DRINKING BUDDIES (2013) ***

Drinking Buddies is a mostly improvised micro-budgeted comedy-drama set in the microbrewing industry.  Because of the setting, I feared director Joe Swanberg was going to populate the film with a bunch of bearded hipsters going on and on about hops.  Really though, it could’ve taken place anywhere as the characters are all three-dimensional, flawed, and likeable.

Olivia Wilde does publicity for a small independent brewery.  She and her boyfriend (Ron Livingston) go for a camping weekend with her co-worker (Jake Johnson) and his girlfriend (Anna Kendrick) and it becomes obvious that they are clearly more into each other’s mates than their own.  When Wilde and Johnson are left to their own devices for a week, he tests the waters to see if she’s interested in taking things to the next level.

Drinking Buddies is full of finely drawn performances and the natural dialogue rings true quite often.  It asks a lot of intriguing questions too.  Like, if someone is a better match for you than your mate, should you take a chance with them?  Should you risk screwing up a work relationship by getting romantic with them?  I think it’s easy to get crushes on a co-worker.  After all, you spend eight hours a day with them and get to know them rather well in a short span of time.  Drinking Buddies sort of acts as a cautionary tale of acting on those impulses.

Swanberg is mostly on my radar because of his great performance as the asshole in You’re Next.  That film's director, Ti West returns the favor here playing an unlikeable douchebag.  I’ve only seen a few of the movies Swanberg’s directed, but this is by far my favorite.  It’s small in scope, and a little on the slight side.  However, because it’s full of fine actors and actresses playing characters we ultimately like and care about, it totally wins you over, and even manages to sneak up on you emotionally as it nears its conclusion.

DEATH WATCH (1982) ½ *

Romy Schneider stars as a woman slowly dying from a mysterious illness.  Harvey Keitel is a cameraman who gets a camera implanted in his eye and accepts the job of watching her die.  The footage is then broadcast to the masses and is a rating bonanza.

Which begs the question:  Would watching people slowly wasting away be considered must-see TV?  I mean what do the networks do for sweeps week?  Show footage of people sitting in the waiting room at the dentist?

With Death Watch, director Bertrand Tavernier anticipated the advent of reality TV.  That’s about the only thing he got right.  This is one tedious, slow moving, and heavy-handed movie.  He takes a semi-fantastic premise and does fuck-all with it.  While the set-up is admittedly intriguing, Tavernier’s lethargic pacing, coupled with a narrative curiously lacking in urgency is a recipe for one long, boring slog of a film.  

There’s a plot turn late in the game that involves Keitel going blind, which makes him unable to broadcast Schneider’s death.  The movie’s so bad that you almost wish YOU went blind shortly after the opening credits.  The other twist that occurs early in the third act is also predictable.  If it ended right then and there, it might’ve skated by with a One Star rating.  However, it keeps plugging along needlessly for another half-hour or so, adding to an already restless experience. 

Keitel is sorely miscast as the cameraman.  There’s one scene where he Keitels out while looking for a flashlight, but for the most part he barely registers.  There’s also zero chemistry between he and Schneider, which doesn’t help.  Her character grates on your nerves almost instantly and she does little to gain your sympathy. 

It’s hard to tell how all this played before reality TV was a thing.  One thing is for sure:  I’d rather watch that Kardashian crap or Survivor than ever see this again. The only bright spot is Harry Dean Stanton as an unscrupulous TV exec, but even his talents are frustratingly wasted in this dull, exasperating mess. 

AKA:  Death in Full View.

ESCAPE PLAN 2: HADES (2018) **

Escape Plan was a severely underrated latter-day Sylvester Stallone vehicle that not only gave us a proper Schwarzenegger and Stallone team-up but featured some of the duo’s best acting in years.  Because of that, I was excited when this sequel was announced.  Even though it went DTV without the benefit of Arnold, it does boast the participation of Dave Bautista.  Unfortunately, this Escape Plan is an undercooked and limp follow-up.  

Sly once again stars as “security expert” Ray Breslin.  When his team tries to extract a hostage, the plan goes south, and she winds up dead.  (“You trusted a computer more than your team and someone died!”)  Ray’s team member, Shu (Huang Xiaoming) becomes disillusioned after the incident and walks away from the business.  One year later, he gets arrested and is sent to a top-secret state of the art prison in which prisoners get into kickboxing matches in exchange for virtual reality seclusion.  It’s then up to Ray and the rest of his team to bust him out.

Even though Sly is given a reduced amount of screen time, he still equips himself nicely.  He doesn’t phone it in and his performance is easily the best thing about the movie.  For a good chunk of the running time, he appears as the voice inside Xiaoming’s head as he recalls Sly’s teachings in order to escape.  It’s a good way to make his presence felt, even if his screen time is scattershot.  

