THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE (1991) ** ½

Before Scream, we had writer/director Rolfe Kanefsky’s horror-comedy, There’s Nothing Out There.  A bunch of college students spend spring break in a remote house in the woods.  The lone horror movie fan of the group gets on everyone’s nerves as he constantly warns his friends not to act like characters in horror films or run the risk of being killed.  Since that includes things like drinking, skinny-dipping, and premarital sex, he’s kind of a buzzkill.  So, they do what any good friend would do… Lock his ass up in the basement.  Unfortunately, that’s when a slimy space alien shows up and starts melting men’s faces and turning the ladies of the group into mind-controlled killers.

Kanefsky does a great job on the opening slasher movie scene set inside a video store.  Not only is it cool seeing all the old school video boxes, it’s also a nice slice of low budget horror filmmaking.  Although it starts out like gangbusters, there are some real lulls in between the laughs and monster attacks.  There are some clever moments to be sure, but Kanefsky should’ve edited this down a bit more to achieve its maximum entertainment value.

The monster, it must be said, looks terrible.  It resembles a green rubber scarf with eyes.  Just when I was about to write it off, the monster started shooting green lasers out of its eyes.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen a slimy scarf monster with laser eyes before, so I guess I’ll cut it some slack.  

Despite the unevenness of the whole enterprise, Kanefsky really crams this thing full of gratuitous nudity, so you’re always guaranteed to keep watching.  He used this aesthetic all throughout his career.  It especially served him well during his long run directing Skinamax movies like the softcore Emmanuelle cable series.

AKA:  Don’t Scream… Die.  AKA:  The Bloody Cottage in the Forest:  Scream or Die.

Well, that’s going to wrap things up for The 31 Days of Horror-Ween.  I’m not going to lie, this year’s selection of films were pretty rough going at times.  Luckily, we finished out the month with a couple of strong features.  Don’t worry, I’ll have a few more horror reviews before the end of All Hallows’ Eve to close out the month.

If you still can’t get enough horror reviews, well, you’re in luck.  November will see the arrival of Halloween Hangover, in which I’ll try to get around to watching all the horror movies I didn’t get around to watching in November.  It probably won’t be as extensive or thorough, but there’s sure to be plenty more horror for me in the near future.

Besides, it’s Halloween.  Everyone’s entitled to one good scare.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: A QUIET PLACE (2018) *** ½

Well, Prime strikes again.  This is the second time this month a movie I was going to watch mysteriously became “Unavailable”.  Well, “unavailable” as in, “Not Included with Prime”.  I’m sorry, I like Adam Ant as much as the next guy, but if you think I’m going to pay $3.99 for Spellcaster, you got another think coming.  (Luckily, it’s available for free on Tubi, so I’m sure I’ll watch it eventually.)  I was going to save A Quiet Place for November’s horror movie watching project, Halloween Hangover, but I felt that after so many bad movies I’ve watched this month, I needed a break.  As it turns out, this was just the palette cleanser I was looking for.  

The premise is deceptively simple.  Creatures who hunt using sound have pretty much wiped out the population of a small town.  John Krasinski and Emily Blunt hold down the fort with their children, hunting and gathering in total silence, communicating only via sign language.  

That’s all I’ll say.  Although according to the box office reports, you all saw this one way before I did.  It’s just pretty amazing that Krasinski, who also directed was able to squeeze so much suspense, atmosphere, and dread with seemingly so little.  In lesser hands, the suspense would’ve solely come from people dropping stuff and then trying to remain perfectly quiet.  Well, there is some of that, but the movie really cooks when its dealing with its characters’ guilt, fear, and impending motherhood.  Who knew Jim from The Office was a born filmmaker?

I can’t say it’s perfect.  People shush each other so often that it becomes comical after a while.  You could almost play a drinking game every time someone raises their finger to their lips and be in a coma before the movie’s over.  The monsters are also kind of shitty too as they look like something out of a Resident Evil PS2 game.

Those are minor quibbles.  Krasinski delivers three or four memorable suspense-filled sequences of the family in peril.  I mean the plot sounds like something M. Night Shyamalan would cook up, only he’d be too worried trying to make a “twist” to it that he’d forget to bring on the actual scares.  Luckily for us, Krasinski is no M. Night.  

I particularly liked the world-building aspects.  I love survivalist horror, and this flick presents a unique spin on that tried-and-true subgenre.  It also clocks in at a lean and mean ninety minutes, meaning it’s all killer and no filler.  

All in all, A Quiet Place is worth making a ruckus about.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: WOLFGIRL (2001) ***

Tim Curry stars as the ringmaster of a traveling sideshow carnival of freaks.  Grace Jones plays the half-man/half-woman. Both perform musical numbers.  

What was that?  Was that the sound of you adding Wolfgirl to your Prime watchlist?  Good.  

Anyway, Tara (Victoria Sanchez) is the wolfgirl of the title.  She’s covered with hair from head to toe and is the star attraction of sideshow.  When a bully (Shawn Ashmore from the X-Men movies) cruelly taunts her, it makes Tara yearn for a normal life.  Ryan (Dov Tiefenbach), a teenage outcast whose mother (Lesley Ann Warren, who was also in Clue with Curry) is working in her basement laboratory to isolate genes, offers to help her.  He gives her an experimental drug that can potentially reverse her condition.

