ROBOWAR (1988) ***

Did you ever wonder what a low budget mash-up of Predator and Robocop starring Reb (Space Mutiny) Brown, written by Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso, and directed by Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei would look like?  Wonder no more!

Reb is the leader of a team of soldiers sent to a jungle island on a top-secret mission.  There, they find an unstoppable cyborg on the loose in the forest.  The robo-soldier soon picks off the members of the team one by one before finally going mano y mano with Brown. 

Scenes closely copy Predator, like when the grunts fire endlessly at an enemy they can’t see, the sequence where the soldiers raid a compound (right down to the part where Brown tosses a knife into a guy), and there are also lots of POV shots of the killer (except instead of infrared, it’s seen on a heavily pixelated computer screen).  There are so many other moments here that closely resemble Predator that it’s a wonder John McTiernan’s lawyers didn’t get involved. 

Oh, and the lone African American of the squadron looks and sounds like he might’ve been the inspiration for Robert Downey Jr.’s character in Tropic Thunder. 

Reb screams and hollers and tells everyone to “Move!  Move!  Move!”, like only he can.  His over-the-top theatrics help carry the movie whenever it threatens to bog down.  It’s admittedly a pretty dumb hodgepodge, but for every misstep, there’s something that works... And by “works”, I mean it’s either unintentionally funny, downright cheesy, or (occasionally) kind of cool. 

The stammering robot voice, which sounds like Robo-Porky Pig is annoying though.  You keep expecting him to say, “That’s All, Folks!”, after he blows somebody up.  The film is also padded with long scenes of the troops wandering aimlessly around in the jungle.  On the plus side, lots of bamboo huts explode, and the close-ups of the skinned corpses are effective.  As far as Mattei/Brown collabs go, I think Strike Commando is still my favorite, but this one certainly has its share of nutty moments. 

AKA:  Robo Man.  AKA:  Cyber Robo.

THE BURNT ORANGE HERESY (2020) ***

Charles (Miami Blues) Willeford is my favorite author.  Mick Jagger is my favorite rock star.  Because of that, I’m already inclined to love this movie.  Add in a script by A Simple Plan’s Scott B. Smith, and you have a recipe for a must-see. 

Shady art critic James Figueras (Claes Bang) gets roped into a scheme by a rich art collector named Cassidy (Jagger) to steal the last work of a reclusive painter (Donald Sutherland).  Cassidy sets up an interview between the two, which should give Figueras ample opportunity to nab the painting.  Predictably, things don’t go according to plan, which leads to more deception and even murder. 

All this sounds simple enough, but the way director Giuseppe Capotondi slowly parcels out the details is a lot of fun.  Admittedly, the set-up is better than the follow-through (the symbolism with the flies gets hammered home a bit too much).  That said, there’s still plenty to enjoy along the way. 

Most enjoyable of all are the performances.  Bangs does a good job as he looks like you’d imagine a typical Willeford character.  He’s haggard and beaten up by life and a series of poor choices but he nevertheless keeps moving forward.  He gets a great monologue early on where he ropes a bunch of old biddies into thinking a crappy painting has historical significance.  As his scrappy love interest, Elizabeth (The Crown) Debicki looks great in her nude scenes and has a winsome early Cameron Diaz pluck about her.  Jagger (in his first role in twenty years) was never as good as an actor as he was a rock star, but this might be his best performance.  For someone who hasn’t been on a movie set in decades, he seems to be relishing playing a shady rich dude who holds all the cards and lords over people with a Cheshire Cat grin.  Sutherland has a sardonic twinkle in his eye, and he too looks like he’s having a ball playing a character who skews against his reputation. 

This is the first adaptation of a Willeford work in two decades.  (The last being The Woman Chaser in 1999.)  The novel was kind of an atypical Willeford book.  Even though it was largely about a conman, it was set in the art world far removed from his crime novels.  His ultimate point being that critics and art dealers are really no different than the hoods in his other books.  The film, like the novel, falls short of the Willeford greats like Cockfighter and Miami Blues, but I’m glad it exists.  Speaking strictly as a fan of the man, I hope they don’t wait another twenty years to make another Willeford adaptation. 

