PULSATING FLESH (1986) **

Peter Longfellow (Ray Hardin) has the curious problem of getting his girlfriends pregnant every time they make love.  He then decides to earn a little extra money from his predicament by offering his services to couples and wealthy women who are looking to conceive.  A lesbian couple hear about Peter’s exploits on television and decide to enlist in his services. 

Directed by Carlos (Marilyn and the Senator) Tobalina, Pulsating Flesh uses a plot device of having Peter appear on a talk show and relating his experiences to the host in the form of “clips” he has prepared.  Naturally, the host (Tamara Longley, a blonde who wears a belly chain and has a tattoo on her butt) asks for a demonstration on live TV and he is only happy to give it to her.  (If you know what I mean.) 

For variety’s sake, we also get to see the lesbian couple watching the action unfold on TV who get so turned on by watching Peter do his thing that they decide to boink each other on a waterbed.  Even though these two plot lines eventually intersect in the finale, the lesbian scenes aren’t very hot and feel more like filler than anything else.  Also disappointing is the fact that they bring out two strap-ons early on but never seem to figure out how to use them.  You’ve heard of Chekhov’s Gun?  Well, that applies to strap-on dildos as well. 

The camerawork is sloppy and despite a solid enough premise, the sex/impregnation scenes themselves are curiously flat.  It’s also kind of hard to believe that Peter is able to get so many women pregnant when he’s always pulling out and cumming on their bellies.  Then again, believability isn’t something you have come to expect from a Carlos Tobalina film.  The cutting back and forth from the talk show to the lesbians’ bedroom antics is really herky-jerky too and winds up making the movie feel much longer than it really is.  The lame comic relief sound effects when the guys ejaculate don’t really do anything to enhance the mood either. 

Harry Reems gets top billing but is in only one scene as a horny milkman who spies on our hero banging two “bisexual teenagers” (they look like they’re in their ‘30s) and eventually joins in on the fun. 

A SMELL OF HONEY A SWALLOW OF BRINE (1966) ***

Stacey Walker is simply dynamite in this notorious roughie from director Byron (Space Thing) Mabe and producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman.  Walker only had one other feature to her credit and it’s a shame she didn’t make more movies because she is far and away the best thing about the film. 

Walker plays Sharon Winters, a woman who in less enlightened times would be referred to as a “tease”.  She leads men on and just as they are about to do the deed, she cries rape.  She even gets one boyfriend sent to jail on sexual assault charges.  Sharon then sets her sights on a handsome new coworker who is driven crazy thanks to her teasing.  Eventually, she meets a smooth nightclub singer (Bob Todd) who just might be her match. 

Walker gives us a definitive portrayal of a maneater.  She is sexy, surly, cold, cruel, calculating, and her performance is nothing short of riveting.  She gets several nude scenes throughout the picture, whether it’s during sex, taking a bath, conspicuously getting naked to turn on her potential suitors, or appearing in their bondage fantasies.  (She is shown as both the aggressive dominatrix and the helpless submissive and either way you look at her, she looks equally hot.)

The highlight is when Sharon welcomes the advances of her lesbian roommate Paula (Sharon Carr) and allows her to give her a sensual massage but kicks her out of bed right before things get too hot and heavy.  As she leaves, Sharon scolds, “Paula, I may be a bitch, but I’ll never be a butch!”  If that sounds familiar to you, it’s because this snippet has been used by Something Weird in their DVD intros for decades.  No matter how many times you see this moment, it still packs a punch.

Today’s viewers will probably label the film “problematic” and it kind of is, but that’s what makes it work.  The movie’s messy morality (along with Walker’s performance) helps set it apart from the countless other roughies made at the same time.  Todd’s number, “I Want a Woman” is a legitimate toe-tapper too and it will get stuck in your head for days.  The cinematography by Laszlo Kovacs is also excellent, even if the print is a little jumpy. 

Mabe and Friedman’s next collaboration was She Freak. 

M3GAN 2.0 (2025) ***

M3GAN was a certified instant classic.  The question is, what do you do for an encore?  Writer/director Gerard Johnstone’s motto seems to be bigger is better.  While the final result might not be “better”, it’s amusing to see the lengths he will go to just to entertain an audience, even if he isn’t always successful. 

Two years have passed since the killer robot M3GAN tried to kill her creator Gemma (Allison Williams) and her niece Cady (Violet McGraw).  When Amelia (Ivanna Sakhno), an AI powered government assassin goes rogue, she sets her sights on crippling the country’s infrastructure.  It’s then up to Gemma to reboot M3GAN to fight Amelia.  The question is, can she be trusted?

The original was a fun horror flick, and this sequel is like a complete 180 as it’s more of a Sci-Fi action comedy.  The early nod to Steven Seagal is the tip-off that there’s going to be more wrist-snapping and shootouts than stabbing and decapitations.  The film is also set in the T2 mold where the robot villain from the first movie makes a pact to not kill anyone and protect the heroes.  I mean, it’s like I always say:  If you’ve got to steal from somebody, steal from the best.  (I also liked the visual nod to Metropolis.)

The big drawback this time out isn’t necessarily the shift in tone, but rather the sheer length.  It clocks in at two hours, which is about a half-hour longer than it really needed to be.  It’s got a lot of nifty ideas, but Johnston could’ve easily streamlined this thing down a bit.  The long winded exposition scenes could’ve been edited out completely and the first act in particular drags. 

Then again, when the film hits its stride, it’s entertaining as hell.  It’s messy and uneven, but it also contains some big laughs.  It’s brimming with invention and most importantly, fun.  M3GAN sings.  She dances.  She kicks ass.  She may not kill in this one, but she does fly, so there is that.  And when M3GAN flies, so does the human spirit. 

ARREBATO (1979) **

A junkie horror film director named Jose (Eusebio Poncela) meets his girlfriend’s eccentric cousin Pedro (Will More) who obsessively films everything.  He also sends Jose bizarre audio tapes, which makes it sound like he’s slowly going crazy.  He then begins to think back to the first time he met Pedro and became fascinated by his experimental and offbeat films.  When Pedro mysteriously disappears, Jose watches his last film hoping to get a clue to what happened. 

Pedro’s ultimate goal is to send the viewer into “rapture” by showing them seemingly unconnected images that have been sped up and slowed down.  Well, while you watch Arrebato (which is Spanish for “Rapture”), you will probably feel anything but rapturous.  Even though there is a kernel of an interesting story here, it never really pops.  Long portions of the flick play like a hangout movie as the director and his girlfriend laze about getting stoned and listening to Pedro’s tapes.  While the ending is OK, it’s a long time coming and the nearly two hour running time doesn’t help matters either. 

Although I watched this on Shudder, it isn’t really a horror movie as it is more about obsession.  Jose’s black and white film-within-a-film that is seen early on is extremely atmospheric as it looks like a silent movie directed by Rob Zombie.  It’s a shame that kind of vibe didn’t carry over into the rest of the movie.  Some of Pedro’s offbeat films (which take up more screen time than necessary) are sort of interesting, but they become monotonous after a while. 

The film slides back and forth between timelines, characters, and “reel” and “real” life quite often.  The goal was to create the hallucinatory sensations Pedro felt while he was in the depths of his madness.  It’s only intermittently successful.  While it might’ve worked as a short, director Ivan Zulueta just can’t sustain the spell for the entire running time. 

The weirdo Pedro gets the best line of the movie when he says, “My whole life was like one big wank without coming!”

AKA:  Rapture.

SINNERS (2025) **

Michael B. Jordan and Michael B. Jordan star as twin bootleggers who return to their hometown in the ‘30s to open a juke joint.  Opening night is marred however when a trio of vampires show up looking to put the bite on the revelers. 

