SKYSCRAPER (2018) ***

The Rock stars in what is essentially Die Hard Meets the Towering Inferno.  He plays a security advisor for a state-of-the-art skyscraper in Hong Kong.  Criminals storm the building looking to extort the billionaire owner and set it ablaze.  Adding to the peril is the fact that The Rock’s wife (Neve Campbell) and two kids are trapped in the building.  It’s then up to The Rock to save them and stop the bad guys. 

Written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber (who also helmed Central Intelligence, which starred The Rock), Skyscraper is a lean and mean meat and potatoes action flick that gets the job done.  It knows exactly what it is and doesn’t try to overstep its bounds.  Thurber delivers the goods in the action department and the scenes of The People’s Champion hanging hundreds of stories in the air from his fingertips really work.  The most amusing sequence comes when he uses duct tape on his hands to climb outside the building like Spider-Man.  The finale set in a high-tech hall of mirrors is cheesy too, but it’s still fun. 

To his credit, The Rock’s earnestness goes a long way.  He tones down his macho persona a bit for this one as he plays a humble family man.  Making the role unique is the fact that he plays an amputee.  The scenes where he puts on his prosthetic leg try their best to pull at your heartstrings.  That might’ve felt genuine had The Rock not conveniently forgotten about his handicap as he runs full sprints throughout his action sequences.  (He only seems to limp during his dialogue scenes.)  At least Thurber resisted the temptation to have The Rock say he’s a “One-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. 

Campbell is good too.  Unlike most of these things, she isn’t just your standard issue wife in jeopardy.  She’s a combat surgeon, so she can handle herself better than most of the wives you see in a Die Hard rip-off. 

As far as rainy-day action movies go, Skyscraper towers above the rest. 

Thurber and The Rock once again teamed up for Red Notice. 

PORNDEMIC (2018) ***

In 1998, porn’s popularity was reaching a zenith that rivaled its Golden Era.  The money was good, the sex was plentiful, and the industry itself was taken (more or less) seriously in the mainstream.  Then, an HIV outbreak rocked the porn industry.  (One interviewee calls the panic, “The Cuban Missile Crisis of the porn industry”!)  This resulted in stricter testing guidelines implemented by former porn star turned industry blood test czar, Sharon Mitchell.  Mitchell then had to backtrack all the infected performers’ previous partners to find the “Patient Zero”. 

Among those infected were Tricia Deveraux, who was one of my favorite porn stars of the ‘90s (and yes, I recognized a clip of her from Gangbang Girl 17 instantly), Brooke Ashley, Kimberly Jade, and Caroline.  Only Tricia is interviewed, which is a tad disappointing as it would’ve been interesting to hear from the other women.  However, her story has plenty of heartbreak to go around.  Even grimmer is the fact that we are shown clips from the films in which the actresses were actually infected.  These moments almost have a ghoulish snuff film quality to them.  Other porn stars such as Tom Byron, Ginger Lynn, Mr. Marcus, Herschel Savage, and Ron Jeremy are also interviewed and give their insights on the situation. 

If you watched a lot of porn in the ‘90s, the file footage of award shows, TV appearances, and home movies of the porn starlets at work and at play will be like a trip down memory lane.  It was fun seeing stars like Anna Malle, Jasmin St. Claire, Chloe, and Alisha Klass in their heyday.  I just wish it was under better circumstances. 

If you’re familiar at all with the story, you know Marc Wallice was the “Patient Zero”.  The more you hear about him and the more he speaks on camera, the more odious he becomes.  It’s one thing to duck being tested.  It’s a completely different thing when we learn he actually falsified his HIV tests, which knowingly put other performers at risk.  The filmmakers do offer evidence that suggests he may not have actually known his status, but his total lack of remorse seems pretty damning. 

Pordemic is a rather cut and dry account of the events.  It probably could’ve dug a little bit deeper, but it still keeps you invested throughout.  The use of non-sex porn clips that mirror the narrative is amusing too and help lighten the mood a bit.  (The music is terrible though.)

JAMES DEAN (1976) **

James Dean is a lukewarm TV Movie of the Week biopic directed by Robert (Now You See Him, Now You Don’t) Butler.  The tip-off that this is going to be disappointing is when you see the opening credits.  It’s here you’ll notice Stephen McHattie, the guy who plays James Dean, the man who is the title of the movie, has the “and” billing.  It was written and produced by William Bast, who was Dean’s friend (and lover).  Michael Brandon, who plays Bast, receives top billing, which kind of lets you know what you’re in for.

Bast strikes up a friendship with Dean at school and despite not having much in common, become close.  He tags along with him from LA to New York and back to LA again.  Along the way, Dean tries to get him to open up and embrace life, but Bast just never can seem to do it. 

Because it’s from Bast’s point of view, the film resists the temptation to paint Dean as a saint.  (We see him smack his girlfriend at one point.)  However, it does break form every now and then to show us Dean biographical highlights that Bast was never there to witness (like Dean auditioning for the Actors Studio or revving his motorcycle at Pier Angeli’s wedding).  Bast’s narration is often intrusive to the narrative and is redundant more often than not.  The black and white silent movie style sequences are pretty annoying too. 

The frank talk between the two about their sexuality must’ve been shocking for a network movie in the mid ‘70s.  While it wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow nowadays, it’s enough to suggest there was more between Dean and Bast than what the censors would allow to be shown. Moments like this prevent the film from being completely forgettable, but it’s still far too clunky overall to really work. 

McHattie kinda looks like Dean if you squint hard, but he does affect his mannerisms well enough to get by.  For a movie from Bast’s point of view, it’s odd that Bast himself never feels like a real character but more of an observer watching Dean’s star rise and fall.  The actresses in the supporting cast who play Dean’s girlfriends (Brooke Adams, Candy Clark, and Meg Foster) are good, although none of them really stick around long enough to be real characters.  It was also nice seeing Amy Irving popping up in a bit as an obsessive fan. 

AKA:  James Dean:  The Movie.  AKA:  James Dean:  The Legend.  AKA:  The Legend.  AKA:  James Dean:  A Legend in His Own Time.  AKA:  A Legend in His Own Time.

THE JAMES DEAN STORY (1957) **

Robert Altman got his first feature directing gig co-directing this documentary about James Dean.  We begin with his upbringing in Indiana as the narrator interviews Dean’s friends and family.  Then we move on to college in California where he discovers his love of acting.  Dean then takes off to New York where he briefly studies at the Actors Studio before heading back to Hollywood.  He soon skyrockets to stardom with roles in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause, but his career comes to a tragic end when he dies in an automobile accident. 

The documentary purports to use a new technique called “Photo Motion” that supposedly incorporates still photographs in with the narrative.  From the first scene, it’s obvious that this so-called “technique” is nothing more than slow zoom-ins and outs on old pictures.  That’s just the first of many disappointments you’ll find throughout the movie. 

The James Dean Story stops short of being a Mondo style documentary.  The scenes recreating Dean’s romance with Pier Angeli (who isn’t named, but it’s pretty obvious who it’s supposed to be) look as though they are heading in that direction, but it just winds up being more like filler than anything.  (The recreation of his crash is brief and there are only two photos of the wreck.)  Had the film given us something in even mildly bad taste, it would’ve been, at the very least, memorable.  (It’s no Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield; I’ll tell you that.)

