POPSTAR PRIVATE EYE (2007) * ½

Sexina (Lauren D’Avella) is the hottest popstar on the planet.  Little do her legions of fans know, she also moonlights as a leather-clad private eye.  When a scientist (Cash Tilton) is kidnapped, Sexina trades her Britney Spears-inspired attire for a biker chick get-up and investigates.  The trail soon leads to a mysterious music mogul (Adam West) with plans for world domination.  

Popstar Private Eye tries to spoof various genres all at once, but it just has too many irons in the fire to make for a truly funny send-up.  Things start off promising enough with a James Bond-inspired credits sequence, complete with a theme song performed by none other than Davy Jones of The Monkees.  Unfortunately, it all goes downhill from there.  Writer/director Erik Sharkey takes obvious jabs at the shallowness of the record industry, and yet the jokes are all so toothless that none of the gags land.  

The premise might’ve worked with some tried-and-true exploitation elements (namely sex and violence), but the flick is way too chaste to be much fun.  With the editing of the occasional obscenity here and a crude sexual reference there, it probably would look right at home on The Disney Channel.  There’s also an extraneous subplot involving Sexina’s number-one fan (Kellie Fernald) trying to win a contest so she can perform a concert for her school that is painfully clunky, and just feels like filler.  

D'Avella does what she can with the weak material.  She looks great in a variety of sexy outfits, and she holds your attention for the most part, even when the jokes are floundering.  West seems like he’s having fun, although his performance is more of a voiceover as the villain is one of those Dr. Claw-type deals.  He only pops up in the flesh in the final minutes of the film, and while his appearance is amusing (he has a soul patch), it’s ultimately too little, too late.  Despite the efforts of D’Avella and West, Popstar Private Eye never really pops.

AKA:  Sexina.  AKA:  Sexina:  Popstar P.I.

AMITYVILLE EXORCISM (2017) **

A contractor snaps and kills his entire family with a hammer.  He claims he was possessed by a demon after doing work in “that house”.  Before his execution, he confesses to a priest that he salvaged some lumber from “that house” and used it for his work.  He now fears the lumber is haunted and the family who lives in the house he just renovated is in danger.  

As someone who has sat through his share of fake Amityville movies, I must say that Amityville Exorcism is no dumber than many of the legitimate sequels in the official Amityville Horror franchise.  I mean we’ve already had haunted clocks, lamps, and dollhouses in that series.  Cursed scraps of lumber aren’t that much of a stretch.  

Amityville Exorcism was directed by the prolific no-budget wonder Mark Polonia.  If you’re familiar with Polonia’s filmography, you might already know what (not) to expect.  Heck, this isn’t even his first rodeo when it comes to fake Amityville movies, having already made Amityville Death House and Amityville Island (which has got to be the worst fake Amityville flick I’ve seen).  He also has Amityville in Space in production, which, of course, I will see, just because it’s called Amityville in Space.

To his credit, Polonia crams a lot of stuff into the seventy-seven-minute running time.  In addition to the alcoholic father subplot (shades of Amityville 2:  The Possession), there’s also a red specter that looks like the Masque of Red Death, killer dolls, a monster in the swimming pool, irritating POV shots of the ghost, possessions, photoshoots, a swarm of terrible looking CGI flies, a zombie attack, and of course, an exorcism.  All this isn’t very good, but at least it’s not dull, which is usually the kiss of death for these kinds of things.  I just wish the gore was better.  (There’s a scene where a robber gets disemboweled, and his guts look like a balloon animal.)  Either that, or there were some unintentional laughs to be had.  Other than that, Amityville Exorcism is an OK no-budget horror flick.  

FATAL CONFLICT (2000) *

The stars of Halloween 2, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, and Hellraiser 7 were brought together for this muddled, joyless, and dull mix of Sci-Fi, action, and Women in Prison cliches.    

Leo Rossi and Jennifer Rubin are a pair of incestuous brother and sister space age criminals who take control of a prison ship and intend to crash it into Los Angeles.  Kari Wuhrer is a disgraced pilot who is given a Snake Plissken-type deal to infiltrate the prison and take them out.  Along the way, she gets help from the imprisoned captain (Miles O’Keeffe) to complete her mission.

You would think that any movie that begins with scenes of girls mining space ore while wearing skimpy t-shirts and panties would be promising.  However, the editing is piss-poor, and the way they try to explain what’s going on during the opening credits is goofy and confusing.  Also, it looks like they stole footage from another movie and awkwardly spliced it into the proceedings to help pad out the plot.  Add to that, there’s weird narration, random cutaways to crappy special effects, and repeated shots, which creates even more confusion.   

The middle section of the film is cheap, but at least it’s semi-competently put together.  The ending isn’t quite as crassly thrown together, but it’s still crappy.  The special effects look like they came from a different flick, the final scenes between Wuhrer and O’Keeffe are played out via voiceover exchanges set against a starfield.  It's enough to make you theorize that the production company ran out of money somewhere along the way and just had to cobble what they had together in order to release it.  Either that, or they ran out of time and never got around the filming the ending (or the bulk of the beginning), so they slapped some half-assed ADR on the end and called it a day.  Either way, it’s the pits.