Directed by Ryan (Creed) Coogler, Sinners is a period horror movie where the horror almost feels like an afterthought.  (It turns on its heels from crime drama to vampire flick just like From Dusk Till Dawn.)  Since the horror elements don’t really come into play until the film is halfway over, much of the focus is on the pair of brothers trying to give something back to their community.  That’s admirable, but it is liable to disappoint anyone expecting a balls-out horror flick. 

The idea of Jordan playing twins is intriguing, but there little here other than their wardrobe to differentiate their characters.  (One wears a red hat and the other wears a blue.)  Also, some of the greenscreen stuff where the brothers appear alongside each other looks a little wonky in more than a few scenes. 

Speaking of wonky, there’s a really baffling scene about halfway through that pretty much stops the movie on a dime.  As the patrons of the juke joint are dancing to blues music, the camera swirls around the dancefloor when out of nowhere, we see anachronistic DJs spinning records, 21st century fly girls twerking, and African tribal dancers running around the place.  This scene is painfully on the nose as Coogler is hammering home the fact that rap music comes from the blues.  It’s a real head scratcher to be sure.  I mean it’s almost like some live-action Schoolhouse Rock shit.  Or maybe a bad Disneyland ride.  (Or worse, EPCOT.)  It’s a particularly weird choice, especially in what is meant to be a horror movie.  Conversely, there is no such visual extravagance when it comes time for the vampires’ Irish folk dance sequence.  (Yes, you read that right.)

As a horror show, it’s lukewarm at best.  Too much of the movie is spent on the old “vampires have to be invited in” trope and not enough on the bloodsucking.  The idea that the (lily white) head vampire wants the (black) blues’ player’s songs makes this an obvious statement about cultural appropriation, but it would’ve been better served had Coogler not went overboard and made the subtext text. 

I’m certainly glad Coogler tried to do something different this time out and got to stretch his muscles outside of franchise movies.  Sometimes big swings like this don’t exactly pay off.  Then again, it was a big hit (though I’m kind of perplexed why), so what do I know? 

Delroy Lindo gives the best performance as a down on his luck harmonica player who gets the best line of the movie when he says, “White folks like the blues just fine, they just don’t like the people that make it!”

DEN OF THIEVES: PANTERA (2025) **

Gerard Butler returns as “Big Nick”, who is still on the trail of thief Donnie (O’Shea Jackson Jr.).  He follows him all the way to Europe where he and a new crew are planning to rob the World Diamond Authority.  The surprise is he doesn’t want to bust Donnie.  Big Nick wants to join his team and get a piece of the action. 

This sequel swaps out money for diamonds and L.A. for Europe.  Whereas the inspiration for the original was Heat, this one seems to be a riff on another Robert De Niro actioner, Ronin.  (Jackson’s team even uses the word “Ronin” as a call sign during a heist early on in the movie.)  There’s also a little bit of an inverse X-Men 2 thing going on where the hero teams up with the villain. 

Director Christian Gudegast (who also helmed the original) delivers a slick looking picture, but there’s just not a whole lot going on under its glossy veneer.  What’s worse is that it moves slowly and sluggishly.  I enjoyed the first movie, even though I felt it was unnecessarily long.  This one is even longer, clocking in at a whopping two and a half hours.  The set-up for the heist is needlessly meticulous (almost to the point of being OCD) and some of the suspense sequences never quite pop.  (One heist scene feels like an extreme version of the schoolyard game, Red Light, Green Light.)  Also, the additional character moments don’t really add anything to the mix and only contribute to the film’s already bloated running time. 

The big issue though is that Donnie seems to bring Big Nick into his fold way too easily.  I guess if he didn’t, we wouldn’t have a movie.  That said, you never quite buy Big Nick’s heel turn, which predictably results in his Point Break-style morality crisis later in the film. 

With macho bluster to spare, Butler remains entertaining to watch.  Whether shaking down crooks or dancing on ecstasy or biting into shawarma, he provides the movie with a shot in the arm whenever it begins to flag.  Unfortunately, these brief flashes are the only times when Pantera rocks. 

AKA:  Criminal Squad 2.  AKA:  Criminal Squad:  Pantera.  AKA:  Den of Thieves 2:  Pantera.

AZRAEL (2024) **

After the Rapture, the folks who have been left behind (see what I did there) have all become mute.  One woman (Samara Weaving) is kidnapped by a cult who tie her up and try to sacrifice her to a crispy looking monster.  She narrowly escapes and takes off into the woods where she is pursued by not only the monster, but the vengeful cult members as well. 

Written by Simon (You’re Next) Barrett and directed by E.L. (Cheap Thrills) Katz, Azrael has its moments but is a bit underwhelming overall.  Despite the religious implications (and all the Bible verses that act as chapter breaks), this is less a Christian horror flick and more of a rip-off of A Quiet Place since no one in the movie talks.  The odd thing is that the filmmakers never take advantage of the gimmick.  There is one scene where Weaving meets a guy who speaks gibberish and neither she nor the audience can understand him.  However, there’s no real payoff or purpose for everyone to be mute, so why even bother? 

Weaving is one of my favorite actresses working today but giving her a role that requires her to be mute does her a great disservice.  Because she can’t speak, it forces her to do a lot of acting with her eyes and to her credit, she does just about everything you could ask from her.  It’s just that the thin script and drab visuals of the film let her down.  Also, the monsters, who just look like a bunch of guys who got burnt up in a fire, are weak.  The human villains are even worse as they basically look like a tribe of homeless people and lack any true menace. 

On the plus side, the gore is decent.  The scenes of the monsters drinking people’s blood are juicy, and there is not one but two gnarly decapitations.  I give props to Katz and Barrett for the ballsy ending, but honestly, it’s a long time coming.  Weaving is striking while covered in blood and brandishing a machine gun though.  It’s just a shame the filmmakers couldn’t build a film around her that was worthy of that image.

AKA:  Azrael:  Angel of Death.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS (1978) ** ½

Debbie Does Dallas is one of the most iconic porno movies of all time.  It was made when everyone was going crazy for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, so spinning the idea of sexy cheerleaders into a sex flick was a no-brainer.  Oddly enough, it never quite lives up to its title. 

The plot is simple.  Bambi Woods stars as Debbie, who along with her high school cheerleading team is trying to raise money for their trip to Texas.  It doesn’t take them long to figure out the best way to make money is the old-fashioned way.  

Like most classics of the genre, Debbie Does Dallas seems kind of quaint now, especially after so many imitators and sequels.  Most of the scenes are tame and the few that manage to be potentially hot are over before they can gather much steam.  

Many of the sex scenes involve threesomes, if you’re into that kind of thing.  The first scene has some football players banging a pair of cheerleaders in the shower.  Next, a girl masturbates with a candlestick before getting it on with an older couple.  Then, two girls earn money by washing a guy’s car before learning more can be made by letting him in their backseat.  (If you know what I mean.)  Another girl gets caught giving head in the library and is spanked by the horny old librarian.  That’s followed by a girl taking on two guys in a sauna.  Then, two chicks blow a guy in a record store.  Finally, Debbie dons her cheerleading outfit and bangs her boss (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust). 

One surprising thing about Debbie Does Dallas is that Debbie isn’t in it a whole lot.  Plus, she doesn’t come close to doing enough people to approximate the population of Dallas.  There’s also not much cheerleading either, which is disappointing.  Woods, who only appeared in a handful of movies (most of which were in the Debbie series), is charming though, which helps. 

