SEX-O-PHRENIA (1970) ***

Rene Bond stars as a lonely housewife who is suffering from cripplingly powerful sexual fantasies.  Whenever she just thinks about sex, she has to strip down and pleasure herself.  After her husband spurns her sexual advances, she goes out and picks up a wino from the gutter and brings him back to their garage to bang.  When he fails to satisfy her, Rene uses his wine bottle to get off!  Later, she seduces her next-door neighbor on the kitchen floor, but much to his chagrin, his wife catches them in the act.  Bond then further spirals headlong into a sexual frenzy with little hope of finding a cure. 

Sex-O-Phrenia is a surprisingly fun skin flick that is packed with amusing moments.  Things kick off with a funny opening when a doctor miraculously appears in Bond’s living room and addresses the audience about her titular condition.  There’s also an odd scene where the camera keeps cutting away from Bond making love to two dead roaches. 

Bond gives an excellent performance in this.  She’s equally good during her dramatic scenes where she is trying to get her disinterested husband to notice her as she is in her sex scenes.  Speaking of which, there’s a hot scene where Bond uses a vibrator while having a sexual fantasy.  I also thought it was a nice touch that whenever she is in the grips of her sexual compulsion, she is shown wearing Raggedy Ann-inspired make-up.  Fans of Bond will definitely want to give this a look as she is practically the whole show. 

It looks like it was at one time a hardcore porno, but some sneaky bastard took a pair of scissors to it and cut it all up.  (Well, there are some fleeting glimpses of near-hardcore footage.)  The relatively scant fifty-seven-minute running time kind of supports that theory.  It’s not any kind of forgotten classic by any means, but it is nice that the filmmakers attempted to at least broach the psychological aspects of sexual desire instead of just indifferently churning out another dirty movie. 

AKA:  Sexophrenia.

DARK ECHOES (1977) **

A hundred years ago, a boat sank in an Austrian lake.  Now, the place is supposedly haunted by the ghost of the vengeance-seeking boat captain.  Things go from bad to worse when villagers begin turning up dead.  Flummoxed, the local police call on the services of a psychic investigator from America (Joel Fabiani) to check the place out.  Along with a reporter (former Bond girl Karin Dor from You Only Live Twice), he does some digging before eventually coming face to face with the gruesome ghost. 

Dark Echoes was the sole writing and directing credit for the awesomely named George Robotham, who was a stuntman and bit player for most of his career.  He specialized in underwater sequences, which probably explains all the scuba diving scenes in the third act.  Fabiani’s extended underwater fight with the “ghost” is OK, but it doesn’t quite make up for the long, pointless slow-motion shots of him skiing early in the film though. 

The investigation scenes into the town’s past are rather pedestrian.  There’s definitely a Scooby-Doo kind of vibe going on as the skull-faced boat captain looks very much like the sort of villain of the week Shaggy and the gang would encounter.  (He was created by none other than Planet of the Apes’ John Chambers.)  The ghost attack sequences are decent enough I suppose, but the pacing is much too leisurely to build any real suspense.

The subplot about a witch and her coven of cult members performing a ritual in the town’s catacombs is kind of fun though, especially when they break out into a half-assed dance number.  It’s here where some of the frenzied ladies in the group slip in and out of their robes.  The nudity from these probably unknown actresses is the definite high point in what is an otherwise tepid horror flick.  Our hero’s frequent psychic episodes, which are accompanied by a humorous sounding sting on the soundtrack, are good for a chuckle or two, and there’s a hilariously bad decapitation in there as well.  Despite those quality moments, I’m sure Dark Echoes won’t reverberate with most viewers. 

AKA:  Dark Echo.

TRANSFORMERS ONE (2024) ****

This animated prequel to the beloved Hasbro toy line shows how Optimus Prime (the voice of Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (the voice of Brian Tyree Henry) became mortal enemies.  They start off as the best of friends, working lowly mining jobs with Optimus generally causing trouble and Megatron having to bail him out.  Eventually, the duo learns that their leader, Sentinel Prime (the voice of Jon Hamm) has been lying to them and giving the planet’s resources to evil alien invaders.  With the help of Alpha Trion (the voice of Laurence Fishburne), they are able to unlock their transformation powers to save the planet. 

At first, it’s a little odd hearing the Transformers voiced by big Hollywood stars instead of the familiar voices from the old cartoon and live action films.   It also takes some time to get used to their new baby-faced appearance.  The good news is that feeling evaporates rather quickly as the script is witty, smart, and surprisingly heartfelt.

Plus, the animation is terrific.  It looks so good that it makes you wish Paramount would let the live action franchise finally die off so they could make this the main series.  (Fat chance since this was not a hit.)  The scenes set in the Transformer home planet look like a robot version of the city in The Fifth Element, and the action sequences are a blast too.  (The big race sequence is reminiscent of the pod race from The Phantom Menace.) 

The biggest surprise is that the characters (even though they are younger and brasher than the versions we grew up with) really pull you into the world.  The friendship between Optimus and Megatron is engaging, and when there is a rift between them, you genuinely feel it.  Megatron’s slow… ahem… transformation from cocky best friend to brooding villain is fully fleshed out and realized.  These kind of simple, yet effective characterizations are sorely lacking in the other incarnations of the franchise and seem downright Shakespearean compared to the live action movies. 

I’m actually shocked how much I enjoyed this.  It might even be better than Bumblebee.  It just goes to show there’s more to Transformers One than meets the eye. 

THE ORAL GENERATION (1973) ** ½

The Oral Generation purports to provide sexual education to the female viewer.  Seeing how an overwhelming amount of these kinds of films caters to the male audience, that’s kind of noble, I guess.  To back up that claim, the first sex scene is a long cunnilingus sequence focusing on the woman’s pleasure.  Next, we meet a housewife yearning to pleasure her husband orally who reads a book about giving head and then shows him what she learned.  Another woman fantasizes about going down on a black martial artist (his karate demonstration is humorously intercut with their lovemaking).  Then, a woman shows off her oral skills and, with a little aid from some petroleum jelly, helps her lover achieve a climax.  In the final segment, a bored housewife acquiesces to her husband’s desire to spice up their love life by allowing another woman into their bedroom. 

The movie begins with a cool look at 42nd Street where the theatre marquees advertise everything from The Bizarre Ones to a Godzilla triple feature.  Sadly, that’s about as seedy as it gets.  The Oral Generation is more of a “white coater” as it provides the audience hardcore action under the guise of “sex education”.  (We are shown many “how to” manuals and hear about laws prohibiting certain types of sexual activity.)  The dry, clinically accurate (for the time) narration enhances the educational feeling, but it consequently prevents the proceedings from getting too sexy. 

Overall, The Oral Generation is a moderately successful hardcore flick.  True to its title, it features a heavy concentration of oral scenes.  Although none of them are exactly high caliber (the nutty Kung Fu scene is at least memorable), there are certainly plenty of them to go around.  Because of that, fans with an oral fixation will no doubt walk away satisfied by this one.  Other folks will probably wish there was a little more variety on hand. 

According to IMDb, director Richard Franklin is apparently not the same Richard Franklin who made Fantasm (and Psycho 2).

POPEYE’S REVENGE (2025) ** ½

First, it was Winnie-the-Pooh.  Then, it was Mickey Mouse.  Now, it’s Popeye’s turn to star in his own low budget public domain slasher movie. 