Of course, the side effects may include headaches, hallucinations, an unshakeable urge to drink from the toilet, and an insatiable bloodlust. 

I’m a sucker for a good freakshow movie.  I love the werewolf genre even more.  As such, I can honestly say the filmmakers did a much better job blending the two together than Howling 6 did. 

It helps that the characters are well drawn, likeable, and sympathetic.  Sanchez (who looks great naked whether she’s covered in hair or not) delivers a fine performance and Curry is particularly great as the ringleader father figure who looks after the freaks.  Director Thom Fitzgerald also does a good job at portraying Tara’s tormentors three-dimensionally.  Deep down, they feel like freaks themselves and are only lashing out because of their own insecurities.  That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does give Wolfgirl an added layer of tragedy a lesser film wouldn’t have had.

Wolfgirl is also interesting because it’s almost like a werewolf tale told in reverse.  Tara starts off like a normal girl, except she’s covered in hair.  When the drug’s side effects bring out the wolf in her, she becomes more animalistic the less hairy she gets. 

It doesn’t all work.  While some of the innuendo-laden musical numbers are amusing, there are frankly just too many song and dance routines that clog up the film.  There’s also a bit too many characters and subplots that get in the way.  Still, it’s a nice attempt, nonetheless.  After watching so many interchangeable, forgettable, and dull horror movies this month, Wolfgirl gave me something to howl about.

AKA:  Wolf Girl.  AKA:  Blood Moon.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER (2004) ** ½

Douglas (Alexander Brickel) is a young trick-or-treater obsessed with the titular video game where you rack up points by helping Satan kill as many people as possible.  On Halloween, he stumbles upon a masked killer he mistakes as Satan who lets him tag along while he stalks his victims.  The kid also has an icky crush on his hot sister Jenna (Katheryn Winnick), so he gets Satan to do away with her new boyfriend Alex (Stephen Graham).  Eventually, Jenna comes to realize her brother is in grave danger.

This was director Jeff (Squirm) Lieberman’s first film in sixteen years.  Like most of his movies, Satan’s Little Helper is uneven as hell.  It’s sometimes clever, sometimes forced, but it’s all mostly entertaining.  He gets a lot of mileage out of a thin premise and delivers one or two memorable sequences.  There are enough little moments along the way to warrant a moderate recommendation from me.

The game cast certainly helps.  Winnick is great as the hot sister.  I especially liked the scenes where she cozies up to the masked killer thinking it's her boyfriend.  Pulp Fiction’s Amanda Plummer is equally fine as her quirky mom.  Heck, even the kid isn’t too bad. 

At a hundred minutes, Satan’s Little Helper goes on a good fifteen minutes longer than it really needed to.  By the time the third act rolls around, it’s already started to recycle some of the gags, and of course, the characters are so stupid they fall into the same trap twice.  It all leads up to a frustrating non-ending, but when it works, it’s a solid little chiller.  All in all, it’s probably Lieberman’s best film.

AKA:  Satanic Halloween.  AKA:  Halloween Killer.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: BLOOD REUNION (2012) *

As a young girl, Janeth (April Hartman) found the dead body of her mother, Winona (Paula Marcenaro Solinger).  Unbeknownst to Janeth, her mother had been turned into a vampire.  Fifteen years later, Janeth returns home and accidentally frees Winona from her grave.  She then goes around tearing into people’s throats, and it’s eventually up to Janeth to stop her. 

Blood Reunion is your typical forgettable no-budget horror movie.  The amateurish acting is all over the place.  Some of the actors recite their dialogue in a stilted manner.  Some barely get through their lines without stumbling over their words.  Others chew the scenery (badly, I might add).  

The lighting is flat and drab, and the sound is less than optimal (it’s particularly bad during the outdoor scenes).  The plot moves slowly too.  Since there isn’t much to it, it makes the slow pace feel even slower.  The overly simplistic musical score is annoying and is far too intrusive for its own good.  The one scene of gratuitous nudity is about the only thing to pull you out of the mire and inspire you to keep going, even though you know good and well nothing is really ever going to happen.  

I’m going to admit.  After 27 days of nothing but horror movies, I think I might’ve hit my threshold with this one.  I’m not saying it’s the worst one I’ve sat through this month.  It’s just the dullest.  Is it November yet?

Two sequels followed, although I don’t think I can muster the enthusiasm to watch them.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975) ***

In the mid-‘70s, there was no hotter name in TV horror than Dan Curtis.  After a string of successes that included Dark Shadows, The Night Stalker, and Dracula, he teamed up with frequent Twilight Zone scribe Richard Matheson and Logan’s Run novelist William F. Nolan for this trio of horrific tales.  As a fan of anthology horror movies, I’m almost ashamed to admit I’ve never seen this one.  Oh well, we all have blind spots.  It’s time to rectify that.

I’m also a big fan of Karen Black, which is another reason why I can’t believe I haven’t seen this sooner.  There may be only three stories, but Black gets to play FOUR different characters.  That’s a lot of Black for your buck.  