The best thing I can say about it is that it feels like a real movie.  This was made during the second wave of the porno chic era.  It was post-Behind the Green Door and Devil in Miss Jones, but still at a point where it looked like porn could go legitimate.  It has the feel of a Hollywood production (okay, a drive-in B movie), but with hardcore scenes.  While it falls short of its reputation, I still liked it just fine.  It certainly works better as a cultural relic than as eroticism though. 

AKA:  Hi!  Hi!  Debbie!  AKA:  Dallas Lolitas.  

PASS THRU (2016) ****

The man, the myth, the legend, Neil Breen returns with yet another magnum opus.  Pass Thru features all of Breen’s hallmarks:  Scenes of Breen playing an all-powerful being who walks aimlessly through the desert, tigers, random suicides, and tons of vitriol being spewed at crooked lawyers, politicians, and bankers.  In short, it’s another banger by Breen. 

This time, Breen sets his sights on the immigration problem.  Two women flee a caravan of people leaving “their country” (which country is never stated) when drug runners try to gun them down.  They take off into the desert where they stumble upon Thgil (Breen), a junkie who offers them shelter.  Little do they know he’s actually AI from the future in human form who has been sent back in time to eliminate corrupt and evil people. 

Pass Thru is easily identifiable as a work of manic genius right from the get-go.  Breen’s absolute refusal to use transition and/or establishing shots will give you whiplash as the film plays out in a series of visual non-sequiturs.  The acting is terrible (especially by the female leader of the caravan), which only adds to the hilarity. 

As with I am Here… Now, Breen plays another whacked-out deity.  In the film’s most memorably bonkers sequence (Spoilers for a batshit crazy Neil Breen movie), he causes “The Cleanse”, which is like a reverse Rapture and makes all the bad people on Earth disappear.  Then, he goes all Network on our ass and commandeers a TV news studio and rants and raves about corruption in business, government, and other American institutions. 

The funniest bit though is after he makes all the gunmen leading the caravan disappear.  What does he tell the grateful refugees crossing over to the United States trying to start a new life?  “GO HOME!  Make a difference THERE!”  Incredible. 

Not many directors can be called true auteurs, but Breen is certainly one of them.  He trots out all his tried-and-true themes and visual motifs yet again and wears his heart on his sleeve, technical and budgetary limitations be damned.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, could make a movie like Pass Thru in a million years.  Very few directors begin their career with banger after banger, but Double Down, I am Here… Now, Fateful Findings, and Pass Thru are about as good/bad as you can get 

In Breen we trust. 

I AM HERE…. NOW (2009) ****

Of all the Neil Breen movies I have subjected myself to lately, this one is my favorite.  It’s a perfect crystallization of his ideas, themes, motifs, fetishes, and cinematic wizardry.  It’s also one of the funniest movies of all time. 

What makes Breen’s films work is his absolute dedication to the piece.  He believes everything he’s saying and the unabashed way he wears his heart on his sleeve while simultaneously falling short on a technical level is reminiscent of both Tom Laughlin’s Billy Jack pictures and Ed Wood’s best work.  Whatever may be lacking in terms of plot, dialogue, editing, coherence, logic, and sanity, Breen’s message shines through and his passion is evident.  Because of that, his movies are like a trip inside his mind.  I am Here…. Now is simply a unique and unforgettable experience. 

Breen stars as “The Being” who is kind of like Robo-Space-Jesus.  He appears in the middle of the desert in a white robe and what looks like a computer motherboard glued to his chest.  He becomes disgusted to learn humans are not using solar energy to its fullest and is repulsed by corrupt government officials and lawyers who are preventing the technology from reaching its fullest potential.  (No, really.)  He also tries to help two sisters who have lost their jobs at the solar energy plant and have turned to selling themselves on the streets to provide their family.  (Represented by a rubber baby doll in a stroller.)

Speaking of baby dolls, the scene where Breen walks through the desert past several severed doll heads is legitimately cool looking and would make for a great album cover.  The rest of the movie is about as unintentionally hilarious as they come.  I had to stop and rewind scenes to relive the nonsensical story beats and jaw-dropping dialogue a second time.  My favorite line comes when one of the sisters says she will hide her sex work from her boyfriend by saying, “I’ll tell him I got a part-time job at the mall!”

Breen’s rage at corruption in Washington is on full display here.  I don’t want to spoil anything for you but as is the case in most of Breen’s work, the corrupt officials all get what’s coming to them.  This time in biblical fashion. 

I also loved the scenes where the Being punishes people for their wicked deeds.  There’s a great bit with an old guy in a wheelchair (“Cancer chemo kicked my ass!”) gets knocked down by a passerby and Robo-Space-Jesus makes his eyeballs bleed.  These moments have a real Billy Jack type feel to them.  If Billy Jack was a partially robotic deity from outer space, that is. 

I am Here… Now is Breen’s finest hour.  It’s like a ‘70s Ron Ormond religious movie directed by Tommy Wiseau.  You’ll laugh.  You’ll cry.  You’ll laugh so hard that you’ll cry again.  In short, Neil Breen is Bad Movie Jesus and we all should worship him. 

DOUBLE DOWN (2005) ****

Double Down was the first cinematic endeavor by the King of Grade Z WTF independent filmmaking, Neil Breen.  It features all the hallmarks he would carry throughout his filmography.  There are random shots of skulls, scenes of him furiously typing away on his laptop, long stretches of him roaming through the desert, enough stock footage to draw comparisons to Ed Wood (such as scenes of the Las Vegas skyline, NASA stock footage, and random shots of planes taking off and landing), and the most random close-ups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

Another Breen trademark:  He stars as an all-powerful hero with mysterious and vague powers who is seemingly infallible, incorruptible, and spouts anti-capitalism New Agey nonsense.  Breen is a shadowy agent who lives out in the desert who has orders to bring Las Vegas to a standstill using his advanced satellite technology that he runs out of the trunk of his sedan.  He’s also a part-time bioterrorist who can bring down major cities should his employers ever think to double-cross him.  Eventually, he has a crisis of conscience and sets out to stop his own plan. 

Most of the time, Breen walks around by himself while mind-numbing narration plays over the action.  (If you can call it that.)  The visions and flashbacks of his dead wife are also humorous, but it’s the scene where Neil reacts to her dead body that may go down as his all-time best moment on screen.  As he holds her corpse close to him, he lets out a quick little yelp that sounds more like a reaction someone would have to a paper cut or hangnail; not exactly losing the love of your life.  Oh, and did I mention Neil is NAKED in this scene?  Of course, because why wouldn’t he be?  (Gratuitous nudity by Neil is yet another Breen trademark.)  Despite coming perilously close to seeing his little Breener, you’ll be scrambling for the rewind button to play this scene over and over again. Trust me.

The movie is chockfull of scenes where Breen spouts out fortune cookie wisdom while banging away at his computer.  His diatribes are a word salad of mystical gobbledygook and indecipherable technobabble.  The so-called action scenes are jaw-dropping.  Folks, you haven’t lived until you see Neil get the drop on absolutely no one at all, shoot the nonexistent gunmen, and then nonchalantly wipe their blood off his face. 

In short, Double Down is a modern WTF classic that will have you scratching your head and laughing your ass off in equal measure. 

BODACIOUS TA’TA’S (1983) ***

Alex (Dave Cannon) throws a bachelor party for his stepson Jim (Greg Ruffner) at a strip club.  After a few drinks, their pal Jack (Ron Jeremy) pays a few of the dancers to have a private party back at Alex’s place.  It doesn’t take long before the girls start earning their money and give the boys a real show in the bedroom. 

