Jane Fonda gets most of the credit for kickstarting America’s interest in workout videos in the ‘80s, but I argue that Ron Harris is just as influential of a figure. Unlike Jane, who was front-and-center of her videos, Ron worked behind the scenes. Maybe it was his male gaze that made the Aerobicise series a landmark. Maybe it was the simplicity of the concept. Whatever the secret sauce was, Aerobicise was truly a staple of every boy growing up in the ‘80s.
Most workout videos are filmed on sets that either mimic a gym or a living room. The idea is that they are inviting the viewer into the world of the tape and making them a part of the exercising experience. What made Harris’s series unique is that the women were all filmed in a white void. I think the idea was that it would allow the viewer to concentrate on the performers and the exercises without any other visual stimuli getting in the way. This would allow them to better understand the techniques and the motions of the participants. Since the women were all hot and wearing sexy skintight workout attire, it was hard for any red-blooded male viewer to concentrate on anything else. That innovation is what sets the series apart from its contemporaries.
Let’s face it. Men watched these things for the women. Whenever you see a clip from the show popping up in a movie (most notably Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter), it’s a male chauvinist pig who’s typically watching it. The visual cue is a shorthand to inform the audience that information without the necessity of dialogue.
Now, I get a kick from watching old workout videos from the ‘80s. Maybe that makes me a pig too. However, I think enough time has passed where we can view this sort of thing as video anthropology and marvel at the retro outfits and appreciate it as highly stylized ‘80s ephemera.
The tape is light on instruction. What narration we do get more or less states the obvious. (“Twist!”, “Stretch!”, “Reach!”) Oh, and the narrator has a sexy woman’s voice, if you had any confusion as to who the intended audience was.
The tape is broken up into two episodes. The first half begins with a “Warm-Up” consisting of head rolls, stretching, and light aerobics. Then it’s on to “Hands and Knees” exercises where you get down on all fours and gyrate wildly like a dog that just pissed on an electric fence. Next, it’s “Pelvics”, and if you ever needed proof that God exists and he’s a man, then look no further. “Aerobics” follows, and it’s full of enough jiggling and wiggling to get your heart rate going... and you don’t even need to leave the couch to do so.
Then it’s time to “Cool Down”. This is probably the most misleading segment. It’s supposed to be full of light stretching exercises to allow the body time to recover after a strenuous workout. What we are shown however, is a hot blonde sitting spread eagle on the floor rubbing her mound around backwards and forwards and every which way in between. Cool Down? I’m heating up over here! The last time I saw a woman do a Cool Down like that, I had to put dollar bills in her G-string. Not sufficiently cooled down from that activity, she proceeded to get on all fours like a dog and undulate wildly before kicking her legs high in the air. After making what looks like sexy snow angels on the ground, she contorts herself up like a nympho hobby horse and rocks back and forth. How anyone is supposed to perform all this as a “Cool Down” technique is beyond me. This is some serious Circe de Soliel shit. (And I loved every second of it.)
The second episode kicks off with another “Warm-Up” where two gorgeous models stand toe to toe and do a slinky little jazzercise dance routine. Then, it’s back to everyone’s favorite exercise, “Hands and Knees”. While the movements of the model in this segment can’t top the wild gyrations of the first Hands and Knees sequence, the stellar camerawork and editing make sure that her assets are impeccably displayed throughout. Next, it’s “Straddle Legs” where the model sits/lays on the floor and moves her legs like a broken windshield wiper. It takes a bit before we get to the “Straddle” portion of the exercise, but believe me, it’s worth it. That’s followed by “Sit-Ups”. This is another example where Harris’s genius is on display. He takes what in other workout tapes would’ve been a forgettable and boring exercise and thanks to the optimal camera placement, turns it into an erotic work of art. “Aerobics” is next. Two models perform acalisthenics routine consisting mostly of variations of Jumping Jacks. This is probably the most traditional segment of the entire tape and doesn’t feature much of the unhinged qualities I typically enjoy. That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” though. Just traditional. The final segment is another “Cool Down” routine. It’s a stretching routine that might give Mr. Fantastic issues, especially the part where the model sticks her head between her legs and is about THIS close to kissing her own ass.
The models, of course, are all beautiful. One of them is Darcy De Moss from Friday the 13th Part 6. (The Jason theme continues!) They really deserve as much credit for the show’s success as Harris because they are among the most limber ladies it’s been my pleasure to watch in a workout tape.
The camerawork is exquisite too. By “exquisite”, I mean it captures a lot of shots of cleavage and jiggling buttocks. The rhythmic motions of the models, combined with the subliminally hypnotic editing and soothing narration makes the whole thing play like ASMR. And I don’t mean Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. I’m talking about Awesome Shit Men Respond to.
You will not find Aerobicise: The Ultimate Workout in the MoMA. It is not in The Criterion Collection. It is not part of the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry. I hope this review will change all that.
Harris later took the concept and sexed it up even more with Totally Nude Aerobics.
No comments:
Post a Comment