NAUGHTY DALLAS (1964) **

Small town girl Toni Shannon leaves her family and heads off to Dallas with dreams of becoming a dancer.  (“If I don’t get into show business, I’ll just come back home and pick cotton!”)  After spending a lot of time walking around “The Big D”, Toni eventually tries her hand at burlesque. 

Writer/director Larry (Mars Needs Women) Buchanan shot Naughty Dallas on location at a real strip club in Dallas.  It was shot silently, so the “plot” scenes are filled with long reams of narration from a narrator, Shannon, and other random characters.  People only shut their trap once the dancing finally occurs.  

Too bad many of the dance numbers are flatly filmed.  Peggy Steele is up first.  Buchanan basically plants the camera and lets the number play out.  It’s not very lively till the very end.  Up next is Jada, a vivacious redhead.  This number is a lot more energetic and at least features a little camera movement.  She’s followed by Susanna Long’s semi-comical routine where she removes about a dozen different skirts.  Then it’s the Moran Sisters, who dress like French maids.  If you’re into sisters AND French maids, then this routine is for you!  Colleen Conover is next, and her blasé attitude coupled with the constant cutaways to the leering patrons undermines the effectiveness of this sequence.  Finally, it’s Toni’s turn to shine!  Unfortunately, she gets cold feet about halfway through her performance and runs off stage.  After a pep talk from the star of the show, Kim Ataz (who does a Turkish themed dance), Toni’s confidence is restored. 

Ataz’s number is lively as it’s full of backbends and splits, but Buchanan doesn’t do her any favors by keeping the camera so far away from the stage.  Then Jada gives an encore performance, and it’s a fiery high-energy number.  If only the rest of the dances were of this caliber, Naughty Dallas could’ve been a real winner. 

The only segments with synchronized sound are the ones featuring the emcees and the burlesque comedians.  The first is a guy who plays banjo, who isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but I’ve certainly seen worse in these sorts of things. The next is a comedian who dresses like Mother Goose and does dirty rhymes.  I wonder if Andrew “Dice” Clay saw this. 

AKA:  Mondo Exotica.  AKA:  Life in the Raw.  AKA:  Naughty Cuties.

BONE LAKE (2025) ***

It takes a lot to make this jaded movie fan’s jaw drop, but let me tell you something folks, my jaw hit the floor before the words “Bone Lake” even appeared on screen.  Like, I know you can show a lot in movies nowadays, but I didn’t know you could show… THAT.  Having said that, I must now say that once my jaw returned to its normal state, it did not drop again.  Still, as far as attention getters go, the pre-title scene is a classic. 

Sage (Maddie Hasson) and Diego (Marco Piggosi) rent a luxurious Airbnb for a romantic getaway.  Much to their chagrin, another couple arrives claiming they have also booked the house.  At first, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nichita) seem kind of chill, so Sage and Diego grudgingly let them share the spacious mansion.  Eventually, the interlopers begin showing their true colors as they try to manipulate the vacationers into cheating on each other.  It doesn’t take long before the couple’s “game” turns deadly. 

Bone Lake is essentially a ‘90s “From Hell” thriller with a new coat of paint.  And the color of the paint is Blood Red.  This time, the gimmick is an Airbnb from Hell.  Now, the “double booked Airbnb” is fast becoming a standard trope in Hollywood these days.  Every time I see one of these things, I just think to myself, “Y’all would’ve been just fine if you stayed at a Holiday Inn instead.” 

A movie like this that has limited locations and a small cast pretty much lives and dies by the acting.  I’m glad to report that our core four came to play.  As the uptight couple, Piggosi and Hasson kind of look like Temu versions of Pedro Pascal and Florence Pugh.  They’re pretty good too.  Roe and Nichita are also fun as the couple who are hiding a secret.   

I already mentioned the crazy opening, but the finale is no slouch either as it contains at least two showstopping kills.  Although the first and last five minutes are applause-worthy, the middle eighty minutes or so, while solid, pales in comparison as it all plays more or less like a standard thriller.  It’s those bloody bookends that make it really stand out from the rest of the pack though.  

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025) ***

The I Know What You Did Last Summer movies have always lived in the shadow of the Scream franchise.  That’s why it was no surprise that when the Scream films gained renewed traction at the box office, we received word a new Summer flick was in the works.  Like 2022’s Scream, it’s a legacy sequel that uses the same title as the original. 

Five teens get high and drunk and inadvertently cause a passing car to go careening off a cliff.  They make a pact to never speak of the incident, and one year later, they begin receiving ominous messages claiming that someone knows what they did last summer.  Pretty soon, they are attacked by a killer dressed like a goth version of the Gorton’s Fisherman.  They then reach out to the survivors of the original Fisherman murders to help them survive. 

I had my guard down on this one.  I genuinely wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did.  The first kill scene where a dopey dude bro is attacked with a spear gun is a lot of fun.  The moment he tried bribing the killer with cryptocurrency I knew I was in for a good time. 

Yes, I Know What You Did Last Summer ’25 is dumb fun, and exactly in that order.  The kills are solid, the body count is healthy, and the leads are mostly likable.  (Madelyn Cline and Sarah Pidgeon are the two standouts.)  I always get a kick out of the unbelievable stupidity of characters in horror movies, but this one features some next level shit.  The best moment is when a guy turns down an opportunity to have rough sex with his girlfriend so he can… charge his phone!  Wow.  Another dude gets so drunk he walks right by the killer and doesn’t even notice him.  In fact, the killer stands IN FRONT OF A STATUE, and the guy still doesn’t see him.  Most of the time in these sorts of things, the killer will hide BEHIND something, but in this one he’s like RIGHT THERE and the guy is just fucking oblivious.  Some folks just get what they deserve, I guess.  Add in the hilarious way they resort to bringing an original cast member back from the dead and one of the dopiest killer reveals in recent memory (“You shouldn’t call me crazy.  It’s SOOOO reductive!”), and you got yourself some completely brainless, but highly entertaining slasher shenanigans. 