Bautista gets even less screen time, sadly.  He only shows up about every twenty minutes or so, which will definitely leave many fans wanting more.  He does get a good moment where he intimidates someone not with his muscles, but by quickly solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Unfortunately, these little moments of invention are fleeting.

Stallone and Bautista were also together in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 but didn’t have any screen time together.  Escape Plan 2 fixes that glaring error somewhat, even if the finished product is a misfire.  They do have a decent amount of chemistry together, enough to make you wish their next pairing will be in something a bit more reputable.  

50 Cent returns from the first film as Sly’s right-hand man, even if he isn’t particularly utilized all that well.  Jaimie King (who was also in director Steven C. Miller’s Silent Night) is similarly given little to do as another of Sly’s team members.  Titus Welliver is also wasted in the thinly written role of the warden.

As a fan of some of director Steven C. Miller’s DTV output, I had high hopes for this one.  There are a few weird moments here, like the robot nurses and the trio of bald, albino computer hackers, but not nearly enough to squeeze this one into the win column.  The action is also mediocre, and Stallone’s few fights and/or shootouts are underwhelming and forgettable.  It also doesn’t help that the CGI squibs, explosions, and muzzle flashes are incredibly cheap looking.

Also, it takes a good hour before Sly even gets sent to prison.  After that, he pretty much immediately figures out how to escape, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for suspense.  The gratuitous set-up for a sequel (which was filmed back to back with this) doesn’t hold a lot of promise either.

THE BOUNTY HUNTER (1989) ** ½

The Exterminator himself, Robert Ginty co-wrote, directed, and stars as the title character.  He moseys into a small town looking for a bounty and winds up butting heads with the sheriff (Bo Hopkins).  Naturally, the sheriff runs the town with an iron fist and is trying to push the Native American population out in order to get a big oil company to set up camp there.  Little does he know Ginty has an ulterior motive for being there:  Getting revenge for his fallen Nam vet Native American buddy.  I don’t think I’m spoiling anything when I tell you Hopkins was the man responsible for his death.  

Is The Bounty Hunter a good movie?  Not exactly.  It did however, give Robert Ginty a chance to direct and write and star in his own vehicle.  I mean no one was beating down his door for an Exterminator 3, so he might as well hone his chops behind the scenes.  (Although this was released in some countries as Exterminator 3, but never mind.)

There are no surprises here whatsoever, but it is fun seeing Ginty matching wits with Hopkins.  Since they are two of my all-time favorite B movie vets, I got a moderate amount of amusement from it.  Ginty commands the screen with his marble-mouthed charisma and sleepy-eyed screen presence.  I know this is Hopkins’ umpteenth turn as a seemingly simpleminded but sinister sheriff.  However, he finds new ways to keep his familiar-seeming character feel fresh.  (He has a good monologue about his family losing their home in the Depression, as well as a memorable bit where he sings “Camp Town Races” while beating up a suspect.)

The Bounty Hunter is decent enough for the most part.  Sure, it runs out of steam towards the end, but it’s watchable more often than not.  Since I’m a fan of both leads, I probably gave it an extra Half Star than necessary.  Your mileage may vary.

AKA:  Exterminator 3.

BLOWBACK (2000) **

Mario Van Peebles is a cop who puts away a serial killer (James Remar) who likes to crucify women upside with a nail gun.  Remar is executed but is revived in a mad scientist lab ran by the CIA, who turn him into a brainwashed assassin.  The strong-willed killer rejects their mind-control conditioning and goes after the jury who convicted him.  He murders them one by one, leaving their bodies posed in the ways inspired by martyred saints with Bible verses shoved in their mouths.  It’s then up to Van Peebles to take him down.

When Blowback was released, the DTV market was still riding high on the wave of serial killer thrillers inspired by Seven.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  The opening scenes are appropriately bonkers, which had me hoping that this was going to be some sort of minor cult classic.  Unfortunately, it becomes frustratingly more conventional (not to mention boring) as it goes along.  Director Mark L. (Showdown in Little Tokyo) Lester’s handling of the WTF first act is inspired.  However, the rest of the film is strictly by the numbers.     

The participation of Remar and Van Peebles helps keep your interest, even while the film begins circling the drain.  Remar in particular looks like he’s having a blast playing the sleazy serial killer.  He chews the scenery admirably while going into his crazy character’s religious diatribes.  Van Peebles carries the movie as far as it will go with his considerable charisma.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he says, “He’s one taco short of a combo platter!” and even gets to make a funny New Jack City in-joke.

AKA:  Crossing.

