HATCHING (2022) ****

A woman (Sophia Heilkila) is obsessed with her video blog showcasing her idyllic family.  After her young daughter Tinja (Siliri Solalinna) mercy kills a wounded bird, she brings its egg back home and tries to hatch it.  The egg grows exponentially and when it finally cracks open, a giant cute bird monster comes out.  The bird imprints itself on Tinja, who soon learns that motherhood isn’t all it’s… uh… cracked up to be.  In fact, it’s fucking disgusting. 

To reveal any more would do potential viewers a massive disservice.  One of the joys of Hatching is the way it dekes and dodges your expectations.  Its willingness to “go there” time and again also gives it the juice most Hollywood thrillers only dream of.  (It was a Finnish production.)

Hatching is one heck of a debut for writer/director Hanna Bergholm.  I especially liked the way she slowly draws the curtain back on the family’s life to reveal it’s not the picture-perfect existence the mother portrays online.  Not only that, but the way Bergholm contrasts Tinja’s mothering skills to that of her mom’s is downright savage.  While Tinja doesn’t shy away from the messier aspects of being a mom (like cleaning up all kinds of gross crap her “baby” leaves behind), her mother is “hands off” and “very online”. 

Now you may have preconceived notions about what a movie involving a young girl raising a bird monster should look like.  You’re probably thinking it’s going to be some Mac and Me bullshit or something.  Let me tell you something folks, this movie is deranged.  It fluctuates from cutesy stuff (like Tinja giving the bird a bath) to repugnant lunacy (the bird decapitates the neighbor’s dog) and you never know quite what you’re in for from scene to scene. 

You all know me.  You know how I earn my living.  You know I’ve been watching fucked up insane shit for decades with a cast iron stomach.  This may be the first time I ever dry-heaved while watching a movie.  I didn’t vomit, but I kinda wished I had a barf bag on hand just in case.  I won’t spoil it for you.  All I’ll say is that it’s going to be a long time before I feed a bird. 

If nearly making a dyed in the wool gorehound almost upchuck isn’t a recommendation, I don’t know what is. 

CROCODYLUS: MATING SEASON (2023) ****

Locals tell tales of the legendary “Crocodylus” that roams a lake in Florida.  Meanwhile, Allie (Rachel Comeau) contacts a sleazy detective (Chuck Fusca) to find her missing brother.  Seems he was dying of cancer and took an experimental drug laced with crocodile DNA and then suddenly disappeared.  Gee… do you think he could’ve turned into a crocodile man and gone on a rampage? 

Apparently, this is a sequel to Crocodylus, a movie I hadn’t seen before.  Luckily, there’s enough exposition by the characters that made me feel sufficiently caught up on things.  I mean, I guess I could’ve gone ahead and watched the first film beforehand, but I’m the kind of guy who sees the words “Mating Season” in the title of a creature feature and immediately hits PLAY on that sucker. 

I wasn’t expecting this to be so much fun, but it really is a breath of fresh air.  After so many SyFy Channel movies featuring shoddy CGI, it’s refreshing to find one where the monster looks like it came out of a Roger Corman movie… from the ‘50s.  (Actually, it looks like a pretty close replica of the monster from Track of the Moon Beast.)  It still contains all the green-tinted POV shots you’d expect from something like this, but Mating Season also has the novelty of including “Mouth Cam” during a scene where some swimmers are eaten. 

It’s also nice when one of these things doesn’t take itself too seriously.  It has some genuinely funny moments and memorable characters too.  From the boat captain who dresses and talks like a pirate to the down-on-his-luck private eye (who has a Jedi training certificate hanging in his office), nearly everyone in the cast is fun to watch.  Usually, with something like this, you’re laughing at how bad it is.  I was pleasantly shocked to find so many laugh-out-loud gags and gut-busting moments.  (Like the lovemaking scene between the two leads or when the monster interrupts a guy putting suntan lotion on a girl’s back.)  Sure, not all the jokes land, and it probably could’ve stood to be seventy-five minutes instead of eighty-five.  That in no way detracts from the fun.

So, if you like monster movies that take themselves way too seriously and are full of unnecessary CGI, then steer clear of Crocodylus:  Mating Season.  However, if you’re looking for a creature feature with a Zucker Brothers sense of humor and knowingly silly make-up and effects, you’re going to love it.  It’s one of the best of its kind and a certified modern classic. 

WATCHER (2022) **

Julia (Maika Monroe from Longlegs) is an American gal who moves to Romania with her husband (Karl Glusman).  Since he’s at work all day and she doesn’t speak Romanian, Julia mostly just hangs around her apartment all by herself.  Before long, she notices a man obsessively watching her from the apartment across the street.  She soon starts to suspect that her nosy neighbor just may be a local serial killer known as “The Spider”, who decapitates women.  Naturally, nobody believes her.  Is he really a killer, or it is all in her mind?

Most times when movies are made in Romania, the filmmakers bend over backwards to make you believe the action is actually taking place in America.  Very few films lean into their Romanian surroundings, so that at the very least, makes Watcher seem somewhat novel.  Speaking of novelties, we get a pretty good scene set inside a museum-turned-strip club where all the dancers strip behind glass cases.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen that before.

Since Monroe is a firmly established Scream Queen, we know she can act paranoid and scared.  However, she also does a good job of conveying her character’s sense of isolation and loneliness in the early going of the film.  Sadly, her performance is pretty much the whole show in this one. 

While the movie contains a few merits, it ultimately fails as a thriller.  That’s mostly due to the fact that the majority of the film is comprised of the watcher watching Monroe or Monroe watching the watcher.  I have to be honest:  Watching people watching other people can get a little tedious after a while.  It’s also one of those thrillers where you’re forced to wait until the final reel before something really happens, and when it finally does, it’s lackluster and anticlimactic. 

Unless you’re a fan of Monroe, then it’s probably hard to justify watching Watcher. 

THE INHERITANCE (2024) ** ½

Bob Gunton stars as a reclusive billionaire who invites his estranged children to his sprawling mansion under the auspices of celebrating his 75th birthday.  Once the clan has arrived, he tells them the real reason they’ve been drawn together:  Someone has put a hit out on him, and the deadline for the execution is midnight.  If his brood fails to stop the unknown assassin, they will all be effectively cut out of the will.  If, however, he manages to survive, his children may claim their hefty inheritance. 

This sort of set-up would feel right at home in a Hammer horror movie from the ‘60s.  Heck, I think it would be closer to say that it could’ve come out of an Old Dark House mystery from the ‘30s.  The Inheritance updates that bare bones structure with a modern sensibility and snark that’s comparable to other recent family horror flicks like You’re Next and Ready or Not (although it’s not nearly as funny or effective as those films). 

After a fine first act, the fun slowly begins to dwindle as the movie goes on.  The reveal that Gunton’s attacker is (mild spoiler) supernatural in nature is sort of a mixed blessing.  While this allows the assailant unique opportunities to sneak up on its intended victims (like the swimming pool murder), the body count is low, and the kills aren’t exactly bloody or suspenseful.  At least the filmmakers used some restraint when it came to the CGI. 

Director Alejandro (Juan of the Dead) Brugues gives the film a sense of style and atmosphere and should be commended for keeping things running at a tight clip.  Most of the time in these kinds of movies, the pacing tends to dawdle with a lot of Scooby-Doo scenes of people walking down dark corridors and finding secret passages.  Fortunately, Brugues keeps that shit to a minimum.  It’s a shame though that the hottest chick gets Janet Leigh’ed early on, but at least we have Rachel (P2) Nichols around as the ice queen sibling who’s all business.  Too bad she doesn’t last much longer. 

