ROADSHOW TRAILERS VOL. 1 (199?) ***

Here’s a Something Weird compilation of trailers for movies that could only be shown as roadshow attractions.  These are films that tackled taboo (for the time) subject matter like sex and drugs.  Because of that, “respectable” theaters wouldn’t touch them.  Most of these were “scare” films meant to “educate” the moviegoing public, but nine times out of ten they were just good old-fashioned exploitation.  Producers would also throw in a lot of ballyhoo and sell pamphlets that pertained to whatever scandalous topic the picture claimed to warn against to further increase profits. 

Some of the topics and subgenres that are covered include drug scare pictures like Hopped-Up (starring Timothy Farrell), Devil’s Harvest, and Assassin of Youth.  “Family” pictures are represented by the likes of Test Tube Babies, Mom and Dad, and Tomorrow’s Children.  Then of course, there’s salacious “Adults Only” sexploitation such as The Flesh Merchant, Slaves in Bondage, and Child Bride.  There is also a heavy concentration of jungle pictures (most of which rely on native nudity as a selling point) like The Virgin Goddess, Mau Mau!, and The Gorilla Woman, and Burlesque features including A Virgin in Hollywood, Vegas Nights, and Woman’s a Fool (an all-black cast effort).  Ed Wood is also well-represented as we also get previews for Jail Bait, I Changed My Sex (AKA:  Glen or Glenda?), The Violent Years, and The Sinister Urge. 

The highlights come courtesy of the coming attractions for The Lash of the Penitentes (which features some surprising nudity), Vanishing Gangsters (a documentary on real life gangsters), Nudist Life (which humorously misspells “Nudist Park” as “Nudest Park”), and producer Kroger Babb’s personal message about the godless Communists in Half-Way to Hell.  Along the way, there are some great taglines.  A few of my favorites include Marihuana (“Divulging heretofore unheard of orgies of youth’s dissipation!”), I Want a Baby (“Teen-age girls with speed to spare and rarin’ to go!”), Karamoja (“See men pay for their young brides with cattle!”), and Blonde Pickup (“Now at last!  Life in the raw!”).

Even though most of the movies featured here are from the ‘30s, ‘40s, and ‘50s, there is still plenty of nudity, jaw-dropping subject matter, and camp value here.  Even in two-minute trailer form, the films contain more T & A than the previews seen in today’s theaters.  Overall, it’s a fine sampling of the roadshow and scare picture genres.  It features many of the best-known films of the era and many deep cuts and rarities.  Fans of this sort of thing are sure to find plenty of obscure titles to add to their watchlist. 

The complete list of trailers is as follows:  Karamoja, The Virgin Goddess, Hopped-Up, Test Tube Babies, Youth Aflame, Gambling With Souls, Maniac, Lash of the Penitentes, A Virgin in Hollywood, Mau Mau!, Vegas Nights, Souls in Pawn, Bedroom Fantasy, Pin Down Girls, Buxom Beautease, Mom & Dad, Vanishing Gangsters, Karamoja (a slightly different trailer than the first), Peek-A-Boo, Unmarried Mothers, The ABC's of Love, The Art of Burlesque, Outrages of the Orient, Atrocities of Manila, B-Girl Rhapsody, Bagdad After Midnite, Hollywood Burlesque, Devil's Harvest, The Devil's Sleep, Nudist Life, Ding Dong, Halfway to Hell, Tomorrow's Children, Marihuana, The Flesh Merchant, Jail Bait, Malamu, Forbidden Adventure, Slaves in Bondage, Assassin of Youth, The Gorilla Woman, I Changed My Sex, Escort Girl, Child Bride, I Want a Baby, Tijuana After Midnite, Woman's A Fool, The Violent Years, The Sinister Urge, and The Legend of Bigger Thomas. 

CADE: THE TORTURED CROSSING (2023) * ½

Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is Neil Breen’s sequel to Twisted Pair.  This might be Breen at his Breeniest.  Although I loved Fateful Findings and enjoyed Twisted Pair, my resolve was severely tested with this one.  “Tortured” indeed. 

Breen returns as Cade, the superhuman hero.  He bestows a bunch of money to a hospital sight unseen and is horrified when he learns the place is a dump.  Even worse is the fact the doctors are performing illicit experiments on the patients.  Cade’s evil twin Cale (also Breen) assists the doctors by kidnapping homeless teens in exchange for drugs.  Cade then teaches the teens to fight and together, they take back the hospital. 

There is one scene that is so purely Breenian that it will make your head spin.  I’m tempted not to spoil it for you, but I feel it’s worth mentioning, if only to sort of get you interested, as much of the rest of the film is a slog.  This scene finds Breen walking through a green-screened meadow (99% of the movie uses greenscreen) where he runs into a poorly CGI white tiger and they proceed to fight.  Then, they become friends, and the tiger transforms into a hot babe with big boobs.  This scene is WTF bliss and deserves to be shown in any compilation of Z-grade bad movies.  This moment alone is worth at least One Star in my book. 

There’s another sequence that’s not quite as nutty, but it did make me laugh pretty good.  That was the impromptu dance scene with all the teenage patients.  That was good for a Half-Star.  These two admittedly goofy bits are the only bright spots in the film. 

Sadly, the rest of Cade:  The Tortured Crossing is a mess.  It’s nowhere near as fun as his previous work as the scenes with the patients get repetitive in a hurry.  Sure, there are some chuckles here and there (like when Breen repairs an SUV with his mind), but the awful dialogue and awkward editing just doesn’t quite have the same zest of his previous entries. 

The over-reliance on greenscreen work is mind boggling.  Instead of just finding a location and filming there, Breen just inserts himself and his cast onto stock photos he found on the internet.  Only a director like Neil Breen would do something like this.  Because of that, I guess you could call this technique “Breen screen”. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD (2025) ***

General “Thunderbolt” Ross (Harrison Ford) is now President of the United States and offers Captain America (Anthony Mackie) an opportunity to restart The Avengers.  However, when an associate tries to assassinate Ross, Cap must get to the bottom of the attempt on the President’s life.  Meanwhile, the evil Leader (Tim Blake Nelson) has been manipulating Ross into turning into the rage-driven Red Hulk to show the world what a true monster he is. 

I enjoyed the Marvel show Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which had Falcon picking up the mantle of Captain America.  This big screen movie sequel feels more like a TV show than many of the recent Marvel pics.  The action scenes are decent enough I suppose, but they are a tad underwhelming for a big budget comic book movie.  While I probably would’ve been more disappointed if I saw it on the big screen, it looked fine at home on Disney+. 

As a fan of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk, I was intrigued to see all the stuff that was set up in that flick so long ago finally beginning to pay off.  It’s just kind of odd to see it happening in a Captain America movie.  The film also deals with the fallout from The Eternals (of all movies), which is kind of weird.  (The mention of adamantium also leads me to suspect they are starting to set up X-Men here too.)  Because of that, it felt less like an honest to God Captain American movie and more like Marvel tidying up their house a bit as they inch closer to another Avengers film.

This is kind of a disservice to Mackie, seeing as it’s his first solo shot as Cap.  The finale where Ross turns into Red Hulk is pretty good though and makes up for some of the film’s shortcomings.  You have to wonder if the symbolism of a black man trying to stop a President who has become a red monster from destroying the White House was accidental or intentional though. 

