YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE (2018) *** ½

When we first see him, Joe (Joaquin Phoenix) is trying to asphyxiate himself with a plastic bag.  It is unclear if he is attempting to commit suicide or if it is merely an unorthodox coping mechanism to alleviate stress.  Throughout the course of the film, we learn the reason for his behavior.

What we learn about Joe mostly comes in fragmented glimpses.  We see him at his job, which allows him to go after child molesters with a ball-peen hammer, but that’s not really who he is.  Or is it?  That’s one of the more fascinating questions about the movie.

Joe has almost crippling bouts of PTSD.  He sometimes talks when no one is there to listen.  With his unkept beard and hair, his brooding nature suggests he could erupt in a firestorm of violence at any moment (which of course makes him a natural fit for his job).  We also see the tender side of Joe as he cares for his ailing mother.  Even when he encounters the girls he helps to rescue, they seem more equipped at dealing with trauma than he is.  

Directed by Lynne (We Need to Talk About Kevin) Ramsay, You Were Never Really Here sort of plays out like a high rent version of a low rent exploitation item.  (There are also moments here that echo Taxi Driver and Oldboy.)  What makes it stand out from the rest of the pack is that Ramsay is as concerned with Phoenix’s trauma as she is with telling her story.  She doesn’t skimp on the exploitation goods either as pedophiles are bludgeoned, teeth are pulled from their roots, and throats are slashed.  However, this is more about the legacy of violence than the violent acts themselves.  

Ramsay has a stripped down, bare bones approach.  Even when the plot starts to take shape (Phoenix is hired by a Senator to rescue his little girl, played by Ekaterina Samsonov), Ramsay continues with her artistic approach, which winds up being quite rewarding in the end.  For example, little scenes that would’ve been throwaway moments in other movies mean something here.  Even if the film feels like its spinning its wheels, just hang in there because it’s definitely heading somewhere.  

You Were Never Really Here is further proof Phoenix is one of the bravest actors of his generation.  He completely disappears into his character and delivers another electrifying performance. His final moments with Samsonov are powerful and their last dialogue exchange is particularly heart-wrenching.  

AKA:  A Beautiful Day.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THREE EXTREMES 2 (2006) **

Three Extremes 2 was actually made before the original but released in the States afterwards.  It’s another trio of horror tales by three Asian filmmakers, but this time they’re all pretty much forgettable.  While each tale certainly has their moments, it’s a big comedown from the original (or… sequel, depending on how you look at it).

“Memories” (**) by Kim (The Last Stand) Jee-Woon is about a man grieving over the disappearance of his wife.  He is also suffering from a mental dissociative disorder, which might be making the situation worse.  As his wife tries to make her way back home, he sits around the apartment and has bizarre visions.  

Deliberately paced and frustratingly abstract, Memories tests the audience’s patience to little avail.  There are one or two gruesome bits, but that’s not enough to make up for the slower-than-slow slow burn build-up.  Because it’s Kim Jee-Woon, it’s by far the slickest looking tale of the bunch, so it’s got that going for it.  (Even the grainy, Grindhouse-y looking flashbacks look better than the rest of the movie.)    

“The Wheel” (**) from Nonzee Nimibutr is about an old puppeteer who is suffering on his death bed.  He tells everyone his puppets are cursed, but everyone chalks it up to superstition.  After his death, someone steals the puppets and people start dying. 

Killer puppets and demented dolls have been a staple of horror anthologies since Trilogy of Terror.  This one goes for a slightly different feel, which is admirable, but it isn’t very successful.  It also suffers from too much slow motion, murky cinematography, and a weak ending.  Its biggest sin is that it keeps the killer puppet action to the barest minimum, which is hugely disappointing.  

“Going Home”  (**) by Peter Chan finds a single father moving his son into a decaying, nearly-empty apartment complex.  While left home alone, the kid begins to play with a mysterious little girl in a red coat that seems to appear out of nowhere.  When the child goes missing, his father seeks help from a neighbor who just so happens to keep his dead wife preserved in mystical Chinese herbs the bathtub.  He kidnaps the father and ties him up while he prepares to bring his wife back to life.

This might be the best story in the collection, although that’s not saying a whole lot.  The problem is that the set-up with the little boy and girl is a lot more involving than the hostage drama that develops between the two neighbors.  The final twist is decent enough, and even a tad bittersweet, but it doesn’t make up for the lethargic pacing.

Most horror anthologies have a tendency to be wildly uneven.  This is the rare one where every story is basically a washout.  Since there’s nothing here that even approaches the first film’s classic “Dumplings” segment, most anthology horror buffs will probably want to skip this one.

AKA:  Three.

THE NIGHT COMES FOR US (2018) *** ½

Ito (Joe Taslim) is a badass who is part of a team of Triad enforcers known as “The Six Seas”.  He refuses to murder a little girl in cold blood after a beachside raid and they trip to skip town together.  Arian (Iko Uwais), Ito’s best friend, is then called in to take them out to cement his position as Ito’s replacement in The Six Seas.  

