TRUCK TURNER (1974) *** ½

Isaac Hayes won an Oscar for his theme song for Shaft, so when it came time to do the score for Truck Turner, he asked if he could star in it and the producers said, “Why not?”  Hayes plays the eponymous badass bounty hunter (in a role originally intended for Robert Mitchum!) who inadvertently stirs up a hornets’ nest when he is forced to kill a pimp named Gator while trying to collect a bounty.  Gator’s death almost immediately creates a power vacuum on the streets.  Things come to a head when his main lady (Star Trek’s Nichelle Nichols) puts an open hit out on Truck Turner with Gator’s stable of saucy streetwalkers being the prize. 

Director Jonathan (Bad Girls) Kaplan delivers on the demands of the genre in the form of car chases, barroom brawls, and shootouts, but with slightly more flair than you may expect.  (The hospital gunfight finale is especially memorable.)  He also offers up such interesting sights as a pimp’s funeral along the way.  Most of the fun comes from how rapidly the plot escalates into an all-out war. 

Hayes delivers a fine turn in his first starring vehicle.  He has an affable world weariness that suits the character nicely.  While his theme song falls short of the heights of Shaft, it remains a solid second tier Blaxploitation anthem.  Likewise, the film falls just short of the classics of the genre, but it remains one entertaining blast of Blaxploitation goodness. 

Hayes is buoyed by a murderer’s row of talent in the supporting cast.  Yaphet Kotto makes for a fine foil as a villainous pimp.  We also have Dick Miller as a lawyer, Scatman Crothers as a retired pimp, Stan Shaw as a young pimp, and Werewolf Woman’s Annik Borel as a sex worker.  It’s Nichols who’s the most entertaining.  You haven’t lived till you’ve seen the usually demure Lt. Uhura playing a foul-mouthed trash talking streetwalker. 

Editor Michael Kahn went on to be the go-to editor for Spielberg. 

AKA:  Black Bullet.  AKA:  Chicago Poker.

THE MUMMY’S DUNGEON (1993) ***

Ramses (Sal Longo) wants to revive an ancient Egyptian god, and of course, in order to do so, he needs virgin blood.  He lures unsuspecting models to his basement for photo shoots where he sacrifices them on an altar and lets his mummy sidekick (Dave Castiglione) have his way with them.  When her twin sister is killed by Ramses, Kris (Amanda Madison) goes looking for answers. 

The Mummy’s Dungeon is a lot different from other W.A.V.E. movies.  In most of these things, women undress, get chained up, and are killed.  In this one, women undress, get chained up, and are killed while a decrepit mummy stands around licking his chops.  It’s a totally different thing. 

The movie boasts what has to be the ickiest looking mummy the screen has seen since Dawn of the Mummy.  The scenes of him licking and biting helpless maidens are surprisingly effective.  The sacrifice scenes have a Blood Feast kind of feel to them, although aside from one solid heart-ripping scene, they aren’t all that gory.  The film is also filled with photo shoot sequences (including one inspired by Basic Instinct where the model has to keep crossing and uncrossing her legs) and Psycho-inspired shots of Longo peeping on the models changing. 

Despite the overall air of seediness, there is very little in the way of nudity, other than a couple of nip slips.  That’s not really a criticism, but more of an observation.  I mean W.A.V.E. movies are more or less critic-proof to begin with.  You either dig whatever particular brand of nuttiness they’ve dreamed up, or you don’t. 

The cast is solid all the way around.  Longo once again brings his amusing antics to the table as the psycho photographer.  Castiglione impressively manages to make his character memorable even while buried under tons of make-up and bandages.  The line-up of W.A.V.E. starlets, including Michelle Caporaletti, Christie Clark, and Terri Lewandowski, are also quite good at playing their doomed characters.  