PRIVATE PROPERTY (1960) ***

Corey Allen and Warren Oates star as two drifters who in the opening scene accost a gas station attendant for some orange soda.  Oates is getting itchy for the company of a woman, and Allen assures him he can get him one.  They follow Kate Manx home and sneak into the abandoned house next door where they spy on her while she swims in the pool.  When her husband leaves town, Corey goes over to warm her up a little.  Naturally, they wind up falling for one another, which makes Oates jealous and ultimately leads to murder.

Written and directed by Leslie (Incubus) Stevens, Private Property is a low-key, low-budget thriller that benefits from a trio of fine performances and an increasing sense of dread.  We know right off the bat what Allen and Oates are capable of, and the way Allen toys with Manx is quite captivating.  The fact that she is bored and seeking a little bit of danger creates a perfect storm that sets up the tragic ending.  (I especially liked the scene where Allen leaves his belt behind and Manx begins wearing it around her neck like a collar.)

Allen and Oates are both excellent and some of the best scenes in the movie play like a deranged version of Of Mice and Men.  They inhabit their despicable characters with such ease that it might remind you of Michael Rooker in Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer.  Manx is equally fine as the lonely housewife torn between her isolated existence and the allure of danger.

If the film has a flaw, it’s that it’s more interesting during its slow-burn early sections than in the finale.  Stevens offers up plenty of atmosphere throughout the picture, but the confrontation between Oates and Allen, though inevitable, curiously falls a little flat.  That’s not enough to derail Private Property, which remains a solidly engaging character-driven noir, even if it does sort of fizzle out near the end.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT (2018) ***

I know I’m a little late to the party with Mission:  Impossible:  Fallout, but sometimes life gets in the way.  Luckily, I was able to finally check it out on a lazy Sunday.  I had high hopes since I dug writer/director Christopher McQuarrie’s last effort in the series, Rogue Nation.  Maybe my expectations were a tad lofty, especially with so many people touting this one as one of the best in the series.  While it lacks the crackerjack precision of Jack Reacher or the flat-out fun of Rogue Nation, it remains a solid Tom Cruise adventure.  There were plenty of stunts and thrills to make for a suitably entertaining late-summer afternoon.  I can’t say it’s a high-octane action flick, but there’s certainly a sufficient amount of octane to go around. 

The plot is another one of those “recover stolen plutonium to prevent terrorists from threatening the world” deals.  The overly familiar plot coupled with McQuarrie’s decision to downplay some of the danger kind of adds to the overall feeling of déjà vu.  (There’s a moment where Cruise rides his motorcycle against traffic during a chase scene that arrives with very little fanfare; almost as if it’s just another day at the office for him.)  Even the much-talked about Halo jump scene falls (no pun intended) a little flat.

Having said that, McQuarrie does deliver a handful of crisply filmed and edited action scenes.  There’s a driving scene that’s similar to Jack Reacher, a great show-stopping bathroom brawl, and the helicopter chase that caps off the movie is a lot of fun.  Fallout also features what is arguably the best Running Tom Cruise scenes of all time, so it has that going for it.

It was in this scene in which Cruise famously broke his ankle while jumping from building to building.  I for one have enjoyed seeing his transformation from pretty boy movie star to the heir apparent to Jackie Chan, risking bodily harm by doing his own stunts in an effort to entertain audiences worldwide.  On the acting side of things, he’s as dependable as ever.  Cruise once again delivers an engaging performance and has a good rapport with new team member Henry Cavill (who after this film and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. has the market cornered on big screen revivals of ‘60s small screen spy shows).

One spoilery type thing to note:  It seems that the more Michelle Monaghan is in a Mission:  Impossible movie, the less I like it.  That’s not a knock on her performance at all, as she’s as fine here as she’s always been.  It’s just that the series has never really figured out what to do with her, aside from being a target for Cruise’s enemies.

While the film lacks the kinetic energy of the first film and the bonkers mentality of the second, it is nevertheless a worthy entry in the series.  Even if McQuarrie fails to top himself from the previous entry, I admire the way he relishes tossing in more perils for Cruise to juggle as the film goes along.  This marked the first time in the franchise in which a filmmaker directed more than one entry.  Maybe that accounts for some of the been-there-done-that feeling.  If the box office is any indication, Cruise will be back doing his impossible missionary work sooner than later.  Maybe next time though, they can bring in a new director to put a fresh spin on the series.

WARLOCK: THE END OF INNOCENCE (1999) * ½

Julian Sands couldn’t be lured back for the third entry in the Warlock franchise, but we have Bruce Payne in his place.  He memorably played the slimy villain in Passenger 57, which made me hopeful that this wouldn’t completely suck.  We also have the lovely Ashley Laurence from the Hellraiser series onboard as the fetching Final Girl.  However, neither of them can bring much life into this unnecessary and forgettable sequel.