URGH! A MUSIC WAR (1981) ***

Urgh!  A Music War is a decent enough snapshot of punk, new wave, and rock bands of the early ‘80s.  Since Stewart Copeland’s brothers Ian and Miles produced it, The Police are featured more than any other band.  (They’re still pretty good though.)  Other highlights include Wall of Voodoo (“Back in Flesh”), Oingo Boingo (“Ain’t This the Life?”), Echo and the Bunnymen (“The Puppet”), The Dead Kennedys (“Bleed for Me”), DEVO (“Uncontrollable Urge”), and Gary Numan singing “Down in the Park” while riding around in a remote controlled throne on a stage that looks like it could’ve come out of Tron. 

Much of the concert footage leaves something to be desired as it is presented in a rather generic fashion.  The uninspired editing likewise causes many of the performances to run together without allowing the audience time to catch their breath.  Also, since the bands were captured on different stages throughout the world, there is very little cohesion from one performance to the next.  It is interesting to see some of the lesser-known bands singing obscure songs alongside Rock and Roll Hall of Famers and their all-time classics.  For example, Athletico Spizz 80’s “Where’s Captain Kirk?” is followed by The Go-Go’s singing “We Got the Beat” and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (“Bad Reputation”) plays right before Magazine (“Model Worker”). 

It’s not bad or anything.  It’s just that there’s way too much filler in between the good stuff.  (Apparently there’s an alternate version that leaves some of the lesser-known bands on the cutting room floor.)

For me though the footage of The Cramps singing “Tear it Up” makes up for a lot of the criticisms.  The camera is right in front of Lux Interior’s mug during all his sweaty, microphone-swallowing antics.  There was a moment there when I actually thought he was going to jump out of his skintight leather pants.  I may be a little biased because I’m a huge fan of The Cramps, but it’s totally worth owning the movie just for their performance alone. 

THE TYPEWRITER, THE RIFLE AND THE MOVIE CAMERA (1996) ****

If you had the Independent Film Channel back in the ‘90s, then you probably remember this hour-long documentary about director Sam Fuller as it pretty much played on the channel non-stop.  I watched it a bunch of times back then and even after I saw it more than a few times, if it was on, I would still let it play out as background noise.  The use of clips from Fuller’s best movies and the scenes of Quentin Tarantino, Jim Jarmusch, and Martin Scorsese talking about Fuller were still entertaining, no matter how many times I saw it.  I actually hadn’t thought about it in a long time, so when I saw it listed as a special feature on the Criterion Collection DVD of Shock Corridor, I knew I had to check it out, if only for old times’ sake. 

Directed by Adam (Carnosaur) Simon and hosted by Tim Robbins, this is a compact, concise, and to the point documentary.  That style fits Fuller’s personality and approach to filmmaking perfectly.  The title is a reference to the three careers Fuller had:  A newspaper man, a soldier, and a director.  His first two professions not only informed his filmmaking style but forever shaped him as a man. 

Fuller himself is quite a character.  You can tell he’s a natural storyteller just from the way he stands around, chomps on a cigar, and shoots the shit.  That distinct voice and spirit carries over to his work, making his films and the man who made them one of a kind.  It’s almost a shame it’s only an hour long because I’m sure there’s plenty more entertaining B-roll footage somewhere of him just spinning yarns. 

The scenes of Robbins and Tarantino sorting through Fuller’s office and geeking out at all the memorabilia from his films are worth the price of admission.  I mean, as soon as they open the door, they find the steel helmet from The Steel Helmet!  How cool is that?  Speaking of which, Scorsese even admits he cribbed from Steel Helmet when he made Raging Bull! 

Even if you are unfamiliar with Fuller, this will make an excellent primer.  If you’re a fan of Tarantino or Scorsese, it’s worth watching just for their insights.  All in all, The Typewriter, the Rifle and the Movie Camera is one of the best documentaries about movies ever made. 

SHOCK CORRIDOR (1963) ****

The word “auteur” gets thrown around a lot when it comes to writer/directors.  Very few of them have a filmography infused with such a singular voice and vision that befits the term.  For me, Sam Fuller is one of the few definitive auteurs in film history and Shock Corridor very well may be his masterpiece. 

Peter (The Big Valley) Breck stars as a journalist with dreams of winning a Pulitzer Prize who goes undercover as a mental patient in an insane asylum to solve a murder.  The list of crazies/potential witnesses include an opera singing nut (Larry Tucker), a kook who thinks he’s a Civil War general (The Dukes of Hazzard’s James Best), a black Klansman (Hari Rhodes), and an infantile physicist (Fuller regular Gene Evans).  The only problem is the longer Breck stays in the asylum, the more the line between journalist and patient begins to blur. 

Shock Corridor has a hard-hitting pulpy style that is genuine.  Many directors try for this sort of larger than life feel and fumble it, but it comes naturally for Fuller.  While his westerns of the ‘50s are often very good, it’s his noirs from the ‘60s that remain touchstones.  Of all his films, this is probably his most cinematic and haunting, as it is a harrowing account of ambition and madness. 

At times, it feels like a genre-bending version of a detective story as it shares a similar structure, but the setting and unforgettable characters (especially Rhodes) make for an unshakable experience.  Other times, it feels like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.  In either case, Fuller’s blunt force trauma directing style makes it certain you’re in for one helluva ride. 

Breck (who also starred in The Crawling Hand, Hootenanny Hoot, and this, all in the same year) is excellent in the lead as he sways from “faking it” to becoming dangerously close to actual madness.  Constance Towers, who was also in Fuller’s equally memorable The Naked Kiss, does a great striptease dance number and looks especially terrific when she appears to Breck as a vision while in the nuthouse.  Their performances, along with Fuller’s unmistakable style, make Shock Corridor an all-timer. 

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL (1970) **

Bruce Harrington (Harold Herbsman) is a politician who is leading in the polls and is a shoo-in to win the election.  People attribute his popularity to the fact his wife Helen (Janis Young) is super-hot.  Trouble brews when a guy who calls himself “The Flying Man” (Osgood Scott) shows up with incriminating pictures of Helen and threatens to expose her sordid past of drinking, drugs, wild parties, and even her short trip to the booby hatch.  With her husband’s election at stake, Helen has no choice but to pay him off.  However, when he returns later and tries to force himself on her, Helen fights back and the Flying Man winds up dead.  That REALLY puts the future senator’s political career in jeopardy. 

This New York City-lensed sexploitation drama feels a little too much like a soap opera in some places to really work as smut.  The blackmail subplot is kind of dull too and gets in the way of the sex scenes.  The long flashback sequence set at an orgiastic party goes on forever.  Although this scene does provide the film with some glimpses of much needed T & A, it pretty much stops the narrative cold right in the middle of the movie.  The open-ended ending is a little frustrating as well.  This sort of coda may have worked for a plot that was more fanciful, but when it’s used for this kind of realistic drama, it falls flat. 

That’s not to say that The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful doesn’t have its moments.  In fact, it’s at its best when it’s focusing on the subplot surrounding the sexual hang-ups of the politician’s servants.  I mean what other movie gives you a scene where the wonderful character actor Allen Garfield plays a horny chauffeur who bangs a hot maid (Jennifer Welles, a veteran of many Joe Sarno movies) in the middle of the woods?  Welles also gets a hot scene where she turns into a dominatrix, grabs a whip, and flogs the naughty politician.  If Young and Herbsman had the same kind of chemistry that Garfield and Welles shared, the film would’ve been much steamier.  The music is pretty good though, as is the black and white cinematography. 

