THE TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA (1980) **

Sister Virginia (Zora Kerova, who is probably best known as the actress who was hung up on hooks in Cannibal Ferox) is elected to the position of Mother Superior of her convent.  Meanwhile, a horny nobleman (Mario Cutini) conspires with a disreputable priest (Franco Garafalo) to get into her pants.  After the rich dude rapes Virginia, she eventually winds up falling in love with the guy (it’s one of those deals).  Trouble brews when she becomes pregnant and the nobleman and the priest try to cover the scandal up. 

The True Story of the Nun of Monza tells a story that has been told many times before, but this time it’s told by Bruno Mattei. Because of that, you probably already know what (not) to expect. 

The opening scene is sure to raise some eyebrows though as graphic shots of horses fucking are intercut with scenes of a nun being consecrated.  This is about as crazy as the movie gets, sadly.  (Don’t worry, there’s no Emanuelle in America-style of equestrian hijinks here.)  That said, the film does at least have enough skin to make it watchable.  One scene involves a nun being whipped for having a dream about blowing the Lord and savior.  I also dug the part where Virginia does penance by wearing a bra padded with thorns.  The occasional orgy scene doesn’t hurt either. 

These moments don’t amount to much in the long run, however.  Unfortunately, Mattei and screenwriter Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso can’t seem to bring it all together in a satisfying way.  The dramatic portions are especially pokey and the political maneuvering and double crossing between the nuns and priests is kind of dull.  It all ends with deceit, double crossing, and eventually murder, but you might find yourself tuning out by then.  To his credit, Mattei does deliver a gnarly scene where rats are found feasting on a nun’s corpse. 

WRESTLING WOMEN USA! (2001) ***

Before Lingerie Fighting Championships, before mud wrestling, and even before G.L.O.W., there were female grapplers on Saturday Night Wrestling.  This compilation from Something Weird features six matches from the early days of women’s wrestling.  While it isn’t “weird” exactly, it’s certainly something.

First up is a bout between Lili Bitter and June Byers and it features a nice mix of body slams, hammerlocks, and hair tosses.  Next, Cora Combs locks horns with Lorraine Johnson in a match complete with headlocks, hip tosses, and full Nelsons.  The match between Clara Mortenssen and Rita Martinez eschews the typical play by play commentary in favor of dialogue by two fans over the match.  (They sort of sound like Amos ‘n Andy.)  It doesn’t help that the match itself is mostly confined to the mat as it involves lots of leg locks and scissor holds.  The two bleacher bums continue their conversation throughout the next match between “The Blonde Ballerina” and June O’Day.  Their banter is annoying once again, but at least there is a decent amount of action in the match. 

The bout between Ella Walldeck and Jane Mull is a lot of fun as it is full of reversals, dirty tricks, and fast paced action.  Curiously, it’s a two out of three match but only one round is shown. The final match is a tag team bout.  Betty Hawkins and Carrie Majors square off against Ida May and Violet Vian.  It’s probably the liveliest match in the collection and features lots of unsportsmanlike conduct.  However, as with the previous match, only one of the scheduled three falls is shown. 

For fans of moldy relics of sports history, Wrestling Women USA! will scratch a very specific itch.  Even as a fan of this sort of thing, I kind of wish the presentation was a bit better.  The camerawork is static for the most part, but that’s just how it was back in those days.  (The camerawork during the Blonde Ballerina match isn’t bad though.)  The fact that these matches have been preserved as well as they have is what’s really important.  Despite its shortcomings, some of the bouts manage to be quite fun. 

AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes of the Fifties Vol. 1.  AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes Vol. 1. 

IMAGES IN A CONVENT (1979) *** ½

Isabella (Paola Senatore) is a spoiled Countess who is squirreled away inside a convent to keep her from getting it on with her pervert uncle.  She’s only there for a hot minute before she’s flashing her boobs at the Mother Superior.  Meanwhile, the horny Sisters that inhabit the convent begin fooling around with one another.  Are they naturally naughty nuns or are they being influenced by a sinister Satanic statue that stands in the courtyard of the convent?  Sexual tensions flare further when a wounded man arrives on the scene seeking shelter (and sex). 