Like Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey, Popeye’s Revenge kicks off with a crummy animated backstory for our titular slasher.  And like Blood and Honey, it’s a British production.  I wonder how come it’s always the Brits who are getting first dibs on American public domain characters and turning them into low budget slashers.  Maybe it’s payback for that whole Revolutionary War thing.

Anyway, Popeye is born with freakish forearms.  As a child, he is bullied and kills his tormentor.  A mob soon forms and sends the little tyke scurrying to the bottom of a nearby lake.  Fifteen years later, a trio of YouTubers come to the lake to make a video about him and are promptly killed off.  Meanwhile, some teens head to Popeye’s house with the intention of turning it into a haunted attraction, unaware that he is lurking about. 

Well blow me down, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. 

This version of Popeye is basically Jason in a sailor suit (and large forearms) as he kills anyone who fornicates around his lake.  Like Jason in Friday the 13th Part 3, he also crushes people’s skulls with his bare hands until their eyes pop out.  Popeye indeed.  Unlike other screen Popeyes, he doesn’t sing any Harry Nilsson songs, which gives him the slight edge over Robin Williams’ interpretation of the character. 

It may be a stupid public domain slasher, but it delivers on the gore and T & A, so what more can you really ask?  Popeye bludgeons people with an anchor, stomps on skulls, puts his fist through someone’s chest, and runs over someone with an industrial grade lawnmower.  He also does a little Predator style action when he rips someone’s spine out, and there’s a Zombie-inspired splinter in the eye gag too.  The standout scene though is when Popeye catches a dude jerking off and slams his anchor right into the poor guy’s junk mid-stroke. 

There’s another great moment where he kills Atlanta Moreno while she’s relaxing topless in a hot tub.  Moreno has one of the most memorable physiques I’ve seen in some time.  It’s just a shame she gets offed about halfway through.  Oh, and did I mention Olive Oyl is in it too?  She’s kind of like his groupie that hangs around and spooks the potential victims before Popeye shows up. 

The filmmakers did miss a bet by not making spinach an important plot point though.  Aside from finding an empty can, Popeye’s favorite vegetable doesn’t really come into play.  I was hoping he was going to get killed by the Final Girl but then ate some spinach and became freakishly strong or some shit.  Oh well. 

I did find it hilarious that when these filmmakers exploit a character that is in the public domain, they put their copyright in bold lettering on the title screen so no one can do the same thing to them for another ninety-five years. 

While it’s only seventy-nine minutes long, it does get a little bogged down in the final reel.  The last-minute backstory that cribs from A Nightmare on Elm Street was kind of unnecessary too.  Sure, Popeye’s Revenge isn’t exactly strong to the finish, but as far as these things go, you can do a lot worse. 

THE MONKEY (2025) *** ½

Osgood Perkins’ movies have always left me cold.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but be curious when I learned he was making a big screen version of the Stephen King short story, The Monkey.  The tale had already been (unofficially) adapted as notoriously shitty The Devil’s Gift, so even with Perkins at the helm, it had to be an upgrade from that flick.  The good news is The Monkey is a lot of fun.  Unlike Perkins’ previous efforts, it doesn’t take itself too seriously and has a dark sense of humor that’s often very funny.  Plus, it’s gory as all get out which is always welcome. 

Twin brothers Hal and Bill (Christian Convery) find a wind-up monkey in their dad’s closet and soon learn whenever it beats its drum, someone dies.  They quickly decide to get rid of it and throw it down a well.  Twenty-five years later, they grow up to be played by Theo James.  When a rash of ghoulish accidents plague their hometown, Hal returns to find Bill has been using the monkey to kill people. 

James is solid in the lead, but it’s the supporting cast who steal the show.  Adam Scott is funny as the father seen in flashback who frantically tries to get rid of the monkey.  Tatiana Maslany is also funny as the boys’ mother, Elijah Wood hams it up as a self-help guru, and Perkins himself gets some laughs as the boys’ creepy uncle. 

The death scenes have a Final Destination kind of vibe as they involve mishaps with a speargun, a hibachi chef, a gas stove, a swimming pool, a shotgun, a vape, and a hornets’ nest.  Guts are torn out, heads are lopped off, faces are set on fire, and bodies explode.  You know, the good shit.  There are also some funny scenes peppered along the way like a young priest giving a thoroughly awful eulogy. 

In short, The Monkey is gory, goofy fun from start to finish.  It’s easily Perkins’ best film by a country mile.  If he can turn out another banger like this one, I’d consider myself a fan. 

THE 15:17 TO PARIS (2018) **

In 2015, three American servicemen traveling through Europe stopped a terror attack aboard a train.  That’s the kind of story Hollywood loves to make a movie about.  Only a guy like Clint Eastwood would cast the real-life heroes as themselves. 

This sort of thing has a precedent, but you have to go back to the ‘50s when war hero Audie Murphy played himself in To Hell and Back.  (Something tells me these guys won’t have the same kind of career as Murphy had.)  The cheeseball sentiment that permeates the film feels like it came out of the ‘50s too.  All of this is well-intentioned to be sure, but it’s never quite successful. 

The first act flashbacks of the real-life heroes growing up play like a bad After School Special.  These scenes are oddly paced and feel more like filler than anything.  (The scenes with them in gym class where they wear camouflage shirts while everyone else wears a uniform so you can pick them out of the group are unintentionally funny.)  The second act is somewhat better, but it too often feels like an extended travelogue of Europe.  As noble and brave as these guys are, I don’t really need to see their vacation videos (and dramatized ones at that).

The act of heroism doesn’t occur till the very end and even then, it’s over pretty quickly.  I will say it is legitimately suspenseful, even if you know the outcome.  (What’s impressive is that the three friends spend more time tending to the wounded till help arrives than they do taking down the gunman.)  Until those closing moments, it’s kind of a slog. 

As far as the three stars go, I think I can give them a pass.  They equip themselves as well as can be expected, especially for nonprofessional actors.  While I’m sure “real” actors could’ve done it “better”, it’s easy to see why Eastwood thought they were the right men for the job.  However, the fact that we have recognizable stars like Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer playing two of their moms kind of throws off the “reality” Eastwood is trying to capture.  The rest of the supporting cast is mostly made up of actors known for their comic chops, which is kind of odd.  We have Thomas Lennon as the kids’ principal, Tony Hale as their gym teacher, and Jaleel White as their teacher.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Dirty Harry directed Urkel in a movie, but here we are. 

SUPER SEX (1986) ***

A psychotherapist sets out to help women who can only achieve sexual fulfillment in their dreams.  By “help”, I just mean he listens to them talk about their dreams while we watch their fantasies come alive for the camera.  One gal gets banged in the shower by her boyfriend, another has a threesome with her parents, and there’s even a patient who dreams of possessing Nina Hartley so she can fuck her husband.  The doctor eventually hits on a surefire method to cure his patients of their dreams…  Bang them right on his couch!  (I wonder if it’s covered by insurance or not.) 

Directed by Carlos (Pulsating Flesh) Tobalina, Super Sex has a sturdy structure that’s ideal to frame several sex scenes upon.  In fact, Tobalina pretty much abandons the structure in the third act as most of the last twenty minutes or so is devoted to a string of scenes of the doctor and his colleagues balling their patients.  The scenes themselves vary in quality and almost all of them are way too brief to really build much momentum, but they more than make up for it in sheer volume.