In “Julie” (****), Black plays a mousy professor.  A lothario student gets infatuated with her and continually pesters her to go on a date.  Finally, she acquiesces, and in return, he drugs and rapes her.  He also blackmails her into doing more unspeakable acts until she eventually plots her revenge. 

This sequence must’ve been quite shocking for primetime TV at the time.  Although nothing is ever shown, A LOT is implied, which also sort of makes it even more icky.  It’s (unfortunately) even more timely now than when it first aired, but that is kind of what makes it so powerful.  It’s anchored by a great performance by Black, her first of many in the film.  

Black gets to play both “Millicent and Therese” (**) in the next segment.  After the death of her father, the prudish Millicent suspects her sister Therese is responsible.  She eventually comes to believe Therese is a witch and takes to using her own black magic against her.

It’s fun seeing Black as two such disparate characters as she goes from playing spinster Millicent to the vivacious sexpot Therese.  That’s about where the fun stops I’m afraid.  Unlike the other tales in the anthology, this one is sluggishly paced.  There’s really not much of a payoff either and on top of that, the twist ending is predictable.  I did like seeing Police Academy’s George Gaynes as Black’s doctor though. 

“Amelia” (****) is the third and most famous story. She comes home to her apartment and finds a Zuni fetish doll waiting for her in the mail.  When its mystical chain is accidentally removed, the doll comes to life and stalks Amelia. 

Amelia is one of the most highly influential anthology horror stories of all time and has been ripped off many times in the past few decades.  It’s hard to imagine Child’s Play or Tales from the Hood without it.  It starts slow and features a long phone conversation that acts as an exposition dump to set up the “rules”.  Stick with it though because Curtis is just getting warmed up.  Once it starts kicking ass, it never lets up.  Curtis gets a lot of mileage out of just the one character and location, creating lots of tension and suspense, culminating in a memorable final shot.  All in all, it’s one of the greatest TV horror segments of all time. 

AKA:  Tales of Terror.  AKA:  Terror of the Doll.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: TWICE DEAD (1988) **

Siblings Tom (The Brain) Breznahan and Jill (Night of the Creeps) Whitlow move into a house where an actor murdered his girlfriend before hanging himself in the ‘30s.  For some reason, a biker gang likes to hang around the place and enjoys tormenting the family.  After a lot of back and forth between the warring factions, the bikers invade the home and hold the teens hostage.  It’s then when the ghost of the dead actor comes after the home invaders.

Twice Dead is a weird mishmash of The New Kids, April Fool’s Day, and an Amityville sequel.  It borrows from a lot of different subgenres, seemingly at random and none of them ever gel.  Most of the scenes of the punk hooligans harassing the teens are tedious, although I did like the part where our heroes throw a coffin out the back of a speeding hearse and into the grill of their pursuers’ car. 

The gore includes a decapitated head spinning around on a record player, and deaths by a dumb waiter and a possessed motorcycle.  I guess it already spoiled things by saying the flick borrows from April Fool’s Day, which means many of the deaths are just elaborate hoaxes.  However, unlike that film, the people all eventually wind up getting killed for real, hence the title.

I’ve liked the two leads in other movies, but they’re kind of bland and forgettable here.  Same goes for supporting players Brooke Bundy and Todd Bridges, who aren’t given much to do.  The only one who makes much of an impression is Skinamax siren Charlie Spradling who gets the best death of the movie in which she gets to come and go at the same time, if you catch my drift.  Other than that winning moment, Twice Dead is barely worth watching once.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: EVIL OF DRACULA (1975) ** ½

Evil of Dracula is the third and final film in the Legacy of Dracula series.  It plays more like a loose remake of first movie, except with different characters and locations.  It’s also the most wildly uneven of the bunch, resulting in a lot of highs and lows.  Those highs make for some memorable moments though.

A professor (Toshio Kurosawa) gets a job at an all-girl boarding school.  He’s shocked to learn the principal (Shin Kishida) keeps his dead wife down in the basement.  You know.  Just in case she wakes up.  As is usually the case with these elite girls’ school.  Nothing unusual here.   I guess it goes without saying that the prof starts seeing vampire babes floating around the corridors at night.  What makes these vampires different (or awesome, depending on your point of view) is that they like to bite their victims right on the boob. 

Unlike its chaste predecessors, there’s a little nudity this time out, which makes some of the more sluggish passages somewhat bearable.  There’s also more atmosphere here than in the second entry, Lake of Dracula, although nearly not as much as the first one.  The girls’ school location gives this installment a unique flavor, which helps, especially when some of the scenes and shots are nearly identical to ones found in the first movie.

Like Lake, it kinda dawdles during the second act.  Stay with it though, and you will be treated to plenty of boob biting, copious bloodletting, and a nifty face ripping scene.  The fun finale makes up for some of the pacing problems found elsewhere in the flick, although it doesn’t quite redeem the entire production.  

Still, despite a general sense of unevenness that runs rampant throughout the three films, I’d say for fans of bloodsucking cinema, the Legacy of Dracula series is one franchise worth sinking your teeth into.

