JAMES BANDE VS. O.S.SEX 69 (1986) ***

The KGB gathers together their best agents to kidnap secret agent James Bande (Gabrielle Pontello).  It’s not very difficult to find him since he always seems to be lounging around and banging broads.  The enemy agents then call on the services of “Dr. Dildo” (Marilyn Jess) and her merry band of Amazon warriors to set a trap for Bande. 

This in-name only sequel to James Bande 00 Sex starts off with a pretty good DP scene.  In fact, there is a heavy concentration on three-ways and anal action, so if you’re into that sort of thing you’ll probably enjoy it.  There’s definitely no shortage of fuck scenes to go around that’s for sure, and what they lack in eroticism, they make up for it in sheer quantity.  Many of the hardcore scenes take place outdoors in broad daylight (including a couple scenes on a boat), which helps gives the film a larger scope than the claustrophobic original. 

James Bande vs. O.S.Sex 69 feels a lot more professional than the original in just about every way.  The sex scenes are shot much better (there are no crew members shadows on the wall in this one) and it actually feels like a spy spoof, especially when compared to the hastily strung together antics of the first film.  Also, the plot makes a bit more sense this time around (even if much of it comes in the form of voiceover narration), although honestly, there’s only about 10% plot here and 90% fuck scenes.  For some (most) folks, that will be enough of a recommendation. 

I just wish Jess had more to do.  She doesn’t show up till the movie’s almost over and she only partakes in a poolside orgy.  Never mind the fact that she plays a character named “Dr. Dildo” who never once used a dildo, which is a little disappointing.  Oh well.  At any rate, it’s a vast improvement on the first movie all around.  Fans of Jess will enjoy her appearance (however briefly) and the unending string of hardcore scenes is enough to prevent you from getting bored. 

AKA:  Peep-Sex.

FATEFUL FINDINGS (2014) ****

Did James Nguyen’s Birdemic leave you in stitches?  Did Tommy Wiseau’s The Room drive you into hysterics?  Then folks, Neil Breen’s Fateful Findings is for you!  I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at… well… anything. 

A true Renaissance man, Breen, who looks like a freeze-dried Bob Dylan, wrote, produced, directed, and stars in this sucker.  He plays an author who is now “hacking into government secrets” to expose corruption.  One day, he is hit by a car and instantly gets better.  His doctor also happens to be his long-lost childhood friend who, as a child, was there when he discovered a mystical cube hidden inside of a mushroom.  When she is kidnapped, Neil uses his mystical powers to get her back. 

Like The Room, our main character is always right about everything and there is little to no drama as the plot conveniently bends to his whims.  When he finds his childhood friend, he wants to be with her, but he’s already married to a hot foreign babe.  No problem, because almost immediately, she commits suicide and now he is free to court his long-lost love. 

Speaking of suicide, the ending has to be seen to be believed.  Remember the end of On Deadly Ground where Steven Seagal gave that big political speech?  He’s got nothing on Neil Breen.  When Breen holds a press conference and exposes all the crooked fat cats, they take the stage, immediately apologize for all wrongdoing, and promptly off themselves, some right on stage and no one does anything.  Heck, Breen keeps right on talking!  Incredible. 

Speaking of suicide (yes, I know this is the second paragraph in a row that I have started with that phrase, but it is a running theme throughout the film), nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for Breen’s reaction when he finds out his friend has committed suicide.  Be prepared to rewind and rewatch this part over and over again.  It's pure comedy gold.

This is a vanity protect through and through, but it’s so spectacularly inept it’s guaranteed to make your jaw drop every ten minutes.  Dialogue scenes start with lots of yelling, then somehow everyone is all happy, only to start yelling at each other again in the next scene.  People are shown talking on the phone to persons unknown about God knows what.  Breen also gives us a lot of gratuitous nude scenes of himself.  Thankfully, he spares us the sight of his Breenis.  (Or maybe his Oscar Mayer Breener?) 

The motif of Breen trashing laptops is downright perplexing.  He has no less than four of them in his office, and none of them are ever turned on.  Whenever he gets mad, he tosses them to the ground in anger.  Try to keep a running tab of how many times it happens.  (He also types like someone with acute nerve damage to his hands.)  Also, this flick has the most random closeups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

When you watch Fateful Findings, it becomes apparent Neil Breen, the writer couldn’t write a coherent scene if his life depended on it.  It’s obvious Neil Breen the actor, couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.  And it’s painfully clear that Neil Breen, the director had no idea what the fuck he was doing behind the camera.  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is one of the funniest bad movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. 

