LOLITA VIBRATOR TORTURE (1987) *** ½

A psycho is loose on the streets kidnapping young girls, chaining them up, and torturing them with a battery-operated dingus.  One schoolgirl doesn’t really seem to mind it so much since she already goes around with a vibrator tucked inside her panties to begin with.  She and her captor eventually hit on a plan to kidnap and torture her classmate who is hiding a deep, dark secret. 

If there ever was a title for a movie it’s Lolita Vibrator Torture.  Despite the lurid moniker, it’s probably not as skeevy as you might expect.  It comes from the twisted mind of director Hisayasu (Splatter:  Naked Blood) Sato, so if you’re familiar with his work, you may already have an idea what you signed yourself up for. 

Sato uses a lot of restraint, all things considered.  Often times, it’s what he doesn’t show that is more effective.  (The sounds of the buzzing vibrator leave much to the imagination.)  That’s not to say he won’t pull out all the stops when he has to.  The film is also interesting from a scripting standpoint as the audience’s loyalty slowly shifts in the second half. 

It’s only a little over an hour long, so that doesn’t leave a lot of time for unnecessary subplots or extraneous sequences, which is always appreciated, especially for something like this.  I also liked that for all its griminess and general WTF demeanor, the film is ultimately a parable of a couple who learn to spice up their relationship by implementing marital aids in the bedroom.  Well, that and some grisly murder and stuff, but if watch it, you’ll see what I mean. 

It also manages to be immensely feminist which is something you might not expect from a movie with the words “Lolita”, “Vibrator”, and “Torture” in the title.  I don’t want to spoil anything but trust me on that.  Our heroine’s final words to her captor are quite the feminist rallying cry if I ever did hear one. 

AKA:  Secret Garden.

BIGFOOT EXORCIST (2024) **

When I see a title like Bigfoot Exorcist pop up on Tubi, I’m naturally going to watch it.  With a title like that, the mind reels at the possibilities.  Will this movie be about a Bigfoot who gets possessed and must receive an exorcism?  Or (and potentially more entertaining), is it going to be about a possessed individual who must receive an exorcism, so Bigfoot goes to the seminary, becomes an ordained priest, and then performs an exorcism to save the poor dope’s soul?  

To quote Jules in Pulp Fiction, “Now I like that, but that shit ain’t the truth.”  It’s unfortunately a case of the former.

As you may expect with a movie called Bigfoot Exorcist, it’s pretty uneven.  The opening scene is fun though.  Bigfoot chases a woman through the woods, and the cameraman keeps giving us gratuitous close-ups of her heading bosom.  Bigfoot then rips out her guts, pulls off her arm, and removes her skull.  Another entertaining moment comes when the nun memorably flips off her Mother Superior.  There are, however, inevitable doldrums in between the good stuff. 

Jessa Flux (who you may recognize from the new Up All Night with Rhonda Shear) and her boyfriend are on vacation out in the woods where Bigfoot is supposedly lurking.  As it turns out, the monster is kind of like a wereBigfoot.  As in, a guy who turns into Bigfoot.  (Even though he looks more like an albino alien with alopecia than a Sasquatch.)  When Jessa’s boyfriend gets bitten by the creature, he naturally becomes a Bigfoot too.  A nun tries to perform an exorcism on him and… well… it doesn’t help much. 

Jessa is one of my favorite actresses of the last few years or so, and her appearance in anything is cause for celebration.  Any scene with her is worth watching, but the rest of the movie is patchy at best and dull at worst.  Bigfoot Exorcist was directed by Donald (Red Lips) Farmer, who certainly knows how to film a Bigfoot baby birthing scene.  I just wish the rest of the film was a little more consistent.  (Farmer and Flux also collaborated on Debbie Does Demons, which is much better.)

Jessa naturally gets all the best lines like, “I only drink rose wine because it’s pretty and pink, like me!” and “I ate two lobsters last night and I have to go jog them off!”

STALLONE’S KNOCKOUTS (1990) *** ½

In the ‘80s, it was kind of a trend to cast family members of famous stars in movies just to trade in on their last name.  One of the more memorable instances of this is Frank Stallone, brother of Sylvester.  If you’ve ever sat through one of his movies, then you already know what we’re talking about.  However, did you know that Sly’s mother, Jackie Stallone also had her fifteen minutes of fame riding the coattails of her son’s celebrity status? 

