REACH ME (2014) *

Writer/director John Herzfeld’s 2 Days in the Valley was one of the best of the Tarantino knockoffs of the ‘90s.  Herzfeld’s Reach Me sometimes plays like a companion piece to that film as it features an assorted bunch of underworld thugs clashing with a gaggle of oddballs while Danny Aiello bitches about a dog.  The multi-character narrative is actually closer to something like Magnolia, except it sucks.  In fact, this might be Herzfeld’s worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also directed Two of a Kind. 

The plot is a slipshod of vignettes that revolve around a self-help book written by mysterious anonymous author.  Sylvester Stallone plays an editor who sends a naïve journalist to find the author.  I know Stallone and Herzfeld are friends and all (Herzfeld had a bit part in Cobra and directed the behind-the-scenes documentary for The Expendables), but Sly should stop doing Herzfeld favors.  This might be Sly’s worst performance and his worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also starred in Party at Kitty and Stud's. 

Sly can’t do much with his indifferently written character.  There’s one odd scene where he tries to give the journalist a pep talk, but it winds up sounding like a speech from out of a Rambo movie.  We also get a perplexing scene where he gives the journalist a severe dressing-down while painting.  You see, because it’s supposed to be funny that a tough guy like Sly would be talking about colors and textures and mood. 

Most of the all-star cast don’t fare much better.  Tom Sizemore just kind of Tom Sizemores around as a loudmouth gangster.  (The jury is still out on whether or not his is his worst movie though.)  Tom Berenger is thoroughly wasted as the reclusive author and Cary Elwes isn’t given enough screen time to make his jerk character click.   

The only actors who flirt with rising above the material are Kyra Sedgwick as a jailbird who wants to be a fashion designer and Thomas Jane as a cop who guns down people Wild West style.  Jane’s scenes could’ve been fleshed out and made for a decent DTV action flick.  I especially liked the scenes where he confesses his crimes to a priest (Aiello) and asks forgiveness.  However, since his character is shoehorned in with the rest of the bunch, his arc is rushed and is resolved unsatisfyingly.  One thing you can say for Jane:  At least this isn’t his worst movie.  (That would be The Mutant Chronicles.)   

AKA:  Bad Luck.  AKA:  Out of Sight.  AKA:  Collection.