GHOST NURSING (1982) ***

Jackie (Suit Li) is a hooker from China who moves in with her sister in Thailand.  Before long, she gets Jackie a job turning tricks out of a nightclub.  After witnessing a murder, Jackie becomes convinced she is jinxed.  She consults a mystic who confirms she is cursed by misdeeds from a previous life.  The only way to break the curse is to “adopt” a baby ghost, which means bring home a fetus, put it on an altar, and pray to it daily. 

What do you know?  It works.  And soon, anyone who messes with Jackie has something dreadful happen to them.  However, when she finds true love, our heroine becomes so busy she forgets to leave offerings to her ghost baby.  Naturally, the supernatural tyke sets out to make her new man’s life a living Hell.  He soon turns to his friend, a professor of the occult for help, which only makes things worse. 

The scenes where the ghost protects Jackie from lecherous men are fun.  It makes one perv slip on a banana peel like a goddamn cartoon character.  Another dude pukes maggots.  Then, a gangster rapist gets killed by his own zombie henchmen.  Even with all this zaniness going on, the biggest laugh comes during a long nightclub scene where a lounge singer does a thoroughly mid version of Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All”. 

Ghost Nursing isn’t perfect by a long shot.  The scene with the mystic performing a ritual on a (real) dead monkey was a bit unnecessary.  There’s also way too much slow motion in the third act and it suffers from an abrupt ending too.  However, if you know what to expect from these anything-goes types of Chinese horror movies, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as I did.  The electronic heavy score is quite good too and sounds like Goblin in some places. 

Besides, Ghost Nursing features some shit I’ve never seen in a movie before, so for that, it gets a gold star.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see an exorcism performed on a fetus, then this is your movie.  If you’ve ever had a hankering to watch a crucifixion with a pair of flip flops, then move this to the front of your queue.  Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

MICKEY 17 (2025) *** ½

Robert Pattinson stars in the latest from director Bong Joon (Parasite) Ho.  It’s a wild and surprisingly touching Sci-Fi flick about an “expendable” named Mickey (Pattinson) who works for a big futuristic conglomerate.  They send him on various dangerous missions and as he dies, they collect data for scientific research purposes.  Once he’s dead, they just clone a new Mickey (the clone machine looks like a big inkjet printer, which is a nice touch) and send him out on his next mission. 

One of the major themes in Ho’s work has been class inequality.  With Mickey 17, he yet again provides some sharp commentary as Mickey is looked down on by nearly everyone who comes in contact with him.  There are also themes about immigration and a few completely unsubtle jabs at the MAGA crowd. 

Pattinson works overtime here, sometimes reaching Nicolas Cage levels of acting zaniness.  He adopts an accent that almost sounds like Steve Buscemi with a mouthful of Novocain, and his body language and mannerisms are about as far from the Twilight movies as you can get.  What’s terrific about his performance is that he endears himself to the audience right from the opening moments.  Once we understand his plight, we are with him through thick and thin as most of our empathy for Mickey comes from seeing him used as a human guinea pig. 

Mark Ruffalo gives another finely tweaked performance that ranks up there with his role in Poor Things in terms of brazen peculiarity.  He is sneakily becoming one of our go-to guys for oddball supporting roles.  Toni Collette is amusing as his wife, and Steve Yeun gets some laughs as Mickey’s former associate. 

The film does lose a bit of its zing when Mickey realizes he’s a “multiple” and there’s another one of him running around.  (The scene where his girlfriend tries to have a threesome with him notwithstanding.)  Ho also has a habit of being a little on the nose when it comes to the points he’s making, but I guess you can do that in a Sci-Fi satire and get away with it.

I have to hand it to Ho for taking a big swing after winning the Oscar for Parasite, a small, personal indie and going to the opposite end of the spectrum with a big budget Sci-Fi movie but still keeping those same kinds of ideals intact.  It’s the kind of crazy movie you can only make after you win an Oscar and Hollywood lets you do whatever the hell you want.  The film runs maybe twenty minutes too long and has one or two unnecessary subplots, but again, if you win an Oscar, you’re allowed to indulge yourself a little bit.  Since Mickey 17 was a big flop, I don’t know what Ho will do for an encore.  One thing’s for sure; I will definitely check it out. 