Laurence stars as an adopted college student who gets a mysterious invitation to visit her birth parents’ ancestral home.  (Her boyfriend says, “Only you would get a call at 7:00 AM from a historian!”)  For much of the first act, Laurence walks around the empty house in a flimsy negligee with a slightly confused look on her face.  A little later, her friends show up to keep her company.  The evil Warlock (Payne) also appears posing as an architect and tries to turn Laurence’s friends against her in order to fulfill an ancient curse. 

Warlock:  The End of Innocence is a slow moving and frustrating sequel.  Not much happens during the ninety-four-minute running time and the creepy house location wears out its welcome fast.  Director Eric Freiser does little to make the house interesting or scary, which is odd since he does a good job early on during the dorm room scenes.  I liked the long camera take that goes down the hall room to room exploiting the kinky goings-on in the dorm.  Since this scene also serves as our introduction to the characters, it’s quite economical.  Too bad this sort of precision is sorely lacking elsewhere in the film.

It doesn’t help that the Warlock spends most of his time talking to our characters to gain their trust before messing with their minds.  Payne’s performance is missing the panache Julian Sands brought to the role, but in his defense, Sands was given much better scripts to work with.  Laurence is good though and her performance is the best thing about the movie. 

The film might’ve skated by with Two Stars if the death scenes weren’t so uninspired (there’s death by fire and freezing).  Although there’s a decent throat slashing scene, the bulk of the kills are disappointing.  There is a potentially cool torture dungeon scene that plays like a mix of Hellraiser and Cannibal Ferox, but it’s way too brief to have much of an impact.  The lame finale helped assure that The End of Innocence was the end of the road for the franchise.

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957) ** ½

Beginning of the End is a seminal movie in the Bert I. Gordon filmography.  It was the first time he took something that’s usually small and turned them into giant monsters.  He’d later go on to make spiders, ants, chickens, and Beau Bridges into giants using cut-rate special effects, but he perfected the formula in this film using locusts.  

It’s a typical effort from Mr. B.I.G.  It lacks the pathos of The Amazing Colossal Man, the out-and-out fun of Earth vs. the Spider, and some of the dopey charm of Village of the Giants.  However, you can tell Gordon took what does work here and put it to better use in his later movies. 

Peter Graves stars as an entomologist using radiation to grow enormous vegetables.  Some grasshoppers find their way into the greenhouse, eat the food, and turn into giant killers.  It’s then up to Peter to figure out a way to stop them before they level Chicago. 

Of course, Gordon tries to convince us that they’re “locusts” to make it sound biblical and shit, but let’s face it.  They’re grasshoppers.  It’s a goofy monster to pin an entire movie around, that’s for sure.  Still, that’s kind of what makes it watchable.  Unfortunately, things start off awful slow and Gordon resorts to a lot of stalling tactics to keep the giant grasshoppers off screen for as long as possible.  (There are a lot of long shots of people driving.)  Once Graves shows up, it improves greatly.  

The effects of forced perspective grasshoppers interacting with stock footage and army men are often hilarious.  I especially love the ending where they walk on postcards of buildings and Gordon tries to pass it off as giant grasshoppers swarming Chicago landmarks.  You won’t take a moment of it seriously, but you’ll probably find yourself enjoying it more often than not.

RAZE (2014) * ½

Raze is a violent, brutal, and ugly film that marries the torture porn set-up of Hostel with the underground fighting tournament plotline of your average Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie.  It’s novel in that all the fighters are women.  Unfortunately, that’s about where the invention stops.

Doug Jones kidnaps a group of women and locks them into holding cells.  They are then released two at a time, led to a well, and forced to fight one another.  Hidden cameras broadcast the brawls to members of a “secret society” ran by Jones and his wife (Sherilynn Fenn).  Zoe Bell, Rachel Nichols, Tracie Thoms, and Amy Johnston are among the fighters, all of whom must fight, or their loved ones will be killed by Jones’ goons.  

There’s no real style or substance here, just gratuitous violence.  Admittedly, it’s not a bad idea, it’s just that the execution is lacking.  The fight scenes are joyless exercises and mostly revolve around two women pummeling each other rather than smartly choreographed and executed fight scenes.

Raze tries to straddle the line between two disparate genres, which is admirable I guess, but the truth of the matter is the film does neither genre justice.  It also loses major points for having a potentially awesome scene where Zoe Bell fights Amy Johnston and then shamelessly wasting an opportunity for something special.  I mean here you have a scene featuring two of the best actresses working in DTV action today and you throw it all away by making the fight an abbreviated, over-edited affair filmed in close quarters with zero style and uninspired choreography. 