Images in a Convent is a tawdry and highly entertaining entry in the Nunsploitation genre.  The all-time maestro of Italian sleaze, Joe D’Amato was at the helm of this bad boy, and his unmistakable fingerprints are all over the material.  The scenes of the nuns flagrantly breaking their vow of chastity by tossing off their habits and getting down and dirty with each other are a lot of fun.  The highlight (for me anyway) came when the Mother Superior whips a nun and then licks her wounds.  In addition to the scenes of the sapphic sisters gleefully doing the horizontal mambo, D’Amato also delivers some XXX action during the scene where a pair of thieves have their way with a nun in the woods. 

The stuff that holds the sex scenes together is less engaging.  The worst thing I can say about the movie is that the whole thing feels episodic.  Thankfully, those episodes that contain hot nun on nun action are well worth watching. 

The only name I recognized in the credits was Donald (Doctor Butcher M.D.) O’Brien, who plays a priest who shows up late in the game to perform an exorcism on the entire convent.  (There’s even a generic sounding knockoff of “Tubular Bells” that accompanies him in a few scenes.)  Although I didn’t really know the ladies in the cast by sight (many of whom also appeared in Emanuelle in America for D’Amato), they are all quite good, especially during the epic nun free for all that concludes the picture. 

In short, Uncle Joe certainly blessed fans of sleazy cinema when he made Images in a Convent.

STORY OF A CLOISTERED NUN (1975) ** ½

Story of a Cloistered Nun begins with a scene where two babies are married to unite their family’s interests.  I’ve heard of relatives playing matchmaker before, but this is ridiculous. 

One of the babies grows up to be the headstrong Carmela (Eleonora Giorgi), who rejects being betrothed without her consent.  Her family then has no recourse but to send her off to a nunnery.  As soon as she walks in the door, the nuns are eagerly ripping her clothes off and pawing at her.  Despite this, Carmela eventually gets used to her surroundings.  Meanwhile, the horny Sister Elizabeth (Catherine Spaak) has special privileges like the ability to sneak men into the convent for a little hanky-panky and hold late night costume parties.  Elizabeth takes a shine to the new nun, but when Carmela rebuffs her advances, Sister Elizabeth sets out for revenge. 

Story of a Cloistered Nun has its moments, but it kind of stops and sputters in between the good stuff.  There’s a decent whipping, some female cross dressing, and a great scene where a nun sasses Mother Superior (Suzy Kendall from The Bird with the Crystal Plumage) and she punishes her by making the sister clean the floor with her tongue.  Some viewers (okay, maybe just me) would’ve probably been happier if the sleaze quotient had been cranked up a notch.  I mean there’s some blasphemous stuff here (like a nun having a baby), but nothing you have to say three Hail Marys for after the movie’s over. 

Giorgi has several nude scenes, which helps, but Kendall is kind of wasted.  Likewise, Spaak is kind of fun, although she never quite gets the opportunity to play up her character’s sinning ways to the hilt.  Then again, this might be the only Nunsploitation movie I’ve seen that rips off Spartacus, so it has that going for it. 

AKA:  Diary of a Cloistered Nun.  AKA:  The Diary of a Closeted Nun.  AKA:  Unholy Convent.  AKA:  Love Story of a Nun.

CRISTIANA DEVIL NUN (1972) ** ½

The opening scene where Cristiana (Toti Achilli) is making love to her boyfriend Luca (Gerardo Rossi) on an airplane is pretty wild.  Characters entering the “Mile High Club” in movies isn’t exactly something new.  However, most characters opt for the privacy of the lavatory.  Here, Cristiana and her man plow away openly in their seats while the other passengers root them on.  One guy even times them!  Incredible. 