JAMES BANDE 00 SEX (1982) **

This French porno spoof of James Bond starts off with a dude getting a blow job while working out on a rowing machine.  The funny this is he doesn’t stop working out.  He keeps rowing back and forth while the chick bobs up and down on his knob.  That’s what I call dedication to your workout regimen.  I have to admit, I couldn’t get into this scene because I kept thinking he was going to accidentally smack her in the back of the head while she was going down on him. 

Even though I had the benefit of subtitles, I am still hard pressed to remember the plot.  There is a meeting between super spy James Bande (Guy Royer) with his “M” like female superior who gives him his mission, but most of the time is spent on them having a three-way with her secretary.  (The unnecessary fly-eye lens during the blow job scene kind of ruins the fun.)

In one scene where he does some actual spying, he just looks through a pair of binoculars on a couch and sees a couple doing it.  He doesn’t even look out the window or anything.  He just holds them up to his eyes and we assume he’s got Superman vision or something.  Even better is the fact that it looks like the couple he’s spying on is in the same room!

The humor is pretty lame, like when Bande scuba dives and comes up for air in a bathtub where interrupts a woman who’s masturbating.  Another humorous scene has a pair of sunbathing ladies having a poolside lesbian session in broad daylight until they accidentally roll down the hill in the interlocked 69 position. 

I guess I could abide a James Bond porno spoof that wasn’t funny and didn’t really satirize the series directly if the sex scenes were hot, but they aren’t very good either.  One potentially steamy scene where Bande and a buddy bang a bimbo is ruined by close-ups of their constant mugging while she is going down on them.  The scene with the lesbians who become horny while playing a board game and proceed to 69 starts with promise, although it ends much too quickly to be very satisfying. 

The only memorable scenes happen at the very end.  The first is when the villain uses a gun on a captive female as a marital aid and the other… uh… comes when Bande disarms a henchwoman by cumming in her face.  (Which is blue for some reason.)  Sadly, oddball moments like these are few and far between. 

If you’re watching this to get off, you’ll probably wind up with a case of Thunderballs. 

AKA:  Clemintine.  AKA:  Clemintine 006.

SWAMP THING (1982) ** ½

After the success of Superman, DC tried to kickstart another comic book franchise, with mixed results.  While Swamp Thing isn’t exactly bad, it’s kind of an odd duck.  Despite the pedigree of horror maestro Wes Craven behind the camera, and a who’s who of genre vets in supporting roles, it never quite gels. 

Doctor Holland (Ray Wise) is performing experiments in the swamp when the evil Arcane (Louis Jourdan) steals his work and sets his lab (and Holland) ablaze.  In the fire, Holland’s formula grafts onto his body and turns him into the rubbery looking Swamp Thing.  Arcane wants the formula for himself, so he sets a trap for him by using Holland’s associate Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) as bait. 

Craven tones down his usual horror instincts and takes an overly comic books approach, which is only occasionally successful.  The comic book transitions are a little too on the nose, as if to wink to the audience and say, “Hey guys!  It's just like a comic book!”  Even the straightforward attempts at horror wind up being a little goofy and don’t really land.  Conversely, the score by Harry Manfredini works overtime trying to sound like a horror film, which doesn’t quite match the action on screen.  (It often sounds like outtakes from his score to Friday the 13th.)

The Swamp Thing suit often looks phony baloney too.  You can see the seams, and the rubber bends and bulges when he walks around.  He looks much better from afar and he takes on a Bigfoot kind of mystique when he runs around the swamp in long shots.  Maybe if he had been kept in the shadows, it might’ve been a different story, but in brightly lit scenes, it looks like a monster from a ‘50s movie.  The final Arcane monster is particularly silly looking. 

That said, it still remains reasonably enjoyable, even if the film never lives up to its potential.  Barbeau is fun as the spunky and resourceful heroine.  Craven’s Last House on the Left leading man David Hess makes a memorable impression as Jourdan’s right-hand man, as does Nicholas Worth as another one of his armed guards.  Jourdan makes for an appropriately smarmy villain, but it’s Reggie Batts (in his only film role) who steals the movie as Barbeau’s wisecracking sidekick. 

Ultimately, I think Jim Wynorski embraced the camp factor much more successfully with the sequel, The Return of Swamp Thing.  (The Swamp Thing suit looked a lot better in that one too.)  The TV series which soon followed did a better job with the horror elements and mood.  This one sort of falls in between those efforts in terms of tone.  Overall, it’s not one of Craven’s best, but it’s an interesting enough attempt of a horror master trying to go mainstream. 

Kudos to the folks at MVD for releasing the mythical unrated version.  This edition contains some extra nudity from not only Barbeau but a few random belly dancers as well.  It’s nothing to get your heart racing or anything, but it at least gives the film a bit more edge. 

