ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS: BLOOD OF THE LEOPARD (1993) *** ½

Lin Chung (Tony Ka Fai Leung) is a benevolent soldier and Kung Fu expert.  His beautiful wife (Joey Wang) catches the eye of a sleazy lowlife who also happens to be the pampered son of a high ranking general.  Meanwhile, Lin Chung befriends an obnoxious but knowledgeable Kung Fu monk named Ru (Elvis Tsui) and the pair becomes inseparable.  After Chung is framed for an attempted assassination, he is punished and sent to the front line of battle.  While he is away, his wife is killed by her stalker.  Naturally, Chung and Ru go out for revenge. 

Based on the Chinese classic, The Water Margin (which had been filmed many times before), this ‘90s version of the historical Kung Fu epic has a little something for everybody.  There’s romance, comedy, drama, and of course, lots of action.  The various sword fights and Kung Fu battles are handled with a lot of pizzazz and feature some impressive and frenetic wirework.  We even get a couple of brief (but choice) gory moments as there is at least one memorable beheading scene and one semi-comic bit in which a guy is cut in half lengthwise. 

The dynamic between Ru, Ching, and his wife is what sets All Men are Brothers apart from similar action epics of the era.  There's a funny scene where the monk spends the night at our hero’s house and has a quiet Kung Fu duel with his host, so they won’t wake up his wife.  Her reactions aren’t too different from a wife who has to put up with her husband and his best drinking buddy.  Except instead of pounding cans of Budweiser, these guys just Kung Fu one another at all hours of the night.  Tsui gets some solid laughs as Ru and together with Leung, they make an amusing team.  Their camaraderie and chemistry helps make this one a real winner. 

AKA:  The Water Margin:  The True Colors of Heroes.  AKA:  The True Colors of a Hero.  AKA:  Waterside Story:  Heroic Character. 

THE LATE LATE LATE SHOW (199?) **

The Late Late Late Show is one of the lesser Something Weird compilations.  It’s mostly an assemblage of trailers for Eurospy movies (Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom), but it’s padded out with assorted odds and ends from various other genres.  There are ads for Westerns (The Fury of the Apaches, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Duel of Fire), Viking flicks (King of the Vikings), war pictures (Escape from Saigon), jungle movies (Prisoners of the Jungle), sword and sandal epics (Messalina, Hercules of the Desert), and swashbucklers (Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea).   

It ends with a short called The Gentleman in Room 6, which is told entirely in first person POV.  The gimmick is used to conceal the main character’s identity until the last shot, but you’ll probably figure out who it is long before then.

I certainly give it points for finding trailers for so many rare films.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve heard of, let alone seen any of the titles featured in this collection.  While I can’t say it’s great, it’s still worth a look, if only because there are more trailers for obscure movies here than you can shake a stick at.  I will say that “obscure” doesn’t necessarily translate into “entertaining”.  Most of the trailers are tepid at best, so fans of more exploitative fare might want to skip this one.  Some previews are heavily padded with publicity stills like Duel of Fire and Operation Gold Ingot.  Also, the biggest names here are Fernando Lamas, Eddie Constantine (who appears most frequently), and Aldo Ray, which adds to the obscure vibes. 

Only you know for sure if you can stand an hour or so of ho-hum espionage trailers.  The problem is that there is a sameness to many of the trailers (including the use of similar fonts and the same announcer’s voice frequently reappearing), which makes the hour-long running time feel a bit longer.  If, however, you do have a very particular itch to scratch, then The Late Late Late Show is just the salve you’re looking for. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Fury of the Apaches, Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom, M.M.M. 83, X-Ray of a Killer, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Eyes of the Sahara, Dangerous Agent, King of the Vikings, Duel of Fire, Walls of Fear, Stranger from Hong-Kong, Killer Spy, Secret File 1413, Operation Gold Ingot, Escape from Saigon, Headlines of Destruction, The Black Monocle, Death Pays in Dollars, Sergeant X of the Foreign Legion, Nest of Spies, Prisoners of the Jungle, Messalina, Hercules of the Desert, Sea Fighters, Destination Fury, Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea, and The Gentleman in Room 6. 

ART OF WAR (1978) **

A guy moseys into town and befriends two fugitives.  When a slaver murders their favorite street vendor in cold blood, they team up with the cook’s son to get revenge.  Adding to the urgency of the situation is the fact that our hero’s fiancée has also been kidnapped by the slaver. 

The comedy portions of Art of War are brutally unfunny and are often a chore to get through.  In an especially unbelievable scene, one of the comic relief sidekicks plays a trick on our hero and pisses on his head.  This of course makes them best friends.  What the actual fuck.  In most Kung Fu movies that would normally get the guy a first-rate ass-kicking, but here it’s a heartwarming scene of male bonding. 

The fight scenes are… fine.  They wouldn’t make or break the movie one way or the other anyway.  They certainly would’ve played better without all the comedy sound effects.  In fact, the fights feel secondary to all the comic relief shenanigans.  (The guys all have goofy names like Plum Flower, Crazy Sabre, and Wild Chicken, if that gives you an idea of what we’re dealing with here.)  Plus, the subtitles on the copy I saw were small, blurry, and hard to read (especially when they appear on top of a white background), which didn’t help matters at all. 

