probably didn’t deserve.  Most of the fun comes from seeing the usually reserved Harrison acting up a storm.  He goes hilariously over the top during the scenes where he chews out Mitchum. 

It’s mostly an unruly hodgepodge, but Dark Mission:  Flowers of Evil might make for lightweight, undemanding entertainment for fans of either Chris.  

AKA:  Dark Mission:  Evil Flowers.  AKA:  Dark Mission.  AKA:  Columbian Connection.

TEENAGE TURMOIL VOL. 1 (2000) ***

Something Weird presented this collection of industrial shorts from the ‘50s aimed at and centered around teenagers and prospective juvenile delinquents.  Some of these may be familiar to fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  While the shorts themselves vary in entertainment value, you can still get a kick out of the antiquated advice and outdated attitudes. 

“Make Way for Youth” (narrated by Melvyn Douglas) is about a boy who dies in a gang fight.  His father is the editor of the paper and writes an open letter stating that racism and prejudice was the true cause of his son’s death.  The town decides to give the teens their own “youth council” so they can address their issues pertaining to them. 

This one starts out okay, and the delinquent riot is well done.  However, from there it quickly becomes a teenage version of C-SPAN.  I did like the part where they called “an emergency wiener roast meeting”.

“The Cool Hot Rod” has a young hot rodder moving to a small town.  Almost immediately, he gets busted for speeding.  Instead of facing a courtroom of adults, he is sentenced to a traffic school run by other teenagers who enlighten him in the ways of safe driving. 

This one is fairly solid.  Like the last short, it’s set in an odd town where the teens seemingly have as much power and control as the adults.  There are also cameos by racing stars of the day, but I bet you’ve never heard of them. 

“Making the Most of Your Face” follows the exploits of three teenage girls who try to make themselves more presentable.  Their Home Economics teacher (who also acts as narrator) helps them initiate skincare regimens, find hairstyles that complement their face shape, and apply make-up. 

This one is short and sweet and the narration is full of howlers.  I especially liked the blunt way the narrator laid it on the line for poor Mary:  “Mary’s skin needs CARE!”

“What to Do on a Date” finds the shy Nick asking Kay out on a date to a scavenger sale.  Once there, he and his friend try to come up with more places to take his gal. 

Most of the fun from this short comes from what an awfully awkward dullard Nick is.  I also got a big laugh from when he suggested taking Kay to a weenie roast.  Something tells me he’s going to have to wait a long time before Kay will ever look at his weenie, let alone roast it. 

In “What About Juvenile Delinquency”, a boy quits a gang when he learns his fellow members beat up his father.  He is then invited to speak at an emergency meeting about juvenile delinquency. 

This is another one that’s pretty entertaining, mostly because of the contrived plot and maudlin acting.  Add to that the fact that many of the so-called teenagers look about forty, and you have yourself a recipe for cheesy goodness.  Too bad the ending is an open-ended cop-out. 

The next short, “The Show Off” is about Jim, a smart aleck and class clown.  His hijinks soon give the entire junior class a bad rap.  The class representatives are soon tasked with dealing with the situation.  

It’s funny how bent out of shape the adults get when Jim hoists a sign that says, “Yea Juniors”.  Imagine if he did something you know, shocking.  Like the previous short, it all ends with an unsatisfying “what would YOU do?” cop-out, which is disappointing. 

The final filmstrip is “The Innocent Party”.  Don and his pal pass up a chance to see a movie (Rio Bravo) to go out on the town with some girls with loose morals.  Don winds up catching syphilis, much to the horror of his best gal, Betty. 

This is the only color short in the bunch and features a few of the same actors from some of the other shorts.  The adult subject matter also helps make for a good change of pace.  All in all, it’s an entertaining (if downbeat) way to end the compilation. 

I BURN ALL OVER (1979) ***

Brigitte Lahaie and her boyfriend Didier Aubriot go to a disco where he picks up Susan Hemingway.  He takes her back to their hotel where they have a three-way.  Afterwards they knock poor Susan out and sell her into slavery.  When the couple learns Hemingway is the daughter of a millionaire, they set out to re-kidnap her and collect a ransom for themselves. 