Look, I’m not saying this is some under the radar camp classic or anything.  What I am saying is I laughed longer and harder at this movie than most actual comedies.  For me at least, that’s enough. 

Original star Jennifer Love Hewitt gets the best lines like, “Nostalgia’s overrated!  Who cares!”  The callback to the original’s iconic, “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” is also liable to have you in stitches.  The biggest laugh though comes when Hewitt looks the new Final Girl dead in the face and asks, “WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SUMMER?!?”

THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE (2025) **

“Prosthetic butthole”. 

I read an interview recently where Amanda Seyfried said she wore a prosthetic butthole for this movie.  I am not lying when I say that the moment that sentence concluded, I added The Testament of Ann Lee to my watchlist.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will make me see a movie quicker than combining the words “Amanda Seyfried” and “prosthetic butthole”. 

Much to my chagrin, this is one of those movies that is set in the same mold as The VVitch where everyone speaks Olde English and whispers their dialogue in hushed tones.  There’s also a bunch of fancy period appropriate calligraphy during the chapter breaks and shit to remind you how slavish the production was to getting all the period details right.  To make matters worse, the prosthetic butthole is barely in it. Bummer. 

Seyfried stars as Ann, a deeply religious woman who eventually forms The Shakers.  They earn their moniker from the shaking and convulsing that the members exhibit when they are in the throes of religious ecstasy.  One prolonged bout of religious display gets Ann sent to jail and while imprisoned, she has powerful visions.  Imbued with the power of God, she sets out to spread her gospel to the New World. 

The most interesting aspect of the movie occurred early on when Ann’s husband, played by Christopher Abbott, tries some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her to mimic religious ecstasy in the bedroom.  I think this was the scene where she wore the prosthetic butthole, but we never really get a close-up of it.  I’m guessing it was less of a “prosthetic butthole” and more of an “ass merkin”.  Kind of a rip-off, if you ask me. 

Once Ann orders that all who become members of her sect must remain celibate, my interest started to wane.  The biggest problem though is all the musical numbers of parishioners dancing and gallivanting around.  Seyfried and company will randomly burst out into spiritual numbers in the middle of a scene, and the songs don’t really have any emotional and narrative resonance.  I’ve got to be honest with you, a little of this goes a long way. 

That said, I stuck with it to the bitter end.  And, yes, I was bitter that Amanda’s end wasn’t properly featured.  However, the fact that I kept watching this is a testament to my devotion to Seyfried. 

SUPER BOOBS VOL. 1 (199?) ** ½

This Something Weird compilation packs a bunch of shorts featuring buxom beauties into a two-hour block.  Some are better than others, as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  Then again, it’s hard to nitpick when many of the boobs on display are super.  You can’t accuse it of false advertising, that’s for sure.

Short #1:  “Untitled” A busty blonde does a striptease on a burlesque stage.  Her stilted routine and deer-in-headlights demeanor detract from this color short, but her upper body is definitely worthy of the collection’s moniker.  (**)

Short #2:  “Movie Model” This is a nudie loop featuring a short haired blonde disrobing in her living room.  Her massive mammaries are on full display for most of the running time and are the main focal point throughout.  Too bad the boorish droning British narrator takes a lot of the fun out of it. (** ½)

Short #3:  “The Big Bust” A topless maid pours herself a drink.  She eventually gets naked and writhes around on an animal pelt.  This one starts off well enough, but like the previous short, the narration doesn’t match the action, which quickly becomes irksome. (** ½)

Short #4:  “Untitled” An older looking model removes her negligee and poses for the camera.  Later, she dons different lingerie and strips out of that too.  If you can get past the fact the model isn’t very photogenic (she even has a tattoo, which is kind of rare for an old timey loop) you might enjoy it, if only because of her heavy hangers. (**)

Short #5:  “Buxom Blonde” A blonde in a Santa Claus hat strips, plays cards, does some stretching exercises, and makes a phone call.  This is another segment in which the annoying audio (taken from some random nudie movie) spoils much of the fun.  The model is extremely cute though, even if the short never takes full advantage of the Santa Claus motif. (** ½)

Short #6:  “The Sea Siren” A busty brunette chops wood topless.  She eventually decides her pants are interfering with her lumberjack duties and takes them off too.  She then goes for a dip in a nearby creek (not exactly the “sea”, but it’ll do in pinch).  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes a topless lumberjack.  Not only did it restore my faith in this collection, but it restored my faith in humanity as well.  Not only that, but the model kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe and has the best body in the entire compilation.  Oh, and to top it all off, the scene is partially backed by the great toe-tapping tune “The Right Kind” from The Kiss of Her Flesh.  What more can you ask for?  Super indeed! (****)

Short #7:  “The Forest Nymph” A woman wakes up beside a pond wearing nothing but a lei and a hula skirt.  She then proceeds to topless hula dance.  Every time she falls back asleep, she awakens wearing a different flimsy garment.  This one has a fun gimmick and the model’s enthusiasm looks genuine, making for a good time all around. (***)

Short # 8:  “Hold Me” A sexy redhead disrobes on a chez lounge.  The use of the Something Weird favorite, “Hot Blooded Woman” synchs up pretty well here.  It’s enough to make you wish they only used songs and instrumentals from their other releases and scrapped all the dialogue snippets. (****)

Short # 9:  “Slightly High” A classy dame strips while lounging in bed.  She then changes into a sheer nightgown (but not for long).  This is a simple, but effective loop made memorable by a genuinely sexy model. (***)

Short #10:  “Rip Tide” A nude brunette with a premium chassis suns herself on her patio furniture.  She then decides to splash her feet in the pool.  There really isn’t much to this one, but the fact that the model has arguably the best body in the entire collection makes it a winner. (*** ½)

This compilation suffers from some definite highs and lows.  Then again, all the models have super boobs, which is important when you’re starring in something called Super Boobs Vol. 1.  Besides, the fact that the best segments are weighted towards the back half means things end on a high note.  Had things trended in the opposite direction, the whole enterprise might’ve gone tits up. 