FANTASTIC FANTASY FRIGHT-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) *** ½

Something Weird concocted another winner when they made this horror and Sci-Fi trailer compilation tape.  What makes this collection so much fun is that it offers a good mix of eras (from the ‘50s to the ‘70s) and subgenres (everything from giant lizards to Edgar Allan Poe adaptations).  We also get a nice blend of respectable studio films (The Illustrated Man, Fantastic Voyage, and Escape from the Planet of the Apes) and low budget schlock (The Giant Claw, Beast from Haunted Cave, and Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory).  Speaking of which, many trailers for films that played on Mystery Science Theater 3000 show up here too (like The Giant Gila Monster, The Unearthly, and Bride of the Monster).  Other highlights include the awesome sounds of The Rivingtons’ “The Bird’s the Word” playing throughout the trailer for The Crawling Hand (which was another MST3K favorite.)

We are also treated to a lot of previews for films from the masters of the macabre like Vincent Price (The Conqueror Worm, House of Usher, and Cry of the Banshee), and Christopher Lee (Horror Hotel, The Oblong Box, and Night of the Blood Monster).  Fans of terrific taglines will be in hog heaven as well.  Some of my favorites include, “The fun finger points to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine!”  The trailer for The Face of Fu Manchu announces its title character as “The sinister minister of fear!”  The ad for Five Million Years to Earth promises, “Women will be defiled by the invaders from outer space!” and The Crimson Cult boasts, “Every victim violated!”  How can you not want to see THAT?  I did think it was odd that some trailers for color movies are in black and white (most notably Peeping Tom), but that doesn’t in any way ruin the fun. 

And kids!  Don’t forget to pick up your “Black Stamps” when you catch a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb!

Here’s the complete trailer rundown:  Jason and the Argonauts, Captain Sindbad (sp), Horror Hotel, The Raven, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Palace, Children of the Damned, a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, First Men in the Moon, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, The Face of Fu Manchu, a double feature of Die Monster Die and Planet of the Vampires, Fantastic Voyage, What’s up Tiger Lily?, The Fearless Vampire Killers, One Million Years B.C., Barbarella, Thunderbirds are Go, Five Million Years to Earth, Kiss and Kill (AKA:  The Blood of Fu Manchu), Brides of Blood, The Conqueror Worm, The Evil, Phantasm, Up from the Depths, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, The Love Factor, Peeping Tom, Circus of Horrors, Beast from Haunted Cave, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Devil’s Partner, The Premature Burial, Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory, The Giant Gila Monster, The Giant Behemoth, Godzilla King of the Monsters, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Gorgo, Konga, Bride of the Monster, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Enemy from Space, The Giant Claw, The Unearthly, Reptilicus, King Kong vs. Godzilla, The Leech Woman, House of Usher, The Devil’s Bride, The Crimson Cult, The Valley of Gwangi, The Illustrated Man, The Green Slime, The Oblong Box, The Dunwich Horror, a double feature of The Crimson Cult and Horror House, Count Yorga Vampire, Cry of the Banshee, House of Dark Shadows, Night of the Blood Monster, and a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus. 

TRAILERS #16: SWORD/SANDAL (1992) ***

Sword and Sandal epics from the ‘50s and ‘60s aren’t necessarily my favorite genre, but after I recently had fun with the Muscles, Maidens, and Monsters compilation, I figured I’d watch another Something Weird trailer compilation devoted to them. 

There are some definite highlights here as the best trailers often have a tinge of horror and/or Sci-Fi elements that help to differentiate them from dozens of other interchangeable toga epics.  There’s the wild looking trailer for Goliath and the Vampire which features some gnarly carnage.  Winged creatures and phony looking bears are tossed around in the preview for Goliath and the Dragon.  The coming attractions for Ulysses boasts Kirk Douglas squaring off against a giant cyclops.  The special effects wizardry of Ray Harryhausen is on display in the trailers for Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, and Clash of the Titans.  Atlantis:  The Lost Continent has animal men straight out of the Island of Dr. Moreau and the flying zombies of Mario Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World are pretty cool looking.  Speaking of old Herc, there are plenty of previews for his adventures, including one for a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained starring Steve Reeves and there’s even an ad for the Lou Ferrigno version from the ‘80s too. 