BLOCKERS (2018) **

Three high school girls who have been best friends since kindergarten decide to make a pact to lose their virginity on prom night.  Their idiotic parents become wise to their plan and set out to stop them from losing their V-card.  R-rated teen comedy shenanigans ensue. 

Blockers is only the slightest reworking of dozens of other similarly themed teen comedies of the ‘80s.  The difference here of course is that the teens who are trying to get laid are girls.  There are other concessions to modern times (one of the girls is a closeted lesbian), but it’s mostly the same old shit. 

I guess it wouldn’t matter if all this was funny, but there are only a few chuckles to be had.  The biggest problem is with the parents, all of whom are one-note and strangely underwritten.  Leslie Mann is overprotective.  Ike Barinholtz is an asshole.  John Cena has muscles, but he’s actually a really wholesome and sensitive guy.  None of them have much chemistry together either, which is mostly what sinks the whole deal.  Kathryn Newton is decent as the ringleader of the high school friends, but like most movies she’s in, the filmmakers don’t know how to make use of her talents, so she winds up being kind of wasted.  The other two girls don’t make much of an impression though, which is a shame, especially when you’re supposed to be rooting for them to pop their cherries and all. 

After all the R-rated comedy antics (including Cena getting a beer bong shoved up his ass) have died down, director Kay Cannon tries to pull at the audience’s heartstrings at the end, and it honestly doesn’t work.  Had we been involved in the girls’ quest to lose their virginity or had a stake in their parents trying to stop them, we might have cared.  Sadly, the hour and a half that came before is just way too uneven for us to feel anything either way. 

AKA:  #SexPact.  AKA:  Cock Blockers.

SHALLOW GRAVE (1987) ***

Shallow Grave kicks off with a fairly spot-on recreation of the famous shower scene from Psycho.  Unlike Alfred Hitchcock, director Richard Styles does not shy away from gratuitous boob shots, which makes him an even better director than Hitch in my book. 

Then… SURPRISE!  We learn it was all a prank.  (Exactly how I’m not sure, since the big-boobed girl clearly got stabbed in the opening, but oh well.)  After the Catholic School girls involved get a good tongue-lashing from the head nun, they head on down to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break!  Unfortunately, they get a flat tire along the way.  Stranded on the side of the road, one of the girls goes for help.  Meanwhile, another gal goes into the woods to pee where she accidentally witnesses a deranged sheriff kill his lover.  Naturally, he takes on after her, and from then on, it’s one relentless game of cat and mouse… err… mice. 

OK, so maybe Styles isn’t necessarily BETTER than Hitchcock, but you have to give him credit.  Like the Master himself, Styles does a good job blending chuckles and thrills.  Things quickly turn on a dime as the movie abruptly switches gears from a Spring Break comedy to a white-knuckle thriller.  Styles delivers some legitimately suspenseful sequences along the way.  Among them is a finely crafted scene where the girls arrive at an abandoned gas station to call for help only to slowly realize there’s a guard dog on the premises. 

The plot maybe twiddles its thumbs a bit too much in between the highlights, and the scenes of two guys looking for the girls kind of curtails the film’s momentum, especially in the second half.  However, this is a frequently surprising and entertaining thriller that is nastier and meaner than you might expect.  In short, Shallow Grave cuts deeper than most of the low budget flicks that flooded video store shelves back in the ‘80s. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS (2014) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As it appeared in my book, The Bloody Book of Horror)

As much as I love the Leprechaun movies and Warwick Davis’ performances in them, I went into this reboot/sequel with an open mind.  For one, it was produced by WWE Studios, who gave us the classic wrestler slasher movie, See No Evil.  Another reason was that the Leprechaun would be played by none other than Hornswoggle.  He’s not as well-known as some other wrestler-turned-actors like Kane, The Rock, or Rowdy Roddy Piper, but that’s okay.  Since his career has more or less been devoted to wrestling in a leprechaun outfit; Leprechaun:  Origins seemed like an ideal vehicle for him to make his dreams of movie stardom come true.