Director Timo (Headshot) Tjahjanto plunges headfirst into the realm of ultraviolent Kung Fu nirvana and barely stops to catch his breath.  Along the way, he gives us a number of impressive (and oh so bloody) fight sequences.  Uwais has a great introduction scene in a nightclub.  When a jackass disrespects him, he shoves a wine bottle down the dude’s throat and then mops the floor with his associates.  Taslim gets a badass brawl in a meat locker where he turns several cleaver-wielding goons into briskets as well as a white-knuckle close-quarters battle with some dirty cops inside the back of a SWAT truck.  There’s also an apartment building massacre that showcases nods to not only George Romero, but Martin Scorsese.  The inevitable battle between Taslim and Uwais is a grueling endurance match as the two combatants relentlessly beat each other to bloody pulps.

The Night Comes for Us feels slight in some respects as there’s a barest pretense of a plot.  Once the action starts, the audience is filled in on the fly of the characters’ motivations and plot exposition.  I’m not really complaining, but at two hours, it all becomes a bit numbing after a while.  I’m sure there could’ve been at least a little nip and tuck here and there.  Then again, I wouldn’t have traded some of these action beats for anything.  There are gory moments aplenty, but it’s the smaller touches (like someone casually pulling off their own finger or banging their shin against a steel girder or having an Exact-o blade breaking off in their forearm) that are often the most stomach-churning.

There’s perhaps a bit too much handheld camerawork in the finale, but for the most part, the choreography is stellar.  Tjahjanto fills the film with flashy stylistic touches.  The neon-drenched lighting and heavy synth soundtrack make it feel like a Nicolas Winding Refn movie in some places.  

If you loved Uwais and Taslim in The Raid, you are officially on notice.  Consider this a subpoena.  You are hereby summonsed to see The Night Comes for Us.  Is it as good as The Raid?  Nope, but then again, what could be?

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M4: INVADERS FROM CYBERSPACE (2012) ** ½

I enjoyed Ted V. Mikels’ third Astro-Zombies opus, M3:  Cloned for the most part.  Because of that, I figured I’d close out the series with this final installment in the franchise.  This time, the Astro-Zombies pop out of laptops across the globe and wreak havoc on unsuspecting citizens around the world… and… well… that’s about it as far as the “plot” goes.    

The cut-rate CGI effects include disintegrations, shotgun blasts, and exploding bodies.  The greenscreen effects may be a tad chintzy, but Mikels, unlike most of today’s shot-on-video directors, imbues his films with an endearing charm.  To his credit, Mikels is able to make a no-budget movie with crazy globe-hopping action set pieces.  The Astro-Zombies lay waste to Berlin, Sydney, Tokyo and countless other international cities with their deadly eyeball laser blasts.  You won’t see this kind of carnage in your typical Troma flick, that’s for sure.

M4:  Invaders from Cyberspace lacks the kitchen sink approach of Part 3.  I also missed the little callbacks to Mikels’ previous films.  On the other hand, Invaders from Cyberspace is shorter and faster paced, which is much appreciated.  I will say that some of the attack sequences get repetitive, but there are enough cool moments here for me to give it a halfhearted recommendation.  (The amusement park massacre is particularly well done.) 

In the end, humans learn mirrors are the only thing that can deflect the laser eye beams and kill the Astro-Zombies.  Which begs the question:  Why couldn’t the Astro-Zombies just grab machetes and kill people like they did in the last movie once they realize their eye beams are useless?  One thing I have learned in all my years watching Ted V. Mikels movies is that you can’t ask questions during Ted V. Mikels movies.

One thing you can expect in a Ted V. Mikels movie is lots of padding and a shit ton of useless supporting characters.  Seriously, did we really need to see the old guy put on his scuba gear in real time?  Oops.  There I go asking questions again.

WICKED WAYS (1999) *

Michael Rooker is married to the emotionally unstable Rebecca De Mornay.  The only reason he puts up with her crazy antics is because the sex is apparently great.  While he’s away at work, she’s left to her own devices sitting on the couch watching soap operas and going around the house setting booby traps like Macauley Culkin in Home Alone.  Little does she know, he’s living a double life with another wife (Lisa Zane) and a gaggle of kids in another town.  Frustrated and bored, De Mornay begins flirting with her new neighbor (Mark Rolston), which begins giving Rooker an exit strategy from his double life.

Wicked Ways plays like a mash-up of a Lifetime Movie, ‘50s melodrama, and ‘90s neo-noir.  I’m not sure what writer/director Ron Senkowski was trying to say here.  Is he saying domestic life is a prison?  Whatever points he makes are often muddled.  The drama is equally murky as none of the characters are remotely likeable and their problems are more annoying than involving.  His overuse of slow motion is confounding to say the least and only makes things all the more irritating.  The twists and turns the film takes in the third act are predicable too.  The inflated running time (nearly two hours) doesn’t do the movie any favors eithers and the already thin plot spins its wheels throughout.