ROBOCOP: DARK JUSTICE (2001) **

After three theatrical films, a cartoon, and a TV show, Robocop was once again resurrected for television as Robocop:  Prime Directives, a series of four Made for TV movies.  This was the first entry.  Page Fletcher plays Robocop, who is down in the dumps because it’s his (tenth) birthday.  He soon finds himself at a moral crossroads when someone messes with his programming and orders him to kill his former partner John Cable (Maurice Dean Wint).  Meanwhile, Cable’s ex-wife Sara (Maria del Mara) has created a cabal of executives within OCP and plots an overthrow of the company. 

Sure, it’s a low budget TV show, but a lot of it still seems relevant today with the anti-AI sentiment and the fact that the yuppie corporate guy’s plan is more or less like Elon Musk’s DOGE bullshit.  It’s also interesting that the police have been defunded so they only carry non-lethal alternatives like mace and tasers, but Robo is still able to pack heat.  That said, if you were unhappy with the watered-down cartoonish world of Robocop 3, you’ll probably hate this.  There’s a laughable villain called “Bone Machine” that looks ridiculous and says stupid shit like, “You’re boned, baby!”  Plus, many of the attempts at satire fall flat.  (There’s a bank called “Chelsea Clinton Savings and Loan”.)  The “Media Break” moments are kind of fun though.  This time they are updated for the World Wide Web and feature pop-up ads selling things like DVDs of “Robocop’s Greats Hits” and an all-John Malkovich Channel (not a bad idea).

Fletcher (who starred in the HBO series, The Hitchhiker, a show that original Robocop director Paul Verhoeven helmed a few episodes for) isn’t all that great in the lead and his Robo voice takes some time getting used to.  The constant flashbacks of him before he became Robocop seem less like character development and more of a cost cutting measure.  (You know, so they don’t have to haul out the Robo suit.)  Speaking of the suit, it’s a definite downgrade from the theatrical movies, but I did like the way they dinged it up to make it seem lived in. 

All in all, Robocop:  Dark Justice is what it is:  An inferior TV version of an all-time classic hard-R movie.  If you can come to grips with that you might like it.  Ultimately, it’s one of those “good news, bad news” scenarios.  For every fun moment or semi-interesting element (like Robocop’s now grown son working for OCP), there’s at least one or two corny bits that throw cold water on everything.  I’ll probably return to the series and watch the rest of the movies eventually, but I can honestly tell you I’m in no particular rush to do so. 

AKA:  Robocop:  Prime Directives:  AKA:  Robocop:  Prime Directives:  Dark Justice.

SEVEN DOORS TO DEATH (1944) ***

Jimmy (Chick Chandler) gets carjacked by a sassy gal named Mary (June Clyde) in his jalopy.  After she escapes, he returns to the scene of the crime and discovers a dead body.  Jimmy does his duty as a citizen and tells the police, but when they arrive on the scene, they discover an entirely different corpse.  Implicated in the crime, Jimmy teams up with Mary to clear his name and find the real killer. 

Seven Doors to Death (which should in no way be confused with Lucio Fulci’s Seven Doors OF Death, the American title for The Beyond) is a surprisingly fun Poverty Row thriller that has slight horror trappings.  (Jimmy and Mary discover a mummy in a basement at one point.)  The title refers to a block of stores where the murder took place that are all connected to the same basement, as well as the theory that the killer could be the proprietor of any one of the seven shops in the complex.  (“Behind one of those doors is a murderer!”)

Director Elmer Clifton (a veteran of many ‘30s scare pictures like Assassin of Youth and Slaves in Bondage) keeps things moving at an acceptable pace.  While it’s not exactly a crackling thriller by any means (the jewel thief subplot was unnecessary), it’s certainly not as creaky as most of these Poverty Row thrillers.  Sure, things get wrapped up way too easily in the end, but it remains fun and enjoyable throughout.  Besides, there are plenty of suspects and/or red herrings to go around such as a knife salesman, a crime enthusiast, and a dimwitted gardener.  That’s enough to keep you guessing who the killer is until the end. 

The performances help enormously too.  Chandler and Clyde make for a fine team, and their bickering and bantering keeps you amused during what could’ve ordinarily been dull dialogue scenes.  Clifton’s background in exploitation shines through during the most memorable scene where a hot brunette performs an impromptu burlesque striptease in the living room (although it’s awfully tame by today’s standards).  

AKA:  Vanishing Corpses.

CRIMSON (1976) ** ½

Paul Naschy stars as a jewel thief who is shot in the head while evading the police.  While on the run, his criminal confederates take him to a shady doctor for medical treatment.  When he is unable to help, he suggests his mad scientist pal can save Naschy’s life.  The only way to do so is an emergency brain transplant and the only person with the same blood type just so happens to be Naschy’s mortal enemy, an unsavory character called “The Sadist”.  The operation is a success, but it does leave Naschy with one pesky side effect:  It gives him the compulsive urge to strangle women. 

Although he has top billing, Naschy spends more than half the movie unconscious and/or offscreen.  Because of that, fans of the man will probably feel shortchanged.  Adding to the disappointment is the fact that despite the film’s Sci-Fi trappings, this is much more of a crime flick than the horror shows he’s known for.  Even when Naschy is up and running around, Crimson never really makes the best use of his talents.  With his blue turtleneck and white bandaged head, he kind of resembles Dengar from The Empire Strikes Back. 

While Crimson suffers from a noticeable lack of Naschy, it still has its share of rewards.  There’s a completely random striptease involving two guys in yellow face ripping clothes off a woman against a ridiculously elaborate China themed backdrop.  We also get a humorous stretch where the criminals have a difficult time decapitating a body, as well as a great bit when the dirty crooks receive the head hidden inside of a birthday present.  We also get a gnarly scene where Naschy’s rivals put out their cigarette butts on a hot blonde, and the surprise reveal of a dead body is rather effective. 

So, it’s a toss-up.  If you want to see a crime caper with a pinch of horror and a dabble of Sci-Fi, then Crimson will be for you.  If on the other hand, you’re looking for a top notch Naschy flick, stick with his werewolf pictures instead. 

AKA:  Crimson, the Color of Terror.  AKA:  The Man with the Severed Head.  AKA:  Crimson, the Color of Blood.

TWO WOMEN IN GOLD (1970) **

Fernande (Monique Mercure) and Violette (Louise Turcot) are two bored Montreal housewives who grow restless with their philandering and/or dull husbands.  They decide to spice up their dreary existence by seducing just about any man they can get a hold of.  The telephone repairman, the milkman, handymen, and delivery boys all become objects of their misplaced affection.  When one of Violette’s lovers dies after a bout of lovemaking, they are accused of murder and quickly become international sensations. 

Directed by Claude (Dan Candy’s Law) Fournier, this Canadian sex comedy is more puzzling than anything else.  It doesn’t matter what side of the border you’re on, the shit in this movie just isn’t funny.  Like at all.  Take for instance the football game that has canned “comedic” sound effects or the random use of a choir singing “Hallelujah” or the shot of a painting of the Queen closing her eyes.  Without the egregious comedy shit, this could’ve been a winner.  Think a maple syrup version of a Joe Sarno flick.  Too bad the comedy derails things every chance it gets. 

Fortunately, the film features scads of T & A, which makes some of the unfunny comedic Canadian shenanigans tolerable.  That said, the sex and/or nude scenes we do get are not very sexy and often are nearly ruined by the intrusive comedy elements.  One memorable scene occurs when a carpet cleaner visits Turcot and his shampooer goes haywire and fills the room with bubbles.  This naturally causes her to strip down and roll around in the suds.  Now, this could’ve been a great sequence, but those hopes are immediately dashed the instant the comic relief cleaning guy starts singing opera.  Mercure and Turcot are plenty sexy and their complete willingness to go au natural at the drop of a hat certainly keeps things afloat. They remain two women in gold even if the movie itself is tarnished by the shitty comedy. 