One good thing about the movie is Doug Jones, who must be glad to have a role where he doesn’t have to wear a mocap suit with dozens of ping pong balls attached to it.  I also got a kick out of seeing Sherilyn Fenn looking like a loony bin version of Liz Taylor.  I wouldn’t mind seeing them return in a Hostel 2-style sequel that shows the inner workings of their secret society.

Thoms and Bell were also in the much better Death Proof. 

AKA:  Raze:  Fight or Die.

3 GODFATHERS (1948) ****

John Wayne, Pedro Armendariz, and Harry Carey, Jr are desperate bank robbers low on water being pursued across the desert by wily marshal Ward Bond.  While searching for water, they come across a pregnant woman and help her give birth.  They make her a deathbed promise to care for the baby and set off across the harsh desert hoping for a miracle. 

3 Godfathers is one of John Ford‘s best films.  You really care about the characters, and each of them, though flawed, prove themselves heroic in the face of impossible odds.  John Wayne gives one of his best performances as the ringleader of the bank robbers. He’s rugged and tough on the outside, but inside there’s a caring, loving, and protective father figure waiting to show itself.  Armendariz and Carey both have their moments too and there is a tremendous amount of chemistry between the three leads.  Bond is equally good as the marshal in hot pursuit. 

Even though Ford is a rough-and-tumble manly man’s director, he still has a knack for pulling at your heartstrings.  He does so in such a subtle manner that the emotional core of the story slowly sneaks up on you.  By the end of the movie, you’ll be simultaneously holding back the tears while grinning from ear to ear.  Unlike many of Ford’s films, he does not linger much on the vast landscapes of the old west (although there is some of that during the elongated salt flats sequence).  He’s less concerned with mapping the characters’ progress across the desert and more with mapping the expressions on the characters’ faces as they transform from wanted outlaws to protective guardians. 

DEATH LAID AN EGG (1970) **

Jean-Louis Trintignant is trying to invent new cost-effective ways to raise chickens on his wife’s (Gina Lollibrigida) poultry farm.  When he isn’t working with the chickens, he’s busy getting his rocks off sleeping with prostitutes.  Lollibrigida eventually gets wise to his scheme and becomes insanely jealous.  She gets his cousin (Ewa Aulin) to make her up as a hooker to catch him in the act, which leads to murder. 

Death Laid an Egg is comprised of two subplots.  The stuff dealing with the maintenance, marketing, and scientific experiments going on at the chicken farm is rough going sometimes.  There is one great scene though where a scientist develops a mutated headless chicken, but for the most part, these moments don’t have enough kick to make the rest of the flick worthwhile.  The main thrust of the story, the prostitute murders, is unfortunately rather boring.  There is a decent plot twist in the final reel, although it occurs much too late to have any real impact.  The open-ended ending is also frustrating.

The direction and editing as often artsy-fartsy and gets in the way of the action.  I guess the Blow-Up influence is to blame for that.  If it was presented in a more straightforward manner, or at the very least had more sizzle (for a movie about murdering prostitutes, it seems awful chaste) it might’ve worked.

AKA:  A Curious Way to Love.  AKA:  Plucked.

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS (1944) ** ½

Robert Lowell stars as a well-to-do lad with lush parents.  They’re extremely wealthy and give him everything a boy could want, except of course for parental guidance and affection.  He falls for a pretty night club singer (Mary Beth Hughes) and winds up getting mixed up with gangsters, which leads to a life of crime. 

I Accuse My Parents exists in the middle ground between ‘30s scare film and ‘50s juvenile delinquent movie.  (Like Reefer Madness, there’s a scene where the judge condemns the parents.)  Unfortunately, it lacks the bonkers qualities of those old “educational” roadshow pictures.  It’s also missing the kick of the JD flicks.  (Thugs wearing three-piece suits and fedoras just aren’t as cool as hot-rodders in leather jackets.)  Since it’s a Poverty Row quickie from PRC directed by Sam (Radar Secret Service) Newfield, it does have its own charms.   

It’s also a good vehicle for the talented Mary Beth Hughes.  Not only does she deliver a solid performance, she even gets to sing a couple of catchy songs too.  (“Are You Happy in Your Work” is a real showstopper.)  Lowell isn’t bad exactly, it’s just that his character is such a drip.  Plus, he tells so many wild yarns that it’s hard to feel sorry for him once he gets under the thumb of the gangsters.  I mean it’s not ALL his parents’ fault!

AKA:  Accuse My Past.