The highlight is the finale where a shrink helps Jeannie Pepper find her ideal man.  The scene where Tobalina uses jump cuts to show the horny patient is inhabiting the body of Hartley is surprisingly well done too, especially given the limited means at his disposal.  (For whatever reason, the two biggest stars in the movie, Hartley and Pepper aren’t even listed in the opening credits.)  Also, the sex scenes include plenty of three-ways and if you’re a fan of that sort of thing (Devil’s Triangle or otherwise), you should enjoy it.  (If you have a couch fetish, this will easily get Four Stars as nearly all the sex scenes occur on the therapists’ couches.)

Overall, Super Sex doesn’t exactly live up to its title but it’s certainly a better than average fuck flick.  Plus, the scenes are all filmed and choreographed in a solid manner.  Well… for a Carlos Tobalina flick, that is. 

JOURNEY TO FREEDOM (1957) *

Before he collaborated with Ed Wood on the immortal classics, Orgy of the Dead and Fugitive Girls, Stephen C. Apostolof produced this boring refugee drama.  As a bonus, it also features another Ed Wood associate, Tor Johnson, in a small role.  It was also shot by Wood’s usual cinematographer, William C. Thompson. Robert C. Dertano was the director, but it’s a far cry from his fun wrestling women melodrama, Racket Girls. 

Stephan (Jacques Scott) is a political prisoner in Bulgaria who is jailed by the communist regime for inciting a riot.  With the help of some pals, he breaks out of prison and heads to Turkey where he gets a job playing piano in a dive bar.  Then, it’s off to Paris where he joins the Resistance by broadcasting on Radio Free Europe.  Eventually, he makes his way to America where he settles down and gets married, but it isn’t long before his old enemies rear their ugly heads and frame him for murder. 

The story no doubt resonated with Apostolof (he co-wrote the script) as he himself was a Bulgarian refugee.  However, he sorely misread the need for this film as Joe Average American moviegoer doesn’t give a fuck about Bulgaria.  Then again, it might’ve helped if Journey to Freedom was… you know… good. 

The overuse of stock footage for the opening riot is very Woodian, as is the constant (and sometimes confusing) narration supplied by the villain who drops in during nearly every scene to remind the audience he’s closing in on our main character.  Despite the Wood connection, the movie it reminded me the most of was Coleman Francis’ Red Zone Cuba, which is less than a ringing endorsement to be sure.  While that film was spectacularly inept, this one is mostly just deadly dull. 

Tor is memorable as an angry Turk who picks a fight with our piano playing hero.  He’s the only bright spot in an otherwise dreary and forgettable picture.  Too bad he’s only in one scene. 

In short, this is one journey not worth taking. 

BLACK BAG (2025) **

Michael Fassbender stars in this dreary spy thriller from director Steven Soderbergh as a government agent who is given one week to flush out a traitor in the organization.  He must proceed with caution when he learns that one of the suspects is none other than his wife (Cate Blanchett), who is also a spy in the same bureau.  He eventually comes to the conclusion that they are both pawns in a larger scheme. 

For a movie about a husband suspecting his wife of treason, there doesn’t seem to be much immediacy to the situation and there’s very little suspense to boot.  Soderbergh’s cold and detached handling of the material doesn’t do it any favors either as the film is a sterile and often joyless experience.  There’s something to be said for a spy picture with a dry sense of humor about it, but Black Bag is humorless and downright arid most of the time. 

It’s a shame Black Bag is such a dud because the pairing of Fassbender and Blanchett had potential.  They are thrilling to watch separately in other films.   While they have flashes of chemistry here and there; they never really connect with each other or the audience.  That’s more the fault of the script than anything as the flick is often a slow moving, lumbering slog.  The supporting cast including Rege-Jean Page and Naomie Harriis do what they can, but most of them never speak above a stern whisper.  It is cool seeing James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan as Fassbender’s boss though, even if he’s not given much to work with. 

From Jurassic Park to Snake Eyes to Spider-Man, David Koepp’s scripts are usually crackling good, but this one is strangely inert and uninvolving.  Soderbergh gives the film a muted visual palate that is reminiscent of ‘70s thrillers.  The finished product comes off looking rather drab and unmemorable, much like the film itself.  Soderbergh and Koepp also collaborated on the ghost flick Presence (which was almost as blah as this one) the same year.  

Fassbender gets the best line of the movie while giving an associate a polygraph tests and asks her, “Will you please release your sphincter muscle?”

SUPERMAN (2025) ***

James Gunn’s Superman is an overstuffed reset of the DC Universe that suffers from trying to juggle too many balls at once, often at the expense of its title character.  That said, when Gunn threads the needle and brings the elements together, the results are great fun.  The film isn’t afraid to be goofy as it unabashedly embraces its comic book nature.  Whereas the Richard Donner original bent over backwards to ground itself in reality to make us believe a man could fly, here, a man flying around with superpowers is probably the least weird thing in the movie. 

Gunn eschews the standard origin story by dropping us right into the action.  (Although that often makes it feel like a sequel, which doesn’t help the overall feeling of déjà vu.)  Superman (David Corenswet) has ruffled the government’s feathers by taking sides in a war between two countries, if only because he was trying to save innocent lives.  Meanwhile, tech billionaire Lex Luthor (Nicholas Hoult) is using his seemingly unlimited resources in order to bring the Man of Steel down. 

The main drawback in Superman is that Superman often feels like a supporting player in his own movie.  Gunn is a veteran of the Guardians of the Galaxy and Suicide Squad, both known for their big, colorful casts.  It’s as if he felt more comfortable with a big cast and made Superman just another face in the crowd.  There’s “The Justice Gang” (who are not quite The Justice League yet), including Mister Terrific (Edi Gathegi), Green Lantern (Nathan Fillion), and Hawkgirl (Isabela Merced).  Metamorpho (Anthony Carrigan) is Superman’s cellmate when he’s imprisoned inside a “pocket universe”.  Luthor has other “Meta Humans” like The Engineer and Ultraman, whom he uses as bodyguards.  The various superhero battles are fine, but kind of pale in comparison to some of the other superhero movies we’ve seen lately.  (I also found it odd that the finale more or less rips off The Lego Batman Movie.)

The best part is Superman’s dog, Krypto, who steals every scene he’s in.  Gunn isn’t afraid to get weird with a major IP, which is refreshing.  Having a flying dog in the mix offers some levity to the film and gives it a personality that sets it apart from the rest of the pack. 

Corenswet is quite good as Supes, but you wish the film gave him more opportunities to show his stuff.  His Superman is blissfully naive and always does the right thing, even if his actions have consequences that he’s unprepared for.  He’s especially good in his scenes with Rachel Brosnahan as Lois Lane.  The scene where she interviews him is quite different than the one in the 1978 original as she mercilessly grills him for his actions.  It’s one of the bright spots in the movie and it’s a shame the duo didn’t share more scenes of this caliber together. 

In fact, it sometimes feels like Hoult is the real star as Lex Luthor probably gets as much, if not more screen time than Superman.  The good news is he’s excellent and his ruthlessness and single-mindedness makes him a detestable villain.  The scenes of him in his base of operations surrounded by techies trying to help him defeat Superman are unique and the ways he uses social media to discredit Superman is novel.  (The revelation of who is running his social media smear campaign is one of the biggest laughs in the movie.)  Sara Sampaio’s Miss Tessmacher is a lot of fun too. 