About halfway through, the format changes and instead of trailers, we get to watch an unsold Hercules pilot directed by Albert (Ghoulies 2) Band, produced by Joseph E. Levine (who also produced the Steve Reeves Hercules movies), and starring Gordon Scott called Hercules and the Princess of Troy (***).  Hercules liberates a slave ship and heads to Troy to do battle with a sea monster who has a nasty habit of eating up the city’s virgins.  It’s pretty decent, all things considered.  It looks much more like a feature than a TV show and the sea monster is legitimately cool looking, at least once it hits dry land.  (Even if it does look more like a giant cockroach than a “sea monster”.)

For the last half hour or so, things switch back to the trailer format, except this time they have a more jungle inspired theme.  My guess is that Something Weird ran out of Italian musclemen trailers in a hurry, so in an effort to fill out a two-hour tape, they gave us musclemen of the Jungle Jim/Tarzan variety.  (Also included are trailers for serials like King of the Congo and Panther Girl of the Kongo ).

Overall, it’s a fun way to kill two hours, even if they kind of forget the theme by the end.  There are also some great taglines along the way.  My favorite was for War of the Zombies, which promises:  “Bloodless men in the bloodiest battle ever screened!”

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Ulysses, Duel of the Titans, Atlantis:  The Lost Continent, a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained, Hercules Unchained, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men, Giant of Metropolis, Gladiators Seven, Erik the Conqueror, Jason and the Argonauts, War of the Zombies, Knives of the Avenger, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, The Wizard of Baghdad, Thief of Baghdad, Clash of the Titans, Jack the Giant Killer, Hercules (1983), Hercules and the Princess of Troy (TV pilot), King of the Congo, Panther Girl of the Kongo, Bride of the Gorilla, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, She Demons, Voodoo Woman, Tarzan and the She-Devil, The Naked Jungle, Tarzan’s Hidden Jungle, Liane Jungle Goddess, Hell Ship Mutiny, Love-Slaves of the Amazons, The Bride and the Beast, and Journey to the Lost City. 

AMITYVILLE FRANKENSTEIN (2023) NO STARS

A movie nerd (the always annoying Shawn C. Phillips) sits down and watches “Terror Telly”, where a horror host plays a flick called” Bungling Burglars”.  In it, two thieves break into a spooky warehouse.  While trying to steal an antique watch, they accidentally resurrect two Frankenstein creatures.  Then, there’s a preview for next week’s movie, “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, which is pretty self-explanatory. 

It took a while, but I finally found it.  I think I can safely say Amityville Frankenstein is the worst movie that has the word “Amityville” in the title.  That’s a bold statement I know but coming from someone who’s seen over fifty fake Amityville movies in his time, I think I can judge it accordingly. 

Folks, no movie has contained less movie than this movie. 

Amityville Frankenstein is heavily padded with the wraparound scenes with Phillips, long opening and closing credits sequences (both for the movie and for the horror host program), irritating stretches of the horror movie host rambling on, exorbitantly long scenes of people walking up stairs and/or stumbling in the dark, seemingly unending establishing shots (sometimes of locations that have already been firmly established), and annoyingly long shots of someone getting electrocuted. 

The scenes of Phillips mugging for the camera and shoving food in his mouth are rather insufferable.  The stuff with the horror host isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty useless.  And the less said about “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, the better. 

It’s only sixty-two minutes long, but it feels about three times that length.  If I had to guess, I’d say there’s only about four minutes of actual “plot” in the entire running time, and that is being generous.  As someone who thinks fake Amityville movies are a guilty pleasure, Amityville Frankenstein gives the genre a bad name, and boy is that saying something. 

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: THE FINAL RECKONING (2025) **

The last Mission:  Impossible ended on a cliffhanger and was even titled Dead Reckoning Part One.  This sequel scrapped the “Part Two” and is just subtitled The Final Reckoning.  The only problem with that is that the last one, while entertaining, wasn’t exactly memorable.  So, going into it, I was kind of worried I was going to wrack my brain to remember what the hell happened in that one.  (The Christopher McQuarrie era of M:  I films have kind of started to run together for me.)  