Still, I have a rule, and that’s if a movie can show me something I’ve never seen before, I can’t judge it too harshly.  Art of War has at least one jaw-dropping scene that’s worthy of praise.  I’m talking about the part where the street vendor is killed.  The villain takes a bite of chicken and finds a bone in it.  Disgusted, he spits the bone out and it impales the guy in the middle of the forehead, killing him instantly.  The rest of the flick ain’t so hot, but that scene is finger-licking good. 

AKA:  Kung Fu Means Fists, Strikes and Swords.

LAST REVENGE OF THE DRAGON (1978) **

A brash Kung Fu fighter can’t wait to step in the ring with the champ (Bolo Yeung), so he mops the floor with him at the press conference for everyone to see.  The embarrassed promoter, who happens to be a feared underworld figure, retaliates by having the fighter’s brother severely beaten.  This sets off a chain of increasingly violent reprisals between the two families.  The families eventually decide to settle the matter with an old school karate match. 

Last Revenge of the Dragon suffers from way too much soap opera drama with our hero’s family.  The brother character alone has one too many subplots as he has a problematic drug habit AND a white girlfriend his family doesn’t approve of.  Either of these subplots would’ve sufficed.  Having both just slows things down.  (If it was the main character who had all that drama going on, I might’ve felt differently.)  On the plus side, the scene where the brother tries to detox from weed is some Reefer Madness type shit. 

It’s a shame the film is overburdened with so much family drama because the fights themselves are pretty decent.  (I liked the scene where the hero’s brother in-law grabs a bat to avenge his disgraced daughter.)  I just don’t think the plot with two rival families lent itself to the Kung Fu genre.  It probably would’ve worked better as a straight gangster picture.  It’s especially a shame that Bolo disappears so early into the film because he’s really the only one in the cast that has an intimidating presence.  

For everything the movie does right, it has at least one lumbering subplot with the family that gets in the way.  The finale where our hero rides his motorcycle into the rival family’s dojo is admittedly cool.  I just wish we didn’t have to sit through the bullshit with his siblings’ out of control gambling, drug addiction, reckless partying, relationship woes, parenting problems, etc. to get to it. 

AKA:  The Big Family.  AKA:  The Godfather’s Kung Fu Family.  AKA:  Wu Tang Gambinos.  AKA:  Last Challenge of the Dragon.

LABYRINTH OF DEATH (1989) ***

Labyrinth of Death is an odd but enormously entertaining horror comedy Kung Fu flick.  It’s apparently a sequel to a movie I’ve never seen called Mystery of Chess Boxing, which is probably why it didn’t make a lot of sense to me.  Fortunately, the filmmakers know that a movie doesn’t have to make sense if the action never lets up.  I can even forgive it for being called Labyrinth of Death even though it doesn’t feature a labyrinth of death.  

Evil King is a big-toothed vampire who goes around attacking people.  He is trapped by a beautiful swordswoman in a cave where she also hides a kind vampire family who are misunderstood by the neighboring village.  Seven hundred years later, a priest accidentally awakens them from their slumber. His granddaughter knows the family aren’t evil and sets out to protect them from both her grandfather and the Evil King. 

One thing is for sure, this flick is never boring as it contains non-stop action.  Usually when I say, “non-stop action”, it’s a generalization, but in Labyrinth of Death there is hardly a single dialogue scene that doesn’t involve fighting or at least vampires hopping around.  The fight scenes are fast paced and frantic and feature some wacky wirework and cheesy choreography.  In fact, the only scene that didn’t feature any Mung Fu is the part where the grandpa plays mahjong with some vampires.  The comedy fights with the little kid vampire are amusing too.  (There’s a scene where he pisses and farts on his attackers.)  The running joke where every time someone accidentally grabs the vampire mom’s boob, her husband hops over and smacks her is a bit weird though. 

The effects are pure cornball, but they add to the goofy vibe.  The colorful lightning, light swords, and glowing crossbows the characters use are definitely low rent, yet they are a lot of fun.  The villain’s lair set is cool too.  The poorly translated subtitles are good for a laugh as well.  My favorite line was, “Unmatured kid!  Try your best power!”

AKA:  Vampire Strikes Back.  AKA:  Chess Boxing Matrix.  AKA:  Chivalric Tornado.  

MONSTER MANIA (1997) ***

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark introduces this hour-long special devoted to classic monster movies.  Jack Palance acts as host (he appears on a colorful mad scientist lab set) and narrates over clips of films from various eras.  While there are some obvious exclusions, they do manage to cover a lot of territory in a short amount of time.  Palance discusses films from the silent era (Thomas Edison’s Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and Nosferatu), the ‘30s (Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, etc.), the ‘40s (The Wolf Man, Return of the Vampire, The Phantom of the Opera, etc.), the aliens of the ‘50s (It Came from Outer Space, War of the Worlds, Invaders from Mars, etc.), Hammer horror (Horror of Dracula, The Mummy, The Curse of Frankenstein, etc.), the Poe adaptations of the ‘60s (House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Masque of the Red Death, etc.), the ‘70’s (The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Omen, etc.), spoofs (The Phantom of the Paradise, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, etc.), Sci-Fi monsters (Alien, Predator, The Fly, etc.), slashers (Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street), and the revival of classic monsters from the ‘90s (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Wolf, etc.)  There are also segments devoted to Lon Chaney, how television in the ‘50s introduced monster movies to a new generation of fans, and the merchandising of classic movie monsters. 