It’s 129 minutes but honestly, I wish it was longer.  It would’ve been nice had Gunn allowed the film to breathe a little bit here and there.  Even then, the prevailing sense of fun keeps it firmly in the win column.  While I kind of missed the sense of grandeur Donner and Snyder brought to the character, Gunn’s brand of earnest goofiness is spot-on for this interpretation of the character.  

Many of my quibbles might not even matter upon repeated viewings.  It’s just that there’s a lot to take in for a first-time watch (especially some of the tinkering of Superman’s backstory).  However, Corenswet is the goods, and I can’t wait to see him flying high again soon.  

GODS AND MONSTERS (1998) *** ½

Ian McKellen stars as James Whale, the director of Frankenstein who is living out his twilight years in his home with his faithful housekeeper (Lynn Redgrave) by his side.  While recovering from a mini-stroke, Whale befriends his gardener (Brendan Fraser) and asks him to pose for a sketch.  It winds up being a ruse as the lonely director just wants, as Frankenstein’s monster put it, “a friend”. 

Written and directed by Bill Condon and executive produced by Clive Barker, Gods and Monsters is less a biopic and more of a portrait of a man coming to grips with death.  While there are flashbacks to Whale’s younger years, the most entertaining is the making of Bride of Frankenstein (seeing actors in the familiar make-up and costumes riffing on their surroundings is a lot of fun), much of the film revolves around Whale and his gardener. 

McKellen is excellent as Whale, who slowly accepts the fact that a man can’t choose his legacy.  In the film’s most memorable scene, Whale, weary of the fact an interviewer only wants to know about Frankenstein, tells the young man he will only continue the interview if he will remove an article of clothing for each question asked.  This may be viewed by some as “predatory” by today’s standards, but in the film, it just comes off as Whale being a horny old eccentric. 

With his military flattop haircut and angular features, Fraser is made to resemble Frankenstein’s monster if you squint hard enough.  Whale likes him not so much because of his predilection for young men, but mostly because he carry on conversations about other things besides Frankenstein.  Fraser admirably holds his own alongside McKellen. Scenes that sort of mirror Bride (like the two men smoking cigars) are amusing, and Condon wisely doesn’t go without going overboard with it.  (Although the dream scene where Fraser performs brain surgery on McKellen is a little on the nose.)  We also get a cool scene where they cut back and forth to both men watching Bride on TV. 

Gods and Monsters is a strong and entertaining film.  Fans of movies about movies (especially horror movies) will enjoy it immensely.  Fans of LGBT cinema will also find it engaging.  It’s a solemn but heartfelt reminder that we are often more complicated and complex than our reputations suggest. 

MITCH GOES APE ON THE DTVC PODCAST

I was fortunate to once again appear on the DTVC Podcast with our good friend Matt.  On this episode we got to talk about the wonderfully WTF kids movie, The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle.  Give it a listen here:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtvc-podcast-221-the-rare-blue-apes-of-cannibal-isle/id903755371?i=1000719723892 

PULSATING FLESH (1986) **

Peter Longfellow (Ray Hardin) has the curious problem of getting his girlfriends pregnant every time they make love.  He then decides to earn a little extra money from his predicament by offering his services to couples and wealthy women who are looking to conceive.  A lesbian couple hear about Peter’s exploits on television and decide to enlist in his services. 

Directed by Carlos (Marilyn and the Senator) Tobalina, Pulsating Flesh uses a plot device of having Peter appear on a talk show and relating his experiences to the host in the form of “clips” he has prepared.  Naturally, the host (Tamara Longley, a blonde who wears a belly chain and has a tattoo on her butt) asks for a demonstration on live TV and he is only happy to give it to her.  (If you know what I mean.) 

For variety’s sake, we also get to see the lesbian couple watching the action unfold on TV who get so turned on by watching Peter do his thing that they decide to boink each other on a waterbed.  Even though these two plot lines eventually intersect in the finale, the lesbian scenes aren’t very hot and feel more like filler than anything else.  Also disappointing is the fact that they bring out two strap-ons early on but never seem to figure out how to use them.  You’ve heard of Chekhov’s Gun?  Well, that applies to strap-on dildos as well. 

The camerawork is sloppy and despite a solid enough premise, the sex/impregnation scenes themselves are curiously flat.  It’s also kind of hard to believe that Peter is able to get so many women pregnant when he’s always pulling out and cumming on their bellies.  Then again, believability isn’t something you have come to expect from a Carlos Tobalina film.  The cutting back and forth from the talk show to the lesbians’ bedroom antics is really herky-jerky too and winds up making the movie feel much longer than it really is.  The lame comic relief sound effects when the guys ejaculate don’t really do anything to enhance the mood either. 

Harry Reems gets top billing but is in only one scene as a horny milkman who spies on our hero banging two “bisexual teenagers” (they look like they’re in their ‘30s) and eventually joins in on the fun. 

A SMELL OF HONEY A SWALLOW OF BRINE (1966) ***

Stacey Walker is simply dynamite in this notorious roughie from director Byron (Space Thing) Mabe and producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman.  Walker only had one other feature to her credit and it’s a shame she didn’t make more movies because she is far and away the best thing about the film. 

Walker plays Sharon Winters, a woman who in less enlightened times would be referred to as a “tease”.  She leads men on and just as they are about to do the deed, she cries rape.  She even gets one boyfriend sent to jail on sexual assault charges.  Sharon then sets her sights on a handsome new coworker who is driven crazy thanks to her teasing.  Eventually, she meets a smooth nightclub singer (Bob Todd) who just might be her match. 

Walker gives us a definitive portrayal of a maneater.  She is sexy, surly, cold, cruel, calculating, and her performance is nothing short of riveting.  She gets several nude scenes throughout the picture, whether it’s during sex, taking a bath, conspicuously getting naked to turn on her potential suitors, or appearing in their bondage fantasies.  (She is shown as both the aggressive dominatrix and the helpless submissive and either way you look at her, she looks equally hot.)

The highlight is when Sharon welcomes the advances of her lesbian roommate Paula (Sharon Carr) and allows her to give her a sensual massage but kicks her out of bed right before things get too hot and heavy.  As she leaves, Sharon scolds, “Paula, I may be a bitch, but I’ll never be a butch!”  If that sounds familiar to you, it’s because this snippet has been used by Something Weird in their DVD intros for decades.  No matter how many times you see this moment, it still packs a punch.

Today’s viewers will probably label the film “problematic” and it kind of is, but that’s what makes it work.  The movie’s messy morality (along with Walker’s performance) helps set it apart from the countless other roughies made at the same time.  Todd’s number, “I Want a Woman” is a legitimate toe-tapper too and it will get stuck in your head for days.  The cinematography by Laszlo Kovacs is also excellent, even if the print is a little jumpy. 

Mabe and Friedman’s next collaboration was She Freak. 

M3GAN 2.0 (2025) ***

M3GAN was a certified instant classic.  The question is, what do you do for an encore?  Writer/director Gerard Johnstone’s motto seems to be bigger is better.  While the final result might not be “better”, it’s amusing to see the lengths he will go to just to entertain an audience, even if he isn’t always successful. 

Two years have passed since the killer robot M3GAN tried to kill her creator Gemma (Allison Williams) and her niece Cady (Violet McGraw).  When Amelia (Ivanna Sakhno), an AI powered government assassin goes rogue, she sets her sights on crippling the country’s infrastructure.  It’s then up to Gemma to reboot M3GAN to fight Amelia.  The question is, can she be trusted?