Honestly, there’s nothing here that’s all that enlightening or revealing.  The interview segments with the people that supposedly knew Dean don’t really offer very much insight into his character.  (One guy goes through Dean’s mail.  Big whoop.)  If anything, this just crystalizes what an elusive figure he was.  If you saw this at the time of its original release, you may have been satisfied with a glossed over trip down memory lane.  Sadly, the movie only skims the surface of his life and never fully explores what made Dean tick. 

Co-director George W. George was the son of Rube Goldberg. 

CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS (1993) ****

I wanted to watch something to honor one of my favorite actors, the late Wings Hauser.  Wings was an actor as idiosyncratic as they come.  His performance as Ramrod in Vice Squad is one of the all-time greats, and I wanted to acknowledge his passing by reviewing a film of his I had never seen before.  

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into with Champagne and Bullets as I had seen the immortal “Shimmy Slide” music number before.  (Yes, there is a music number.)  Boy, I wasn’t expecting THIS. 

Words don’t really do this movie justice.  You have to see it to believe it.  The best description I can think of is it’s The Room if it was a low budget ‘90s action movie.  Like The Room, it was the brainchild of a non-actor who somehow got enough money together to make his own movie.  In this case it was lawyer John de Hart.  He was also somehow able to get Wings to play his best friend and William Smith to play the bad guy. 

As a Wings tribute, I got my money’s worth as he gives a fun performance.  Wings probably sensed de Hart and co-director John Paradise’s lack of experience, which afforded him the opportunity to go gleefully over the top in ways only Wings could.  If this was a “normal” movie, his performance would’ve been the highlight.  Since there is nothing normal about Champagne and Bullets, Hauser’s antics are more like window dressing. 

Like Tommy Wiseau, de Hart was somehow able to convince a really hot chick (in this case, Playboy Playmate Pamela Bryant) to have gratuitously long and extremely uncomfortable sex scenes with him.  The pinnacle of the looney love scenes comes when de Hart is about to have sex with her and hands his champagne glass to a visible crew member who takes it out of frame.  You won’t believe it. 

I guess I should talk about the plot.  De Hart and Hauser are former cops who get thrown off the force when their colleague Smith plants dope on them.  De Hart’s girlfriend (Bryant) has freshly escaped from a Satanist cult that just so happens to be headed by Smith.  When Smith kills his true love, de Hart goes out for revenge. 

The high point is the musical number performed by de Hart.  “Shimmy Slide” is a verified bop and a definite ear worm.  De Hart’s musical abilities (or lack thereof) are hysterical, and his choreography (or lack thereof) will have you in stitches.  He sings several other songs on the soundtrack, most of which are ballads that play during the hilariously over top love scenes that are beyond cringe worthy.  (This might be the first movie that contains a lover’s montage that is just one static shot.)

Yes, it’s terrible, but I fucking loved every minute of it. 

The WTFness of this movie transcends mere words like “good” or “bad”.  It exists in a Zen world that could’ve only sprung from the imagination of John de Hart.  The Zen attitude can be summed up by one dialogue exchange when Wings is in the hospital and holds up a glass of water. 

Wings:  “Is this glass half empty or half full?” 

De Hart:  “It looks dirty to me.” 

AKA:  Road to Revenge.  AKA:  Geteven.

HEART EYES (2025) ***

For the past couple of years, the “Heart Eyes” killer has been stalking couples on Valentine’s Day.  Olivia Holt has a Meet-Cute with Mason Gooding at the coffee shop, and wouldn’t you know it?  He turns out to be her new co-worker!  They decide to go out to dinner to talk over their new advertising campaign and are attacked by the Heart Eyes killer, who mistakes them for a couple.  They then have to survive the night while getting to know one another along the way.

Directed by Josh (Werewolves Within) Ruben, Heart Eyes gets a big boost, courtesy of its likable cast.  Holt and Gooding have a lot of chemistry together and are especially good while being indignant that the killer is coming after them since they aren’t even romantically attached.  Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster are also amusing as the wisecracking cops on the case. 

Ruben kicks things off with a fun stalk and slash scene at a winery.  Along the way, he also gives us an entertaining chase on a merry go round where the killer chops off carousel horses’ heads left and right.  There’s also a fun scene where the killer wreaks havoc at a drive-in. 

It also helps that the film has a biting sense of humor as well as a few hearty laughs.  The gore is pretty strong too.  We get a machete in the eye, an arrow to the head, a knife to the skull, head squishing, impalement, a machete to the groin, a double mouth stabbing, and a pretty grisly beheading. 

The killer himself is a rather cool creation.  He kind of looks like David Cronenberg from Nightbreed… except… you know… with heart eyes.  Those eyes also have the ability to glow red so the killer can hunt his prey in the dark with built-in infrared goggles. 

Like many of these things, it goes on about fifteen minutes too long and has one too many false endings.  That’s not nearly enough to take away from the fun.  Heart Eyes is unique in that it balances rom-com cliches with gory slasher tropes in clever and funny ways.  Because of that, it’s hard not to love it. 

THE EXORCISM (2024) ***

The “meta” approach can go wrong in so many ways, especially in the horror genre.  Sometimes it can be overly cutesy and clever, which ruins the scares.  Other times, it can just be an unnecessary gimmick that gets in the way of the suspense.  Fortunately for The Exorcism, it enhances the overall experience. 

The Exorcism was written and directed by Joshua John Miller, the son of Jason Miller, who famously played Father Karras in The Exorcist.  It stars Russell Crowe as an actor named Anthony Miller who is starring in a remake of The Exorcist (which is coyly called “The Georgetown Project).  Miller is fresh out of rehab and needs a hit.  After filming commences, he soon starts exhibiting odd behavior which leads everyone, including his daughter (Ryan Simpkins) to suspect he’s fallen off the wagon.  The truth is, he’s actually been possessed by a demon. 

There are various levels of the meta storytelling here.  Yes, this kind of “reel” vs. “real” thing isn’t exactly new.  Yes, we know Crowe will be battling not only personal demons, but real ones as well.  Your tolerance for this sort of thing will depend on your mileage.  Film scholars will undoubtedly be looking for nuggets of truth here about the making of the real Exorcist, especially since Miller is so close to the material.  However, he wisely keeps the nods to the original to a minimum and keeps the focus on the drama with Crowe.  He also delivers a couple of finely tuned jump scares and gives the film plenty of atmosphere.  The exorcism finale has a surprising amount of kick to it too. 

The fact that Crowe just starred in The Pope’s Exorcist the year before sort of adds to the meta nature, even though this was filmed before.  He is very good in both his "down and out" actor mode as well as in his possessed form.  Adam Goldberg is amusing doing a watered down Friedkin and Sam Worthington turns up for a bit as Crowe’s younger co-star.  It’s David Hyde Pierce who steals the show as a world-weary priest serving as a technical advisor on the movie who must step up and perform the titular rite.  It was also cool seeing Miller’s Near Dark co-star Adrian Pasdar popping up as well. 

AKA:  The Georgetown Project.

ULTRAMAN: RISING (2024) ****

Ken Sato is a beloved baseball player gearing up for opening day with a new team.  Little does anyone know his alter ego Ultraman protects the city from giant monsters.  Ken finds a monster egg that hatches and the cute baby monster imprints on him.  Ken soon finds it difficult to play baseball, fight monsters, and raise an infant lizard creature.  Trouble brews when the KDF, the agency created to destroy monsters, comes looking for the baby.  It’s then up to Ken to protect his new family unit. 

