BARBIE AND KENDRA CRASH JOE BOB’S DRIVE-IN JAMBOREE (2024) ** ½

Cody Renee Cameron and Robin Sydney return for their fourth Barbie and Kendra movie for Charles Band’s Full Moon Features.  This time out, Barbie (Cameron) and Kendra (Sydney) grow restless with their nonexistent love life and wonder if the perfect man even exists.  When they see Joe Bob Briggs on TV, they know what they have to do:  Hop on their motorcycle, drive to Vegas, and meet him at his third annual Drive-In Jamboree. 

Joe Bob has appeared in cameos in various movies and TV shows as himself, but he probably deserves his own movie by now.  (Hogzilla notwithstanding.)  Although he’s usually a blast to watch, I have to say poor Joe Bob looks slightly bewildered by all this.  I know he officiated Band’s marriage to Sydney during an episode of The Last Drive-In, which makes me wonder if having him starring in this movie was part of the prenup.  Darcy the Mail Girl (Diana Prince, who also appeared in Band’s famous T & A 2) seems to be having fun though. 

The movie is at its best when it’s taking humorous jabs at the horror convention crowd.   Sleepaway Camp’s Felissa Rose is funny as the bitchy developer who wants to tear down the drive-in and put up a golf course who is disgusted by the “sea of black t-shirts”.  Scary Movie’s Dave Sheridan also pops up playing himself signing autographs. 

Acting as filler is a mash-up of Ruby and Turkish Exorcist that’s been given a new What’s Up Tiger Lily-style comedic soundtrack.  This stretch of the film is the weakest as the jokes are lame and obvious.  Everything from Me Too to Jeffrey Epstein is namedropped, but it doesn’t exactly translate into laughs.  I did like the part when Stuart Whitman drives a car through the drive-in screen playing the Exorcist rip-off and said, “The power of Chrysler compels you!”

Thankfully, at fifty minutes, it all runs rather smoothly.  In fact, this is easily the best of the Barbie and Kendra movies.  That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement to be sure, but it’s probably worth watching once if you’re a fan of Joe Bob and/or The Last Drive-In. 

SANCTUARY (2023) *** ½

Hal (Christopher Abbott) is a rich dude who regularly sees a sexy dominatrix named Rebecca (Margaret Qualley) to help get his rocks off.  When he learns he’s going to take over his father’s company, he tries to break off their arrangement.  Not one to be brushed aside, Rebecca comes back at him with both barrels.  Thus begins a cat and mouse battle of wits, submission, and dominance. 

Qualley is smoking hot in this.  My favorite scene comes when she makes Abbott get down on his hands and knees and clean the bathroom floor.  While she remains fully clothed at all times, the stimulation she creates is more mental than physical, and seeing her assert herself over the weak-willed Abbott is a lot of fun.  This is easily one of her best performances.  While I haven’t been impressed by Abbott in the past (he made for a wimpy Wolf Man), his blank expression and nominal screen presence really helps to sell his sad sack submissive character. 

Sanctuary is a chamber piece with two characters in one location.  When you have Qualley playing a dominatrix that’s all you really need.  What’s interesting is how the power dynamic shifts throughout the movie.  The first act is essentially their (no contact) sex game.  Afterwards, Abbott tries to buy her off with a fancy watch and tells her not to contact him again.  Knowing her worth, Qualley begins to negotiate a sum that reflects her true value.  It’s like the dude is okay with being submissive in the bedroom, but when it comes to the real world, he tries to alpha her using his wealth and position and she isn’t having any of it.  Ultimately, it’s a metaphor for equal gender pay. 

However, the third act is when things really sizzle as it’s here where the film begins to dig deeper and finds what’s really at the center of Abbott’s troubles.  Most S & M dramas are content to deal with the superficial allure of the lifestyle and be done with it.  Because Sanctuary has the heart to explore the characters’ psychological underpinnings, it makes it much more complex and compelling.  

OCEAN’S EIGHT (2018) *** ½

It seems like Sandra Bullock doesn’t make as many movies as she used to, but it’s nice to know that when they do come around, the films actually take advantage of her talents.  In Ocean’s Eight she gets to play a hot, tough, fast-talking grifter, the sister of George Clooney’s character from Ocean’s Eleven.   Fresh out of prison, she gets seven women with various different skills together to pull off a heist at the ritzy Met Gala.  Helping Bullock is her right-hand woman (Cate Blanchett), a down on her luck fashion designer (Helena Bonham Carter), a ditzy movie star (Anne Hathaway), a forger (Mindy Kaling), a hacker (Rhianna), a pickpocket (Awkwafina), and a fence (Sarah Paulson). 

Director Gary Ross keeps things zipping along at a crackling pace.  He also imbues the film with its own sense of style while very much feeling like an honest to goodness continuation of the franchise, and not just… you know… the same shit, but with women.  The heist is exciting and entertaining too and contains at least more than one genuine surprise. 

The movie gets a lot of mileage from the chemistry between the stars too.  (Bullock’s scenes with Blanchett are particularly fun.)  Even though it’s primarily a Bullock vehicle, the other actresses all have their moments to shine, and it’s fun just seeing them bouncing off one another.  The Met Gala finale also serves as a good opportunity to shoehorn a lot of cameos in there as well. 

Speaking of cameos, there are at least two notable cameos by previous members of the Ocean’s Eleven franchise, although they don’t manage to stick around for very long.  Apparently, other members of the series were supposed to show up too, but their scenes were cut.  Not that the movie really needed them anyway.  It does just fine on its own merits. 

Ocean’s Eleven’s director Steven Soderbergh also served as a producer and surprisingly enough, was the second unit director for Ross’s The Hunger Games. 

BODY COUNT (1998) **

An art heist goes wrong, leaving a member of the crew dead.  Since none of the thieves trust each other, they all take a long road trip to Florida to fence the stolen loot.  If they don’t wind up killing each other first, that is. 

Body Count is another one of those post-Tarantino crime movies filled with flashbacks and scenes of tough guys talking tough and pushing each other around.  These kinds of flicks can be worthwhile if the cast is great, and the writing is sharp.  Well, the cast is great at least. 

The problem is the characters they play are walking cliches.  David Caruso is the no nonsense wheelman who gets angry whenever someone is being less than professional.  Ving Rhames is the cool-as-a-cucumber leader.  John Leguizamo is the hotheaded loudmouth street hood whose itchy trigger finger gets them in a jam.  Donnie Wahlberg plays the stoner who just wants everyone to get along.  Forest Whitaker is the man who set up the heist.  All these guys do fine work with what they were given, it’s just that they weren’t given very much to work with.  

It was nice to see Jade stars Caruso and Linda Fiorentino reunited, albeit briefly.  Despite her prominent billing and placement on the video box, Fiorentino doesn’t show up until the picture is halfway over.  Sadly, she doesn’t generate any sparks with Caruso, or with anyone else in the cast for that matter. 

It also doesn’t help that the narrative is repetitive.  The thieves travel by car to a bus depot and/or train station.  They wind up getting into an altercation with one another, causing them to miss their ride.  They then hop back into the car and drive to the next station.  Rinse and repeat. 

These Tarantino wannabes also suffer from some cringe-inducing dialogue.  This one is no different as the thieves mostly talk about “pussy” in their downtime.  The editing towards the end gets a little janky too, and the quick voiceover that wraps things up suggests either last minute reshoots and/or rewrites.  Because of that, Body Count doesn’t add up to much. 