HEAVY METAL (1981) *** ½

Ivan Reitman produced this dazzling, sophomoric, and fun animated adaptation of the popular magazine.  Like most anthology movies, some segments are better than others.  However, there isn’t a bad story in the bunch.  Of course, the copious amounts of animated T & A doesn’t hurt either.

The wraparound segments, entitled “Soft Landing” (***) are probably the weakest part, but they’re still pretty good.  An astronaut brings a glowing orb home as a gift for his daughter.  After vaporizing dear old dad, the orb tells the girl about its previous incarnations. 

“Harry Canyon” (***) is the first official story.  The eponymous cab driver ekes out a living in futuristic New York City.  His world is turned upside down when he meets a woman whose father discovered the orb.  She’s on the run from sinister agents who want the orb and Harry tries to help her out of a jam. 

This segment has a fun, futuristic film noir feel.  (Harry’s hardboiled narration would be at home in a ‘40s detective movie.)  The voice acting by Richard Romanus is good and the New York cityscape looks cool, but the ending kind of fizzles out. 

The next sequence is “Den” (****).  A nerdy boy gets whisked away to another planet by the orb.  The kid transforms into a bald barbarian and sets out to rescue (and bed) a hot, perpetually naked woman. 

This one is the best of the bunch.  It has a perfect measure of self-parody while still giving fans what they want to see, namely cool monsters, gore, and naked chicks.  John Candy’s voice work is terrific in this and his running commentary on the action is often hilarious. 

“Captain Sternn” (***) follows.  It’s a courtroom drama about a slimy space captain on trial for numerous offenses.  He thinks a key witness (who is possessed by the orb) will help him out of his jam, and he’s right… to a point.

This one isn’t quite as strong as the other segments.  It’s kind of slight and lightweight.  On the plus side, the ending is a lot of fun, and John Vernon is great as the voice of the grouchy prosecutor. 

Then, it’s horror-tinged “B-17” (****).  An American bomber takes on enemy fire during a mission.  When one of the pilots goes to assess the damage, he is horrified to learn that a green glowing light has turned his fallen comrades into skeletal zombies. 

This segment, written by Alien’s Dan O’Bannon, is a wonderful mood piece.  It’s scary and atmospheric and would fit right at home in an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  It’s also just different enough from the other stories to feel like a breath of fresh air. 

“So Beautiful and So Dangerous” (***) is next.  A Pentagon secretary is abducted by aliens flying around in a smiley face spaceship.  A horny robot quickly turns her on to the joy of automaton lovemaking, but will their relationship be able to stand the test of time?

This story is lightweight, but it gets plenty of big laughs.  That’s largely due to John Candy’s voice acting as the Casanova droid.  Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy are pretty funny as the drug-addled aliens, but their scenes almost feel like they came out of another sequence entirely. 

The final story is “Taarna” (***).  A green goo turns a guy into an evil dictator, and he sets about to take over the planet.  The people’s last hope is a brave (and half naked) warrior woman who flies around in a pterodactyl. 

Trippy visuals and sexy women highlight this tale.  It more or less gives you everything you want from something like this.  The only downside is it runs on a bit too long. 

Overall, Heavy Metal is a lot of fun.  It gleefully caters to adolescent fantasies and features copious amounts of gratuitous violence and T & A.  Although the soundtrack is quite good, there’s only one song in there that I’d consider “Heavy Metal”.  (Journey’s “Open Arms” is about the farthest thing you can get to heavy metal.)  Still, that’s a minor nitpick as the movie more or less… uh… rocks. 

Heavy Metal 2000 followed nineteen years later. 

D'WILD WILD WENG (1982) *** ½

You loved him in For Your Height only playing the diminutive Secret Agent 00.  Now, everyone’s favorite two-foot nine Pilipino action star Weng Weng is back, this time in the outrageous Kung Fu Western, D’Wild Wild Weng.  Of all the Weng Weng movies I’ve seen, this one might be my favorite. 

Weng stars as Mr. Weng, who along with his Kung Fu fighting pal, Gordon (Max Laurel) are on their way to Santa Monica.  They soon learn the place is overrun by the evil Sebastian (Romy Diaz) and his gang of ruffians.  It then falls on Mr. Weng and Gordon to liberate the town. 