But wait, it gets better.  After their roll in the hay, the plane experiences turbulence and goes into a nosedive.  Cristiana grabs the nearest nun she can find and vows to give up her sinning ways and enter a convent if God will save the plane.  Wouldn’t you just know it?  That’s exactly what happens. 

True to her word, Cristiana heads off to a convent.  It doesn’t take long though for her to regret her decision, and soon she’s hooking up with a horny nun named Leonora (Satanik’s Magda Konopka).  Eventually, Luca comes looking for Cristiana, but Sister Leonora manages to turn his head, which leads to heartbreak.  Cristiana then flees the convent and plows headlong into a life of sin. 

The title is sort of a misnomer because Cristiana really isn’t a “devil” nun, she’s more of a horny nun.  Then again, the title was probably changed to cash in on the then-scandalous hit The Devils, which was also about horny nuns.  Of the naughty nun scenes, one of my favorites was the part where Cristiana and her lover find a way to make love in the bell tower and keep the bells ringing while they’re knocking the boots.  There are also some hardcore insert shots that help spice the sex scenes up. 

Fans of Nunsploitation movies (like me) will be disappointed by the third act though.  It’s here where things kind of run out of gas.  While it still features a fair amount of sleaze, it just doesn’t have the same kick to it as the hour that preceded it.  That’s mainly because Cristiana leaves the convent and heads off to be a sex worker like her mother.  Again, there’s plenty of T & A during this stretch of the film.  It’s just that it was a lot more fun when our heroine was in the habit, if you catch my drift.  The overwrought theme song is good for a laugh though. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Toti Achilli’s only film role.  (If IMDb is to be believed.)  She is excellent and doesn’t miss an opportunity to bare all.  She also has genuine chemistry with Konopka, who is quite good too.  At least Achilli got to show her stuff in this flick, so because of that, we should count our blessings. 

AKA:  Our Lady of Lust.  AKA:  Life of a Nympho.  AKA:  Loves of a Nymphomaniac.  AKA: Loves of a Nympho. 

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE IN 3-D (1983) ** ½

Steve Guttenberg stars as a low-level government worker who has a run-in with an invisible spy on his wedding day.  Before he dies, the invisible man gives Guttenberg the formula and almost immediately, Steve-O is wanted for murder.  He accidentally takes the formula, which turns him invisible too and with the help of his cute future sister in-law (Lisa Langlois), tries to get the formula back into the right hands. 

The Man Who Wasn’t There was one of the first movies I vividly remember seeing in the theater.  (I was five at the time.)  So, because of my memorable viewing experience, I may be looking at it through rose tinted 3-D glasses.  Even now, I can acknowledge the film has its fair share of problems, but the blast of nostalgia I get from watching it outweighs many (okay, some) of its shortcomings. 

The film was produced by Frank Mancuso, Jr. for Paramount, who had just made Friday the 13th 3-D for the studio the year before.  I have a feeling that the film may not have originally been conceived as a 3-D movie.  (They probably just used the flick as an excuse to crank out another 3-D movie with the existing technology.)  C’mon, let’s face it.  The idea of invisibility doesn’t really lend itself to the gimmick.  How can an invisible man be in 3-D if you can’t even see him?  Sure, some of the floating objects the invisible man is holding look kind of cool in a depth-of-field kind of way, but few of them ever cross the plane of the screen and out into the audience. 

The movie admittedly gets off to a rough start.  The opening slapstick fight between stereotypical foreign ambassadors (one of whom is played by Return of the Living Dead’s Don Calfa) is pretty embarrassing.  Luckily, the movie improves dramatically once Guttenberg becomes invisible. 

Guttenberg has charisma and is a likable presence, even if the material he’s been given is weak at times.  It’s Lisa Langlois who steals the movie though as his love interest.  She is a lot of fun to watch and probably deserved to be a bigger star.  Lisa also gets some good nude scenes, including when she takes the formula and reappears naked while being chased by two cops.  Then of course, there’s her memorable sex scene with Guttenberg while he’s invisible.  The rest of the supporting cast is pretty strong and includes Art Hindle, Jeffrey Tambor, and William Forsythe.