AKA:  Bloodsucking Rose.  AKA:  The Bloodthirsty Roses.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: LAKE OF DRACULA (1973) ** ½

As a child, Akiko (Midori Fujita) had a dream about chasing her dog into a castle full of vampires.  Years later, she goes to her lakeside home to finish a painting that has an ominous significance for her, although she can’t exactly explain why.  It all finally dawns on her that the vampires in her dream are very real.  Not only that, they’re after her.  Akiko’s doctor boyfriend Takashi (Choei Takahashi) and sister Natsuko (Sanae Emi) think she’s crazy, but that all changes once the vampire turns Natsuko into a bloodsucker.  

Lake of Dracula isn’t a direct sequel to Legacy of Dracula:  The Vampire Doll.  Instead, it’s more of a spiritual continuation in terms of style, subject matter, and tone.  It has a few similar thematic links (like hypnotism and the death of a sibling), but it’s not nearly as cohesive and satisfying as its predecessor.  One cool touch is that it features a few supporting players from the first movie appearing in different roles.  Too bad they’re not given anything memorable to do.

This film moves much more deliberately than the original and isn’t quite as stylish either (although the dream scenes are well done).  Director Michio Yamamoto does deliver an occasional clever moment (like the near-autopsy scene), but there’s just not enough meat here to warrant the sluggish pace.  It’s also rather uneven.  However, things really take off in the final reel.  While you do have to wait for the flick to eventually kick a little ass, the last ten minutes or so will be a blast for old school Dracula fans (especially Hammer enthusiasts).  If only the rest of the movie had the same kind of pizzazz.  Oh well.  I guess it’s better late than never.  

AKA:  Bloodthirsty Eyes.  AKA:  Japula.  AKA:  Lake of Death.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: LEGACY OF DRACULA: THE VAMPIRE DOLL (1971) ***

Kazuhiko (Atsuo Nakamura) arrives at a spooky old mansion on a dark and stormy night looking for his girlfriend Yuko (Yukiko Kobayashi).  He is devastated to learn from her mother Shidu (Yoko Minakaze) that she died in a car accident days before.  She invites him to stay the night and almost right away, he begins seeing the supposedly dead Yuko roaming the hallways and fields accompanied by a soft howling sound.  Eventually, Kazuhiko disappears, and his concerned sister Keiko (Kayo Matsuo) comes looking for him.

Distributed by Toho, this simple, but effective amalgam of vampire tale and ghost story offers atmosphere aplenty.  It’s a very different take on the vampire legend, sweeping away a lot of the traditional lore and utilizing such ingredients as hypnotism and family curses to explain the bloodsucker’s affliction.  (There’s still no substituting a good old-fashioned stake through the heart though.)  The blue-faced, shiny-eyed vampires are rather cool too and help give Legacy of Dracula:  The Vampire Doll its own distinct identity.

Since Psycho is one of my favorite movies of all time, I enjoyed seeing how much it cribbed from the plot of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic.  It gives you a bit of the old Psycho switcheroo in terms of swapping out its lead character early on in the film.  It’s also like Psycho in that the main character is investigating the disappearance of their sibling.  Other Psycho-inspired moments:  The longwinded explanation scene and at least one big scare directly lifted from Hitchcock’s playbook.   

Director Michio Yamamoto doesn’t limit himself to merely ripping off Hitchcock.  He also draws inspiration from Mario Bava and the Hammer horror films of the ‘60s.  Seeing a Japanese director handling the material in such a European way makes for a memorable experience. 

Things never really kick into overdrive or anything, but Legacy of Dracula:  The Vampire Doll remains a solidly entertaining chiller throughout.  Despite the many familiar elements on display, it all still manages to feel rather fresh and vibrant.  The brisk pacing and short running time certainly help make for a satisfying night of bloodsucking fun.

AKA:  The Vampire Doll.  AKA:  Legacy of Dracula.  AKA:  Bloodsucking Doll.  AKA:  Fear of the Ghost House:  Bloodsucking Doll.  AKA:  The Ghost Mansion’s Horror:  A Bloodsucking Doll.  AKA:  The Night of the Vampire.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: MUTANT WAR (1988) *** ½

Matt Mitler returns as reluctant hero Harry Trent in Brett Piper’s superior sequel to Battle for the Lost Planet.  This time, Harry is more of a Mad Max-style hero, roaming through wasteland looking for gas.  He stumbles upon a girl named Fox (Alex Pirnie) whose sister has been kidnapped by mutants who are trying to propagate their race with any human woman they can get their hands on.  Together, they set out to rescue her. 

Battle for the Lost Planet was a marvel of low budget ingenuity.  This one ups the ante considerably; to the point where it looks just as good (and in some instances, even better) than its higher-budgeted contemporaries.  It’s crammed to the gills with great stop-motion monsters, fun special effects, excellent mutant make-up, and gorgeous matte paintings.  Just when you think it can’t get any better, Cameron Mitchell shows up as the villain!  

Even when you can spot the seams in the production, there’s no denying the DIY charm Piper brings to the table.  I’ve sat through many of these Mad Max rip-offs before, so I appreciate one that does a lot with very little.  Mitler once again makes for a fine hero and carries the film on his very capable shoulders.  Also, the large assembly of monsters and mutants more than makes it a better pairing for The 31 Days of Horror-Ween than the original.

