THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER’S WEB (2018) ** ½

While David Fincher’s remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a hit, it didn’t exactly live up to its lofty box office expectations.  Instead of letting Fincher cook and finish out the Steig Larsson Millennium trilogy, Sony decided to bring in Fede Alvarez and reboot the franchise from scratch.  (Fincher retains an Executive Producer credit, although something tells me it might’ve been one of those contractual deals.)  That might’ve sounded like a good idea at the time, seeing how Alvarez cannily rebooted The Evil Dead series, but this was a massive flop. 

The Crown’s Claire Foy takes over the role of Lisbeth Salander, who is now running around and blackmailing rich assholes who cheat and beat on their wives.  She gets paid to steal a computer program that can hack into nations’ defense systems and when some shadowy agents steal it from her, she sets out to steal it back.  Turns out the gang (called “The Spiders”) is ran by none other than her estranged sister (Sylvia Hoeks) who has a score to settle with Lisbeth. 

Foy is even more waifish than Rooney Mara was when she played Lisbeth and lacks the pizzazz Noomi Rapace brought to the role.  I also kind of missed Lisbeth’s typical punk rock look.  (Her close-cropped hair and leather outfit makes her look closer to Aeon Flux, which isn’t really a complaint, just an observation.)  That said, Foy still equips herself reasonably well, especially while getting into chase scenes on her motorcycle. Likewise, Sverrir Gudnason, who plays the new Mikael Blomkvist, isn’t a patch on Daniel Craig or Michael Nyqvist, but he isn’t too shabby, all things considered. 

To his credit, Alvarez gives the film a sense of style that honors Fincher but still manages to have its own voice.  It’s more action-oriented than the previous incarnations of the series, which is fine, but it is missing the goth detective vibe that made them so memorable.  It’s consistently watchable and moderately entertaining, although it's not exactly involving.  While it certainly has its moments (there’s a gnarly scene where a dude removes his prosthetic nose), you do have a sinking suspicion this was all a product of wringing blood from stone. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 1 (1994) ****

Something Weird delivered a home run with this eye-popping bonanza of sexploitation trailers.  It contains more sleaze and depravity than you can shake a stick at.  Among the subgenres included are women in prison (Stefania), cheesecake model movies (Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas), nudie cuties (The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee), roughies (The Hookers), nudist camp pictures (Girls Come Too), classy softcore fare (The Libertine), and Italian giallo thrillers (Bad Girls). 

Some of these titles may be familiar to you if you’re a fan of Something Weird releases (like Satan’s Bed starring none other than a pre-John Lennon Yoko Ono as “The virgin bride from the Orient!”), but there are a staggering number of movies here I have never heard of.  Trust me when I say I added a good dozen or so films to my watchlist after seeing them advertised here.  Twisted Sex Vol. 1 also gives us a tantalizing glimpse at a handful of lost movies.  The awesome looking MME Olga’s Massage Parlor (part of the Olga series) and the sexploitation flick A Weekend with Strangers (which is notable for being the film debut of Re-Animator’s David Gale) may be lost to time, but at least a few minutes of those films live on here in trailer form. 

Another highlight is Censored, a Barry Mahon flick that purports to show uncensored scenes that were too steamy for the general public, but it was in actuality a clever marketing gimmick.  Another Mahon production is the early transgender flick I was a Man that looks to be the missing link between Glen or Glenda and Let Me Die a Woman.  There’s also a trailer for a low budget skin flick called The King which features a potentially amazing scene where a woman has lesbian sex while wearing a Bela Lugosi mask.  The preview for Watch the Birdie is backed to the swinging sounds of “The Bird is the Word” by Rocky Roberts and the Airedales (which was also featured in the immortal the Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield) and contains an incredible looking death by toilet scene. 

There are also plenty of great taglines along the way.  Among my favorites were My Body Hungers (“See a sexual assault of a young girl in its entirety!”), Vapors (“Filmed by the new leader in underground filmmaking, Andy Milligan!”), and All Woman (“A bold look at Freudian realism!”).  All in all, this is one of Something Weird’s best trailer compilations, which is really saying something. 

The complete trailer rundown is as follows: The Immoral, Stefania, Strange Compulsion, The Weird Lovemakers, a double feature of Pussycats Paradise and A Trip Around the World, Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas, A Story of Eight Girls, The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee, Forbidden Beauties, Nudes on the Rocks (AKA:  50,000 B.C. Before Clothing), Satan’s Bed, MME Olga’s Massage Parlor, Censored, A Good Time with a Bad Girl, My Body Hungers, The Hookers, Vapors, I was a Man, The Tomcat, All Woman, Submission, The Warm, Warm Bed, Ride the Wild Pink Horse, The King, Watch the Birdie, My Third Wife George, Girls Come Too, The Orgy of the Golden Nudes (AKA:  Honeymoon of Horror), Sextet, Tassle-a-Go-Go, Fanny Hill Meets Lady Chatterley, The Libertine, Camille 2000, Fanny Hill Meets the Red Baron, I a Woman Part 2, Fuego, The Brutes, A Weekend with Strangers, Bad Girls, The Girl Grabbers, Women for Sale, The Rape Killer, and Girl in Room 2A. 