Originally airing on American Movie Classics (back when they actually showed movies that were American classics), Monster Mania doesn’t exactly break any new ground.  If you’ve seen similar documentaries/clip show packages, you’ll probably be familiar with all the titles being discussed.  They also resort to using clips from trailers to save money.  That’s not the worst thing in the world as the trailers are fairly iconic in their own right (like Bela Lugosi presiding over the preview for Mark of the Vampire).  I did find it odd that they showed clips of Dracula’s Daughter but not Bride of Frankenstein. 

While Monster Mania may be far from the definitive classic horror documentary, it remains a fun trip down memory lane.  Palance’s sincere intonation adds gravitas to the proceedings, although he isn’t above making a quip every now and then.  (Like when he calls The Wolf Man “the scariest and hairiest monster of all time!”)  Besides, I never pass down an opportunity to see Elvira, especially in something like this, even if it’s only briefly. 

DARK MISSION: FLOWERS OF EVIL (1988) **

I watched this movie just because it had Brigitte Lahaie in it, but I had no idea it starred the two Chrises.  Middling cinephiles will probably ask, “Which two Chrises?  Pine?  Evans? Hemsworth?”  The real ones know who I’m talking about… Lee and Mitchum!

Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent by his boss Richard Harrison to find Christopher Lee in South America.  Seems he was a former lieutenant for Castro and has now set himself up as a drug kingpin.  Trouble brews when Mitchum starts romancing Lee’s daughter (Cristina Higueras). 

I know it’s called “Dark” Mission, but why keep the beautiful Brigitte in the shadows for 2/3 of the movie?  She plays Mitchum’s contact who has a knack for remaining cloaked in darkness while delivering her messages.  At least she performs her big dramatic scene while wearing a string bikini.  She also looks the part while playing Rambo in her jungle action scenes, although it’s ultimately too little too late. 

That’s the big issue with the film.  Though the cast is great, the film itself is painfully low on action.  The side jaunt to a mental hospital where Higueras witnesses the impact of drugs on young people firsthand really slows things down to a crawl.  The final battle sequence is also incomprehensibly edited to boot, and the aspect ratio changes in nearly every single shot, which gets annoying.  (It leads me to suspect Franco probably poached the helicopter scenes from another movie.)

As for the two Chrises, Mitchum equips himself as well as could be expected and Lee lends the film a touch of dignity and class it probably didn’t deserve.  Most of the fun comes from seeing the usually reserved Harrison acting up a storm.  He goes hilariously over the top during the scenes where he chews out Mitchum. 

It’s mostly an unruly hodgepodge, but Dark Mission:  Flowers of Evil might make for lightweight, undemanding entertainment for fans of either Chris.  

AKA:  Dark Mission:  Evil Flowers.  AKA:  Dark Mission.  AKA:  Columbian Connection.

TEENAGE TURMOIL VOL. 1 (2000) ***

Something Weird presented this collection of industrial shorts from the ‘50s aimed at and centered around teenagers and prospective juvenile delinquents.  Some of these may be familiar to fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  While the shorts themselves vary in entertainment value, you can still get a kick out of the antiquated advice and outdated attitudes. 

“Make Way for Youth” (narrated by Melvyn Douglas) is about a boy who dies in a gang fight.  His father is the editor of the paper and writes an open letter stating that racism and prejudice was the true cause of his son’s death.  The town decides to give the teens their own “youth council” so they can address their issues pertaining to them. 

This one starts out okay, and the delinquent riot is well done.  However, from there it quickly becomes a teenage version of C-SPAN.  I did like the part where they called “an emergency wiener roast meeting”.

“The Cool Hot Rod” has a young hot rodder moving to a small town.  Almost immediately, he gets busted for speeding.  Instead of facing a courtroom of adults, he is sentenced to a traffic school run by other teenagers who enlighten him in the ways of safe driving. 

This one is fairly solid.  Like the last short, it’s set in an odd town where the teens seemingly have as much power and control as the adults.  There are also cameos by racing stars of the day, but I bet you’ve never heard of them. 

“Making the Most of Your Face” follows the exploits of three teenage girls who try to make themselves more presentable.  Their Home Economics teacher (who also acts as narrator) helps them initiate skincare regimens, find hairstyles that complement their face shape, and apply make-up. 

This one is short and sweet and the narration is full of howlers.  I especially liked the blunt way the narrator laid it on the line for poor Mary:  “Mary’s skin needs CARE!”

“What to Do on a Date” finds the shy Nick asking Kay out on a date to a scavenger sale.  Once there, he and his friend try to come up with more places to take his gal. 

Most of the fun from this short comes from what an awfully awkward dullard Nick is.  I also got a big laugh from when he suggested taking Kay to a weenie roast.  Something tells me he’s going to have to wait a long time before Kay will ever look at his weenie, let alone roast it. 

In “What About Juvenile Delinquency”, a boy quits a gang when he learns his fellow members beat up his father.  He is then invited to speak at an emergency meeting about juvenile delinquency. 