The first act of Bodacious Ta’Ta’s is mostly devoted to stripteases rather than sex as it’s primarily set inside the strip club.  It’s hard to complain though, especially when you have Kitten Natividad, Bridgette Monet, and Patty Plenty doing the stripping.  Patty performs a particularly memorable tassel twirling number that’s not to be missed and Kitten’s dances are great too. 

We do get a few strong XXX scenes once the action finally switches back to the house.  They include straight fuck scenes, anal, and voyeurism.  It takes a while before Kitten gets in on the fun, but her steamy lesbian scene with Patty is more than worth the wait. 

Jeremy is funny as the sleazy, fast-talking friend, but it’s the ladies in the cast that make it recommended.  Monet is as sexy as ever and has a steamy romp in the bedroom.  Plenty lives up to her name too as she also gets fucked with panache. 

The movie really belongs to Kitten.  Even though she only partakes in the hardcore action at the very end (she didn’t start doing Guy on Girl scenes in porn until the ‘90s), her sexy strip numbers are quite eye-popping.  Heck, even the scenes where she just sits there while Jeremy feels her up are kinda hot. 

So, if you’re watching Bodacious Ta’Ta’s with the expectation of watching Kitten embroiled in some heated and hardcore XXX action, you may be a tad disappointed by this one.  In fact, it often feels like a “real” movie before the sex scenes begin to dominate in the second half.  That’s really a testament to director Paul G. (Stiff Competition) Vatelli’s work behind the camera.  (Even though the film is primarily set in two locations, it still feels rather polished.)  While she may not go all the way with the male members of the cast, it’ll still be worth a watch if you’re a fan of Kitten, if only to see her shaking her certifiably bodacious assets. 

ROADSHOW TRAILERS VOL. 1 (199?) ***

Here’s a Something Weird compilation of trailers for movies that could only be shown as roadshow attractions.  These are films that tackled taboo (for the time) subject matter like sex and drugs.  Because of that, “respectable” theaters wouldn’t touch them.  Most of these were “scare” films meant to “educate” the moviegoing public, but nine times out of ten they were just good old-fashioned exploitation.  Producers would also throw in a lot of ballyhoo and sell pamphlets that pertained to whatever scandalous topic the picture claimed to warn against to further increase profits. 

Some of the topics and subgenres that are covered include drug scare pictures like Hopped-Up (starring Timothy Farrell), Devil’s Harvest, and Assassin of Youth.  “Family” pictures are represented by the likes of Test Tube Babies, Mom and Dad, and Tomorrow’s Children.  Then of course, there’s salacious “Adults Only” sexploitation such as The Flesh Merchant, Slaves in Bondage, and Child Bride.  There is also a heavy concentration of jungle pictures (most of which rely on native nudity as a selling point) like The Virgin Goddess, Mau Mau!, and The Gorilla Woman, and Burlesque features including A Virgin in Hollywood, Vegas Nights, and Woman’s a Fool (an all-black cast effort).  Ed Wood is also well-represented as we also get previews for Jail Bait, I Changed My Sex (AKA:  Glen or Glenda?), The Violent Years, and The Sinister Urge. 

The highlights come courtesy of the coming attractions for The Lash of the Penitentes (which features some surprising nudity), Vanishing Gangsters (a documentary on real life gangsters), Nudist Life (which humorously misspells “Nudist Park” as “Nudest Park”), and producer Kroger Babb’s personal message about the godless Communists in Half-Way to Hell.  Along the way, there are some great taglines.  A few of my favorites include Marihuana (“Divulging heretofore unheard of orgies of youth’s dissipation!”), I Want a Baby (“Teen-age girls with speed to spare and rarin’ to go!”), Karamoja (“See men pay for their young brides with cattle!”), and Blonde Pickup (“Now at last!  Life in the raw!”).

Even though most of the movies featured here are from the ‘30s, ‘40s, and ‘50s, there is still plenty of nudity, jaw-dropping subject matter, and camp value here.  Even in two-minute trailer form, the films contain more T & A than the previews seen in today’s theaters.  Overall, it’s a fine sampling of the roadshow and scare picture genres.  It features many of the best-known films of the era and many deep cuts and rarities.  Fans of this sort of thing are sure to find plenty of obscure titles to add to their watchlist. 

The complete list of trailers is as follows:  Karamoja, The Virgin Goddess, Hopped-Up, Test Tube Babies, Youth Aflame, Gambling With Souls, Maniac, Lash of the Penitentes, A Virgin in Hollywood, Mau Mau!, Vegas Nights, Souls in Pawn, Bedroom Fantasy, Pin Down Girls, Buxom Beautease, Mom & Dad, Vanishing Gangsters, Karamoja (a slightly different trailer than the first), Peek-A-Boo, Unmarried Mothers, The ABC's of Love, The Art of Burlesque, Outrages of the Orient, Atrocities of Manila, B-Girl Rhapsody, Bagdad After Midnite, Hollywood Burlesque, Devil's Harvest, The Devil's Sleep, Nudist Life, Ding Dong, Halfway to Hell, Tomorrow's Children, Marihuana, The Flesh Merchant, Jail Bait, Malamu, Forbidden Adventure, Slaves in Bondage, Assassin of Youth, The Gorilla Woman, I Changed My Sex, Escort Girl, Child Bride, I Want a Baby, Tijuana After Midnite, Woman's A Fool, The Violent Years, The Sinister Urge, and The Legend of Bigger Thomas. 

CADE: THE TORTURED CROSSING (2023) * ½

Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is Neil Breen’s sequel to Twisted Pair.  This might be Breen at his Breeniest.  Although I loved Fateful Findings and enjoyed Twisted Pair, my resolve was severely tested with this one.  “Tortured” indeed. 

Breen returns as Cade, the superhuman hero.  He bestows a bunch of money to a hospital sight unseen and is horrified when he learns the place is a dump.  Even worse is the fact the doctors are performing illicit experiments on the patients.  Cade’s evil twin Cale (also Breen) assists the doctors by kidnapping homeless teens in exchange for drugs.  Cade then teaches the teens to fight and together, they take back the hospital. 

There is one scene that is so purely Breenian that it will make your head spin.  I’m tempted not to spoil it for you, but I feel it’s worth mentioning, if only to sort of get you interested, as much of the rest of the film is a slog.  This scene finds Breen walking through a green-screened meadow (99% of the movie uses greenscreen) where he runs into a poorly CGI white tiger and they proceed to fight.  Then, they become friends, and the tiger transforms into a hot babe with big boobs.  This scene is WTF bliss and deserves to be shown in any compilation of Z-grade bad movies.  This moment alone is worth at least One Star in my book. 

There’s another sequence that’s not quite as nutty, but it did make me laugh pretty good.  That was the impromptu dance scene with all the teenage patients.  That was good for a Half-Star.  These two admittedly goofy bits are the only bright spots in the film. 

Sadly, the rest of Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is a mess.  It’s nowhere near as fun as his previous work as the scenes with the patients get repetitive in a hurry.  Sure, there are some chuckles here and there (like when Breen repairs an SUV with his mind), but the awful dialogue and awkward editing just doesn’t quite have the same zest of his previous entries. 

The over-reliance on greenscreen work is mind boggling.  Instead of just finding a location and filming there, Breen just inserts himself and his cast onto stock photos he found on the internet.  Only a director like Neil Breen would do something like this.  Because of that, I guess you could call this technique “Breen screen”. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD (2025) ***

General “Thunderbolt” Ross (Harrison Ford) is now President of the United States and offers Captain America (Anthony Mackie) an opportunity to restart The Avengers.  However, when an associate tries to assassinate Ross, Cap must get to the bottom of the attempt on the President’s life.  Meanwhile, the evil Leader (Tim Blake Nelson) has been manipulating Ross into turning into the rage-driven Red Hulk to show the world what a true monster he is. 