The film was directed by Bruce (Nighthawks) Malmuth (who also appears as a henchman), although nothing in his filmography suggests he can do comedy.  (He can’t, really.)  The comic car chases aren’t funny and go on too long to boot.  In fact, the whole movie really could’ve been trimmed down.  It’s nearly two hours long and probably would’ve played just fine at around ninety. 

The Invisibility effects are a mixed bag.  Some of the optical effects are good (like when the invisible man gets knifed), but a lot of the effects are the same shit they were doing back in the Claude Rains days.  (There are even a few visible wires when the invisible man is holding something.)  When the 3-D and the invisible effects DO work in harmony, the results are quite striking like when an invisible man blows smoke rings into the audience.  The scene where Guttenberg’s boxers are running around on their own is amusing too. 

Scenes like this really captured my imagination when I saw it on the big screen.  I saw many of the 3-D movies that came out around the same time including Spacehunter, Jaws 3-D, and Amityville 3-D, all of which in one way or another cemented my love for the gimmick at an impressionable age.  

Speaking of 3-D, while the effects aren’t particularly outstanding, there are enough of them to warrant seeing it in 3-D.  Malmuth certainly utilizes the effects more than many directors did during the late ‘00s 3-D boom.  The effects include: 

• 3-D Opening Titles

• 3-D Hors D’oeuvres 

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Smoke Rings

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Invisibility Vial

• 3-D Telescopes (multiple)

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Gun

• 3-D Confetti

Then of course, there’s the centerpiece scene where Guttenberg walks into the girls’ locker room and watches Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens shower.  This might have been the first instance of nudity I saw in a movie, and it’s certainly one I have never forgotten.  It probably also explains my devotion to those iconic Scream Queens.  (Another Scream Queen, Deborah Dutch also appears as a horny secretary.)

Ultimately, even for someone who has fond memories of the movie, The Man Who Wasn’t There is just too uneven to really work both conceptually and from an effects standpoint.  The 3-D is good enough to make me say if you end up seeing it in 2-D you’ll probably want to subtract a ½ * to the rating. 

Writer Stanford Sherman also wrote stone-cold classics like Krull and The Ice Pirates. 

ANACONDA (2024) ***

Did you know that the year before the Anaconda remake starring Jack Black came out there was a Chinese remake?  While it may fall short of the first two entries in the official franchise, it’s probably the second-best Anaconda remake ever made.  It’s certainly a notch or two above the SyFy Channel sequels, that’s for sure. 

A troupe of circus performers head down river to Thailand on a rickety boat through a jungle thought to be home to the mythical “Crimson Anaconda”.  On their voyage, they pick up a stowaway.  The caravan soon learns their new passenger is obsessed with capturing the snake and isn’t above using them as bait. 

Anaconda is far from perfect but it’s a breezy good time.  It clocks in at a brisk seventy-nine minutes and there isn’t a whole lot of fat, which is always appreciated in a killer snake movie.  In fact, the first five minutes has enough scenes of snakes swallowing people whole, puking out their corpses, and wrapping around their victims before crushing them to death to please just about any Anaconda fan out there.  There are also fun moments like when an explosion sends hundreds of snakes raining down on our heroes and a gnarly bit where a baby snake worms its way into a guy’s ear.  Plus, the CGI for the snake is miles better than most of the computer effects normally found in Chinese productions. 

Sure, some of the snake attack sequences get repetitive (especially towards the end).  I could’ve done without some of the lame comedy bits too (including a scene with a “zombie”).  I also was a bit letdown that these circus performers didn’t have an acrobat in the group.  Can you imagine how cool it would’ve been to see a trapeze artist swinging on vines to narrowly avoid becoming Snake Chow?  Oh well.  At any rate, Anaconda certainly isn’t boring and boasts a fairly sturdy body count.  It’s no Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but it’ll do in a pinch. 

AKA:  Anacondas.  AKA:  Anaconda:  Cursed Jungle.