TEXAS LIGHTNING (1981) **

The first ten minutes of Texas Lightning has more scenes of disgusting fat guys in their underwear going about their daily morning routine than the sane mind can catalogue.  Did we really need to see the greasy looking lard ass fella removing his dentures and then meticulously brushing them?  I know what you’re about to say.  “Mitch!  At least this guy has hygiene!”  That may be true, but then he goes ahead and promptly drops and breaks his upper plate, causing him to spend the rest of the movie lisping and flashing a creepy toothless grin.  Also, that scene where Peter Jason sits at the breakfast table in his BVDs eating cereal was a bit much.

This is offset somewhat by the stellar sequences in which Cameron Mitchell chews the scenery like only he can.  I especially liked the scenes where he flips out on his wife for turning their grown son (played by Cameron Mitchell, Jr.) into such a mama’s boy.  Seeing him spike his morning coffee with booze while screaming, “You sissified him!  You mollycoddled him!” sort of takes the sting out of seeing the grotesquely husky rednecks walking around in their skivvies.  (The country song on the soundtrack “Don’t Let Your Cowboys Grow Up to Be Babies” acts as a stirring Greek Chorus later on in the film.)

Anyway, Cameron and some friends take his sensitive son hunting to “make a man out of him”.  The scenes of Mitchell and the guys shooting at rabbits and swilling beer quickly get repetitive and boring.  Like everything else in the movie, it seems like director Gary Graver used every single bit of film he had and let the scenes run on as long as possible in order to get a ninety-minute running time.  

If you can trudge your way through, you’ll be treated to a pretty good wet T-shirt contest.  This scene is novel in that the contestants all dunk their breasts in a tub of ice water (kind of like they’re bobbing for apples, or should I say BOOBING for apples).  It gets to a point where the women just forgo the water all together and just flash the audience, which is great news for water conservationists everywhere.  It’s also awesome because porn star Lisa De Leeuw is the winner.

It’s here where Cameron and the boys take his son to knock back a couple of cold ones.  It takes him no time at all to become smitten with none other than… MARCIA BRADY!!!  What’s a nice girl like her doing in a place like this?  (Or to be more to a point, a movie like this.)  Since things bog down whenever Cameron Mitchell isn’t front and center chewing the scenery, the long honkytonk sequence where his son tries to woo Marcia while rednecks get into bar fights is a bit of a chore to sit through.

Mitchell, Jr. and Marcia eventually get it on in a nearby motel.  Since his dad and his redneck friends struck out at the bar, they return to the motel and gang rape Marcia.  While out hunting the next day, Mitchell, Jr. snaps, pulls a gun on his dad’s friends and turns the tables on them.  He then makes his way back to the honkytonk just long enough to see Marcia croon a terrible love song, apologize, and possibly start a life together.

If all this happened to poor Marcia, I wonder what ever became of Jan.

Man, Texas Lightning is one skuzzy, downbeat, and depressing movie.  Apparently, Graver went even further with the depressing bits and the financiers made him add more comedy into the mix.  I assure you, I could not find any humor contained whatsoever.  I did get a kick out of Cameron Mitchell’s hysterical histrionic hijinks.  That alone is worth Two Stars in my book. 

DRINKING BUDDIES (2013) ***

Drinking Buddies is a mostly improvised micro-budgeted comedy-drama set in the microbrewing industry.  Because of the setting, I feared director Joe Swanberg was going to populate the film with a bunch of bearded hipsters going on and on about hops.  Really though, it could’ve taken place anywhere as the characters are all three-dimensional, flawed, and likeable.

Olivia Wilde does publicity for a small independent brewery.  She and her boyfriend (Ron Livingston) go for a camping weekend with her co-worker (Jake Johnson) and his girlfriend (Anna Kendrick) and it becomes obvious that they are clearly more into each other’s mates than their own.  When Wilde and Johnson are left to their own devices for a week, he tests the waters to see if she’s interested in taking things to the next level.

Drinking Buddies is full of finely drawn performances and the natural dialogue rings true quite often.  It asks a lot of intriguing questions too.  Like, if someone is a better match for you than your mate, should you take a chance with them?  Should you risk screwing up a work relationship by getting romantic with them?  I think it’s easy to get crushes on a co-worker.  After all, you spend eight hours a day with them and get to know them rather well in a short span of time.  Drinking Buddies sort of acts as a cautionary tale of acting on those impulses.

Swanberg is mostly on my radar because of his great performance as the asshole in You’re Next.  That film's director, Ti West returns the favor here playing an unlikeable douchebag.  I’ve only seen a few of the movies Swanberg’s directed, but this is by far my favorite.  It’s small in scope, and a little on the slight side.  However, because it’s full of fine actors and actresses playing characters we ultimately like and care about, it totally wins you over, and even manages to sneak up on you emotionally as it nears its conclusion.