Like Battle, it runs out of steam before it reaches the finish line, but it’s an impressive leap forward for Piper in just about every way.  In only two years’ time he was able to make a movie that looks much bigger and more professional than the original.  Even though it’s much more polished than its predecessor, it still contains the same spunky charm.  Not only that, it's just flat-out entertaining.  In a month full of forgettable horror movies, Mutant War is a breath of fresh air.

AKA:  Mutant Men Want Pretty Women.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: BATTLE FOR THE LOST PLANET (1986) ** ½

Harry Trent (Matt Mitler from The Mutilator) infiltrates a top-secret government facility and steals a precious tape containing sensitive data.  When the security guards give chase, Harry escapes in a rocket ship and winds up in outer space.  There, he witnesses a race of pig-faced aliens destroying Earth in a matter of minutes.  After five years in orbit, Harry makes it back down to Earth and teams up with a band of survivors to save (what’s left of) the world. 

I kind of love the way writer/director Brett (They Bite) Piper was able to stage a mass alien invasion with next to no money and still make it seem almost plausible.  The ships are all obviously models you’d find in a toy store, but it’s edited and choreographed just well enough to make it look pretty cool.  (The same goes for the low-fi spaceship interiors.)  The fact that he was able to pull off an opening escape sequence reminiscent of a James Bond opening speaks to Piper’s low budget ingenuity.  Sometimes, the cinematography is too a bit too dark, although I’m sure that was purposefully done to hide the seams of the sets, special effects, and make-up.

The early scenes are a lot of fun, but unfortunately, Battle for the Lost Planet kind of shoots its wad too early.  The long scenes of Trent trying to convince a biker kingpin (who looks like a long-lost Stallone brother) to join his cause drags the pace down.  Still, there’s plenty of stop-motion monsters, alien dogfights, and DIY charm on display to make it worth a look for fans of low budget cinema.  Although it might not always work, it’s impossible not to admire Piper’s ambition, even if it exceeds his grasp. 

Mitler makes for a likable hero.  He has a Johnathon Schaech quality to him, and looks right at home fighting mutants, monsters, and horny bikers.  He’s particularly funny in his last scene.  He returned two years later for the sequel, Mutant War.

Note:  I know this is more of a Sci-Fi movie than a horror film, and I apologize.  I had another film in its place, but Prime removed it from my Watchlist without notice.  I hate when that happens.  I wish there was a way for Prime to notify you when something is about to leave, but oh well.  Since I already had Mutant War planned for tomorrow’s movie (which has a lot more horror-themed elements), I decided to go ahead and watch its predecessor first.  While Battle for the Lost Planet isn’t exactly a horror movie per se, any flick that features stop-motion monsters attacking a naked woman and cool Evil Dead-style melting effects is good enough to get a pass from me.  (Oh, and the movie I had previously planned, Bag Boy Lover Boy, is available for free on Tubi, so I’ll try to watch that eventually before the month is out.)

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE (1963) **

After directing a bunch of Godzilla movies for Toho, Ishiro Honda decided to try his hand at a monster movie on a much smaller scale for a change.  The results are frustratingly uneven.  Ishiro, buddy.  Stick to big ass monsters instead.

Passengers on a yacht get lost in a storm.  They wind up shipwrecked on an uncharted island where the only vegetation seems to be giant mushrooms.  After their rations run out, they resort to eating the mushrooms, which turns them into living mushroom men.

The early scenes made me yearn for the directness of She Demons.  At least with that movie, it began with the characters already washed up on shore.  These opening scenes on the ship aren’t bad per se, just perfunctory.  The part where the supposed famous songbird warbles a tune is good for a laugh though as she sings “la, la, la, la, la” over and over again.

From then on, it’s a slow burn, with the emphasis on slow.  The subplot about the desperation and mistrust growing among the survivors was to be expected, although honestly, I was expecting a bit more.  When all the characters are at each other’s throats, it leaves little room for likability among the cast. 

There’s certainly plenty of atmosphere to go around as the fog-shrouded beaches and fungus-covered ships are appropriately creepy.  You just have to wait an awfully long time for the mushroom people to finally do their thing.  Even then, it’s not exactly worth the wait (although the first appearance of the mushroom monster is effective).  The fungus-faced toadstool terrors are memorable creations, but ultimately, they don’t get much screen time and aren’t given a whole lot to do besides stumble around.  If you stick around, there’s a good little twist at the end, although it comes too little too late. 

AKA:  Matango.  AKA:  Zombi 14:  Mushroom Zombies.  AKA:  Matango:  Attack of the Mushroom People.  AKA:  Curse of the Mushroom People.  AKA:  Fungus of Terror.  AKA:  Matango:  The Fungus of Terror.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: SCALPEL (1977) ** ½

Dr. Reynolds (Robert Lansing) is a brilliant but psychopathic plastic surgeon who is furious when a big family inheritance goes to his daughter Heather (Judith Chapman).  Problem is, she ran off a year ago when she saw her daddy murder her boyfriend and hasn’t come back since.  When Reynolds discovers a stripper with a mutilated face lying helpless in the road, he hatches a diabolical scheme.  Using his medical know-how, he makes her over to resemble his daughter just long enough to get his hands on the money.

