PRIME EVIL: HOOKER WITH A HACKSAW (2017) * ½

Donald Farmer is one of the reigning kings of no-budget horror. He’s been in the game for over thirty years now.  Judging from Hooker with a Hacksaw, I’m not exactly sure how much he’s learned since the days of Vampire Cop.

Kirsten (Kasper Meltedhair, who also co-wrote the movie with Farmer) is a hooker who is so desperate, she’ll have sex with a psycho john’s dead mother for drugs.  Another john forces her to appear in a snuff movie, but she’s able to get free and turns the tables on her captors, killing them with a hacksaw.  She then goes out on the street, trusty hacksaw in hand, killing abusive assholes and parasitic pushers.

Hooker with a Hacksaw is one of those movies where the budget was so low, you’ll swear the special effects were bought at the Spirt of Halloween clearance rack the day after Halloween.  I mean the dead mother is nothing more than a plastic skeleton.  In fact, there’s a long scene in the movie where Meltedhair is seen wandering endlessly down the aisles of a Spirit of Halloween store, which confirms my suspicion that’s where the plastic skeleton corpse was purchased from.  Not only that, but the shots of her trying on mask after mask also helps to pad out the running time.

I give Meltedhair credit for ripping guys’ guts out and doing sexually suggestive stuff with their intestines and still managing to look sexy while doing so.  This scene is so good that it’s repeated over the end credits to further pad the running time.  At seventy minutes, it’s still way too long though, even when the last ten minutes are nothing more than credits.  Still, the instestine scene, along with Meltedhair’s game performance is enough to keep this from being a One Star deal.

Linnea Quigley has a cameo, briefly appearing on television. 

Hooker with a Hacksaw is available on Amazon Prime for free HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: PUPPET MASTER: AXIS TERMINATION (2017) * ½

Puppet Master:  Axis Termination is the eleventh entry in the long-running franchise and the final installment in the “Axis Trilogy".  Our heroes from Axis Rising show up once again, only to be immediately killed off one minute into the movie.  An American soldier (Paul Logan, a veteran of many Jim Wynorski films) just happens along long enough to take ownership of the puppets.  He later is teamed up with a dwarf scientist (George Appleby) to use the puppets as part of a magic squad to fight the Nazis.  Naturally, the Nazis have their own puppets who are now in the care of a sexy scientist (Tanya Kay) who controls them using mental telepathy.

Axis Termination is once again directed by Charles Band.  Even though it’s pretty much a stinker through and through, I have to give him credit for trying to give this one a unique look.  He does overboard with the multi-colored gels though.  The emphasis on psychics, telekinesis, telepathy, and “sexual magic” gives it a different flavor than the last few entries too.  I’m not saying it’s in any way remotely successful or anything (the magic power battles are goofy), but at least this wasn’t a case of churning out the same old shit.  

There’s also more gore than the previous installments, although some of the CGI blood is painfully phony looking.  We also get a cool character who ripped her gimmick off from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3.  The problem is that the pacing is almost non-existent.  The scenes of people sitting around talking endlessly about making plans instead of you know, following through with them go on and on without mercy.  In fact, any scene without the puppets is extremely slow-going, which is to say, it’s just like any other Puppet Master movie.

The puppets themselves are a bit livelier this time out as they are sometimes portrayed by actors performing in front of a greenscreen.  However, there isn’t nearly enough puppet action in this one to make it worthwhile, and the action we do get is mostly reserved for the last ten minutes of the movie.  I can’t guarantee you’ll stick around that long.

David DeCoteau, who directed the third, sixth, seventh, and ninth installments in the franchise, appears briefly as a “Flamboyant Nazi”.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: PUPPET MASTER X: AXIS RISING (2012) **

Puppet Master X:  Axis Rising features a whole new cast replacing the actors from Puppet Master:  Axis of Evil who take up a lot of the early scenes reiterating the plot of that movie.  It seems that the puppet Tunneller has fallen into the hands of the Nazis.  Danny (now played by Kip Canyon) sets out to get him back.  Meanwhile a Nazi doctor (Oto Brezina) is working on his own batch of puppets at the behest of a sexy Nazi babe named Uschi (Stephanie Sanditz).