This is another one that’s pretty entertaining, mostly because of the contrived plot and maudlin acting.  Add to that the fact that many of the so-called teenagers look about forty, and you have yourself a recipe for cheesy goodness.  Too bad the ending is an open-ended cop-out. 

The next short, “The Show Off” is about Jim, a smart aleck and class clown.  His hijinks soon give the entire junior class a bad rap.  The class representatives are soon tasked with dealing with the situation.  

It’s funny how bent out of shape the adults get when Jim hoists a sign that says, “Yea Juniors”.  Imagine if he did something you know, shocking.  Like the previous short, it all ends with an unsatisfying “what would YOU do?” cop-out, which is disappointing. 

The final filmstrip is “The Innocent Party”.  Don and his pal pass up a chance to see a movie (Rio Bravo) to go out on the town with some girls with loose morals.  Don winds up catching syphilis, much to the horror of his best gal, Betty. 

This is the only color short in the bunch and features a few of the same actors from some of the other shorts.  The adult subject matter also helps make for a good change of pace.  All in all, it’s an entertaining (if downbeat) way to end the compilation. 

I BURN ALL OVER (1979) ***

Brigitte Lahaie and her boyfriend Didier Aubriot go to a disco where he picks up Susan Hemingway.  He takes her back to their hotel where they have a three-way.  Afterwards they knock poor Susan out and sell her into slavery.  When the couple learns Hemingway is the daughter of a millionaire, they set out to re-kidnap her and collect a ransom for themselves. 

Jess Franco’s I Burn All Over isn’t as cheap as some of his other productions.  It does however start off with a memorable cost-cutting move as the opening credits are spoken aloud by narrators with echoed voices.  That way, Franco didn’t have to pay someone to use a title generator.  (Ironically, the trailer is nothing but the title with a narrator speaking over it as no footage from the film is ever shown.)

Your movie doesn’t really need a budget though when you have Brigitte Lahaie.  She looks incredible throughout and delivers a solid performance as well.  Franco is smart enough to know if she has to have a monologue that’s important to the plot, you might as well have her deliver it while totally nude. 

In general, the scenes with Lahaie are the most entertaining, but the sequences with Hemingway in the orgy den have their moments.  The first time she is thrown into the bowels of the slave pit and the drug-addled captives converge on the new recruit to give her a test spin is certainly hot.  There’s also a random scene where a woman bangs her own reflection in the mirror. 

I Burn All Over has a decent twist ending, but I was a little disappointed how Lahaie’s character was so abruptly and unceremoniously removed from the narrative.  That shouldn’t stop the Franco faithful from checking it out though as it has all the obligatory camera zooms of a woman’s crotch you could ask for in an Uncle Jess movie.  Many of the numerous sex scenes flirt with XXX territory too, which doesn’t hurt either. 

It’s Aida (Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun) Vargas as the madam who gets the best line of the movie when describing Hemingway: “Her cunt is like a passion fruit!”

EDGE OF FURY (1978) ***

Bruce Li stars as a chauffeur to a wealthy businessman.  When his employer is executed for drug smuggling, Bruce remains loyal to the family, if only to look after his boss’s young son.  Bruce comes into possession of an amended version of his boss’s will and soon, everyone comes after Bruce trying to get their hands on it. 

Even though Edge of Fury takes place in modern times, its themes of honor and loyalty would feel right at home in a period Kung Fu movie.  I liked how Bruce still had his boss’s back after he went to jail, even if it lost him the respect of the community, who see him as being guilty by association.  You know, resonant thematic material is great and all, but it’s not really worth a whole lot unless Bruce is kicking ass.  I’m happy to report the movie contains plenty of scenes of Li doing just that. 

Most of the fights involve Bruce taking on several henchmen at the same time, including one nicely choreographed sequence atop of a stack of shipping containers.  He also has a memorable brawl when he beats up a gang of thugs for talking shit about his sick mother.  He gives a good performance too (he even cries at one point), which is something I wasn’t expecting.  Heck, even the little kid is amusing.  In most of these things, the child actors act like little brats, but the scene where he catches his stepmom kissing a villain and proceeds to kick their butts is a lot of fun. 

If Edge of Fury has a fault, it’s that the final showdown isn’t quite as exciting as the fight scenes that came before.  It also suffers from an abrupt ending, although you can say that about plenty of other Kung Fu flicks of the era.  Those quibbles aside, this remains one of Li’s best efforts and fans of the man should absolutely check it out. 

AKA:  Hong Kong Connection.

THE TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA (1980) **

Sister Virginia (Zora Kerova, who is probably best known as the actress who was hung up on hooks in Cannibal Ferox) is elected to the position of Mother Superior of her convent.  Meanwhile, a horny nobleman (Mario Cutini) conspires with a disreputable priest (Franco Garafalo) to get into her pants.  After the rich dude rapes Virginia, she eventually winds up falling in love with the guy (it’s one of those deals).  Trouble brews when she becomes pregnant and the nobleman and the priest try to cover the scandal up. 

The True Story of the Nun of Monza tells a story that has been told many times before, but this time it’s told by Bruno Mattei. Because of that, you probably already know what (not) to expect. 