While the prospect of having Ford take over for the late William Hurt was promising, Ford seems grumpier than usual, especially when he’s supposed to be acting presidential.  Mackie is OK in the lead, but he’s just not given a whole lot here to work with.  Although he had an opportunity to properly flesh out his character on the Falcon show, he’s basically required to do little more than spout exposition and glower here.  Danny Ramirez, who plays the new Falcon, is pretty entertaining and brings some much-needed humor to the film.  Nelson is fun as Leader too, although it’s a shame they waited so long to utilize him. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

TWISTED PAIR (2018) ***

You get two Neil Breens for the price of one in the fitfully hilarious, but ultimately uneven grade Z Sci-Fi opus, Twisted Pair.  Breen stars as identical twins Cade and Cale who become humanoids and have superpowers.  Cade uses his gift to prevent “cyber and terror attacks” while Cale kidnaps and tortures crooked white collar criminals. 

For the first half hour or so, I thought this was going to surpass Breen’s manic WTF classic, Fateful Findings for sheer bad movie lunacy.  There were at least three times during that stretch where I actively doubted my sanity and mistrusted my own eyes.  The scenes of Breen walking in front of green screened backgrounds, leading troops into battle, and flying around like a half-assed superhero were 100% uncut Breen insanity.  The stuff with the evil Breen (yes, he has a poorly pasted-on goatee so you know he’s the bad twin) is good for some laughs too, as is the scenes with the villain (who looks like Michael Stipe cosplaying as Elton John with a Darth Vader voice).  Breen’s interaction with his wife is particularly mind-boggling as their first scene together requires them to do and say things that no two sane people who are supposed to be in love would ever do. 

In short, it’s your typical Neil Breen scene. 

Somewhere around the third act, the DIY charm begins to wear off and the inspired inanity starts to lose its luster.  Yes, the unexplained appearance of a Tinkerbell like fairy is batshit insane.  Yes, I laughed every time Breen said he was going to take down “Cooze’s Empire”.  However, the over-reliance on repeated scenes and fake looking explosions tend to feel like padding.  There’s a set-up for a sequel too that eats up some time, but of course, I intend to watch it ASAP.  

JAMES BANDE VS. O.S.SEX 69 (1986) ***

The KGB gathers together their best agents to kidnap secret agent James Bande (Gabrielle Pontello).  It’s not very difficult to find him since he always seems to be lounging around and banging broads.  The enemy agents then call on the services of “Dr. Dildo” (Marilyn Jess) and her merry band of Amazon warriors to set a trap for Bande. 

This in-name only sequel to James Bande 00 Sex starts off with a pretty good DP scene.  In fact, there is a heavy concentration on three-ways and anal action, so if you’re into that sort of thing you’ll probably enjoy it.  There’s definitely no shortage of fuck scenes to go around that’s for sure, and what they lack in eroticism, they make up for it in sheer quantity.  Many of the hardcore scenes take place outdoors in broad daylight (including a couple scenes on a boat), which helps gives the film a larger scope than the claustrophobic original. 

James Bande vs. O.S.Sex 69 feels a lot more professional than the original in just about every way.  The sex scenes are shot much better (there are no crew members shadows on the wall in this one) and it actually feels like a spy spoof, especially when compared to the hastily strung together antics of the first film.  Also, the plot makes a bit more sense this time around (even if much of it comes in the form of voiceover narration), although honestly, there’s only about 10% plot here and 90% fuck scenes.  For some (most) folks, that will be enough of a recommendation. 

I just wish Jess had more to do.  She doesn’t show up till the movie’s almost over and she only partakes in a poolside orgy.  Never mind the fact that she plays a character named “Dr. Dildo” who never once used a dildo, which is a little disappointing.  Oh well.  At any rate, it’s a vast improvement on the first movie all around.  Fans of Jess will enjoy her appearance (however briefly) and the unending string of hardcore scenes is enough to prevent you from getting bored. 

AKA:  Peep-Sex.

FATEFUL FINDINGS (2014) ****

Did James Nguyen’s Birdemic leave you in stitches?  Did Tommy Wiseau’s The Room drive you into hysterics?  Then folks, Neil Breen’s Fateful Findings is for you!  I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at… well… anything. 

A true Renaissance man, Breen, who looks like a freeze-dried Bob Dylan, wrote, produced, directed, and stars in this sucker.  He plays an author who is now “hacking into government secrets” to expose corruption.  One day, he is hit by a car and instantly gets better.  His doctor also happens to be his long-lost childhood friend who, as a child, was there when he discovered a mystical cube hidden inside of a mushroom.  When she is kidnapped, Neil uses his mystical powers to get her back. 

Like The Room, our main character is always right about everything and there is little to no drama as the plot conveniently bends to his whims.  When he finds his childhood friend, he wants to be with her, but he’s already married to a hot foreign babe.  No problem, because almost immediately, she commits suicide and now he is free to court his long-lost love. 

Speaking of suicide, the ending has to be seen to be believed.  Remember the end of On Deadly Ground where Steven Seagal gave that big political speech?  He’s got nothing on Neil Breen.  When Breen holds a press conference and exposes all the crooked fat cats, they take the stage, immediately apologize for all wrongdoing, and promptly off themselves, some right on stage and no one does anything.  Heck, Breen keeps right on talking!  Incredible. 

Speaking of suicide (yes, I know this is the second paragraph in a row that I have started with that phrase, but it is a running theme throughout the film), nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for Breen’s reaction when he finds out his friend has committed suicide.  Be prepared to rewind and rewatch this part over and over again.  It's pure comedy gold.

This is a vanity protect through and through, but it’s so spectacularly inept it’s guaranteed to make your jaw drop every ten minutes.  Dialogue scenes start with lots of yelling, then somehow everyone is all happy, only to start yelling at each other again in the next scene.  People are shown talking on the phone to persons unknown about God knows what.  Breen also gives us a lot of gratuitous nude scenes of himself.  Thankfully, he spares us the sight of his Breenis.  (Or maybe his Oscar Mayer Breener?) 

The motif of Breen trashing laptops is downright perplexing.  He has no less than four of them in his office, and none of them are ever turned on.  Whenever he gets mad, he tosses them to the ground in anger.  Try to keep a running tab of how many times it happens.  (He also types like someone with acute nerve damage to his hands.)  Also, this flick has the most random closeups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

When you watch Fateful Findings, it becomes apparent Neil Breen, the writer couldn’t write a coherent scene if his life depended on it.  It’s obvious Neil Breen the actor, couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.  And it’s painfully clear that Neil Breen, the director had no idea what the fuck he was doing behind the camera.  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is one of the funniest bad movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. 

GHOST NURSING (1982) ***

Jackie (Suit Li) is a hooker from China who moves in with her sister in Thailand.  Before long, she gets Jackie a job turning tricks out of a nightclub.  After witnessing a murder, Jackie becomes convinced she is jinxed.  She consults a mystic who confirms she is cursed by misdeeds from a previous life.  The only way to break the curse is to “adopt” a baby ghost, which means bring home a fetus, put it on an altar, and pray to it daily. 

What do you know?  It works.  And soon, anyone who messes with Jackie has something dreadful happen to them.  However, when she finds true love, our heroine becomes so busy she forgets to leave offerings to her ghost baby.  Naturally, the supernatural tyke sets out to make her new man’s life a living Hell.  He soon turns to his friend, a professor of the occult for help, which only makes things worse. 

The scenes where the ghost protects Jackie from lecherous men are fun.  It makes one perv slip on a banana peel like a goddamn cartoon character.  Another dude pukes maggots.  Then, a gangster rapist gets killed by his own zombie henchmen.  Even with all this zaniness going on, the biggest laugh comes during a long nightclub scene where a lounge singer does a thoroughly mid version of Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All”. 

Ghost Nursing isn’t perfect by a long shot.  The scene with the mystic performing a ritual on a (real) dead monkey was a bit unnecessary.  There’s also way too much slow motion in the third act and it suffers from an abrupt ending too.  However, if you know what to expect from these anything-goes types of Chinese horror movies, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as I did.  The electronic heavy score is quite good too and sounds like Goblin in some places. 