Jackie made a minor splash in the psychic hotline community during the ‘80s as she had a 1-900 number where she read horoscopes and did astrology for people willing to spend $2.99 a minute.  She also appeared as a manager on G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.  This tape is kind of like a spin-off of that, except with boxing (you know, to cash in on her son’s Rocky movies). It actually might be a little bit more unhinged than G.L.O.W., if you can believe it. 

Things begin with Jackie rapping.  Yes, rapping. What more do you need to know?  Go watch it immediately!

Anyway, not only does Jackie rap, but so do her “girls”, AKA:  The boxers in her stable.  Of course, having rapping wrestlers is another holdover from G.L.O.W. but, I mean… some of these lyrics are like… wow.  (Sample lyric:  “I’m a lumberjack with an axe to grind, I’m from up north as you can see, just like the trees, men PINE for me!”)  Oh, and did I mention the rapping takes up the first ten minutes of the tape?  It’s like they were trying to beat Rapper’s Delight for the longest rap song!

The first match is between “The Beastmaster” and “Alexis”, who for one reason or another were not featured in the opening rap song.  Then, it’s “Brooklyn” going up against “Mary Jo” in a catfight, the naughty nurse “Anne Thrax” vs. the female Zorro, “Zorra”, “Valerie” squaring off against “Bambi” (who is actually G.L.O.W. wrestler turned porn star Tiffany Million) in a “Four Corners” match, and “Melanie” duking it out with “Torch”. 

Afterwards, it’s time for “The Great Kung Fu Challenge” where an Asian woman fights a blonde in a karate match with comic “woo” and “waa” sound effects dubbed in.  Honestly, it’s more of a sketch than an actual fight.  (It doesn’t even take place in the same arena as the other matches.)  This is easily the weakest segment of the tape, and you could probably just skip right over it. 

Next, the Colombian smuggler “Cartela” goes toe to toe with beauty pageant queen “Bonnie Sue Ann Betty Jean”.  Finally, we come to the main event, a wrestler vs. boxer match where the southern Marine “Dixie” grapples with the all-American cheerleader “Wendy”.  After a controversial finish, all the fighters converge on the ring, and an all-out clothes-ripping catfight Battle Royale ensues. 

If you were a fan of G.L.O.W., you may remember some of the fighters, although their names have been changed, presumably to avoid a lawsuit.  (For example, “Brooklyn” is actually “Hollywood” from G.L.O.W.)  Like G.L.O.W., there are comedy bits in between the matches.  The jokes are almost always bad and were probably leftover from the Burlesque era, but you probably won’t care. 

Oh, and did I mention none other than Traci Lords herself is the commentator who makes cheeky wisecracks throughout the matches?  And that the referee impersonates several celebrities (including… who else?  Sylvester Stallone!) to try to score a date with her?  What more can you ask for?

Lords also appeared in the similar Foxy Boxing a few years prior. 

AKA:  Stallone’s Knockouts:  A Valentine’s Day Massacre.

ASTRAL LADY (2007) ***

Here’s another GIGA movie.  Like Red Lady, it is an obvious Ultraman clone, except… you know… with bondage and shit.  This one wears its inspiration on its sleeve as it even has an Ultraman-style theme song.  Astral Lady also has a couple of Ultraman’s powers and makes several Ultraman-inspired sound effects.  The red suit looks the same as the one worn in Red Lady too, except this time with a different (and cooler) mask. 

A giant one-eyed monster is attacking the city and Astral Lady shows up to go Mano y Mano with the scaly beast.  Little does she know that aliens are actually studying their fight to learn her weaknesses.  Eventually, the alien leader comes down to Earth and crucifies our heroine in a giant glass cage. 

There’s a little something for everyone in Astral Lady.  Fans of Tokusatsu will love the monster suits and kaiju battles.  Perverts will enjoy the long lingering close-ups of the heroine’s ass as she struggles with the monster.  If the sight of a woman in a latex suit being spanked with a paddle just doesn’t do it for you anymore, maybe you’ll enjoy the scene where a woman in latex is whipped with the tail of a giant monster.  As in Red Lady, there is a scene where the monster salivates all over our heroine, which I’m guessing is the equivalent of a money shot in these kinds of things. 