The opening scene is sure to raise some eyebrows though as graphic shots of horses fucking are intercut with scenes of a nun being consecrated.  This is about as crazy as the movie gets, sadly.  (Don’t worry, there’s no Emanuelle in America-style of equestrian hijinks here.)  That said, the film does at least have enough skin to make it watchable.  One scene involves a nun being whipped for having a dream about blowing the Lord and savior.  I also dug the part where Virginia does penance by wearing a bra padded with thorns.  The occasional orgy scene doesn’t hurt either. 

These moments don’t amount to much in the long run, however.  Unfortunately, Mattei and screenwriter Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso can’t seem to bring it all together in a satisfying way.  The dramatic portions are especially pokey and the political maneuvering and double crossing between the nuns and priests is kind of dull.  It all ends with deceit, double crossing, and eventually murder, but you might find yourself tuning out by then.  To his credit, Mattei does deliver a gnarly scene where rats are found feasting on a nun’s corpse. 

WRESTLING WOMEN USA! (2001) ***

Before Lingerie Fighting Championships, before mud wrestling, and even before G.L.O.W., there were female grapplers on Saturday Night Wrestling.  This compilation from Something Weird features six matches from the early days of women’s wrestling.  While it isn’t “weird” exactly, it’s certainly something.

First up is a bout between Lili Bitter and June Byers and it features a nice mix of body slams, hammerlocks, and hair tosses.  Next, Cora Combs locks horns with Lorraine Johnson in a match complete with headlocks, hip tosses, and full Nelsons.  The match between Clara Mortenssen and Rita Martinez eschews the typical play by play commentary in favor of dialogue by two fans over the match.  (They sort of sound like Amos ‘n Andy.)  It doesn’t help that the match itself is mostly confined to the mat as it involves lots of leg locks and scissor holds.  The two bleacher bums continue their conversation throughout the next match between “The Blonde Ballerina” and June O’Day.  Their banter is annoying once again, but at least there is a decent amount of action in the match. 

The bout between Ella Walldeck and Jane Mull is a lot of fun as it is full of reversals, dirty tricks, and fast paced action.  Curiously, it’s a two out of three match but only one round is shown. The final match is a tag team bout.  Betty Hawkins and Carrie Majors square off against Ida May and Violet Vian.  It’s probably the liveliest match in the collection and features lots of unsportsmanlike conduct.  However, as with the previous match, only one of the scheduled three falls is shown. 

For fans of moldy relics of sports history, Wrestling Women USA! will scratch a very specific itch.  Even as a fan of this sort of thing, I kind of wish the presentation was a bit better.  The camerawork is static for the most part, but that’s just how it was back in those days.  (The camerawork during the Blonde Ballerina match isn’t bad though.)  The fact that these matches have been preserved as well as they have is what’s really important.  Despite its shortcomings, some of the bouts manage to be quite fun. 

AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes of the Fifties Vol. 1.  AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes Vol. 1. 

IMAGES IN A CONVENT (1979) *** ½

Isabella (Paola Senatore) is a spoiled Countess who is squirreled away inside a convent to keep her from getting it on with her pervert uncle.  She’s only there for a hot minute before she’s flashing her boobs at the Mother Superior.  Meanwhile, the horny Sisters that inhabit the convent begin fooling around with one another.  Are they naturally naughty nuns or are they being influenced by a sinister Satanic statue that stands in the courtyard of the convent?  Sexual tensions flare further when a wounded man arrives on the scene seeking shelter (and sex). 

Images in a Convent is a tawdry and highly entertaining entry in the Nunsploitation genre.  The all-time maestro of Italian sleaze, Joe D’Amato was at the helm of this bad boy, and his unmistakable fingerprints are all over the material.  The scenes of the nuns flagrantly breaking their vow of chastity by tossing off their habits and getting down and dirty with each other are a lot of fun.  The highlight (for me anyway) came when the Mother Superior whips a nun and then licks her wounds.  In addition to the scenes of the sapphic sisters gleefully doing the horizontal mambo, D’Amato also delivers some XXX action during the scene where a pair of thieves have their way with a nun in the woods. 

The stuff that holds the sex scenes together is less engaging.  The worst thing I can say about the movie is that the whole thing feels episodic.  Thankfully, those episodes that contain hot nun on nun action are well worth watching. 

The only name I recognized in the credits was Donald (Doctor Butcher M.D.) O’Brien, who plays a priest who shows up late in the game to perform an exorcism on the entire convent.  (There’s even a generic sounding knockoff of “Tubular Bells” that accompanies him in a few scenes.)  Although I didn’t really know the ladies in the cast by sight (many of whom also appeared in Emanuelle in America for D’Amato), they are all quite good, especially during the epic nun free for all that concludes the picture. 

In short, Uncle Joe certainly blessed fans of sleazy cinema when he made Images in a Convent.

STORY OF A CLOISTERED NUN (1975) ** ½

Story of a Cloistered Nun begins with a scene where two babies are married to unite their family’s interests.  I’ve heard of relatives playing matchmaker before, but this is ridiculous. 