Besides, Ghost Nursing features some shit I’ve never seen in a movie before, so for that, it gets a gold star.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see an exorcism performed on a fetus, then this is your movie.  If you’ve ever had a hankering to watch a crucifixion with a pair of flip flops, then move this to the front of your queue.  Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

MICKEY 17 (2025) *** ½

Robert Pattinson stars in the latest from director Bong Joon (Parasite) Ho.  It’s a wild and surprisingly touching Sci-Fi flick about an “expendable” named Mickey (Pattinson) who works for a big futuristic conglomerate.  They send him on various dangerous missions and as he dies, they collect data for scientific research purposes.  Once he’s dead, they just clone a new Mickey (the clone machine looks like a big inkjet printer, which is a nice touch) and send him out on his next mission. 

One of the major themes in Ho’s work has been class inequality.  With Mickey 17, he yet again provides some sharp commentary as Mickey is looked down on by nearly everyone who comes in contact with him.  There are also themes about immigration and a few completely unsubtle jabs at the MAGA crowd. 

Pattinson works overtime here, sometimes reaching Nicolas Cage levels of acting zaniness.  He adopts an accent that almost sounds like Steve Buscemi with a mouthful of Novocain, and his body language and mannerisms are about as far from the Twilight movies as you can get.  What’s terrific about his performance is that he endears himself to the audience right from the opening moments.  Once we understand his plight, we are with him through thick and thin as most of our empathy for Mickey comes from seeing him used as a human guinea pig. 

Mark Ruffalo gives another finely tweaked performance that ranks up there with his role in Poor Things in terms of brazen peculiarity.  He is sneakily becoming one of our go-to guys for oddball supporting roles.  Toni Collette is amusing as his wife, and Steve Yeun gets some laughs as Mickey’s former associate. 

The film does lose a bit of its zing when Mickey realizes he’s a “multiple” and there’s another one of him running around.  (The scene where his girlfriend tries to have a threesome with him notwithstanding.)  Ho also has a habit of being a little on the nose when it comes to the points he’s making, but I guess you can do that in a Sci-Fi satire and get away with it.

I have to hand it to Ho for taking a big swing after winning the Oscar for Parasite, a small, personal indie and going to the opposite end of the spectrum with a big budget Sci-Fi movie but still keeping those same kinds of ideals intact.  It’s the kind of crazy movie you can only make after you win an Oscar and Hollywood lets you do whatever the hell you want.  The film runs maybe twenty minutes too long and has one or two unnecessary subplots, but again, if you win an Oscar, you’re allowed to indulge yourself a little bit.  Since Mickey 17 was a big flop, I don’t know what Ho will do for an encore.  One thing’s for sure; I will definitely check it out. 

JAMES BANDE 00 SEX (1982) **

This French porno spoof of James Bond starts off with a dude getting a blow job while working out on a rowing machine.  The funny this is he doesn’t stop working out.  He keeps rowing back and forth while the chick bobs up and down on his knob.  That’s what I call dedication to your workout regimen.  I have to admit, I couldn’t get into this scene because I kept thinking he was going to accidentally smack her in the back of the head while she was going down on him. 

Even though I had the benefit of subtitles, I am still hard pressed to remember the plot.  There is a meeting between super spy James Bande (Guy Royer) with his “M” like female superior who gives him his mission, but most of the time is spent on them having a three-way with her secretary.  (The unnecessary fly-eye lens during the blow job scene kind of ruins the fun.)

In one scene where he does some actual spying, he just looks through a pair of binoculars on a couch and sees a couple doing it.  He doesn’t even look out the window or anything.  He just holds them up to his eyes and we assume he’s got Superman vision or something.  Even better is the fact that it looks like the couple he’s spying on is in the same room!

The humor is pretty lame, like when Bande scuba dives and comes up for air in a bathtub where interrupts a woman who’s masturbating.  Another humorous scene has a pair of sunbathing ladies having a poolside lesbian session in broad daylight until they accidentally roll down the hill in the interlocked 69 position. 

I guess I could abide a James Bond porno spoof that wasn’t funny and didn’t really satirize the series directly if the sex scenes were hot, but they aren’t very good either.  One potentially steamy scene where Bande and a buddy bang a bimbo is ruined by close-ups of their constant mugging while she is going down on them.  The scene with the lesbians who become horny while playing a board game and proceed to 69 starts with promise, although it ends much too quickly to be very satisfying. 

The only memorable scenes happen at the very end.  The first is when the villain uses a gun on a captive female as a marital aid and the other… uh… comes when Bande disarms a henchwoman by cumming in her face.  (Which is blue for some reason.)  Sadly, oddball moments like these are few and far between. 

If you’re watching this to get off, you’ll probably wind up with a case of Thunderballs. 

AKA:  Clemintine.  AKA:  Clemintine 006.

SWAMP THING (1982) ** ½

After the success of Superman, DC tried to kickstart another comic book franchise, with mixed results.  While Swamp Thing isn’t exactly bad, it’s kind of an odd duck.  Despite the pedigree of horror maestro Wes Craven behind the camera, and a who’s who of genre vets in supporting roles, it never quite gels. 

Doctor Holland (Ray Wise) is performing experiments in the swamp when the evil Arcane (Louis Jourdan) steals his work and sets his lab (and Holland) ablaze.  In the fire, Holland’s formula grafts onto his body and turns him into the rubbery looking Swamp Thing.  Arcane wants the formula for himself, so he sets a trap for him by using Holland’s associate Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) as bait. 

Craven tones down his usual horror instincts and takes an overly comic books approach, which is only occasionally successful.  The comic book transitions are a little too on the nose, as if to wink to the audience and say, “Hey guys!  It's just like a comic book!”  Even the straightforward attempts at horror wind up being a little goofy and don’t really land.  Conversely, the score by Harry Manfredini works overtime trying to sound like a horror film, which doesn’t quite match the action on screen.  (It often sounds like outtakes from his score to Friday the 13th.)

The Swamp Thing suit often looks phony baloney too.  You can see the seams, and the rubber bends and bulges when he walks around.  He looks much better from afar and he takes on a Bigfoot kind of mystique when he runs around the swamp in long shots.  Maybe if he had been kept in the shadows, it might’ve been a different story, but in brightly lit scenes, it looks like a monster from a ‘50s movie.  The final Arcane monster is particularly silly looking. 

That said, it still remains reasonably enjoyable, even if the film never lives up to its potential.  Barbeau is fun as the spunky and resourceful heroine.  Craven’s Last House on the Left leading man David Hess makes a memorable impression as Jourdan’s right-hand man, as does Nicholas Worth as another one of his armed guards.  Jourdan makes for an appropriately smarmy villain, but it’s Reggie Batts (in his only film role) who steals the movie as Barbeau’s wisecracking sidekick. 

Ultimately, I think Jim Wynorski embraced the camp factor much more successfully with the sequel, The Return of Swamp Thing.  (The Swamp Thing suit looked a lot better in that one too.)  The TV series which soon followed did a better job with the horror elements and mood.  This one sort of falls in between those efforts in terms of tone.  Overall, it’s not one of Craven’s best, but it’s an interesting enough attempt of a horror master trying to go mainstream. 

Kudos to the folks at MVD for releasing the mythical unrated version.  This edition contains some extra nudity from not only Barbeau but a few random belly dancers as well.  It’s nothing to get your heart racing or anything, but it at least gives the film a bit more edge. 

HEAVY METAL (1981) *** ½

Ivan Reitman produced this dazzling, sophomoric, and fun animated adaptation of the popular magazine.  Like most anthology movies, some segments are better than others.  However, there isn’t a bad story in the bunch.  Of course, the copious amounts of animated T & A doesn’t hurt either.