I didn’t care for any of the Godzilla animated movies from Netflix, so I was wary about this newfangled CGI cartoon reboot of the iconic Ultraman TV show.  It took about a minute for the chip to fall off my shoulder as it immediately endears itself to the audience with tons of humor and unexpected heart.  The big reason is that the monster baby is just damned adorable that only the hardest of hearts could deny it. 

Besides, how many movies do you know of contain a montage of its hero going back and forth from playing baseball to battling as a superhero to parenting a monster baby while The Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant” plays on the soundtrack?  I mean we have baseball, kaiju, and punk rock all together in one place.  How can you not love it?

Another factor that makes the film much more than a kids cartoon is that the villain is multifaceted and three-dimensional.  He has his own reasons for wanting to wipe monsters off the face of the Earth.  Because of that, you can totally empathize with him, even if you don’t agree with his methods. 

Okay, I know I’ve used words like “unexpected heart” and “multifaceted and three-dimensional” to describe this so far.  I know what you’re thinking.  How are the monster battles?  While I do miss the rubber suit monster mashing of the show, the CGI monster fights still kick a lot of ass.  The finale where the Ultramen and monsters team up to battle a giant lightsaber wielding Transformer is a real winner. 

All in all, Ultraman:  Rising is one of the best animated films I’ve seen in a long time.  Not only that, but it’s also one of the best incarnations of the character.  It also happens to be one of the best movies of the year. 

WRONG TURN (2021) * ½

A group of hipster hikers get lost in the wilds of Appalachia.  They run afoul of some hunters in the woods wearing animal pelts and skull masks who trap them and take them back to their secret community where they’ve been hiding out for hundreds of years.  Matthew Modine is the concerned father of one of the hikers who goes looking for them. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking after you just read that:  What the fuck does this have to do with Wrong Turn?  Who the fuck are these culturally appropriating bozos in animal skins?  Where are all the inbred redneck cannibals?  I mean, this was even written by Alan B. McElroy, the same screenwriter who wrote the original Wrong Turn.  Did he forget what movie he was remaking? 

I guess the filmmakers were more concerned with “unmaking” Wrong Turn instead of remaking it.  However, if you take everything (aside from the wilderness setting) that made Wrong Turn Wrong Turn, you aren’t left with a whole lot.  In fact, the hikers don’t even make a wrong turn!  They just veer off the designated path (of course, everyone in town told them not to) thinking their shit don’t stink. 

The thing that most likely happened was that McElroy found an old script lying around and tried to sell it.  When nobody bought the thing, he slapped Wrong Turn on it, called it a remake, and Hollywood purchased the sucker sight unseen.  Either way, it’s easily the worst thing with the Wrong Turn name attached to it.  (There is a brief mention of “inbred cannibals” near the end, but it’s more of an “F U” to fans of the series.)

The cast is mostly weak.  The only bright spot is Modine who lends a sense of gravitas to the scenes where he’s searching for his daughter.  Too bad just about all the young cast members are grating. 

The gore is rather skimpy as most of the kills come courtesy of people’s brains being bashed in.  We also get a broken pinkie, impalement, a knife to the face, and some bloody booby traps.  The only part that has any sort of memorable kick to it is the scene where the heroine offers herself up as breeding stock to the community to save her own skin.  To add insult to injury, it clocks in at an unmerciful one-hundred-and-ten minutes.  Even at ninety minutes, it would’ve been rough going, but at one hundred and ten, it’s absolutely brutal.  (The fake-out ending is especially egregious.)

In short, there’s very little right about this Wrong Turn. 

AKA:  The Foundation.  AKA:  Wrong Turn:  The Foundation.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE WAR OF THE ROHIRRIM (2024) **

I’m a casual Lord of the Rings fan.  I read the books in middle school.  I dug the Peter Jackson movies.  I like the Hobbit trilogy more than most.  I haven’t seen a lick of the new TV show though.  One thing I could never stand was the old animated flick.  My dad sometimes would rent it for me back in the day (I think to prevent me from renting anything other than Tron), but I never really took to it.  Now, here we are with a Jackson produced animated Rings spin-off that takes place generations before The Hobbit.  I’m not sure why this exists or who asked for it (it was a huge flop), although I suspect that only the most die-hard Rings fans will enjoy it. 

Freca (the voice of Shaun Dooley) seeks an audience with King Helm (Brian Cox) because he wants his son Wulf (Luca Pasqualino) to marry the King’s headstrong daughter Hera (Gaia Wise).  The King will not hear of it, and so Freca challenges him to a fight.  When the King accidentally kills Freca during the brawl, Wulf vows revenge and spends months assembling an army.  His daring attack overcomes Helm’s soldiers, forcing his people to retreat to a stronghold.  After Helm’s demise, it then falls to Hera to end the war once and for all. 

I’m not much of an anime guy, but I have to admit the animation is very good.  Many of the backgrounds look photorealistic, while the humans all look like your traditional anime wizards and warriors deal.  That said, the animation alone isn’t enough to overcome the weak plotting.  The narrative is slight and the “girls can be warriors too, ya know” theme is obvious and thin.  The battle scenes are ho-hum too.  I did like the scene where an elephant was eaten by a swamp octopus though. 

It’s easy to see why this was not a hit.  While there are a couple of breadcrumbs that will eventually lead into Jackson’s movies (and at least one surprise cameo), for the most part, it’s a standalone adventure.  The problem is that none of the new characters are remotely as memorable or as endearing as the ones found in the live-action films.  The Lord of the Rings:  The War of the Rohirrim probably would’ve been a fine DTV deal like those animated DC movies.  It played okay enough at home I guess, but it might’ve been hard to justify paying $15 to see it on the big screen. 

THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023) ***

Russell Crowe stars as an espresso-sipping, scooter-riding exorcist who answers only to the Pope (Franco fucking Nero!) himself.  An American widow (Alex Essoe) moves to Spain with her children to renovate an old church.  Before long, her son becomes possessed and it’s up to Crowe to save his soul.  However, during the exorcism, he uncovers a centuries long cover-up by the Vatican, which explains why the demon isn’t so easy to banish. 

Directed by Julius (Samaritan) Avery, The Pope’s Exorcist is a surprisingly fun and entertaining ride filled with lots of laughs and some rather wild moments.  It kicks off with a solid exorcism sequence where Crowe transfers the soul of a demon into a pig, and it doesn’t look back.  It hits all the hallmarks of the exorcism subgenre and gives you everything you’d want to see from this sort of thing, including a couple of new twists.  The possession scenes feature all the old standbys such as neck twisting, writing appearing as cuts on the possessed boy’s body, and spider-walking.  New additions include the kid puking up a bird and a great moment when the kid flips out on his mom for not breastfeeding him!  Also, in this one the demon voice sounds less like Mercedes McCambridge and more like the Master Control Program from Tron. 

Honestly, The Pope’s Exorcist probably could’ve gone either way, but Russell Crowe keeps the film on track with his amusing performance.  While he stops short of hamming it up, he certainly looks as if he’s relishing the opportunity of taking the reins of a down and dirty B-flick.  He adds dollops of humorous touches to character, which endear him to the audience.  However, when it comes time to confront the demon, he’s all business. 

It maybe runs a tad too long and the conspiratorial aspects of the plot kind of drag things down.  Fortunately, none of that gets in the way of the Friedkin-inspired hokum.  Let’s face it, any movie that has Russell Crowe as a priest on a scooter and Franco Nero as the Pope is more or less must-see entertainment in my book. 