JURASSIC WORLD: REBIRTH (2025) **

Jurassic World:  Rebirth is a tired and uninspired remix of Universal’s durable dinosaur franchise.  It’s the seventh entry in the series, and the cliches are beginning to feel as old as the dinosaurs themselves.  Even the original screenwriter David Koepp was unable to breathe life into this one.  (Incredibly enough, this is the third turd Koepp has written this year after the forgettable Presence and the weak Black Bag.)

This time, a greedy Big Pharma jackass (Rupert Friend) hires a mercenary (Scarlett Johansson) and her team to go to one of the Jurassic Park testing islands and retrieve blood samples from some dinosaurs that he can use to wipe out heart disease or some shit.  This set-up feels more like cut scenes from a video game.  In the first level, they have to find a dinosaur in the sea.  The second level, they need a dinosaur from the land.  And in the third, they have to contend with dinosaurs in the air. 

Adding to the movie’s woes is the subplot about a family who becomes shipwrecked on the island.  The crosscutting back and forth between Scar Jo and her team with the family in peril causes the film to lose much of its momentum.  I think either of these plots could have worked on their own.  (Think Swiss Family Robinson, but with dinosaurs.)  Having both just bogs things down. 

One of the biggest disappointments is the dinosaurs themselves.  About halfway through the movie, someone mentions that the island is supposedly inhabited by mutant dinosaurs, but they mostly look like the same shit we’ve seen in the other movies.  The “big bad” dino just looks like he’s got a big scrotum on his forehead.  He only shows up for the last reel though and is kind of underwhelming. 

Not only does the movie recycle elements and scenarios from the previous Jurassic Park movies, it rips off other Steven Spielberg films like Jaws (the whole mosasaurus sequence), E.T. (a little girl feeds a creature candy), and the Spielberg-produced Gremlins (said girl carries a baby dinosaur around in her backpack).  It’s also a shame that the film conveniently writes off the lone intriguing element from the Jurassic World series (the humans being forced to share the planet with the dinosaurs) by having most of the dinosaurs dying off or fleeing to the equator.  Because of that, the film feels more like a reboot than a continuation.  Put another way, Rebirth is more like an afterbirth. 

TEENAGE BIKERS (1977) ***

Teenage Bikers begins with a scene of people riding motorcycles set to the tune of “Born to Be Wild”.  (Easy Rider eat your heart out!).  Then the plot begins.  And by “plot”, I mean ‘70s porn stars wearing denim vests fuck while surrounded by biker paraphernalia. 

First, we see everyone’s favorite hardcore lunatic Jamie Gillis banging a biker mama in a public restroom.  Then, Vanessa del Rio gets so hot and horny that she begs a biker to fuck her in the ass.  Meanwhile, Bobby Astyr is getting busy bumping uglies with his old lady. 

These scenes might’ve worked better had the filmmakers allowed them to play out from start to finish as three separate sequences.  Instead, they cut back and forth between the three couplings, which kind of lessens the impact.  Then again, the fact that Gillis’ scene culminates with him receiving a golden shower and del Rio’s begins with her pulling a chain out of her pussy (And I don’t mean like a slim necklace or something.  I’m talking about some heavy-duty Jacob Marley-type shit.), they are, at the very least, memorable.

While Aster’s scene is far less noteworthy, the next sequence where he bangs del Rio and his girlfriend on the back of his hog is good for a hearty laugh or two.  That’s mostly because it’s set to the tune of the theme from Shaft.  At first, you may think it’s weird to steal this particular needle drop as Astyr is not a black private dick (although he is a sex machine to at least a few of the chicks).  It’s not until you realize that a majority of the scene focuses on Astyr’s shaft being sucked, that it begins to make some kind of sense. 

There’s also a great bit where a biker babe dreams about looking at a poster of Peter Fonda from Easy Rider when Gillis and another guy crash their motorcycle through the wall and proceed to double team her. 

One complaint I had is that it ends with the bikers going to an orgy that is never shown.  Oh, and no one in the cast looks remotely close to being a teenager.  Maybe that’s why the alternate title, Sex Bikers is more prevalent.  These problems are minor in the long run though.  If sex and motorcycles are your thing, then Teenage Bikers will likely rev your engine. 

AKA:  Sex Bikers.  AKA:  Young Bikers.