The wraparound segments, entitled “Soft Landing” (***) are probably the weakest part, but they’re still pretty good.  An astronaut brings a glowing orb home as a gift for his daughter.  After vaporizing dear old dad, the orb tells the girl about its previous incarnations. 

“Harry Canyon” (***) is the first official story.  The eponymous cab driver ekes out a living in futuristic New York City.  His world is turned upside down when he meets a woman whose father discovered the orb.  She’s on the run from sinister agents who want the orb and Harry tries to help her out of a jam. 

This segment has a fun, futuristic film noir feel.  (Harry’s hardboiled narration would be at home in a ‘40s detective movie.)  The voice acting by Richard Romanus is good and the New York cityscape looks cool, but the ending kind of fizzles out. 

The next sequence is “Den” (****).  A nerdy boy gets whisked away to another planet by the orb.  The kid transforms into a bald barbarian and sets out to rescue (and bed) a hot, perpetually naked woman. 

This one is the best of the bunch.  It has a perfect measure of self-parody while still giving fans what they want to see, namely cool monsters, gore, and naked chicks.  John Candy’s voice work is terrific in this and his running commentary on the action is often hilarious. 

“Captain Sternn” (***) follows.  It’s a courtroom drama about a slimy space captain on trial for numerous offenses.  He thinks a key witness (who is possessed by the orb) will help him out of his jam, and he’s right… to a point.

This one isn’t quite as strong as the other segments.  It’s kind of slight and lightweight.  On the plus side, the ending is a lot of fun, and John Vernon is great as the voice of the grouchy prosecutor. 

Then, it’s horror-tinged “B-17” (****).  An American bomber takes on enemy fire during a mission.  When one of the pilots goes to assess the damage, he is horrified to learn that a green glowing light has turned his fallen comrades into skeletal zombies. 

This segment, written by Alien’s Dan O’Bannon, is a wonderful mood piece.  It’s scary and atmospheric and would fit right at home in an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  It’s also just different enough from the other stories to feel like a breath of fresh air. 

“So Beautiful and So Dangerous” (***) is next.  A Pentagon secretary is abducted by aliens flying around in a smiley face spaceship.  A horny robot quickly turns her on to the joy of automaton lovemaking, but will their relationship be able to stand the test of time?

This story is lightweight, but it gets plenty of big laughs.  That’s largely due to John Candy’s voice acting as the Casanova droid.  Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy are pretty funny as the drug-addled aliens, but their scenes almost feel like they came out of another sequence entirely. 

The final story is “Taarna” (***).  A green goo turns a guy into an evil dictator, and he sets about to take over the planet.  The people’s last hope is a brave (and half naked) warrior woman who flies around in a pterodactyl. 

Trippy visuals and sexy women highlight this tale.  It more or less gives you everything you want from something like this.  The only downside is it runs on a bit too long. 

Overall, Heavy Metal is a lot of fun.  It gleefully caters to adolescent fantasies and features copious amounts of gratuitous violence and T & A.  Although the soundtrack is quite good, there’s only one song in there that I’d consider “Heavy Metal”.  (Journey’s “Open Arms” is about the farthest thing you can get to heavy metal.)  Still, that’s a minor nitpick as the movie more or less… uh… rocks. 

Heavy Metal 2000 followed nineteen years later. 

D'WILD WILD WENG (1982) *** ½

You loved him in For Your Height only playing the diminutive Secret Agent 00.  Now, everyone’s favorite two-foot nine Pilipino action star Weng Weng is back, this time in the outrageous Kung Fu Western, D’Wild Wild Weng.  Of all the Weng Weng movies I’ve seen, this one might be my favorite. 

Weng stars as Mr. Weng, who along with his Kung Fu fighting pal, Gordon (Max Laurel) are on their way to Santa Monica.  They soon learn the place is overrun by the evil Sebastian (Romy Diaz) and his gang of ruffians.  It then falls on Mr. Weng and Gordon to liberate the town. 

There are some things I never thought I’d see in my lifetime but can be found in this movie:  A remake of The Magnificent Seven starring a little person.  (It’s more like The Magnificent 1 ½.)  A flashback told by a man with no tongue.  A Native American tribe comprised of little people.  Folks, this movie has everything:  Mexican banditos dressed like Slow Poke Rodriguez, Ninjas, and an ending that features the hero sneaking into the enemy camp when his sidekick throws him over the wall like a human lawn dart.  Also, Weng Weng has Kung Fu training montages set to mariachi music. 

And get this:  Weng Weng SINGS!  Remember that scene in For Your Height Only when Weng Weng flew around using a jet pack?  Well, somehow this scene manages to be even more unbelievable. 

D’Wild Wild Weng exists in a weird time warp, which adds to the charm.  At first, it looks like it’s set in the Old West, but about halfway through we see someone riding around in a dune buggy.  The fact that Samurais and Ninjas are also in league with the villain just adds to the WTF factor. 

Once again, Weng Weng throws himself into his fight scenes with gusto.  He kicks lots of ass as he uses his height difference to his advantage.  He even performs his own crazy stunts (where could they possibly find a double?), which gives many of his scenes a Jackie Chan kind of vibe.  Sure, the film starts to stall here and there in the second act, but overall, this is a jaw-dropping good time. 

THEY CALL ME SUPERSEVEN (2016) ** ½

They Call Me Superseven is a mildly amusing spoof of ‘60s superhero and spy movies.  In fact, the hero, Superseven (Jerry Kokich) dresses exactly like Superargo from Superargo and the Faceless Giants.  The film is separated into “acts” that make it feel like chapters from an old Saturday morning serial, but it’s actually taken from episodes of a web series that I somehow missed. 

Superseven is a secret agent for T.H.E.M. out to recruit the sexy Sandra West (Olivia Dunkley) for the organization.  Together, they set out to stop the evil crime syndicate T.H.E.Y.  When T. H.E.Y. kidnaps Sandra, it’s up to Superseven to rescue her.  Oh, and did I mention that in addition to being a super spy, he’s also a part time actor and singing star? 

Since El Santo was one of the inspirations for our hero (and also appears on a TV), there is talk about Superseven previously fighting werewolves, vampires, and zombies.  Honestly, I would’ve rather seen that instead of watching him in a low budget spy comedy, but that’s just personal preference talking.  Overall, it’s not bad and has some entertaining moments, but even at eighty-one minutes, it still feels padded as it has a few unnecessary flashbacks and dream scenes. 

Kokich, Dunkley, and Anne Leighton who plays Sparky, Superseven’s faithful mechanic (and gadget maker) are all quite good and their performances help make up for some of the budgetary lapses.  I also liked how they incorporated footage from the old Superargo movies for some of the action scenes.  The finale, where he fights the villainess “Thunderpussy” (Michelle Jubilee Gonzalez) and her sexy henchwomen at Bronson Canyon is fun too.  (Superseven’s absolute refusal to say her full name gives the movie its biggest laugh.)

I didn’t realize this was actually part of a web series when I sat down to watch it.  In fact, it’s actually the final chapter in a trilogy of features that have been edited together.  That explains why the flashback montage has a bunch of scenes not in the movie.  Quite honestly, it’s not like you’re missing much if you haven’t seen the others.  While They Call Me Superseven is fairly enjoyable, it’s missing a certain spark to make it truly a worthwhile satire.  That said, if you’re a fan of the kinds of movies being spoofed, you’ll probably enjoy it about as much as I did. 

FUTURE ZONE (1990) ** ½

David Carradine returned (this time with an earring) for this uneven, but mildly entertaining sequel to Future Force.  He gets saddled with a young hotshot partner played by Ted Prior (brother of the director, David A. Prior) and together they investigate a bombing.  Ted has a Big Secret he’s just dying to tell David, but I’m sure you’ll figure out what it is before the second reel. 