TOMB RAIDER (2018) ** ½

Alicia Vikander stars as Lara Croft in this mildly entertaining reboot of the video game franchise.  Her dead father (Dominic West) leaves behind a puzzle box, which sends her on a wild goose chase to find a hidden island in the Pacific.  There, she finds an ancient tomb that’s hiding a secret that could bring about the end of the world. 

You know, the first action scene where Lara participates in a “fox hunt” bicycle chase didn’t exactly inspire confidence.  Fortunately, once she arrives on the island, the action improves greatly.  Director Roar Uthaug (now that’s a name for ya!) delivers a memorable sequence where Lara narrowly escapes going over a waterfall by hoisting herself aboard the rusty wreckage of a plane that immediately begins to crumble.  While much of the film is pedestrian, this exciting scene is worthy of an Indiana Jones movie.  The finale in the tomb feels like something out of an Indiana Jones flick as well, albeit in a more derivative manner.  (The scenes with Lara and her dad are reminiscent of The Last Crusade too.) 

Not only does the film get better once the action ramps up, it also gets a much needed shot in the arm when Walton Goggins finally appears as the villain.  He’s sort of the Belloq to Croft’s Indiana Jones.  His slimy character is far from his best work, but at least he gives Vikander a menacing figure to play off of. 

Speaking of which, Vikander is OK as Croft.  Since this is an origin story, she spends about half the movie being demure and homely.  Eventually, she becomes the globe-hopping adventurer we all recognize.  It just takes a while before the transformation is complete.  (She doesn’t even get her trademark guns until the final scene.) 

That said, she still can’t hold a candle to Angelina Jolie.  I mean Jolie’s Tomb Raider movies sucked, but at least she was smoking hot.  At any rate, say what you will about this Tomb Raider, at least it’s better than the Jolie films.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but hey, it’s something. 

HELLBOY: THE CROOKED MAN (2024) **

After digging the 2019 version of Hellboy, I figured I’d check out this new one, if only to be a completist.  The Crooked Man is a noticeably low budget affair and has no name stars (Jack Kesy replaces David Harbour as Hellboy this time around).  It was directed by Brian Taylor of Neveldine/Taylor fame though.  (The guys that made Crank.)

Hellboy roams around the backwoods of Appalachia looking for a giant spider when he runs afoul of some white trash witches.  He learns from one of the locals about a sinister figure known as “The Crooked Man” who haunts the woods that just may be the devil himself.  Before long, the titular figure sets out to drag everyone’s souls to Hell. 

Hellboy is starting to give The Fantastic Four a run for its money for the title of most unnecessarily rebooted comic book property.  This one takes place in the ‘50s, so it looks and feels removed from the previous versions’ timelines, which was a good idea.  However, because of its measly budget, it just can’t compete with the other iterations of the franchise. 

Hellboy comic creator Mike Mignola was apparently less than pleased with the other versions of his character, so he wrote the story, served as executive producer, and had more creative control over this adaptation.  Despite that, I fail to see what made this vision of the character preferable for him.  Maybe it’s hard to judge something that looks like a SyFy Channel Original when the others were all big budget studio movies.  

Overall, it’s kind of blah.  I mean I was sort of with it for a while.  Once it became another zombie flick late in the game, I started to mentally check out. 

Kesy makes for an OK Hellboy.  He captures the character’s world-weariness well enough.  Much of the problem has to do with the narrative itself, which makes him more of a bystander than a leading man.  Because of that, Kesy isn’t given much to work with. 

As ho-hum as much of Hellboy:  The Crooked Man is, I can’t deny the scene where a dead witch is revived when a baby raccoon crawls inside of her discarded skin.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that in a movie before.  Nor can I say I’ve seen a snake come out of a woman’s coochie, slither around her, and then enter her mouth.  It’s just a shame these admittedly effective, albeit brief moments, didn’t inhabit a better film. 

NOVOCAINE (2025) ****

Well, folks.  Jack Quaid just dropped another instant classic on us.  Earlier in the year, he starred in the incredible sexbot comedy-thriller, Companion.  Now he’s back two months later with Novocaine, an action-comedy that plays like a Nicecore version of Crank.  It has bigger laughs than most straight-up comedies and has better gore than your average horror flick. 

Like I said, instant classic. 

Quaid stars as a meek bank teller who has a rare medical condition that prevents him from feeling pain.  When his coworker (Amber Midthunder from Prey) asks him out on a date, he instantly falls head over heels for her.  The next day (Christmas Eve, no less), a trio of thieves rob the bank and take her hostage.  It’s then up to Jack to save her as he uses his inability to feel pain to gain the upper hand on the hardened violent criminals. 

The charm of the movie lies with just how refreshingly innocent and sheltered its hero is.  He’s just a likeable schmo who doesn’t eat solid food for fear of biting off his own tongue.  All that goes out the window when the gal of his dreams is kidnapped.  Much of the humor is courtesy of Quaid’s nice guy character being pummeled to a bloody pulp and yet, he keeps returning for seconds and thirds.  In fact, since he can’t feel pain, he often doesn’t even change expression and continues with his conversation as he’s being wailed on.  Some of his injuries are downright ghastly too, but often the worse the injury, the bigger the laugh. 

Among the highlights is the kitchen fight where Quaid unwittingly deep fries his hand.  There’s another great bit where he’s being tortured by one of the robbers and has to feign being hurt, even when his nails are being ripped out.  The scene that really endears him to the audience is when he fights a giant tattoo artist.  After he’s thrown through a glass case, he furiously punches the shards to make his knuckles into deadly weapons.  I mean when Van Damme fought with glass knuckles in Bloodspor,t he had to use gauze and glue.  Quaid just smooshes the glass right into his skin. 

Novocaine is a blast of adrenaline from start to finish.  It’s fresh and funny and has plenty of crowd-pleasing moments of action hilarity and gnarly body horror carnage.  If Companion didn’t make Quaid a star, I truly hope this does. 

AKA:  Mr. No Pain.

BLOOD BATH (1966) *** ½

An artist (William Campbell from Dementia 13) turns into a vampire at night and kills women.  His “Dead Red Nudes” are a sensation in the art world.  The only problem is in order to draw inspiration from his subjects, he needs to first draw their blood. 

Blood Bath is an eerie and atmospheric flick that deserves to be better known.  The opening sequence with the silhouetted figure of the vampire in a trench coat and top hat stalking a woman feels like a prototype for a giallo.  (It almost looks like it could’ve been directed by Mario Bava.)  Other sequences have a dreamlike quality to them, like the flashback of the artist painting in the desert or the underwater scene where he murders a woman in a swimming pool.  There are even a few genuinely unnerving moments like when Campbell’s dead cackling mistress appears in a painting or the chase on a merry go round.  The scenes in the art gallery are surprisingly funny too and the comedic bohemian artist types (including Sid Haig and Johnathan Haze) make this feel like a spiritual sequel to A Bucket of Blood.  It would also make a good double feature with Color Me Blood Red.  (Originally, it played on a double bill with Queen of Blood.) 

Directed by the one-two punch of genre filmmaking legends Jack Hill and Stephanie Rothman, Blood Bath really cooks.  It’s paced like lightning and the hour-long running time whizzes right by.  The ending is a little on the weak side, but that should in no way deter you from checking it out. 