SEX-O-PHRENIA (1970) ***

Rene Bond stars as a lonely housewife who is suffering from cripplingly powerful sexual fantasies.  Whenever she just thinks about sex, she has to strip down and pleasure herself.  After her husband spurns her sexual advances, she goes out and picks up a wino from the gutter and brings him back to their garage to bang.  When he fails to satisfy her, Rene uses his wine bottle to get off!  Later, she seduces her next-door neighbor on the kitchen floor, but much to his chagrin, his wife catches them in the act.  Bond then further spirals headlong into a sexual frenzy with little hope of finding a cure. 

Sex-O-Phrenia is a surprisingly fun skin flick that is packed with amusing moments.  Things kick off with a funny opening when a doctor miraculously appears in Bond’s living room and addresses the audience about her titular condition.  There’s also an odd scene where the camera keeps cutting away from Bond making love to two dead roaches. 

Bond gives an excellent performance in this.  She’s equally good during her dramatic scenes where she is trying to get her disinterested husband to notice her as she is in her sex scenes.  Speaking of which, there’s a hot scene where Bond uses a vibrator while having a sexual fantasy.  I also thought it was a nice touch that whenever she is in the grips of her sexual compulsion, she is shown wearing Raggedy Ann-inspired make-up.  Fans of Bond will definitely want to give this a look as she is practically the whole show. 

It looks like it was at one time a hardcore porno, but some sneaky bastard took a pair of scissors to it and cut it all up.  (Well, there are some fleeting glimpses of near-hardcore footage.)  The relatively scant fifty-seven-minute running time kind of supports that theory.  It’s not any kind of forgotten classic by any means, but it is nice that the filmmakers attempted to at least broach the psychological aspects of sexual desire instead of just indifferently churning out another dirty movie. 

AKA:  Sexophrenia.

DARK ECHOES (1977) **

A hundred years ago, a boat sank in an Austrian lake.  Now, the place is supposedly haunted by the ghost of the vengeance-seeking boat captain.  Things go from bad to worse when villagers begin turning up dead.  Flummoxed, the local police call on the services of a psychic investigator from America (Joel Fabiani) to check the place out.  Along with a reporter (former Bond girl Karin Dor from You Only Live Twice), he does some digging before eventually coming face to face with the gruesome ghost. 

Dark Echoes was the sole writing and directing credit for the awesomely named George Robotham, who was a stuntman and bit player for most of his career.  He specialized in underwater sequences, which probably explains all the scuba diving scenes in the third act.  Fabiani’s extended underwater fight with the “ghost” is OK, but it doesn’t quite make up for the long, pointless slow-motion shots of him skiing early in the film though. 

The investigation scenes into the town’s past are rather pedestrian.  There’s definitely a Scooby-Doo kind of vibe going on as the skull-faced boat captain looks very much like the sort of villain of the week Shaggy and the gang would encounter.  (He was created by none other than Planet of the Apes’ John Chambers.)  The ghost attack sequences are decent enough I suppose, but the pacing is much too leisurely to build any real suspense.

The subplot about a witch and her coven of cult members performing a ritual in the town’s catacombs is kind of fun though, especially when they break out into a half-assed dance number.  It’s here where some of the frenzied ladies in the group slip in and out of their robes.  The nudity from these probably unknown actresses is the definite high point in what is an otherwise tepid horror flick.  Our hero’s frequent psychic episodes, which are accompanied by a humorous sounding sting on the soundtrack, are good for a chuckle or two, and there’s a hilariously bad decapitation in there as well.  Despite those quality moments, I’m sure Dark Echoes won’t reverberate with most viewers. 

AKA:  Dark Echo.

TRANSFORMERS ONE (2024) ****

This animated prequel to the beloved Hasbro toy line shows how Optimus Prime (the voice of Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (the voice of Brian Tyree Henry) became mortal enemies.  They start off as the best of friends, working lowly mining jobs with Optimus generally causing trouble and Megatron having to bail him out.  Eventually, the duo learns that their leader, Sentinel Prime (the voice of Jon Hamm) has been lying to them and giving the planet’s resources to evil alien invaders.  With the help of Alpha Trion (the voice of Laurence Fishburne), they are able to unlock their transformation powers to save the planet. 

At first, it’s a little odd hearing the Transformers voiced by big Hollywood stars instead of the familiar voices from the old cartoon and live action films.   It also takes some time to get used to their new baby-faced appearance.  The good news is that feeling evaporates rather quickly as the script is witty, smart, and surprisingly heartfelt.

Plus, the animation is terrific.  It looks so good that it makes you wish Paramount would let the live action franchise finally die off so they could make this the main series.  (Fat chance since this was not a hit.)  The scenes set in the Transformer home planet look like a robot version of the city in The Fifth Element, and the action sequences are a blast too.  (The big race sequence is reminiscent of the pod race from The Phantom Menace.) 