I enjoyed the Marvel show Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which had Falcon picking up the mantle of Captain America.  This big screen movie sequel feels more like a TV show than many of the recent Marvel pics.  The action scenes are decent enough I suppose, but they are a tad underwhelming for a big budget comic book movie.  While I probably would’ve been more disappointed if I saw it on the big screen, it looked fine at home on Disney+. 

As a fan of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk, I was intrigued to see all the stuff that was set up in that flick so long ago finally beginning to pay off.  It’s just kind of odd to see it happening in a Captain America movie.  The film also deals with the fallout from The Eternals (of all movies), which is kind of weird.  (The mention of adamantium also leads me to suspect they are starting to set up X-Men here too.)  Because of that, it felt less like an honest to God Captain American movie and more like Marvel tidying up their house a bit as they inch closer to another Avengers film.

This is kind of a disservice to Mackie, seeing as it’s his first solo shot as Cap.  The finale where Ross turns into Red Hulk is pretty good though and makes up for some of the film’s shortcomings.  You have to wonder if the symbolism of a black man trying to stop a President who has become a red monster from destroying the White House was accidental or intentional though. 

While the prospect of having Ford take over for the late William Hurt was promising, Ford seems grumpier than usual, especially when he’s supposed to be acting presidential.  Mackie is OK in the lead, but he’s just not given a whole lot here to work with.  Although he had an opportunity to properly flesh out his character on the Falcon show, he’s basically required to do little more than spout exposition and glower here.  Danny Ramirez, who plays the new Falcon, is pretty entertaining and brings some much-needed humor to the film.  Nelson is fun as Leader too, although it’s a shame they waited so long to utilize him. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

TWISTED PAIR (2018) ***

You get two Neil Breens for the price of one in the fitfully hilarious, but ultimately uneven grade Z Sci-Fi opus, Twisted Pair.  Breen stars as identical twins Cade and Cale who become humanoids and have superpowers.  Cade uses his gift to prevent “cyber and terror attacks” while Cale kidnaps and tortures crooked white collar criminals. 

For the first half hour or so, I thought this was going to surpass Breen’s manic WTF classic, Fateful Findings for sheer bad movie lunacy.  There were at least three times during that stretch where I actively doubted my sanity and mistrusted my own eyes.  The scenes of Breen walking in front of green screened backgrounds, leading troops into battle, and flying around like a half-assed superhero were 100% uncut Breen insanity.  The stuff with the evil Breen (yes, he has a poorly pasted-on goatee so you know he’s the bad twin) is good for some laughs too, as is the scenes with the villain (who looks like Michael Stipe cosplaying as Elton John with a Darth Vader voice).  Breen’s interaction with his wife is particularly mind-boggling as their first scene together requires them to do and say things that no two sane people who are supposed to be in love would ever do. 

In short, it’s your typical Neil Breen scene. 

Somewhere around the third act, the DIY charm begins to wear off and the inspired inanity starts to lose its luster.  Yes, the unexplained appearance of a Tinkerbell like fairy is batshit insane.  Yes, I laughed every time Breen said he was going to take down “Cooze’s Empire”.  However, the over-reliance on repeated scenes and fake looking explosions tend to feel like padding.  There’s a set-up for a sequel too that eats up some time, but of course, I intend to watch it ASAP.  

JAMES BANDE VS. O.S.SEX 69 (1986) ***

The KGB gathers together their best agents to kidnap secret agent James Bande (Gabrielle Pontello).  It’s not very difficult to find him since he always seems to be lounging around and banging broads.  The enemy agents then call on the services of “Dr. Dildo” (Marilyn Jess) and her merry band of Amazon warriors to set a trap for Bande. 

This in-name only sequel to James Bande 00 Sex starts off with a pretty good DP scene.  In fact, there is a heavy concentration on three-ways and anal action, so if you’re into that sort of thing you’ll probably enjoy it.  There’s definitely no shortage of fuck scenes to go around that’s for sure, and what they lack in eroticism, they make up for it in sheer quantity.  Many of the hardcore scenes take place outdoors in broad daylight (including a couple scenes on a boat), which helps gives the film a larger scope than the claustrophobic original. 

James Bande vs. O.S.Sex 69 feels a lot more professional than the original in just about every way.  The sex scenes are shot much better (there are no crew members shadows on the wall in this one) and it actually feels like a spy spoof, especially when compared to the hastily strung together antics of the first film.  Also, the plot makes a bit more sense this time around (even if much of it comes in the form of voiceover narration), although honestly, there’s only about 10% plot here and 90% fuck scenes.  For some (most) folks, that will be enough of a recommendation. 

I just wish Jess had more to do.  She doesn’t show up till the movie’s almost over and she only partakes in a poolside orgy.  Never mind the fact that she plays a character named “Dr. Dildo” who never once used a dildo, which is a little disappointing.  Oh well.  At any rate, it’s a vast improvement on the first movie all around.  Fans of Jess will enjoy her appearance (however briefly) and the unending string of hardcore scenes is enough to prevent you from getting bored. 

AKA:  Peep-Sex.

FATEFUL FINDINGS (2014) ****

Did James Nguyen’s Birdemic leave you in stitches?  Did Tommy Wiseau’s The Room drive you into hysterics?  Then folks, Neil Breen’s Fateful Findings is for you!  I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at… well… anything. 

A true Renaissance man, Breen, who looks like a freeze-dried Bob Dylan, wrote, produced, directed, and stars in this sucker.  He plays an author who is now “hacking into government secrets” to expose corruption.  One day, he is hit by a car and instantly gets better.  His doctor also happens to be his long-lost childhood friend who, as a child, was there when he discovered a mystical cube hidden inside of a mushroom.  When she is kidnapped, Neil uses his mystical powers to get her back. 

Like The Room, our main character is always right about everything and there is little to no drama as the plot conveniently bends to his whims.  When he finds his childhood friend, he wants to be with her, but he’s already married to a hot foreign babe.  No problem, because almost immediately, she commits suicide and now he is free to court his long-lost love. 

Speaking of suicide, the ending has to be seen to be believed.  Remember the end of On Deadly Ground where Steven Seagal gave that big political speech?  He’s got nothing on Neil Breen.  When Breen holds a press conference and exposes all the crooked fat cats, they take the stage, immediately apologize for all wrongdoing, and promptly off themselves, some right on stage and no one does anything.  Heck, Breen keeps right on talking!  Incredible. 

Speaking of suicide (yes, I know this is the second paragraph in a row that I have started with that phrase, but it is a running theme throughout the film), nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for Breen’s reaction when he finds out his friend has committed suicide.  Be prepared to rewind and rewatch this part over and over again.  It's pure comedy gold.

This is a vanity protect through and through, but it’s so spectacularly inept it’s guaranteed to make your jaw drop every ten minutes.  Dialogue scenes start with lots of yelling, then somehow everyone is all happy, only to start yelling at each other again in the next scene.  People are shown talking on the phone to persons unknown about God knows what.  Breen also gives us a lot of gratuitous nude scenes of himself.  Thankfully, he spares us the sight of his Breenis.  (Or maybe his Oscar Mayer Breener?) 

The motif of Breen trashing laptops is downright perplexing.  He has no less than four of them in his office, and none of them are ever turned on.  Whenever he gets mad, he tosses them to the ground in anger.  Try to keep a running tab of how many times it happens.  (He also types like someone with acute nerve damage to his hands.)  Also, this flick has the most random closeups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

When you watch Fateful Findings, it becomes apparent Neil Breen, the writer couldn’t write a coherent scene if his life depended on it.  It’s obvious Neil Breen the actor, couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.  And it’s painfully clear that Neil Breen, the director had no idea what the fuck he was doing behind the camera.  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is one of the funniest bad movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. 