The screenwriters mixed in a little bit of Terminator-style time travel for this one, although they never really take full advantage of the potential.  Also, where the Hell is the “Future Zone” of the title?  Did they just call it that because they thought it sounded cool?  (Admittedly, it kinda does.)

Carradine and Prior have an easygoing chemistry with one another and the film is at its best when they are on screen together.  The highlight comes when they have a big brawl, which is sort of their version of the They Live alley fight scene.  Sadly, Carradine’s solo scenes aren’t as much fun as they lack the silly charm of the original.  The great Charles Napier pops up too as a crooked politician, even though he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Carradine’s real life wife, Gail Jensen also appears playing his on-screen spouse. 

Even though this sequel has more Sci-Fi elements, the budget feels cheaper this time around.  Once again, Carradine has the Power Glove that shoots lightning, but he keeps it locked up for much of the picture.  Although the glove scenes are limited to the opening and closing action sequences, it does blow up a helicopter in the end, so there’s that. 

Even though it falls short of its predecessor in nearly every way, Future Zone remains a fitfully amusing good time.  The scant seventy-nine minutes running time helps, and Prior keeps the action moving so that you never really have time to linger on the film’s flaws.  The hilariously overwrought score is good for a few laughs too. 

AKA:  Future Force 2.

FUTURE FORCE (1989) ***

In the near future, crime is out of control.  The government creates a private police force called Civilian Operated Police Systems (C.O.P.S. for short) to deal with the chaos.  That means cops like David Carradine are now basically a cross between an independent contractor and a bounty hunter.  

Really, the long-winded exposition is just an excuse to give us Wild West style shootouts on regular looking city streets rather than one horse towns, or sometimes in titty bars instead of old timey saloons.  Oh, and did I mention Carradine wears a Power Glove-inspired gauntlet that shoots lasers?

Anyway, the plot has a news anchor who is about to do a story on the crooked head of the C.O.P.S.  He doesn’t like that she’s been poking her nose in his illegal affairs, so he rigs the system and puts a bounty out on her.  Carradine arrests her, and soon after, not only are the bad guys after them, but so are all the C.O.P.S. who are looking to collect the bounty. 

Directed by David A. Prior for Action International Pictures, Future Force is silly fun.  Couple the Power Glove rip-off with Carradine’s trademark world-weariness and deadpan delivery, and you have a recipe for a breezy and cheezy beer and pizza movie.  It almost plays like a futuristic version of Wanted:  Dead or Alive and has some truly funny touches along the way (like the head of one of the crime syndicates being a priest).  I also dug the fact that all the C.O.P.S. dressed like extras from a biker movie. 

The highlight of the hilarity comes at the climax when Carradine battles Mr. Clean himself, Robert Tessier in a junkyard.  Down but not out, Carradine grabs the remote on his Power Glove and makes it fly around by itself and beat Tessier to a pulp.  In a word… Cinema. 

Carradine equips himself nicely here.  It’s hard to think of many actors who could sell this sort of silliness with a straight(ish) face and make it work.  Tessier (in one of his final roles) is also fun as the villain’s right-hand man.  Also in the mix is Fred Olen Ray regular (and ex-wife) Dawn Wildsmith, as the lone C.O.P. who remains loyal to Carradine. 

A sequel, Future Zone followed the next year. 

AKA:  C.O.P.S.

CAMP BLOOD CLOWN SHARK (2024) **

In this 13th(ish) entry in the long running Camp Blood franchise, Jerry (Anna Dainton), a spunky chick with red hair, decapitates the Camp Blood clown killer and tosses his head into the lake.  Six months later, the floating head grafts itself onto a random fish and somehow turns into a shark that starts eating swimmers and fishermen.  Meanwhile, Jerry begins having nightmares about the shark’s victims.  Eventually, she returns to stop the killer once and for all. 

The opening isn’t bad.  In fact, just about any scene with Dainton is pretty good.  Unfortunately, most of Camp Blood Clown Shark is a mess.  The kill scenes are mostly lame, but the bathtub attack is decent enough.  The effects for the shark are pathetic too as it’s just a Halloween mask superimposed over footage of a real shark.  (Amazingly, the Styrofoam fin that rises above the water looks more believable.)

Even though it’s only seventy minutes, it’s still padded with lots of nightmare scenes (some of which look like AI was used).  There’s also a subplot about rednecks trying to dish out vigilante justice to a relative of the Camp Blood killer that eats up a lot of screen time.  (Speaking of padding, there’s one scene where a woman yells, “Shark” over and over again as the shark’s POV swims through the water that goes on way too long.)  I sort of think the filmmakers started with a more traditional sequel plot then halfway through, someone got the idea to make the killer a shark, and they just tossed both ideas into the mix.  I mean, I’m always up for a dopey shark movie.  It’s just that the two halves make for a disjointed whole.

Longtime Polonia Brothers actor Jeff Kirkendall (who plays the sheriff) co-directed alongside Mark Polonia for this one.  Mark also shows up as one of the rednecks and Anthony Polonia (who did the special effects) has a cameo as a victim.  It’s Dainton who makes it watchable though.  Jennie Russo is also good as her sister who figures into the aforementioned bathtub scene. 

While it is certainly an inspired way to continue the franchise, fans of the Camp Blood movies will likely be disappointed by the lack of kills and thrills normally associated with series.  Shark movie enthusiasts are probably more inclined to enjoy it (there’s a crooked mayor character right out of Jaws), but that still doesn’t mean it’s very good.  I did like the unexpected (but not exactly successful) homage to the teaser trailer for Leatherface:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.

BLACK WIDOW (2008) ** ½

Melanie (Alicia Coppola) is a journalist who has a crush on her rich friend Danny (Randall Batinkoff).  When Danny begins seeing the sexy Olivia (Elizabeth Berkley), Melanie, out of possibly a tinge of jealousy, begins checking up on her.  She slowly begins to suspect that Olivia is laundering money out of a local charity, but of course nobody believes her.  Even worse is the fact that Olivia may also be a serial murderer who marries and buries her rich husbands. 

Directed by Armand (He Knows You’re Alone) Mastroianni, Black Widow was made for The Lifetime Channel.  This was the era that was in between the ‘90s, when they would rerun network TV Movies of the Week, and today, when most of the “Wrong” series of thrillers dominate the airways.  In fact, this almost feels like an early blueprint for those films. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for Lifetime movies, so this one went down smooth enough.  The scenes of Berkley romancing Batinkoff are amusing.  It’s funny seeing her neckline become progressively lower from scene to scene, which correlates to his infatuation level.  The stuff with Coppola and her girl Friday (Adriana DeMeo) digging into Berkley’s past are kind of cliché, but still watchable.  Even when the plot begins spinning its wheels, you can still enjoy seeing Berkley and Coppola (no relation to Francis and his clan) acting catty towards each other. 

Berkley is well cast as the femme fatale.  This isn’t quite in the same league as her immortal turn in Showgirls, but it’s fun, nevertheless.  Coppola is strong as the heroine who uses her journalism skills to uncover Berkley’s secrets, and Batinkoff is very Henry Thomas-like as the clueless mark.  George (Fletch) Wyner also turns up as Coppola’s boss. 

No one reinvented the wheel with this one.  Mastroianni didn’t hit it out of the park or anything (the third act, especially the final confrontation with Berkley, is rushed), but it’s a respectable extra-base hit.  If you find yourself watching this kind of stuff on rainy afternoons, it will get the job done.  Berkley fans will also want to give it a look.

AKA:  Dark Beauty.