The biggest surprise is that the characters (even though they are younger and brasher than the versions we grew up with) really pull you into the world.  The friendship between Optimus and Megatron is engaging, and when there is a rift between them, you genuinely feel it.  Megatron’s slow… ahem… transformation from cocky best friend to brooding villain is fully fleshed out and realized.  These kind of simple, yet effective characterizations are sorely lacking in the other incarnations of the franchise and seem downright Shakespearean compared to the live action movies. 

I’m actually shocked how much I enjoyed this.  It might even be better than Bumblebee.  It just goes to show there’s more to Transformers One than meets the eye. 

THE ORAL GENERATION (1973) ** ½

The Oral Generation purports to provide sexual education to the female viewer.  Seeing how an overwhelming amount of these kinds of films caters to the male audience, that’s kind of noble, I guess.  To back up that claim, the first sex scene is a long cunnilingus sequence focusing on the woman’s pleasure.  Next, we meet a housewife yearning to pleasure her husband orally who reads a book about giving head and then shows him what she learned.  Another woman fantasizes about going down on a black martial artist (his karate demonstration is humorously intercut with their lovemaking).  Then, a woman shows off her oral skills and, with a little aid from some petroleum jelly, helps her lover achieve a climax.  In the final segment, a bored housewife acquiesces to her husband’s desire to spice up their love life by allowing another woman into their bedroom. 

The movie begins with a cool look at 42nd Street where the theatre marquees advertise everything from The Bizarre Ones to a Godzilla triple feature.  Sadly, that’s about as seedy as it gets.  The Oral Generation is more of a “white coater” as it provides the audience hardcore action under the guise of “sex education”.  (We are shown many “how to” manuals and hear about laws prohibiting certain types of sexual activity.)  The dry, clinically accurate (for the time) narration enhances the educational feeling, but it consequently prevents the proceedings from getting too sexy. 

Overall, The Oral Generation is a moderately successful hardcore flick.  True to its title, it features a heavy concentration of oral scenes.  Although none of them are exactly high caliber (the nutty Kung Fu scene is at least memorable), there are certainly plenty of them to go around.  Because of that, fans with an oral fixation will no doubt walk away satisfied by this one.  Other folks will probably wish there was a little more variety on hand. 

According to IMDb, director Richard Franklin is apparently not the same Richard Franklin who made Fantasm (and Psycho 2).

POPEYE’S REVENGE (2025) ** ½

First, it was Winnie-the-Pooh.  Then, it was Mickey Mouse.  Now, it’s Popeye’s turn to star in his own low budget public domain slasher movie. 

Like Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey, Popeye’s Revenge kicks off with a crummy animated backstory for our titular slasher.  And like Blood and Honey, it’s a British production.  I wonder how come it’s always the Brits who are getting first dibs on American public domain characters and turning them into low budget slashers.  Maybe it’s payback for that whole Revolutionary War thing.

Anyway, Popeye is born with freakish forearms.  As a child, he is bullied and kills his tormentor.  A mob soon forms and sends the little tyke scurrying to the bottom of a nearby lake.  Fifteen years later, a trio of YouTubers come to the lake to make a video about him and are promptly killed off.  Meanwhile, some teens head to Popeye’s house with the intention of turning it into a haunted attraction, unaware that he is lurking about. 

Well blow me down, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. 

This version of Popeye is basically Jason in a sailor suit (and large forearms) as he kills anyone who fornicates around his lake.  Like Jason in Friday the 13th Part 3, he also crushes people’s skulls with his bare hands until their eyes pop out.  Popeye indeed.  Unlike other screen Popeyes, he doesn’t sing any Harry Nilsson songs, which gives him the slight edge over Robin Williams’ interpretation of the character. 

It may be a stupid public domain slasher, but it delivers on the gore and T & A, so what more can you really ask?  Popeye bludgeons people with an anchor, stomps on skulls, puts his fist through someone’s chest, and runs over someone with an industrial grade lawnmower.  He also does a little Predator style action when he rips someone’s spine out, and there’s a Zombie-inspired splinter in the eye gag too.  The standout scene though is when Popeye catches a dude jerking off and slams his anchor right into the poor guy’s junk mid-stroke. 

There’s another great moment where he kills Atlanta Moreno while she’s relaxing topless in a hot tub.  Moreno has one of the most memorable physiques I’ve seen in some time.  It’s just a shame she gets offed about halfway through.  Oh, and did I mention Olive Oyl is in it too?  She’s kind of like his groupie that hangs around and spooks the potential victims before Popeye shows up. 

The filmmakers did miss a bet by not making spinach an important plot point though.  Aside from finding an empty can, Popeye’s favorite vegetable doesn’t really come into play.  I was hoping he was going to get killed by the Final Girl but then ate some spinach and became freakishly strong or some shit.  Oh well. 

I did find it hilarious that when these filmmakers exploit a character that is in the public domain, they put their copyright in bold lettering on the title screen so no one can do the same thing to them for another ninety-five years. 

