PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC’S REVENGE (1989) ****

Malls were the epitome of ‘80s culture.  I know.  I was there.  I spent a better part of the decade in one.  Because of that, a mall was the perfect setting for an update of Phantom of the Opera.  Besides, YOU try getting a teenager from the ‘80s to listen to opera music. 

Eric (Derek Rydall) saves his girlfriend Melody (Kari Whitman) from a housefire before apparently dying in the blaze.  A year later, a mall is erected on the ashes of Eric’s house.  Before the stores are even open, people start winding up dead at the monument to consumerism.  As it turns out, he survived the fire and now the horribly burned Eric is hiding in the ductwork waiting to get revenge on the people who wronged him. 

The layout of the mall lends itself nicely to the material.  Instead of the sewers of Paris, Eric gets around through the ventilation shafts of the mall.  The scenes of Eric spying on his girlfriend from the vents and using the security system to stalk his victims are very effective.  The body count is surprisingly healthy and some of the kills easily outdo the best franchise slasher movies of the era.  Eric uses fans, forklifts, and escalators to mow down his victims.  The best kill by far is the snake-on-the-toilet gag that has to be seen to be believed.  Besides, you’ve got to love any mall that have stores that sell flamethrowers and display them conveniently enough for any madman to make use of them. 

Honestly, the film probably plays better now than it did on its original release.  That’s because we can now look back nostalgically on the setting and remember the glory days of the shopping mall.  I’m sure readers of a certain age have fond memories of shopping in malls back in the ‘80s.  I myself felt a wave of nostalgia seeing such stores as Sam Goody, B. Dalton, and Florsheim Shoes featured so prominently in the background. 

Director Richard (Dark Wolf) Friedman isn’t content on an anthropological study of ‘80s mall culture.  In addition to the aforementioned gore, he also delivers some fine action set pieces.  We get a Commando-inspired swinging stunt and the man-on-fire effects are some of the best the ‘80s have to offer.   

The supporting cast is a lot of fun.  Pauly Shore gets some laughs while playing a watered-down version of his usual persona as “Buzz”, Melody’s wisecracking friend.  Morgan Fairchild has a couple of good moments as the sexy mayor who may or may not be the one responsible for Eric’s disfigurement.  It was also great seeing the star of the ultimate mall horror movie, Dawn of the Dead, Ken Foree in a sizeable role as a security guard. 

It’s Rydall who steals the show as the mostly unseen Phantom.  I especially loved the scenes of him using stolen gym equipment to get pumped up on his down time from killing.  Just when you think Eric can’t get any cooler, he has a kickboxing duel with the evil security guard.  This is what sets him apart from the other screen Phantoms.  Say what you will about Lon Chaney, Claude Rains, and Robert Englund, but did they ever partake in a kickboxing duel to the death while under their Phantom mask?  Didn’t think so.   

That scene alone virtually guarantees that this is the best Phantom movie of all time.  

AKA:  Phantom of the Mall.  AKA:  Phantom Nightmare.

NETFLIX AND KILL: THE BAD BATCH (2017) ***

If you’re a “Bad Batch” candidate (basically any type of criminal and/or other type of free-thinking individual), you’re sent to a desert prison that looks like something out of an ‘80s post-apocalypse movie.  Arlen (Suki Waterhouse) is dropped off at the gates of the prison and wanders around for a bit before being captured by a group of cannibals who dismember her leg and arm for a cookout.  She is still somehow able to escape (on a skateboard) and with the help of a bag man (a very famous person whose appearance I wouldn’t dream of spoiling) makes it to a place called “Comfort” where she is fitted with a prosthetic leg.  After she is all healed up, the restless Arlen grabs her leg, finds a gun, and goes out for revenge on the people who ate her. 

Director Ana Lily Amirpour has a nice eye for detail.  The prison has a great lived-in quality to it.  Even if it feels like a mash-up of various other movies, it looks authentic.  She also delivers the goods on a handful of squirm-inducing sequences.  One thing is for sure, you’ll never listen to Ace of Base quite the same way again after watching this flick.   

I also liked the “rules” of the prison.  I dug the way Jason Momoa is forced to draw a sketch of a man in exchange for information.  Even the slightest character touches were endearing.  Like the way Waterhouse cuts out a picture of an arm and stands in front of the mirror to make herself feel complete.  It’s these little touches that keeps the movie a step ahead of other similar genre films. 