The original was a fun horror flick, and this sequel is like a complete 180 as it’s more of a Sci-Fi action comedy.  The early nod to Steven Seagal is the tip-off that there’s going to be more wrist-snapping and shootouts than stabbing and decapitations.  The film is also set in the T2 mold where the robot villain from the first movie makes a pact to not kill anyone and protect the heroes.  I mean, it’s like I always say:  If you’ve got to steal from somebody, steal from the best.  (I also liked the visual nod to Metropolis.)

The big drawback this time out isn’t necessarily the shift in tone, but rather the sheer length.  It clocks in at two hours, which is about a half-hour longer than it really needed to be.  It’s got a lot of nifty ideas, but Johnston could’ve easily streamlined this thing down a bit.  The long winded exposition scenes could’ve been edited out completely and the first act in particular drags. 

Then again, when the film hits its stride, it’s entertaining as hell.  It’s messy and uneven, but it also contains some big laughs.  It’s brimming with invention and most importantly, fun.  M3GAN sings.  She dances.  She kicks ass.  She may not kill in this one, but she does fly, so there is that.  And when M3GAN flies, so does the human spirit. 

ARREBATO (1979) **

A junkie horror film director named Jose (Eusebio Poncela) meets his girlfriend’s eccentric cousin Pedro (Will More) who obsessively films everything.  He also sends Jose bizarre audio tapes, which makes it sound like he’s slowly going crazy.  He then begins to think back to the first time he met Pedro and became fascinated by his experimental and offbeat films.  When Pedro mysteriously disappears, Jose watches his last film hoping to get a clue to what happened. 

Pedro’s ultimate goal is to send the viewer into “rapture” by showing them seemingly unconnected images that have been sped up and slowed down.  Well, while you watch Arrebato (which is Spanish for “Rapture”), you will probably feel anything but rapturous.  Even though there is a kernel of an interesting story here, it never really pops.  Long portions of the flick play like a hangout movie as the director and his girlfriend laze about getting stoned and listening to Pedro’s tapes.  While the ending is OK, it’s a long time coming and the nearly two hour running time doesn’t help matters either. 

Although I watched this on Shudder, it isn’t really a horror movie as it is more about obsession.  Jose’s black and white film-within-a-film that is seen early on is extremely atmospheric as it looks like a silent movie directed by Rob Zombie.  It’s a shame that kind of vibe didn’t carry over into the rest of the movie.  Some of Pedro’s offbeat films (which take up more screen time than necessary) are sort of interesting, but they become monotonous after a while. 

The film slides back and forth between timelines, characters, and “reel” and “real” life quite often.  The goal was to create the hallucinatory sensations Pedro felt while he was in the depths of his madness.  It’s only intermittently successful.  While it might’ve worked as a short, director Ivan Zulueta just can’t sustain the spell for the entire running time. 

The weirdo Pedro gets the best line of the movie when he says, “My whole life was like one big wank without coming!”

AKA:  Rapture.

SINNERS (2025) **

Michael B. Jordan and Michael B. Jordan star as twin bootleggers who return to their hometown in the ‘30s to open a juke joint.  Opening night is marred however when a trio of vampires show up looking to put the bite on the revelers. 

Directed by Ryan (Creed) Coogler, Sinners is a period horror movie where the horror almost feels like an afterthought.  (It turns on its heels from crime drama to vampire flick just like From Dusk Till Dawn.)  Since the horror elements don’t really come into play until the film is halfway over, much of the focus is on the pair of brothers trying to give something back to their community.  That’s admirable, but it is liable to disappoint anyone expecting a balls-out horror flick. 

The idea of Jordan playing twins is intriguing, but there little here other than their wardrobe to differentiate their characters.  (One wears a red hat and the other wears a blue.)  Also, some of the greenscreen stuff where the brothers appear alongside each other looks a little wonky in more than a few scenes. 

Speaking of wonky, there’s a really baffling scene about halfway through that pretty much stops the movie on a dime.  As the patrons of the juke joint are dancing to blues music, the camera swirls around the dancefloor when out of nowhere, we see anachronistic DJs spinning records, 21st century fly girls twerking, and African tribal dancers running around the place.  This scene is painfully on the nose as Coogler is hammering home the fact that rap music comes from the blues.  It’s a real head scratcher to be sure.  I mean it’s almost like some live-action Schoolhouse Rock shit.  Or maybe a bad Disneyland ride.  (Or worse, EPCOT.)  It’s a particularly weird choice, especially in what is meant to be a horror movie.  Conversely, there is no such visual extravagance when it comes time for the vampires’ Irish folk dance sequence.  (Yes, you read that right.)

As a horror show, it’s lukewarm at best.  Too much of the movie is spent on the old “vampires have to be invited in” trope and not enough on the bloodsucking.  The idea that the (lily white) head vampire wants the (black) blues’ player’s songs makes this an obvious statement about cultural appropriation, but it would’ve been better served had Coogler not went overboard and made the subtext text. 

I’m certainly glad Coogler tried to do something different this time out and got to stretch his muscles outside of franchise movies.  Sometimes big swings like this don’t exactly pay off.  Then again, it was a big hit (though I’m kind of perplexed why), so what do I know? 

Delroy Lindo gives the best performance as a down on his luck harmonica player who gets the best line of the movie when he says, “White folks like the blues just fine, they just don’t like the people that make it!”

DEN OF THIEVES: PANTERA (2025) **

Gerard Butler returns as “Big Nick”, who is still on the trail of thief Donnie (O’Shea Jackson Jr.).  He follows him all the way to Europe where he and a new crew are planning to rob the World Diamond Authority.  The surprise is he doesn’t want to bust Donnie.  Big Nick wants to join his team and get a piece of the action. 

This sequel swaps out money for diamonds and L.A. for Europe.  Whereas the inspiration for the original was Heat, this one seems to be a riff on another Robert De Niro actioner, Ronin.  (Jackson’s team even uses the word “Ronin” as a call sign during a heist early on in the movie.)  There’s also a little bit of an inverse X-Men 2 thing going on where the hero teams up with the villain. 

Director Christian Gudegast (who also helmed the original) delivers a slick looking picture, but there’s just not a whole lot going on under its glossy veneer.  What’s worse is that it moves slowly and sluggishly.  I enjoyed the first movie, even though I felt it was unnecessarily long.  This one is even longer, clocking in at a whopping two and a half hours.  The set-up for the heist is needlessly meticulous (almost to the point of being OCD) and some of the suspense sequences never quite pop.  (One heist scene feels like an extreme version of the schoolyard game, Red Light, Green Light.)  Also, the additional character moments don’t really add anything to the mix and only contribute to the film’s already bloated running time. 

The big issue though is that Donnie seems to bring Big Nick into his fold way too easily.  I guess if he didn’t, we wouldn’t have a movie.  That said, you never quite buy Big Nick’s heel turn, which predictably results in his Point Break-style morality crisis later in the film. 

With macho bluster to spare, Butler remains entertaining to watch.  Whether shaking down crooks or dancing on ecstasy or biting into shawarma, he provides the movie with a shot in the arm whenever it begins to flag.  Unfortunately, these brief flashes are the only times when Pantera rocks. 