GHOST NURSING (1982) ***

Jackie (Suit Li) is a hooker from China who moves in with her sister in Thailand.  Before long, she gets Jackie a job turning tricks out of a nightclub.  After witnessing a murder, Jackie becomes convinced she is jinxed.  She consults a mystic who confirms she is cursed by misdeeds from a previous life.  The only way to break the curse is to “adopt” a baby ghost, which means bring home a fetus, put it on an altar, and pray to it daily. 

What do you know?  It works.  And soon, anyone who messes with Jackie has something dreadful happen to them.  However, when she finds true love, our heroine becomes so busy she forgets to leave offerings to her ghost baby.  Naturally, the supernatural tyke sets out to make her new man’s life a living Hell.  He soon turns to his friend, a professor of the occult for help, which only makes things worse. 

The scenes where the ghost protects Jackie from lecherous men are fun.  It makes one perv slip on a banana peel like a goddamn cartoon character.  Another dude pukes maggots.  Then, a gangster rapist gets killed by his own zombie henchmen.  Even with all this zaniness going on, the biggest laugh comes during a long nightclub scene where a lounge singer does a thoroughly mid version of Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All”. 

Ghost Nursing isn’t perfect by a long shot.  The scene with the mystic performing a ritual on a (real) dead monkey was a bit unnecessary.  There’s also way too much slow motion in the third act and it suffers from an abrupt ending too.  However, if you know what to expect from these anything-goes types of Chinese horror movies, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as I did.  The electronic heavy score is quite good too and sounds like Goblin in some places. 

Besides, Ghost Nursing features some shit I’ve never seen in a movie before, so for that, it gets a gold star.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see an exorcism performed on a fetus, then this is your movie.  If you’ve ever had a hankering to watch a crucifixion with a pair of flip flops, then move this to the front of your queue.  Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

MICKEY 17 (2025) *** ½

Robert Pattinson stars in the latest from director Bong Joon (Parasite) Ho.  It’s a wild and surprisingly touching Sci-Fi flick about an “expendable” named Mickey (Pattinson) who works for a big futuristic conglomerate.  They send him on various dangerous missions and as he dies, they collect data for scientific research purposes.  Once he’s dead, they just clone a new Mickey (the clone machine looks like a big inkjet printer, which is a nice touch) and send him out on his next mission. 

One of the major themes in Ho’s work has been class inequality.  With Mickey 17, he yet again provides some sharp commentary as Mickey is looked down on by nearly everyone who comes in contact with him.  There are also themes about immigration and a few completely unsubtle jabs at the MAGA crowd. 

Pattinson works overtime here, sometimes reaching Nicolas Cage levels of acting zaniness.  He adopts an accent that almost sounds like Steve Buscemi with a mouthful of Novocain, and his body language and mannerisms are about as far from the Twilight movies as you can get.  What’s terrific about his performance is that he endears himself to the audience right from the opening moments.  Once we understand his plight, we are with him through thick and thin as most of our empathy for Mickey comes from seeing him used as a human guinea pig. 

Mark Ruffalo gives another finely tweaked performance that ranks up there with his role in Poor Things in terms of brazen peculiarity.  He is sneakily becoming one of our go-to guys for oddball supporting roles.  Toni Collette is amusing as his wife, and Steve Yeun gets some laughs as Mickey’s former associate. 

The film does lose a bit of its zing when Mickey realizes he’s a “multiple” and there’s another one of him running around.  (The scene where his girlfriend tries to have a threesome with him notwithstanding.)  Ho also has a habit of being a little on the nose when it comes to the points he’s making, but I guess you can do that in a Sci-Fi satire and get away with it.

I have to hand it to Ho for taking a big swing after winning the Oscar for Parasite, a small, personal indie and going to the opposite end of the spectrum with a big budget Sci-Fi movie but still keeping those same kinds of ideals intact.  It’s the kind of crazy movie you can only make after you win an Oscar and Hollywood lets you do whatever the hell you want.  The film runs maybe twenty minutes too long and has one or two unnecessary subplots, but again, if you win an Oscar, you’re allowed to indulge yourself a little bit.  Since Mickey 17 was a big flop, I don’t know what Ho will do for an encore.  One thing’s for sure; I will definitely check it out. 

JAMES BANDE 00 SEX (1982) **

This French porno spoof of James Bond starts off with a dude getting a blow job while working out on a rowing machine.  The funny this is he doesn’t stop working out.  He keeps rowing back and forth while the chick bobs up and down on his knob.  That’s what I call dedication to your workout regimen.  I have to admit, I couldn’t get into this scene because I kept thinking he was going to accidentally smack her in the back of the head while she was going down on him. 

Even though I had the benefit of subtitles, I am still hard pressed to remember the plot.  There is a meeting between super spy James Bande (Guy Royer) with his “M” like female superior who gives him his mission, but most of the time is spent on them having a three-way with her secretary.  (The unnecessary fly-eye lens during the blow job scene kind of ruins the fun.)

In one scene where he does some actual spying, he just looks through a pair of binoculars on a couch and sees a couple doing it.  He doesn’t even look out the window or anything.  He just holds them up to his eyes and we assume he’s got Superman vision or something.  Even better is the fact that it looks like the couple he’s spying on is in the same room!

The humor is pretty lame, like when Bande scuba dives and comes up for air in a bathtub where interrupts a woman who’s masturbating.  Another humorous scene has a pair of sunbathing ladies having a poolside lesbian session in broad daylight until they accidentally roll down the hill in the interlocked 69 position. 

I guess I could abide a James Bond porno spoof that wasn’t funny and didn’t really satirize the series directly if the sex scenes were hot, but they aren’t very good either.  One potentially steamy scene where Bande and a buddy bang a bimbo is ruined by close-ups of their constant mugging while she is going down on them.  The scene with the lesbians who become horny while playing a board game and proceed to 69 starts with promise, although it ends much too quickly to be very satisfying. 

The only memorable scenes happen at the very end.  The first is when the villain uses a gun on a captive female as a marital aid and the other… uh… comes when Bande disarms a henchwoman by cumming in her face.  (Which is blue for some reason.)  Sadly, oddball moments like these are few and far between. 

If you’re watching this to get off, you’ll probably wind up with a case of Thunderballs. 

AKA:  Clemintine.  AKA:  Clemintine 006.

SWAMP THING (1982) ** ½

After the success of Superman, DC tried to kickstart another comic book franchise, with mixed results.  While Swamp Thing isn’t exactly bad, it’s kind of an odd duck.  Despite the pedigree of horror maestro Wes Craven behind the camera, and a who’s who of genre vets in supporting roles, it never quite gels. 

Doctor Holland (Ray Wise) is performing experiments in the swamp when the evil Arcane (Louis Jourdan) steals his work and sets his lab (and Holland) ablaze.  In the fire, Holland’s formula grafts onto his body and turns him into the rubbery looking Swamp Thing.  Arcane wants the formula for himself, so he sets a trap for him by using Holland’s associate Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) as bait. 

Craven tones down his usual horror instincts and takes an overly comic books approach, which is only occasionally successful.  The comic book transitions are a little too on the nose, as if to wink to the audience and say, “Hey guys!  It's just like a comic book!”  Even the straightforward attempts at horror wind up being a little goofy and don’t really land.  Conversely, the score by Harry Manfredini works overtime trying to sound like a horror film, which doesn’t quite match the action on screen.  (It often sounds like outtakes from his score to Friday the 13th.)