THE LOVERS’ GUIDE 2: MAKING SEX EVEN BETTER (1992) ***

The British sensation of sex education returns with another entry.  This one is broken up into nine chapters. Chapter 1 is about “Sex and Communication”.  This is full of basic information for couples that makes sense and seems redundant, but I guess some people just have to hear it out loud.  Chapter 2:  “Planning Erotic Times” is about taking time out from your busy schedule to make room for quality romantic interaction with your partner.  Chapter 3 is self-explanatory:  “Foreplay”.  The dry British narration is good for a few laughs in this segment.  Some of my favorite lines were:  “Non-penetrative pleasuring” and “Some men like a well-lubricated finger in the anus!”

“Intensifying Intercourse” is next.  It shows us various positions and techniques to heighten stimulation.  The highlight is when we get a Superman X-Ray vision shot of the man’s penis while it’s thrusting away inside the woman.  While the narrators sing the praises of prolonged lovemaking in this segment, they also acknowledge the fun of the “quickie”. 

Chapter 5 is on “Creative Lovemaking Positions”.  It’s kind of hard to shock me, but I was genuinely surprised by the one position where the guy rolls up into a ball, and the woman sits on him like a human rocking chair.  Never seen that one before.  That’s followed by Chapter 6:  “Beyond the Bedroom" (which includes sex in places such as the kitchen, bathtub, and in public) and Chapter 7:  “Sex Games” (which encourages taking photos, role playing, and performing stripteases for your partner). 

Chapter 8 is entitled “Safer Sex and First Nights”.  It’s a brief guide for couples just starting out and/or are non-committal.  It also stresses the use of condoms.  Since the scenes of people boning are shown alongside sobering AIDS statistics, it kind of throws cold water on the whole thing.  The final chapter is on “Overcoming Boredom” and features tips to spice up your sexual adventures within a long-lasting relationship. 

Sex education is inherently funny.  When I watch shit like this, it takes me back to 6th grade Sex Ed class when we used to giggle at all the videos they used to show us.  Like the original, The Lovers’ Guide 2:  Making Sex Even better is full of softcore scenes of canoodling and kissing that eventually gives way to some hardcore action (mostly jerking off and suck jobs).  

For couples, I have to say there’s nothing especially revelatory here. It’s all rather basic information, really.  As a sequel, it’s not quite as good as the first one and the hardcore action isn’t as steamy either.  Nevertheless, it’s still a fun way to spend an hour. 

The highpoint of the hilarious narration had to be:  “Do be careful when it comes to inserting things into your vagina!”

SPIDER BABY (2024) * ½

Remaking Spider Baby isn’t the worst idea in the world but turning it into an ersatz Grindhouse movie was a big miscalculation.  It also doesn’t help that the filmmakers constantly ape Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses as It uses the same washed-out kind of interstitials that bookend scenes and are filled with clips from old cartoons and nudies.  (House star Robert Mukes also appears as the narrator.)  The Zombie-style heavy metal song that plays over the opening credits is laughably bad too.  I mean nothing could top the original film’s theme song (sung by its star, Lon Chaney Jr.).  However, this shit is terrible.  

Siblings Virginia (Skylar Fast) and Elizabeth (Emma Keifer) are stricken by The Merrye Syndrome, a rare condition that reverts them back to a childlike state.  Sometimes, they even regress so far back that they inhabit a primitive mindset which makes them capable of unspeakable violence.  When Aunt Emily (Jennifer Moriarty) comes to the house to send the children away, they turn on their nasty relatives. 

While the Jack Hill original had some disturbing elements, the humanity that emanated from Lon Chaney Jr.’s performance and his outpouring of unconditional love for the “children” made it a surprisingly heartwarming and unique motion picture experience.  This one is just a cheap cash-in trading on the name and reputation of a classic.  Director Dustin Ferguson has made some good low budget movies (like Axed to Pieces).  He’s made some bad ones too (like Amityville in the Hood).  I think you can guess what category this falls into.  Like I said, this is more of a miscalculation than anything.  The Grindhouse filter on the camera would’ve been fine for flashback scenes, but to make the whole movie with the obvious filter just calls attention to itself.

I guess the good news is that it’s less than an hour long.  Even that is a mixed blessing as the finale feels really rushed and the potentially poignant ending isn’t given enough room to breathe.  At least Ferguson was smart enough to not overstay his welcome. 

Chaney’s son, Ron has a cameo as a doctor early on, which was a nice touch.  It’s Noel Jason Scott though who takes over Chaney’s old role as Bruno the caretaker.  He certainly tries, and although he can’t compete with Lon, he easily gives the best performance of the movie. 

They somehow wrangled Hill into serving as an executive producer on this.  I’m not sure what he got out of it other than a paycheck.  This version ultimately winds up feeling like those actor recreations you see in true crime shows.  It also sorely lacks the humanity, wit, and warmth that made the original a classic.  Maybe if you’ve never seen the original, you might not be as incensed.  For me, there is no comparison. 

AKA:  Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told. 

SWINGING WIVES (1973) ***

Swinging Wives is a West German sexploitation movie made in the Schoolgirl Report mold.  It purports to be an expose about marriage and infidelity that is supposedly taken from “real” case studies of actual couples.  Sprinkled in between are man on the street interviews.  It’s all just an excuse to show some T & A. 

You know a movie is on the right track when it features a housewife doing nude housework including vacuuming, ironing, and washing the dishes during opening credits. 

The first segment is about a couple who are full of passion on their wedding night, but the spark quickly runs out.  Next, we have an interview with a door-to-door masseur who caters to the needs of his married female clientele.  Then, a frustrated housewife defies her husband and visits a swingers’ party next door.  That’s followed by a bridge club who surprises a delivery man by playing their game in the nude.  A teenage girl learns her mother is having an affair and sets out to seduce her mom’s suitor in the next vignette.  Afterwards, a wife tries to take her own life after having an affair with her husband’s best friend.  We then learn a mailman’s guide to servicing the lonely wives on his route.  Next, a woman puts the moves on her gynecologist when he drops in for a house call.  Then, there’s a segment on a door-to-door smut peddler who gets it on with a married client.  That’s followed by a story about a bored housewife who takes to turning tricks to make a little money on the side and predictably winds having her husband as a client.  Finally, we return to our first couple to check on their progress. 