BLUE VELVET (1986) ****

After Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, and Dune, we knew David Lynch could bring on the weirdness like few others in the business.  It wasn’t until Blue Velvet that we learned he was also one kinky son of a gun.  With this film, he peeled back the veneer of smalltown Americana and apple pie and discovered it was rotten to the core.  Sure, this isn’t exactly a shocking revelation, but it’s the distinctly Lynchian way he pulls it off that makes it a classic. 

Small town boy Jeffrey (Kyle MacLachlan) returns home and discovers a severed ear in a field.  Before you can say Vincent Van Gogh, he’s playing junior detective with the pretty Sandy (Laura Dern) who also happens to be the daughter of the local police lieutenant (George Dickerson).  Jeffrey eventually uncovers a sinister plot involving a battered night club singer named Dorothy (Isabella Rossellini) who is held in sadomasochistic torment by the maniacal Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper in a performance for the ages).  Jeffrey tries to play the white knight but soon gets sucked into Frank’s bizarro world of crime, malice, and suffering. 

Lynch deals with such adult themes as voyeurism and sadomasochism with a childlike innocence, which is what gives the movie its power.  The way he contrasts the smalltown exterior with its seedy underbelly (a theme he’d later expand upon with Twin Peaks) is sometimes shocking, as is the way he dekes and dives into various subgenres.  It goes from a Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew mystery to neo-noir to straight-up Playboy Channel on a dime.  Lynch keeps you in the palm of his hand for every twist and turn along the way. 

The performances are all great.  MacLachlan and Dern have a lot of chemistry together and his scenes with Rossellini are rife with tension too.  Hopper (the same year as Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2!) is a real force of nature in this as his foul-mouthed soliloquies are equal parts frightening and hilarious.  (“Heineken? Fuck that shit!  Pabst Blue Ribbon!”)  It’s Dean Stockwell who threatens to steal the movie as Frank’s buddy Ben, who in the film’s dreamiest scene, lip synchs to Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams”.

LITTLE GIRL BIG TEASE (1976) ***

A trio of kidnappers lure a rich teenage ballerina named Virginia (Jody Ray) to a remote mansion where they hold her for ransom.  She teases muscleman Dakota (Phil Bendone) with her innocent charms, and he repays her by raping her.  She then seeks solace in the arms of the ringleader, Mrs. Coward (Mary Mendum, a veteran of many Joe Sarno movies), who also happens to be Virginia’s Home Ec. teacher!  Soon after, she’s teaching Virginia about the birds and the bees, if you catch my drift.  Before you can say “Stockholm Syndrome”, Virginia is seducing the whole gang.  The problem is, after so many sexual misadventures, will she even want to go back home? 

Little Girl Big Tease was released by Cannon Films (a few years before Golan and Globus bought them out) and it’s kind of typical for a drive-in softcore sexploitation flick.  It’s more of a straight-up crime movie than the Lolita knockoff it’s advertised to be, but there’s still enough of that to satisfy the audience so that nobody would’ve thought to ask for their money back.  Fans of Mendum will definitely want to give it a look as she has several spicy nude scenes.  The scene where she seduces Ray (who is very good in her only credited performance) is a real winner, as is the finale where she gets it on with all of the kidnappers. 

A lot of this is on the cheap side.  The story takes place in mostly one location and there are noticeable boom shadows on the wall.  Director Roberto Mitrotti (who mostly worked on documentaries after this) also goes a little overboard with the dissolves during some of the love scenes.  That doesn’t get in the way of the fun though.  They don’t make them like this anymore (for obvious reasons), but when they did, they sure knew how to make them.  Because of that, Little Girl Big Tease is a big winner for fans of ‘70s softcore smut. 

AKA:  Satisfaction Love.  AKA:  Captive Pleasures.  AKA:  Snatched.

THE TOP 10 FILMS OF 2024

 Now that I've finally had some time to reflect on the matter, here's my Top Ten Films of 2024:

1.       The Substance

2.      The First Omen

3.      Speak No Evil

4.      The Beekeeper

5.      Smile 2

6.      Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

7.      The Fall Guy

8.     Anora

9.     Terrifier 3

10.  Gladiator II

Runner-Up:  A Quiet Place:  Day One

SUBSERVIENCE (2024) *** ½

Matt once again had me on as a guest for his DTC Connoisseur Podcast this week.  It was an honor to appear on this special 200th episode and talk about Subservience.  It’s a fun listen, and if you want to hear our in-depth discussion, check it out here:  https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Nwkshc42ekeFQRBgwSMlA

Megan Fox stars in the surprisingly entertaining sci-fi flick from Millennium Films.  When Maggie (Madeline Zima) is sick in the hospital, her husband Nick (Michele Morrone) needs help around the house.  He does what any man would do in a situation like that:  Purchase a sexy lifelike AI robot maid named Alice (Fox).  Before long, Alice even takes to comforting the man of the house, if you know what I mean.  Trouble brews when Maggie comes home from the hospital and Alice decides nothing is going to stand in the way of her and her new sugar daddy. 

Fox is quite good in this.  It would be an easy jab to say that she is perfectly cast as a sexy and emotionless human robot.  However, if you look closer, she’s actually doing some interesting work here.  She has no prosthetics (that I could tell) and uses her blank stare and a monotone, yet friendly voice.  Her body language and mannerisms feel synthetic too.  Like she’s almost human.  Most of the time in these kinds of movies, the robots look too human.  Fox makes you feel like she’s totally a robot, except that she’s just real enough looking that you could absentmindedly find yourself telling all your troubles to her. 

Subservience is one of those movies that wind up being just a little better than they should be as the actors all commit to their roles better than you might expect.  S.K. Dale directed the hell out of this thing.  Whether he’s giving us a Fifty Shades of Sexbot sequence or delivering a Terminator-inspired action scene, Dale manages to breathe enough life into some of the standard cliches to make them feel fresh.  I also liked the way everyone just casually accepts robots in their everyday life (the robot maid store looks just like your average IKEA) and how their banal appearance sort of even makes them look even more threatening.  Dale also directed Fox in Till Death, which based on the strength of this, I just may have to check out. 

Essentially, this feels like a SyFy Channel and Lifetime had a baby.  Think The Wrong AI Nanny.  However, it hits all the right notes and delivers what you’d want from a Megan Fox robot movie.  And more. 

AKA:  Alice.

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992) **

I saw this back in college with the intention of watching the TV show immediately afterwards.  It was such a dud that I immediately lost interest in watching the series.  Flash forward to last month when David Lynch passed away.  I decided to finally watch the original show as a tribute to him, and as it turned out, I loved it.  Afterwards, I figured I’d give Fire Walk with Me another chance.  I thought this time with the series fresh in my mind, it would change my feelings about the movie. 

Nope.  It’s still a big disappointment. 

Part of the problem with Fire Walk with Me is that it’s a prequel, and if you’ve seen the show (or at least know about it), you probably already know how it’s going to turn out.  All the buzz around who killed Laura Palmer made the show must see TV back in the day.  Watching this knowing who the killer is doesn’t help.  It also doesn’t help that it’s essentially one long death knell as we are watching the last days of a sad, broken teenage girl.  While it fills in the gaps of what happened the night Laura died, we never really learn anything about her.  Despite Sheryl Lee’s best efforts (she cries, screams, and snorts coke in nearly every scene), it’s all for naught as she’s so thinly written that she never becomes a three-dimensional character. 