ATRAGON (1965) **

Agents from the underwater “Mu Empire” (it’s basically a Great Value version of Atlantis) are coming ashore and kidnapping naval personnel.  A couple of cheesecake photographers snap a photo of one of them and wind up becoming embroiled in the intrigue.  Meanwhile, the evil Empress of Mu tries to stop a crazed Captain from launching his state-of-the-art submarine called Gotengo, which she thinks can threaten her empire.  She then unleashes the dragon god “Manda” upon our heroes. 

Atragon is a so-so Sci-Fi flick from Toho.  It was co-directed by inoshiro (Godzilla) Honda, and often plays like a Japanese knockoff of a Jules Verne novel.  It kicks off with a fun scene where a silver scuba diver frightens a bikini model mid-photo shoot.  Unfortunately, all the back and forth between the United Nations and the Navy and the scientists quickly bog things down.  The scenes in the Mu palace are likewise draggy as the various rituals and dance numbers do nothing to help pick up the pace. 

If you came hoping for a cool monster, you’ll probably be disappointed.  In all honesty, Manda is not one of Toho’s most impressive creations.  He’s kind of a cross between a dragon and a sea serpent.  He’s also rubbery-looking and goofy as Hell.  (He almost looks like a barely more competent version of Reptilicus.)  Manda later showed up in the Godzilla films Destroy All Monsters and Final Wars.  At least in those movies, the special effects for the creature were better.  Here, he looks like he could be used as a stunt double for Cecil from Beany and Cecil. 

Gotengo is pretty nifty looking though, as it’s a submarine with a spiral shaped drill on its nose.  And it FLIES!  The final battle between Gotengo and Manda is pretty lackluster though, especially when compared to the other monster mashes Toho was making around the same time. 

The film’s chief asset is the great score from composer Akira Ifukube.  Yes, I know it sounds like a slight reworking of his iconic Godzilla theme.  However, in a movie as uneven as this one you have to take what you can get. 

AKA:  Atoragon.  AKA:  Atoragon:  Flying Supersub.  AKA:  Flying Supersub Atoragon.  AKA:  Undersea Battleship.

ELEVATION (2024) ***

Like rip-offs of Die Hard, A Quiet Place rip-offs are quickly becoming a genre unto themselves.   After the success of that film, we’ve had similarly themed movies about monsters that roam the post-apocalypse and hunt humans in idiosyncratic ways.  Movies like Birdbox, Arcadian, and Never Let Go followed A Quiet Place’s blueprint and changed the rules to their monsters’ quirks and/or weaknesses ever so slightly.  Now here comes Elevation, a surprisingly sturdy variation on the theme. 

The gimmick of this one is that the monsters can’t live above a certain elevation (hence the title).  That means all the survivors took to the hills and started living in the mountains after the shit hit the fan.  Will (Anthony Mackie) has a sick kid and he’s all out of filters for his breathing machine.  That means he’s got to venture across “the line” and go into town for supplies.  He gets a bitter scientist named Nina (Morena Baccarin) to join him on his quest since she’s been trying to find a way to kill the monsters once and for all.  Katie (Maddie Hasson), a pseudo-love interest, also joins the group and sort of acts as a third wheel. 

Director George (The Adjustment Bureau) Nolfi brings a modicum of suspense to the scenes of the survivors trekking through the wilderness.  The “Reapers” look like armor plated cockroaches and charging bulls that have been Brundlefly-ed together.  They aren’t exactly memorable, but they look better than the creatures typically found in these Quiet Place knockoffs.  The script also wisely keeps the logistics of the monsters’ weakness purposefully vague.  The “rules” sometimes feel a bit arbitrary, but they do lead to some suspenseful moments.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene when the creatures hunt their prey by detecting the CO2 the heroes exhale, so they are forced to hold their breath.  

The trio of performers have chemistry to burn, which gives Elevation much of its spirit.  Mackie makes for a solid leading man for this sort of thing.  Baccarin is especially good as the sarcastic scientist who constantly complains and bickers with Hasson. 

Sure, no one reinvented the wheel on this one.  However, if you’re looking for a lean and mean ninety-minute creature feature, then it will fit the bill.  As far as A Quiet Place rip-offs go, Elevation ranks higher than most. 

A WORKING MAN (2025) *** ½

I’ve been seeing a lot of people online griping that “A Working Man is no Beekeeper”.  Fair enough, but that kind of blanket statement undersells just how good the film is.  The fact that it doesn’t quite hit the heights of The Beekeeper should in no way be taken as a slight to A Working Man, the latest collaboration between Jason Statham and director David Ayer.  Saying “A Working Man is no Beekeeper” is like saying “The Magnificent Ambersons is no Citizen Kane”.  That’s true enough, but dude, it’s still The Magnificent fucking Ambersons. 

Statham plays a former soldier working as a humble construction worker.  When his boss’s daughter is kidnapped by Russian slavers, he goes to work.  And by “goes to work”, I mean he blows away a bunch of Russian gangsters, grubby drug dealers, and skeevy bikers. 

Boasting a script co-written by Rambo himself, Sylvester Stallone, A Working Man is a better than average Statham vehicle that gives the audience exactly what they came to see.  Ayer plays to Statham strengths, and Stallone’s script gives him a stoic character that fits him like a glove.  Sure, he doesn’t have the great one-liners like he did in The Beekeeper, but the film is essentially wall to wall action and packed to the gills with scenes of Statham taking out the trash.  Because of that, all is right with the world. 

The supporting cast is strong across the board. Jason Flemyng (Statham’s co-star from his early Guy Ritchie movies) is good as the head of the Russian mob.  David Harbour has a lot of chemistry with Statham as his blind war buddy who acts as a mix of conscience and weapons supplier.  Arriana Rivas is also memorable as the kidnapped girl. 

Is the film perfect?  Well, it runs a little long and some of the action scenes suffer from over-editing and less than optimal camerawork.  (The bulk of the action is A-OK though.)  These are relatively minor quibbles than anything.  At the end of the day, A Working Man gets the job done. 

SNATCHED! CURSE OF THE PINK PANTIES 2 (2010) *

When I stumbled upon this sequel, I had never seen, let alone heard of the wonderfully titled Curse of the Pink Panties.  Since I couldn’t find the original streaming anywhere, I went ahead and watched this one.  Not seeing the first film in a series has never stopped me from checking out its sequel in the past.  Why should I stop now?

A woman tries on a pair of haunted panties and is unable to take them off.  As it turns out, the undies are possessed by the ghosts of some dead criminals.  She is then kidnapped by an evil villainess who wants to control the ghosts for her own devious purposes.  Meanwhile, two girls who survived the Curse of the Pink Panties in the first film launch an unsuccessful web show about their paranormal experiences.  The bad chick eventually kidnaps them too and wants to use their expertise to help harness the ghosts’ energy.  Our heroine’s boyfriend then turns to a busty psychic for help. 

The effects for the spirits of the men who haunt the panties are terrible.  They are nothing more than green-screened faces superimposed over a shot of women’s underwear.  Since these scenes are neither funny nor sexy, one would have to assume that the director had a fetish for seeing men’s faces crudely inserted onto a woman’s bikini area.  Why else would anyone make two movies on the subject, let alone one? 