Director Lloyd A. (Chained Heat 2) Simandl is no stranger to the Women in Prison subgenre.  Unfortunately, this time around he forgot to sleaze it up.  I mean if you’re going to make a Women in Prison movie (even one set in space), you’ve got to toss the requisite amount of T & A in there.  As it is, it’s all rather tame, not to mention boring.  (The scenes of the scantily clad prisoners breaking rocks get monotonous.)  Some amusement can be had from the cheapjack production values and inconsistent effects (this is one of those movies that takes place in the future, but people still listen to CD players), but for the most part, it’s a slog.

Once Wuhrer stows away on board the ship, things pivot into a galactic Die Hard clone.  This portion of the film is a slight improvement over the Women in Prison-inspired scenes, but not much.  Although Wuhrer looks good shooting big guns like a lady Rambo, her character is paper thin, and her “tough” dialogue is pithy.  Rossi and Rubin get shortchanged as the villains too.  Making them have the hots for one another was a good idea, but the movie is too chickenshit to properly exploit it.  O’Keeffe gives the best performance of the film, but his efforts are ultimately all for naught.  

In short, Fatal Conflict deserves to be lost in space.  

AKA:  The Prey.  

SANTO: THE LEGEND OF THE MAN IN THE SILVER MASK (1993) **

A decade after the Son of Santo starred alongside his old man in Chanoc and the Son of Santo vs. the Killer Vampires, he (briefly) played his father in this oddball movie.  Despite the title, it isn’t a biopic.  It’s more of a mix of Son of Santo solo picture and a children’s film, with a heavy concentration of schmaltz on the side.  There are also touches of the old school El Santo movies here and there, but they are unfortunately few and far between.  

Benito (Erik Sanchez) is a little boy who idolizes El Santo.  He goes to see all his movies and even wears his signature silver mask to school.  When El Santo dies of a heart attack, the Son of Santo wants to distance himself from his father’s legacy and make a name for himself on his own accord.  His old pal Carlitos (Carlos Suarez, El Santo’s sidekick in the later years) tries to make him understand the importance of carrying on the family tradition, but he wants no part of it.  Meanwhile, Benito’s single father struggles to make ends meet and becomes indebted to a local gangster.  Eventually, little Benito helps the Son of Santo embrace his father’s legacy, and the luchador in turn helps saves Benito’s dad from the bad guys.

Santo:  The Legend of the Man in the Silver Mask is kind of sweet (in spots at least), but it isn’t a patch on the old El Santo movies.  I’m not sure if it was meant as a reboot or if it was just Son of Santo paying tribute to his old man.  Either way, it almost works, but not quite.  

The film tries to straddle the line between the serious treatment of Benito’s story with the silliness of the old El Santo flicks.  It’s not a bad idea, but the kiddie stuff is pretty rough going.  I could’ve especially done without the scene where the tyke mopes about while an excruciating sappy love song plays on the soundtrack.

I did like the scenes involving Son of Santo slowly embracing his father’s shadow.  There’s a great moment when Carlito takes him into El Santo’s secret lair filled with sportscars and training equipment.  He then opens up a box containing the original El Santo mask that glows and is surrounded by dry ice fog.  

The climax is great too.  It’s here where the Son of Santo (FINALLY) puts on his father’s mask and becomes a superhero.  This new costume kind of makes his look like Space Ghost a little, and he also uses bracelets that deflect bullets like Wonder Woman and double as boomerangs.  The best part though is that Santo’s car is now equipped with lasers that can blow shit up!  This sequence is legitimately cool.  I just wish it didn’t take forever to get to it.  We also get three wrestling matches too, which aren’t bad, although director Gilberto de Anda has a tendency to over-rely on slow-motion.  

I really had no problem with the idea of the Son of Santo picking up the mantle from his father and starring in a bunch of movies.  Although a bit long-winded, this could’ve served as a nice jumping off point for more Santo adventures.  Sadly, the Son of Santo never had anywhere near the movie career his father had.  In fact, it took the Son of Santo eight years before he starred in his next film, Santo:  Infraterrestre.  

KEKKO KAMEN: SURPRISE (2004) ** ½

Kekko Kamen:  Surprise is the fourth and final entry in the early ‘00s reboot of Go Nagai’s naked crimefighter series.  This one revolves around a sexy secret agent who goes undercover at a music school to stop the nefarious teachers from wreaking havoc on the students.  Naturally, she isn’t up to the task, and Kekko Kamen must step in to save the day.  

As you might expect, the stuff that doesn’t involve Kekko Kamen crimefighting in the nude is a bit of a mixed bag.  I’m not sure why the filmmakers relied on the secondary heroine, as Kekko is more than capable of carrying the movie on her own.  At least the sexy secret agent gets one memorable scene where she teaches the students how to make music from farts.  