There are some things I never thought I’d see in my lifetime but can be found in this movie:  A remake of The Magnificent Seven starring a little person.  (It’s more like The Magnificent 1 ½.)  A flashback told by a man with no tongue.  A Native American tribe comprised of little people.  Folks, this movie has everything:  Mexican banditos dressed like Slow Poke Rodriguez, Ninjas, and an ending that features the hero sneaking into the enemy camp when his sidekick throws him over the wall like a human lawn dart.  Also, Weng Weng has Kung Fu training montages set to mariachi music. 

And get this:  Weng Weng SINGS!  Remember that scene in For Your Height Only when Weng Weng flew around using a jet pack?  Well, somehow this scene manages to be even more unbelievable. 

D’Wild Wild Weng exists in a weird time warp, which adds to the charm.  At first, it looks like it’s set in the Old West, but about halfway through we see someone riding around in a dune buggy.  The fact that Samurais and Ninjas are also in league with the villain just adds to the WTF factor. 

Once again, Weng Weng throws himself into his fight scenes with gusto.  He kicks lots of ass as he uses his height difference to his advantage.  He even performs his own crazy stunts (where could they possibly find a double?), which gives many of his scenes a Jackie Chan kind of vibe.  Sure, the film starts to stall here and there in the second act, but overall, this is a jaw-dropping good time. 

THEY CALL ME SUPERSEVEN (2016) ** ½

They Call Me Superseven is a mildly amusing spoof of ‘60s superhero and spy movies.  In fact, the hero, Superseven (Jerry Kokich) dresses exactly like Superargo from Superargo and the Faceless Giants.  The film is separated into “acts” that make it feel like chapters from an old Saturday morning serial, but it’s actually taken from episodes of a web series that I somehow missed. 

Superseven is a secret agent for T.H.E.M. out to recruit the sexy Sandra West (Olivia Dunkley) for the organization.  Together, they set out to stop the evil crime syndicate T.H.E.Y.  When T. H.E.Y. kidnaps Sandra, it’s up to Superseven to rescue her.  Oh, and did I mention that in addition to being a super spy, he’s also a part time actor and singing star? 

Since El Santo was one of the inspirations for our hero (and also appears on a TV), there is talk about Superseven previously fighting werewolves, vampires, and zombies.  Honestly, I would’ve rather seen that instead of watching him in a low budget spy comedy, but that’s just personal preference talking.  Overall, it’s not bad and has some entertaining moments, but even at eighty-one minutes, it still feels padded as it has a few unnecessary flashbacks and dream scenes. 

Kokich, Dunkley, and Anne Leighton who plays Sparky, Superseven’s faithful mechanic (and gadget maker) are all quite good and their performances help make up for some of the budgetary lapses.  I also liked how they incorporated footage from the old Superargo movies for some of the action scenes.  The finale, where he fights the villainess “Thunderpussy” (Michelle Jubilee Gonzalez) and her sexy henchwomen at Bronson Canyon is fun too.  (Superseven’s absolute refusal to say her full name gives the movie its biggest laugh.)

I didn’t realize this was actually part of a web series when I sat down to watch it.  In fact, it’s actually the final chapter in a trilogy of features that have been edited together.  That explains why the flashback montage has a bunch of scenes not in the movie.  Quite honestly, it’s not like you’re missing much if you haven’t seen the others.  While They Call Me Superseven is fairly enjoyable, it’s missing a certain spark to make it truly a worthwhile satire.  That said, if you’re a fan of the kinds of movies being spoofed, you’ll probably enjoy it about as much as I did. 

FUTURE ZONE (1990) ** ½

David Carradine returned (this time with an earring) for this uneven, but mildly entertaining sequel to Future Force.  He gets saddled with a young hotshot partner played by Ted Prior (brother of the director, David A. Prior) and together they investigate a bombing.  Ted has a Big Secret he’s just dying to tell David, but I’m sure you’ll figure out what it is before the second reel. 

The screenwriters mixed in a little bit of Terminator-style time travel for this one, although they never really take full advantage of the potential.  Also, where the Hell is the “Future Zone” of the title?  Did they just call it that because they thought it sounded cool?  (Admittedly, it kinda does.)

Carradine and Prior have an easygoing chemistry with one another and the film is at its best when they are on screen together.  The highlight comes when they have a big brawl, which is sort of their version of the They Live alley fight scene.  Sadly, Carradine’s solo scenes aren’t as much fun as they lack the silly charm of the original.  The great Charles Napier pops up too as a crooked politician, even though he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Carradine’s real life wife, Gail Jensen also appears playing his on-screen spouse. 

