Ted
V. Mikels’ Astro-Zombies is a film that plays better in your mind than it does on
screen. It contains moments of sheer
nuttiness that will stay with you to your dying day. However, actually sitting and watching those
scenes in their proper context can be a demanding chore. Conversely, Mikels’ sequel, Mark of the Astro
Zombies is a movie I remember really enjoying when I saw it years ago, but I’ll
be damned if I can remember anything about it now. Lucky for me, Mikels gives us a quick recap of
the first two pictures before the opening credits of Astro-Zombies: M3:
Cloned.
A general (Mikels) demands the “Astro-Man Project” be reinstated. He wants to use their DNA to clone soldiers for the military. Their top scientist (Donna Hamblin) works hard to meet her impossible deadline, but when her superiors sabotage the experiment, the desert is soon crawling with machete-wielding Astro-Zombies.
Astro-Zombies: M3:
Cloned looks like your typical newfangled shot-on-video production with
its cheap sets (the Area 51 briefing room has a whiteboard with “Area 51”
written on it in black marker), bad acting. and obvious gore effects. Since Mikels has been making movies for nearly
fifty years, it comes off looking more polished than a film by your average Joe
with a camcorder. Some of the amateurish
acting is amusing, but there are times where it’s rough going, especially
during some of the domestic scenes.
Like the original, the long dialogue scenes bogs things down and get in
the way of the fun. (There are a lot of
military briefings.)
What
makes Astro-Zombies: M3: Cloned (I’m not sure why it’s called “M3” and
not just “3”, but oh well) awesome is that Mikels is creating his own Marvel
Cinematic Universe here. Call it, the Mikels
Cinematic Universe. When a woman feeds
her cat, it’s not just any old generic cat food. It’s Lotus Cat food from The Corpse Grinders! Not only that, but when the Astro-Zombies get
unruly, the government calls on none other than Francine York and The Doll
Squad! (There’s also a scene where the Astro-Zombies
attack a movie theater playing Mikels’ 10 Violent Women.)
The
performances are all over the place, but there are a few noteworthy names here. I already mentioned Mikels acts in this, but
did you know he plays a dual role as identical twins? I have to admit, it’s pretty funny seeing him
flub lines he wrote for himself. It was
also good to see Tura Satana briefly (in her final film appearance). I just wish it wasn’t in the form of a
hologram. (At least they did the whole
hologram thing for Tura before they used it for Tupac.) The best performance of the movie comes
courtesy of Sara Dunn, who plays the buxom, sexy Queen Amazon. Unfortunately, she spends most of her screen
time tied up.
There
was no reason this needed to be 103 minutes long. Even at 83 minutes it would’ve been a little
flabby. The second act is dull and
talky. I’m sure Mikels could’ve cut a
good half-hour out and no one would’ve noticed.
However, once the Astro-Zombies start laying into people with machetes
it’s damned good times. The Astro-Zombies
vs. The Doll Squad finale is also a lot of fun. Now that I think about it, I’m
not sure why Mikels just didn’t go ahead and call it The Astro-Zombies
vs. The Doll Squad to begin with.
It’s
a shame Mikels recently passed away. Now
that the Mikels Cinematic Universe is a thing, I would’ve loved seeing more
crossover pictures featuring characters from his earlier films. I mean who wouldn’t want to see The Girl in
Gold Boots vs. The Corpse Grinders?
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