Much of the problem is that it never really feels much like the show.  I know Lynch was working with a bigger canvas here, but the movie is missing the quirky charm and humor that made the show a cult hit.  The closest it comes ironically enough is in the prologue that isn’t set in Twin Peaks where FBI agents Chris Isaak and Kiefer Sutherland investigate a murder.  This stretch at least has some of the show’s peculiarity.  It doesn’t help though that Isaak literally disappears, and David Bowie is completely wasted in one scene. 

Another issue is that many characters from the show are conspicuously absent or are reduced to meaningless cameos.  Kyle MacLachlan is particularly wasted, which I guess makes sense, but it leaves you feeling shortchanged.  (His interaction with Miguel Ferrer is good though.)

Oh well, at least the first season is flawless and the second is mostly great.  Maybe I will feel different about Fire Walk with Me after I watch The Return.  I highly doubt it though. 

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

I wanted to get the results of the 18th Annual Video Vacuum Awards out before that OTHER big awards show, but as they say in Jurassic Park, “Life finds a way”.  They just don’t finish the thought.  “Life finds a way to interfere with blogging on a regular basis.”  Anyway, the votes have been tabulated, and the results are in.  Let’s start handing out some awards, shall we?

WORST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

(LOSER) Alien:  Romulus

Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

Twisters

Venom:  The Last Dance

BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

(WINNER) The First Omen

Gladiator II

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

Smile 2

Terrifier 3

WORST REMAKE

(LOSER) The Killer

Nosferatu

Possession:  Kerasuken

Salem’s Lot

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

WORST HORROR MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

(LOSER) Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

Stream

BEST HORROR MOVIE

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

(WINNER) The Substance

Terrifier 3

BEST ACTION MOVIE

(WINNER) The Beekeeper

The Fall Guy

Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga

Gladiator II

Road House

BEST ACTRESS

Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

(WINNER) Demi Moore in The Substance

Margaret Qualley in The Substance

Naomi Scott in Smile 2

Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

BEST ACTOR

Ryan Gosling in The Fall Guy

(WINNER) James McAvoy in Speak No Evil

Dennis Quaid in The Substance

Jason Statham in The Beekeeper

Denzel Washington in Gladiator II

BEST DIRECTOR

David Ayer for The Beekeeper

(WINNER) Coralie Fargeat for The Substance

Parker Finn for Smile 2

Arkasha Stevenson for The First Omen

James Watkins for Speak No Evil

WORST MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

The Killer

(LOSER) Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

BEST MOVIE

The Beekeeper

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

(WINNER) The Substance

Thanks again!  

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay, everyone.  The time is almost here.  We’re almost ready to reveal the winners of this year’s Video Vacuum Awards.  But before we do, as is the custom, we will announce the winners of the Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These are movies that are the best (or worst) in categories that had a narrow field of entrants, so technically, they are the winner.  Hence the “Technical” Awards.  And without further ado, here are your winners (and losers) …

BEST ACTRESS IN A HOT PREGNANT NUN MOVIE

(WINNER) Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

(RUNNER-UP) Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

WORST ACTION MOVIE

(LOSER) The Killer

(RUNNER-UP) Wanted Man

BEST APE MOVIE

(WINNER) Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

(RUNNER-UP) Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

BEST COMEDY

(WINNER) Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

(RUNNER-UP) Ghostbusters:  Frozen Empire

BEST COMPILATION

(WINNER) Hey Folks, It’s Intermission Time Mixtape

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

(WINNER) Joker:  Folie a Deux

(RUNNER-UP) Deadpool and Wolverine

WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

(LOSER) Madame Web

(RUNNER-UP) Venom:  The Last Dance

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

(WINNER) Road House

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

(LOSER) The Killer

(RUNNER-UP) Wanted Man

BEST DOCUMENTARY

(WINNER) Yacht Rock:  A Dockumentary

BEST DRAMA

(WINNER) Anora

(RUNNER-UP) Nightbitch

WORST DRAMA 

(LOSER) Love Lies Bleeding 

BEST HOT PREGNANT NUN MOVIE

(WINNER) The First Omen

(RUNNER-UP) Immaculate

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

(WINNER) The Fall Guy

BEST MUSICAL

(WINNER) Joker:  Folie a Deux

BEST REMAKE

(WINNER) Speak No Evil

(RUNNER-UP) Road House

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE

(WINNER) Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

(RUNNER-UP) A Quiet Place:  Day One

WORST STEPHEN KING MOVIE

(LOSER) Salem’s Lot

BEST SYDNEY SWEENEY MOVIE

(WINNER) Immaculate

WORST SYDNEY SWEENEY MOVIE

(LOSER) Madame Web

WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE

(LOSER) Nosferatu

(RUNNER-UP) Salem’s Lot

BEST WEREWOLF MOVIE

(WINNER) Werewolves 

Sit tight folks, the big show will be starting very soon!

THE TERROR OF ROME AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1964) ** ½

This was part of the “Sons of Hercules” series that played on TV in the ‘60s.  Avco Embassy Pictures imported a bunch of Italian musclemen movies for distribution, many of which featured the character of Maciste.  Since most American viewers had no idea who that was, he was rechristened the Son of Hercules.  These films were also given a cool “Sons of Hercules” theme song too as sort of a half-assed linking device, but they were all unrelated. 

For The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules, Maciste has been renamed Poseidon, but he’s not the god you remember from high school mythology class.  Poseidon (Mark Forest) is a tough gladiator who has the favor of the tyrannical Caesar.  He falls in love with a pretty Christian chick and when Caesar threatens to execute her people, Poseidon steps in to defy the emperor. 

The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules may not be the greatest toga tale in the world (it’s much more down to Earth than your average real-deal Hercules picture), but it’s certainly watchable for fans of the genre.  I liked that they kept coming up with excuses for Poseidon to get thrown back into the arena, so the fight scenes were at the very least plentiful.  Along the way, Poseidon is forced to compete in gladiator pit duels, a blindfolded knife fight, and in one scene, he even battles a gorilla!  Once he earns his freedom, he’s able to lead prison escapes and join warriors into battle against the evil Caesar.  Heck, he even gets to break some prison bars, lift heavy gates, and hurl giant stones at his enemies, just like his old man.  

It might’ve been nice if Hercules… er… Maciste… er… Poseidon had a villain worthy of the title.  Instead of the Terror of Rome, the bad guy is just an effeminate, overweight tyrant.  Not exactly terrifying if you ask me. 

All this is fun up to a point.  As a casual fan of the genre, I was mostly entertained.  It probably won’t be enough to make a believer out of non-fans of Italian muscleman cinema, but it was definitely one of the better Sons of Hercules films I’ve seen. 

AKA:  Maciste, Gladiator of Sparta.

THE FOURTH VICTIM (1971) ** ½

Scotland Yard investigates the mysterious death of Michael Craig’s wife.  Since this was the third wife Craig has lost in a row (and received a big insurance check from each one), the police are naturally suspicious and charge him with murder.  Shortly after Craig is acquitted on all charges, he meets the free-spirited Carroll Baker, who sweeps him off his feet.  After a whirlwind courtship, they are married, but Carroll quickly reveals she’s not exactly what she seems. 

Directed by Eugenio (Horror Express) Martin, The Fourth Victim is an intriguing and sporadically entertaining thriller.  Most of the suspense comes from whether Craig is actually a modern-day Bluebeard, or if he’s just cursed by bad luck.  The script is rather twisty and if you do find your attention waning, just hang in there as there’s another plot twist just around the corner. 