This tenth installment in the Puppet Master franchise (if you don’t count Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys that is, and frankly, who would want to?) is only the second directed by series creator Charles Band.  It’s a definite improvement on Axis of Evil, and while I can’t quite call it one of the best films in the series, it’s easily the best entry in the “Axis Trilogy”.  While Axis of Evil was somewhat earnest in its intentions, making pointed observations about race relations during WWII, and boasting some fine period detail, the results were middling to say the least.  Puppet Master X is seriously lacking any of that.  However, there is something to be said for a movie that knows it’s junk and gleefully dives right into out-and-out silliness.  

The addition of Sanditz as the sexy Ilsa-inspired Nazi hottie certainly helps.  She spends almost all her screen time nearly busting out of her Nazi uniform or writhing around in skimpy lingerie.  The movie takes a nose dive in quality after she is killed off, but at least she is brought back late in the game in the form of an evil puppet named “Bombshell” who comes equipped with machine gun titties.

There’s also a werewolf puppet, a German robot tank named “Blitzkrieg”, and a Japanese puppet called “Kamikaze”.  The stuff with these Nazi puppets is fun, mostly because they’re something new and offer the classic puppets like Blade and Leech Woman an opportunity to do something besides kill people.  The puppet battles, it must be said, are a long time coming though.  Still, there’s enough random cheesiness here to keep you watching.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: PUPPET MASTER: AXIS OF EVIL (2010) * ½

Danny (Levi Fiehler) is a young man stricken with polio who yearns to do his part to fight the Germans in WWII.  He finds Andre Toulon’s hidden stash of killer puppets and learns the secret to bring them to life.  When Danny finds out the Germans and Japanese are plotting to blow up an American factory, he enlists the help of the puppets to stop them.

David DeCoteau is back in the director’s chair for this ninth Puppet Master flick and it’s not one of his better efforts.  Like most Puppet Master movies, Axis of Evil really struggles whenever the puppets aren’t front and center doing their thing.  That unfortunately accounts for much of the running time.  The opening sequence (which depends on extensive use of footage from the first movie) is particularly sluggish.  The scenes of Fiehler’s home life are often mawkish, especially when he’s dealing with his affliction or when he’s hanging out with his gung-ho brother.  The pacing in these scenes are rather leaden and DeCoteau does very little to help move them along.  It also doesn’t help that they contain actors who are almost as wooden as the puppets themselves.  

Speaking of the puppets, it takes seemingly forever before they finally are given a chance to shine.  These sequences taken on their own merits, aren’t bad.  The Leech Woman pukes into a guy’s sushi, Tunneller drills into a dude’s skull, and the new Ninja puppet kills people using Ninja stars.  However, there really needed to be more sequences of this caliber for Axis of Evil to have been successful.

The addition of a Japanese “Dragon Lady” villain (who is hiding out in Chinatown because “Americans can’t tell the difference between Chinese and Japanese”) gives this entry a slightly different flavor.  It’s certainly one of the better-looking Puppet Master movies as DeCoteau achieves a decent amount of period detail on a meager budget.  (We also get at least one funny, if inexplicable L.A. Confidential reference.)  Too bad the ending (which leaves the door wide open for yet another sequel) is so abrupt and unsatisfying.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR WEEN: PUPPET MASTER: THE LEGACY (2003) **

Puppet Master:  The Legacy is the eighth entry in the long-running franchise and the first one to be directed by producer Charles Band (using a pseudonym, “Robert Talbot”).  He didn’t have much work to do as this is essentially a “Best of” clips show masquerading as an actual sequel.  (The editor was the real hero here.)  Fans of the series will probably be disappointed by the lack of new puppet action, but for a guy like me who hasn’t seen these movies in a while, I guess it was an okay refresher course (especially since I plan on watching the rest of them in the next few days).

A thief (Kate Orsini) holds Andre Toulon’s apprentice, Peter Hertz (Jacob Witkin) hostage and forces him to divulge his puppet mastery secrets.  He eventually relents and begins to bring her up to speed on the history of the puppets.  And by that, I mean he just shows a bunch of clips from the Puppet Master series.   