Most of these kinds of movies have an episodic nature, which can yield uneven results.  The good news about Swinging Wives is that the episodes are all rather entertaining.  The best segments manage to blend humor into the mix.  In fact, the movie sort of gets better as it goes along, mostly because the sequences in the second half feature wives who seem to be having fun while they are swinging. 

The dubbed dialogue contains some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when a swinger sees a sexy housewife and quips to his friend, “That’s real humping material right there!” 

AKA:  The New Hot Report:  What Men Don’t Think is Possible.

CARNE (1968) ** ½

I attended a John Waters Q & A a while back and asked him who his favorite under-the-radar B-movie director was and he responded with Armando Bo.  Since I had already seen (and loved) Fuego, I knew I had to start checking into Bo’s back catalogue.  The fact that he always cast the buxom and beautiful Isabel Sarli (his on-screen muse as well as off) in his films, didn’t hurt either. 

The first thing you see in Carne is Sarli posing nude.  That’s quickly followed by a love scene AND a rape scene… all BEFORE the opening credits!

See, Sarli loves her boyfriend, who is an artist and paints her in the nude.  They both have a day job at the local meat packing plant.  Her rapist is a trucker who delivers meat to the place.  After raping her again, he kidnaps her and holds her captive in his meat truck where he shares her with his friends. 

Bo has been called the Argentinian Russ Meyer, and for good reason.  Not only does he love to feature hot busty babes in his movies, but the stylized editing and camerawork is very reminiscent of old Russ.  He certainly isn’t subtle.  Consider the scenes of Sarli in the factory as she symbolically handles raw meat.  The way her attacker views her as “meat” is so “on the nose”, it could very well be up the nose.  The scene where she is chased through a veritable maze of hanging beef in the meat locker by her rapist is effective too, although some will be put off by the scene when he throws her on a slab of beef and says, “Meat on meat!” before defiling her.  Oh, and did I mention when he throws her in his truck, there’s a cutaway to some signage that reads, “Meat in Transit”?

Most of the drama comes from whether her beau will A) Avenge Sarli’s defilement and/or B) Forgive her.  I’m sure you can pretty much guess what will happen. 

The reason to watch it is for Sarli.  Despite this being an exploitation flick, she doesn’t get naked as often as you might expect.  That’s appropriate too, given the subject matter.  However, those brief nude scenes are really something.  Because of Sarli, Carne is enjoyable even if the rest of the film isn’t exactly well done. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me to discuss the immortal classic, Champagne and Bullets.  If you have ever done the "Shimmy Slide" or have always been curious about doing so, I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a listen.   DTVC Podcast 264, "Champagne a… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts

ANYONE BUT YOU (2023) ***

Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell Meet Cute in a coffee shop and spend a lovely evening together.  After a misunderstanding, they quickly become mortal enemies, which is a problem since they are both going to attend the same wedding in Australia.  Since both of their respective exes are at the event, they decide to make them jealous by masquerading as a couple.  Naturally, their dubious displays of affection cause more problems while they predictably wind up falling for each other for real. 

I’m not much of a romantic comedy guy, but if you put my girl Sydney Sweeney in it and have her parading around in various skintight outfits… well, heck, I’ll probably get around to watching it at some point.  Directed by Will (Easy A) Gluck, Anyone but You is loosely based on William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.  Because of that, you may be inclined to think it’s a highbrow comedy.  Fortunately for me, it has some legitimately funny moments, especially when  it sometimes unexpectedly heads into Farrelly Brothers territory.  The scene where Powell finds a spider in his shorts is a highlight, as is the “anteater” gag. 

Powell and Sweeney have plenty of chemistry together and have surprising comedy chops too.  They play off one another so well that you would imagine they could easily become a viable comedy duo for years to come.  Since the movie was a big hit, I don’t see why not. 

Yes, it falls into the same predictable cliches that the genre demands.  Yes, some of the Shakespeare shit feels shoehorned in there.  (There’s probably one too many scenes where Powell and Sweeney overhear their friends chatting about them.)  However, the bottom line is I laughed a lot more than I was expecting.  Because of that, I’d recommend Anyone but You to anyone who enjoys romantic comedies and… hell, just comedies in general. 

REALITY (2023) ** ½

Sydney Sweeney stars as the improbably named Reality Winner.  In reality, uh, Reality was given the longest sentence in history for leaking confidential government documents.  This film is a recreation of her arrest taken directly from the actual FBI audio recordings. 

This strict adherence to fact can be a double-edged sword.  While people who are familiar with the case will be thrilled by the attention to detail, it doesn’t really do much for guys like me who are only watching it for Sweeney. 

Sydney does a fine job dressed way down and sans make-up.  Her reaction to the Feds’ arrival is more like an “Aw shucks!  Ya got me” kind of deal.  She doesn’t ask to see the warrant or demand an attorney.  That raises a red flag to the Feds and the viewer.  Is she just being cooperative or is she itching to get caught?

Since this is essentially a filmed transcript, the actors have to work overtime to squeeze any kind of characterization in there.  I liked the way the Feds made small talk about her pets as a way to ingratiate themselves as they try to get her to drop her guard. 

The film keeps cutting back to the real audio files and transcripts mid-scene.  We also see actual social media posts of the real Winner.  It’s like… okay.  We get it.  This is based on real events.  It’s just that in the search for verisimilitude, these asides become more distracting than anything else.  

One cool aspect is that when it comes to the classified information, the sensitive material is redacted.  It’s here where the film gets visually interesting as Reality gets deleted from the film every time she mentions the redacted material.  In an age where nearly all important information is redacted for the public, it was a nice touch to see her completely disappear at the most vital parts of the story. 

Ultimately, Reality is a mixed bag, but Sweeney’s performance makes it worth a look.  She does a lot with a little, and the way she is able to find character beats in the middle of what is essentially a seventy-five-minute interrogation is rather impressive.  Overall, the film itself is a bit too slight to fully recommend.  However, seeing how the American public still has to deal with pointless redactions and be continuously denied the truth by its government means the film will remain relevant for years to come. 