The Bad Batch is also important as it gives us yet another interesting exploitation movie role for Keanu Reeves to sink his teeth into.  He plays a cult leader called “The Dream” who looks like Nicolas Cage cosplaying as Jim Jones.  The Dream presides over his congregation by standing atop a giant neon boombox and spouting a lot of fortune cookie wisdom.  That is to say, he’s pretty awesome.   

The movie can’t quite keep up its weird allure consistently throughout the running time.  After a stellar start, things sort of stall once Waterhouse joins forces with Momoa.  It particularly fizzles out in the third act.  Still, there’s enough moments of sheer invention and plenty of bizarre imagery to make it wholly recommended. 

NETFLIX AND KILL: RAW (2016) ***

Justine (Garance Marillier) is a meek vegetarian who goes off to veterinary school to follow in the footsteps of her older sister Alexia (Ella Rumpf).  Once there, Alexia indoctrinates her in the school’s elaborate hazing rituals for Rush Week.  As part of her humiliation, Justine is forced to eat a raw rabbit kidney.  Soon after, she breaks out into a horrible rash.  Eventually, she begins eating raw meat and develops a taste for human flesh.  Things get increasingly awkward at school for Justine after she eats her sister’s finger. 

That scene is… well… let’s just say it’s finger-licking good. 

There’s more.  A lot more.  There’s a disgusting scene where our heroine pukes up a bunch of hair, a sequence in which she gets into a literal pissing contest with her sister, a Brazilian wax that turns icky, and a stomach-churning discussion about monkey rape. 

Look, going away to college can be a scary thing, alright?  Raw takes that idea to the extreme.  I know college hazing can be brutal, but some of the stuff the students are forced to do borders on the absurd.  Is this the kind of shit they really do at French veterinary schools, or is director Julia Ducournau going for some sort of surrealistic vibe here?  If she isn’t, then French veterinarians are some of the most fucked up people on the planet. 

I couldn’t really tell what Ducournau’s intentions were.  Was this supposed to be a parable about a young woman’s burgeoning sexuality?  A warped metaphor for being a vegetarian trapped in a meat-eating society?  A representation of sibling rivalry at its craziest?  I’m not even sure if she knew.  All I know is that I dug it.  The methodical pace may turn some off (that is, if the kidney-eating scene doesn’t), but stay with it because has some truly unique, memorable, and unsettling moments. 

AKA:  Grave.

PSYCHO FROM TEXAS (1975) ***

A mentally deranged criminal named Wheeler (John King III) comes to town looking to make some fast money so he kidnaps the local oil tycoon.  Naturally, his idiot partner lets the captive get away while Wheeler is in town trying to score some pot.  Wheeler doesn’t seem too fazed by their plan turning to shit though because it gives him an opportunity to prey upon a few unsuspecting women.

Psycho from Texas is the kind of sleazy homegrown exploitation movie I enjoy.  It really gets you in Wheeler’s mindset and you can see why he does the things he does.  Some parts almost feel like a blueprint for Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer, that is, if Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer was a low budget Good Ol’ Boy movie from the ‘70s.   

There's a great flashback scene where we see Wheeler as a kid catching his whore mother in bed with some guy.  What’s great about this scene is that the dude doesn't pay for sex.  Instead, he just brings her a pair of nylons as a gift.  Talk about a cheap date!  The part where the young Wheeler watches as his mother writhes in bed in ecstasy goes on and on.  The cutaways to the kid’s increasingly hilarious reactions shots are hysterical.  

Another standout sequence happens late in the movie when Wheeler brings some KFC into a bar and harasses the barmaid.  He strips her down and forces her to dance endlessly while he pours beer all over her.  The barmaid, it should be noted, is played by the legendary Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley in her film debut.  It's already obvious from her brief appearance that she's a star in the making. 

These two scenes are quite memorable.  King’s performance is a lot of fun to watch too.  I also got some laughs from the overly earnest theme song that acts as a Greek chorus to Wheeler’s actions. 

It’s too bad that large chunks of the movie are devoted to long scenes of one guy chasing another.  I swear, there’s one foot chase that feels like it takes up half the running time.  I don’t mind sitting through the long, repetitive scenes if there’s going to be some sort of a payoff.    Luckily, the two major chase sequences end in gory fashion.   

In short, Psycho from Texas is low budget ‘70s sleaze done right.  

AKA:  Evil + Hate = Killer.  AKA:  The Butcher.  AKA:  Wheeler.  AKA:  The Hurting.  AKA:  Mama’s Boy.