Even though this sequel has more Sci-Fi elements, the budget feels cheaper this time around.  Once again, Carradine has the Power Glove that shoots lightning, but he keeps it locked up for much of the picture.  Although the glove scenes are limited to the opening and closing action sequences, it does blow up a helicopter in the end, so there’s that. 

Even though it falls short of its predecessor in nearly every way, Future Zone remains a fitfully amusing good time.  The scant seventy-nine minutes running time helps, and Prior keeps the action moving so that you never really have time to linger on the film’s flaws.  The hilariously overwrought score is good for a few laughs too. 

AKA:  Future Force 2.

FUTURE FORCE (1989) ***

In the near future, crime is out of control.  The government creates a private police force called Civilian Operated Police Systems (C.O.P.S. for short) to deal with the chaos.  That means cops like David Carradine are now basically a cross between an independent contractor and a bounty hunter.  

Really, the long-winded exposition is just an excuse to give us Wild West style shootouts on regular looking city streets rather than one horse towns, or sometimes in titty bars instead of old timey saloons.  Oh, and did I mention Carradine wears a Power Glove-inspired gauntlet that shoots lasers?

Anyway, the plot has a news anchor who is about to do a story on the crooked head of the C.O.P.S.  He doesn’t like that she’s been poking her nose in his illegal affairs, so he rigs the system and puts a bounty out on her.  Carradine arrests her, and soon after, not only are the bad guys after them, but so are all the C.O.P.S. who are looking to collect the bounty. 

Directed by David A. Prior for Action International Pictures, Future Force is silly fun.  Couple the Power Glove rip-off with Carradine’s trademark world-weariness and deadpan delivery, and you have a recipe for a breezy and cheezy beer and pizza movie.  It almost plays like a futuristic version of Wanted:  Dead or Alive and has some truly funny touches along the way (like the head of one of the crime syndicates being a priest).  I also dug the fact that all the C.O.P.S. dressed like extras from a biker movie. 

The highlight of the hilarity comes at the climax when Carradine battles Mr. Clean himself, Robert Tessier in a junkyard.  Down but not out, Carradine grabs the remote on his Power Glove and makes it fly around by itself and beat Tessier to a pulp.  In a word… Cinema. 

Carradine equips himself nicely here.  It’s hard to think of many actors who could sell this sort of silliness with a straight(ish) face and make it work.  Tessier (in one of his final roles) is also fun as the villain’s right-hand man.  Also in the mix is Fred Olen Ray regular (and ex-wife) Dawn Wildsmith, as the lone C.O.P. who remains loyal to Carradine. 

A sequel, Future Zone followed the next year. 

AKA:  C.O.P.S.

CAMP BLOOD CLOWN SHARK (2024) **

In this 13th(ish) entry in the long running Camp Blood franchise, Jerry (Anna Dainton), a spunky chick with red hair, decapitates the Camp Blood clown killer and tosses his head into the lake.  Six months later, the floating head grafts itself onto a random fish and somehow turns into a shark that starts eating swimmers and fishermen.  Meanwhile, Jerry begins having nightmares about the shark’s victims.  Eventually, she returns to stop the killer once and for all. 

The opening isn’t bad.  In fact, just about any scene with Dainton is pretty good.  Unfortunately, most of Camp Blood Clown Shark is a mess.  The kill scenes are mostly lame, but the bathtub attack is decent enough.  The effects for the shark are pathetic too as it’s just a Halloween mask superimposed over footage of a real shark.  (Amazingly, the Styrofoam fin that rises above the water looks more believable.)

Even though it’s only seventy minutes, it’s still padded with lots of nightmare scenes (some of which look like AI was used).  There’s also a subplot about rednecks trying to dish out vigilante justice to a relative of the Camp Blood killer that eats up a lot of screen time.  (Speaking of padding, there’s one scene where a woman yells, “Shark” over and over again as the shark’s POV swims through the water that goes on way too long.)  I sort of think the filmmakers started with a more traditional sequel plot then halfway through, someone got the idea to make the killer a shark, and they just tossed both ideas into the mix.  I mean, I’m always up for a dopey shark movie.  It’s just that the two halves make for a disjointed whole.

Longtime Polonia Brothers actor Jeff Kirkendall (who plays the sheriff) co-directed alongside Mark Polonia for this one.  Mark also shows up as one of the rednecks and Anthony Polonia (who did the special effects) has a cameo as a victim.  It’s Dainton who makes it watchable though.  Jennie Russo is also good as her sister who figures into the aforementioned bathtub scene. 