NUDIE CUTIES VOL. 1 (1993) ** ½

Nudie Cuties Vol. 1 is a compilation of nudie shorts collected by the good folks at Something Weird.  I’m sure they really must’ve wowed (male) audiences back in their day.  However, it’s more fun to look at them now as a curiosity piece than spank material. 

“Nautical Nudes” (** ½) is a creaky short from what looks to be the silent era.  A group of gals get naked on a boat.  They then come ashore and claim a small island as their own private nudist resort.  This short seems like it had a decent budget for this sort of thing, but it suffers from some poor lighting. 

“Backstage” (** ½) This brief clip has a dancer changing backstage.  The model is cute, but this one also suffers from being too dark. 

“Count Me In” (*** ½) benefits from a simple but strong premise.  Two women sit on a bed and play a game of Strip Craps.  Whenever they roll a 7, they have to remove an article of clothing… and they roll LOTS of 7’s.  It’s definitely more fun than Yahtzee.

“Between Acts” (**) There isn’t much to say about this short about a bunch of half-naked burlesque dancers hanging out in their dressing room. 

“Uncover Girl” (** ½) The clever title is the best thing about this brief clip.  A dancer strips in front of a curtain (it looks more like curtains you’d see for windows and not the curtain for a Burlesque show).  There isn’t a whole lot to it, but at least the dancer is cute.

“Without a Stitch” (** ½) A seamstress makes clothes for her friends who disrobe and try on their new wardrobe.  This one is another short but sweet entry that benefits from several actresses who are quite perky.  Too bad the jump cuts ruin much of the fun. 

“Chicago Fan Dance” (** ½) The title says it all.  This is nothing more than a filmed Burlesque show wherein a nude dancer performs with an oversized fan.  Like many other shorts here, it loses points because of the dark photography. 

“Feminine Foursome” (** ½) Four women dance and cavort in the nude.  This one has some legitimate ambiance, but the abrupt ending doesn’t do it any favors. 

“Candid Beauty” (**) Two women are hiking when one of them decides to disrobe.  Luckily, the other gal has a camera with her to capture the moment.  Despite the pleasant scenery, this is another short that suffers from muddy cinematography. 

“Christmas Eves” (*** ½) A gaggle of half-naked women wake up on Christmas morning, get dressed, and go downstairs to see what Santa brought them.  If the sight of naked women trying on a variety of outfits and shooting each other with dart guns in front of the Christmas tree doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, the random use of the Muzak version of “Hard Day’s Night” will.  It also helps that this is one of the longest shorts in the compilation.  It takes its time getting going and is a lot of fun to boot. 

“Ladder Antics” (** ½) has three nude models descending a tall ladder before posing on what looks like a Burlesque stage.  While it’s refreshing to get a short that isn’t coy at all when it comes to showing everything, there aren’t many “antics” to be had. 

“How to Hold a Husband” (**) A sunny blonde reads a booklet on how to trap and man, which basically just boils down to dressing in lingerie.  This is one of those deals where the premise quickly gets lost in the shuffle.  The fact that it doesn’t feature any nudity is another major debit. 

“Silk Heeled Mannequins” (**) has three models putting on a floor show on stage before disrobing.  This one benefits from some rudimentary editing and camerawork, but it’s not radically memorable or titillating. 

“Artist’s Models” (***) Several sexy nudists hang around a swimming pool getting a suntan.  This is the kind of thing I was hoping to see more of in this collection.  It’s a simple little nudist camp reel with cute models and a sunny location. 

“Nudists at Play” (****) This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about!  Two brunette nudists play badminton (badly) while their friend suns herself on a towel.  Nudies were always at their best when they showcased women doing outdoor activities and generally just enjoying life.  

“Models in Repose” (**) delivers exactly what it promises:  Models lying around in the nude.  They don’t move, so you’re almost better off looking at a still photograph.  Oh, and this is yet another short that suffers from being too dark. 

“Nude Action” (***) A bubbly blonde does an energetic dance in the nude.  This is another example of how to make a good nudie reel.  If you keep it simple, it just has a better chance of being successful. 

“New Year’s ‘Eve’” (***) A model disrobes and poses around New Year’s streamers.  This one has a good gimmick as every time the model opens up her fur coat, another article of clothing disappears.  It’s not especially erotic, but if you like vintage smut, I’m sure New Year’s “Eve” will make your ball drop. 

“The Dance of Love” (*** ½) A brunette dancer arrives on stage wearing nothing but a sheer cape which she quickly chucks aside.  She then proceeds to do an interpretive dance number in the nude.  This one looked kind of familiar to me.  I think it might’ve cropped up as a special feature on another Something Weird release.  It’s a solid short with a cute dancer who certainly isn’t shy and can dance rather well too. 

“Body Contours” (** ½) A blonde figure model rotates on a turntable on an empty stage.  This is essentially a filmed figure modeling session.  As such, it’s better than average as the rotating platform gives it a semi-artsy vibe.  In fact, many of the shorts have an opening text stating they are to be used for figure drawing.  This is one of the rare instances where that might’ve actually been the case and not just an excuse to show flagrant nudity. 

“Gloria’s Fan Dance” (***) This is another filmed fan dance.  This time out, the dancer has two fans and doesn’t seem too interested in using them to conceal her naked frame.  Her cheerful demeanor is winning too, all of which adds up to another solid short. 

“Harem Beauties” (** ½) A harem full of naked nymphs lounge around on a silk rug.  And… uh… that’s about it.  The models are cute, which helps make up for a noticeable lack of substance. 

“Nude Hula” (*** ½) The best nudie shorts are usually the ones that feature women doing something they typically do fully clothed (or in this case, scantily clad), except…. you know… nude.  That’s what makes Nude Hula so much fun.  It contains everything you’d want from a hula dance, except… you know… nude.  It also helps that the dancer is simply adorable. 