Apparently, this is the third of four iterations of the film.  It began life as a thriller called Operation Titan, which also starred Campbell.  That flick was later re-edited and released as Portrait of Terror.  Producer Roger Corman then took about nine minutes of footage from it and hired Hill and Rothman to add scenes to it and turn it into Blood Bath.  (Hill did the beatnik stuff and Rothman worked on the vampire plot.)  Later, Corman added more footage so it could play on TV as Track of the Vampire.  The only other version I’ve seen is Portrait of Terror and this is a big step up in every way. 

AKA:  Operation Titan.  AKA:  Portrait of Terror.  AKA:  Track of the Vampire.

HELLBOY (2019) ***

I can kind of take or leave Hellboy.  I didn’t like Guillermo del Toro’s original, but I did enjoy the second one quite a bit.  This reboot from Neil (Doomsday) Marshall stars Stranger Things’ David Harbour as Hellboy, taking over the role from Ron Perlman.  Best of all, it has Milla Jovovich as the evil “Blood Queen”.  

I didn’t really have any expectations for this going in.  I will say, five minutes into the movie, and already King Arthur decapitated a witch and Hellboy fought in a Lucha Libre match with a literal bat man.  Fortunately, that kitchen sink vibe carried throughout the entire film.  It’s shit like this made me enjoy this iteration even more than del Toro’s films. 

Hellboy learns the apocalypse is coming, and since an ancient prophecy foretold he will be the one to bring it about, everyone wants to kill him.   Meanwhile, the Blood Queen, who was chopped up and had her body parts hidden across the globe, is slowly coming back together to wreak havoc on mankind.  The only thing that can stop her is the legendary sword, Excalibur.  The only problem is that if Hellboy uses it, he’ll make the prophecy come true. 

This Hellboy is a Hard R.  It’s gory as all get out, with plenty of blood, guts, tongues ripped out, and decapitated heads aplenty.  There are also pig men, pig babies, giants, a house that walks around on two feet, witches, zombies, a werecheetah, and a bunch of sick looking kaiju (including one that has a hand for a dick).  I admire Marshall’s “anything goes” approach, even if it sometimes yields uneven results.  Still, it all feels like a Neil Marshall movie, which is a good thing. 

It helps that Milla is smoking hot in this.  There’s even a scene where she has some Boxing Helena action going on where she’s just a torso and her limbs are strewn everywhere and I’m thinking to myself… WOULD.  

Harbour isn’t bad. He’s scruffy and grumpy and gets a few laughs, but I did miss the pathos Perlman brought to the role.  Ian McShane lends his usual sense of gravitas as Hellboy’s dad and Thomas Haden Church is also amusing in an extended cameo as Lobster Johnson. 

No one really took to this version (which is a shame), so they rebooted the property… again with Hellboy:  The Crooked Man five years later. 

THE JAMES DEAN COLLECTOR’S CLASSIC (1988) **

The James Dean Collector’s Classic is one of those documentaries you find in the bargain bin at Dollar General for a buck.  It covers everything about James Dean’s career, life, and tragic death.  It’s not great or anything, but I think I got my dollar’s worth out of it. 

It starts with his death and then works its way back to the beginning.  Dean leaves his home in the Midwest to come to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.  He then moves to New York where he joins the prestigious Actors Studio.  His talent is immediately evident, and it isn’t long before he becomes a movie star and legendary idol.  Sadly, he dies in a car accident and in the process becomes immortalized for his handful of film roles. 

The James Dean Collector’s Classic doesn’t really cover any new territory.  If you’re already familiar with Dean’s story, most of this will be an old hat.  The biography stuff isn’t bad, but the film is less successful when it’s relying on footage from his early roles in bit parts on TV shows (including Dean playing John the Baptist in a religious movie).  In fact, the whole thing grinds to a halt when they play an episode of Schlitz Playhouse starring Dean in its entirety.  I did think it was funny that they couldn’t afford to use footage from East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, or Giant but somehow Don Mclean’s “American Pie” is heard more than once.  (We do get to see his screen test for East of Eden and behind the scenes footage from Rebel Without a Cause though.)

There is a good cross section of interviewees, which helps make up for some of the documentary’s chintzier moments.  Carroll Baker, Dennis Hopper, Vampira (who hints at his bisexuality), Sammy Davis Jr., Nicholas Ray, and Natalie Wood all give revealing insight into the Dean they knew.  There are also some eerie moments like photos of Dean sleeping in a coffin and a PSA with him dressed as his character from Giant warning people about speeding on the highway.  These moments don’t exactly save the flick, but they do prevent it from being a run of the mill doc. 

AKA:  The James Dean Classic. 

FLIGHT RISK (2025) ***

Mel Gibson tries to return to Hollywood’s good graces with this surprisingly spry and entertaining thriller.  Tough U.S. marshal Madolyn (Michelle Dockery) is in the process of extraditing a witness (Topher Grace) from Alaska and together, they hop aboard a small plane flown by a talkative good old boy (Mark Wahlberg).  She eventually realizes their pilot is actually a hitman sent to make sure the witness doesn’t testify.  He tries to kill them both, but Madolyn is able to subdue him and tie him up.  That only leaves one question:  Who’s going to land the plane?

Flight Risk is reminiscent of the kind of thriller they used to churn out in the ‘90s on a regular basis.  (Most of which, like this one, had hints of the old ‘70s disaster movies.)  It more or less plays out in real time in one location, which adds to the suspense.  Sure, no one is going to mistake this for Braveheart or Apocalypto, but it’s nice seeing Mel flexing his muscles again behind the camera.  If he is indeed going to take the reins of the next Lethal Weapon movie, then this is a positive sign that he can juggle humor and action.  I mean we all know he can do Passion of the Christ.  It just takes a different skill set to make a three-chord popcorn thriller like this. I was actually surprised how funny the movie was given the fact the lifeless trailers portrayed it as such a dull and one-note kind of flick. 

Because of the film’s claustrophobic setting, it needs genuine tension and strong performances to carry it along.  Fortunately, it has both.  Grace has a couple funny moments, especially when he’s sniveling and trying to talk his way out of trouble.  Wahlberg looks like he’s having fun with his receding hairline and local yokel drawl.  He gets lots of laughs too, particularly when he’s taunting Grace.  Dockery makes for a strong, no-nonsense leading lady.  I’m not familiar with her work (she’s mostly known for Downton Abbey), but she equips herself nicely here. 

Wahlberg gets the best line when he says, “I made a Jackson Pollack in my pants!”

THE DAY THE EARTH BLEW UP: A LOONEY TUNES MOVIE (2025) ***

Not only is Daffy Duck my favorite Looney Tunes character, but Daffy Duck’s Quackbusters is my all-time favorite Looney Tunes movie.  Because of that, I was inclined to enjoy his latest adventure, which is a loving homage to old school horror and Sci-Fi movies.  Unlike previous feature length Looney Tunes films, this is comprised of all-new material and isn’t just a compilation of the old shorts.  While it’s not exactly a classic, it will be a treat for Porky Pig and Daffy Duck fans old and young alike. 

Porky and Daffy get a job in a bubble gum factory to earn enough money to save their farmhouse.  Daffy witnesses an alien lacing the latest batch of gum with a bunch of green goo, and of course, nobody believes him.  When people chew the gum, it turns them into mind-controlled zombies who help the alien take over the world.  It’s then up to Daffy, Porky, and Petunia Pig to save the Earth. 