One of the babies grows up to be the headstrong Carmela (Eleonora Giorgi), who rejects being betrothed without her consent.  Her family then has no recourse but to send her off to a nunnery.  As soon as she walks in the door, the nuns are eagerly ripping her clothes off and pawing at her.  Despite this, Carmela eventually gets used to her surroundings.  Meanwhile, the horny Sister Elizabeth (Catherine Spaak) has special privileges like the ability to sneak men into the convent for a little hanky-panky and hold late night costume parties.  Elizabeth takes a shine to the new nun, but when Carmela rebuffs her advances, Sister Elizabeth sets out for revenge. 

Story of a Cloistered Nun has its moments, but it kind of stops and sputters in between the good stuff.  There’s a decent whipping, some female cross dressing, and a great scene where a nun sasses Mother Superior (Suzy Kendall from The Bird with the Crystal Plumage) and she punishes her by making the sister clean the floor with her tongue.  Some viewers (okay, maybe just me) would’ve probably been happier if the sleaze quotient had been cranked up a notch.  I mean there’s some blasphemous stuff here (like a nun having a baby), but nothing you have to say three Hail Marys for after the movie’s over. 

Giorgi has several nude scenes, which helps, but Kendall is kind of wasted.  Likewise, Spaak is kind of fun, although she never quite gets the opportunity to play up her character’s sinning ways to the hilt.  Then again, this might be the only Nunsploitation movie I’ve seen that rips off Spartacus, so it has that going for it. 

AKA:  Diary of a Cloistered Nun.  AKA:  The Diary of a Closeted Nun.  AKA:  Unholy Convent.  AKA:  Love Story of a Nun.

CRISTIANA DEVIL NUN (1972) ** ½

The opening scene where Cristiana (Toti Achilli) is making love to her boyfriend Luca (Gerardo Rossi) on an airplane is pretty wild.  Characters entering the “Mile High Club” in movies isn’t exactly something new.  However, most characters opt for the privacy of the lavatory.  Here, Cristiana and her man plow away openly in their seats while the other passengers root them on.  One guy even times them!  Incredible. 

But wait, it gets better.  After their roll in the hay, the plane experiences turbulence and goes into a nosedive.  Cristiana grabs the nearest nun she can find and vows to give up her sinning ways and enter a convent if God will save the plane.  Wouldn’t you just know it?  That’s exactly what happens. 

True to her word, Cristiana heads off to a convent.  It doesn’t take long though for her to regret her decision, and soon she’s hooking up with a horny nun named Leonora (Satanik’s Magda Konopka).  Eventually, Luca comes looking for Cristiana, but Sister Leonora manages to turn his head, which leads to heartbreak.  Cristiana then flees the convent and plows headlong into a life of sin. 

The title is sort of a misnomer because Cristiana really isn’t a “devil” nun, she’s more of a horny nun.  Then again, the title was probably changed to cash in on the then-scandalous hit The Devils, which was also about horny nuns.  Of the naughty nun scenes, one of my favorites was the part where Cristiana and her lover find a way to make love in the bell tower and keep the bells ringing while they’re knocking the boots.  There are also some hardcore insert shots that help spice the sex scenes up. 

Fans of Nunsploitation movies (like me) will be disappointed by the third act though.  It’s here where things kind of run out of gas.  While it still features a fair amount of sleaze, it just doesn’t have the same kick to it as the hour that preceded it.  That’s mainly because Cristiana leaves the convent and heads off to be a sex worker like her mother.  Again, there’s plenty of T & A during this stretch of the film.  It’s just that it was a lot more fun when our heroine was in the habit, if you catch my drift.  The overwrought theme song is good for a laugh though. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Toti Achilli’s only film role.  (If IMDb is to be believed.)  She is excellent and doesn’t miss an opportunity to bare all.  She also has genuine chemistry with Konopka, who is quite good too.  At least Achilli got to show her stuff in this flick, so because of that, we should count our blessings. 

AKA:  Our Lady of Lust.  AKA:  Life of a Nympho.  AKA:  Loves of a Nymphomaniac.  AKA: Loves of a Nympho. 

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE IN 3-D (1983) ** ½

Steve Guttenberg stars as a low-level government worker who has a run-in with an invisible spy on his wedding day.  Before he dies, the invisible man gives Guttenberg the formula and almost immediately, Steve-O is wanted for murder.  He accidentally takes the formula, which turns him invisible too and with the help of his cute future sister in-law (Lisa Langlois), tries to get the formula back into the right hands. 

The Man Who Wasn’t There was one of the first movies I vividly remember seeing in the theater.  (I was five at the time.)  So, because of my memorable viewing experience, I may be looking at it through rose tinted 3-D glasses.  Even now, I can acknowledge the film has its fair share of problems, but the blast of nostalgia I get from watching it outweighs many (okay, some) of its shortcomings. 

The film was produced by Frank Mancuso, Jr. for Paramount, who had just made Friday the 13th 3-D for the studio the year before.  I have a feeling that the film may not have originally been conceived as a 3-D movie.  (They probably just used the flick as an excuse to crank out another 3-D movie with the existing technology.)  C’mon, let’s face it.  The idea of invisibility doesn’t really lend itself to the gimmick.  How can an invisible man be in 3-D if you can’t even see him?  Sure, some of the floating objects the invisible man is holding look kind of cool in a depth-of-field kind of way, but few of them ever cross the plane of the screen and out into the audience. 