The set-up does drag its feet a bit.  I know they had to build up Craig’s predicament, but the film does take a while to find its footing.  Luckily, once the winning Baker shows up, she gives the movie a shot in the arm.  Too bad she disappears on and off again almost as quickly.  Craig is an okay leading man, even if he is a bit stiff and dull at times.  Marina (The Red Queen Kills Seven Times) Malfatti makes a memorable impression though as a sexy escaped mental patient who figures into the final act. 

I’ve seen The Fourth Victim listed as a giallo in some places, but that’s not really the case.  If you’re looking for stylish murder sequences, you’ll probably be disappointed as there’s a rather small body count.  In fact, you have to wait until the movie is almost over before anyone gets stabbed to death.  Honestly, it almost plays like a TV Movie of the Week from the ‘70s as the breadcrumbs of the various plot twists are parceled out so evenly that you could almost insert commercial breaks after they are revealed.  Sure, it could’ve used a bit more blood or skin, but overall, this is a decent little thriller that should appease fans of Baker. 

AKA:  The Fourth Mrs. Anderson.  AKA:  Death at the Deep End of the Swimming Pool.

SWEATER GIRLS (1978) **

Sweater Girls is a prudish teenage sex comedy directed by Don (The Forest) Jones.  Like many teenage sex comedies of the era, it’s set in the ‘50s.  However, ‘50s nostalgia can only carry you so far.  You’ve got to have a few laughs, or at least some skin in there to justify its existence.  As it turns out, those hoping for the latter will be sorely disappointed as this hews closer to American Graffiti than Porky’s.  There is a smattering of T and A, but while it’s probably enough to meet the qualifications of the genre, it won’t be enough to appease fans of the genre itself.  

A group of teenage girls are getting tired of their horndog boyfriends always trying to make it with them at the drive-in.  To get back at the boys, the form the “Sweater Girls Club”, and make a virtuous pact to “save it” for marriage.  The guys get wind of their secret meeting and set out to crash the party and rescue the gals from their virtue. 

As sex comedies go, Sweater Girls is rather tame, and it’s not exactly laugh out loud funny either.  If anything, it’s more of a hangout movie as the scenes of the clueless boyfriends playing basketball, getting drunk, and drag racing kind of ramble on and go around in circles.  In fact, it seems like the guys get just as much, if not more, screen time than the ladies in the cast, which is especially perplexing since the film is called Sweater Girls and not Drunken Teenage Guys.  (Their run-ins with a clueless cop who keeps confiscating all their beer get old real fast.)

The portions of the film that do concentrate on the gals pledging to keep their chastity aren’t exactly anything to write home about either.  The scenes of their house party are much too demure, even when the guys finally show up, chase them around and drag them fully clothed into bathtubs.  Overall, Sweater Girls is just too buttoned up to be much fun. 

DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT (1994) ***

Veronica (Angela Featherstone) is a sexy demon who grows tired of torturing and mutilating lost souls.  Eventually, the restless Veronica escapes from Hell and comes to Earth (nude) where she is promptly hit by a car.  In the hospital, her doctor (Daniel Markel) becomes smitten with Veronica, and he invites her to live with him.  Soon, Veronica uses her dark powers to punish purse snatchers and racist cops before setting out to take down the corrupt mayor. 

Written by Matthew (Freeway) Bright and directed by Linda (Inside Out) Hassani, Dark Angel:  The Ascent is one of the more ambitious projects from Charles Band’s Full Moon Features.  The brief glimpses of Hell are well realized, given the film’s low budget, and the scene where Featherstone roams around her new surroundings nude is kind of dreamy too.  After Veronica comes to Earth, things settle down a little bit.  It’s here where the film begins to feel like a prototype of a knockoff superhero movie as she uses her occult gifts to become a vigilante who prowls the city at night with her trusty dog, Hellraiser.  (The scenes where she drives people crazy by showing them glimpses of Hell are similar to the “Penance Stare” from Ghost Rider.)  The ending is a bit anticlimactic, although it’s nothing that derails the fun.  The location work is good for a laugh too as the streets of Romania look nothing like the good old US of A. 

Featherstone is really good in this, so much so that her performance is basically the whole show.  Sure, there are some gory bits like spine removing, throat slashing, and heart ripping, but her engaging deadpan and dead sexy demeanor makes it worth a look.  I especially liked the part where she takes her clueless doctor boyfriend on a date to a porno theater (shades of Taxi Driver).  Naturally, she gets all the best lines too.  My favorite was when a drunk chick started hitting on the doctor and she says, “She wanted to mingle her fluids with yours!”

AKA:  Dark Angel.

MOTHER GOOSE A GO-GO (1966) * ½

You can tell former Disney star Tommy Kirk was really trying to shed his image when he starred in this oddity.  First off, he’s billed as “Tom Kirk”.  Second, he sings the title track (which has to be heard to be believed).  Finally, the fact that much of the humor revolves around sex (or the lack thereof), which is something you definitely wouldn’t see in one of his Disney films (although it’s all quite tame).  More interestingly is the fact that the closeted Kirk is trying really hard to project a hetero image and not exactly succeeding.  (Although that’s probably difficult to do in a movie about a man who can’t consummate his marriage.)

Another odd thing about Mother Goose a Go-Go is the fact that it’s the only movie written and directed by Jack H. Harris, a man mostly known for producing and/or “presenting” sci-fi classics like The Blob, Schlock, and Dark Star.  Harris obviously had a keen eye for talent and his own unique sense of showmanship.  However, as painfully evidenced here, he clearly was not an auteur. 

Kirk marries Anne (The Magic Sword) Helm.  On their wedding night, he slips into a catatonic state when she reads from a book of nursery rhymes.  He goes to see a sexy shrink (Danica D’hondt) who gives him psychedelics to find the root of the problem.  Meanwhile, Anne goes and cries on the shoulder of suave concierge Jacques (The Hypnotic Eye) Bergerac while the doc tries to make time with Tommy. 

The comedy shit is painfully unfunny and involves fast motion segments, random dinosaur footage (this is a Jack H. Harris movie after all), gratuitous freeze-frames, and an irritating detective character who keeps popping up at inopportune times.  The storybook recreations (Little Red Riding hood, Snow White, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears) resemble a bad high school play.  (Well, D’hondt’s Goldilocks get-up looks like something out of a nudist movie, but you get the idea.)  You know it’s a dumb movie because nobody ever brings up the fact that Mother Goose told nursery rhymes like Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater, Jack Be Nimble, and shit like that, whereas the stories that set Kirk off are more in the vein of the Brothers Grimm.  So, it really should’ve been called Brothers Grimm a Go-Go.  Argh. 

I did like the part where Kirk shouts, “I have all the warmth and charm of the Blob!”  (Yes, you can definitely tell Harris wrote this.)

I enjoy bad movies more than most people.  I will say this is definitely one of the strangest bad movies I have seen in some time.  I mean who the Hell was this made for?  Only Jack H. Harris knows for sure. 

Bottom Line:  It’s not “good” in any way, shape, or form, but it’s certainly recommended for bad movie fans who think they’ve seen it all. 

AKA:  Unkissed Bride.

SHAOLIN DRUNKEN MONK (1981) ***

Shaolin Drunken Monk begins with Gordon Lui practicing Kung Fu in front of a waterfall, and more movies should start with Gordon Lui practicing Kung Fu in front of a waterfall, if you ask me.  Anyway, Gordon is a badass who has kidnapped a warlord’s daughter.  Nobody knows his name, so they just call him “The Bald-Headed Man”, which first of all, is rude as Hell.  I for one won’t sit still for any follicle shaming.  So, I say, go get ‘em, Gordon!  Meanwhile, a one-armed guy is running around killing people too. 