DEATH WATCH (1982) ½ *

Romy Schneider stars as a woman slowly dying from a mysterious illness.  Harvey Keitel is a cameraman who gets a camera implanted in his eye and accepts the job of watching her die.  The footage is then broadcast to the masses and is a rating bonanza.

Which begs the question:  Would watching people slowly wasting away be considered must-see TV?  I mean what do the networks do for sweeps week?  Show footage of people sitting in the waiting room at the dentist?

With Death Watch, director Bertrand Tavernier anticipated the advent of reality TV.  That’s about the only thing he got right.  This is one tedious, slow moving, and heavy-handed movie.  He takes a semi-fantastic premise and does fuck-all with it.  While the set-up is admittedly intriguing, Tavernier’s lethargic pacing, coupled with a narrative curiously lacking in urgency is a recipe for one long, boring slog of a film.  

There’s a plot turn late in the game that involves Keitel going blind, which makes him unable to broadcast Schneider’s death.  The movie’s so bad that you almost wish YOU went blind shortly after the opening credits.  The other twist that occurs early in the third act is also predictable.  If it ended right then and there, it might’ve skated by with a One Star rating.  However, it keeps plugging along needlessly for another half-hour or so, adding to an already restless experience. 

Keitel is sorely miscast as the cameraman.  There’s one scene where he Keitels out while looking for a flashlight, but for the most part he barely registers.  There’s also zero chemistry between he and Schneider, which doesn’t help.  Her character grates on your nerves almost instantly and she does little to gain your sympathy. 

It’s hard to tell how all this played before reality TV was a thing.  One thing is for sure:  I’d rather watch that Kardashian crap or Survivor than ever see this again. The only bright spot is Harry Dean Stanton as an unscrupulous TV exec, but even his talents are frustratingly wasted in this dull, exasperating mess. 

AKA:  Death in Full View.

ESCAPE PLAN 2: HADES (2018) **

Escape Plan was a severely underrated latter-day Sylvester Stallone vehicle that not only gave us a proper Schwarzenegger and Stallone team-up but featured some of the duo’s best acting in years.  Because of that, I was excited when this sequel was announced.  Even though it went DTV without the benefit of Arnold, it does boast the participation of Dave Bautista.  Unfortunately, this Escape Plan is an undercooked and limp follow-up.  

Sly once again stars as “security expert” Ray Breslin.  When his team tries to extract a hostage, the plan goes south, and she winds up dead.  (“You trusted a computer more than your team and someone died!”)  Ray’s team member, Shu (Huang Xiaoming) becomes disillusioned after the incident and walks away from the business.  One year later, he gets arrested and is sent to a top-secret state of the art prison in which prisoners get into kickboxing matches in exchange for virtual reality seclusion.  It’s then up to Ray and the rest of his team to bust him out.

Even though Sly is given a reduced amount of screen time, he still equips himself nicely.  He doesn’t phone it in and his performance is easily the best thing about the movie.  For a good chunk of the running time, he appears as the voice inside Xiaoming’s head as he recalls Sly’s teachings in order to escape.  It’s a good way to make his presence felt, even if his screen time is scattershot.  

Bautista gets even less screen time, sadly.  He only shows up about every twenty minutes or so, which will definitely leave many fans wanting more.  He does get a good moment where he intimidates someone not with his muscles, but by quickly solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Unfortunately, these little moments of invention are fleeting.

Stallone and Bautista were also together in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 but didn’t have any screen time together.  Escape Plan 2 fixes that glaring error somewhat, even if the finished product is a misfire.  They do have a decent amount of chemistry together, enough to make you wish their next pairing will be in something a bit more reputable.  

50 Cent returns from the first film as Sly’s right-hand man, even if he isn’t particularly utilized all that well.  Jaimie King (who was also in director Steven C. Miller’s Silent Night) is similarly given little to do as another of Sly’s team members.  Titus Welliver is also wasted in the thinly written role of the warden.

As a fan of some of director Steven C. Miller’s DTV output, I had high hopes for this one.  There are a few weird moments here, like the robot nurses and the trio of bald, albino computer hackers, but not nearly enough to squeeze this one into the win column.  The action is also mediocre, and Stallone’s few fights and/or shootouts are underwhelming and forgettable.  It also doesn’t help that the CGI squibs, explosions, and muzzle flashes are incredibly cheap looking.

Also, it takes a good hour before Sly even gets sent to prison.  After that, he pretty much immediately figures out how to escape, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for suspense.  The gratuitous set-up for a sequel (which was filmed back to back with this) doesn’t hold a lot of promise either.