While it’s only seventy-nine minutes long, it does get a little bogged down in the final reel.  The last-minute backstory that cribs from A Nightmare on Elm Street was kind of unnecessary too.  Sure, Popeye’s Revenge isn’t exactly strong to the finish, but as far as these things go, you can do a lot worse. 

THE MONKEY (2025) *** ½

Osgood Perkins’ movies have always left me cold.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but be curious when I learned he was making a big screen version of the Stephen King short story, The Monkey.  The tale had already been (unofficially) adapted as notoriously shitty The Devil’s Gift, so even with Perkins at the helm, it had to be an upgrade from that flick.  The good news is The Monkey is a lot of fun.  Unlike Perkins’ previous efforts, it doesn’t take itself too seriously and has a dark sense of humor that’s often very funny.  Plus, it’s gory as all get out which is always welcome. 

Twin brothers Hal and Bill (Christian Convery) find a wind-up monkey in their dad’s closet and soon learn whenever it beats its drum, someone dies.  They quickly decide to get rid of it and throw it down a well.  Twenty-five years later, they grow up to be played by Theo James.  When a rash of ghoulish accidents plague their hometown, Hal returns to find Bill has been using the monkey to kill people. 

James is solid in the lead, but it’s the supporting cast who steal the show.  Adam Scott is funny as the father seen in flashback who frantically tries to get rid of the monkey.  Tatiana Maslany is also funny as the boys’ mother, Elijah Wood hams it up as a self-help guru, and Perkins himself gets some laughs as the boys’ creepy uncle. 

The death scenes have a Final Destination kind of vibe as they involve mishaps with a speargun, a hibachi chef, a gas stove, a swimming pool, a shotgun, a vape, and a hornets’ nest.  Guts are torn out, heads are lopped off, faces are set on fire, and bodies explode.  You know, the good shit.  There are also some funny scenes peppered along the way like a young priest giving a thoroughly awful eulogy. 

In short, The Monkey is gory, goofy fun from start to finish.  It’s easily Perkins’ best film by a country mile.  If he can turn out another banger like this one, I’d consider myself a fan. 

THE 15:17 TO PARIS (2018) **

In 2015, three American servicemen traveling through Europe stopped a terror attack aboard a train.  That’s the kind of story Hollywood loves to make a movie about.  Only a guy like Clint Eastwood would cast the real-life heroes as themselves. 

This sort of thing has a precedent, but you have to go back to the ‘50s when war hero Audie Murphy played himself in To Hell and Back.  (Something tells me these guys won’t have the same kind of career as Murphy had.)  The cheeseball sentiment that permeates the film feels like it came out of the ‘50s too.  All of this is well-intentioned to be sure, but it’s never quite successful. 

The first act flashbacks of the real-life heroes growing up play like a bad After School Special.  These scenes are oddly paced and feel more like filler than anything.  (The scenes with them in gym class where they wear camouflage shirts while everyone else wears a uniform so you can pick them out of the group are unintentionally funny.)  The second act is somewhat better, but it too often feels like an extended travelogue of Europe.  As noble and brave as these guys are, I don’t really need to see their vacation videos (and dramatized ones at that).

The act of heroism doesn’t occur till the very end and even then, it’s over pretty quickly.  I will say it is legitimately suspenseful, even if you know the outcome.  (What’s impressive is that the three friends spend more time tending to the wounded till help arrives than they do taking down the gunman.)  Until those closing moments, it’s kind of a slog. 

As far as the three stars go, I think I can give them a pass.  They equip themselves as well as can be expected, especially for nonprofessional actors.  While I’m sure “real” actors could’ve done it “better”, it’s easy to see why Eastwood thought they were the right men for the job.  However, the fact that we have recognizable stars like Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer playing two of their moms kind of throws off the “reality” Eastwood is trying to capture.  The rest of the supporting cast is mostly made up of actors known for their comic chops, which is kind of odd.  We have Thomas Lennon as the kids’ principal, Tony Hale as their gym teacher, and Jaleel White as their teacher.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Dirty Harry directed Urkel in a movie, but here we are. 

SUPER SEX (1986) ***

A psychotherapist sets out to help women who can only achieve sexual fulfillment in their dreams.  By “help”, I just mean he listens to them talk about their dreams while we watch their fantasies come alive for the camera.  One gal gets banged in the shower by her boyfriend, another has a threesome with her parents, and there’s even a patient who dreams of possessing Nina Hartley so she can fuck her husband.  The doctor eventually hits on a surefire method to cure his patients of their dreams…  Bang them right on his couch!  (I wonder if it’s covered by insurance or not.) 

Directed by Carlos (Pulsating Flesh) Tobalina, Super Sex has a sturdy structure that’s ideal to frame several sex scenes upon.  In fact, Tobalina pretty much abandons the structure in the third act as most of the last twenty minutes or so is devoted to a string of scenes of the doctor and his colleagues balling their patients.  The scenes themselves vary in quality and almost all of them are way too brief to really build much momentum, but they more than make up for it in sheer volume.