There are also way too many subplots and characters that bog things down.  It might’ve helped if I saw the first movie, but this one is just saddled with too much rigmarole.  It should be said that while nearly all the ladies in the cast are smoking hot, none of them remove the titular panties (or their bras as a matter of fact).  This chaste aura does nothing to help the film as the running time clocks in at an extremely bloated one-hundred-and-eight-minutes.  I’m not saying nudity could’ve salvaged this mess, but it would’ve taken some of the sting out of it, that’s for sure.  Heck, even if it was a half-hour shorter, it still would’ve been a chore to sit through (especially the finale featuring the overweight guy running around in lingerie).

AKA:  Snatched! 

SKYSCRAPER (2018) ***

The Rock stars in what is essentially Die Hard Meets the Towering Inferno.  He plays a security advisor for a state-of-the-art skyscraper in Hong Kong.  Criminals storm the building looking to extort the billionaire owner and set it ablaze.  Adding to the peril is the fact that The Rock’s wife (Neve Campbell) and two kids are trapped in the building.  It’s then up to The Rock to save them and stop the bad guys. 

Written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber (who also helmed Central Intelligence, which starred The Rock), Skyscraper is a lean and mean meat and potatoes action flick that gets the job done.  It knows exactly what it is and doesn’t try to overstep its bounds.  Thurber delivers the goods in the action department and the scenes of The People’s Champion hanging hundreds of stories in the air from his fingertips really work.  The most amusing sequence comes when he uses duct tape on his hands to climb outside the building like Spider-Man.  The finale set in a high-tech hall of mirrors is cheesy too, but it’s still fun. 

To his credit, The Rock’s earnestness goes a long way.  He tones down his macho persona a bit for this one as he plays a humble family man.  Making the role unique is the fact that he plays an amputee.  The scenes where he puts on his prosthetic leg try their best to pull at your heartstrings.  That might’ve felt genuine had The Rock not conveniently forgotten about his handicap as he runs full sprints throughout his action sequences.  (He only seems to limp during his dialogue scenes.)  At least Thurber resisted the temptation to have The Rock say he’s a “One-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. 

Campbell is good too.  Unlike most of these things, she isn’t just your standard issue wife in jeopardy.  She’s a combat surgeon, so she can handle herself better than most of the wives you see in a Die Hard rip-off. 

As far as rainy-day action movies go, Skyscraper towers above the rest. 

Thurber and The Rock once again teamed up for Red Notice. 

PORNDEMIC (2018) ***

In 1998, porn’s popularity was reaching a zenith that rivaled its Golden Era.  The money was good, the sex was plentiful, and the industry itself was taken (more or less) seriously in the mainstream.  Then, an HIV outbreak rocked the porn industry.  (One interviewee calls the panic, “The Cuban Missile Crisis of the porn industry”!)  This resulted in stricter testing guidelines implemented by former porn star turned industry blood test czar, Sharon Mitchell.  Mitchell then had to backtrack all the infected performers’ previous partners to find the “Patient Zero”. 

Among those infected were Tricia Deveraux, who was one of my favorite porn stars of the ‘90s (and yes, I recognized a clip of her from Gangbang Girl 17 instantly), Brooke Ashley, Kimberly Jade, and Caroline.  Only Tricia is interviewed, which is a tad disappointing as it would’ve been interesting to hear from the other women.  However, her story has plenty of heartbreak to go around.  Even grimmer is the fact that we are shown clips from the films in which the actresses were actually infected.  These moments almost have a ghoulish snuff film quality to them.  Other porn stars such as Tom Byron, Ginger Lynn, Mr. Marcus, Herschel Savage, and Ron Jeremy are also interviewed and give their insights on the situation. 

If you watched a lot of porn in the ‘90s, the file footage of award shows, TV appearances, and home movies of the porn starlets at work and at play will be like a trip down memory lane.  It was fun seeing stars like Anna Malle, Jasmin St. Claire, Chloe, and Alisha Klass in their heyday.  I just wish it was under better circumstances. 

If you’re familiar at all with the story, you know Marc Wallice was the “Patient Zero”.  The more you hear about him and the more he speaks on camera, the more odious he becomes.  It’s one thing to duck being tested.  It’s a completely different thing when we learn he actually falsified his HIV tests, which knowingly put other performers at risk.  The filmmakers do offer evidence that suggests he may not have actually known his status, but his total lack of remorse seems pretty damning. 

Pordemic is a rather cut and dry account of the events.  It probably could’ve dug a little bit deeper, but it still keeps you invested throughout.  The use of non-sex porn clips that mirror the narrative is amusing too and help lighten the mood a bit.  (The music is terrible though.)

JAMES DEAN (1976) **

James Dean is a lukewarm TV Movie of the Week biopic directed by Robert (Now You See Him, Now You Don’t) Butler.  The tip-off that this is going to be disappointing is when you see the opening credits.  It’s here you’ll notice Stephen McHattie, the guy who plays James Dean, the man who is the title of the movie, has the “and” billing.  It was written and produced by William Bast, who was Dean’s friend (and lover).  Michael Brandon, who plays Bast, receives top billing, which kind of lets you know what you’re in for.

Bast strikes up a friendship with Dean at school and despite not having much in common, become close.  He tags along with him from LA to New York and back to LA again.  Along the way, Dean tries to get him to open up and embrace life, but Bast just never can seem to do it. 

Because it’s from Bast’s point of view, the film resists the temptation to paint Dean as a saint.  (We see him smack his girlfriend at one point.)  However, it does break form every now and then to show us Dean biographical highlights that Bast was never there to witness (like Dean auditioning for the Actors Studio or revving his motorcycle at Pier Angeli’s wedding).  Bast’s narration is often intrusive to the narrative and is redundant more often than not.  The black and white silent movie style sequences are pretty annoying too. 

The frank talk between the two about their sexuality must’ve been shocking for a network movie in the mid ‘70s.  While it wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow nowadays, it’s enough to suggest there was more between Dean and Bast than what the censors would allow to be shown. Moments like this prevent the film from being completely forgettable, but it’s still far too clunky overall to really work. 

McHattie kinda looks like Dean if you squint hard, but he does affect his mannerisms well enough to get by.  For a movie from Bast’s point of view, it’s odd that Bast himself never feels like a real character but more of an observer watching Dean’s star rise and fall.  The actresses in the supporting cast who play Dean’s girlfriends (Brooke Adams, Candy Clark, and Meg Foster) are good, although none of them really stick around long enough to be real characters.  It was also nice seeing Amy Irving popping up in a bit as an obsessive fan. 

AKA:  James Dean:  The Movie.  AKA:  James Dean:  The Legend.  AKA:  The Legend.  AKA:  James Dean:  A Legend in His Own Time.  AKA:  A Legend in His Own Time.

THE JAMES DEAN STORY (1957) **

Robert Altman got his first feature directing gig co-directing this documentary about James Dean.  We begin with his upbringing in Indiana as the narrator interviews Dean’s friends and family.  Then we move on to college in California where he discovers his love of acting.  Dean then takes off to New York where he briefly studies at the Actors Studio before heading back to Hollywood.  He soon skyrockets to stardom with roles in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause, but his career comes to a tragic end when he dies in an automobile accident. 

The documentary purports to use a new technique called “Photo Motion” that supposedly incorporates still photographs in with the narrative.  From the first scene, it’s obvious that this so-called “technique” is nothing more than slow zoom-ins and outs on old pictures.  That’s just the first of many disappointments you’ll find throughout the movie. 

The James Dean Story stops short of being a Mondo style documentary.  The scenes recreating Dean’s romance with Pier Angeli (who isn’t named, but it’s pretty obvious who it’s supposed to be) look as though they are heading in that direction, but it just winds up being more like filler than anything.  (The recreation of his crash is brief and there are only two photos of the wreck.)  Had the film given us something in even mildly bad taste, it would’ve been, at the very least, memorable.  (It’s no Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield; I’ll tell you that.)