“Stripped for Dipping” (*** ½) A cute brunette goes for a moonlight swim in a creek.  The most amazing thing about this short is that even though it’s filmed outdoors at night, the spotlight the crew used was able to shine ample light upon the model.  Compare that to the other shorts in the collection that take place in broad daylight where you can’t barely make out anything. 

“Swinging Frolics” (***) Two naked women take turns pushing each other on a swing.  There’s not a whole lot to say about this one other than the editing and camerawork is solid.  I guess if you have a swing fetish, you might want to add an extra *. 

“The Old Swimming Pool” (*** ½) Three ladies go skinny-dipping in a lake where they frolic and cavort.  The camerawork is quite good on this short, and the shots of the gals lounging on an inner tube are quite effective.  The models (all of whom are quite lovely) look like they are genuinely enjoying themselves, which also helps. 

“Sultans Dreams” (***) A naked woman hangs around the house, combing her hair, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes.  The print is pretty beat up, but the model is arguably the best looking one in the entire collection, which is probably why they saved this clip for last.  There are no sultans, and no dreams, but you won’t care.

LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS: LACE VS. LEATHER (2013) **

Ever since Tubi took down the Lingerie Fighting Championships, I have been jonesing to see women in lingerie beating the crap out of each other.  Fortunately for me, I was able to pick up this DVD for cheap.  It’s the first entry in the LFC series and to my surprise, it’s not an actual event, but a mockumentary about the league. ( I assume the LFC and this movie were created concurrently.)  As a fan of the later events, which were “legitimate” PPV fights, I was rather disappointed as this is essentially a workplace comedy, and not an especially funny one either.  Think The Office but with women MMA fighters. 

It’s kind of obvious from the start they’re trying way too hard for laughs, especially all the shit with the idiot coach in the red headband.  The scripted jokes aren’t funny either, and the staged interviews that are supposed to be played more or less straightforward are phony and forced.  I don’t know if they were trying to emulate GLOW or what, but it just doesn’t work.  There’s a lot of this kind of crap early on, and I had hopes that once the fights began, things would start looking up. 

I was wrong. 

Not only are the fights held in an empty arena with a crowd green screened in the background, but the action is constantly interrupted by interview footage.  This would’ve been fine if the interviews were shown before and after the match, but to drop them in during the fight is almost unforgivable.  An even greater sin:  The fights are fake, and many aren’t very convincing either.  Fortunately, some of the matches are lively enough to keep watching (especially the main event).  Some of the ringside commentary is pretty funny too.  My favorite quip was, “34F is not her apartment number!”

This was probably a learning lesson for LFC.  They saw what didn’t work, tweaked it, and perfected the formula by creating “real” PPV events.  So, I give them credit for that.  I must say if this was my first exposure to the league, I might not have been a fan.  Thankfully, they got much, much better when they realized it’s a lot more entertaining when the action is “real” (or at least unscripted). 

AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships.  AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships 18:  Lace vs. Leather.

TWO GIRLS AND A GUY (1998) *** ½

This was the first comeback role for Robert Downey Jr. after his much-publicized stint in rehab.  It was rated NC-17 even though the one sex scene we do get isn’t overly explicit.  Written and directed by James Toback (who also directed Downey in The Pick-Up Artist and Black and White), it definitely has that air of relationship based indie movies from the late ‘90s that featured characters talking about sex for a good chunk of the running time.  As far as that subgenre goes, it’s one of the better ones out there. 

The hook is as simple as it is irresistible.  Two beautiful women (Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner) are standing on a stoop in New York City waiting for their boyfriend (Downey Jr.) to come home.  They quickly realize they’re waiting on the same guy and decide to get a little payback.  The women break into his apartment and set up an ambush and try to get to the bottom of his selfish and manipulative ways. 

This could’ve been a sitcom, but the frankness of how the messy relationship details come out makes it work as a drama, even if parts of it are very funny.  I especially liked the scene when the girls compare notes and become more enraged at the fact that not only is Downey seeing both women at the same time, but he used the same exact pick-up lines on them. 

All three leads are great, but Downey is a real standout.  I loved the little moment when he came home and didn’t know the girls are hiding in his loft.  It’s here where you can see how a guy like this acts when he thinks he’s alone.  That is to say, he just acts goofy and sings to the top of his lungs.  Wagner (who was an It Girl for a hot minute) is a lot of fun as her manic pixie energy is equal parts adorable and sexy.  Graham is immensely appealing as well, playing the more reserved girlfriend who has a few secrets of her own. 

The limited cast and location work give the movie the feeling of a filmed play.  Sometimes, the long monologues feel kind of stagey, which is probably the only real drawback.  Fortunately, most of the dialogue has a ring of (painful) truth to it, so it’s mostly forgivable.  If you only know RDJ from his latter-day Marvel blockbusters, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

AEROBICISE: THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT (1982) ****

Jane Fonda gets most of the credit for kickstarting America’s interest in workout videos in the ‘80s, but I argue that Ron Harris is just as influential of a figure.  Unlike Jane, who was front-and-center of her videos, Ron worked behind the scenes.  Maybe it was his male gaze that made the Aerobicise series a landmark.  Maybe it was the simplicity of the concept.  Whatever the secret sauce was, Aerobicise was truly a staple of every boy growing up in the ‘80s. 

Most workout videos are filmed on sets that either mimic a gym or a living room.  The idea is that they are inviting the viewer into the world of the tape and making them a part of the exercising experience.  What made Harris’s series unique is that the women were all filmed in a white void.  I think the idea was that it would allow the viewer to concentrate on the performers and the exercises without any other visual stimuli getting in the way.  This would allow them to better understand the techniques and the motions of the participants.  Since the women were all hot and wearing sexy skintight workout attire, it was hard for any red-blooded male viewer to concentrate on anything else.  That innovation is what sets the series apart from its contemporaries. 

Let’s face it.  Men watched these things for the women.  Whenever you see a clip from the show popping up in a movie (most notably Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter), it’s a male chauvinist pig who’s typically watching it.  The visual cue is a shorthand to inform the audience that information without the necessity of dialogue. 

