CRUEL JAWS (1995) **

Bruno Mattei’s blatant Jaws rip-off Cruel Jaws recycles (ahem… STEALS) footage from not only Jaws, but all its sequels during the shark attack scenes.  Not to be outdone, Mattei also borrows (make that HIJACKS) footage from The Last Shark, another Jaws rip-off that’s almost as blatant as this one!  The results aren’t exactly “good”, but it’s worth watching just to marvel at all the ways Mattei cribs from Spielberg and his successors.

In fact, Mattei does a good job imitating Spielberg’s style as he captures the look of the original Jaws for many sequences.  He even copies a lot of the same camera moves.  Mattei also replicates the same beats Jaws 2 director Jeannot Szwarc put down.  And Jaws 3-D director, Joe Alves.  And Jaws the Revenge… you get the point.  Mattei also steals whole chunks of dialogue, scenarios, and camera set-ups from the franchise.  The results often look like an amateur playhouse company performing select scenes from the Jaws movies.  Unlike those directors, he shows no restraint when it comes to showing the half-eaten human leftovers of the shark’s victims, which is definitely appreciated by us gorehounds.

The owner of a marineland theme park is given notice to vacate the premises.  Meanwhile, a killer tiger shark is going around putting the bite on people.  The town officials and the asshole real estate guy don’t want to close the beaches because of the big regatta.  Naturally, the shark turns the big race into a hot lunch.

This is one of those movies where the star rating system doesn’t do it justice.  It’s not good in a conventional sense.  However, if you enjoy a terrible Italian rip-off like I do, you’re sure to have fun with Cruel Jaws.  Personally, I thought the gratuitous Mafia subplot (which I guess was cribbed from Peter Benchley’s original novel) got in the way of the fun in the third act.  Plus, the ending is way too abrupt to be completely satisfying.  That said, there are plenty of laughs and eye-rolling moments here to keep fans of WTF cinema entertained.

Since so much of the film rips off Jaws visually, it goes without saying that it also rips off John Williams’ Jaws theme.  What makes the music in Cruel Jaws so great is that it also steals from his score to Star Wars!  Also, get a load of the hero who resembles what Hulk Hogan would look like if he never lifted a weight in his entire life.  (“Whatchoo gonna do when anorexia runs wild on you?”)  Another hilarious highpoint is the scene where a pair of girls call some horny dudes “dick brain” again and again.  You don’t get that in a Spielberg movie, that’s for sure.  (Unless that was a poorly translated nod to the “penis breath” line from E.T.)

Which reminds me:  Come for the stolen footage and recycled plotlines.  Stay for the hilarious dialogue.  I think the best line came from the teenage fish expert’s girlfriend who gives him an ultimatum and says, “Once and for all, it’s the fish or me!”  That alone makes it better than Jaws the Revenge in my book.

AKA:  Jaws 5.  AKA:  Jaws 5:  Cruel Jaws.  AKA:  Shark Terror.  AKA:  The Beast.