Honestly, there’s nothing here that’s all that enlightening or revealing.  The interview segments with the people that supposedly knew Dean don’t really offer very much insight into his character.  (One guy goes through Dean’s mail.  Big whoop.)  If anything, this just crystalizes what an elusive figure he was.  If you saw this at the time of its original release, you may have been satisfied with a glossed over trip down memory lane.  Sadly, the movie only skims the surface of his life and never fully explores what made Dean tick. 

Co-director George W. George was the son of Rube Goldberg. 

CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS (1993) ****

I wanted to watch something to honor one of my favorite actors, the late Wings Hauser.  Wings was an actor as idiosyncratic as they come.  His performance as Ramrod in Vice Squad is one of the all-time greats, and I wanted to acknowledge his passing by reviewing a film of his I had never seen before.  

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into with Champagne and Bullets as I had seen the immortal “Shimmy Slide” music number before.  (Yes, there is a music number.)  Boy, I wasn’t expecting THIS. 

Words don’t really do this movie justice.  You have to see it to believe it.  The best description I can think of is it’s The Room if it was a low budget ‘90s action movie.  Like The Room, it was the brainchild of a non-actor who somehow got enough money together to make his own movie.  In this case it was lawyer John de Hart.  He was also somehow able to get Wings to play his best friend and William Smith to play the bad guy. 

As a Wings tribute, I got my money’s worth as he gives a fun performance.  Wings probably sensed de Hart and co-director John Paradise’s lack of experience, which afforded him the opportunity to go gleefully over the top in ways only Wings could.  If this was a “normal” movie, his performance would’ve been the highlight.  Since there is nothing normal about Champagne and Bullets, Hauser’s antics are more like window dressing. 

Like Tommy Wiseau, de Hart was somehow able to convince a really hot chick (in this case, Playboy Playmate Pamela Bryant) to have gratuitously long and extremely uncomfortable sex scenes with him.  The pinnacle of the looney love scenes comes when de Hart is about to have sex with her and hands his champagne glass to a visible crew member who takes it out of frame.  You won’t believe it. 

I guess I should talk about the plot.  De Hart and Hauser are former cops who get thrown off the force when their colleague Smith plants dope on them.  De Hart’s girlfriend (Bryant) has freshly escaped from a Satanist cult that just so happens to be headed by Smith.  When Smith kills his true love, de Hart goes out for revenge. 

The high point is the musical number performed by de Hart.  “Shimmy Slide” is a verified bop and a definite ear worm.  De Hart’s musical abilities (or lack thereof) are hysterical, and his choreography (or lack thereof) will have you in stitches.  He sings several other songs on the soundtrack, most of which are ballads that play during the hilariously over top love scenes that are beyond cringe worthy.  (This might be the first movie that contains a lover’s montage that is just one static shot.)

Yes, it’s terrible, but I fucking loved every minute of it. 

The WTFness of this movie transcends mere words like “good” or “bad”.  It exists in a Zen world that could’ve only sprung from the imagination of John de Hart.  The Zen attitude can be summed up by one dialogue exchange when Wings is in the hospital and holds up a glass of water. 

Wings:  “Is this glass half empty or half full?” 

De Hart:  “It looks dirty to me.” 

AKA:  Road to Revenge.  AKA:  Geteven.

HEART EYES (2025) ***

For the past couple of years, the “Heart Eyes” killer has been stalking couples on Valentine’s Day.  Olivia Holt has a Meet-Cute with Mason Gooding at the coffee shop, and wouldn’t you know it?  He turns out to be her new co-worker!  They decide to go out to dinner to talk over their new advertising campaign and are attacked by the Heart Eyes killer, who mistakes them for a couple.  They then have to survive the night while getting to know one another along the way.

Directed by Josh (Werewolves Within) Ruben, Heart Eyes gets a big boost, courtesy of its likable cast.  Holt and Gooding have a lot of chemistry together and are especially good while being indignant that the killer is coming after them since they aren’t even romantically attached.  Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster are also amusing as the wisecracking cops on the case. 

Ruben kicks things off with a fun stalk and slash scene at a winery.  Along the way, he also gives us an entertaining chase on a merry go round where the killer chops off carousel horses’ heads left and right.  There’s also a fun scene where the killer wreaks havoc at a drive-in. 

It also helps that the film has a biting sense of humor as well as a few hearty laughs.  The gore is pretty strong too.  We get a machete in the eye, an arrow to the head, a knife to the skull, head squishing, impalement, a machete to the groin, a double mouth stabbing, and a pretty grisly beheading. 

The killer himself is a rather cool creation.  He kind of looks like David Cronenberg from Nightbreed… except… you know… with heart eyes.  Those eyes also have the ability to glow red so the killer can hunt his prey in the dark with built-in infrared goggles. 

Like many of these things, it goes on about fifteen minutes too long and has one too many false endings.  That’s not nearly enough to take away from the fun.  Heart Eyes is unique in that it balances rom-com cliches with gory slasher tropes in clever and funny ways.  Because of that, it’s hard not to love it. 

THE EXORCISM (2024) ***

The “meta” approach can go wrong in so many ways, especially in the horror genre.  Sometimes it can be overly cutesy and clever, which ruins the scares.  Other times, it can just be an unnecessary gimmick that gets in the way of the suspense.  Fortunately for The Exorcism, it enhances the overall experience. 

The Exorcism was written and directed by Joshua John Miller, the son of Jason Miller, who famously played Father Karras in The Exorcist.  It stars Russell Crowe as an actor named Anthony Miller who is starring in a remake of The Exorcist (which is coyly called “The Georgetown Project).  Miller is fresh out of rehab and needs a hit.  After filming commences, he soon starts exhibiting odd behavior which leads everyone, including his daughter (Ryan Simpkins) to suspect he’s fallen off the wagon.  The truth is, he’s actually been possessed by a demon. 

There are various levels of the meta storytelling here.  Yes, this kind of “reel” vs. “real” thing isn’t exactly new.  Yes, we know Crowe will be battling not only personal demons, but real ones as well.  Your tolerance for this sort of thing will depend on your mileage.  Film scholars will undoubtedly be looking for nuggets of truth here about the making of the real Exorcist, especially since Miller is so close to the material.  However, he wisely keeps the nods to the original to a minimum and keeps the focus on the drama with Crowe.  He also delivers a couple of finely tuned jump scares and gives the film plenty of atmosphere.  The exorcism finale has a surprising amount of kick to it too. 

The fact that Crowe just starred in The Pope’s Exorcist the year before sort of adds to the meta nature, even though this was filmed before.  He is very good in both his "down and out" actor mode as well as in his possessed form.  Adam Goldberg is amusing doing a watered down Friedkin and Sam Worthington turns up for a bit as Crowe’s younger co-star.  It’s David Hyde Pierce who steals the show as a world-weary priest serving as a technical advisor on the movie who must step up and perform the titular rite.  It was also cool seeing Miller’s Near Dark co-star Adrian Pasdar popping up as well. 

AKA:  The Georgetown Project.

ULTRAMAN: RISING (2024) ****

Ken Sato is a beloved baseball player gearing up for opening day with a new team.  Little does anyone know his alter ego Ultraman protects the city from giant monsters.  Ken finds a monster egg that hatches and the cute baby monster imprints on him.  Ken soon finds it difficult to play baseball, fight monsters, and raise an infant lizard creature.  Trouble brews when the KDF, the agency created to destroy monsters, comes looking for the baby.  It’s then up to Ken to protect his new family unit. 