Now, I get a kick from watching old workout videos from the ‘80s.  Maybe that makes me a pig too.  However, I think enough time has passed where we can view this sort of thing as video anthropology and marvel at the retro outfits and appreciate it as highly stylized ‘80s ephemera. 

The tape is light on instruction.  What narration we do get more or less states the obvious.  (“Twist!”, “Stretch!”, “Reach!”)  Oh, and the narrator has a sexy woman’s voice, if you had any confusion as to who the intended audience was. 

The tape is broken up into two episodes.  The first half begins with a “Warm-Up” consisting of head rolls, stretching, and light aerobics.  Then it’s on to “Hands and Knees” exercises where you get down on all fours and gyrate wildly like a dog that just pissed on an electric fence.  Next, it’s “Pelvics”, and if you ever needed proof that God exists and he’s a man, then look no further.  “Aerobics” follows, and it’s full of enough jiggling and wiggling to get your heart rate going... and you don’t even need to leave the couch to do so. 

Then it’s time to “Cool Down”.  This is probably the most misleading segment.  It’s supposed to be full of light stretching exercises to allow the body time to recover after a strenuous workout.  What we are shown however, is a hot blonde sitting spread eagle on the floor rubbing her mound around backwards and forwards and every which way in between.  Cool Down?  I’m heating up over here!  The last time I saw a woman do a Cool Down like that, I had to put dollar bills in her G-string.  Not sufficiently cooled down from that activity, she proceeded to get on all fours like a dog and undulate wildly before kicking her legs high in the air.  After making what looks like sexy snow angels on the ground, she contorts herself up like a nympho hobby horse and rocks back and forth.  How anyone is supposed to perform all this as a “Cool Down” technique is beyond me.  This is some serious Circe de Soliel shit.  (And I loved every second of it.)

The second episode kicks off with another “Warm-Up” where two gorgeous models stand toe to toe and do a slinky little jazzercise dance routine.  Then, it’s back to everyone’s favorite exercise, “Hands and Knees”.  While the movements of the model in this segment can’t top the wild gyrations of the first Hands and Knees sequence, the stellar camerawork and editing make sure that her assets are impeccably displayed throughout.  Next, it’s “Straddle Legs” where the model sits/lays on the floor and moves her legs like a broken windshield wiper.  It takes a bit before we get to the “Straddle” portion of the exercise, but believe me, it’s worth it.  That’s followed by “Sit-Ups”.  This is another example where Harris’s genius is on display.  He takes what in other workout tapes would’ve been a forgettable and boring exercise and thanks to the optimal camera placement, turns it into an erotic work of art.  “Aerobics” is next.  Two models perform acalisthenics routine consisting mostly of variations of Jumping Jacks.  This is probably the most traditional segment of the entire tape and doesn’t feature much of the unhinged qualities I typically enjoy.  That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” though.  Just traditional.  The final segment is another “Cool Down” routine.  It’s a stretching routine that might give Mr. Fantastic issues, especially the part where the model sticks her head between her legs and is about THIS close to kissing her own ass. 

The models, of course, are all beautiful.  One of them is Darcy De Moss from Friday the 13th Part 6.  (The Jason theme continues!)  They really deserve as much credit for the show’s success as Harris because they are among the most limber ladies it’s been my pleasure to watch in a workout tape. 

The camerawork is exquisite too.  By “exquisite”, I mean it captures a lot of shots of cleavage and jiggling buttocks.  The rhythmic motions of the models, combined with the subliminally hypnotic editing and soothing narration makes the whole thing play like ASMR.  And I don’t mean Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.  I’m talking about Awesome Shit Men Respond to.  

You will not find Aerobicise:  The Ultimate Workout in the MoMA.  It is not in The Criterion Collection.  It is not part of the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry.  I hope this review will change all that.

Harris later took the concept and sexed it up even more with Totally Nude Aerobics.

KUNG-FU OF EIGHT DRUNKARDS (1980) ** ½

A waiter tries to remove an old drunk customer from his restaurant, and the boozy geezer beats the snot out of him.  He then begs the old man to teach him Drunken Kung Fu.  When a villain spots the waiter using the Drunken style, he correctly assumes the Kung Fu master (his mortal enemy) is still alive and plans to set a trap for his young pupil. 

Directed by Wu Ma (who also co-directed The Water Margin and All Men are Brothers), Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards is an agreeable if inessential Kung Fu comedy.  If you have a predilection for Drunken Master-style chopsocky, you might grade this one on a higher curve as there are plenty of booze-related training sequences and inebriated fight scenes on display.  While the action is fine for the most part, it’s just lacking a real all-out show-stopping Kung Fu set piece to put it over the top.  (The finale is pretty good, but it’s marred by too much slow motion.)  Despite a generally uneven tone, it’s still a hair or two better than most Drunken Master rip-offs (there’s a decent plot twist in the last ten minutes). 

The problem is that the comedy schtick weighs the whole thing down as a lot of the drunken shenanigans aren’t very funny.  The comic relief sidekick is even worse as his main humorous trait is having a shitty combover.  The movie gets more mileage from unintentionally funny moments like the crappy dubbing and the odd soundtrack choices.  I’m specifically thinking of the random needle drop on a banjo instrumental of “I Wish I Was in Dixie” in some scenes. 

My real issue with Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards though was, was there even eight of them?  I mean I can’t even remember there being eight characters let alone all of them knowing Kung Fu and/or being fall down drunks.  Were they counting the villains too?  If so, I don’t think I ever saw them take a sip of hooch the entire running time.  Argh.

AKA:  Kung Fu of 8 Drunkards.

WHEN THE GODS FALL ASLEEP (1972) ** ½

Director/star Jose Mojica Marins returns in this sequel to The End of Man as Finnis Hominis.  The film begins with the incredible ending of the original.  If you recall, Finnis Hominis arrived on the streets of Sao Paolo and quickly became a messianic figure who amassed a great following.  The final shot then showed him after his work was done returning home to a mental institution! 

