IRON MASK (2020) *

“I’ve waited a long time for this”.

This line is spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger just before he and Jackie Chan square off against one another in Iron Mask.  So have their fans.  The last time they met on screen (in Around the World in 80 Days), Arnold had little more than a glorified cameo.  Here, both men have very little screen time, but they are front and center just long enough to exchange fisticuffs with one another.  The results are underwhelming to say the least as the fight is hampered with some inane comedy and gratuitous 3-D moments.  As lame as the fight is, it still manages to be the best thing about the film, which has to rank among both stars’ worst. 

The fact that both of them are barely in it (Jackie gets the “With the Special Participation of” credit) is the first tip-off that this is going to suck.  Making things even more unbearable is the fact that it has about four other plots going on that feel like they came out of entirely different movies.  There’s a mapmaker (Bruiser’s Jason Flemyng) who travels through China while hanging out with a flying monkey, a princess who disguises herself in drag to avoid detection from her enemies, and a Russian prince (who wears the titular mask) who frees himself from the Tower of London and goes on a pirating adventure.  That’s not even mentioning the WTF prologue about white wizards making tea from the eyelashes of dragons or some such shit. 

The film was a Russian-Chinese co-production and it’s an overstuffed, bizarre affair.  It often feels like a ten-part mini-series that was edited into two hours.  Characters come and go, chaotic action sequences bluster on, and shitty CGI abounds.  The finale is particularly awful, and the film as a whole is a rather exhausting and excruciating affair.   

It’s not all bad though.  I liked the villainess’ henchmen.  One looked like a Rock Lords version of Super Shredder and the other resembles the love child of Doctor Fate and Tik-Tok from Return to Oz.  Really though, there’s no reason to see it other than for the participation (make that SPECIAL participation) of Schwarzenegger and Chan.  After all these years, they really deserve a better brawling platform than a shitty Russian-Chinese movie.  As an added bonus, you also get Rutger Hauer (in one of his last roles) in one scene wearing a powdered wig and looking as confused as the audience.

The sad thing is, there could’ve been a good movie made about the Chan and Schwarzenegger characters.  Imagine a tale of a wrongfully imprisoned man (Chan) and his jailer (Schwarzenegger) whose relationship spans decades.  First, they start off on the wrong foot and try to kick each other’s asses before they learn to respect one another, and over time, eventually become allies.  That’s a lot better than the “Hey, you’re a pretty good fighter, look me up whenever you’re in China so I can give you a long-winded propaganda-laced speech about Chinese nationalism!” shit that we wound up with. 

AKA:  Viy 2.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Dragon Seal:  Legend of the Dragon.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Dragon Seal.  AKA:  The Iron Mask:  Mystery of the Dragon Seal.  AKA:  The Dragon Seal.  AKA:  Journey to China:  Mystery of the Iron Mask.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Iron Mask:  Journey to China.