Things start off like gangbusters, but the pacing starts to drag once the longwinded flashback that explains everyone’s motivations takes over the narrative.  I’m not saying this stretch of the film is necessarily bad.  It’s just that it lacks the fun of the nonstop scenes of Lui kicking ass.  The tragic out-of-left-field ending doesn’t quite stick the landing, either.  At least the running time is a tight seventy-five minutes. 

Even when the story stalls, there are still plenty of amusing bits to keep you entertained, like when Gordon’s teacher gets him drunk in order to practice drunken Kung Fu or when he uses his martial arts prowess to do the dishes.  The many training montages are also amusing thanks to Lui’s unorthodox fighting methods.  Other highlights include Lui doing battle with a guy who throws a razor-sharp boomerang, the one-armed guy fighting off a bunch of dudes in a restaurant, and a nutty scene where Lui uses a method of karate than can only be described as “Effeminate Fu” to flummox his opponent. 

Gordon also does a badass move where he jumps high in the air, gets into the lotus sitting position in midair, and then lands on the bad guy.  Imagine if Super Mario was a yoga instructor, and that will give you an idea of the level of awesomeness we’re talking about here. All in all, Shaolin Drunken Monk is a fun time.  Any fan of Lui worth their salt ought to check it out. 

AKA:  The 36th Chamber:  The Final Encounter.  AKA:  Kung Fu Warrior.  AKA:  The Drunken Monk.

DETOUR (1999) * ½

Jeff Fahey and James Russo are thieves who are double crossed by sleazy Gary Busey in this dull crime thriller.  Jeff decides to lay low back in his hometown till the heat cools off.  He soon learns his mom died and if he wants a piece of the will, he’s got to make a go at being a dairy farmer.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before the gangsters come looking for the loot. 

Directed by Joey Travolta, Detour has a great cast including Michael Madsen, Tim Thomerson, and even Evan Rachel Wood in an early role.  Despite the copious amount of talent involved, it still winds up being a perplexing dud.  I think it would be easy (or just plain lazy) to put the blame on Joey Travolta because… well… he’s Joey Travolta.  However, he’s really not a bad director, as anyone who’s ever seen Hard Vice can attest. 

The big problem is with the screenplay by Raymond Martino and William Stroum, who also wrote To the Limit, the Anna Nicole Smith actioner that also co-starred Travolta.  The screenplay really twiddles its thumbs in the second act.  It’s here where Fahey reconnects with the family and friends he left behind while taking ownership of the family farm.  This is like some shit you’d see on the Great American Family Channel at 2 PM on a Tuesday while waiting in the doctor’s office.  The gratuitous farming montage is especially hard to take, as is the excessive parade footage.  The soundtrack is pretty intrusive too as it goes from hard rock to fake Tom Petty to knock-off Lilith Fair shit, seemingly on a dime.  Things do heat up in the finale when there are shootouts and explosions aplenty, but it’s all wrapped up so abruptly and conveniently that it’ll make your head spin in disbelief. 

The most disappointing thing about Detour is how it manages to waste its cast.  Fahey scowls and cusses, but his character arc is flimsy and predictable.  Madsen isn’t given much to do but act grumpy.  The same can be said for Russo, who’s pretty used to these thankless tough guy roles.  At least Busey seems to be having fun as the crooked money man, although he’s killed off too early to make much of an impression.  Joey was also able to get his sister Ellen to do a cameo.  (I guess John didn’t return his phone calls though.)

AKA:  Roadblock.  AKA:  Too Hard to Die.

OUIJA SHARK 2: OUIJA SHARK VS. TAROT GATOR (2022) **

After a quick wrap-up of the first film, we learn that Anthony, the hero from the first movie (writer/director John Migliore) is now trapped in the afterlife where he routinely gets into Doctor Strange-style magic battles with guys who wear gorilla suits and cheap oversized sunglasses.  Meanwhile, the evil Caldura (Simon Wheeldon) spends his time watching Ouija Shark devour bikini clad women.  Back in the real world, Anthony’s wife, Cressida (Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith) is frantically trying to find a way to bring him back to life.  When Ouija Shark breaks out of the underworld, Anthony must call upon his spirit animal, Tarot Gator to save the world. 

I enjoyed the first Ouija Shark more than anyone with half a brain probably should have.  (I guess it all depends on which half of your brain you’re missing.)  So, I figured I’d give this sequel a go.  I was surprised as anyone to learn about the awesome subtitle, “Ouija Shark vs. Tarot Gator” that pops up in the opening credits sequence as it was definitely not listed as such on any of the streaming sites, or on IMDb for that matter.  Had I known that was indeed the full title, I would’ve watched it much sooner. 

The first one worked because it took the bare bones of your typical shark flick, infused it with your average Ouija movie, and just ran with the goofiness.  This one has an anything goes type of kitchen sink mentality, which is admirable.  It’s just that the misses far outweigh the hits.  It’s one thing when it’s copying Doctor Strange.  It’s another when it’s ripping off Return of the Jedi.  Oh, and did we really need to see the devil guy performing a song and dance number? 

I will say there is a noticeable uptick in fun once Ouija Shark leaves Hell, turns into a kaiju, and stomps on a city.  I just wish it didn’t take so long for Tarot Gator to enter the fracas.  At least their final battle is amusing.  You know, if watching hand puppets shooting fireballs and bolts of lightning at each other is your cup of tea. 

Maybe I’m just a man of simple tastes, but the original worked for me mostly because it had a ghost shark eating babes in bikinis.  Sure, there’s some of that here, but ultimately there’s too much wimpy warlock shit that gets in the way of the fun.  Now that I think of it, a more cohesive plot might’ve helped too.  Not to mention some funny jokes.  Quibbles aside, Ouija Shark 2 is far from the worst shark movie I’ve seen.  That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement, but for a select few, that will be all you need to hear to check it out. 

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS (1971) ***

Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things is an almost indescribable experience, but I’ll do my best to describe it.  You’d think with a title like that, it would be one of those “hag horror” films like Hush… Hush… Sweet Charlotte or What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, but you’d be wrong.  It’s more of a gay crime melodrama.  Imagine if Andy Milligan made movies in sunny Miami instead of Staten Island.  That almost does it justice.  Almost. 

Paul (Abe Zwick in his first and last credited role) and Stanley (Wayne Crawford, making his debut) are lovers on the run from the law.  They flee Baltimore and hide out in Miami where Paul dresses up in drag and poses as Stanley’s Aunt Martha.  He also gets extremely agitated whenever Stanley threatens to blow their cover.  As “Aunt Martha”, he wigs out (no pun intended) whenever he catches Stanley making time with women and kills off his prospective lovers.  Tensions begin to boil over when a junkie pal named Hubert (Don Craig) shows up snooping around for the pair’s loot of stolen jewels. 

Very few people were making gay-themed exploitation flicks like this in the early ‘70s.  Heck, I don’t think anyone ever made them quite like this.  (Don’t worry.  There’s a decent amount of female T & A, murder, and gruesome shocks sprinkled about to appease every kind of exploitation fan, regardless of your sexual preference.)  It has an oddball kookiness about it that is hard to deny.  It’s certainly a one-of-a-kind experience, that’s for sure.  This was the first and only directorial effort by Tom Casey, who also wrote the incredible Flesh Feast.  Maybe Casey realized Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things was going to be one tough act to follow so he quit while he was ahead. 