Well, Finnis hangs out in his cell for a bit before escaping once again.  He gets right back to work, squashing a beef between two rival street thugs named Chico and Skull with just a few words of wisdom.  He also interrupts a virgin sacrifice and turns the followers against the priests presiding over the ceremony, breaks up a lovers’ quarrel at a Gypsy camp, and crashes a den of inequity. 

Finnis Hominis is sort of like the opposite side of the coin from Coffin Joe.  Although they are both mysterious figures that point out the hypocrisy of societal norms, Finnis dresses in bright colors and has a much sunnier disposition than the sinister Joe.  While the Finnis Hominis films are decent, they aren’t a patch on Coffin Joe’s pictures. 

Now that we know Finnis is actually batshit insane from the very start, his adventures don’t pack the same kind of punch.  As in the first movie, this one flips back and forth from color to black and white in sometimes arbitrary fashion.  It also suffers from an episodic nature.  It’s probably my least favorite of the Marins movies I’ve seen, but it carries enough of his distinct touches to make it worth watching. 

Some sequences are better than others (the romantic drama at the Gypsy camp goes on way too long) and the final twist in this entry is weak, not to mention predictable.  Still, the film contains at least one scene that will have you picking your jaw up off the floor.  About a half hour into the movie, there is a viewer discretion warning for a religious ceremony where people dance wildly and bite the heads off live chickens and drink their blood.  It’s fairly disgusting, and those who are squeamish when it comes to animal abuse will appreciate the heads-up. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 4 (1994) ****

Twisted Sex Vol. 4 is a top tier sexploitation trailer compilation from the depraved minds at Something Weird.  It offers a terrific mix of obscure smut, genuine oddities, stone cold classics, and works from some of the greatest directors in exploitation history.  Because of that, it makes a perfect sampler package of vintage sleazy goodness. 

Fans of nudist movies will enjoy seeing trailers for the likes of Garden of Eden, Some Like It Cool, and Adam Lost His Apple.  Those who favor costume romps will dig the ads for Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, and Pinocchio.  It’s also fun seeing such classic Something Weird fare as The Bloody, The Beautiful, and the Bare, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, and Wilbur and the Baby Factory being represented. 

The wealth of previews for films from the elite filmmakers of the era is what sets Twisted Sex Vol. 4 apart from the rest of the pack.  We have ads for movies from Russ Meyer (The Immoral Mr. Teas), Herschell Gordon Lewis (The Adventures of Lucky Pierre), and Michael and Roberta Findlay (Take Me Naked).  Doris Wishman is especially well represented, so if you’re a fan of the Queen of the Nudies, you’re in for a treat.  There are trailers for Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Nude on the Moon, The Sex Perils of Paulette (in which the title is curiously never mentioned), and Indecent Desires.  Fans of Wishman will also get a kick out of hearing many of the same taglines (like “sex without shame” and “corrupt and immoral”) appearing again and again in ads for Hot Month of August, Bad Girls Go to Hell, and Too Much Too Often

Speaking of taglines, there are plenty of great ones here.  Some of my favorites were for Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures (“When sex goes skin deep!”), Garden of Eden (“The only picture endorsed by the American Sunbathing Association!”), The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare (“SEE the blood crazed fiend!”), and Sex Rituals of the Occult (“Sex Rituals of the Occult is coming!  Are you?”).  There are also a couple of shorts that help pad things out including a color striptease short called A Wild Night at the Interlude and something called Strange Sex Dreams which is neither strange nor sexy, but it is certainly something weird!

The complete trailer list is as follows: Hot Frustrations, The Sisters, Soft Skin on Black Silk, The Price of Flesh, Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures, The Alley Cats, Hot Month of August, Garden of Eden, The Immoral Mr. Teas, The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Adam Lost His Apple, Nude on the Moon, The Sun, the Place, and the Girls, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, a Santa Claus bumper, My Baby is Black!, The Warm, Warm Bed, The Sex Perils of Paulette, Take Me Naked, Bad Girls Go to Hell, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, Indecent Desires, Guess Who’s Coming?, Too Much Too Often, Days of Sin and Nights of Nymphomania, A Wild Night at the Interlude (short), Whip’s Women, The Sexperts: Touched by Temptation, Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, Sexcapade in Mexico, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, Pinocchio, The Nine Ages of Nakedness, Wilbur and the Baby Factory, The Toy Box, Sex Rituals of the Occult, Strange Sex Dreams (short), and Liz.

AWAKENING OF THE BEAST (1970) ****

Nearly a quarter of a century before Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, Jose Mojica Marins made a similarly Meta sequel to his Coffin Joe franchise that blurred the line between “reel” and “real”.  It’s not as consistent as his earlier films, but it is pure dynamite when it really gets cooking. 

A shrink bemoans the increasingly abhorrent sexual behavior in society, particularly when it comes to young people and drug abuse.  He seems to want to lay much of the blame on the films of Jose Mojica Marins.  While preparing his next book, he performs an experiment where he gives the subjects LSD after watching This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse.  They then proceed to experience hellacious visions of torture starring none other than Coffin Joe himself. 

Awakening of the Beast is a tad uneven at times, but there’s so many jaw dropping moments here that it manages to be more than a sum of its parts.  The first act of the movie is pure sexploitation.  The unconnected segments almost play like a precursor to the Schoolgirl Report series.  Marins appears briefly in the second act as himself as he is forced to defend his work against baseless accusations. 

Those frustrated by the lack of Coffin Joe in the first hour will be rewarded in the third act.  It’s here where Marins takes center stage as Coffin Joe appears to guide the test subjects through their drug trip.  From this point on, the movie really kicks ass.  Right after the characters take acid, the film switches to color (just like This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse) and Marins’ flair for ghoulish spectacle is on full display.  I’m not saying I understood some of it and I’m not sure “understanding” it was the point.  (It is one long drug trip after all.)  What I do know is some of the shit in the last ten minutes or so is unforgettable.  (Those “buttheads” are especially freaky.)  Because of that, Awakening of the Beast is one hell of a trip. 

AKA:  Ritual of the Maniacs.