AKA:  Criminal Squad 2.  AKA:  Criminal Squad:  Pantera.  AKA:  Den of Thieves 2:  Pantera.

AZRAEL (2024) **

After the Rapture, the folks who have been left behind (see what I did there) have all become mute.  One woman (Samara Weaving) is kidnapped by a cult who tie her up and try to sacrifice her to a crispy looking monster.  She narrowly escapes and takes off into the woods where she is pursued by not only the monster, but the vengeful cult members as well. 

Written by Simon (You’re Next) Barrett and directed by E.L. (Cheap Thrills) Katz, Azrael has its moments but is a bit underwhelming overall.  Despite the religious implications (and all the Bible verses that act as chapter breaks), this is less a Christian horror flick and more of a rip-off of A Quiet Place since no one in the movie talks.  The odd thing is that the filmmakers never take advantage of the gimmick.  There is one scene where Weaving meets a guy who speaks gibberish and neither she nor the audience can understand him.  However, there’s no real payoff or purpose for everyone to be mute, so why even bother? 

Weaving is one of my favorite actresses working today but giving her a role that requires her to be mute does her a great disservice.  Because she can’t speak, it forces her to do a lot of acting with her eyes and to her credit, she does just about everything you could ask from her.  It’s just that the thin script and drab visuals of the film let her down.  Also, the monsters, who just look like a bunch of guys who got burnt up in a fire, are weak.  The human villains are even worse as they basically look like a tribe of homeless people and lack any true menace. 

On the plus side, the gore is decent.  The scenes of the monsters drinking people’s blood are juicy, and there is not one but two gnarly decapitations.  I give props to Katz and Barrett for the ballsy ending, but honestly, it’s a long time coming.  Weaving is striking while covered in blood and brandishing a machine gun though.  It’s just a shame the filmmakers couldn’t build a film around her that was worthy of that image.

AKA:  Azrael:  Angel of Death.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS (1978) ** ½

Debbie Does Dallas is one of the most iconic porno movies of all time.  It was made when everyone was going crazy for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, so spinning the idea of sexy cheerleaders into a sex flick was a no-brainer.  Oddly enough, it never quite lives up to its title. 

The plot is simple.  Bambi Woods stars as Debbie, who along with her high school cheerleading team is trying to raise money for their trip to Texas.  It doesn’t take them long to figure out the best way to make money is the old-fashioned way.  

Like most classics of the genre, Debbie Does Dallas seems kind of quaint now, especially after so many imitators and sequels.  Most of the scenes are tame and the few that manage to be potentially hot are over before they can gather much steam.  

Many of the sex scenes involve threesomes, if you’re into that kind of thing.  The first scene has some football players banging a pair of cheerleaders in the shower.  Next, a girl masturbates with a candlestick before getting it on with an older couple.  Then, two girls earn money by washing a guy’s car before learning more can be made by letting him in their backseat.  (If you know what I mean.)  Another girl gets caught giving head in the library and is spanked by the horny old librarian.  That’s followed by a girl taking on two guys in a sauna.  Then, two chicks blow a guy in a record store.  Finally, Debbie dons her cheerleading outfit and bangs her boss (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust). 

One surprising thing about Debbie Does Dallas is that Debbie isn’t in it a whole lot.  Plus, she doesn’t come close to doing enough people to approximate the population of Dallas.  There’s also not much cheerleading either, which is disappointing.  Woods, who only appeared in a handful of movies (most of which were in the Debbie series), is charming though, which helps. 

The best thing I can say about it is that it feels like a real movie.  This was made during the second wave of the porno chic era.  It was post-Behind the Green Door and Devil in Miss Jones, but still at a point where it looked like porn could go legitimate.  It has the feel of a Hollywood production (okay, a drive-in B movie), but with hardcore scenes.  While it falls short of its reputation, I still liked it just fine.  It certainly works better as a cultural relic than as eroticism though. 

AKA:  Hi!  Hi!  Debbie!  AKA:  Dallas Lolitas.  

PASS THRU (2016) ****

The man, the myth, the legend, Neil Breen returns with yet another magnum opus.  Pass Thru features all of Breen’s hallmarks:  Scenes of Breen playing an all-powerful being who walks aimlessly through the desert, tigers, random suicides, and tons of vitriol being spewed at crooked lawyers, politicians, and bankers.  In short, it’s another banger by Breen. 

This time, Breen sets his sights on the immigration problem.  Two women flee a caravan of people leaving “their country” (which country is never stated) when drug runners try to gun them down.  They take off into the desert where they stumble upon Thgil (Breen), a junkie who offers them shelter.  Little do they know he’s actually AI from the future in human form who has been sent back in time to eliminate corrupt and evil people. 

Pass Thru is easily identifiable as a work of manic genius right from the get-go.  Breen’s absolute refusal to use transition and/or establishing shots will give you whiplash as the film plays out in a series of visual non-sequiturs.  The acting is terrible (especially by the female leader of the caravan), which only adds to the hilarity. 

As with I am Here… Now, Breen plays another whacked-out deity.  In the film’s most memorably bonkers sequence (Spoilers for a batshit crazy Neil Breen movie), he causes “The Cleanse”, which is like a reverse Rapture and makes all the bad people on Earth disappear.  Then, he goes all Network on our ass and commandeers a TV news studio and rants and raves about corruption in business, government, and other American institutions. 

The funniest bit though is after he makes all the gunmen leading the caravan disappear.  What does he tell the grateful refugees crossing over to the United States trying to start a new life?  “GO HOME!  Make a difference THERE!”  Incredible. 

Not many directors can be called true auteurs, but Breen is certainly one of them.  He trots out all his tried-and-true themes and visual motifs yet again and wears his heart on his sleeve, technical and budgetary limitations be damned.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, could make a movie like Pass Thru in a million years.  Very few directors begin their career with banger after banger, but Double Down, I am Here… Now, Fateful Findings, and Pass Thru are about as good/bad as you can get 

In Breen we trust. 

I AM HERE…. NOW (2009) ****

Of all the Neil Breen movies I have subjected myself to lately, this one is my favorite.  It’s a perfect crystallization of his ideas, themes, motifs, fetishes, and cinematic wizardry.  It’s also one of the funniest movies of all time. 

What makes Breen’s films work is his absolute dedication to the piece.  He believes everything he’s saying and the unabashed way he wears his heart on his sleeve while simultaneously falling short on a technical level is reminiscent of both Tom Laughlin’s Billy Jack pictures and Ed Wood’s best work.  Whatever may be lacking in terms of plot, dialogue, editing, coherence, logic, and sanity, Breen’s message shines through and his passion is evident.  Because of that, his movies are like a trip inside his mind.  I am Here…. Now is simply a unique and unforgettable experience. 

Breen stars as “The Being” who is kind of like Robo-Space-Jesus.  He appears in the middle of the desert in a white robe and what looks like a computer motherboard glued to his chest.  He becomes disgusted to learn humans are not using solar energy to its fullest and is repulsed by corrupt government officials and lawyers who are preventing the technology from reaching its fullest potential.  (No, really.)  He also tries to help two sisters who have lost their jobs at the solar energy plant and have turned to selling themselves on the streets to provide their family.  (Represented by a rubber baby doll in a stroller.)