The highlight is the finale where a shrink helps Jeannie Pepper find her ideal man.  The scene where Tobalina uses jump cuts to show the horny patient is inhabiting the body of Hartley is surprisingly well done too, especially given the limited means at his disposal.  (For whatever reason, the two biggest stars in the movie, Hartley and Pepper aren’t even listed in the opening credits.)  Also, the sex scenes include plenty of three-ways and if you’re a fan of that sort of thing (Devil’s Triangle or otherwise), you should enjoy it.  (If you have a couch fetish, this will easily get Four Stars as nearly all the sex scenes occur on the therapists’ couches.)

Overall, Super Sex doesn’t exactly live up to its title but it’s certainly a better than average fuck flick.  Plus, the scenes are all filmed and choreographed in a solid manner.  Well… for a Carlos Tobalina flick, that is. 

JOURNEY TO FREEDOM (1957) *

Before he collaborated with Ed Wood on the immortal classics, Orgy of the Dead and Fugitive Girls, Stephen C. Apostolof produced this boring refugee drama.  As a bonus, it also features another Ed Wood associate, Tor Johnson, in a small role.  It was also shot by Wood’s usual cinematographer, William C. Thompson. Robert C. Dertano was the director, but it’s a far cry from his fun wrestling women melodrama, Racket Girls. 

Stephan (Jacques Scott) is a political prisoner in Bulgaria who is jailed by the communist regime for inciting a riot.  With the help of some pals, he breaks out of prison and heads to Turkey where he gets a job playing piano in a dive bar.  Then, it’s off to Paris where he joins the Resistance by broadcasting on Radio Free Europe.  Eventually, he makes his way to America where he settles down and gets married, but it isn’t long before his old enemies rear their ugly heads and frame him for murder. 

The story no doubt resonated with Apostolof (he co-wrote the script) as he himself was a Bulgarian refugee.  However, he sorely misread the need for this film as Joe Average American moviegoer doesn’t give a fuck about Bulgaria.  Then again, it might’ve helped if Journey to Freedom was… you know… good. 

The overuse of stock footage for the opening riot is very Woodian, as is the constant (and sometimes confusing) narration supplied by the villain who drops in during nearly every scene to remind the audience he’s closing in on our main character.  Despite the Wood connection, the movie it reminded me the most of was Coleman Francis’ Red Zone Cuba, which is less than a ringing endorsement to be sure.  While that film was spectacularly inept, this one is mostly just deadly dull. 

Tor is memorable as an angry Turk who picks a fight with our piano playing hero.  He’s the only bright spot in an otherwise dreary and forgettable picture.  Too bad he’s only in one scene. 

In short, this is one journey not worth taking. 

BLACK BAG (2025) **

Michael Fassbender stars in this dreary spy thriller from director Steven Soderbergh as a government agent who is given one week to flush out a traitor in the organization.  He must proceed with caution when he learns that one of the suspects is none other than his wife (Cate Blanchett), who is also a spy in the same bureau.  He eventually comes to the conclusion that they are both pawns in a larger scheme. 

For a movie about a husband suspecting his wife of treason, there doesn’t seem to be much immediacy to the situation and there’s very little suspense to boot.  Soderbergh’s cold and detached handling of the material doesn’t do it any favors either as the film is a sterile and often joyless experience.  There’s something to be said for a spy picture with a dry sense of humor about it, but Black Bag is humorless and downright arid most of the time. 

It’s a shame Black Bag is such a dud because the pairing of Fassbender and Blanchett had potential.  They are thrilling to watch separately in other films.   While they have flashes of chemistry here and there; they never really connect with each other or the audience.  That’s more the fault of the script than anything as the flick is often a slow moving, lumbering slog.  The supporting cast including Rege-Jean Page and Naomie Harriis do what they can, but most of them never speak above a stern whisper.  It is cool seeing James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan as Fassbender’s boss though, even if he’s not given much to work with. 

From Jurassic Park to Snake Eyes to Spider-Man, David Koepp’s scripts are usually crackling good, but this one is strangely inert and uninvolving.  Soderbergh gives the film a muted visual palate that is reminiscent of ‘70s thrillers.  The finished product comes off looking rather drab and unmemorable, much like the film itself.  Soderbergh and Koepp also collaborated on the ghost flick Presence (which was almost as blah as this one) the same year.  

Fassbender gets the best line of the movie while giving an associate a polygraph tests and asks her, “Will you please release your sphincter muscle?”