There are a solid number of laughs here, which is what counts.  My favorite scene was the flashback that explains how Porky got his famous stutter.  The jokes kind of dry up as the plot begins to take hold in the third act, but the dynamic between Daffy and Porky is still strong enough to make it work.  Do I wish other characters like Bugs Bunny had at least a cameo?  Sure.  However, it was a lot of fun seeing the duo toplining their own movie for a change. 

Fans of horror and Sci-Fi are liable to get a kick out of it too.  There are moments that are reminiscent of The Blob, John Carpenter’s The Thing, Night of the Living Dead, Night of the Creeps, and even Armageddon.  I can see this becoming a gateway horror flick for many young viewers in the future.  I’m sure older viewers will dig it as much as I did.  

HUNDREDS OF BEAVERS (2024) **

Jean Kayak (Ryland Brickson Cole Tews) is a man whose apple cider business is destroyed by beavers.  Homeless and hungry, he tries in vain to hunt and eat assorted woodland critters (played by guys in furry suits) for survival.  Eventually, he hooks up with a seasoned trapper (Wes Tank) who shows him the ropes of trapping varmints.  One night, the trapper is killed by a wolf (another guy in a furry suit) who takes all their beaver pelts back to his cave.  It’s then up to our hapless hero to reclaim his furs. 

This black and white mix of animation, live action, puppetry, and people running around in basketball mascot costumes reminded me of something you would see late at night back in the day on Night Flight.  It sometimes feels like a mash up of a Looney Tunes cartoon, silent movie one-reelers, Cannibal!  The Musical, Monty Python, and a Commodore 64 video game… If it was made by a furry. 

A little of this goes a long way, but boy, there sure was a LOT of it.  I admire the style and the creativity that went into making the film, not to mention the overall weirdness of it all.  (The finale inside the beavers’ lair is especially well done.)  However, it is something of a chore to watch.  It might’ve worked had the movie took a page from its Looney Tunes inspiration and was broken up into ten-minute shorts.  (Or if it was… you know… laugh out loud funny.)  At a hundred and eight fucking minutes, it is a tough sit to say the least.  In fact, at one point, I was sure the movie was wrapping up, only to discover by hitting the “INFO” button on my remote that it wasn’t even halfway over. 

Fans of cinematic oddities may enjoy it (if you ever wanted to see a wolf mascot get killed by an icicle made of snot, then this is your movie), but everyone else will want to steer clear. 

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER PART 2 (1998) **

Making a DTV sequel to a stone-cold classic like Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer is a risky proposition.  Neil Giuntoli has the unenviable task of taking over for Michael Rooker as the titular serial killer.  Likewise, writer/director Chuck Parello has a tough act to follow, filling in for director Robert McNaughton (who did at least return to do the music).  While the results aren’t completely worthless, the whole enterprise just feels entirely unnecessary. 

The sequel finds serial killer Henry living in a homeless shelter and occasionally stepping out to claim a victim.  He gets a job moving port-a-potties and befriends co-worker Kai (Rich Komenich), who lets him crash with him and his wife Cricket (Grey’s Anatomy’s Kate Walsh in an early role).  Henry soon learns Kai is a professional arsonist and begins assisting him in his crimes.  Eventually, Henry begins teaching Kai the ropes of killing random strangers.  Henry also manages to befriend Kai’s mentally disturbed niece (Carri Levinson), an art student who draws morbid pictures. 

It would be unfair to compare Giuntoli to Rooker’s iconic portrayal from the first movie, but comparisons are inevitable.  Ultimately, it looks like he’s just trying so hard not to be frightening that it comes off forced and awkward, so he somehow winds up looking creepy, which doesn’t work at all.  Rooker was so effortless at being nonchalantly coldblooded but still fit in as a regular guy.  As soon as you see Giuntoli, you’re like WEIRDO ALERT!  Komenich hews a little too close to Tom Towles’ portrayal of Otis in the first film, which gives the characters’ dynamic a feeling of déjà vu.  On the flip side, Walsh and Levinson are pretty good, all things considered. 

As with the original, the murders are committed matter-of-factly.  However, they just lack the power of the first film (although there is a good decapitated head gag and a gnarly scene where Henry shoves a screwdriver up a dude's nose).  Despite dropping in one or two new elements into the mix (like the firebug plot line), in the end, it just feels like a pointless retread. 

AKA:  Henry 2:  Portrait of a Serial Killer.  AKA:  Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer 2:  Mask of Sanity.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE (2001) ***

Mulholland Drive began life as a television pilot.  When it didn’t get picked up, writer/director David Lynch retooled it for a feature length movie.  Because of that, it is often fragmented and disjointed.  You could tell he probably wanted to flesh things out more if it had gone to series.  However, some things might have worked better if it was spread over a season of television instead of crammed into a two-and-a-half-hour movie.  It sometimes feels like you’re working on a puzzle that has pieces from an entirely different puzzle that somehow wound up in box.  That’s part of the fun though. 

Betty (Naomi Watts) is a wide-eyed gal fresh off the bus who comes to Hollywood hoping to be a star.  She finds an amnesiac named Rita (Laura Elena Harring) in her apartment and tries to help her regain her memory and find out why she’s carrying a purse loaded with hundred-dollar bills.  Meanwhile, a young hotshot director (Justin Theroux) is enraged when shadowy guys in business suits start ordering arbitrary changes to his new film. 

Mulholland Drive has Lynch working with themes he’s dabbled in before.  This one is more successful than some (like Lost Highway) and not quite as good as others (like Blue Velvet).  However, like Lost Highway, the film kinda falls apart when the actors do a switcheroo on their parts.  (Or more accurately about the time when Watts and Harring go to Club Silencio.)  It’s like the movie begins to unravel right when the mystery does. 

Still, when Lynch finds the sweet spot between surreal neo-noir and waking dream, the results are often electric.  The stuff with Theroux as the stymied director dealing with hostile forces trying to sabotage his movie seems as though it was deeply personal for Lynch.  His scenes with “The Cowboy” are particularly memorable.

Watts is excellent as the naive gal who instantly finds mystery waiting for her in La-La Land.  You can tell she was destined to be a star from the very first scene.  Harring is great too as the sultry amnesiac, and her love scenes with Watts are quite eye-opening.  Theroux has many good scenes as well as the put-upon auteur, even if it feels like his story never gets resolved.  There are also memorable bits by Dan Hedaya, Rena Riffel, Chad Everett, James Karen, and even (gasp!) Billy Ray Cyrus. 

TULLY (2018) ***

After director Jason Reitman directed the hilarious Young Adult, he went on to make two box office duds in a row with Labor Day and Men, Women, and Children.  He then decided to get the band back together again and reunite with Young Adult's screenwriter Diablo Cody and star Charlize Theron for the charming and funny Tully. 

Theron stars as a put-upon mom with two bratty kids and another one on the way.  Sensing she’s overwhelmed, her brother (Mark Duplass) tries to set her up with a nanny as a shower gift, but she refuses.  Eventually, the baby arrives, and after a couple weeks of all-nighters with the kid, she realizes she needs help.  So, Tully (Mackenzie Davis) shows up and not only helps take care of the baby but also gets Theron’s mojo back.  She works so many wonders for Theron that it’s almost like she’s too good to be true. 

It’s amazing how much they mom up Theron in this and she still looks hot.  She’s equally good during the scenes where she’s struggling to get by as she is in the scenes where Tully has helped her find her center.  As the title character, Davis finds the right balance of Manic Pixie and Down to Earth Hippie.  She also has plenty of chemistry with Theron to boot.  The vastly underrated Ron Livingston is also great as Theron’s go-with-the-flow husband. 