While it is certainly an inspired way to continue the franchise, fans of the Camp Blood movies will likely be disappointed by the lack of kills and thrills normally associated with series.  Shark movie enthusiasts are probably more inclined to enjoy it (there’s a crooked mayor character right out of Jaws), but that still doesn’t mean it’s very good.  I did like the unexpected (but not exactly successful) homage to the teaser trailer for Leatherface:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.

BLACK WIDOW (2008) ** ½

Melanie (Alicia Coppola) is a journalist who has a crush on her rich friend Danny (Randall Batinkoff).  When Danny begins seeing the sexy Olivia (Elizabeth Berkley), Melanie, out of possibly a tinge of jealousy, begins checking up on her.  She slowly begins to suspect that Olivia is laundering money out of a local charity, but of course nobody believes her.  Even worse is the fact that Olivia may also be a serial murderer who marries and buries her rich husbands. 

Directed by Armand (He Knows You’re Alone) Mastroianni, Black Widow was made for The Lifetime Channel.  This was the era that was in between the ‘90s, when they would rerun network TV Movies of the Week, and today, when most of the “Wrong” series of thrillers dominate the airways.  In fact, this almost feels like an early blueprint for those films. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for Lifetime movies, so this one went down smooth enough.  The scenes of Berkley romancing Batinkoff are amusing.  It’s funny seeing her neckline become progressively lower from scene to scene, which correlates to his infatuation level.  The stuff with Coppola and her girl Friday (Adriana DeMeo) digging into Berkley’s past are kind of cliché, but still watchable.  Even when the plot begins spinning its wheels, you can still enjoy seeing Berkley and Coppola (no relation to Francis and his clan) acting catty towards each other. 

Berkley is well cast as the femme fatale.  This isn’t quite in the same league as her immortal turn in Showgirls, but it’s fun, nevertheless.  Coppola is strong as the heroine who uses her journalism skills to uncover Berkley’s secrets, and Batinkoff is very Henry Thomas-like as the clueless mark.  George (Fletch) Wyner also turns up as Coppola’s boss. 

No one reinvented the wheel with this one.  Mastroianni didn’t hit it out of the park or anything (the third act, especially the final confrontation with Berkley, is rushed), but it’s a respectable extra-base hit.  If you find yourself watching this kind of stuff on rainy afternoons, it will get the job done.  Berkley fans will also want to give it a look.

AKA:  Dark Beauty.

CQ (2002) ***

Jeremy Davies stars as an editor on a Sci-Fi movie in the ‘60s.  In his spare time, he works on a personal black and white autobiographical documentary which is a stark contrast to the film at his day job.  When the director is fired, it falls on Davies to finish the movie. 

Written and directed by Roman Coppola, CQ is a love letter to a bygone era of moviemaking.  You can almost imagine him hearing stories from his dad, Francis Ford Coppola and using it for fodder for his film.  The scenes of the movie within a movie (Codename:  Dragonfly) are a lot of fun.  They are obviously modeled on Barbarella, and Coppola admirably recreates that film’s cheeky aesthetic.  (One of the stars of Barbarella, John Phillip Law, also turns up in a supporting role.)  The film’s finale also owes a debt to THD-1138, which the elder Coppola also produced. 

The cast is great.  Davies is solid in the lead playing a more polished version of his typical introvert character.  Gerard Depardieu is amusing as the temperamental director who gets fired and Jason Schwartzman is fun as the hotshot director brought in to salvage the picture.  Billy Zane is a hoot as the actor who plays the villain in the film within a film.  We also have Dean Stockwell as Davies’ dad and Giancarlo Gianni as the producer. 

It’s Angela Lindvall who steals the movie as the sexy actress who plays the Barbarella-inspired character.  She really nails the acting style necessary for the part as she makes her character Dragonfly quite endearing.  (I’d pay to see a real feature length version of the fake movie.)  She’s also quite good in her scenes as the actress as she is a double threat in both the “real” and “reel” sequences. 

Sure, CQ is lightweight, but it’s also a lot of fun.  It’s got style for days and is able to coast on vibes alone.  Fans of Barbarella will definitely appreciate the homage and those who enjoy movies about the filmmaking process will dig it too. 

JACKALS (2017) ****

Jimmy (Stephen Dorff) is a former Marine turned deprogrammer who kidnaps a rich kid named Justin (Ben Sullivan) from a cult and brings him to a cabin in the woods.  There, he and Justin’s family stage an intervention and try to undo the cults’ mental hold over him.  It doesn’t take long before the cult members show up with the intent to bring Justin home and slaughter anyone who stands in their way. 