Speaking of baby dolls, the scene where Breen walks through the desert past several severed doll heads is legitimately cool looking and would make for a great album cover.  The rest of the movie is about as unintentionally hilarious as they come.  I had to stop and rewind scenes to relive the nonsensical story beats and jaw-dropping dialogue a second time.  My favorite line comes when one of the sisters says she will hide her sex work from her boyfriend by saying, “I’ll tell him I got a part-time job at the mall!”

Breen’s rage at corruption in Washington is on full display here.  I don’t want to spoil anything for you but as is the case in most of Breen’s work, the corrupt officials all get what’s coming to them.  This time in biblical fashion. 

I also loved the scenes where the Being punishes people for their wicked deeds.  There’s a great bit with an old guy in a wheelchair (“Cancer chemo kicked my ass!”) gets knocked down by a passerby and Robo-Space-Jesus makes his eyeballs bleed.  These moments have a real Billy Jack type feel to them.  If Billy Jack was a partially robotic deity from outer space, that is. 

I am Here… Now is Breen’s finest hour.  It’s like a ‘70s Ron Ormond religious movie directed by Tommy Wiseau.  You’ll laugh.  You’ll cry.  You’ll laugh so hard that you’ll cry again.  In short, Neil Breen is Bad Movie Jesus and we all should worship him. 

DOUBLE DOWN (2005) ****

Double Down was the first cinematic endeavor by the King of Grade Z WTF independent filmmaking, Neil Breen.  It features all the hallmarks he would carry throughout his filmography.  There are random shots of skulls, scenes of him furiously typing away on his laptop, long stretches of him roaming through the desert, enough stock footage to draw comparisons to Ed Wood (such as scenes of the Las Vegas skyline, NASA stock footage, and random shots of planes taking off and landing), and the most random close-ups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

Another Breen trademark:  He stars as an all-powerful hero with mysterious and vague powers who is seemingly infallible, incorruptible, and spouts anti-capitalism New Agey nonsense.  Breen is a shadowy agent who lives out in the desert who has orders to bring Las Vegas to a standstill using his advanced satellite technology that he runs out of the trunk of his sedan.  He’s also a part-time bioterrorist who can bring down major cities should his employers ever think to double-cross him.  Eventually, he has a crisis of conscience and sets out to stop his own plan. 

Most of the time, Breen walks around by himself while mind-numbing narration plays over the action.  (If you can call it that.)  The visions and flashbacks of his dead wife are also humorous, but it’s the scene where Neil reacts to her dead body that may go down as his all-time best moment on screen.  As he holds her corpse close to him, he lets out a quick little yelp that sounds more like a reaction someone would have to a paper cut or hangnail; not exactly losing the love of your life.  Oh, and did I mention Neil is NAKED in this scene?  Of course, because why wouldn’t he be?  (Gratuitous nudity by Neil is yet another Breen trademark.)  Despite coming perilously close to seeing his little Breener, you’ll be scrambling for the rewind button to play this scene over and over again. Trust me.

The movie is chockfull of scenes where Breen spouts out fortune cookie wisdom while banging away at his computer.  His diatribes are a word salad of mystical gobbledygook and indecipherable technobabble.  The so-called action scenes are jaw-dropping.  Folks, you haven’t lived until you see Neil get the drop on absolutely no one at all, shoot the nonexistent gunmen, and then nonchalantly wipe their blood off his face. 

In short, Double Down is a modern WTF classic that will have you scratching your head and laughing your ass off in equal measure. 

BODACIOUS TA’TA’S (1983) ***

Alex (Dave Cannon) throws a bachelor party for his stepson Jim (Greg Ruffner) at a strip club.  After a few drinks, their pal Jack (Ron Jeremy) pays a few of the dancers to have a private party back at Alex’s place.  It doesn’t take long before the girls start earning their money and give the boys a real show in the bedroom. 

The first act of Bodacious Ta’Ta’s is mostly devoted to stripteases rather than sex as it’s primarily set inside the strip club.  It’s hard to complain though, especially when you have Kitten Natividad, Bridgette Monet, and Patty Plenty doing the stripping.  Patty performs a particularly memorable tassel twirling number that’s not to be missed and Kitten’s dances are great too. 

We do get a few strong XXX scenes once the action finally switches back to the house.  They include straight fuck scenes, anal, and voyeurism.  It takes a while before Kitten gets in on the fun, but her steamy lesbian scene with Patty is more than worth the wait. 

Jeremy is funny as the sleazy, fast-talking friend, but it’s the ladies in the cast that make it recommended.  Monet is as sexy as ever and has a steamy romp in the bedroom.  Plenty lives up to her name too as she also gets fucked with panache. 

The movie really belongs to Kitten.  Even though she only partakes in the hardcore action at the very end (she didn’t start doing Guy on Girl scenes in porn until the ‘90s), her sexy strip numbers are quite eye-popping.  Heck, even the scenes where she just sits there while Jeremy feels her up are kinda hot. 

So, if you’re watching Bodacious Ta’Ta’s with the expectation of watching Kitten embroiled in some heated and hardcore XXX action, you may be a tad disappointed by this one.  In fact, it often feels like a “real” movie before the sex scenes begin to dominate in the second half.  That’s really a testament to director Paul G. (Stiff Competition) Vatelli’s work behind the camera.  (Even though the film is primarily set in two locations, it still feels rather polished.)  While she may not go all the way with the male members of the cast, it’ll still be worth a watch if you’re a fan of Kitten, if only to see her shaking her certifiably bodacious assets. 

ROADSHOW TRAILERS VOL. 1 (199?) ***

Here’s a Something Weird compilation of trailers for movies that could only be shown as roadshow attractions.  These are films that tackled taboo (for the time) subject matter like sex and drugs.  Because of that, “respectable” theaters wouldn’t touch them.  Most of these were “scare” films meant to “educate” the moviegoing public, but nine times out of ten they were just good old-fashioned exploitation.  Producers would also throw in a lot of ballyhoo and sell pamphlets that pertained to whatever scandalous topic the picture claimed to warn against to further increase profits. 

Some of the topics and subgenres that are covered include drug scare pictures like Hopped-Up (starring Timothy Farrell), Devil’s Harvest, and Assassin of Youth.  “Family” pictures are represented by the likes of Test Tube Babies, Mom and Dad, and Tomorrow’s Children.  Then of course, there’s salacious “Adults Only” sexploitation such as The Flesh Merchant, Slaves in Bondage, and Child Bride.  There is also a heavy concentration of jungle pictures (most of which rely on native nudity as a selling point) like The Virgin Goddess, Mau Mau!, and The Gorilla Woman, and Burlesque features including A Virgin in Hollywood, Vegas Nights, and Woman’s a Fool (an all-black cast effort).  Ed Wood is also well-represented as we also get previews for Jail Bait, I Changed My Sex (AKA:  Glen or Glenda?), The Violent Years, and The Sinister Urge. 

The highlights come courtesy of the coming attractions for The Lash of the Penitentes (which features some surprising nudity), Vanishing Gangsters (a documentary on real life gangsters), Nudist Life (which humorously misspells “Nudist Park” as “Nudest Park”), and producer Kroger Babb’s personal message about the godless Communists in Half-Way to Hell.  Along the way, there are some great taglines.  A few of my favorites include Marihuana (“Divulging heretofore unheard of orgies of youth’s dissipation!”), I Want a Baby (“Teen-age girls with speed to spare and rarin’ to go!”), Karamoja (“See men pay for their young brides with cattle!”), and Blonde Pickup (“Now at last!  Life in the raw!”).