The Final Reckoning anticipates this and gives us a bit of a refresher in the beginning.  (Ethan Hunt, once again played by Tom Cruise, has to stop a rogue AI from taking over the world.)  However, McQuarrie goes overboard with all the exposition dumps and needless flashbacks to the previous movies (and flashbacks to stuff we just saw ten minutes ago).  All this does is add to the already jaw-dropping run time.  (It’s nearly three hours.)  Shit, this could’ve been a three-parter.  The constant stream of exposition from scene to scene makes for an awfully clunky narrative and gets in the way of the fun.  In fact, the whole enterprise seems like a bet McQuarrie made to see how much exposition he can fit into a movie.  The answer is a shit ton. 

I hate AI as much as the next guy, but a faceless “Entity” doesn’t exactly make for a compelling villain for a long-running franchise.  It doesn’t help that it’s merely a thinly veiled stand-in for “Fake News” on the internet (“It wants us fighting each other!”) or that Esai Morales isn’t much of a human villain either.  I mean, everything Hunt has always tried to steal to the “Knock List” to the “Rabbit’s Foot” has simply been a McGuffin.  A plot device.  We don’t need to explain what it is.  We just need to know he has to get it to save the world.  This time out, the plan seems to be talking it to death. 

This definitely feels like the last one.  There are lots of references and clips from the previous adventures, although all that really does is eat up more screen time.  We also get dumb plot twist involving someone being related to a previous member of the team that just lands goofy. 

Maybe all my quibbles wouldn’t have amounted to much if the action was strong.  However, the gun fights and hand-to-hand stuff feel weak, and the big set pieces pale in comparison to the other installments.  I mean, in Rogue Nation, Cruise hung outside of a real jet.  In this one, he hangs off the side of a biplane.  Yes, the stunt is impressive, and I commend Tom’s desire to entertain audiences, but it just seems like a step backwards.  The series’ batting average has been strong till now and since this is the only real clunker in the franchise, I’d say it would be easy to forgive it if it hadn’t been so damn long. 

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to sit through nearly three hours of exposition in order to get to a few ho-hum action sequences that lack the kick of the franchise’s best work.  Judging by the mediocre box office, the series will probably self-destruct in five seconds. 

AKA:  Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning Part Two.

DEAFULA (1975) *** ½

Deafula is the first movie filmed in “Signscope” for deaf audiences.  Not content to be just a Dracula flick with the novelty of actors using sign language (don’t worry, there are narrators who translate for non-deaf audience members), the filmmakers have concocted a weird and arty flick that would be unique even if it didn’t feature characters signing.  (Well, except for the hunchback who doesn’t have hands.)  If you were thinking this was going to be a straight-up adaptation of Dracula, but with sign language, think again.  It’s an odd and unforgettable experience altogether. 

Steve (writer and co-director Peter Wechsberg, who kind of looks like a blonde Bob Seger) is a deeply religious son of a preacher man who had a deadly blood disease as a child which turned him into a vampire.  Years later, whenever Steve thirsts for blood, he transforms into a bloodsucker with a big fake nose and a Dracula cape.  The police are baffled, so they call on an expert from England who is convinced a vampire was responsible. 

It all sounds like a typical vampire movie, but Deafula is anything but.  Even without the signing, it would still make for an arty good time.  The black and white photography is dreamlike and there are several memorable touches.  Even the vampire attack scenes have an offbeat energy about them, and there’s at least one disturbing flashback sequence.  The fact that the filmmakers throw out much of the commonly accepted vampire lore (I mean Deafula is a priest!) adds to the anything-goes atmosphere. 

The only real debit is the anticlimactic ending.  If the film ended with Deafula’s battle with the real Count Dracula, it probably would’ve been a Four Star flick.  Unfortunately, it continues on about fifteen minutes too long and the heavily religious closing scene kind of takes the wind out of the movie’s sails. 

That said, this is a one-of-a-kind flick.  Vampire aficionados who think they’ve seen it all should check it out.  Fans of Obscure-O-Rama cinema will want to give it a look-see too. 

AKA:  Young Deafula.