De Mornay certainly tries.  Her character runs the gamut of conniving sexpot to infantile psycho.  She goes from building forts with furniture and sleeping in a crib to doing provocative dances and dressing up like a dominatrix.  The problem is, we never feel much sympathy for her.  We also never know what Rooker’s character gets out of living his double life.  Poor Rooker gives a thankless performance that is often overshadowed by De Mornay’s wild-eyed histrionics.  Even he can’t save this overlong, convoluted mess.

AKA:  A Table for One.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M3: CLONED (2010) ** ½

Ted V. Mikels’ Astro-Zombies is a film that plays better in your mind than it does on screen.  It contains moments of sheer nuttiness that will stay with you to your dying day.  However, actually sitting and watching those scenes in their proper context can be a demanding chore.  Conversely, Mikels’ sequel, Mark of the Astro Zombies is a movie I remember really enjoying when I saw it years ago, but I’ll be damned if I can remember anything about it now.  Lucky for me, Mikels gives us a quick recap of the first two pictures before the opening credits of Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned. 

A general (Mikels) demands the “Astro-Man Project” be reinstated.  He wants to use their DNA to clone soldiers for the military.  Their top scientist (Donna Hamblin) works hard to meet her impossible deadline, but when her superiors sabotage the experiment, the desert is soon crawling with machete-wielding Astro-Zombies.

Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned looks like your typical newfangled shot-on-video production with its cheap sets (the Area 51 briefing room has a whiteboard with “Area 51” written on it in black marker), bad acting. and obvious gore effects.  Since Mikels has been making movies for nearly fifty years, it comes off looking more polished than a film by your average Joe with a camcorder.  Some of the amateurish acting is amusing, but there are times where it’s rough going, especially during some of the domestic scenes.   Like the original, the long dialogue scenes bogs things down and get in the way of the fun.  (There are a lot of military briefings.)

What makes Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned (I’m not sure why it’s called “M3” and not just “3”, but oh well) awesome is that Mikels is creating his own Marvel Cinematic Universe here.  Call it, the Mikels Cinematic Universe.  When a woman feeds her cat, it’s not just any old generic cat food.  It’s Lotus Cat food from The Corpse Grinders!  Not only that, but when the Astro-Zombies get unruly, the government calls on none other than Francine York and The Doll Squad!  (There’s also a scene where the Astro-Zombies attack a movie theater playing Mikels’ 10 Violent Women.)

The performances are all over the place, but there are a few noteworthy names here.  I already mentioned Mikels acts in this, but did you know he plays a dual role as identical twins?  I have to admit, it’s pretty funny seeing him flub lines he wrote for himself.  It was also good to see Tura Satana briefly (in her final film appearance).  I just wish it wasn’t in the form of a hologram.  (At least they did the whole hologram thing for Tura before they used it for Tupac.)  The best performance of the movie comes courtesy of Sara Dunn, who plays the buxom, sexy Queen Amazon.  Unfortunately, she spends most of her screen time tied up.

There was no reason this needed to be 103 minutes long.  Even at 83 minutes it would’ve been a little flabby.  The second act is dull and talky.  I’m sure Mikels could’ve cut a good half-hour out and no one would’ve noticed.  However, once the Astro-Zombies start laying into people with machetes it’s damned good times.  The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad finale is also a lot of fun. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why Mikels just didn’t go ahead and call it The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad to begin with. 

It’s a shame Mikels recently passed away.  Now that the Mikels Cinematic Universe is a thing, I would’ve loved seeing more crossover pictures featuring characters from his earlier films.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see The Girl in Gold Boots vs. The Corpse Grinders?

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CHANGER (1993) ** ½

(Halloween may be over, but I'm going to keep the horror reviews coming at a semi-regular pace throughout November with a little column called Halloween Hangover.  Enjoy!) 

Joe (Carl Zschering) is a nose-picking, dogfood-eating loser who gets frustrated when young high school girls won’t give him the time of day.  One day, he meets a homeless wino (Horace Grimm) who gives him a mystical incantation to change himself into a young girl in exchange for a sip of booze.  Once he’s transformed, Joe enrolls himself in a nearby high school and sets out to stalk and kill a clique of teenage girls.

Like Memoirs of an Invisible Man, we mostly see Joe as his “normal” self, and (for a while anyway) it’s quite funny seeing this aging perv hanging out with goodie two-shoes high school girls and trying to blend in.  Other times, we see the girl he’s become, “Jo” (Ann Flood) when he looks at himself in mirrors or for a handful of random shots.  These scenes are better than most body-swapping comedies of the ‘80s.  (The montage of Joe trying to fit in at school set to the toe-tapping tune “Schoolin’” is rather hilarious.)

Unfortunately, The Changer isn’t nearly as successful when it turns into a full-on horror movie.  It’s here where Joe uses his good looks to lure, rape, kill, and partially eat his victims.  Near the end, he also begins to see visions of his victims who appear to him and say shit like, “Was it good for you?”

Despite being a tad clunky in the second half, the twist ending is decent enough.  The short running time (76 minutes) certainly keeps things moving along at a steady clip, and the pacing is fairly brisk.  Overall, The Changer may be an uneven experience, but there’s an endearing goofiness to the whole enterprise that makes it memorable.

AKA:  The Nostril Picker.