CQ (2002) ***

Jeremy Davies stars as an editor on a Sci-Fi movie in the ‘60s.  In his spare time, he works on a personal black and white autobiographical documentary which is a stark contrast to the film at his day job.  When the director is fired, it falls on Davies to finish the movie. 

Written and directed by Roman Coppola, CQ is a love letter to a bygone era of moviemaking.  You can almost imagine him hearing stories from his dad, Francis Ford Coppola and using it for fodder for his film.  The scenes of the movie within a movie (Codename:  Dragonfly) are a lot of fun.  They are obviously modeled on Barbarella, and Coppola admirably recreates that film’s cheeky aesthetic.  (One of the stars of Barbarella, John Phillip Law, also turns up in a supporting role.)  The film’s finale also owes a debt to THD-1138, which the elder Coppola also produced. 

The cast is great.  Davies is solid in the lead playing a more polished version of his typical introvert character.  Gerard Depardieu is amusing as the temperamental director who gets fired and Jason Schwartzman is fun as the hotshot director brought in to salvage the picture.  Billy Zane is a hoot as the actor who plays the villain in the film within a film.  We also have Dean Stockwell as Davies’ dad and Giancarlo Gianni as the producer. 

It’s Angela Lindvall who steals the movie as the sexy actress who plays the Barbarella-inspired character.  She really nails the acting style necessary for the part as she makes her character Dragonfly quite endearing.  (I’d pay to see a real feature length version of the fake movie.)  She’s also quite good in her scenes as the actress as she is a double threat in both the “real” and “reel” sequences. 

Sure, CQ is lightweight, but it’s also a lot of fun.  It’s got style for days and is able to coast on vibes alone.  Fans of Barbarella will definitely appreciate the homage and those who enjoy movies about the filmmaking process will dig it too. 

JACKALS (2017) ****

Jimmy (Stephen Dorff) is a former Marine turned deprogrammer who kidnaps a rich kid named Justin (Ben Sullivan) from a cult and brings him to a cabin in the woods.  There, he and Justin’s family stage an intervention and try to undo the cults’ mental hold over him.  It doesn’t take long before the cult members show up with the intent to bring Justin home and slaughter anyone who stands in their way. 

Director Kevin (Saw X) Greutert kicks things off with a solid Halloween-inspired opening shown from a killer’s POV.  After a while, the film turns into a siege movie.  Think Split Image meets The Strangers.  I find cult mentalities and deprogramming fascinating so I may have enjoyed this one more than the general consensus.  I also have a small place in my heart for siege films too, so again your enjoyment for this nasty piece of work may differ from mine. 

Greutert delivers a three chords suspense picture that hits the right notes and contains at least one strong jump scare.  He maintains a claustrophobic atmosphere throughout and keeps the pace moving with precision.  Most of the family’s strife is unpleasant, but that just adds to the overall tension.   Also interesting is the fact that the script deliberately leaves the cult’s intentions and beliefs vague.  They just want Justin.  Honestly, I admire the stripped-down approach, especially when it’s in favor of delivering shocks. 

Jackals also features a solid cast.  Dorff is a standout as the gruff but focused deprogrammer.  Jonathan Schaech and Debra Kara Unger are both excellent as the parents too.  Sullivan is also quite good as the brainwashed son. 

This is not a fun movie.  It is often sadistic and nihilistic.  It is also quite effective and unsettling.  If you don’t want to be disturbed, then steer clear at all costs.  However, for those with steely resolve, Jackals is a heck of a ride. 

LEATHER AND LACE (198?) ****

Black Magic and the Pussycats are an all-girl, all-nude band that performs while a sexy brunette (presumably named “Black Magic”, but there’s no credits or hardly any information available about this fascinating relic anywhere online) performs stripteases.  (Actually, the band are mostly for show as they are clearly miming the different songs that are heard on the soundtrack.)  Then, they back a nude ballet number with a guy prancing around naked and women running around and wrapping him up with ribbon.  Next, they play “O Pretty Woman” (well, Roy Orbison does) while Black Magic (I’ll just call her that for the sake of argument) lip synchs and takes her clothes off (she also lip synchs to Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls”). 

Next up is a film segment about a motorcycle rider who spies on a scantily clad girl playing a flute in the woods.  Then, it’s back to Black Magic lip synching to Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child in the City”.  Afterwards, she performs more numbers including a cover of “Black Magic”, “Hot Stuff”, and a reprise of “Bad Girls” (on top of a scaffolding with back-up dancers). 

Then, it’s back to the lovers in the forest who get it in while smooth jazz plays in the background (but not before he performs some nude gymnastics).  Black Magic soon returns to perform the dirty novelty country songs “Dolly Parton’s Tits” and “I’ve Seen Public Hair (a parody of “I’ve Been Everywhere”).  Next is a Bobby and Cissy type of number, if Cissy was Asian and wore a see-thru nightie, that is. 

Finally, we get to our leather portion of the show and was it ever worth the wait!  Our leading lady comes out dressed like a dominatrix in leather crotchless chaps wielding a whip and dancing proactively to a few instrumental numbers.  Meanwhile, we cut back to our lovebirds in the forest where the gal watches her man perform more gymnastic feats before making love by the fire.  Then, three gals perform a nude tap dance routine… and… well… that’s it!

Leather and Lace is a jaw dropping time capsule.  I love this kind of dated fusion of rock n’ roll and T & A.  I admire the purity of the concept as it’s nothing but music and nudity.  There’s no attempt to make sense out of any of it.  It just happens.  We probably didn’t need the scenes with all the swinging dicks (sometimes quite literally), but I guess you’ve got to have something in there for the ladies too.

I don’t know much about Black Magic and the Pussycats, but they have one-upped the band The Ladybirds from The Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield.  Whereas The Ladybirds played topless, these girls rock out totally in the buff.  Now, it’s debatable if the Pussycats actually play their instruments, but when they look this hot, who cares? 

I caught this oddity on The Roku Channel, The B-Zone.  The movie (if you want to call it that) doesn’t have an IMDb page.  There’s very little information about it on the internet (aside from a few short clips that are on a porn site that will probably give me a hundred viruses if I click on it).  In fact, The B-Zone may be the only place you can see it in its entirety.  If you aren’t already in the know, The B-Zone is the greatest streaming channel around.  It plays tons of vintage ‘80s erotica like this.  From Playboy Channel specials to celebrity workout videos, it’s got a bevy of wonderful oddities.  If you like old-timey smut like me, you should add it to your Roku player and see what you’re missing. 

MONDO FREUDO (1966) ** ½

Mondo Freudo is director Lee Frost’s rip-off of Mondo Cane.  Like its follow-up, Mondo Bizarro, it takes the hidden camera approach, catching unscripted moments as they happen.  Most of it, of course, has all been staged for your amusement, although the segments themselves are hit and miss at best. 

The hidden camera spies on a couple making love on the beach at night, teenagers cruising up and down Hollywood Boulevard, slave trading in Tijuana, and a Japanese club that specializes in S & M floor shows.  The most interesting segment is on strip clubs that skirt past local obscenity laws to show nudity, like the totally nude underground club in London, and the club for “junior executives” and the topless Watusi bar, both in San Francisco.  Meanwhile, lesbian prostitutes are interviewed in London, an artist performs nude body painting, and prostitutes work the streets in New York.  (The familiar voice of the producer, Bob Creese is heard as the john in this scene.)  My favorite sequence is the final piece on German mud wrestlers.  (Patrons of the bar sitting ringside are given ponchos so they don’t get muddy!)