To tell any more would spoil the fun.  All I’ll say is that there’s a twist halfway through that complicates their situation dramatically. Needless to say, it throws a monkey wrench into his plan.  There are other twists and turns too.  Some are expected.  Some not.  

Scalpel offers up nothing overly explicit, but it’s definitely disturbing and sometimes shocking the lengths to which Lansing will go through to get his hands of the family fortune.  It helps immensely that Lansing plays a twisted character with such nonchalance, which gives him real menace.  Chapman is also quite good.  You have to believe she’d go along with such an outrageous plot partly out of fear, and partly out of greed.  Or maybe because she’s just as warped as he is.

A few surgical scenes aside, the horror elements are really quite minimal.  Instead, director John Grissmer (who went on to helm the classic Thanksgiving slasher, Blood Rage), goes for more of a Hitchcockian style thriller.  I think even old Hitch would’ve enjoyed the section of the film in which Lansing makes over Chapman, as it resembles Vertigo in some respects.  I also liked the flashback scenes that contradict what Lansing has said on screen, exposing the doctor’s misdeeds to the audience, but not the characters around him. 

All of this is absorbing for an hour or so.  However, the movie kind of plays its cards a bit too soon, and the last half-hour sort of dawdles when it should really be ramping up the suspense.  The climax, though appropriate, is just allowed to go on far too long to be fully effective.  Maybe Grissner should’ve used the titular tool in the editing room to trim things up a bit more.

AKA:  False Face.  AKA:  Woman of the Shadows.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: WAR WOLVES (2009) **

Jake (Michael Worth, who also directed) is part of a group of soldiers who are attacked by a pack of werewolves while fighting in Afghanistan.  He has few memories of the attack and returns home with a severe case of PTSD.  Jake drowns his sorrows in drink and attends support groups (under the name “Lawrence Talbot”) to suppress his newfound murderous instincts.  Meanwhile, three of his sexy soldier sisters in arms go around cruising the countryside turning into werewolves and murdering people indiscriminately.  They are hunted by two Army cronies (John Saxon and Tim Thomerson) who are trying to cover up the Afghanistan attack.  Eventually, the she-wolves come looking for Jake to make him a member of their pack.

As a director, Worth’s earnest approach regarding his character’s PTSD is admirable.  As an actor, he’s just not quite capable of pulling it off.  Worth is a veteran of many action movies, so his strength (both in front of and behind the camera) lies in the war and/or action sequences.  When it comes to the actual werewolf scenes, the horror elements are too just underplayed to really pop. 

The capable cast of genre vets certainly helps.  In addition to Saxon and Thomerson, we also have Adrienne Barbeau as one of the support group members, and the great Martin Kove as one of Saxon’s cohorts.  Sadly, he disappears from the proceedings far too quickly.  On the plus side, Saxon and Thomerson make a terrific team.  Why didn’t somebody think to put them together sooner?  They bounce off one another beautifully and their grumpy old men schtick gets a few laughs.  

Unfortunately, the werewolf makeup is too restrained for its own good.  (They look more like vampires than wolves.)  That’s probably due to the budgetary limitations that also hamper the action sequences.  There are fight scenes that can only be labeled as “Wolf Fu” that are moderately amusing, but it’s painfully obvious that the lack of time and money prevented them from reaching their true potential.   

In the end, there’s not enough exploitation goodness here to please horror fans.  Action fans looking for something with slight genre trappings will probably enjoy it more.  Oh well, at least the title is fucking awesome.

Thomerson gets the best line of the movie when he punches a liberal and says, “He was a little to the left, so I gave him a right!” 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: LONE WOLF (1988) **

Eddie (Jamie Newcomb) is the bad boy lead singer of a struggling rock band who’s eking out a living playing local gigs.  When he’s not busy playing in the band, he’s hard at work at school.  Yes, let’s stop right there a second.  This guy looks to be about 35, but he’s apparently going to school and living with his aunt and uncle.  It’s hard to tell what kind of school it is.  Is it high school?  Or maybe it’s college because everyone looks like they’re in their 30s, but they act like teenagers.  Bullies pick on nerds and horny jocks go in heat every time a hot girl bends over in the hallway.  Then again, the school only seems to teach one class:  Computer Programming.  So, is it a technical school?  It’s hard to tell.  

Anyway, there’s a werewolf going around campus killing people.  The cops think it’s the work of wild dogs but have been unable to find the killer.  Meanwhile, the school’s resident computer nerd sets out to create a computer program to find the werewolf. 

I have to be completely honest with you:  I was more wrapped up trying to figure out the ages of the students and what kind of school they were attending than guessing the identity of the killer werewolf.

Lone Wolf is a passable low budget, locally grown, ‘80s horror flick.  Too bad it has too many characters and subplots that get in the way of the werewolf fun.  Not only is it a werewolf murder mystery whodunit, you also have to deal with the long scenes of the computer nerd playing amateur sleuth and the family problems of the would-be rock star.  At 96 minutes, it’s way too long for a low budget werewolf movie.  The editor really should’ve trimmed back the subplots to streamline things a bit.  At least the hair band heavy metal rock music helps add to the kitsch factor. 

