In the ‘80s, it was kind of a trend to cast family members of famous stars in movies just to trade in on their last name. One of the more memorable instances of this is Frank Stallone, brother of Sylvester. If you’ve ever sat through one of his movies, then you already know what we’re talking about. However, did you know that Sly’s mother, Jackie Stallone also had her fifteen minutes of fame riding the coattails of her son’s celebrity status?
Jackie made a minor splash in the psychic hotline community during the ‘80s as she had a 1-900 number where she read horoscopes and did astrology for people willing to spend $2.99 a minute. She also appeared as a manager on G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. This tape is kind of like a spin-off of that, except with boxing (you know, to cash in on her son’s Rocky movies). It actually might be a little bit more unhinged than G.L.O.W., if you can believe it.
Things begin with Jackie rapping. Yes, rapping. What more do you need to know? Go watch it immediately!
Anyway, not only does Jackie rap, but so do her “girls”, AKA: The boxers in her stable. Of course, having rapping wrestlers is another holdover from G.L.O.W. but, I mean… some of these lyrics are like… wow. (Sample lyric: “I’m a lumberjack with an axe to grind, I’m from up north as you can see, just like the trees, men PINE for me!”) Oh, and did I mention the rapping takes up the first ten minutes of the tape? It’s like they were trying to beat Rapper’s Delight for the longest rap song!
The first match is between “The Beastmaster” and “Alexis”, who for one reason or another were not featured in the opening rap song. Then, it’s “Brooklyn” going up against “Mary Jo” in a catfight, the naughty nurse “Anne Thrax” vs. the female Zorro, “Zorra”, “Valerie” squaring off against “Bambi” (who is actually G.L.O.W. wrestler turned porn star Tiffany Million) in a “Four Corners” match, and “Melanie” duking it out with “Torch”.
Afterwards, it’s time for “The Great Kung Fu Challenge” where an Asian woman fights a blonde in a karate match with comic “woo” and “waa” sound effects dubbed in. Honestly, it’s more of a sketch than an actual fight. (It doesn’t even take place in the same arena as the other matches.) This is easily the weakest segment of the tape, and you could probably just skip right over it.
Next, the Colombian smuggler “Cartela” goes toe to toe with beauty pageant queen “Bonnie Sue Ann Betty Jean”. Finally, we come to the main event, a wrestler vs. boxer match where the southern Marine “Dixie” grapples with the all-American cheerleader “Wendy”. After a controversial finish, all the fighters converge on the ring, and an all-out clothes-ripping catfight Battle Royale ensues.
If you were a fan of G.L.O.W., you may remember some of the fighters, although their names have been changed, presumably to avoid a lawsuit. (For example, “Brooklyn” is actually “Hollywood” from G.L.O.W.) Like G.L.O.W., there are comedy bits in between the matches. The jokes are almost always bad and were probably leftover from the Burlesque era, but you probably won’t care.
Oh, and did I mention none other than Traci Lords herself is the commentator who makes cheeky wisecracks throughout the matches? And that the referee impersonates several celebrities (including… who else? Sylvester Stallone!) to try to score a date with her? What more can you ask for?
Lords also appeared in the similar Foxy Boxing a few years prior.
AKA: Stallone’s Knockouts: A Valentine’s Day Massacre.
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