Mondo Freudo is noticeably less racy and tamer than its sequel Mondo Bizarro.  (Frost even takes to using footage from his previous film, Hollywood’s World of Flesh for padding.)  I give him credit for trying to make some of this seem believable, but that sort of takes away from the fun.  It’s sort of telling that the most memorable sequence is the most phony-baloney.  Of course, I’m talking about the scene involving a witch holding a black mass.  The fact that other segments feel like they could possibly happen makes this stretch seem even more fantastic.  Frost, who directed everything from biker pictures (Chrome and Hot Leather) to Blaxploitation (The Black Gestapo) to straight-up porn (A Climax of Blue Power), found a much better (and consistent) tone for Mondo Bizarro, which I think is overall the better of the two.  The surf rock theme song is excellent though. 

MONDO BIZARRO (1966) ***

Four years after they made the incredible horror-themed nudie-cutie, House on Bare Mountain, director Lee Frost and star Bob Cresse collaborated on a one-two punch of Mondo movies.  Mondo Bizarro was the second film of the pair.  It follows a “hidden camera” format that allows the audience to peer into places like a lingerie shop in Chicago where we spy on women in dressing rooms, a voodoo ritual in the Bahamas (the ceremony is fake but the animals that are sacrificed are very real), and massage parlors in Japan while a solemn narrator intones wisdom like, “The cadaver is infinity!” 

Most of this is as phony as a three-dollar bill (the way the filmmakers try to preserve the subject’s “anonymity” via negative scratches over faces, license plates, and pubic regions was a nice touch though) and some bits are more amusing than others.  Interestingly enough, the sequences that feel the least staged are the most effective, like the behind the scenes look at the inner workings of Frederick’s of Hollywood.  Compare that to the silly scene of the restaurant that serves broken glass for the patrons to eat.  It’s painfully obvious it’s fake from the start and goes on much too long.  The sequence about a Nazi sex play almost seems like a warm-up for Frost’s Love Camp 7 too. 

The prolonged scene set in LA works best.  It mixes in everything from male hustling to the obscenely overpriced art scene to Vietnam protests.  It’s then ironic that for a Mondo movie about oddities across the globe, the filmmakers find their most interesting subjects in their own backyard. 

Like any Mondo movie, it’s bound to be uneven.  There are some queasy moments (like when the guy jabs a needle through his cheek and forearm) and scenes that feel more like padding than anything.  (The extended preparations for the Lebanese “slave auction” eat up precious screen time near the end of the film.)  However, while the overall quality of the individual segments varies, the film itself is consistently entertaining throughout.  If you’re a Mondo movie fan, you’re sure to enjoy this one. 

SURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987) ***

Very few movies with amazing titles can actually live up to their promise.  Even certified classics like The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies somehow fall short.  Troma’s entire brand seems to be built around impossibly cool sounding movies that never match the title’s hype.  In fact, Troma seems to spend more time coming up with a title than they do making the film.  Because of that, it’s a small miracle that Surf Nazis Must Die manages to be a minor classic. 

After a major earthquake in California, surf punks now rule the beaches.  The Surf Nazis led by (who else?) Adolf (Barry Brennan) takes control of the gangs and terrorize tourists.  When Adolf kills a jogger named Leroy (Robert Harden), his Mama (Gail Neely) goes out for justice. 

Surf Nazis Must Die has a unique and strange vibe.  The tone may be out of whack, but that just means you’re never quite sure what’s going to happen next.  Director and co-writer Peter George wisely makes the Nazis a legitimate threat, and while they are outrageous and colorful, they are still extremely dangerous.  The scenes with them building their empire have a very artsy look.  Some scenes even have sort of a Michael Mann influenced feel to them. 

The scenes with Mama on the other hand are much more over the top and feel more like a typical Troma movie.  Neely is very good and is equally fun to watch as either as a pistol packing mama on a death wish or as a comedic foil.  Bobbie (Mausoleum) Bresee is also funny as the mom of one of the surf punks.  It’s also cool seeing Haunted Garage’s Dukey Flyswatter as Mengale, one of the slimy Surf Nazis.  Mr. Deadly Prey himself, Ted Prior, also pops up in a bit role as a surfer. 

The pacing is about as uneven as the tone.  Even though it’s only eighty-two minutes, it feels much longer.  However, whenever the film hits the sweet spot between arty action and down and dirty Troma flick, Surf Nazis Must Die is a hoot. 

THE HOUSE THAT BURNS AT NIGHT (1985) ***

Rene Cardona Jr.’s The House That Burns at Night is in the running for best opening credits sequence of all time.  Before we even get to see the title of the movie there have already been two stripteases.  If you think that’s awesome, get a load of this:  A junkie stripper (Sonia Infante) stabs a pimp in the groin before the screenwriters have been listed on screen.  And I’m not talking like a short stabbing scene that leaves everything to your imagination.  I mean like full on arterial spray of penis plasma gushing in slow motion.  But wait, there’s more.  Then two paramedics take turns banging her in the back of their speeding ambulance (complete with high five when they swap places).  The ambulance, it should be noted, drives right past a sign that says (I shit you not) “VAG TRANSPORT”! while an EMT is getting some OPP.  Now, I know this is a Spanish language film, so the pun may have been unintentional, but it was downright hysterical to me. 

What I’m getting at here is we are granted seven minutes of pure cinema right off the bat courtesy of Mexican movie maestro Rene Cardona Jr. 

Infante (who also produced this sucker) stars as Alazana, the stripper on the run who settles into a swanky South of the Border brothel to lay low.  Seeing an opportunity, she gets the decrepit madam Esperia (Carmen Montejo) hooked on dope and tries to steal the old bag’s boyfriend Eleazar (Salvador Pineda).  Alazana soon engages in a power struggle with the two lovers for control of the house of ill repute. 

There’s no shortage of female flesh on display here as we see the sex workers stripping, turning tricks, taking bubble baths, getting into water fights and being allergic to clothing in general.  The brothel set itself has a lot of personality as it is almost like a mash up of Wild West saloon, Chinese restaurant, and disco.  The Altmanesque way Cardona captures the action is reminiscent of a Tinto Brass movie as the camera kind of wanders around looking for people who are getting it on.  The film also has a surprising amount of queer content as there are several gay and trans sex workers who ply their trade in the brothel. 

While the film is consistently involving throughout, it really can’t live up to its epic first reel.  The love triangle plot line begins to spin its wheels by the time the third act rolls around.  Cardona does pepper some great bits of cinematic gymnastics (like when he intercuts Pineda blowing away a cop in slow motion a la Sam Peckinpah with shots of Infante entertaining a client) in with the scads of skin, which is more than enough to prevent doldrums from setting in.  The strangely existential ending is really something too. 

The reason to see this though is for Infante.  She’s plenty hot and has several great nude scenes as well.  Whenever she’s on screen, The House That Burns at Night sizzles. 

S.O.S. OPERATION BIKINI (1967) **

Julio Aleman stars as secret agent Alex Dinamo.  When we first see him, he’s fighting bad guys who are smuggling drugs inside of bananas!  He’s out to stop S.O.S., the “Secret Organizational Service”, a crime syndicate run by Madame Bristol (Sonia Furio) who uses her fashion empire as a front for her arms dealing operations.  She holds a bikini convention in a luxurious hotel and Dinamo decides to check it out.  When one of the bikini models is murdered, Dinamo sets out to bring Bristol down. 

Although Aleman is a bit weak in the lead, the ladies in the cast make this otherwise uneven spy caper watchable.  Furio is a solid villainess and even gets to sing a nightclub number in a skimpy evening gown.  (There’s another musical number by a rock combo, but it’s hard to hear the music from the horribly canned-in crowd noise.)  Sonia Infante is also quite the looker as Dinamo’s sexy girlfriend.  We also have Batwoman herself, Maura Monti and Isla (Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia) Vega in the mix as S.O.S. agents. 