Tully is a sweet and sincere film.  I was maybe taken a little aback by that since Cody’s movies are usually snarky.  I kept waiting for the cynicism to creep in, but it never really did.  Sure, there are some zingers here and there.  However, the emotions and relationships are all genuine.  Plus, it’s kind of nice having a movie about two women just kind of hanging out and shooting the shit. 

It’s all kind of low key and lightweight.  The twist ending probably wasn’t necessary, but it doesn’t really detract from the overall enjoyment.  (If I say what movie it rips off, it will spoil the surprise.)  If you ever spent a sleepless night with a crying baby, you probably wouldn’t mind a gal like Tully.  She’s chill, easy to talk to, and is a never-ending fount of useless trivia.  I dug having her around, even if it was for a short amount of time. 

Oh, and I didn’t really plan this, but after Tully and the anime porno Professor Pain, that makes two movies I watched in two days where painful lactation is a plot point. 

VENUS 5 (1994) ***

Animation can take us on flights of fancy in ways that live-action can’t.  It can show us such sights as naked girls chained to the wall and pleasured by lizard monsters, a dominatrix giving a cat (actually an alien disguised as a cat) a blow job, a monster gangbang (one has a dick shaped like the head of Giger’s Alien), candles up the ass, and a Roman emperor zombie shoving fruit into schoolgirl’s orifices.  It’s also not bad for more traditional shit like bondage, whipping, orgies, and… uh… tentacle porn. 

Venus 5 is basically an anime porn parody of Sailor Moon.  An exclusive boarding school holds a formal ball to welcome their new professors.  The professors are actually in league with an evil hermaphroditic empress named Necros who is the dean of the school.  Venus 5 are five high school girls with magical powers who are sent to stop them from resurrecting a demon (who’s also the dean’s father).  Together, they learn to harness their power and work as a team to overcome the evil villainess. 

Like Professor Pain, this was another anime porno I got from the thrift store.  Like that flick, it’s also two episodes of a series edited together.  This time, the episodes are forty-five minutes long each.   Because of that, it does drag a bit in places, especially in the second episode.  It also has more plot than was probably necessary for something like this.  While it is a riff on Sailor Moon, it does its thing fairly well too.  The nude transformation scenes are also fun. 

It helps that Necros is a strong villain.  In the beginning, we see her hanging out in a lair that was basically Stonehenge if Stonehenge was made with rock phalluses.  It’s a shame she never goes back there because I thought it was kind of funny. 

Some of the dialogue is really something too.  My favorite line was when the evil headmistress said, “I anoint your coffin with my love juices as an offering!”  Like I said, animation can take us on flights of fancy. 

AKA:  Venus Five.  AKA:  Sailor Soldier Venus Five.

PROFESSOR PAIN (1998) ***

I don’t usually find Japanese anime porn at the thrift store, but when I do, you bet your ass I pick that shit up.  The old lady behind the counter was mortified that something like this could have found its way onto the shelves.  In fact, at first, she acted like she wasn’t going to sell it to me, possibly on moral grounds.  Eventually, the allure of a crisp five-dollar bill made her change her tune.   Capitalism prevailed. 

Professor Pain begins with a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls trying to gang rape a nerdy student with a mop.  Maybe the old lady at the thrift store had a point.  Anyway, a demented professor threatens to blow up the school if the students don’t cave in to his demands.  He then proceeds to teach the students “lessons” to make them fall in line.  Such lessons include making a girl pee into a test tube, sticking needles into a student’s breasts and clit, and rope bondage.  Later, a female professor is sent in by the police to make sure the girls are okay, and the professor has his assistants tie her up and force her to lactate.  It all ends with a big orgy that the professor videotapes and puts online, in hopes of selling the girls into sexual slavery. 

I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to Japanese anime porn, but this was way more hardcore than I was expecting.  (I guess I’m used to the live-action stuff with the fogged nether regions.)  Not only are the sex organs drawn in graphic detail, but there are also even POV shots from inside a woman’s vagina!  It’s all really weird and shocking.  Since it takes a lot to shock me, I’d say that’s a good thing.  

It’s only an hour long (which helps), as it’s essentially two episodes of a TV show edited together.  I will say the first episode is much better as the second is far less kinky (the breast milk scene notwithstanding) and the flashback scenes that explain the professor’s motives sort of slow things down.  I don’t think it will exactly bring new members to the fold, but fans of S & M anime porn (you know who you are) will no doubt enjoy Professor Pain. 

AKA:  Sodom Academy.  AKA:  Professor Pain:  The Prisoners of the Campus.

THE PERILS OF PENELOPE (1994) ***

The Perils of Penelope is W.A.V.E. Productions’ loving tribute to the silent movie serials of old.  Silent movies and Shot on Video bondage flicks may seem like an odd pairing at first until you realize all those old shorts of women being tied to railroad tracks were basically the bondage films of their day.  In fact, the way director Gary Whitson updates the tropes is what makes the film so much fun.  For example, the silent movie cards are replaced by titles created by a video character generator.  The black and white photography is pretty good too and is a welcome change from so many grainy W.A.V.E. movies. 

Penelope (Michelle Caporaletti) finds her grandmother’s diary and relives her perilous tales of escaping her scheming suitor Craven (Sal Longo) who tries to tie her up to a deadly buzzsaw.  When that fails, he ties her to the railroad tracks, but she escapes that too.  Later, Craven’s sisters take revenge by capturing Penelope and hanging her above a vat of boiling oil.  Other perilous predicaments involve a booby-trapped gun, an electric chair, suffocation, and a dark dungeon.  Eventually, Penelope must escape the clutches of Craven himself. 

The melding of old serials and bondage videos is certainly inspired.  Fans of the former will enjoy the fake-out cliffhanger endings at the end of each chapter, and bondage enthusiasts will enjoy the long, lingering close-ups of our heroine’s feet.  (You won’t see that in those old Saturday matinee serials, that’s for sure.)  The sequence on the railroad tracks is a lot of fun too, even if the shots of the train coming down the tracks are obviously that of a model train. 

After the first act, the action switches over to the present and the film forgoes the silent movie schtick, but it still retains the cliffhanger gimmick which is fine.  I guess Whitson didn’t want to stray too far from the usual W.A.V.E. formula.  Although some of this can get a little repetitive, if you are a fan of old school cliffhanger serials and/or W.A.V.E. movies, The Perils of Penelope will probably leave you with a silly grin on your face. 

HUNG JURY (1994) **

A small time criminal murders a woman.  He’s found guilty by a jury of his peers and is sentenced to be hanged.  Just before he is executed, he vows revenge on everyone who sentenced him.  Thirty years later, a killer begins brutally murdering women.  Meanwhile, a group of strangers travels to an island for a murder mystery weekend.  As it turns out, they are the children of the jury who passed sentence on the killer, and someone soon takes to bumping them off one by one. 

Hung Jury features such W.A.V.E. stock situations as wet T-shirts, actresses clearly reading from their script, women suffering from a prolonged death in a swimming pool, women tied up and gagged, actors flubbing lines, and hot actresses with nasally South Jersey accents.  Even for fans of this sort of thing (me included), a little of this goes a long way.  The problem with Hung Jury is that it’s just way too long for its own good.  Even big budget movies have trouble sustaining a one-hundred-and-fourteen-minute running time.  It’s that much harder for a no-budget Shot on Video enterprise to hold the audience’s attention for that long.  