The Swamp Thing suit often looks phony baloney too.  You can see the seams, and the rubber bends and bulges when he walks around.  He looks much better from afar and he takes on a Bigfoot kind of mystique when he runs around the swamp in long shots.  Maybe if he had been kept in the shadows, it might’ve been a different story, but in brightly lit scenes, it looks like a monster from a ‘50s movie.  The final Arcane monster is particularly silly looking. 

That said, it still remains reasonably enjoyable, even if the film never lives up to its potential.  Barbeau is fun as the spunky and resourceful heroine.  Craven’s Last House on the Left leading man David Hess makes a memorable impression as Jourdan’s right-hand man, as does Nicholas Worth as another one of his armed guards.  Jourdan makes for an appropriately smarmy villain, but it’s Reggie Batts (in his only film role) who steals the movie as Barbeau’s wisecracking sidekick. 

Ultimately, I think Jim Wynorski embraced the camp factor much more successfully with the sequel, The Return of Swamp Thing.  (The Swamp Thing suit looked a lot better in that one too.)  The TV series which soon followed did a better job with the horror elements and mood.  This one sort of falls in between those efforts in terms of tone.  Overall, it’s not one of Craven’s best, but it’s an interesting enough attempt of a horror master trying to go mainstream. 

Kudos to the folks at MVD for releasing the mythical unrated version.  This edition contains some extra nudity from not only Barbeau but a few random belly dancers as well.  It’s nothing to get your heart racing or anything, but it at least gives the film a bit more edge. 

HEAVY METAL (1981) *** ½

Ivan Reitman produced this dazzling, sophomoric, and fun animated adaptation of the popular magazine.  Like most anthology movies, some segments are better than others.  However, there isn’t a bad story in the bunch.  Of course, the copious amounts of animated T & A doesn’t hurt either.

The wraparound segments, entitled “Soft Landing” (***) are probably the weakest part, but they’re still pretty good.  An astronaut brings a glowing orb home as a gift for his daughter.  After vaporizing dear old dad, the orb tells the girl about its previous incarnations. 

“Harry Canyon” (***) is the first official story.  The eponymous cab driver ekes out a living in futuristic New York City.  His world is turned upside down when he meets a woman whose father discovered the orb.  She’s on the run from sinister agents who want the orb and Harry tries to help her out of a jam. 

This segment has a fun, futuristic film noir feel.  (Harry’s hardboiled narration would be at home in a ‘40s detective movie.)  The voice acting by Richard Romanus is good and the New York cityscape looks cool, but the ending kind of fizzles out. 

The next sequence is “Den” (****).  A nerdy boy gets whisked away to another planet by the orb.  The kid transforms into a bald barbarian and sets out to rescue (and bed) a hot, perpetually naked woman. 

This one is the best of the bunch.  It has a perfect measure of self-parody while still giving fans what they want to see, namely cool monsters, gore, and naked chicks.  John Candy’s voice work is terrific in this and his running commentary on the action is often hilarious. 

“Captain Sternn” (***) follows.  It’s a courtroom drama about a slimy space captain on trial for numerous offenses.  He thinks a key witness (who is possessed by the orb) will help him out of his jam, and he’s right… to a point.

This one isn’t quite as strong as the other segments.  It’s kind of slight and lightweight.  On the plus side, the ending is a lot of fun, and John Vernon is great as the voice of the grouchy prosecutor. 

Then, it’s horror-tinged “B-17” (****).  An American bomber takes on enemy fire during a mission.  When one of the pilots goes to assess the damage, he is horrified to learn that a green glowing light has turned his fallen comrades into skeletal zombies. 

This segment, written by Alien’s Dan O’Bannon, is a wonderful mood piece.  It’s scary and atmospheric and would fit right at home in an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  It’s also just different enough from the other stories to feel like a breath of fresh air. 

“So Beautiful and So Dangerous” (***) is next.  A Pentagon secretary is abducted by aliens flying around in a smiley face spaceship.  A horny robot quickly turns her on to the joy of automaton lovemaking, but will their relationship be able to stand the test of time?

This story is lightweight, but it gets plenty of big laughs.  That’s largely due to John Candy’s voice acting as the Casanova droid.  Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy are pretty funny as the drug-addled aliens, but their scenes almost feel like they came out of another sequence entirely. 

The final story is “Taarna” (***).  A green goo turns a guy into an evil dictator, and he sets about to take over the planet.  The people’s last hope is a brave (and half naked) warrior woman who flies around in a pterodactyl. 

Trippy visuals and sexy women highlight this tale.  It more or less gives you everything you want from something like this.  The only downside is it runs on a bit too long. 

Overall, Heavy Metal is a lot of fun.  It gleefully caters to adolescent fantasies and features copious amounts of gratuitous violence and T & A.  Although the soundtrack is quite good, there’s only one song in there that I’d consider “Heavy Metal”.  (Journey’s “Open Arms” is about the farthest thing you can get to heavy metal.)  Still, that’s a minor nitpick as the movie more or less… uh… rocks. 

Heavy Metal 2000 followed nineteen years later. 

D'WILD WILD WENG (1982) *** ½

You loved him in For Your Height only playing the diminutive Secret Agent 00.  Now, everyone’s favorite two-foot nine Pilipino action star Weng Weng is back, this time in the outrageous Kung Fu Western, D’Wild Wild Weng.  Of all the Weng Weng movies I’ve seen, this one might be my favorite. 

Weng stars as Mr. Weng, who along with his Kung Fu fighting pal, Gordon (Max Laurel) are on their way to Santa Monica.  They soon learn the place is overrun by the evil Sebastian (Romy Diaz) and his gang of ruffians.  It then falls on Mr. Weng and Gordon to liberate the town. 

There are some things I never thought I’d see in my lifetime but can be found in this movie:  A remake of The Magnificent Seven starring a little person.  (It’s more like The Magnificent 1 ½.)  A flashback told by a man with no tongue.  A Native American tribe comprised of little people.  Folks, this movie has everything:  Mexican banditos dressed like Slow Poke Rodriguez, Ninjas, and an ending that features the hero sneaking into the enemy camp when his sidekick throws him over the wall like a human lawn dart.  Also, Weng Weng has Kung Fu training montages set to mariachi music. 

And get this:  Weng Weng SINGS!  Remember that scene in For Your Height Only when Weng Weng flew around using a jet pack?  Well, somehow this scene manages to be even more unbelievable. 

D’Wild Wild Weng exists in a weird time warp, which adds to the charm.  At first, it looks like it’s set in the Old West, but about halfway through we see someone riding around in a dune buggy.  The fact that Samurais and Ninjas are also in league with the villain just adds to the WTF factor. 

Once again, Weng Weng throws himself into his fight scenes with gusto.  He kicks lots of ass as he uses his height difference to his advantage.  He even performs his own crazy stunts (where could they possibly find a double?), which gives many of his scenes a Jackie Chan kind of vibe.  Sure, the film starts to stall here and there in the second act, but overall, this is a jaw-dropping good time. 

THEY CALL ME SUPERSEVEN (2016) ** ½

They Call Me Superseven is a mildly amusing spoof of ‘60s superhero and spy movies.  In fact, the hero, Superseven (Jerry Kokich) dresses exactly like Superargo from Superargo and the Faceless Giants.  The film is separated into “acts” that make it feel like chapters from an old Saturday morning serial, but it’s actually taken from episodes of a web series that I somehow missed. 