I didn’t care for any of the Godzilla animated movies from Netflix, so I was wary about this newfangled CGI cartoon reboot of the iconic Ultraman TV show.  It took about a minute for the chip to fall off my shoulder as it immediately endears itself to the audience with tons of humor and unexpected heart.  The big reason is that the monster baby is just damned adorable that only the hardest of hearts could deny it. 

Besides, how many movies do you know of contain a montage of its hero going back and forth from playing baseball to battling as a superhero to parenting a monster baby while The Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant” plays on the soundtrack?  I mean we have baseball, kaiju, and punk rock all together in one place.  How can you not love it?

Another factor that makes the film much more than a kids cartoon is that the villain is multifaceted and three-dimensional.  He has his own reasons for wanting to wipe monsters off the face of the Earth.  Because of that, you can totally empathize with him, even if you don’t agree with his methods. 

Okay, I know I’ve used words like “unexpected heart” and “multifaceted and three-dimensional” to describe this so far.  I know what you’re thinking.  How are the monster battles?  While I do miss the rubber suit monster mashing of the show, the CGI monster fights still kick a lot of ass.  The finale where the Ultramen and monsters team up to battle a giant lightsaber wielding Transformer is a real winner. 

All in all, Ultraman:  Rising is one of the best animated films I’ve seen in a long time.  Not only that, but it’s also one of the best incarnations of the character.  It also happens to be one of the best movies of the year. 

WRONG TURN (2021) * ½

A group of hipster hikers get lost in the wilds of Appalachia.  They run afoul of some hunters in the woods wearing animal pelts and skull masks who trap them and take them back to their secret community where they’ve been hiding out for hundreds of years.  Matthew Modine is the concerned father of one of the hikers who goes looking for them. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking after you just read that:  What the fuck does this have to do with Wrong Turn?  Who the fuck are these culturally appropriating bozos in animal skins?  Where are all the inbred redneck cannibals?  I mean, this was even written by Alan B. McElroy, the same screenwriter who wrote the original Wrong Turn.  Did he forget what movie he was remaking? 

I guess the filmmakers were more concerned with “unmaking” Wrong Turn instead of remaking it.  However, if you take everything (aside from the wilderness setting) that made Wrong Turn Wrong Turn, you aren’t left with a whole lot.  In fact, the hikers don’t even make a wrong turn!  They just veer off the designated path (of course, everyone in town told them not to) thinking their shit don’t stink. 

The thing that most likely happened was that McElroy found an old script lying around and tried to sell it.  When nobody bought the thing, he slapped Wrong Turn on it, called it a remake, and Hollywood purchased the sucker sight unseen.  Either way, it’s easily the worst thing with the Wrong Turn name attached to it.  (There is a brief mention of “inbred cannibals” near the end, but it’s more of an “F U” to fans of the series.)

The cast is mostly weak.  The only bright spot is Modine who lends a sense of gravitas to the scenes where he’s searching for his daughter.  Too bad just about all the young cast members are grating. 

The gore is rather skimpy as most of the kills come courtesy of people’s brains being bashed in.  We also get a broken pinkie, impalement, a knife to the face, and some bloody booby traps.  The only part that has any sort of memorable kick to it is the scene where the heroine offers herself up as breeding stock to the community to save her own skin.  To add insult to injury, it clocks in at an unmerciful one-hundred-and-ten minutes.  Even at ninety minutes, it would’ve been rough going, but at one hundred and ten, it’s absolutely brutal.  (The fake-out ending is especially egregious.)

In short, there’s very little right about this Wrong Turn. 

AKA:  The Foundation.  AKA:  Wrong Turn:  The Foundation.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE WAR OF THE ROHIRRIM (2024) **

I’m a casual Lord of the Rings fan.  I read the books in middle school.  I dug the Peter Jackson movies.  I like the Hobbit trilogy more than most.  I haven’t seen a lick of the new TV show though.  One thing I could never stand was the old animated flick.  My dad sometimes would rent it for me back in the day (I think to prevent me from renting anything other than Tron), but I never really took to it.  Now, here we are with a Jackson produced animated Rings spin-off that takes place generations before The Hobbit.  I’m not sure why this exists or who asked for it (it was a huge flop), although I suspect that only the most die-hard Rings fans will enjoy it. 

Freca (the voice of Shaun Dooley) seeks an audience with King Helm (Brian Cox) because he wants his son Wulf (Luca Pasqualino) to marry the King’s headstrong daughter Hera (Gaia Wise).  The King will not hear of it, and so Freca challenges him to a fight.  When the King accidentally kills Freca during the brawl, Wulf vows revenge and spends months assembling an army.  His daring attack overcomes Helm’s soldiers, forcing his people to retreat to a stronghold.  After Helm’s demise, it then falls to Hera to end the war once and for all. 

I’m not much of an anime guy, but I have to admit the animation is very good.  Many of the backgrounds look photorealistic, while the humans all look like your traditional anime wizards and warriors deal.  That said, the animation alone isn’t enough to overcome the weak plotting.  The narrative is slight and the “girls can be warriors too, ya know” theme is obvious and thin.  The battle scenes are ho-hum too.  I did like the scene where an elephant was eaten by a swamp octopus though. 

It’s easy to see why this was not a hit.  While there are a couple of breadcrumbs that will eventually lead into Jackson’s movies (and at least one surprise cameo), for the most part, it’s a standalone adventure.  The problem is that none of the new characters are remotely as memorable or as endearing as the ones found in the live-action films.  The Lord of the Rings:  The War of the Rohirrim probably would’ve been a fine DTV deal like those animated DC movies.  It played okay enough at home I guess, but it might’ve been hard to justify paying $15 to see it on the big screen. 

THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023) ***

Russell Crowe stars as an espresso-sipping, scooter-riding exorcist who answers only to the Pope (Franco fucking Nero!) himself.  An American widow (Alex Essoe) moves to Spain with her children to renovate an old church.  Before long, her son becomes possessed and it’s up to Crowe to save his soul.  However, during the exorcism, he uncovers a centuries long cover-up by the Vatican, which explains why the demon isn’t so easy to banish. 

Directed by Julius (Samaritan) Avery, The Pope’s Exorcist is a surprisingly fun and entertaining ride filled with lots of laughs and some rather wild moments.  It kicks off with a solid exorcism sequence where Crowe transfers the soul of a demon into a pig, and it doesn’t look back.  It hits all the hallmarks of the exorcism subgenre and gives you everything you’d want to see from this sort of thing, including a couple of new twists.  The possession scenes feature all the old standbys such as neck twisting, writing appearing as cuts on the possessed boy’s body, and spider-walking.  New additions include the kid puking up a bird and a great moment when the kid flips out on his mom for not breastfeeding him!  Also, in this one the demon voice sounds less like Mercedes McCambridge and more like the Master Control Program from Tron. 

Honestly, The Pope’s Exorcist probably could’ve gone either way, but Russell Crowe keeps the film on track with his amusing performance.  While he stops short of hamming it up, he certainly looks as if he’s relishing the opportunity of taking the reins of a down and dirty B-flick.  He adds dollops of humorous touches to character, which endear him to the audience.  However, when it comes time to confront the demon, he’s all business. 

It maybe runs a tad too long and the conspiratorial aspects of the plot kind of drag things down.  Fortunately, none of that gets in the way of the Friedkin-inspired hokum.  Let’s face it, any movie that has Russell Crowe as a priest on a scooter and Franco Nero as the Pope is more or less must-see entertainment in my book. 

TOMB RAIDER (2018) ** ½

Alicia Vikander stars as Lara Croft in this mildly entertaining reboot of the video game franchise.  Her dead father (Dominic West) leaves behind a puzzle box, which sends her on a wild goose chase to find a hidden island in the Pacific.  There, she finds an ancient tomb that’s hiding a secret that could bring about the end of the world. 

