IMPULSE (1974) ***

William Grefe, the man who made Sting of Death, the greatest Jellyfish Man movie of all time, directed William Shatner in a horror movie?  How am I just now learning about this?  As fun as a lot of Grefe’s down and dirty filmography is, this one just rocketed up to the number one spot as my favorite. 

The opening is legitimately off-putting and creepy.  A young boy catches his promiscuous mother making whoopee with a randy soldier (played by none other than William Kerwin from Blood Feast).  When he grabs the kid and tries to force him on his own mother, the boy grabs a samurai sword (!) and runs it into the john’s abdomen.   

That boy grows up to become William Shatner!  He is a modern-day Bluebeard who marries and kills for money.  When his latest girlfriend catches him with another woman, Shatner snaps and strangles her.  He then sets out to put the moves on his latest victim.  Her precocious daughter immediately knows he’s a loon and naturally, no one believes her.   

Shatner overacts to the hilt.  If you thought he was hammy on Star Trek, wait till you see him here.  He’s an out and out suckling pig in this one.  My favorite scene comes when he picks the daughter up hitchhiking and runs over a dog with her in the car.  The way he hysterically reassures her, “It’s okay, they lick their wounds” is downright amazing.  Seeing him regressing to a childlike state and blubbering, psychotically is a real treat too.   

Parts of Impulse are kind of slow and/or resemble a Made for TV movie, but it has a real nasty streak at times and a handful of memorable set pieces.  (It would make a great double feature with Scream for Help.)  There’s a great murder sequence set inside a car wash, an amusing scene in a funeral home, and the ending is a lot of fun too. 

It may not be perfect, but where else are you going to see Captain Kirk being intimidated by Odd Job from Goldfinger?

NEXT OF KIN (1982) **

Linda (Jacki Kerin) receives word her mother has died.  She inherits the old gal’s nursing home and decides to take it over.  Before long, the ancient residents start kicking the bucket.  Is it just old age, or is something more sinister going on? 

Well, you have to wait a LONG time to find out.   

Next of Kin (which should not be confused with the far superior Patrick Swayze action flick from 1989) is one of those slow burn kinds of horror movies.  While it isn’t very successful, at least director Tony Williams provides some rather dazzling camerawork during the slow stretches (of which there are many) to make the events seem more interesting than they actually are.   

Williams also cribs from everything from Diabolique to The Changeling to Don’t Look Now to ‘Salem’s Lot.  These little visual cues are fun for film snobs.  However, when they are pieced together, it doesn’t amount to a whole heck of a lot.   

Slow burns are a tricky thing.  If the finale comes off like gangbusters, all is forgiven.  On the other hand, if you don’t stick the landing, the audience will be asking for a refund.  This one kind of falls somewhere in between.  The climax isn’t bad.  In fact, there are parts of it that really work.  Ultimately, it just isn’t enough of a payoff to justify the slower-than-slow set-up. 

Part of the problem is the setting.  I mean a nursing home just isn’t an ideal location for a horror movie.  Why have a bunch of old geezers running around when you could’ve had this take place at a summer camp for nubile horny camp counselors?  I appreciate that Williams was trying to think outside of the box and all, but there’s a reason why the typical horror formula works best with sexed-up teens instead of crusty codgers.   

Kerin does a good job as the waifish heroine.  She kind of has a Nastassja Kinski quality about her that’s appealing.  John (Wolf Creek) Jarratt lends fine support as her boyfriend, even though it’s a mostly thankless role.  Neither performer is quite able to salvage the film though.  

AKA:  Hell House.

BACKSTREET JUSTICE (1994) ** ½

Linda (Crocodile Dundee) Kozlowski stars as a tough private investigator who is hired by the residents of a Pittsburgh slum to catch a serial killer.  She eventually discovers it is the work of dirty cops who are in cahoots with a shady land developer who is trying to devalue the property so he can buy it up at bargain prices.  The cops behind the plot just might also be the ones who disgraced her father’s good name years ago, which gives Linda an added incentive to bring the bad guys down.   

Kozlowski makes for a solid lead.  If you only know her from the Crocodile Dundee movies, you might think she’s been miscast as a karate-kicking vigilante, but she equips herself just as well as can be expected.  The supporting cast is a lot stronger than it needs to be, which helps keep you invested, even when the film starts to spin its wheels.  Hector Elizondo does a fine job as Kozlowski’s mentor, Paul Sorvino chews a lot of scenery as the stereotypical Yelling Captain, and John Shea is a sturdy enough romantic lead for this kind of thing.   