A bunch of American college students go to Ireland.  While drinking in a bar, some old dude offers to give them a ride to a cabin in the woods.  They soon find themselves locked in the cabin with a diminutive demon Leprechaun.

The opening scenes feature a lot of POV shots (gold-tinted of course) of the Leprechaun stalking his prey.  That led me to believe it would take a while before we actually got a good look at the new Leprechaun.  Surprisingly, it doesn’t take long to see the new Leprechaun in all its (gory) glory.  Oddly enough, it looks a lot like the Elf from Elves.  Disappointingly, he DOESN’T speak OR make goofy rhymes.

Okay, I get it.  They were trying to go the “serious” and “scary” route for this one.  However, making a “serious” and “scary” movie about a killer Leprechaun is just kind of stupid.  Sure, the other movies in the series were stupid too, but this is a different kind of stupid.  At least the Warwick Davis pictures were knowingly stupid.  This is the wrong kind of stupid.  

I really missed the original incarnation of the character.  This mindless monster could’ve been anything really as it doesn’t particularly resemble a Leprechaun.  I’m not even sure why Hornswoggle would’ve even wanted to be in this.  I mean he is completely silent and covered head to toe in make-up the whole time.  Not exactly the best way to get noticed in Hollywood.  Maybe he owed Vince McMahon a favor or something.

Leprechaun:  Origins is not supremely shitty or anything.  It’s “watchable” at best, but it never comes close to approaching “enjoyable”.  It’s just incredibly miscalculated.  

There are some okay moments.  I liked the part where the dumbass boyfriend falls asleep before getting it on with his hot girlfriend.  There’s also a great “Oh shit” scene where The Final Girl mistakes her friend for the Leprechaun and buries an axe in her face.  The gore is also decent as the Leprechaun rips out gold earrings and tongue piercings, and pulls out one guy’s spine.  (Maybe the guy had a gold plate in his back or something.)  There is a callback to the “Fuck you, Lucky Charms!” line from the original, but that’s about it in ways of connective tissue with the original films.

As bad as most of this is, I didn’t hate it.  I wouldn’t even mind a sequel with Hornswoggle in the lead.  Just… you know… next time make him an actual Leprechaun who says rhymes and kills people.  I’m sure it’s not much to ask, is it?

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN BACK TO THA HOOD (2003) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 24th, 2009)

You may think that the Leprechaun series had reached a creative low point since Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood recycles the same ghetto setting from the previous movie.  I have to disagree.  You can tell this flick is going to be pretty inventive just by looking at the title.  Most brain-dead horror sequels set in the hood would use the more traditional slang word “Da” in the title, but this one opts for the lesser known (and much more eloquent) “Tha”.  Just like the title, the film is slightly better than you’d expect. 

 

The plot is just like all the other Leprechaun movies.  Some people steal the Leprechaun’s gold and he wants it back.  For the Leprechaun, it’s the Same Shit Different Day Syndrome. 

 

The air of over-familiarity isn’t the only debit the film has.  It also gets off to a slow start as Leprechaun doesn’t start killing people until about a half hour into the flick.  Even after he shows up, there are still some considerable lulls in the action.  Plus, the characters aren’t nearly as likable as they were in the previous entry.  At least they are more fleshed out than most characters in horror sequels.

 

Despite its flaws, Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood is still quite a bit of fun.  Although there are a number of kills that are left off screen, the ones we do get to see are memorable.  Hearts are ripped out, legs are ripped off, and a guy gets a baseball bat IN the knee.  Easily the most outrageous kill is when one dude gets stabbed with a bong.  Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood also features a hilarious Lord of the Rings inspired pre-credits sequence that had me in stitches.