Even though most of the movies featured here are from the ‘30s, ‘40s, and ‘50s, there is still plenty of nudity, jaw-dropping subject matter, and camp value here.  Even in two-minute trailer form, the films contain more T & A than the previews seen in today’s theaters.  Overall, it’s a fine sampling of the roadshow and scare picture genres.  It features many of the best-known films of the era and many deep cuts and rarities.  Fans of this sort of thing are sure to find plenty of obscure titles to add to their watchlist. 

The complete list of trailers is as follows:  Karamoja, The Virgin Goddess, Hopped-Up, Test Tube Babies, Youth Aflame, Gambling With Souls, Maniac, Lash of the Penitentes, A Virgin in Hollywood, Mau Mau!, Vegas Nights, Souls in Pawn, Bedroom Fantasy, Pin Down Girls, Buxom Beautease, Mom & Dad, Vanishing Gangsters, Karamoja (a slightly different trailer than the first), Peek-A-Boo, Unmarried Mothers, The ABC's of Love, The Art of Burlesque, Outrages of the Orient, Atrocities of Manila, B-Girl Rhapsody, Bagdad After Midnite, Hollywood Burlesque, Devil's Harvest, The Devil's Sleep, Nudist Life, Ding Dong, Halfway to Hell, Tomorrow's Children, Marihuana, The Flesh Merchant, Jail Bait, Malamu, Forbidden Adventure, Slaves in Bondage, Assassin of Youth, The Gorilla Woman, I Changed My Sex, Escort Girl, Child Bride, I Want a Baby, Tijuana After Midnite, Woman's A Fool, The Violent Years, The Sinister Urge, and The Legend of Bigger Thomas. 

CADE: THE TORTURED CROSSING (2023) * ½

Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is Neil Breen’s sequel to Twisted Pair.  This might be Breen at his Breeniest.  Although I loved Fateful Findings and enjoyed Twisted Pair, my resolve was severely tested with this one.  “Tortured” indeed. 

Breen returns as Cade, the superhuman hero.  He bestows a bunch of money to a hospital sight unseen and is horrified when he learns the place is a dump.  Even worse is the fact the doctors are performing illicit experiments on the patients.  Cade’s evil twin Cale (also Breen) assists the doctors by kidnapping homeless teens in exchange for drugs.  Cade then teaches the teens to fight and together, they take back the hospital. 

There is one scene that is so purely Breenian that it will make your head spin.  I’m tempted not to spoil it for you, but I feel it’s worth mentioning, if only to sort of get you interested, as much of the rest of the film is a slog.  This scene finds Breen walking through a green-screened meadow (99% of the movie uses greenscreen) where he runs into a poorly CGI white tiger and they proceed to fight.  Then, they become friends, and the tiger transforms into a hot babe with big boobs.  This scene is WTF bliss and deserves to be shown in any compilation of Z-grade bad movies.  This moment alone is worth at least One Star in my book. 

There’s another sequence that’s not quite as nutty, but it did make me laugh pretty good.  That was the impromptu dance scene with all the teenage patients.  That was good for a Half-Star.  These two admittedly goofy bits are the only bright spots in the film. 

Sadly, the rest of Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is a mess.  It’s nowhere near as fun as his previous work as the scenes with the patients get repetitive in a hurry.  Sure, there are some chuckles here and there (like when Breen repairs an SUV with his mind), but the awful dialogue and awkward editing just doesn’t quite have the same zest of his previous entries. 

The over-reliance on greenscreen work is mind boggling.  Instead of just finding a location and filming there, Breen just inserts himself and his cast onto stock photos he found on the internet.  Only a director like Neil Breen would do something like this.  Because of that, I guess you could call this technique “Breen screen”. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD (2025) ***

General “Thunderbolt” Ross (Harrison Ford) is now President of the United States and offers Captain America (Anthony Mackie) an opportunity to restart The Avengers.  However, when an associate tries to assassinate Ross, Cap must get to the bottom of the attempt on the President’s life.  Meanwhile, the evil Leader (Tim Blake Nelson) has been manipulating Ross into turning into the rage-driven Red Hulk to show the world what a true monster he is. 

I enjoyed the Marvel show Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which had Falcon picking up the mantle of Captain America.  This big screen movie sequel feels more like a TV show than many of the recent Marvel pics.  The action scenes are decent enough I suppose, but they are a tad underwhelming for a big budget comic book movie.  While I probably would’ve been more disappointed if I saw it on the big screen, it looked fine at home on Disney+. 

As a fan of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk, I was intrigued to see all the stuff that was set up in that flick so long ago finally beginning to pay off.  It’s just kind of odd to see it happening in a Captain America movie.  The film also deals with the fallout from The Eternals (of all movies), which is kind of weird.  (The mention of adamantium also leads me to suspect they are starting to set up X-Men here too.)  Because of that, it felt less like an honest to God Captain American movie and more like Marvel tidying up their house a bit as they inch closer to another Avengers film.

This is kind of a disservice to Mackie, seeing as it’s his first solo shot as Cap.  The finale where Ross turns into Red Hulk is pretty good though and makes up for some of the film’s shortcomings.  You have to wonder if the symbolism of a black man trying to stop a President who has become a red monster from destroying the White House was accidental or intentional though. 

While the prospect of having Ford take over for the late William Hurt was promising, Ford seems grumpier than usual, especially when he’s supposed to be acting presidential.  Mackie is OK in the lead, but he’s just not given a whole lot here to work with.  Although he had an opportunity to properly flesh out his character on the Falcon show, he’s basically required to do little more than spout exposition and glower here.  Danny Ramirez, who plays the new Falcon, is pretty entertaining and brings some much-needed humor to the film.  Nelson is fun as Leader too, although it’s a shame they waited so long to utilize him. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

TWISTED PAIR (2018) ***

You get two Neil Breens for the price of one in the fitfully hilarious, but ultimately uneven grade Z Sci-Fi opus, Twisted Pair.  Breen stars as identical twins Cade and Cale who become humanoids and have superpowers.  Cade uses his gift to prevent “cyber and terror attacks” while Cale kidnaps and tortures crooked white collar criminals. 

For the first half hour or so, I thought this was going to surpass Breen’s manic WTF classic, Fateful Findings for sheer bad movie lunacy.  There were at least three times during that stretch where I actively doubted my sanity and mistrusted my own eyes.  The scenes of Breen walking in front of green screened backgrounds, leading troops into battle, and flying around like a half-assed superhero were 100% uncut Breen insanity.  The stuff with the evil Breen (yes, he has a poorly pasted-on goatee so you know he’s the bad twin) is good for some laughs too, as is the scenes with the villain (who looks like Michael Stipe cosplaying as Elton John with a Darth Vader voice).  Breen’s interaction with his wife is particularly mind-boggling as their first scene together requires them to do and say things that no two sane people who are supposed to be in love would ever do. 

In short, it’s your typical Neil Breen scene. 

Somewhere around the third act, the DIY charm begins to wear off and the inspired inanity starts to lose its luster.  Yes, the unexplained appearance of a Tinkerbell like fairy is batshit insane.  Yes, I laughed every time Breen said he was going to take down “Cooze’s Empire”.  However, the over-reliance on repeated scenes and fake looking explosions tend to feel like padding.  There’s a set-up for a sequel too that eats up some time, but of course, I intend to watch it ASAP.