Zwick and Crawford are memorable in the lead roles.  They have a screwy chemistry together and the scenes of them playing house have an off-kilter Odd Couple vibe to them.  Also, be on the lookout for none other than Brad F. (Blood Freak) Grinter and William (Blood Feast) Kerwin, who show up late in the film as detectives. 

AKA:  Damn You, Aunt Martha.  AKA:  Aunt Martha.

GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD (1982) *

When I was a kid, the video box for Good-Bye Cruel World scared the shit out of me.  I had no idea what it was about, but the image of a hand coming out of a toilet was enough to instill fear in little Mitchie.  Now that I finally have seen it, the only thing scary about it is how bad it is. 

Good-Bye Cruel World has an admittedly cool gimmick of being filmed in “Choice-A-Rama” where the audience can choose what happens next.  However, it’s all obviously rigged.  While initially amusing, these scenes wear out their welcome fast and eventually reveal their true purpose:  To pad out the running time.  The only good part is when Angelique Pettyjohn performs a striptease dressed as a nun.  Other than that, the gimmick gets old quick. 

Dick (Angel) Shawn is a news anchor who has an on-air breakdown.  He then decides to commit suicide, but before that, he sets out to make a documentary about his life.  Along the way, there are Kentucky Fried Movie-style commercial spoofs (Sledgehammer creator Alan Spencer appears as Norman Bates for “Psycho Soap”), fake movie trailers (An Officer and an Elephant Man), and news reports, most of which are painfully unfunny. 

Directed by David (C.H.U.D. 2:  Bud the C.H.U.D.) Irving, Amy Irving’s brother and Steven Spielberg’s former brother in-law (there’s an E.T. joke), it’s basically a mess from start to finish.  Whenever Shawn’s story threatens to gain any momentum, the Choice-A-Rama guy will pop up or the fake commercials intrude and take the wind out of the movie’s sails.  A funny film could’ve been made about suicide.  (Just watch Burt Reynolds’ The End.)  However, it just seems like all involved didn’t have enough confidence in the material and cheapened everything with all the useless fake commercials instead.  The ending is really stupid too, as it’s a total cop-out, which makes the whole enterprise even more infuriating. 

Co-starring Priscilla Pointer (the director’s mother), Chuck (Porky’s) Mitchell, and Darrell (Men at Work) Larsen as Shawn’s family. 

AKA:  S.L.U.R.P.  AKA:  Up the World.

STAR TREK: SECTION 31 (2025) **

Although I really enjoy the Star Trek movies, I don’t really keep up with the TV shows.  I’ve only seen about half of the original series, a handful of episodes of The Next Generation, some of Enterprise, and absolutely nada of Deep Space Nine.  In fact, since the advent of Paramount+, I hadn’t even bothered keeping up with the (too many) Trek shows they have been churning out.  Heck, I wasn’t even going to watch this new Trek movie, mostly because I really have no frame of reference.  All I knew is that it stars Michelle Yeoh who played the Captain on Discovery.  However, when the abysmal reviews started circling, it piqued my interest.  More than one person exclaimed it was “The worst thing ever to come out bearing the Star Trek name”.  Then, I got REAL interested. 

I always take the IMDb ratings with a grain of salt, but when I saw this had a 3.8, I knew I had to check it out.  For reference, the universally hated (although I like it) Star Trek V has a 5.5.  As a fan of bad movies, that sold me.  It was time to bold go where no Star Trek movie ever went before.  Straight to streaming. 

Emperor Philippa Georgiou (Yeoh) is hanging out on the edge of the galaxy.  Alok, a hardass from Section 31 (Omari Hardwick, looking like the Great Value version of Common) lures her back for one last mission.  Together, they have to steal a top-secret weapon.  Naturally, things go south, the weapon falls into the wrong hands, and it’s up to their team to get it back 

Basically, Section 31 is like the Star Trek version of Guardians of the Galaxy with its ragtag group of misfits pulling off a heist.  Sadly, none of the characters are memorable and most of them feel like slight rewrites of shit we’ve seen in Trek over the decades.  Right from the lazy set-up that feels like a mission debriefing in a video game, you know it’s going to be rough going.  It seems to be going for a hip kind of mood.  Like if you asked AI to imagine that Tarantino Star Trek movie that never got off the ground.  The music during Yeoh’s introduction sounds like a slight reworking of “Battle Without Honor or Humanity”, and the rewinding of past events and/or planned heists is obnoxious.  The useless camera zoom ins and outs during the action bits are annoying too and feel like something out of a bad ‘00s action flick. 

I knew I was in trouble when I saw Olatunde Osunsanmi as the director.  He’s the guy who made the crushingly bad fake UFO abduction movie, The Fourth Kind. If you’ve never seen that flick, consider yourself lucky.  This isn’t quite as bad, but it is easily the worst feature-length Trek flick. 

The performances are a mixed bag.  The only bright spot is Humberly Gonzalez, who plays the sexy, bald Deltan, but unfortunately, she doesn’t stick around for long.  As much as I wanted to like Yeoh in this, her character is frustrating as she seesaws from stereotypical Dragon Lady to miserable looking boss bitch.  As a fan of Yeoh, I have to say this isn’t the best use of her talents. 

Fortunately, after a rather dreadful half-hour, the film finds its footing and becomes, at the very least, watchable.  The best stretch is the second act when the group try to snuff out a mole who is sabotaging their mission.  These scenes are competently put together.  However, you know you’re in trouble when you’re fainting praising basic competency in a Star Trek movie. 

So yeah, the internet didn’t lie.  I don’t think I hated it as much as the fanboys did, but it certainly is the worst Star Trek movie by a fair margin.  Even the weakest of the theatrical films were still pretty good and felt like honest to God iterations of Star Trek.  Section 31 is quite removed from Gene Roddenberry’s original vision.  There’s no sense of wonder, exploration, and adventure.  Instead, it’s just a lot of cheap action, mindless quips, and incoherent plotting.  If you enough reading Firefly fan fiction, you’ll probably eat it up. 

WOLF MAN (2025) * ½

After royally fucking up The Invisible Man, I’m surprised Universal was dumb enough to let writer/director Leigh Whannell tackle another one of their beloved monster properties.  As with The Invisible Man, Whannell shows he would rather do his own riff on the classic monsters without really honoring what came before.  It’s like he feels carte blanche to make up his own shit while remaining confident that people will still see it based on the brand name alone.  However, in doing so, he just reinforces the obvious fact that he doesn’t have a clue as to what made the original monsters so special in the first place. 

Blake Lovell (Christopher Abbott) is a writer who brings his wife (Julia Garner) and kid (Matilda Firth) back to his family home in the backwoods of Oregon.  When he is wounded by a deranged animal man, Blake slowly becomes sick.  Eventually, he turns into a monster and comes after his family. 

I will say Wolf Man is a slight improvement over Whannell’s The Invisible Man redo, although that’s not saying a helluva lot.  Whannell does deliver at least one moderately suspenseful sequence (the car accident scene), but for the most part, he spends too much of the movie twiddling his thumbs when he should be delivering the goods.  I will say I liked the family’s name. 

Ultimately, it all just feels hackneyed and lame.  First of all, the Wolf Man design is terrible.  This might be the first Wolf Man in history who gets LESS hairy as he transforms.  In fact, he kind of looks like the elf from Elves.  I’m not kidding.  Where’s Jack Pierce and Rick Baker when you need them?