The werewolf is kind of weak, which is another stumbling block.  It just looks like someone wearing a fucking Halloween mask.  So much so, that when it takes the stage during the climactic costume contest, everyone understandably assumes he’s just another contestant.  The transformation scene is bad too as it looks like someone is just shaking the mask to make it look like the snout is moving forward.  The carnage it creates at the school dance is decent and features some face-ripping and a good decapitated head gag.  The kills throughout the rest of the movie are on the repetitive side though, although there is one pretty good heart-ripping scene.  

In short, while not a terrible werewolf movie by any stretch of the imagination, Lone Wolf won’t leave you howling for more.

AKA:  Teenage Werewolf.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: SLICE (2018) *

Slice starts off with a massive exposition dump that is so goofy and more than a little stupid that it immediately takes you aback.  You try to get your bearings, but the movie just hammers you with more and more useless world-building shit that you just have to fucking give up halfway through the longwinded explanation.  The film never recovers from that opening sequence as it kind of plateaus into a sea of unending, unfunny comedy shtick with an occasional horror movie cliché tossed in there for no good reason whatsoever. 

You see, when the local asylum was torn down, the ghosts that haunted the place had nowhere to go.  So, the town displaced them and made them live in… (are you ready for this?) Ghost Town.  A pizza delivery joint was placed on the ruins of the old asylum, and now it seems like their delivery boys are being killed off one by one.  Is it the work of a werewolf delivery boy (Doritos Spokesman, Chance the Rapper)?  Or are there other sinister forces at work?

Writer/director Austin Vesely has a lot of half-baked ideas, but there’s nothing to stick them to.  (More likely, he was fully baked when he wrote the script.)  I will say that the cinematography is kind of cool and the constant use of neon colors make the whole thing look like an overlong music video.  There’s style to spare, and absolutely no substance to be found.  Vesely probably thought he was making a statement about America being built on a burial ground, but he’s just not smart enough to see it through or come close to sticking the landing as the whole thing is pretty much a mess from frame one. 

Slice is all over the place.  It tries for an ‘80s horror-comedy vibe, but the tone and the performances are wildly uneven.  (The actors often feel like they’re acting in entirely different movies.)  The horror stuff is just too goofy to click, and the comedy shit is painfully unfunny.  It also doesn’t help that the chintzy effects (coupled with the lame humor) make Slice feel like a slightly more respectable version of a Troma movie.  The witches’ magic effects are horrible and the less said about the werewolf make-up, the better.  I mean I kept wondering why the hero never turned into a werewolf.  Then, with eight minutes left to spare in the film, we finally see the werewolf and it becomes painfully obvious why.  It looks fucking terrible. 

Another problem is that there are just too many characters.  All of them are thinly sketched and don’t leave much of an impression.  Vesely is just unable to wrangle the various subplots in any kind of meaningful manner.  These subplots include (but are not limited to) a political conspiracy involving witches, a whodunit involving delivery boys being murdered, ghosts trying to coexist with the living, and a lycanthropic Wild One kind of thing.  A movie about any one of these elements might’ve been okay.  Having all of them together just doesn’t work at all. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: TROUBLE EVERY DAY (2001) **

Vincent Gallo and his wife (Tricia Vessey) are on their honeymoon in Paris, but he keeps putting her off to bug a bunch of doctors about a latest miracle drug.  Meanwhile, Core (Beatrice Dalle) goes around the city devouring men while her husband (Alex Descas) cleans up her messes.  We eventually learn they are both afflicted with a strange disease that turns them into cannibals whenever they are sexually aroused.

Claire (High Life) Denis’ Trouble Every Day is a deliberately paced variation on the vampire legend.  It explores the loneliness and isolation that comes with savage bloodlust, and does so in a moody, artsy-fartsy way.  It stops just short of being absorbing, but it does give you enough tantalizing glimpses of the female form and/or vomitous bloodletting to keep you watching.

Gallo is one of my favorite actors, and he is perfect for the lead.  (He also has one of the best websites on the planet.)  At all times, he looks sheepish and sad, with his melancholy suggesting something sinister lurks just below the surface.  Dalle is quite good too, and her performance reminded me a bit of Anne Parillaud in Innocent Blood. 

For a while, it works.  However, it ultimately falls apart due to the lethargic pacing.  I’ll admit, I started to zone out during some of the long takes where nothing happens thanks to the droning soundtrack.  

The more interesting passages deal with the practicality of living with the disease.  It’s decidedly less so when the concentration is on Gallo’s search for a cure as many of the lab-based scenes are the weakest in the film.  Still, stick with it and you’ll be rewarded by a scene where Gallo literally eats a woman out.  Even then, it’s not quite enough to make up for the movie’s more lackluster passages. 