SUPERMAN (2025) ***

James Gunn’s Superman is an overstuffed reset of the DC Universe that suffers from trying to juggle too many balls at once, often at the expense of its title character.  That said, when Gunn threads the needle and brings the elements together, the results are great fun.  The film isn’t afraid to be goofy as it unabashedly embraces its comic book nature.  Whereas the Richard Donner original bent over backwards to ground itself in reality to make us believe a man could fly, here, a man flying around with superpowers is probably the least weird thing in the movie. 

Gunn eschews the standard origin story by dropping us right into the action.  (Although that often makes it feel like a sequel, which doesn’t help the overall feeling of déjà vu.)  Superman (David Corenswet) has ruffled the government’s feathers by taking sides in a war between two countries, if only because he was trying to save innocent lives.  Meanwhile, tech billionaire Lex Luthor (Nicholas Hoult) is using his seemingly unlimited resources in order to bring the Man of Steel down. 

The main drawback in Superman is that Superman often feels like a supporting player in his own movie.  Gunn is a veteran of the Guardians of the Galaxy and Suicide Squad, both known for their big, colorful casts.  It’s as if he felt more comfortable with a big cast and made Superman just another face in the crowd.  There’s “The Justice Gang” (who are not quite The Justice League yet), including Mister Terrific (Edi Gathegi), Green Lantern (Nathan Fillion), and Hawkgirl (Isabela Merced).  Metamorpho (Anthony Carrigan) is Superman’s cellmate when he’s imprisoned inside a “pocket universe”.  Luthor has other “Meta Humans” like The Engineer and Ultraman, whom he uses as bodyguards.  The various superhero battles are fine, but kind of pale in comparison to some of the other superhero movies we’ve seen lately.  (I also found it odd that the finale more or less rips off The Lego Batman Movie.)

The best part is Superman’s dog, Krypto, who steals every scene he’s in.  Gunn isn’t afraid to get weird with a major IP, which is refreshing.  Having a flying dog in the mix offers some levity to the film and gives it a personality that sets it apart from the rest of the pack. 

Corenswet is quite good as Supes, but you wish the film gave him more opportunities to show his stuff.  His Superman is blissfully naive and always does the right thing, even if his actions have consequences that he’s unprepared for.  He’s especially good in his scenes with Rachel Brosnahan as Lois Lane.  The scene where she interviews him is quite different than the one in the 1978 original as she mercilessly grills him for his actions.  It’s one of the bright spots in the movie and it’s a shame the duo didn’t share more scenes of this caliber together. 

In fact, it sometimes feels like Hoult is the real star as Lex Luthor probably gets as much, if not more screen time than Superman.  The good news is he’s excellent and his ruthlessness and single-mindedness makes him a detestable villain.  The scenes of him in his base of operations surrounded by techies trying to help him defeat Superman are unique and the ways he uses social media to discredit Superman is novel.  (The revelation of who is running his social media smear campaign is one of the biggest laughs in the movie.)  Sara Sampaio’s Miss Tessmacher is a lot of fun too. 

It’s 129 minutes but honestly, I wish it was longer.  It would’ve been nice had Gunn allowed the film to breathe a little bit here and there.  Even then, the prevailing sense of fun keeps it firmly in the win column.  While I kind of missed the sense of grandeur Donner and Snyder brought to the character, Gunn’s brand of earnest goofiness is spot-on for this interpretation of the character.  

Many of my quibbles might not even matter upon repeated viewings.  It’s just that there’s a lot to take in for a first-time watch (especially some of the tinkering of Superman’s backstory).  However, Corenswet is the goods, and I can’t wait to see him flying high again soon.  

GODS AND MONSTERS (1998) *** ½

Ian McKellen stars as James Whale, the director of Frankenstein who is living out his twilight years in his home with his faithful housekeeper (Lynn Redgrave) by his side.  While recovering from a mini-stroke, Whale befriends his gardener (Brendan Fraser) and asks him to pose for a sketch.  It winds up being a ruse as the lonely director just wants, as Frankenstein’s monster put it, “a friend”. 

Written and directed by Bill Condon and executive produced by Clive Barker, Gods and Monsters is less a biopic and more of a portrait of a man coming to grips with death.  While there are flashbacks to Whale’s younger years, the most entertaining is the making of Bride of Frankenstein (seeing actors in the familiar make-up and costumes riffing on their surroundings is a lot of fun), much of the film revolves around Whale and his gardener. 

McKellen is excellent as Whale, who slowly accepts the fact that a man can’t choose his legacy.  In the film’s most memorable scene, Whale, weary of the fact an interviewer only wants to know about Frankenstein, tells the young man he will only continue the interview if he will remove an article of clothing for each question asked.  This may be viewed by some as “predatory” by today’s standards, but in the film, it just comes off as Whale being a horny old eccentric. 