All in all, Astral Lady is fast moving and fun.  Sprinkled in with all the fetish shit, there’s some legitimately cool stuff here like the scene where Astral Lady detaches her ponytail, turns it into a boomerang, and uses it to decapitate the monster.  You could argue that some of the kaiju wrestling scenes go on a bit long, but if that’s the sole reason that you’re watching it, you’ll probably have zero complaints. 

RED LADY (2007) ** ½

Red Lady is a superheroine in an Ultraman-inspired red skintight latex outfit (although it looked more pink than red on my screen, but that’s just nitpicking) who defends her city from giant monsters.  After making short work of a kaiju (who looks like a mass of melted tires) with her “Red Beam”, another monster (this one a not-bad Godzilla clone) battles Red Lady.  It eventually wears her down enough so that its master can tie her up and give her electroshock torture.  She is finally able to escape, but it soon becomes clear it has all been an elaborate trap to catch Red Lady and violate her. 

Ah yes, it’s been a while since I watched a GIGA movie.  Like W.A.V.E. Productions, these films are more or less bondage movies, but most of the appeal comes less from the act of women in the cast being tied and bound but from seeing them struggling against their (mostly male) aggressors (or in this case, men in monster suits).  What makes GIGA special is their knack for combining BDSM with Saturday morning Tokusatsu style action and monsters. 

Red Lady isn’t nearly as wild and crazy as some of the other GIGA movies I have seen.  It’s not up to the wacky levels of WTF lunacy of the Gigantic Hermaphrodite series, but it still offers a modicum of fun for B-movie fans who think they’ve seen it all.  In fact, it might be a nice starter film for the uninitiated to see if this sort of thing is your cup of tea. 

The model city and the costumes during the giant monster battles are better than you might expect, even if some of the fights tend to get repetitive and/or go on far too long (like the scene with the monster’s tentacle dick).  Also, some of the BDSM stuff kind of fails to titillate, but that may be a matter of personal preference, honestly.  That said, there still is enough here to raise an eyebrow or two.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where the giant monster uses a telephone pole to shock Red Lady in the ass.  I mean, when’s the last time you saw THAT?  Plus, it’s only about an hour long, so that’s a plus.  I also respect any movie as silly as this one is that has the balls to end on such a downbeat note. 

Oh, and the version I saw actually had subtitles.  Not that we really needed them as the dialogue is quite minimal.  I just thought it was worth mentioning. 

WITCHFINDER (1989) *** ½

Witchfinder is one of the best W.A.V.E. movies I’ve seen so far.  It’s in films like these where you can tell that had he been given a bigger budget, director Gary Whitson could’ve had a decent career working for “The Man”.  Luckily for us, Gary remained fiercely independent and kept making stuff like this in his backyard. 

Pamela Sutch asks Laura Giglio, “Are you aware of the cult murders that occurred over the last decade and a half?”, which prompts a flashback.  Clancey McCauley presides over a Satanic ritual.  One of her frightened followers says, “She’s gonna kill a man!  It was different when it was a chicken or a goat, but this is a real human being!”

Soon after, a killer goes around offing cult members (who proudly wear their “Satan Lives” T-shirts) in the manner befitting a witch.  Women are drowned in a swimming pool, burned at the stake, hung in a barn, and … uh… electrocuted.  Well, I know electricity hadn’t been invented during the time of the Salem Witch Trials, but if it was, you can bet your ass they would’ve used it on witches. 

An interesting wrinkle is that it is the cult members who are the ones being killed.  Usually in these types of things, they are the ones perpetrating the violence.  In Witchfinder, it's the Satanists who are the victims, which I thought was kind of inspired.  The film also has a good twist or two up its sleeve. 

All this adds up to one of W.A.V.E.’s best both in terms of WTF entertainment and as a solid slice of low budget filmmaking.  If you’ve ever been skittish to watch a W.A.V.E. movie because of their reputation, I’d say start with this one.  It’s only an hour long and it zips along at a steady pace.  It also shows that Whitson, who also has a sizable role (and gloriously overacts) had a bit more craftsmanship in him than most people give him credit for.  Don’t worry, there’s still all the chloroforming and bondage scenes you’d expect and/or hope for in a W.A.V.E. movie.  It’s just nice to see him delivering a flick that checks all the boxes. 

HOUSEBOAT HORROR (1989) **

A film crew descends on a small Australian resort town to shoot a rock video at a lake.  They rent a couple of houseboats, dock them at the shore, and begin rocking out.  Little do they know there’s a hideously burned killer lurking in the woods who’s just itching to hack them up. 