It also hurts the film that he transforms so slowly.  Not only does it rob us of a cool transformation scene, it gives Abbott nothing to work with.  He loses his ability to speak halfway through and his grunting and growling does little to help convey his predicament to the audience. 

Speaking of acting, the leads are rather bland and have zero chemistry.  In every scene it feels like they’re actors who just met and are performing a scene together for the first time as there is absolutely no connection between them.  It doesn’t help that the dialogue among the family members often sounds like something out of a group therapy session. 

The ending is the pits too.  Not only is it among the worst conclusions to a werewolf movie ever captured on film, it has to be one of the most anticlimactic endings in a major studio release in some time.  In short, this Wolf Man is nothing to howl about. 

LASH LA RUE: A MAN AND HIS MEMORIES: FRIENDSHIP LASTS FOREVER (1992) **

Back in the early days of westerns, famous cowboy star Lash La Rue was the “King of the Bullwhip” (long before Indiana Jones made it fashionable).  Since he also appeared in a handful of the Ormond family’s films, he was able to get Tim Ormond to direct this look back at his life and career. 

Let’s face it, this is a fluff piece/vanity project.  It’s also just this side of professional looking as it often resembles a public access TV show.  However, if you’re a fan of Lash or the Ormonds in general, it will go down a lot smoother.  I mean, what kind of a director but a longtime friend of the family would let La Rue read his poetry on camera?  It’s that level of oddness that makes this an Ormond joint through and through.  (Lash talks a little about God and stuff at the end, which also fits right in with the Ormond’s later religious pictures.)

Throughout the interview, Lash reminisces about Hollywood, his old sidekick Fuzzy St. John, learning how to use his trademark bullwhip, and his trusty horse, Diamond.  Of course, there are also plenty of clips from his movies.  (Mostly his westerns, but also some of his work for the Ormonds like Please Don’t Touch Me and A Tribute to Houdini.)  There’s also a look at his “video comics”, which are kind of ahead of their time.  Tim’s mother, June Carr Ormond is also interviewed and appears in clips from the La Rue oater, Son of Billy the Kid, which was written by her husband, Ron.  (She even has her own standalone interview segment near the end of the film where she talks about marrying Ron, making dinner for Bela Lugosi, and even some of her movies.)

It has not one, but two subtitles, A Man and His Memories and Friendship Lasts Forever.  A real documentarian would’ve probably picked one or the other.  Again, it’s oddball touches like that that has made wading through the Ormond family Blu Ray box set so much fun. 

AKA:  Lash La Rue:  A Man and His Memories.  AKA:  Lash La Rue:  Friendship Lasts Forever.  AKA:  Lash La Rue:  Friendship Lasts Forever Vol. 1.

A TRIBUTE TO HOUDINI (1987) **

Ron (The Monster and the Stripper) Ormond’s son, Tim directed this hour-long oddity which is more or less a fluff piece on magician John Calvert.  After a brief (and very ‘80s) title sequence, there’s a montage of images of Houdini.  Then Calvert shows up in a museum of magic performing escape artist tricks for two cops.  Later, he drives a speedboat and even flies a plane with his eyes duct taped shut. 

Halfway through, it switches gears and becomes a filmed performance of one of Calvert’s stage shows.  The best part is a Frankenstein-inspired gag where Calvert cuts a guy’s head off with a buzzsaw!  For the most part though, the tricks are kind of lame.  At least he has a bevy of beautiful magician assistants who are all easy on the eyes, which helps a bit. 

If you like dated magic acts, you may enjoy it.  The title is a bit misleading though as its focus is on Calvert and Houdini is mostly just mentioned in passing.  The film does suffer from a sharp drop in picture quality as it goes from being shot on film to shot on video for some sequences.  The filmed bits are more fun, even if they look phony and staged.  (The scene where he hypnotizes a cop looks like something out of a horror movie.)  You also have to sit through long archival footage of Calvert performing magic on the Red Skelton Show where he saws Red in half. 

While this may seem at first like an odd thing for Tim to make, it makes sense when you realize Ormond is merely continuing the family legacy of filming stage acts like Varieties on Parade and Forty Acre Feud.  Not to mention the family’s long-running interest in hypnotism, as seen in Please Don’t Touch Me.  Also, Calvert appeared in a couple of the Ormond’s films, so Tim was probably helping out a family pal when he agreed to direct this.  (Ormond family friend Lash La Rue also appears for a filmed segment.)

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

Okay folks, I finally got caught up on watching (most) of the 2024 releases, so now I feel content on announcing the nominees for the 18th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  This was a terrific year overall in terms of acting, horror, and action, so the competition is going to be as fierce as it’s ever been.  I plan to announce the winners sometime before that OTHER big awards ceremony happens.  Till then, here are your nominees for this year’s Video Vacuum Awards:

BEST MOVIE

The Beekeeper

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

The Substance

WORST MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

The Killer

Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

BEST DIRECTOR

David Ayer for The Beekeeper

Coralie Fargeat for The Substance

Parker Finn for Smile 2

Arkasha Stevenson for The First Omen

James Watkins for Speak No Evil

BEST ACTOR

Ryan Gosling in The Fall Guy

James McAvoy in Speak No Evil

Dennis Quaid in The Substance

Jason Statham in The Beekeeper

Denzel Washington in Gladiator II

BEST ACTRESS

Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

Demi Moore in The Substance

Margaret Qualley in The Substance

Naomi Scott in Smile 2

Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

BEST ACTION MOVIE

The Beekeeper

The Fall Guy

Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga

Gladiator II

Road House

BEST HORROR MOVIE

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

The Substance

Terrifier 3

WORST HORROR MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

Stream

WORST REMAKE

The Killer

Nosferatu

Possession:  Kerasuken

Salem’s Lot

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

The First Omen

Gladiator II

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

Smile 2

Terrifier 3

WORST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

Alien:  Romulus

Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

Twisters

Venom:  The Last Dance

Stay tuned!  The winners will be announced in the next two weeks or so!

THE KINDRED (1987) *** ½

We have all heard of Chekhov’s Gun which states if a gun is introduced in the first act it must be fired before the end of the movie.  The Kindred introduces a new addition to the theory:  Chekhov’s Watermelon.  This principle states that if you feature excessive shots of a watermelon in the first act, a slimy tentacle monster must burst out of it at some point in the film. 

Kim Hunter is a scientist who dies of a heart attack and leaves her house to her son, David Allen Brooks.  Soon after, he brings all his scientist crony friends to the place to continue his mother’s experiments.  From there, it doesn’t take long before he comes face to face with his “brother”, a mutant octopus baby that’s ready to tear through the group like an All You Can Eat Buffet. 

Helmed by the directing team of Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (The Dorm That Dripped Blood), The Kindred is a good old fashioned ‘80s shocker.  It’s filled with mutant babies, tentacle attacks, fish people transformations, and thousands of gallons of goo, slime, and glop being tossed around.  The special effects are slimy and effective.  The monster is very cool, and the way the creature burrows its appendages into its victims will get under your skin (and theirs).  The screenplay (which was co-written by Psycho’s Joseph Stefano) is full of surprises as you’re never quite sure where the monster will strike (or look like) next. 