Backstreet Justice makes for a serviceable, if maybe a bit forgettable way to kill ninety minutes.  It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but it gets the job done for the most part.  Although things tend to get a tad plot-heavy at times (especially in the second act), Kozlowski’s feisty performance ensures you won’t be bored.  

Overall, this is slightly better than your average lady avenger flick.  Sure, it could’ve used a bit more action, a little less exposition, and a heavier concentration of exploitation elements to really put it over the top.  (Kozlowski does get a pretty good nude scene though.)  However, undiscriminating fans of ‘90s vigilante actioners should be moderately entertained by Kozlowski’s crimefighting shenanigans. 

AKA:  Dead Wrong.  

THE BIKINI BANDITS EXPERIENCE (2002) ½ *

The Bikini Bandits die in a car crash and go to Hell.  The Devil (Maynard from Tool) passes judgment on them and sentences the bikini-clad burglars to go back in time to deflower the Virgin Mary.  They then escape back to their own time and hide out in Amish country.  When an Amish woman’s son is kidnapped, it’s up to the Bikini Bandits (along with Corey Feldman and his army of Ninjas) to rescue him.    

The Bikini Bandits Experience is an inane mishmash of rock video vignettes, fake commercials (mostly products from “G-Mart”), faux movie trailers (like The Adventures of Dirty Sanchez), and stupid man on the street interviews.  There are also weird animated segments (that look inspired by Dr. Katz) featuring the filmmakers where they express their doubts that the project will ever make sense.  Trust me, it doesn’t.  This is without a doubt one of the worst pieces of shit I have ever seen. 

The perplexing cameos alone are enough to keep it from receiving a No Star review.  None of the famous folks involved are particularly good or utilized very well though.  I mean you’d expect more from a movie that features Maynard as Satan, Corey Feldman as an angel, and Jello Biafra as a porn director.  Or maybe not.  Then again, it’s the only flick I know of that features Dee Dee Ramone as the Pope, so it has that going for it.  As a fan of most of the name stars involved, it’s still pretty embarrassing in just about every regard.  (Feldman even expresses his regrets for accepting his role over the end credits.) 

The big problem is the ADD editing.  It’s all over the place.  It’s almost as if the movie was assembled by putting random scenes into an UNO Attack game and then spat out into the editing bay.  The upside is that it doesn’t stay on one subject for too long.  That’s good because the humor isn’t funny either.  It’s mostly tasteless, but it’s more annoying than anything.  It’s less than an hour long, so at least it’s short.  (Although it’s not nearly short enough if you ask me.)  

AKA:  Bikini Bandits.  AKA:  Bikini Bandits Go to Hell.

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (2017) *

The problem with slow burn horror movies is that there’s a very slim number of filmmakers who can pull it off.  When someone who isn’t a Polanski or an Aronofsky tries their hand at the genre, they usually fail to put their audience on the edge of their seat, and as a result, put them on the verge of a nap.  Here’s a tip for fledgling slow burn horror filmmakers:  If you’re planning on making a slow burn horror movie, MAKE IT OUT OF FLAMMABLE MATERIAL.  Without the burn, it’s just slow. 

Such is the case with Oz Perkins’ The Blackcoat’s Daughter.  The telltale sign Oz was going for a slow burn is the fact that the movie is told in nonlinear fashion.  Nonlinear plots are the slow burn horror filmmaker’s ace in the hole, mostly because if they told their film in a linear fashion, no one would give a festering rat’s ass about what was going on. 

The plot, such as it is, follows a pair of girls who are left unattended at their boarding school over winter break.  The rebellious Rose (Lucy Boynton from Bohemian Rhapsody) is supposed to be looking after the mousy freshman Kat (Kiernan Shipka), but instead, she sneaks out to break the bad news to her boyfriend that she’s pregnant.  Another plotline follows an escaped mental patient (Emma Roberts) who hitches a ride with a friendly couple (James Remar and Lauren Holly) who may or may not be the parents of one of the girls. 

The constant back and forth between the two plots gets tedious after a while.  The sad thing is, nothing very interesting is happening in either scenario, which really makes it a chore to get through.  What’s incredible is that Perkins manages to waste a rather stacked cast.  Remar gives probably his worst performance, as he is sorely miscast as the meek Good Samaritan.  Holly is given virtually nothing to do, and Boynton, Roberts, and Shipka are asked to essay paper thin characters. 