ADAM AND EVE (1983) ** ½

After a budget version of Genesis, God creates Adam (Mark “Trash” Gregory) who crawls out of a slimy egg sac.  He wanders around for a while until he comes to a beach where he makes a sculpture of a woman in the sand.  After it rains, Eve (Andrea Goldman) emerges from the beach to keep Adam company.  They’re happy for a time, but she’s constantly tempted by a snake who urges her to eat the forbidden fruit.  When she and Adam both take a bite from the apple, it leads to a lot of stock footage of volcanos, hurricanes, and mudslides.  Later, Eve watches some lions fucking and gets horny.  After a quick lovemaking session, she steals an egg and is attacked by its mother, a hungry pterodactyl. 

Oh, did I mention there were dinosaurs in the garden of Eden?  It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I don’t seem to remember reading that in the Bible.  Nor do I remember a Bible verse recounting the Raiders of the Lost Ark-inspired scene where Adam and Eve outrun a shitty stop-motion boulder.  This must’ve been the new New Testament.

Other parts that may or may not have been in the Bible:  A bear attack.  Eve cheating on Adam with a tribesman.  Cannibals bashing people’s brains in.

In the end, Adam and the pregnant Eve makes their way to the sea where they try to put all that apple-eating shit behind them and start again.  Would it surprise you that the film ends with real footage of an underwater birth?  Probably not.

Adam and Eve is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but it delivers more WTF’s per minute than anything I’ve seen in quite some time.  I can’t really recommend it because it’s in no way, shape, or form what I’d call “good”.  However, if it’s been a long time since your jaw has dropped from sheer cinematic insanity, you should probably check it out. 

AKA:  Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve:  The First Love Story.

THE DAUGHTER OF THE JUNGLE (1982) **

Two knuckleheads run out of gas while going down river in the jungle.  There, they encounter waterfalls, stock footage of crocodiles, and cannibals.  They eventually get mixed up with some baddies who make them join in the search for a stash of lost rubies.  The duo winds up getting rescued by a beautiful, scantily-clad jungle girl (Sabrina Siani) and immediately begin vying for her affection.

The Daughter of the Jungle is an odd jungle comedy directed by Umberto Lenzi and written by actor Giovanni Radice.  It relies heavily on mostly unfunny wordplay and desperate slapstick, but it’s not completely devoid of laughs.  Most of the humor comes courtesy of the atrocious dubbing.  One guy sounds like Pepe Le Pew and another sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium.

The real reason to see it is for the amazing Sabrina Siani, one of the ripest Italian tomatoes in silver screen history.   She spends most of her screen time in a barely-there loincloth swinging from vines and yelling like Tarzan.  (She even has a chimp sidekick, just like Tarzan.)  She also gets a great skinny-dipping scene.  (“You’ve got it all over Bo What’s-Her-Name!”)  Whether riding on an elephant or trying to figure out how jeans work, she is immensely fun to watch.  

If it wasn’t for Siani’s stunning figure and humorous performance, The Daughter of the Jungle wouldn’t be worth a damn.  In fact, the movie is borderline insufferable whenever she isn’t on screen.  Still, it’s almost worth a look just for her breathtaking beauty alone. 

AKA:  Adventures in Last Paradise.

TIME AFTER TIME (1979) ***

H.G. Wells (Malcolm McDowell) invents a time machine when wouldn’t you know it, Jack the fucking Ripper (David Warner) steals it to elude capture by the police.  Wells takes off to modern day San Francisco in hot pursuit of the Ripper and stop him from committing more murders.  Along the way, he winds up falling in love with a sweet-natured bank teller (Mary Steenburgen) who naturally becomes the Ripper’s next target.

Director Nicholas Meyer takes a fantastic premise and goes off and running with it right from the get-go.  The first-person opening scene of the Ripper preying upon an unsuspecting prostitute is a crackling bit of suspense that would make Hitchcock proud.  The ensuing scenes of Wells getting his first taste of the future are fun (like when he goes to McDonald’s) and McDowell’s light and cheery performance is truly winning.

After a breezy setup, the movie reaches a plateau once McDowell begins his courtship of Steenburgen.  Although there is considerable chemistry between the two (they fell in love on set and were later married), these scenes are just too drawn out and not nearly as engaging as McDowell’s hunt for Warner.  Things perk up during the finale, but it ultimately lacks the punch of the early scenes. 

Steenburgen later starred in another romantic time travel movie, Back to the Future 3, and Meyer went on to write another time traveling flick set in San Francisco, Star Trek 4:  The Voyage Home. 

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN (2018) ***

Christopher Robin is like a Snuggle commercial directed by Terrence Malick.  It’s beautiful to look at, but it’s ultimately a hollow cash grab from Disney who’s trying to update their back library of characters for the 21^st century.  It’s easy to be cynical about these things, especially if you’re like me and a fan of the old traditionally animated Winnie the Pooh cartoons.  Still, there’s been enough goodwill generated over the years from these characters to carry it over the various hiccups.