THE BOUNTY HUNTER (1989) ** ½

The Exterminator himself, Robert Ginty co-wrote, directed, and stars as the title character.  He moseys into a small town looking for a bounty and winds up butting heads with the sheriff (Bo Hopkins).  Naturally, the sheriff runs the town with an iron fist and is trying to push the Native American population out in order to get a big oil company to set up camp there.  Little does he know Ginty has an ulterior motive for being there:  Getting revenge for his fallen Nam vet Native American buddy.  I don’t think I’m spoiling anything when I tell you Hopkins was the man responsible for his death.  

Is The Bounty Hunter a good movie?  Not exactly.  It did however, give Robert Ginty a chance to direct and write and star in his own vehicle.  I mean no one was beating down his door for an Exterminator 3, so he might as well hone his chops behind the scenes.  (Although this was released in some countries as Exterminator 3, but never mind.)

There are no surprises here whatsoever, but it is fun seeing Ginty matching wits with Hopkins.  Since they are two of my all-time favorite B movie vets, I got a moderate amount of amusement from it.  Ginty commands the screen with his marble-mouthed charisma and sleepy-eyed screen presence.  I know this is Hopkins’ umpteenth turn as a seemingly simpleminded but sinister sheriff.  However, he finds new ways to keep his familiar-seeming character feel fresh.  (He has a good monologue about his family losing their home in the Depression, as well as a memorable bit where he sings “Camp Town Races” while beating up a suspect.)

The Bounty Hunter is decent enough for the most part.  Sure, it runs out of steam towards the end, but it’s watchable more often than not.  Since I’m a fan of both leads, I probably gave it an extra Half Star than necessary.  Your mileage may vary.

AKA:  Exterminator 3.

BLOWBACK (2000) **

Mario Van Peebles is a cop who puts away a serial killer (James Remar) who likes to crucify women upside with a nail gun.  Remar is executed but is revived in a mad scientist lab ran by the CIA, who turn him into a brainwashed assassin.  The strong-willed killer rejects their mind-control conditioning and goes after the jury who convicted him.  He murders them one by one, leaving their bodies posed in the ways inspired by martyred saints with Bible verses shoved in their mouths.  It’s then up to Van Peebles to take him down.

When Blowback was released, the DTV market was still riding high on the wave of serial killer thrillers inspired by Seven.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  The opening scenes are appropriately bonkers, which had me hoping that this was going to be some sort of minor cult classic.  Unfortunately, it becomes frustratingly more conventional (not to mention boring) as it goes along.  Director Mark L. (Showdown in Little Tokyo) Lester’s handling of the WTF first act is inspired.  However, the rest of the film is strictly by the numbers.     

The participation of Remar and Van Peebles helps keep your interest, even while the film begins circling the drain.  Remar in particular looks like he’s having a blast playing the sleazy serial killer.  He chews the scenery admirably while going into his crazy character’s religious diatribes.  Van Peebles carries the movie as far as it will go with his considerable charisma.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he says, “He’s one taco short of a combo platter!” and even gets to make a funny New Jack City in-joke.

AKA:  Crossing.

PRIVATE PROPERTY (1960) ***

Corey Allen and Warren Oates star as two drifters who in the opening scene accost a gas station attendant for some orange soda.  Oates is getting itchy for the company of a woman, and Allen assures him he can get him one.  They follow Kate Manx home and sneak into the abandoned house next door where they spy on her while she swims in the pool.  When her husband leaves town, Corey goes over to warm her up a little.  Naturally, they wind up falling for one another, which makes Oates jealous and ultimately leads to murder.

Written and directed by Leslie (Incubus) Stevens, Private Property is a low-key, low-budget thriller that benefits from a trio of fine performances and an increasing sense of dread.  We know right off the bat what Allen and Oates are capable of, and the way Allen toys with Manx is quite captivating.  The fact that she is bored and seeking a little bit of danger creates a perfect storm that sets up the tragic ending.  (I especially liked the scene where Allen leaves his belt behind and Manx begins wearing it around her neck like a collar.)

Allen and Oates are both excellent and some of the best scenes in the movie play like a deranged version of Of Mice and Men.  They inhabit their despicable characters with such ease that it might remind you of Michael Rooker in Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer.  Manx is equally fine as the lonely housewife torn between her isolated existence and the allure of danger.

If the film has a flaw, it’s that it’s more interesting during its slow-burn early sections than in the finale.  Stevens offers up plenty of atmosphere throughout the picture, but the confrontation between Oates and Allen, though inevitable, curiously falls a little flat.  That’s not enough to derail Private Property, which remains a solidly engaging character-driven noir, even if it does sort of fizzle out near the end.