Still, if you ever wanted to see Vincent Gallo shoot his load, this is the movie for you.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: DON’T MESS WITH MY SISTER! (1985) * ½

Usually when I do The 31 Days of Horror-Ween, I pick the movies out ahead of time.  Sometimes, in an effort to cover all genres, I accidentally wind up with a movie that Isn’t Really a Horror Movie.  It looks like a horror movie.  Sounds like a horror movie.  It even comes from people with a pedigree for making horror movies.  However, for whatever reason, it’s anything but.  That’s pretty much the case with the awesomely titled, awfully made Don’t Mess with My Sister!

Steven (Joe Perce) is stuck in a dead-end job working as an accountant in his brothers in-law’s junkyard.  Steven’s wife, Clara (Jeannine Lemay) hires belly dancer Annika (Laura Lanfranchi) for his birthday party.  When she leaves her costume at his house, Steven agrees to return it to her.  He then gives her a ride to her next client, who tries to force himself on Annika.  Steven intervenes on her behalf, accidentally killing the guy in the process.  In the throes of passion, they wind up hooking up, and when Clara learns of Steven’s infidelity, she sends her burly brothers out to teach him a lesson. 

Don’t Mess with My Sister! gives director Meir Zarchi another opportunity to explore his penchant for giving men with oddly shaped faces long, disgusting close-ups.  Unlike his classic I Spit on Your Grave, there’s no real payoff to justify the slow-burn opening.  It gets bogged down right from the get-go with lots of annoying family drama and it never really recovers.  To make matters worse, much of it is just plain boring.  

Badly acted, and crudely put together, it lacks the punch to the gut feeling of I Spit on your Grave.  I don’t know if Zarchi set out to recapture lightning in a bottle, but there’s absolutely no lightning to be found here.  Heck, you’d be hard-pressed to find a bottle.  

I will give him this, he always fills his movies with weird touches that make them memorable.  I mean most filmmakers would’ve just made the Annika character a stripper and called it a day.  Zarchi instead turns her into a belly dancer and gives her lots of long scenes of her fluttering her belly around to Moroccan music.  He also has an undeniable knack for coming up with a great title.

Sadly, to my chagrin, this isn’t really a horror movie.  It’s more of a tale of white trash relationship woes.  At times, it almost feels like a scuzzy version of a Lifetime movie.  There was a kernel of an interesting premise here.  Unfortunately, it just devolves into a lot of scenes of family members shouting, pushing, hitting, and discharging firearms.  You know, typical domestic disturbance stuff.  Hardly the sort of thing you’d expect from the guy who made I Spit on Your Grave. 

AKA:  Family and Honor.  AKA:  American Junkyard.  AKA:  N.Y. Fire Street.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: THE EVIL (1978) **

Richard Crenna and his wife (Joanna Pettet) buy a big-ass mansion that has a checkered past dating all the way back to the Civil War with the intent of turning it into a drug rehab clinic.  She starts seeing ghosts almost immediately during the walk-through, which is certainly something I would’ve brought up to the realtor myself.  Anyway, they gather a crew of friends and colleagues together to spruce the place up.  Of course, Crenna stupidly awakens the malevolent force that lurks in the basement and the newly unleashed sinister specter traps them in the mansion and begins picking off his pals one by one.

Since this is a low budget ‘70s horror movie, of course, Andrew Prine is in it.  If you’re watching a low budget ‘70s horror movie and Andrew Prine is nowhere to be found, you almost feel like you’ve got to send out a search party.  His mere presence in schlock like this is somewhat comforting, even if the film itself is terrible.

The real star is the mansion itself.  Director Gus (The Sidehackers) Trikonis can’t keep the story moving along, but he does manage to offer up a few creepy shots inside the house.  While the place is loaded with dark and dreary atmosphere, it’s also loaded with a lot of dull dialogue scenes.  Because of that, the movie stalls out in between the attack scenes.

There’s a larger cast than usual for this sort of thing, so the body count is higher than you might expect.  We get deaths by fire (the pyrotechnic burn effects aren’t bad and include one burning stunt that occurs in mid-air), electrocution, dog attack, and strangely enough, quicksand.  (You should have a word with the landscaper about that.)  The most memorable moment though is the mishap with a power saw.  

Most of the spirit attacks are repetitive and mainly involve people getting thrown around the room by the unseen evil.  There’s even one sequence that kind of plays like a warm-up to the invisible assault scene in The Entity, although it’s not nearly as graphic (or effective).  Unfortunately, you’re forced to accept a bunch of scenes of wind machines working overtime and blowing in the cast’s faces in lieu of actual scares.  The sounds of the ghost howling uncontrollably during these sequences get a bit grating too. 

Most of this is watchable, but the ending feels like it came out of an entirely different movie.  Victor Buono’s extended cameo is certainly an odd way to wrap things up.  I’m not sure if it was a reshoot or what, but the look and tone of it just doesn’t match anything that came before.  His portrayal will probably remind you of Peter Stormare in Constantine. 

I think my favorite character was the drunk caretaker who happens to be the first victim.  I especially liked how he muttered exposition in between swigs from his flask.  It’s not a great scene or anything, but it was an amusing attempt to dole out necessary plot information in a novel way.  

AKA:  The Evil Below.  AKA:  House of Evil.  AKA:  Cry Demon.