Since The Legacy is basically a recounting of the entire franchise thus far, that means we get quite a lot of killer puppet action with the bare minimum of plot.  I mean I can’t say any of the Puppet Master films ever came close to anything approaching a “good” movie, so whittling seven of them down to make one passable eighty-minute flick wasn’t really a difficult task.  Even if we’ve seen all this shit before, it’s hard to hate any movie in which people get offed by killer puppets about every five minutes or so.  

The new scenes that help to string the flashbacks together are adequate at best.  They take place on one claustrophobic set and look like they were filmed in a day.  Unfortunately, they feature no new Puppet Mastering, which is disappointing to say the least.  Even with these lackluster wraparound segments, Puppet Master:  The Legacy is still one of the better movies in the franchise (which really isn’t saying much).

AKA:  Puppet Master Legacy.

PRIME EVIL: FANGS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1973) **

Anita Ekberg inherits a crumbling old castle and heads off to the old country to claim the title of countess.  She stops for a drink at an inn where she learns everyone in the countryside is afraid of her family.  When Ekberg arrives at the castle, she discovers she comes from a long line of vampires and that her uncle (Gianni Medici) is a master of “necro-biology”.  Naturally, he plans on making Ekberg a vampire too. 

Fangs of the Living Dead comes to us from Amando de Ossorio, the director of the Blind Dead movies.  Although those films were atmospheric and unforgettable, everything about this one is thoroughly ordinary.  There’s nothing here you haven’t already seen hundreds of times before.  We have busty barmaids serving drinks in taverns full of suspicious townsfolk, flashbacks of women being burned alive at the stake, angry villagers brandishing torches, lap dissolve vampire deaths, and crumbling castles complete with spooky graveyards, creepy crypts, and a torture dungeon. 

De Ossorio relies heavily on these durable clichés and proudly wears his influences (the Universal horror movies of the ‘40s and the Hammer horror films of the ‘60s), but never quite finds a way to make them gel.  It mostly feels like a greatest hits package of horror clichés than a real movie.  All of this is watchable certainly, mostly because of Ekberg’s heaving bosom.  Even then, it isn’t quite enough to make Fangs of the Living Dead a winner. 

AKA:  Malenka.  AKA:  Bloody Girl.  AKA:  Malenka, the Niece of the Vampire.  AKA:  The Vampire’s Niece.  AKA:  Malenka, the Vampire.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: GOOSEBUMPS 2: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN (2018) ***

Goosebumps were not my bag.  By the time they came out, I was already reading Stephen King, so I had no interest in them whatsoever.  I only saw the first movie because my daughter wanted to see it and while she enjoyed it immensely, I was not so amused.  I’m happy to report that Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween is a considerable improvement in just about every way.  Not only that, it’s a lot of fun for grown-ups too.

A couple of kids find Slappy the evil ventriloquist dummy in a creepy abandoned house.  When it comes to life, they think it’s cool because it helps them fight off a nasty bully.  When Slappy tries to become a permanent member of their family, the kids dump his ass in a river.  This makes Slappy angry and he gets his revenge by bringing all the Halloween decorations in town to life. 

Since I was not a fan of the original, I went into Goosebumps 2 with absolutely no expectations.  Much to my surprise, it was fast moving fun with some real laugh-out-loud moments along the way.  I can’t even remember cracking a smile throughout the first one.  The fate of Terry, the slow-witted pumpkin in particular made me laugh a very long time. 

It felt like the first Goosebumps movie was trying to cram all the stories into one place.  This feels more like a one-off.  Because it has a narrower scope, it handily accomplishes what it sets out to do.  The design work on the creatures is impressive and there are a few moments that may be intense for young ones, something which couldn’t be said for its predecessor.  Speaking of young ones, my daughter was on the edge of her seat the whole time and was cackling throughout the entire movie. 

Although not quite up to the standards of The House with a Clock in its Walls, this is still my second favorite Jack Black kid’s horror movie of 2018.  Sure, he isn’t given a whole lot to do, which may be disappointing for some, but I felt the younger actors were strong enough to sustain your interest without relying on Black’s constant mugging.  He is around just long enough to set up another sequel though (not to mention take a funny jab at It).