NETFLIX AND KILL: STITCHES (2012) *** ½

When we first see Stitches, the foul-mouthed clown, he’s banging a babe in his trailer.  Once he arrives at a kid’s birthday party, he proves that he’s capable of being a decent clown that can pull off a few OK magic tricks.  Unfortunately, the kids are hellions and heckle him mercilessly.  One of them ties Stitches’ shoelaces together which causes him to fall face first on a butcher knife, bringing the party to an abrupt halt.  Since we all know that “a clown that doesn’t finish a party can never rest in peace”, when the same group of now teenage kids come together to celebrate another birthday six years later, Stitches rises from the grave to get his revenge. 

From the outset, it looks like the film is going to be a variation on Bobcat Goldtwait’s Shakes the Clown.  It quickly becomes a hilarious horror comedy that features a healthy body count and gallons of splatter.  Dicks, ears, arms, heads, and eyeballs are all ripped off by the homicidal clown.  The film also contains one of the best exploding head gags outside of a Scanners movie, which is reason enough to see it. 

Even though the film can’t quite sustain the balls-to-the-walls level of mayhem throughout the entire running time, it still packs in enough juicy kills to keep any gorehound satisfied.    Some of the gore sequences are predictable (like when he makes a balloon animal from a guy’s intestines or uses a dead body as a ventriloquist dummy), but they are done with more style and humor than you’d expect.  I mean how can you not love a movie in which someone’s brains are plopped out with an ice cream scoop? 

For anyone who felt let down by It, Stitches will be a refreshing pie in the face. 

AKA:  Dark Clown.

THE FRUIT IS RIPE (1978) ** ½

A sexually carefree young woman named Patricia (Betty Verges) spends a week in Greece hooking up with random people and getting into various misadventures.  She picks up a married man at the airport, is nearly raped by two men while hitchhiking, and watches two lovers have sex in a tent.  Just when Patricia thinks she’s found true love with a guy on a boat, he winds up breaking her heart.  

The Fruit is Ripe is a freewheeling and good natured (for the most part) sex comedy.  Although it gets off to a playful and funny start, things get increasingly uneven as the plot meanders along.  Not that a plot is something that was absolutely necessary in a skin flick like this.  It’s just that the film’s episodic nature tends to get a bit repetitive after a while. 

Verges gives a solid performance all things considered.  Her willingness to disrobe at the drop of a hat combined with her fetching screen presence keeps you watching.  (I particularly liked the scene where she gleefully hopped in the bathtub with a guy she just met.)  Sure, there’s a copious amount of nudity to be found, but the sex scenes themselves are a mixed bag and the whole thing is a bit too slight to be truly memorable.  As far as German ‘70s sex comedies go, you can certainly do a lot worse. 

AKA:  Coming of Age.

NETFLIX AND KILL: CLOWN (2016) ****

Real estate agent Kent (Andy Powers) is in the middle of trying to sell a rundown mansion when he gets the call that his kid’s birthday clown has canceled at the last minute.  Kent just so happens to find a clown suit in a trunk in the basement and puts it on to make sure his son’s birthday goes off without a hitch.  Trouble brews the next morning when he’s unable to get the suit off.  Even the fake red nose refuses to come off.  Slowly, Kent begins to transform into an ancient evil clown that has an appetite for children. 

Produced by Eli Roth, Clown features one of the strangest transformations in horror film history.  The way poor Kent slowly turns into a homicidal clown is simultaneously funny, horrifying, and yes, tragic.  I was reminded more than once of David Cronenberg’s The Fly while watching it.  Both movies contain men who undergo icky transformations while concentrating on the very real and sad way that the transformation tears their relationships apart. 

Clown is scarier and a lot more effective than that Pennywise fella.  There are a number of creepy sequences, laugh-out-loud moments, and some surprising moments of gore too.  The bit with the dog clown was pure genius and the Chuck E. Cheese massacre is one for the books.  It also features one of the more inventive suicide attempts I’ve seen in a movie in some time. 

Director Jon Watts (who later hit the big time directing Spider-Man:  Homecoming) plays things very seriously, but is smart enough to allow the moments of humor to occur naturally throughout the film.  Yes, it’s funny to see Kent trying to hide the fact that he’s now a clown at work, but the way his situation grows increasingly desperate is suspenseful and at times, oddly touching.   

Peter Stormare is fun to watch as the old guy whose family was once cursed by the evil suit.  It’s Andy Powers though who makes the movie.  His memorable performance really sells his character’s unlikely plight.  Powers is a likeable guy who exudes a charm not unlike Chris Pratt.  He never once loses our sympathy, even when he begins to get more and more monstrous.  It’s that capacity for sympathy that puts Clown right up there with the best movie monsters.