MIDORI (1993) **

I’ve been hearing a lot about this anime for a while now.  Even though I’m not really an anime guy, I figured I would check it out, mostly because it’s supposed to be pretty messed up.  And well… it kinda is… but that doesn’t mean it works.  Not by a long shot. 

Midori is a little girl whose mother dies.  Afterwards, she wanders the streets alone when she is abducted by a freakish lot of carnies who subject her to all sorts of torment, degradation, and abuse.  (These guys really know how to put the “freak” in “freak show”, if you know what I mean.)  When a dwarf magician joins the show, he shows Midori kindness, and eventually, they get married.  However, he soon proves to be just as vile as the other sideshow degenerates.

Like I said, I’m not really an anime guy or anything, but I have to say this flick features some of the worst animation I’ve ever seen.  It makes Ralph Bakshi’s shit look like Pixar in comparison.  Imagine if Tod Browning and Roger Watkins made a movie with sub-Speed Racer animation and that might come close to painting the picture.  There is some memorable weirdness and depravity here, like eyeball licking, dog smooshing, and exploding bodies.  I have to say there wasn’t as much craziness as I was expecting, given the film’s reputation. 

Most of the time, the so-called animation is just a collection of still drawings.  When something actually does move, it’s not for very long.  I guess they thought if the subject matter was lurid enough, they could get away with having shoddy animation.  That might’ve sounded good in principle, but I can only imagine how effective this all would’ve been if the animation wasn’t so piss poor.  Or if the ending didn’t completely shit the bed.  Maybe someday someone will make a live-action version of it.  Now THAT would be something.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: INVISIBLE CENTERFOLDS (2015) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A stuffy professor (Frankie Dell) is working on an invisibility potion in his stately mansion.  However, the women he manages to lure back to his abode balk at being human guinea pigs.  That changes when he meets a shy model (Christine Nguyen) who jumps at the chance to be invisible.  She then uses her newfound powers to spy on her backstabbing roommates, who are all in the running to be the latest Miss February.  Problems arise when a shady mobster tries to get his hands on the formula. 

Invisible Centerfolds is your typical late night cable comedy fare from Dean McKendrick.  It’s not great by any means, but it’s anchored by a fun performance by Nguyen, who certainly gives it her all.  The supporting turns by lovely ladies like Krissy Lynn, Scarlett Red, and Misty Stone are all sold too.  

The invisible woman effects would’ve seemed out of date in 1933 when the original Invisible Man was released.  Doors shut by themselves (probably a crew member just off camera) and Nguyen appears and reappears via simple dissolves.  Oh, and there’s a scene where someone turns into a gorilla, which would’ve also looked right at home in a movie from 1933. 

Although McKendrick and company never really take advantage of the invisibility concept (the title is misleading as Nguyen is a model, but she never does get the centerfold job), it remains mildly amusing throughout.  Besides, the real reason you’re probably watching it is for the softcore sex, which is better than average as far as these things go.  Dell and Stone have a decent pairing, and Nguyen has a hot coupling with Dell as well.  Lynn and Red cause sparks to fly in their sultry scene together, and Christine and Scarlet also have a lively romp in the bedroom that culminates with some scintillating scissoring.  While the action isn’t quite steamy enough to push Invisible Centerfolds into the win column, the abundance of skin alone is worthy of a marginal recommendation. 

DUNE PART TWO (2024) ***

I was not a fan of Denis Villeneuve’s first stab at tackling Frank Herbert’s sci-fi epic Dune.  However, about halfway through this sequel, he gives us a scene where a woman of color TEACHES a white guy how to “walk without rhythm”.  I thought to myself, “Boy, now THIS is what I call sci-fi!”

Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet) lives and fights among the Fremen, the desert freedom fighters to halt spice production on the planet Arrakis.  Meanwhile, his mother Lady Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson) drinks the “Water of Life” and becomes a Reverend Mother.  Eventually, Paul fulfills his destiny by drinking the water and becoming an all-powerful demigod to topple the evil Baron Harkonnen (Stellan Skarsgard) and avenge the death his father. 