Houseboat Horror is a no-budget Australian shot on video slasher flick.  Aussies has been cranking out Ozploitation movies for years, so it’s no surprise they would wet their beak in this sort of thing.  It’s uneven as hell, but it’s really no better or worse than countless similar slashers found on stateside video store shelves at the time.  At least the shot-on-video cinematography is a lot better than most of the stuff you’d see in America. 

The thick accents and poor sound make it hard to hear/understand some of the dialogue and the scenes of the crew members and bandmates dicking around on the boat are kind of hard to sit through.  Also, the shots of the various houseboats out on the water feel like padding.  A lot of screen time is devoted to shots of the killer’s boots as he traipses around the woods too.  All this makes for an awfully sluggish start. 

On the plus side, the skin quotient is decent, and the body count is relatively high, which makes up for some of the film’s more irritating aspects.  Although there are a lot of offscreen kills, the gore still manages to be kind of fun.  We get a stake through the neck, an axe to the head, throat slashing, a horseshoe to the face, a speargun to the stomach, and a pipe through the chest, along with some other assorted stabbings and hackings.  The highlight is a cool scene where a head is split down the middle with a machete. 

The centerpiece music video is appropriately cheesy.   It just falls short of being one of those “so bad it’s good” deals.  The same can be said for the movie.  It is pretty random though.  I mean nothing quite captures the excess of the rock n’ roll lifestyle like… (checks notes) a houseboat. 

AMITYVILLE TURKEY DAY (2024) *

The world needs more Thanksgiving-themed horror movies.  It doesn’t necessarily need more fake Amityville movies.  So, I guess it’s like a monkey’s paw kind of thing to find something like Amityville Turkey Day wallowing in the depths of Tubi.   

A group of filmmakers arrive at a house in Amityville to shoot a movie about a cannibal therapist who lived in the actual home.  During filming, a killer turkey with a foul mouth (see what I did there?) arrives on the scene and begins bumping off members of the cast and crew. 

Amityville Turkey Day starts off with a shit load of backstory and testimonials filmed by people on their phones.  It took me a while to realize this was actually a sequel to something.  I did some digging and learned it follows a film called Amityville Thanksgiving.  I haven’t seen that one but judging from Amityville Turkey Day I’m surprised anyone was asking for seconds.

You know, it’s funny.  At the start of this review I thought there was only one Thanksgiving related Amityville movie.  Now I know there are two.  I’m sure they will probably have another one in production by the time I finish writing this. 

Anyway, those opening scenes are tedious and get the movie off to a rough start.  The only moments where it threatens to come to life is during the scenes with the turkey.  Of course, it’s a blatant rip-off of Thankskilling, but it’s like I always say, if you’ve got to steal from somewhere, steal from the best.  I guess it was just too much to ask that the turkey’s kills be memorable or that its wisecracks be funny.  (Sometimes they don’t even make sense.) 

The film-within-a-film scenes are pretty painful, but not as painful as the shit with the crew members bitching and arguing with each other.  The unintentional humor isn’t funny, and the intentional shit is even worse (there’s a Harvey Weinstein joke).  All in all, Amityville Turkey Day is truly a turkey, and that’s no jive.   

AKA:  Amityville Thanksgiving 2.

PLAY DIRTY (2025) ***

When I heard Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’s Shane Black and Robert Downey, Jr. were reuniting to make a Parker movie, I was overjoyed.  Black’s The Nice Guys is one of the best movies of the last decade, and the Parker books is one of my all-time favorite crime series.  Then, I didn’t hear anything about the project for a while.  When I heard RDJ was replaced by Mark Wahlberg, I was a bit dismayed.  (Downey still hung around and served as producer.)  Not that he’s terrible or anything.   I just couldn’t really see him as Parker.  (To be fair, Downey wasn’t exactly perfect casting either, but I think he could’ve made it work if he dialed down his schtick.)  The good news is Wahlberg fares well enough in the role.  If you go in hoping for a better than average Marky Mark movie, I’d say you’d get your money’s worth. 

The opening robbery scene is a perfect amalgamation of author Donald E. Westlake’s hardboiled style and Black’s brand of humorous violence.  The heist goes off the rails in record time and sometimes in jaw-dropping manner.  This sequence was so much fun that I was pretty much with it from then on.  Heck, I could even admit Marky Mark was OK in the lead. 