Even when Kekko Kamen is front and center, it’s still a bit uneven.  The various nude fight scenes aren’t much to write home about and are often poorly choreographed and/or way too brief to make much of an impact.  However, I did like the scene where she lured out the pervert professors by doing a sexy dance number from behind a curtain.  Her impromptu rock n’ roll version of the Kekko Kamen theme song during the finale is also quite memorable.  

There are also occasional highlights during the long, Kekko-less stretches, and the professors themselves are kind of amusing in small doses.  The bald headmaster is kind of standard issue as he has a metal claw and plays his students like instruments.  His assistant is pretty funny though.  He dresses up like Mozart and has students beaten whenever they chew gum in class.  The funniest part comes when he farts Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony in the middle of the cafeteria.  You don’t see (or hear) that every day.  

The rest of the humor is kind of weak though.  The constant use of the themes from Jaws and Mission:  Impossible wear out their welcome rather fast.  I know the movie takes place in a music school, but the joke ultimately falls flat (no pun intended).

AKA:  Mask of Kekko:  Surprise.  

VIXENS OF BANDALERO (1993) *

The sexy O’Shea sisters are reunited after their ailing father has a heart attack.  When he passes away, he leaves his failing ranch to the trio.  The sisters are shocked to learn the bank is about to foreclose on their home, so they embark on a treasure hunt to get the funds necessary to save their family homestead.  

It seems like that kind of a set-up would make for a fairly straightforward movie.  However, nothing about Vixens of Bandalero is straightforward.  The incoherent storytelling and slapdash editing make me think this might’ve been an abandoned or unfinished flick that was cobbled together and then (barely) released.  

It begins with one of the sisters at a typewriter telling the story before bouncing around to various random shit (including a babe relaxing in a hot tub) before the plot even begins.  Once she begins relating the tale, there are other sequences that don’t make a lick of sense (including a deathbed flashback sequence) that further clutter up the narrative.  Whenever things get dull (which is often), director Manny Esquivel tosses in a lot of gratuitous shots of the ladies scuba diving, which further bogs things down.  Then, just when you think it’s over, it continues on senselessly for another ten excruciating minutes.

The thing that prevents Vixens of Bandalero from being totally worthless is the fact that whenever the trio of sisters are together, the male characters will often fantasize about them dancing sexy, stripping down, or getting it on right in the middle of a scene.  Sometimes it happens during an important business meeting.  Other times, it happens during a Sergio Leone-style Wild West shootout.  

I wanted to do a tribute to Gilbert Gottfried, the host of one of my favorite shows of all time, USA Up All Night, so I watched an episode featuring Vixens of Bandalero.  Because of that, the version of the movie I saw was conspicuously absent of nudity.  I don’t know if the nude scenes would’ve changed the rating much (although there are plenty of scenes of the sexy sisters in bikinis and lingerie), but this is one of the most confounding, sloppy, and just play bad late-night flicks I’ve seen in a long time.  Gilbert’s host segments are pretty basic (he just reads viewer mail), but they at least made me nostalgic for the good old days when Up All Night ruled the late-night airwaves.  RIP Gilbert.  

AKA:  Vixens of Bandelero.  

DAMAGED GOODS (1964) **

Jim (Mory Schoolhouse) is going steady with his best gal Judy (Charlotte Stewart).  They even have plans to marry, that is if the new girl in town Kathy (Dolores Faith from such Mystery Science Theater fare as The Phantom Planet and The Human Duplicators) can stop making passes at Jim.  Naturally, Judy is a “nice” girl, which can be frustrating for a guy like Jim.  When Jim and his pals go to the sleazy part of town, he unknowingly picks up a case of syphilis from a prostitute.  Once Judy learns about his trip, she promptly dumps him, and Jim naturally hooks up with Kathy.  Jim eventually finds a sore on his pecker and goes to the doctor, who shows him a filmstrip about V.D.

Damaged Goods exists somewhere in the middle ground between the roadshow sex scare films of the ‘30s and the After School Specials of the ‘80s.  Unfortunately, for a movie about the perils of V.D., it’s much too chaste and straightlaced to be any fun.  (The scene at the strip club has promise, but it cuts away from the dancer just as she’s about to take off her top.)  At least the old scare propaganda was good for an unintentional laugh or two.  This is about as square and corny as you can get.  

The V.D. filmstrip even comes up a bit short.  Other than the unfortunate sight of a syphilis-ridden infant, there isn’t much here that would scare anyone straight.  The most memorable part is the awesome instrumental surf rock theme song by none other than The Ventures!?!  I don’t know how they got involved with this mess, but at least their involvement takes some of the sting out of the otherwise boring dialogue scenes.  (Maybe they were just doing their part to warn their audience about the dangers of syphilis.)  

Jim’s doctor gets the best line of the movie when he proclaims, “We’re not here to pass moral judgment… we’re here to stamp out V.D.!”

AKA:  V.D.  AKA:  The Secret.