You know, the first action scene where Lara participates in a “fox hunt” bicycle chase didn’t exactly inspire confidence.  Fortunately, once she arrives on the island, the action improves greatly.  Director Roar Uthaug (now that’s a name for ya!) delivers a memorable sequence where Lara narrowly escapes going over a waterfall by hoisting herself aboard the rusty wreckage of a plane that immediately begins to crumble.  While much of the film is pedestrian, this exciting scene is worthy of an Indiana Jones movie.  The finale in the tomb feels like something out of an Indiana Jones flick as well, albeit in a more derivative manner.  (The scenes with Lara and her dad are reminiscent of The Last Crusade too.) 

Not only does the film get better once the action ramps up, it also gets a much needed shot in the arm when Walton Goggins finally appears as the villain.  He’s sort of the Belloq to Croft’s Indiana Jones.  His slimy character is far from his best work, but at least he gives Vikander a menacing figure to play off of. 

Speaking of which, Vikander is OK as Croft.  Since this is an origin story, she spends about half the movie being demure and homely.  Eventually, she becomes the globe-hopping adventurer we all recognize.  It just takes a while before the transformation is complete.  (She doesn’t even get her trademark guns until the final scene.) 

That said, she still can’t hold a candle to Angelina Jolie.  I mean Jolie’s Tomb Raider movies sucked, but at least she was smoking hot.  At any rate, say what you will about this Tomb Raider, at least it’s better than the Jolie films.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but hey, it’s something. 

HELLBOY: THE CROOKED MAN (2024) **

After digging the 2019 version of Hellboy, I figured I’d check out this new one, if only to be a completist.  The Crooked Man is a noticeably low budget affair and has no name stars (Jack Kesy replaces David Harbour as Hellboy this time around).  It was directed by Brian Taylor of Neveldine/Taylor fame though.  (The guys that made Crank.)

Hellboy roams around the backwoods of Appalachia looking for a giant spider when he runs afoul of some white trash witches.  He learns from one of the locals about a sinister figure known as “The Crooked Man” who haunts the woods that just may be the devil himself.  Before long, the titular figure sets out to drag everyone’s souls to Hell. 

Hellboy is starting to give The Fantastic Four a run for its money for the title of most unnecessarily rebooted comic book property.  This one takes place in the ‘50s, so it looks and feels removed from the previous versions’ timelines, which was a good idea.  However, because of its measly budget, it just can’t compete with the other iterations of the franchise. 

Hellboy comic creator Mike Mignola was apparently less than pleased with the other versions of his character, so he wrote the story, served as executive producer, and had more creative control over this adaptation.  Despite that, I fail to see what made this vision of the character preferable for him.  Maybe it’s hard to judge something that looks like a SyFy Channel Original when the others were all big budget studio movies.  

Overall, it’s kind of blah.  I mean I was sort of with it for a while.  Once it became another zombie flick late in the game, I started to mentally check out. 

Kesy makes for an OK Hellboy.  He captures the character’s world-weariness well enough.  Much of the problem has to do with the narrative itself, which makes him more of a bystander than a leading man.  Because of that, Kesy isn’t given much to work with. 

As ho-hum as much of Hellboy:  The Crooked Man is, I can’t deny the scene where a dead witch is revived when a baby raccoon crawls inside of her discarded skin.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that in a movie before.  Nor can I say I’ve seen a snake come out of a woman’s coochie, slither around her, and then enter her mouth.  It’s just a shame these admittedly effective, albeit brief moments, didn’t inhabit a better film. 

NOVOCAINE (2025) ****

Well, folks.  Jack Quaid just dropped another instant classic on us.  Earlier in the year, he starred in the incredible sexbot comedy-thriller, Companion.  Now he’s back two months later with Novocaine, an action-comedy that plays like a Nicecore version of Crank.  It has bigger laughs than most straight-up comedies and has better gore than your average horror flick. 

Like I said, instant classic. 

Quaid stars as a meek bank teller who has a rare medical condition that prevents him from feeling pain.  When his coworker (Amber Midthunder from Prey) asks him out on a date, he instantly falls head over heels for her.  The next day (Christmas Eve, no less), a trio of thieves rob the bank and take her hostage.  It’s then up to Jack to save her as he uses his inability to feel pain to gain the upper hand on the hardened violent criminals. 

The charm of the movie lies with just how refreshingly innocent and sheltered its hero is.  He’s just a likeable schmo who doesn’t eat solid food for fear of biting off his own tongue.  All that goes out the window when the gal of his dreams is kidnapped.  Much of the humor is courtesy of Quaid’s nice guy character being pummeled to a bloody pulp and yet, he keeps returning for seconds and thirds.  In fact, since he can’t feel pain, he often doesn’t even change expression and continues with his conversation as he’s being wailed on.  Some of his injuries are downright ghastly too, but often the worse the injury, the bigger the laugh. 

Among the highlights is the kitchen fight where Quaid unwittingly deep fries his hand.  There’s another great bit where he’s being tortured by one of the robbers and has to feign being hurt, even when his nails are being ripped out.  The scene that really endears him to the audience is when he fights a giant tattoo artist.  After he’s thrown through a glass case, he furiously punches the shards to make his knuckles into deadly weapons.  I mean when Van Damme fought with glass knuckles in Bloodspor,t he had to use gauze and glue.  Quaid just smooshes the glass right into his skin. 

Novocaine is a blast of adrenaline from start to finish.  It’s fresh and funny and has plenty of crowd-pleasing moments of action hilarity and gnarly body horror carnage.  If Companion didn’t make Quaid a star, I truly hope this does. 

AKA:  Mr. No Pain.

BLOOD BATH (1966) *** ½

An artist (William Campbell from Dementia 13) turns into a vampire at night and kills women.  His “Dead Red Nudes” are a sensation in the art world.  The only problem is in order to draw inspiration from his subjects, he needs to first draw their blood. 

Blood Bath is an eerie and atmospheric flick that deserves to be better known.  The opening sequence with the silhouetted figure of the vampire in a trench coat and top hat stalking a woman feels like a prototype for a giallo.  (It almost looks like it could’ve been directed by Mario Bava.)  Other sequences have a dreamlike quality to them, like the flashback of the artist painting in the desert or the underwater scene where he murders a woman in a swimming pool.  There are even a few genuinely unnerving moments like when Campbell’s dead cackling mistress appears in a painting or the chase on a merry go round.  The scenes in the art gallery are surprisingly funny too and the comedic bohemian artist types (including Sid Haig and Johnathan Haze) make this feel like a spiritual sequel to A Bucket of Blood.  It would also make a good double feature with Color Me Blood Red.  (Originally, it played on a double bill with Queen of Blood.) 

Directed by the one-two punch of genre filmmaking legends Jack Hill and Stephanie Rothman, Blood Bath really cooks.  It’s paced like lightning and the hour-long running time whizzes right by.  The ending is a little on the weak side, but that should in no way deter you from checking it out. 

Apparently, this is the third of four iterations of the film.  It began life as a thriller called Operation Titan, which also starred Campbell.  That flick was later re-edited and released as Portrait of Terror.  Producer Roger Corman then took about nine minutes of footage from it and hired Hill and Rothman to add scenes to it and turn it into Blood Bath.  (Hill did the beatnik stuff and Rothman worked on the vampire plot.)  Later, Corman added more footage so it could play on TV as Track of the Vampire.  The only other version I’ve seen is Portrait of Terror and this is a big step up in every way. 

AKA:  Operation Titan.  AKA:  Portrait of Terror.  AKA:  Track of the Vampire.