The movie admittedly gets off to a rough start.  The opening slapstick fight between stereotypical foreign ambassadors (one of whom is played by Return of the Living Dead’s Don Calfa) is pretty embarrassing.  Luckily, the movie improves dramatically once Guttenberg becomes invisible. 

Guttenberg has charisma and is a likable presence, even if the material he’s been given is weak at times.  It’s Lisa Langlois who steals the movie though as his love interest.  She is a lot of fun to watch and probably deserved to be a bigger star.  Lisa also gets some good nude scenes, including when she takes the formula and reappears naked while being chased by two cops.  Then of course, there’s her memorable sex scene with Guttenberg while he’s invisible.  The rest of the supporting cast is pretty strong and includes Art Hindle, Jeffrey Tambor, and William Forsythe.

The film was directed by Bruce (Nighthawks) Malmuth (who also appears as a henchman), although nothing in his filmography suggests he can do comedy.  (He can’t, really.)  The comic car chases aren’t funny and go on too long to boot.  In fact, the whole movie really could’ve been trimmed down.  It’s nearly two hours long and probably would’ve played just fine at around ninety. 

The Invisibility effects are a mixed bag.  Some of the optical effects are good (like when the invisible man gets knifed), but a lot of the effects are the same shit they were doing back in the Claude Rains days.  (There are even a few visible wires when the invisible man is holding something.)  When the 3-D and the invisible effects DO work in harmony, the results are quite striking like when an invisible man blows smoke rings into the audience.  The scene where Guttenberg’s boxers are running around on their own is amusing too. 

Scenes like this really captured my imagination when I saw it on the big screen.  I saw many of the 3-D movies that came out around the same time including Spacehunter, Jaws 3-D, and Amityville 3-D, all of which in one way or another cemented my love for the gimmick at an impressionable age.  

Speaking of 3-D, while the effects aren’t particularly outstanding, there are enough of them to warrant seeing it in 3-D.  Malmuth certainly utilizes the effects more than many directors did during the late ‘00s 3-D boom.  The effects include: 

• 3-D Opening Titles

• 3-D Hors D’oeuvres 

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Knife

• 3-D Smoke Rings

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Invisibility Vial

• 3-D Telescopes (multiple)

• 3-D Falling Man

• 3-D Gun

• 3-D Confetti

Then of course, there’s the centerpiece scene where Guttenberg walks into the girls’ locker room and watches Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens shower.  This might have been the first instance of nudity I saw in a movie, and it’s certainly one I have never forgotten.  It probably also explains my devotion to those iconic Scream Queens.  (Another Scream Queen, Deborah Dutch also appears as a horny secretary.)

Ultimately, even for someone who has fond memories of the movie, The Man Who Wasn’t There is just too uneven to really work both conceptually and from an effects standpoint.  The 3-D is good enough to make me say if you end up seeing it in 2-D you’ll probably want to subtract a ½ * to the rating. 

Writer Stanford Sherman also wrote stone-cold classics like Krull and The Ice Pirates. 

ANACONDA (2024) ***

Did you know that the year before the Anaconda remake starring Jack Black came out there was a Chinese remake?  While it may fall short of the first two entries in the official franchise, it’s probably the second-best Anaconda remake ever made.  It’s certainly a notch or two above the SyFy Channel sequels, that’s for sure. 

A troupe of circus performers head down river to Thailand on a rickety boat through a jungle thought to be home to the mythical “Crimson Anaconda”.  On their voyage, they pick up a stowaway.  The caravan soon learns their new passenger is obsessed with capturing the snake and isn’t above using them as bait. 

Anaconda is far from perfect but it’s a breezy good time.  It clocks in at a brisk seventy-nine minutes and there isn’t a whole lot of fat, which is always appreciated in a killer snake movie.  In fact, the first five minutes has enough scenes of snakes swallowing people whole, puking out their corpses, and wrapping around their victims before crushing them to death to please just about any Anaconda fan out there.  There are also fun moments like when an explosion sends hundreds of snakes raining down on our heroes and a gnarly bit where a baby snake worms its way into a guy’s ear.  Plus, the CGI for the snake is miles better than most of the computer effects normally found in Chinese productions. 

Sure, some of the snake attack sequences get repetitive (especially towards the end).  I could’ve done without some of the lame comedy bits too (including a scene with a “zombie”).  I also was a bit letdown that these circus performers didn’t have an acrobat in the group.  Can you imagine how cool it would’ve been to see a trapeze artist swinging on vines to narrowly avoid becoming Snake Chow?  Oh well.  At any rate, Anaconda certainly isn’t boring and boasts a fairly sturdy body count.  It’s no Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but it’ll do in a pinch. 

AKA:  Anacondas.  AKA:  Anaconda:  Cursed Jungle.

AGONY OF LOVE (1966) ***

Pat (Orgy of the Dead) Barrington is being chased down Hollywood Boulevard by a man and pauses long enough to wonder how she ever got in this mess.  Flashbacks explain how.  Seems she was a lonely housewife who made extra cash on the side by turning tricks while her husband was busy at the office.  Stifled by her boring life, being used by men is the only thing that brings her joy.  It may also ultimately bring about her demise. 