Like most ‘60s spy flicks, there are plenty of gadgets to go around.  There’s a lighter that’s also a camera and cigarette cases, books, cameras, pens, and even high heels that double as guns.  Despite that, Dinamo still takes to pressing an old-fashioned stethoscope against a wall to listen to the bad guys in one scene.  The fight scenes aren’t bad either as they are full of Judo tosses and karate chops.  The highlight is the karate catfight between Monti and Infante. 

All the ingredients are there (including a swinging ‘60s score) and the film has a sense of humor, which is appreciated, but for whatever reason, director Rene Cardona, Jr. isn’t quite able to bring all the elements together.  The biggest issue with S.O.S. Operation Bikini is the fact that too much of the movie revolves around Dinamo hanging around the resort.  Even the weakest spy pictures can get by from showcasing exotic locales, but the film rarely ventures outside the hotel once the plot kicks in.  And when it does, most of the time the action still takes place on the grounds of the resort.  (There are a couple of rooftop chases.)  Cardona lets the camera linger on the one exploding car in the flick for so long that you have to wonder if that’s where the entire budget went.  We also get a From Russia with Love-inspired boat chase that serves as the finale.  Even this comes up a day late and a dollar (or I guess in this case, peso) short. 

Another sign of the measly budget:  In one scene I thought I saw a henchman lurking behind a lamp.  Turns out it was just a crew member!  Also, while there are a fair number of hot women in bikinis for our hero to ogle, there’s not as many as you might expect, given the title.  However, if you enjoy your espionage en Espanol, then you may dig it. 

Cardona and Aleman returned two years later with a sequel, Danger Girls. 

FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES (2025) ***

Final Destination:  Bloodlines is a solid entry in the durable horror franchise.  As far as sixth entries in horror franchises go, it’s pretty darn good.  As far as sixth entries that were made fourteen years after the fifth one, it’s a minor miracle that it’s any good at all. 

A college student named Stefani (Kaitlyn Santa Juana) is plagued by bad dreams involving her grandmother, who narrowly avoided death as a young woman.  After Nana croaks, her curse is passed down to the family and it doesn’t take long for her descendants to start buying the farm in disgusting ways.  It’s then up to Stefani to find a way to reverse the curse. 

If there is a problem with this one, it’s that it’s way too long and has too much plot.  (Okay, that’s two problems.)  The scenes of the dysfunctional family trying to protect one another just doesn’t have the same effect as the other movies which relied on friends and/or total strangers coming together to defeat “Death”.  If it’s one thing that we really don’t need in a Final Destination movie, it’s a plot.  And if it’s anything that we don’t need in one of these things is a running time that flirts with two hours.  Other than that, I liked it just fine. 

The important thing is that the kills are there.  We get at least three or four quality death scenes here, which is about the best you can hope for.  There’s a fun bit involving a lawn mower and another in which someone inadvertently winds up in a garbage truck.  The highlight is a hilarious sequence where someone meets a gruesome end inside an MRI machine.  The opening accident scene, set in the ‘50s atop a Space Needle-style restaurant, is a lot of fun too.  There’s even a callback to one of the series’ most iconic deaths, which I’m sure fans will enjoy. 

It was also good to see Tony Todd in one of his last film appearances.  He’s been a mainstay in the series, and the film was able to give him a nice little send-off.  Too bad the rest of the cast (aside from Richard Harmon as the foulmouthed tattoo artist) is bland and unmemorable. 

CARNIVAL IN RIO (1983) ***

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this hour-long special about Carnival that premiered on The Playboy Channel.  Now, back in 1983, you probably knew him as Mr. Universe, the guy from Pumping Iron, or as Conan.  This was a year before The Terminator, and he was just on the cusp of being the Arnold Schwarzenegger we all know.  That’s what makes this tape so fascinating.  This was made in a small sliver of time when Arnold (who was always conscious of his public image) would actually agree to appear in something like this.  I’m sure this tape was brought up more than a few times when he was running for governor. 

Anyway, Arnold heads down to Rio during Carnival to soak up the sights and sounds of the local customs and culture.  Mostly though, he just ogles, gropes, and kisses scantily clad and topless women, who look visibly nervous or downright uncomfortable.  He attends an ass-shaking samba competition (“My favorite body part!”) and winds up getting on stage and making a fool of himself.  The next morning, he takes in a capoeira martial arts demonstration before dressing in a native headdress and face paint for a Carnival costume ball where he dances (badly) and runs into Bond girl Ursula Andress.  The following day, Arnold works out on the beach before meeting up with a sexy blonde who gets a soft-focus topless sunbathing sequence alongside a brunette who frolics in the surf.  Then, it’s time for the big Carnival parade.  But enough of that crap.  Soon after, Arnold is cornering the poor brunette and forcing her to give him “language lessons”.  Predictably, he learns just enough so that he can sexually harass women in Portuguese.  The tape ends with Arnold taking the ladies (and one random dude) out for milkshakes before dancing with kids in the streets. 

There are enough picturesque landscapes, scenes of local color, and pseudo-informational tidbits for Carnival in Rio to function as a travelogue.  But let’s face it.  Even with the participation of Arnold, this was only made as an excuse to show some T & A. 

Overall, this is a fascinating time capsule.  Arnold fans will no doubt enjoy seeing a side of him you’re not generally used to seeing.  Some of his antics are truly jaw-dropping.  In short, this is a priceless artifact.  Don’t miss it.  

AKA:  Party in Rio.

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was fortunate enough to once again be a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast.  In this episode we dive into not only the Reb Brown classic, Space Mutiny, but also its iconic appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  You can check it out here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtvc-podcast-211-space-mutiny/id903755371?i=1000709212216

Or as Reb would say, “MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!”

BORDERLINE (2025) **

Paul (Ray Nicholson) is an obsessive fan of a pop singer named Sofia (Samara Weaving).  One night, he shows up on her doorstep and stabs her bodyguard (Eric Dane), which gets him thrown in the booby hatch.  Months later, he escapes and sneaks into her mansion where he intends to “marry” her.  Paul then takes Sofia’s entourage hostage and forces them to participate in their nutty nuptials. 

Weaving is one of those actresses I’ll watch in nearly anything and Nicholson has been steadily racking up memorable turns in the past couple years.  Even their combined talents can’t seem to breathe much life into this uneven misfire of a comedy thriller.  The script by first time director Jimmy Warden, who is in real life married to Weaving (and also wrote Cocaine Bear) is loosely based on a stalker Madonna had in the ‘90s, hence the title. (Jimmy Fails’ flamboyant basketball player character is an obvious stand-in for Dennis Rodman, who Madonna briefly dated.) 

It might’ve worked had Warden found a consistent tone.  There are some random bits of goofiness that are entertaining (like the cop who spends his stakeout practicing for a song and dance audition), but for the most part, the humor feels strained or worse, falls flat.  Also, the film often stalls when it turns its focus away from Weaving and her stalker.

For a movie directed by her husband, the star isn’t given much of a spotlight.  Weaving’s character is paper thin, and her deadpan reactions lack the spark of something like Ready or Not.  If anything, it’s more of a showcase for Nicholson, who once again delivers a fun performance and has a few amusing moments.  Dane is also quite good as Weaving’s loyal bodyguard. 

Borderline is one of those movies that’s better in theory than execution.  The fact that everyone treats Nicholson with empathy, even though he’s potentially violent, is intriguing, but it sort of hamstrings the potential suspense.  Nicholson’s commitment to the part is admirable, but the script doesn’t give him much to work with.  The movie also peters out way before the wedding finale, which like the film itself, has a much better set-up than payoff. 

The Flaming Lips’ cover of the title track is very good though.