Thursday, November 1, 2018

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M3: CLONED (2010) ** ½


Ted V. Mikels’ Astro-Zombies is a film that plays better in your mind than it does on screen.  It contains moments of sheer nuttiness that will stay with you to your dying day.  However, actually sitting and watching those scenes in their proper context can be a demanding chore.  Conversely, Mikels’ sequel, Mark of the Astro Zombies is a movie I remember really enjoying when I saw it years ago, but I’ll be damned if I can remember anything about it now.  Lucky for me, Mikels gives us a quick recap of the first two pictures before the opening credits of Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned. 

A general (Mikels) demands the “Astro-Man Project” be reinstated.  He wants to use their DNA to clone soldiers for the military.  Their top scientist (Donna Hamblin) works hard to meet her impossible deadline, but when her superiors sabotage the experiment, the desert is soon crawling with machete-wielding Astro-Zombies.

Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned looks like your typical newfangled shot-on-video production with its cheap sets (the Area 51 briefing room has a whiteboard with “Area 51” written on it in black marker), bad acting. and obvious gore effects.  Since Mikels has been making movies for nearly fifty years, it comes off looking more polished than a film by your average Joe with a camcorder.  Some of the amateurish acting is amusing, but there are times where it’s rough going, especially during some of the domestic scenes.   Like the original, the long dialogue scenes bogs things down and get in the way of the fun.  (There are a lot of military briefings.)

What makes Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned (I’m not sure why it’s called “M3” and not just “3”, but oh well) awesome is that Mikels is creating his own Marvel Cinematic Universe here.  Call it, the Mikels Cinematic Universe.  When a woman feeds her cat, it’s not just any old generic cat food.  It’s Lotus Cat food from The Corpse Grinders!  Not only that, but when the Astro-Zombies get unruly, the government calls on none other than Francine York and The Doll Squad!  (There’s also a scene where the Astro-Zombies attack a movie theater playing Mikels’ 10 Violent Women.)

The performances are all over the place, but there are a few noteworthy names here.  I already mentioned Mikels acts in this, but did you know he plays a dual role as identical twins?  I have to admit, it’s pretty funny seeing him flub lines he wrote for himself.  It was also good to see Tura Satana briefly (in her final film appearance).  I just wish it wasn’t in the form of a hologram.  (At least they did the whole hologram thing for Tura before they used it for Tupac.)  The best performance of the movie comes courtesy of Sara Dunn, who plays the buxom, sexy Queen Amazon.  Unfortunately, she spends most of her screen time tied up.

There was no reason this needed to be 103 minutes long.  Even at 83 minutes it would’ve been a little flabby.  The second act is dull and talky.  I’m sure Mikels could’ve cut a good half-hour out and no one would’ve noticed.  However, once the Astro-Zombies start laying into people with machetes it’s damned good times.  The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad finale is also a lot of fun. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why Mikels just didn’t go ahead and call it The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad to begin with. 

It’s a shame Mikels recently passed away.  Now that the Mikels Cinematic Universe is a thing, I would’ve loved seeing more crossover pictures featuring characters from his earlier films.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see The Girl in Gold Boots vs. The Corpse Grinders?

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