The plot is one of the weaker elements.  Christopher Robin puts away his toys when he goes away to boarding school.  He grows up to become workaholic Ewan McGregor who puts his job ahead of his family.  I’m sure you can guess what happens next.  Pooh and the rest of the Hundred Acre Wood gang come looking for Christopher Robin and force him to stop being such a grown-up and reclaim the childhood he left behind.

This stuff is standard issue for the most part.  The engaging performances certainly help.  McGregor really sells his character’s transformation, despite his predictable arc and the hackneyed script.  Marc (Quantum of Solace) Forster’s whimsical direction is another plus.  He really sells the fantastic elements of the story and contrasts them with the grounded aspects of Christopher’s everyday gloomy existence.  This masks the lightweight plot somewhat, as does Forster’s lightning pacing.  

My biggest beef is with the ugly character designs.  I know Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and the rest of the gang are supposed to be ratty, thirty-year-old stuffed animals, but still.  There’s also something unsettling about a fuzzy bear with creepy, lifeless, coal black eyes spouting Zen-like fortune cookie wisdom.  Maybe I’m just too attached to the older animated designs that it’s hard for to me accept these new incarnations of the characters.  Maybe like Christopher Robin I need to lighten up and embrace my childhood.  

The characters, though realized through CGI, still talk and act the same way we remember.  They all have their moments to shine (especially Eeyore, who practically steals the movie), and provide plenty of laughs along the way.  They’re so much fun to watch that you kind of forget that the script is nothing more than a thinly sketched outline.

AKA:  I Became an Adult with Pooh.

TRANCERS 6 (2002) ½ *

Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson, who is only briefly seen in outtakes from the other Trancers movies while on a video monitor) is once again “sent down the line” back to the past (which is still the future to us).  His consciousness winds up in the body of his daughter (Zette Sullivan), a scientist who is studying the sudden appearance of an alien meteor.  Once getting acclimated to his new body, Jack sets out to stop a plot cooked up by his daughter’s evil boss who is using the meteor to spawn a new army of Trancers.

Seeing Sullivan trying to talk tough and act like Thomerson is a soul-crushing experience.  The body swapping idea could’ve worked, but she just isn’t convincing at playing Deth.  Her monotone delivery is often slurred and mumbled, which makes the already unfunny jokes fall flat.  Since virtually the whole movie is about a man trapped in a woman’s body, it’s shocking how little is actually done with the concept.  Even when they do try to comment on the situation, it is handled so clumsily that it borders on embarrassing.

It also doesn’t help that the effects, acting, and cinematography are about on par with a Witchcraft sequel.  Strike that.  That’s an insult to the Witchcraft sequels, which can be at least sporadically entertaining under the right circumstances.  The only good part comes when Sullivan sticks test tubes into a Trancer’s eyes, but that nifty moment is woefully short lived. 

I’m not sure how I survived the agonizing seventy-nine-minute running time, which seemed at least triple that.  I thought some of the Trancers sequels were bad, but this one is such a mind-numbing bore that I might have to retroactively add an extra Half Star to their reviews just to give them some distance from this turd.  This one killed so many of my brain cells that I’m starting to think I’ve become a Trancer myself.

AKA:  Future Cop 6.  AKA:  Trancers 6:  Life After Deth.

ENCOUNTERS IN THE DEEP (1979) * ½

Encounters in the Deep gets off to a sluggish start with a longwinded narrator talking endlessly about the Bermuda Triangle while lots of stock footage is shown.  Finally, some glowing lights appear in the water emitting a strange sound that makes people disappear.  A distraught billionaire funds an expedition to go to the Bermuda Triangle to find his missing daughter and gets more than he bargained for along the way.

If you can’t already guess by the title, they were going for a Close Encounters riff on your typical Bermuda Triangle movie with a little bit of Peter Benchley’s The Deep thrown in there for good measure.  It has a lot in common with the other Bermuda Triangle movie I saw this week, The Bermuda Triangle.  Both films feature a creepy doll as a harbinger of doom, needlessly drawn out scuba diving sequences, and long scenes of people sitting around on boats.  Although it can’t boast the presence of Hugo Stiglitz, there is a guy who LOOKS a lot like Hugo Stiglitz, so there’s that.  I can honestly say it’s only slightly better than The Bermuda Triangle.  Like that film, it’s boring as shit, but at least with Encounters in the Deep there’s annoying high-pitched ringing every time the aliens appear, which prevents you from falling asleep.  

Speaking of aliens, they are good for a laugh although you’ve got to wait a long time to finally get a look at them.  I must give director Tony (Night of the Sharks) Richmond props for recreating the ending of Close Encounters on a shoestring budget.  I admire not only the brazenness in which Richmond unabashedly steals from Spielberg, but also for the way he cannily manages to replicate his style. I’m not saying it saves the movie or anything.  It’s just that he mimicked Spielberg’s style in this scene about as well as J.J. Abrams did for the entirety of Super 8.  For that and that alone, I can’t completely hate it.