 

Warwick Davis gives yet another fine performance as Leprechaun.  Although I was somewhat disappointed by the conspicuous lack of funny rhymes, that was acceptable because he played the character as a much more malevolent monster this time around.  Just because he was a meaner greener killing machine didn’t mean he didn’t bring the funny.  Wait until you see him smoke a bong, get high, and get the munchies.  That shit was great.  Chaplin, eat your heart out.

 

Leprechaun also gets as good as he gives in this one.  In one scene, he takes an electric razor to the eye and in the end, he gets shot up by some shamrock filled bullets.  The highlight of the film though is when he hangs on to the bottom of the hero’s car and gets squashed by the hydraulics system.  That scene was tight.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD (2000) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 23rd, 2009)

Usually adding rappers to your horror sequel is a sure sign of creative bankruptcy.  If you don’t believe me, check out Busta Rhymes in Halloween:  Resurrection.  For the Leprechaun series, it actually makes a lot of sense.  I mean all the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) knows is rhyming and killing.  The same could be said for most rappers.

 

The opening scene takes place in the '70s.  Ice-T (with the obligatory afro) finds Leprechaun’s pot of gold and uses the amulet to turn the irate Irishman into stone.  (“You midget Midas motherfucker!”)  When Ice-T blows on Leprechaun’s golden lute, he becomes a big-time rapper.  Cut to 2000 where a trio of up-and-coming rappers rob Ice-T’s office and accidentally set the Leprechaun free.  They get their hands on the lute and their career begins to take off, but Leprechaun is hot on their trail.  And he wants his gold!

 

Leprechaun in the Hood is the first film in the series that actually follows some sort of continuity.  Like Part 3, Leprechaun is encased in stone by the magical amulet in the beginning of the film.  There’s also a hilarious scene where he gets momentarily weakened by smoking a joint laced with four leaf clovers.  (Four leaf clovers as we all know, was the cause of his death in Part 1.)  Leprechaun also gets some funny rhymes this time out.  (“A lot of time has come and pass, but you’re still a big fat ass!”)

 

Speaking of rhyming, the scenes of the heroes rapping on stage are kinda lame (especially their “religious” rap in a church) and bog the film down.  I will give the filmmakers credit for taking their characters seriously though.  When one of them gets killed unexpectedly, the other two deal with it in an appropriate and believable manner.  I mean how many horror sequels do you know of where the characters actually take time out to mourn the loss of their friends? 

 

I’m not saying this flick is Sophie’s Choice or anything.  There is plenty of blatant ridiculousness here to please any self-respecting connoisseur of the Leprechaun franchise.  How about the subplot where Leprechaun possesses some skanky chicks and turns them into “Zombie Fly Girls”?  Is that weird enough for ya, folks?  The kills are of a fairly high quality and include death by electrified mike stand, heart ripping, and of course, popping caps in people’s asses.  The funniest death though is the throat slashing via afro pick.  And for some reason, a lot of the plot revolves around guys dressing in drag.

 

The highlight of course is when Leprechaun raps at the end.  (“Lep in the hood, come to do no good!”)  You may think that Leprechaun’s rap name “Lep” sounds stupid, but when you consider that other rapper names like Nas and Pras sound just as dumb, it’s kinda believable.  I also like the rap names for the main characters Post Master P (“I deliver a positive message!”), Stray Bullet, and Onassis (“He used to be a pimp; you know… he OWNED asses!”).

 

Warwick Davis gives another stellar performance as Leprechaun.  He seems to be having more fun here than he did in the last film, that’s for sure.  Ice-T is also pretty good and gives his best performance in a movie not named Ricochet.  If T’s presence wasn’t enough to give the movie “street cred”; Coolio also turns up in a cameo playing himself.

 

The pacing is erratic, the cinematography is cruddy, and most of the songs (with the exception of Leprechaun’s rap that is) are terrible.  That shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the flick though.  Leprechaun returned three years later with Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood.

 

Leprechaun (naturally) gets the best line of the movie when he smokes a fatty and says, “A friend with weed, is a friend indeed!”