Jess Franco’s I Burn All Over isn’t as cheap as some of his other productions.  It does however start off with a memorable cost-cutting move as the opening credits are spoken aloud by narrators with echoed voices.  That way, Franco didn’t have to pay someone to use a title generator.  (Ironically, the trailer is nothing but the title with a narrator speaking over it as no footage from the film is ever shown.)

Your movie doesn’t really need a budget though when you have Brigitte Lahaie.  She looks incredible throughout and delivers a solid performance as well.  Franco is smart enough to know if she has to have a monologue that’s important to the plot, you might as well have her deliver it while totally nude. 

In general, the scenes with Lahaie are the most entertaining, but the sequences with Hemingway in the orgy den have their moments.  The first time she is thrown into the bowels of the slave pit and the drug-addled captives converge on the new recruit to give her a test spin is certainly hot.  There’s also a random scene where a woman bangs her own reflection in the mirror. 

I Burn All Over has a decent twist ending, but I was a little disappointed how Lahaie’s character was so abruptly and unceremoniously removed from the narrative.  That shouldn’t stop the Franco faithful from checking it out though as it has all the obligatory camera zooms of a woman’s crotch you could ask for in an Uncle Jess movie.  Many of the numerous sex scenes flirt with XXX territory too, which doesn’t hurt either. 

It’s Aida (Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun) Vargas as the madam who gets the best line of the movie when describing Hemingway: “Her cunt is like a passion fruit!”

EDGE OF FURY (1978) ***

Bruce Li stars as a chauffeur to a wealthy businessman.  When his employer is executed for drug smuggling, Bruce remains loyal to the family, if only to look after his boss’s young son.  Bruce comes into possession of an amended version of his boss’s will and soon, everyone comes after Bruce trying to get their hands on it. 

Even though Edge of Fury takes place in modern times, its themes of honor and loyalty would feel right at home in a period Kung Fu movie.  I liked how Bruce still had his boss’s back after he went to jail, even if it lost him the respect of the community, who see him as being guilty by association.  You know, resonant thematic material is great and all, but it’s not really worth a whole lot unless Bruce is kicking ass.  I’m happy to report the movie contains plenty of scenes of Li doing just that. 

Most of the fights involve Bruce taking on several henchmen at the same time, including one nicely choreographed sequence atop of a stack of shipping containers.  He also has a memorable brawl when he beats up a gang of thugs for talking shit about his sick mother.  He gives a good performance too (he even cries at one point), which is something I wasn’t expecting.  Heck, even the little kid is amusing.  In most of these things, the child actors act like little brats, but the scene where he catches his stepmom kissing a villain and proceeds to kick their butts is a lot of fun. 

If Edge of Fury has a fault, it’s that the final showdown isn’t quite as exciting as the fight scenes that came before.  It also suffers from an abrupt ending, although you can say that about plenty of other Kung Fu flicks of the era.  Those quibbles aside, this remains one of Li’s best efforts and fans of the man should absolutely check it out. 

AKA:  Hong Kong Connection.

THE TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA (1980) **

Sister Virginia (Zora Kerova, who is probably best known as the actress who was hung up on hooks in Cannibal Ferox) is elected to the position of Mother Superior of her convent.  Meanwhile, a horny nobleman (Mario Cutini) conspires with a disreputable priest (Franco Garafalo) to get into her pants.  After the rich dude rapes Virginia, she eventually winds up falling in love with the guy (it’s one of those deals).  Trouble brews when she becomes pregnant and the nobleman and the priest try to cover the scandal up. 

The True Story of the Nun of Monza tells a story that has been told many times before, but this time it’s told by Bruno Mattei. Because of that, you probably already know what (not) to expect. 

The opening scene is sure to raise some eyebrows though as graphic shots of horses fucking are intercut with scenes of a nun being consecrated.  This is about as crazy as the movie gets, sadly.  (Don’t worry, there’s no Emanuelle in America-style of equestrian hijinks here.)  That said, the film does at least have enough skin to make it watchable.  One scene involves a nun being whipped for having a dream about blowing the Lord and savior.  I also dug the part where Virginia does penance by wearing a bra padded with thorns.  The occasional orgy scene doesn’t hurt either. 