Director Kevin (Saw X) Greutert kicks things off with a solid Halloween-inspired opening shown from a killer’s POV.  After a while, the film turns into a siege movie.  Think Split Image meets The Strangers.  I find cult mentalities and deprogramming fascinating so I may have enjoyed this one more than the general consensus.  I also have a small place in my heart for siege films too, so again your enjoyment for this nasty piece of work may differ from mine. 

Greutert delivers a three chords suspense picture that hits the right notes and contains at least one strong jump scare.  He maintains a claustrophobic atmosphere throughout and keeps the pace moving with precision.  Most of the family’s strife is unpleasant, but that just adds to the overall tension.   Also interesting is the fact that the script deliberately leaves the cult’s intentions and beliefs vague.  They just want Justin.  Honestly, I admire the stripped-down approach, especially when it’s in favor of delivering shocks. 

Jackals also features a solid cast.  Dorff is a standout as the gruff but focused deprogrammer.  Jonathan Schaech and Debra Kara Unger are both excellent as the parents too.  Sullivan is also quite good as the brainwashed son. 

This is not a fun movie.  It is often sadistic and nihilistic.  It is also quite effective and unsettling.  If you don’t want to be disturbed, then steer clear at all costs.  However, for those with steely resolve, Jackals is a heck of a ride. 

LEATHER AND LACE (198?) ****

Black Magic and the Pussycats are an all-girl, all-nude band that performs while a sexy brunette (presumably named “Black Magic”, but there’s no credits or hardly any information available about this fascinating relic anywhere online) performs stripteases.  (Actually, the band are mostly for show as they are clearly miming the different songs that are heard on the soundtrack.)  Then, they back a nude ballet number with a guy prancing around naked and women running around and wrapping him up with ribbon.  Next, they play “O Pretty Woman” (well, Roy Orbison does) while Black Magic (I’ll just call her that for the sake of argument) lip synchs and takes her clothes off (she also lip synchs to Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls”). 

Next up is a film segment about a motorcycle rider who spies on a scantily clad girl playing a flute in the woods.  Then, it’s back to Black Magic lip synching to Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child in the City”.  Afterwards, she performs more numbers including a cover of “Black Magic”, “Hot Stuff”, and a reprise of “Bad Girls” (on top of a scaffolding with back-up dancers). 

Then, it’s back to the lovers in the forest who get it in while smooth jazz plays in the background (but not before he performs some nude gymnastics).  Black Magic soon returns to perform the dirty novelty country songs “Dolly Parton’s Tits” and “I’ve Seen Public Hair (a parody of “I’ve Been Everywhere”).  Next is a Bobby and Cissy type of number, if Cissy was Asian and wore a see-thru nightie, that is. 

Finally, we get to our leather portion of the show and was it ever worth the wait!  Our leading lady comes out dressed like a dominatrix in leather crotchless chaps wielding a whip and dancing proactively to a few instrumental numbers.  Meanwhile, we cut back to our lovebirds in the forest where the gal watches her man perform more gymnastic feats before making love by the fire.  Then, three gals perform a nude tap dance routine… and… well… that’s it!

Leather and Lace is a jaw dropping time capsule.  I love this kind of dated fusion of rock n’ roll and T & A.  I admire the purity of the concept as it’s nothing but music and nudity.  There’s no attempt to make sense out of any of it.  It just happens.  We probably didn’t need the scenes with all the swinging dicks (sometimes quite literally), but I guess you’ve got to have something in there for the ladies too.

I don’t know much about Black Magic and the Pussycats, but they have one-upped the band The Ladybirds from The Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield.  Whereas The Ladybirds played topless, these girls rock out totally in the buff.  Now, it’s debatable if the Pussycats actually play their instruments, but when they look this hot, who cares? 

I caught this oddity on The Roku Channel, The B-Zone.  The movie (if you want to call it that) doesn’t have an IMDb page.  There’s very little information about it on the internet (aside from a few short clips that are on a porn site that will probably give me a hundred viruses if I click on it).  In fact, The B-Zone may be the only place you can see it in its entirety.  If you aren’t already in the know, The B-Zone is the greatest streaming channel around.  It plays tons of vintage ‘80s erotica like this.  From Playboy Channel specials to celebrity workout videos, it’s got a bevy of wonderful oddities.  If you like old-timey smut like me, you should add it to your Roku player and see what you’re missing.