Directed by William (Street of a Thousand Pleasures) Rotsler, Agony of Love almost plays like a seedier version of a Joe Sarno movie.  It uses the lonely housewife motif Sarno was fond of, but Rotsler is able to avoid some of the soap opera style trappings of Sarno’s work.  Rotsler seems equally curious about his heroine’s fractured psychological state as he is with her sexual exploits.  Take for instance the arty dream scene where her Johns cover her in an unending stream of money.  In most exploitation movies, this sort of sequence would act more or less as padding.  Here, it helps to underline the inner workings of our main character’s mental anguish.  He also offers up some cool location work on Hollywood Boulevard.

It doesn’t all click.  The comic relief scene where the fat guy pays Barrington to strip while he stuffs his face kind of feels out of place, especially when compared to the heartfelt moments Barrington has in the psychiatrist’s office.  The twist ending is predictable too, but it is appropriate and works about as well as you could hope. 

These are relatively minor qualms in the long run.  First and foremost, the film is a fine showcase for Barrington and her incredible physique.  She also gets to show genuine dramatic range throughout the movie and has several opportunities to spout some terrific dialogue like, “You bought me, I’ll do anything you want!“ and “Hurt me!  Dirty me!  Just do it!” (even though her voice is dubbed). 

AKA:  From Lady to Tramp.

SWINGERS MASSACRE (1974) ***

Charlie (James R. Sweeney) is a successful lawyer who wants his wife Amy (Jan Mitchell) to join a swingers’ club.  She resists at first, but after a thoroughly unsatisfying night in bed with her hubby, she finally relents.  When the couple attend a swingers’ party, Charlie is unable to get it up for the ladies.  Amy on the other hand really wows the guys in the bedroom.  Enraged by the wives’ taunting and infuriated by the husbands’ lust for Amy, Charlie snaps and sets out to murder the swingers one by one. 

Swingers Massacre offers up an interesting way to do a revenge thriller.  Instead of avenging his wife’s honor, Charlie is taking out his sexual frustrations on his victims.  Because of that, we aren’t rooting for him, and our sympathies lie with the victims.  That little wrinkle also makes it play a bit like a proto-slasher movie. 

Despite the title and the premise, the film isn’t quite as sleazy as you may anticipate.  I’m not saying it’s a masterclass in restraint, but there is a modicum of craft here.  That said, I could understand if some walked away from this one feeling a tad disappointed.  I liked it okay though as it had just enough T & A and murder to keep me entertained. 

There was no reason why it needed to be over a hundred minutes long though.  The subplot with the two cops also eats up a lot of screen time in the third act.  These scenes could’ve easily been devoted to more swingers being massacred, but it doesn’t completely derail the movie. 

Even if you don’t groove on its wavelength, you have to admit, Swingers Massacre functions nicely as a time capsule.  We get heavy doses of ‘70s aesthetic here from the font in the opening credits to the swinging score (no pun intended) that’s full of jazz flute solos.  The cast of ‘70s favorites like Al Adamson regular Gary Kent, and ‘70s sex starlets Rene Bond, Marsha Jordan, and Uschi Digard also help immensely.   

Oh, and it took me a while to recognize Sweeney, but I finally placed him as the priest from Nightmare Sisters!  (MST3K fans will also remember him as the security guard in Hobgoblins.)  He does a fine job as the tortured husband as he essays a fine transformation from horny asshole to impotent basket case.

AKA:  Inside Amy.  AKA:  Super Swinging Playmates.

TURA! (2025) ****

Tura! is an absorbing and heartfelt documentary about the iconic cult movie star Tura Satana, most famous for her role as Varla in Russ Meyer’s immortal classic, Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!  Written and directed by friend of The Video Vacuum, Cody Jarrett who also directed Tura in the great Sugar Boxx, it offers a whirlwind look at her tumultuous life.  Tura endured an unspeakable rape as a preteen and faced racism during WWII, and yet, she was somehow able to channel that pain and hate into a career as a burlesque dancer where she quickly became immensely popular. At the insistence of silent movie star Harold Lloyd, she took up acting and before long, she appeared in Faster, Pussycat, which cemented her legendary status. 

Some of her exploits play almost like a movie themself.  Just take a look at her romances with big name celebrities (most famously Elvis Presley) or the fact that she was actually able to get revenge on the men who raped her as a little girl.  Many actresses can only play a badass, but Tura was the genuine article onscreen and off. 

The interviewees are a nice mix of friends, family, and admirers.  John Waters is naturally front and center since it’s widely acknowledged that his proclamation that Faster, Pussycat was his favorite movie of all time is what helped give the film a second life.  We also have Ted V. Mikels, who directed Tura in The Astro-Zombies, as well as fellow Meyer actress (and Sugar Boxx co-star) Kitten Natividad.  Margaret Cho acts as our narrator and sometimes gives voice to Tura via entries in her diary.

Jarrett’s film cuts deeper than most documentaries on cult film stars.  It doesn’t shy away from the accounts of Santana’s assault and the racism she suffered.  There are also some rather revealing revelations that occur in the final act.  

Overall, this is one of the best documentaries I’ve seen in quite some time.  If you always thought Tura was a badass, you owe it to yourself to check this out.  Trust me, you only know half the story.