These moments don’t amount to much in the long run, however.  Unfortunately, Mattei and screenwriter Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso can’t seem to bring it all together in a satisfying way.  The dramatic portions are especially pokey and the political maneuvering and double crossing between the nuns and priests is kind of dull.  It all ends with deceit, double crossing, and eventually murder, but you might find yourself tuning out by then.  To his credit, Mattei does deliver a gnarly scene where rats are found feasting on a nun’s corpse. 

WRESTLING WOMEN USA! (2001) ***

Before Lingerie Fighting Championships, before mud wrestling, and even before G.L.O.W., there were female grapplers on Saturday Night Wrestling.  This compilation from Something Weird features six matches from the early days of women’s wrestling.  While it isn’t “weird” exactly, it’s certainly something.

First up is a bout between Lili Bitter and June Byers and it features a nice mix of body slams, hammerlocks, and hair tosses.  Next, Cora Combs locks horns with Lorraine Johnson in a match complete with headlocks, hip tosses, and full Nelsons.  The match between Clara Mortenssen and Rita Martinez eschews the typical play by play commentary in favor of dialogue by two fans over the match.  (They sort of sound like Amos ‘n Andy.)  It doesn’t help that the match itself is mostly confined to the mat as it involves lots of leg locks and scissor holds.  The two bleacher bums continue their conversation throughout the next match between “The Blonde Ballerina” and June O’Day.  Their banter is annoying once again, but at least there is a decent amount of action in the match. 

The bout between Ella Walldeck and Jane Mull is a lot of fun as it is full of reversals, dirty tricks, and fast paced action.  Curiously, it’s a two out of three match but only one round is shown. The final match is a tag team bout.  Betty Hawkins and Carrie Majors square off against Ida May and Violet Vian.  It’s probably the liveliest match in the collection and features lots of unsportsmanlike conduct.  However, as with the previous match, only one of the scheduled three falls is shown. 

For fans of moldy relics of sports history, Wrestling Women USA! will scratch a very specific itch.  Even as a fan of this sort of thing, I kind of wish the presentation was a bit better.  The camerawork is static for the most part, but that’s just how it was back in those days.  (The camerawork during the Blonde Ballerina match isn’t bad though.)  The fact that these matches have been preserved as well as they have is what’s really important.  Despite its shortcomings, some of the bouts manage to be quite fun. 

AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes of the Fifties Vol. 1.  AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes Vol. 1. 

IMAGES IN A CONVENT (1979) *** ½

Isabella (Paola Senatore) is a spoiled Countess who is squirreled away inside a convent to keep her from getting it on with her pervert uncle.  She’s only there for a hot minute before she’s flashing her boobs at the Mother Superior.  Meanwhile, the horny Sisters that inhabit the convent begin fooling around with one another.  Are they naturally naughty nuns or are they being influenced by a sinister Satanic statue that stands in the courtyard of the convent?  Sexual tensions flare further when a wounded man arrives on the scene seeking shelter (and sex). 

Images in a Convent is a tawdry and highly entertaining entry in the Nunsploitation genre.  The all-time maestro of Italian sleaze, Joe D’Amato was at the helm of this bad boy, and his unmistakable fingerprints are all over the material.  The scenes of the nuns flagrantly breaking their vow of chastity by tossing off their habits and getting down and dirty with each other are a lot of fun.  The highlight (for me anyway) came when the Mother Superior whips a nun and then licks her wounds.  In addition to the scenes of the sapphic sisters gleefully doing the horizontal mambo, D’Amato also delivers some XXX action during the scene where a pair of thieves have their way with a nun in the woods. 

The stuff that holds the sex scenes together is less engaging.  The worst thing I can say about the movie is that the whole thing feels episodic.  Thankfully, those episodes that contain hot nun on nun action are well worth watching. 

The only name I recognized in the credits was Donald (Doctor Butcher M.D.) O’Brien, who plays a priest who shows up late in the game to perform an exorcism on the entire convent.  (There’s even a generic sounding knockoff of “Tubular Bells” that accompanies him in a few scenes.)  Although I didn’t really know the ladies in the cast by sight (many of whom also appeared in Emanuelle in America for D’Amato), they are all quite good, especially during the epic nun free for all that concludes the picture. 

In short, Uncle Joe certainly blessed fans of sleazy cinema when he made Images in a Convent.