Brooks is a solid leading man for this sort of thing and Talia Balsam (daughter of Martin and ex-wife of George Clooney) makes for a fine Final Girl.  I also enjoyed Amanda (Leviathan) Pays’ performance as a sexy British scientist who’s keeping a pretty wild secret.  It’s Rod Steiger (sporting a terrible wig) who takes the acting honors as an evil rival who comes snooping around the house.  If you’re the kind of person who loves seeing former Oscar winners having buckets of KY Jelly dumped on them, then you and The Kindred will be kindred spirits. 

AKA:  Anthony.

KRAVEN THE HUNTER (2024) ** ½

Here’s yet another attempt by Sony to drain every last dime they can from their Spider-Man adjacent properties.  Thanks to the diminishing returns of Morbius, Madame Web, and now Kraven the Hunter, my Spider-Sense tells me this may be their last pseudo-Spidey venture for a while. 

Like the other live-action Sony Spider-Verse movies, the filmmakers take a traditional Marvel villain and spin them into more of an antihero.  This one makes the most sense as they take Kraven, a man known for hunting big game in the comics and flip the script, so he now defends wildlife from illegal poachers and big game hunters.  While it’s not the worst rewrite in the world, the whole thing just feels like it was made from a financial necessity rather than an artistic one. 

Kraven (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is the son of a slimy Russian gangster (Russell Crowe).  As a boy, he was mauled by a lion and thanks to a drop of supernatural lion blood and a bit of black magic, he gained heightened animalistic senses, strength, and cunning.  Kraven sets out to stop and kill a group of hunters who are part of an international crime syndicate.  Naturally, they make a big mistake when they kidnap Kraven’s brother. 

Say what you will about Venom:  The Last Dance, but at least it was short.  (It was only ninety minutes if you didn’t count the credits and post-credits scenes).  This one clocks in at over two hours, and it has a hard time justifying the overlength. The flashback of Kraven’s origin story is particularly longwinded. 

Fortunately, all this is at least moderately entertaining whenever it does find its footing.  It's also more competently put together than either Morbius or Madame Web.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but I think that comes from having a real director (A Most Violent Year’s J.C. Chandor) at the helm.  The R rating means it’s at least bloodier than either of those movies too. 

Taylor-Johnson equips himself well enough in the role.  He’s younger than his comics counterpart, but he carries his air of arrogance and swagger as much as could be expected.  While Crowe stops short of chewing the scenery, he injects a little bit of life into the film whenever he shows up.  Alessandro Nivola is fine as the main villain, The Rhino, but the fact that he wears a backpack that turns him into a monster is cheesy as fuck. 

VENOM: THE LAST DANCE (2024) **

Tom Hardy returns for this third and presumably final go around as Eddie Brock, the host to everybody’s favorite symbiotic superhero, Venom.  This time, Eddie’s on his way to New York when he learns symbiote hunters (giant CGI cockroaches) are coming to Earth to kill him.  Also tracking him is a group of scientists who want to study Venom. It all leads to the final showdown at Area 51. 

The first Venom was better than it had any right to be.  The second one was fun, but the formula was already showing some signs of wear and tear.  With The Last Dance, it feels like the wheels are starting to really come off.  Hardy is game for anything, and remains as spry as ever, which helps somewhat.  It’s just that the movie he inhabits is tired and half baked.  There are some good individual scenes too, like when Venom busts up an illegal dogfighting ring or possesses a horse or cuts a rug to “Dancing Queen”.  It’s just a shame that they feel more like footnotes than highlights. 

Maybe the problem was with the director, Kelly Marcel, who was making her directing debut.  She wrote all three films in the series, so you would think the writing would at least be sharp, even if the direction was lackluster (which it is).  However, the script is just as uninspired as the direction.  As a result, this is by far the weakest entry in the franchise.  If this was indeed meant to be a trilogy capper, it sure seems like an odd way to go about it as the whole thing feels like everyone involved was just making it up as they went along. 

Michelle Williams’ absence is sorely felt this time around and the new supporting cast is mostly wasted.  Chiwetel Eiiofor is grumpy as the solider tracking Venom and Juno Temple is woefully underutilized as a scientist in Area 51.  The second movie’s director, Andy Serkis also appears as an alien baddie, but we don’t see a whole lot of him, so he winds up not making much of an impact.  As uneven as the last one was, at least it had a strong central villain in the form of Carnage.  Since Serkis spends all his time on his throne moping, all we really have are a bunch of generic monsters to tide us over.  They aren’t even well designed either as they just look like variations on the pit monsters from Attack of the Clones. 

Bottom Line:  Even people who enjoyed the first two Venom movies may want to sit The Last Dance out. 

TRAP (2024) **

As you all are probably well aware, I am not the world’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan.  However, like the rat that keeps receiving electric shocks every time he goes to take the cheese, I keep at it, hoping for some cheesy goodness and only receiving pain for my troubles.  I will say this one isn’t so terribly bad, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement to be sure.  It’s just that when it goes off the rails, it crashes and burns so badly that it essentially nullifies the solid moments that occurred before everything turned to shit.

Josh Hartnett is taking his kid to a concert.  Eventually, he learns the arena is slowly being surrounded by cops and FBI agents who are hoping to trap a serial killer named “The Butcher”.  Since he is in actuality, said serial killer, he looks for any way to escape, without hopefully ruining his daughter’s night. 

The set-up is kind of fun if you don’t think about it too much.  I mean, the cops’ big plan is to lock down an entire arena full of tens of thousands of people in hopes of finding one nondescript white dude?  Come on. 

Most of the amusement comes from the squirrelly way Hartnett tries to outsmart the cops.  Using his serial killer charm and good looks, he’s able to gain access to unauthorized areas just by being a nice guy.  The smug look on his face when he gets one over on vendors, policemen, and stagehands who allow him to roam free inside the building is often good for a laugh. 

This is probably Hartnett’s best performance.  He isn’t exactly known for being the most expressive actor in the world, but that suits him nicely here.  His banal personality is just right for a serial killer who is trying to act like a normal guy.  His little eyebrow raises suggest something sinister lurking just beneath the surface and the look of panic on his face when he feels the cops getting closer is just expressive enough to let the audience know he knows he’s in trouble, but not enough to alert the other characters.  

It was also nice to see Hayley (That Darn Cat!) Mills in this.  She plays the FBI profiler trying to capture the loving father/serial killer.  I guess if anyone could set a parent trap, it’s Hayley Mills.

The way Shyamalan forces himself on the audience in his gratuitous cameos always seems to take me out of his movies.  He has another cameo here, but it’s not nearly as egregious as the role he gave his daughter, Saleka Night Shyamalan.  She plays the pop singer at the concert, and so much screen time is given to her performances that I have to wonder if M. Night made this as a vehicle for her first and foremost and then worked the serial killer plot around the music numbers. Either way, the gratuitous nepo baby energy takes something out of the film’s sails.  (It wouldn’t have been so egregious if she didn’t have her own credit, “Original Songs Written, Produced and Performed by Saleka Night Shyamalan” in the opening credits sequence.)

Had the film remained at the arena, it might’ve been a nice little cat and mouse thriller.  It’s in the third act where things really shit the bed once the action shifts to the city.  Unfortunately, this is also the stretch of the film where it stops being a vehicle for Shyamalan’s kid’s music career and becomes a showcase for her acting ability (or more accurately, her lack thereof).  I may have been able to excuse the gratuitous way he shoehorned her music into the movie.  It just really becomes hard to take when he tries to make her the heroine of the piece late in the game.  If Shyamalan was content to let Hartnett do his thing, Trap may have worked.  It’s when it turns into a blatant vehicle for his daughter that it comes to a crashing halt.