Often times it feels like an assembly cut where the editor took every scrap of footage they had and edited all together, but for some reason, they forgot to cut it down.  (In fact, it sometimes feels like two films that have been spliced together.)  Scenes run on too long, and many shots are held longer than necessary.  There’s no sense of pacing as scenes just aimlessly play out.  It doesn’t help that there are also way too many subplots, which further eats up screen time. 

The good news is the body count is huge and the killer disposes of his victims in a variety of different ways.  There’s stabbing, strangulation, death by bondage, electrocution, axing, speargun skewering, crucifixion, and (of course) hanging.  My favorite bit was when a bodybuilder was beaten to death with the severed arm of her lover. 

Some of our favorite W.A.V.E. starlets appear, albeit briefly.  Clancy McCauley is the first victim and Tina Krause shows up as a model.  (It’s fun seeing her modeling various outfits from other W.A.V.E. productions.)  Too bad the rest of the cast are kind of forgettable. 

This is also one of those chaste W.A.V.E. movies.  Several times it comes so close to showing nudity before backing down.  (You can see the towel covering an actress in one scene.)  It’s like having women bound and gagged, drowning, and being hacked up is fine, but God forbid you show a nipple or two.  (Unless they’re barely visible from underneath a wet T-shirt that is.) 

Had director Gary Whitson added in some skin, this might’ve skated by with ** ½.  Had editor Sal Longo whittled the running time down to the bare essentials, the jury may have handed down a favorable verdict.  As it is, I can only pronounce it guilty of running on way too long. 

THE ORACLE (1985) ***

An old medium mysteriously disappears without a trace.  A young woman named Jennifer (Caroline Capers Powers) moves into her apartment at Christmastime and finds her automatic writing planchette.  Before long, she’s receiving messages from beyond the grave from a ghost who wants her to avenge his death.  Meanwhile, a killer is stalking the streets of New York and preying on prostitutes. 

The Oracle was directed by Roberta Findlay, who had an interesting career.  She went from making roughies in the ‘60s with her husband Michael to hardcore movies in the ‘70s to horror and exploitation in the ‘80s.  If you dug this one, you should also check out Findlay’s Tenement and Blood Sisters, which were made around the same time. 

This would make a great horror flick to watch around the holidays.  There’s an effective scene where the killer cleans himself up after slaughtering a sex worker while an instrumental version of “Silent Night” plays on the soundtrack.  We also get a fun bit when our heroine is attacked during the New Year’s Eve countdown.  Findlay gives us some cool nighttime footage of 42nd Street in the ‘80s too. 

The… shall we say… “identity” of the killer is obvious from the get-go, and while it probably wouldn’t fly today, it feels right at home in a skeevy ‘80s horror flick.  Other oddball touches include the gnarly scene when the automatic writing board gives birth to creatures that look like a mutant version of those monster pencil toppers we used to have back in elementary school.  There’s plenty of blood and gore too, including a knife in the eye, decapitation, and face melting, which means it’s almost always entertaining. 

Powers is good as the hysterical woman haunted by spirits who dresses like a late 19th century candy store operator.  Roger Neil is especially memorable as her asshole husband who constantly belittles and condescends to her.  His beleaguered reactions to the supernatural shenanigans give the movie its biggest laughs.  Chris Maria De Koron is also amusing as the ill-fated Greek maintenance man. 

Apparently, Findlay wanted to use a Ouija board instead of the automatic writer, but Parker Brothers (who owned the copyright) wouldn’t let her!

DREAM SCENARIO (2023) ***

Nicolas Cage stars as a perfectly ordinary professor stuck in a rut.  His life changes drastically when for some mysterious reason he begins appearing in the dreams of perfect strangers.  As more and more people see him in their dreams, Cage becomes something of a minor celebrity.  Things take a turn for the worse for Cage when people’s dreams of him start turning into nightmares. 

Cage has been giving quirky and idiosyncratic performances for decades, so it’s nice when he finds a project just as quirky and idiosyncratic as he is.  He seems to be channeling the same energy he had in Adaptation for his sad sack loser character.  In fact, the whole thing kind of plays like Charlie Kaufman Lite.  The dream scenes are very well done as the little oddball details make most of the sequences feel like the real McCoy and not so much a movie version of a dream.  Cage also seems to be having a blast playing such a schlub, even if his character is a bit one-note (although that’s kind of the point).  He’s especially good in the later scenes when everyone (including his family) turns on him. 

The supporting cast is good too.  Julianne Nicholson makes for a fine contrast to Cage’s off-kilter energy as his bewildered wife.  I also enjoyed Tim Meadows as Cage’s boss as well as Michael Cera as his image consultant who tries to get him hired for Sprite commercials. 

Dream Scenario is at its best when Cage is dealing with his newfound fame since virtually everyone is dreaming of him.  The scenes of him being wooed by a woman (Dylan Gelula) who has explicit sexual dreams about him are particularly amusing.  The movie also plays with themes such as celebrity in the smartphone age, reality never meeting expectations, and cancel culture, although it stops short of making a big statement about any of them. 

It would’ve been nice if the film was a bit meatier and/or if Cage’s character had been more complex.  However, like dreams themselves, it’s odd and amusing.  And maybe a little forgettable. 

WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY II (2024) ** ½

After Pooh and his demented “friends” committed the “100 Acre Wood Massacre”, Christopher Robin (Scott Chambers) is blamed for the murders and becomes a pariah in the town.  Through therapy, Christopher eventually remembers his long-forgotten past with Pooh.  Meanwhile, hunters try to kill Pooh, Piglet, and Owl, forcing them into hiding.  Eventually, the animals say enough is enough and go on another rampage.

I thought the first Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey was bloody awful (no pun intended) and unbearable (pun intended).  This one is a bit more tolerable thanks to the gore.  I mean, if you’re going to make a slasher movie sequel using a beloved public domain character, you might as well deliver on the blood and guts.  I don’t know if I can quite go to bat for this one, but it almost singlehandedly skates by on gore.  Things kick off with Pooh and the gang terrorizing some women in a camper which includes a gnarly bit where Pooh breaks a gal’s arms and legs to immobilize her before shoving her face into a bear trap.  From there, we have exploding heads, a shotgun through the skull, face melting, an amputated arm down the throat, and a face full of knives.  The highlight comes when Pooh crashes a rave and decapitates, crushes, and generally eviscerates dozens of partygoers.  Somewhere, Herschell Gordon Lewis is smiling. 

The new additions include Owl, who talks (way too much) and Tigger (who unfortunately is mostly saved for the finale).  Changes to the lore, like the monsters being the result of a doctor performing Island of Dr. Moreau-style experiments, are kind of odd, but they make more sense than the first film did.  Speaking of which, there’s a meta aspect going on as Christopher has to deal with the bad publicity from a slasher movie that’s been made about his plight, which is called… you guessed it... Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey.  I wish more was done with the idea as it’s really only introduced to (I think) explain the lapses in continuity. 

It’s still pretty wonky though.  It also gets rather sluggish when the monsters aren’t on screen.  I could’ve done without the animated interludes too.  Still, it is much better than the original.  By the time Pooh took after Christopher Robin with a flaming chainsaw, I had to admit, I was sort of having fun. 

Overall, Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey II isn’t great, but it’s not a steaming pile of Pooh either.