Superseven is a secret agent for T.H.E.M. out to recruit the sexy Sandra West (Olivia Dunkley) for the organization.  Together, they set out to stop the evil crime syndicate T.H.E.Y.  When T. H.E.Y. kidnaps Sandra, it’s up to Superseven to rescue her.  Oh, and did I mention that in addition to being a super spy, he’s also a part time actor and singing star? 

Since El Santo was one of the inspirations for our hero (and also appears on a TV), there is talk about Superseven previously fighting werewolves, vampires, and zombies.  Honestly, I would’ve rather seen that instead of watching him in a low budget spy comedy, but that’s just personal preference talking.  Overall, it’s not bad and has some entertaining moments, but even at eighty-one minutes, it still feels padded as it has a few unnecessary flashbacks and dream scenes. 

Kokich, Dunkley, and Anne Leighton who plays Sparky, Superseven’s faithful mechanic (and gadget maker) are all quite good and their performances help make up for some of the budgetary lapses.  I also liked how they incorporated footage from the old Superargo movies for some of the action scenes.  The finale, where he fights the villainess “Thunderpussy” (Michelle Jubilee Gonzalez) and her sexy henchwomen at Bronson Canyon is fun too.  (Superseven’s absolute refusal to say her full name gives the movie its biggest laugh.)

I didn’t realize this was actually part of a web series when I sat down to watch it.  In fact, it’s actually the final chapter in a trilogy of features that have been edited together.  That explains why the flashback montage has a bunch of scenes not in the movie.  Quite honestly, it’s not like you’re missing much if you haven’t seen the others.  While They Call Me Superseven is fairly enjoyable, it’s missing a certain spark to make it truly a worthwhile satire.  That said, if you’re a fan of the kinds of movies being spoofed, you’ll probably enjoy it about as much as I did. 

FUTURE ZONE (1990) ** ½

David Carradine returned (this time with an earring) for this uneven, but mildly entertaining sequel to Future Force.  He gets saddled with a young hotshot partner played by Ted Prior (brother of the director, David A. Prior) and together they investigate a bombing.  Ted has a Big Secret he’s just dying to tell David, but I’m sure you’ll figure out what it is before the second reel. 

The screenwriters mixed in a little bit of Terminator-style time travel for this one, although they never really take full advantage of the potential.  Also, where the Hell is the “Future Zone” of the title?  Did they just call it that because they thought it sounded cool?  (Admittedly, it kinda does.)

Carradine and Prior have an easygoing chemistry with one another and the film is at its best when they are on screen together.  The highlight comes when they have a big brawl, which is sort of their version of the They Live alley fight scene.  Sadly, Carradine’s solo scenes aren’t as much fun as they lack the silly charm of the original.  The great Charles Napier pops up too as a crooked politician, even though he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Carradine’s real life wife, Gail Jensen also appears playing his on-screen spouse. 

Even though this sequel has more Sci-Fi elements, the budget feels cheaper this time around.  Once again, Carradine has the Power Glove that shoots lightning, but he keeps it locked up for much of the picture.  Although the glove scenes are limited to the opening and closing action sequences, it does blow up a helicopter in the end, so there’s that. 

Even though it falls short of its predecessor in nearly every way, Future Zone remains a fitfully amusing good time.  The scant seventy-nine minutes running time helps, and Prior keeps the action moving so that you never really have time to linger on the film’s flaws.  The hilariously overwrought score is good for a few laughs too. 

AKA:  Future Force 2.

FUTURE FORCE (1989) ***

In the near future, crime is out of control.  The government creates a private police force called Civilian Operated Police Systems (C.O.P.S. for short) to deal with the chaos.  That means cops like David Carradine are now basically a cross between an independent contractor and a bounty hunter.  

Really, the long-winded exposition is just an excuse to give us Wild West style shootouts on regular looking city streets rather than one horse towns, or sometimes in titty bars instead of old timey saloons.  Oh, and did I mention Carradine wears a Power Glove-inspired gauntlet that shoots lasers?

Anyway, the plot has a news anchor who is about to do a story on the crooked head of the C.O.P.S.  He doesn’t like that she’s been poking her nose in his illegal affairs, so he rigs the system and puts a bounty out on her.  Carradine arrests her, and soon after, not only are the bad guys after them, but so are all the C.O.P.S. who are looking to collect the bounty. 

Directed by David A. Prior for Action International Pictures, Future Force is silly fun.  Couple the Power Glove rip-off with Carradine’s trademark world-weariness and deadpan delivery, and you have a recipe for a breezy and cheezy beer and pizza movie.  It almost plays like a futuristic version of Wanted:  Dead or Alive and has some truly funny touches along the way (like the head of one of the crime syndicates being a priest).  I also dug the fact that all the C.O.P.S. dressed like extras from a biker movie. 

The highlight of the hilarity comes at the climax when Carradine battles Mr. Clean himself, Robert Tessier in a junkyard.  Down but not out, Carradine grabs the remote on his Power Glove and makes it fly around by itself and beat Tessier to a pulp.  In a word… Cinema. 

Carradine equips himself nicely here.  It’s hard to think of many actors who could sell this sort of silliness with a straight(ish) face and make it work.  Tessier (in one of his final roles) is also fun as the villain’s right-hand man.  Also in the mix is Fred Olen Ray regular (and ex-wife) Dawn Wildsmith, as the lone C.O.P. who remains loyal to Carradine. 

A sequel, Future Zone followed the next year. 

AKA:  C.O.P.S.

CAMP BLOOD CLOWN SHARK (2024) **

In this 13th(ish) entry in the long running Camp Blood franchise, Jerry (Anna Dainton), a spunky chick with red hair, decapitates the Camp Blood clown killer and tosses his head into the lake.  Six months later, the floating head grafts itself onto a random fish and somehow turns into a shark that starts eating swimmers and fishermen.  Meanwhile, Jerry begins having nightmares about the shark’s victims.  Eventually, she returns to stop the killer once and for all. 

The opening isn’t bad.  In fact, just about any scene with Dainton is pretty good.  Unfortunately, most of Camp Blood Clown Shark is a mess.  The kill scenes are mostly lame, but the bathtub attack is decent enough.  The effects for the shark are pathetic too as it’s just a Halloween mask superimposed over footage of a real shark.  (Amazingly, the Styrofoam fin that rises above the water looks more believable.)

Even though it’s only seventy minutes, it’s still padded with lots of nightmare scenes (some of which look like AI was used).  There’s also a subplot about rednecks trying to dish out vigilante justice to a relative of the Camp Blood killer that eats up a lot of screen time.  (Speaking of padding, there’s one scene where a woman yells, “Shark” over and over again as the shark’s POV swims through the water that goes on way too long.)  I sort of think the filmmakers started with a more traditional sequel plot then halfway through, someone got the idea to make the killer a shark, and they just tossed both ideas into the mix.  I mean, I’m always up for a dopey shark movie.  It’s just that the two halves make for a disjointed whole.

Longtime Polonia Brothers actor Jeff Kirkendall (who plays the sheriff) co-directed alongside Mark Polonia for this one.  Mark also shows up as one of the rednecks and Anthony Polonia (who did the special effects) has a cameo as a victim.  It’s Dainton who makes it watchable though.  Jennie Russo is also good as her sister who figures into the aforementioned bathtub scene. 

While it is certainly an inspired way to continue the franchise, fans of the Camp Blood movies will likely be disappointed by the lack of kills and thrills normally associated with series.  Shark movie enthusiasts are probably more inclined to enjoy it (there’s a crooked mayor character right out of Jaws), but that still doesn’t mean it’s very good.  I did like the unexpected (but not exactly successful) homage to the teaser trailer for Leatherface:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.