With his military flattop haircut and angular features, Fraser is made to resemble Frankenstein’s monster if you squint hard enough.  Whale likes him not so much because of his predilection for young men, but mostly because he carry on conversations about other things besides Frankenstein.  Fraser admirably holds his own alongside McKellen. Scenes that sort of mirror Bride (like the two men smoking cigars) are amusing, and Condon wisely doesn’t go without going overboard with it.  (Although the dream scene where Fraser performs brain surgery on McKellen is a little on the nose.)  We also get a cool scene where they cut back and forth to both men watching Bride on TV. 

Gods and Monsters is a strong and entertaining film.  Fans of movies about movies (especially horror movies) will enjoy it immensely.  Fans of LGBT cinema will also find it engaging.  It’s a solemn but heartfelt reminder that we are often more complicated and complex than our reputations suggest. 

MITCH GOES APE ON THE DTVC PODCAST

I was fortunate to once again appear on the DTVC Podcast with our good friend Matt.  On this episode we got to talk about the wonderfully WTF kids movie, The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle.  Give it a listen here:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtvc-podcast-221-the-rare-blue-apes-of-cannibal-isle/id903755371?i=1000719723892 

PULSATING FLESH (1986) **

Peter Longfellow (Ray Hardin) has the curious problem of getting his girlfriends pregnant every time they make love.  He then decides to earn a little extra money from his predicament by offering his services to couples and wealthy women who are looking to conceive.  A lesbian couple hear about Peter’s exploits on television and decide to enlist in his services. 

Directed by Carlos (Marilyn and the Senator) Tobalina, Pulsating Flesh uses a plot device of having Peter appear on a talk show and relating his experiences to the host in the form of “clips” he has prepared.  Naturally, the host (Tamara Longley, a blonde who wears a belly chain and has a tattoo on her butt) asks for a demonstration on live TV and he is only happy to give it to her.  (If you know what I mean.) 

For variety’s sake, we also get to see the lesbian couple watching the action unfold on TV who get so turned on by watching Peter do his thing that they decide to boink each other on a waterbed.  Even though these two plot lines eventually intersect in the finale, the lesbian scenes aren’t very hot and feel more like filler than anything else.  Also disappointing is the fact that they bring out two strap-ons early on but never seem to figure out how to use them.  You’ve heard of Chekhov’s Gun?  Well, that applies to strap-on dildos as well. 

The camerawork is sloppy and despite a solid enough premise, the sex/impregnation scenes themselves are curiously flat.  It’s also kind of hard to believe that Peter is able to get so many women pregnant when he’s always pulling out and cumming on their bellies.  Then again, believability isn’t something you have come to expect from a Carlos Tobalina film.  The cutting back and forth from the talk show to the lesbians’ bedroom antics is really herky-jerky too and winds up making the movie feel much longer than it really is.  The lame comic relief sound effects when the guys ejaculate don’t really do anything to enhance the mood either. 

Harry Reems gets top billing but is in only one scene as a horny milkman who spies on our hero banging two “bisexual teenagers” (they look like they’re in their ‘30s) and eventually joins in on the fun. 

A SMELL OF HONEY A SWALLOW OF BRINE (1966) ***

Stacey Walker is simply dynamite in this notorious roughie from director Byron (Space Thing) Mabe and producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman.  Walker only had one other feature to her credit and it’s a shame she didn’t make more movies because she is far and away the best thing about the film. 

Walker plays Sharon Winters, a woman who in less enlightened times would be referred to as a “tease”.  She leads men on and just as they are about to do the deed, she cries rape.  She even gets one boyfriend sent to jail on sexual assault charges.  Sharon then sets her sights on a handsome new coworker who is driven crazy thanks to her teasing.  Eventually, she meets a smooth nightclub singer (Bob Todd) who just might be her match. 

Walker gives us a definitive portrayal of a maneater.  She is sexy, surly, cold, cruel, calculating, and her performance is nothing short of riveting.  She gets several nude scenes throughout the picture, whether it’s during sex, taking a bath, conspicuously getting naked to turn on her potential suitors, or appearing in their bondage fantasies.  (She is shown as both the aggressive dominatrix and the helpless submissive and either way you look at her, she looks equally hot.)

The highlight is when Sharon welcomes the advances of her lesbian roommate Paula (Sharon Carr) and allows her to give her a sensual massage but kicks her out of bed right before things get too hot and heavy.  As she leaves, Sharon scolds, “Paula, I may be a bitch, but I’ll never be a butch!”  If that sounds familiar to you, it’s because this snippet has been used by Something Weird in their DVD intros for decades.  No matter how many times you see this moment, it still packs a punch.

Today’s viewers will probably label the film “problematic” and it kind of is, but that’s what makes it work.  The movie’s messy morality (along with Walker’s performance) helps set it apart from the countless other roughies made at the same time.  Todd’s number, “I Want a Woman” is a legitimate toe-tapper too and it will get stuck in your head for days.  The cinematography by Laszlo Kovacs is also excellent, even if the print is a little jumpy. 

Mabe and Friedman’s next collaboration was She Freak.