The Blackcoat’s Daughter takes a long time getting to where it’s going, and believe me, it isn’t worth the trip.  The body count is slim and the murders are mostly generic stabbings.  One decent puking scene aside, it all seems criminally underwhelming after such a long, dull build-up. 

Perkins went on to do another crappy slow burn flick, Gretel and Hansel.  At least that film had a folksy atmosphere to it.  This one could’ve possibly gone straight to the Lifetime Channel with very few edits. 

AKA:  February.  AKA:  The Daughter of Evil.

BULLET HEAD (2018) ****

Tarantino rip-offs used to be all the rage in the mid-to-late ‘90s, but they are getting fewer and fewer as time goes on.  Here’s a nifty little variation on the tropes that QT made famous while offering a few new twists of its own.  With Bullet Head, writer/director Paul (Grace) Solet has crafted a fun crime/horror hybrid that almost plays like Reservoir Dogs Meets Cujo.   

A trio of thieves (John Malkovich, Adrien Brody, and Rory Culkin) on the lam from Johnny Law lay low in a seemingly abandoned warehouse waiting for the heat to cool off.  While they bide their time, they make small talk and share stories of previous robberies gone wrong.  Little do they know they are not alone.  Roaming the grounds is a virtually indestructible killer dog who is dead set on turning the thieves into a steaming bowl of human kibble. 

Usually in a movie like this when the plot starts making unnecessary detours via flashback, it just feels like an attempt to pad out the running time.  In Bullet Head, it’s more congruous with the plot, and helps to inform the audience on the characters’ backstories.  (I particularly liked Malkovich’s ill-fated goldfish heist story.)  Speaking of flashbacks, even the killer mutt gets flashbacks!  Usually, whenever a dog has flashbacks in a movie, it’s a big old red flag (anyone who’s ever seen The Hills Have Eyes 2 or Top Dog can attest to that), but they are quite well done here, as Solet manages to make you feel a little sorry for the mangy mongrel.    

The premise is simple.  The set-up is efficient.  The pacing is crackling.  The tension is high.  It would make a good double feature with Crawl.  That flick was a When Animals Attack movie melded with a disaster picture and this one is a When Animals Attack movie mixed with a heist thriller.  The final act where Brody squares off against not only the killer dog, but his despicable handler (Antonio Banderas, who is excellent) is some real white knuckle shit.   

I will say that while this thriller is top notch, it will certainly put you through the wringer.  If you are in any way squeamish when it comes to dramatized animal cruelty, stay far away from it.  However, if you enjoy a down and dirty action horror movie, this one not only has thrills and chills (there is at least one effective jump scare), but personality too.  And remember what Jules said in Pulp Fiction… personality goes a long way.

GENERAL COMMANDER (2019) **

General Commander apparently started life as a TV show.  It never got picked up and the episodes were then condensed into a feature length movie (which explains why it is credited to two different directors).  I assume it was to be a slight variation on Steven Seagal’s other program, True Justice as he once again is in charge of a team of law enforcement agents.  Basically, all he does is sit around barking orders while they do all the leg work, before he finally shows up for the fight scene finale.  The big difference here is that instead of working on the Seattle P.D., Seagal and his team are with the C.I.A.  True Justice yielded a handful of not-bad patched-together movies.  All I can say for this one is I’m glad the makers of General Commander only milked this show for one feature. 

Seagal and his team are on the trail of some black market organ harvesters in Cambodia.  When one of their own is killed during a sting operation, Seagal and his crew naturally want to go out for revenge.  The agency forbids any retaliation and orders the team to be disbanded.  They then defy their superiors and reassemble to get payback for their fallen friend. 

I feared the worst when I put this on, but it’s semi-competently put together.  It’s not nearly as bad as some of Seagal’s latter-day efforts, although it’s hardly noteworthy, that’s for sure.  If they were going to slap two episodes of a TV show together, I just wish they had picked ones that had more action in them.  Things particularly bog down in the second act where the team members go off and mourn the death of their dead pal.  The action we do get is far from Seagal’s worst, but there’s just not enough of it to make it worthwhile.  

The climax might’ve worked for an hour-long TV show, but it’s a little underwhelming for an action flick.  The final knife fight is over much too quickly and suffers from some poor editing.  That said, the first episode (err... half) moves at a fairly brisk pace.  Overall, it's mostly innocuous, if a tad forgettable.