HERCULES, SAMSON AND ULYSSES (1965) ** ½

Hercules (Kirk Morris) and Ulysses (Enzo Cerusico) go help some fisherman slay a sea monster.  During the battle, their ship capsizes, and they wind up ashore in Judea.  Not long after, Hercules fights and kills a lion, which gets him mistaken for the legendary strongman, Samson (Richard Lloyd).  This naturally draws the ire of the king, Laertes (Andrea Fantasia) and he orders the death of several townspeople, which sends Samson into a fury.  Thinking Herc was the one responsible, Samson goes on a warpath looking for the son of Zeus to get some payback.  Eventually the duo decides they’re stronger if they work together and they set out to bring an end to Laertes’ reign.

Hercules, Samson and Ulysses was directed by Pietro Francisci, the man who started the sword and sandal craze with the original Hercules.  It’s a strange mix of Italian peplum and biblical epic that’s just different enough to be memorable and almost silly enough to be a minor cult item.  It’s also a bit more violent than your typical peplum adventure as lots of extras get crucified, hung, and speared along the way.  

The best part is the battle with the sea monster.  I’ve seen some laughable sea monsters in my time, but this one takes the cake.  It’s nothing more than your average sea lion!  Francisci and his special effects team don’t do much to make it look all that monstrous either.  You’d think they’d film it at odd angles or something to make it appear bigger, but that’s not exactly the case.  That just makes the scene even more hysterical.

Herc also finds time to fight a bull.  This bit is reminiscent of Karate Bull Fighter, but it’s too short to leave a lasting impression.  Herc’s fight with the lion is much longer though and is more entertaining too.

The big Herc vs. Samson scene is quite rousing.  Morris and Lloyd can throw papier Mache boulders around and topple Styrofoam ruins to the ground with the best in the business.  The fight itself is set up sort of like Batman v Superman and ends in a truce that’s just as random (although neither one of their mothers is named Martha).  The final battle where the duo team up against the king’s army isn’t nearly as good, but it’s still better than most of the stuff you see in these toga-fests.

Morris does a great job as Herc and is just as good, if not better than Steve Reeves in the role.  Lloyd isn’t quite in that league, but he certainly does a fine job during the fight scenes.  It’s Liana (Mill of the Stone Women) Orfei who very nearly steals the film as the sultry Delilah.  The highlight comes when she does a sexy dance while a guard whips off her clothes one by one.  (I guess that would make it a whiptease?)  Like most of the women in these movies, there’s a scene where she gives Herc a potion that makes him sleepy, too.  Fans of Ulysses are going to be disappointed as he spends most of the running time captured and/or whining.  You have to wonder why the heck he even got his name in the title because he does very little to earn his billing.  

At any rate, I was sort of glad I saw this.  It’s pretty kooky, although anyone who isn’t a die-hard peplum fanatic will probably be less than enthused.  Bad movie fans will get a kick out of the shitty “monsters” and fight scenes, but I imagine they’ll get restless during all the men-in-togas shit.

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (1978) * ½

A ship disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.  John Huston’s boat comes across the only survivor, a cruddy looking doll, and of course, his daughter wants to keep it.  Soon after, the doll starts having a hankering for raw meat and crew members begin meeting untimely deaths.  

Directed by Mexican schlockmeister Rene (Guyana:  Cult of the Damned) Cardona Jr., The Bermuda Triangle is a long (nearly two hours) voyage to nowhere.  It has an admittedly brilliant set-up, at least one laugh-out-loud scene of incompetent silliness (the nightmare sequence), and one memorably WTF moment (the doll eats some birds).  However, about halfway through, the movie stops on a dime during an extended, slow-moving, and dull scuba diving scene.  From there on, it becomes an excruciating slog culminating in one of the more infuriating non-endings it’s been my displeasure to sit through in quite some time.

Probably sensing it would be hard to sustain the suspense of a boat’s disappearance for the entire running time, Cardona tosses in not only a killer doll, but also a creepy kid and an ill-advised quest for Atlantis into the mix.  Neither of these subplots do much to perk up the already interminable pacing.  While it’s fun seeing someone of John Huston’s stature wallowing in such schlocky surroundings, he doesn’t do much to elevate the film from the depths of embarrassment.  Only Hugo Stiglitz and Video Vacuum favorite Miguel Angel Fuentes are able to inject a little machismo into the proceedings.  

AKA:  The Secrets of the Bermuda Triangle.  AKA:  Devil’s Triangle of Bermuda.