Part Two is better than Part One, mostly because now that the table has been set, the drama can be ratcheted up a bit.  The first one suffered from a slow build up to a non-climax. The sequel also has the benefit of fleshing out the stuff that David Lynch’s version glossed over, so it at the very least doesn’t feel like a retread of the 1984 version, the way Part One did. 

It also helps that there’s more action this time around.  While some of the desert battle scenes tend to feel similar, the worm riding scenes are kind of fun.  The highlights are black and white gladiator sequences which have scope and visual pizazz that was missing from Part One.  

I’ll admit that Chalamet has grown into the role of Paul quite nicely and in turn, he’s grown on me.  He is especially good in his quiet scenes as a future leader wrestling with his destiny.  His scenes with Zendaya are solid too.  Josh Brolin gives the movie a little shot in the arm when he shows up about halfway through.  New cast members like Christopher Walken and Florence Pugh don’t have much to do besides set up a sequel, but it’s nice that they’re around.  Lea Seydoux makes an impression though as a sexy Bene Gesserit, as does Austin Butler, who with his warped bald head, shaved eyebrows, and odd grin looks like a psychotic emoji come to life. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND (2012) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 1st, 2013)

On the planet Byfrexia, the evil Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) has made a machine that creates dangerous storms that threaten the planet.  Her ship attacks Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) and she escapes to Earth with her loyal bodyguard (Jazy Berlin) in tow.  A drunk sees their ship land and reports it to the authorities and two agents investigate.  Meanwhile the alien babes have never seen an Earth man before, and they become intrigued with their “third leg”.

There’s lots of special effects in Dirty Blondes from Beyond (besides the silicone that is).  The CGI space battles are brief, but they are well done on a miniscule budget.  (There’s even a spaceship chase through an asteroid field.)  But although the effects look like a million bucks (okay, half a million), they aren’t enough to save the movie.

When you watch a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie, you at least expect to get a few laughs from it.  I’ll admit, I did get a chuckle over the twist ending where we learn the alien ships run on vibrators, but it’s actually funnier seeing the female cast struggling through the jargon-filled exposition dialogue.  But for the most part, Dirty Blondes from Beyond suffers from a been there-done that feeling.  

Although the film is fairly watchable, the lack of quality sex scenes knocks it down a notch.  There’s a decent Rackley-Berlin scene that features some nice scissoring action, as well as a good Erika Jordan-Christine Nguyen coupling, but other than that; the rest of the sex scenes are pretty weak.  (The Guy on Girl scenes are especially disappointing.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE VAMPIRE’S SEDUCTION (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Tina Krause stars as the sexy vampire babe “Dracoola”.  She’s thirsty for blood and commands a nerdy descendant of Van Helsing (John Paul Fedele) to supply her with lesbians.  He then runs out and spends most of the movie spying on women showering, watching girls experimenting at a slumber party, catching sexy doctors seducing their patients, and peeping on pizza delivery boys receiving lap dances.  

The Vampire’s Seduction is basically an updating of the old nudie cutie trope of a nerdy guy spying on hot women in the nude.  As such, it works pretty well as the nude scenes are plentiful and fun.  However, it could’ve been even hotter if the irritating “Wally Van Helsing” wasn’t such a boner killer.  His monkey business gets old fast.  That said, the slumber party sequence is a real winner.  It involves everything from spankings to candle wax to Jell-O.  If only someone could make a “Phantom Edit” of this and remove Wally the same way they erased Jar Jar from The Phantom Menace.  Then this would easily be a Four-Star affair.  One can dream.

Directed by John (Erotic Survivor) Bacchus, The Vampire’s Seduction is very uneven.  The comedy crap is downright agonizing sometimes, but if you can make it past that shit, you’ll be treated to some damned fine T & A.  And let’s face it.  That’s the only reason we’re watching it.  

Fans of Tina Krause should be pleased as she looks great while wearing a vampire cape and little else.  Too bad all she gets to do is bark orders at the annoying Wally.  Debbie Rochon also appears as a surly waitress, but she doesn’t have much to do either.  Fortunately, the lesser-known models and actresses are up to the challenge and their constant disrobing and nude shenanigans make the whole thing worthwhile.  

A sequel, Vampire Vixens, followed. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MISTY’S SECRET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Misty Mundae takes a bath while Tina Krause combs her hair in the nude.  Then they hop in the tub together and Misty washes Tina’s back.  Eventually, she seduces Tina.  So far, so great.  Meanwhile, Ruby Larocca comes to New York and visits the Empire State Building.  Later, while alone in her friend’s apartment, she performs a striptease at the window and plays with herself.  

Misty’s Secret is a fine film, yet I found it a little frustrating.  I mean, it features Misty, Tina, and Ruby naked, so it’s pretty much critic-proof, but still.  I mean after the movie was over, I had like… sooo… many questions.  First off, what’s up with Ruby taking her clothes off all by her lonesome and never interacting with either Misty or Tina?  Were they just unused scenes from an uncompleted movie that were tacked on to boost the running time?  Or is there a deeper meaning to it all?

Oh, and what’s up with the “Necktie Killer”?  Is he there to show how fate can arbitrarily snuff out love before it has time to blossom?  Or is he a moral crusader there to stop an “unnatural” relationship?  We never really learn one way or the other.

Oh… and most importantly… WHAT THE HELL IS MISTY’S SECRET?  She doesn’t say a word the whole movie.  What secrets is she keeping?  Argh. 

Since Misty spends 80% of her screen time naked and 90% of that time in the bathtub, these questions are mostly irrelevant.  (Maybe Misty’s secret is how to avoid wearing clothing.)  In fact, Misty spends so much time in the tub I was afraid the poor girl was going to turn into a prune.  

I think they have a name for movies that are ambiguous, full of unanswered riddles, and contain massive amounts of nudity:  Art film.  And as far as art films go, I’d say Misty’s Secret is Oscar worthy, if only for the massive amounts of nudity. 

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (2024) ** ½

Following up Mad Max:  Fury Road was an unenviable task.  I won’t lie.  There are certainly moments in Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga that flirts with the greatness of that film.  However, these moments are often fleeting and followed by long frustrating stretches.  If Fury Road was a breathlessly paced affair, then Furiosa has a tendency to hold its breath.  A lot. 

This is a prequel following Charlize Theron’s character, Furiosa.  We see how she grew up and came to be in Immortan Joe’s army.  And more importantly, how she lost her arm. 

This is all well and fine, but Furiosa is sorely lacking the dynamic center that makes a Mad Max movie work.  Namely, uh… Mad Max.  Theron had no trouble carrying her share of Fury Road, and one could only imagine how much better this could’ve been with her in the driver’s seat.  Sadly, we are saddled with Anya Taylor-Joy, who just isn’t quite up to the task as she seems much to waifish to be an action heroine. 

The biggest issue though is with the movie’s structure.  The story is told in five acts, only three of which were really necessary.  There are also some time jumps that are oddly placed.  Because of that, it’s missing the urgency of the other pictures.  I mean, it’s hard to put the pedal to the metal when the narrative is starting and sputtering.  Maybe Taylor-Joy could’ve made a better impression if she didn’t show up till about the fifty-minute mark.   

I don’t want to seem like I’m too down on Furiosa because when it cooks, it sizzles.  The first act finds director George Miller digging into western iconography as several moments have the feel of a John Ford movie. The big “War Rig” sequence harkens back to the Road Warrior days, and he gives us some memorable touches along the way (like the parachute dudes).  The finale is solid too, but it’s much too uneven and overlong (it’s over two and a half hours) to really gel as a whole.  Ultimately it just feels more like a collection of footnotes leading up to Fury Road than an honest prequel. 

Chris Hemsworth is funny as Dementus, the villain.  With his beak nose and squawking delivery, he seems like a post-nuke version of the Cocoa Puffs bird.  His motorcycle chariot is by far the most unique and bizarre touch in the film.  My favorite new character was “Octoboss”, although like most henchmen, he only has a few cool moments to shine before being dispatched. 

It’s Hemsworth who gets the best line when he says, “When things go bonkers, you got to adapt!”