In true Parker fashion, our antihero gets ripped off after the score and goes out for revenge.  He hesitates to pull the trigger when the thief who betrayed him (Rosa Salazar from Alita:  Battle Angel) offers to cut him in on an even bigger caper:  Stealing a billion in gold from a small South American country. 

Black surrounds Wahlberg with a top-notch crew of supporting characters.  He gives them the majority of the comic dialogue so Wahlberg can still (more or less) be the stoic leading man.  Lakeith Stanfield is funny as his partner in crime who only steals to support his independent theater productions.  Black’s co-stars from The Predator, Keegan-Michael Key and Thomas Jane are also fun as members of the crew, and Tony Shaloub is amusingly cranky as the head of “The Outfit”. 

Oh, and if you’re a dyed-in-the-wool fan of Black like me, you may or may not fist-pump just at the sight of Christmas decorations.  

Do I wish Play Dirty was more faithful to the character?  Sure.  Did I absolutely enjoy myself? Yup.  Ultimately, Play Dirty is breezy, funny, and violent fun.  It’s rough when it needs to be.  It’s funny when it wants to be.  

I mean, it’s not perfect.  The CGI during the big train derailment scene is a bit wonky.  That said, I enjoyed myself.  Overall, I liked it about as much as Wahlberg’s underrated Spenser reboot. 

I think most fans of the literary Parker have come to terms with the fact we may never get a film adaptation that accurately captures the character’s ruthlessness.  (Mel Gibson probably came the closest in Payback.)  We just hope they are good enough on their own merits until someone else gets a chance to do it right. 

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR (1973) *** ½

Ana (Emma Cohen) is devastated when she finds her overprotective father (Howard Vernon) has committed suicide.  She immediately calls off her wedding and begins playing piano in jazz clubs.  Soon, the voice of her father calls to her from an antique mirror urging her to kill any man who shows interest in her. 

Slow, moody, and sometimes beautiful, The Other Side of the Mirror is a reminder what Jess Franco could do with a little time on his side, a little money in his pocket, and a sturdy script to work with (or at least an intriguing idea).  It’s much more arty than it is exploitative.  (There is some nudity, but nothing approaching the sleaziness the man is known for.)  Like the music the heroine plays, the plot moves like jazz.  It’s loose, freeform, and takes some unexpected detours here and there.  Nevertheless, it has a groovy rhythm, and it’s quite rewarding if you’re patient.  It contains some dreamlike passages and a few haunting moments, which is indicative of what Franco was capable of when he was firing on all cylinders. 

Cohen is quite good as the heroine who seems to spiral whenever a man begins making advances toward her.  Vernon also makes a memorable impression in a small amount of screen time.  The weight of his few scenes in the early going cast a shadow over Cohen’s character.  He remains a striking presence throughout the film long after he's kicked the bucket. 

Sure, The Other Side of the Mirror has some pacing problems.  I mean, we didn’t need to see Cohen’s jazz numbers in their entirety.  That’s a small quibble because when the movie cooks, it’s some gourmet shit.  This is one of Jess Franco’s best.  It’s one that film scholars and Franco aficionados alike can probably agree on. 

Franco also has a cameo as a musician in the jazz club. 

AKA:  The Obscene Mirror.  AKA:  Inside a Dark Mirror.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE II (1996) *

I don’t know why they waited forty-three years to make a sequel to It Came from Outer Space.  They should’ve waited longer.  It Came from Outer Space?  It should go back there. 

I guess it’s not really a sequel since it doesn’t feature any of the same characters.  (In an incredible cost-cutting move, it reuses the same opening titles from the 1953 original movie, just with a superimposed red Roman numeral II.)  That’s the first red flag.  The second red flag is that it was written by Jim and Ken Wheat, who also wrote another years later sequel, The Birds II:  Land’s End, which like this turd also went straight to cable.  This one is better than The Birds 2, but that’s like saying meteor shit is better than bird shit. 

Oh, and it was produced by Tony Dow.  Yes, as in Wally from Leave It to Beaver!  What the fuck?

Brian (King Kong Lives) Kerwin stars as a photographer who returns to his small desert hometown to take some pictures.  One day, he and his young dirt-bike-riding sidekick photograph a strange object that landed out in the desert.  While he tries to figure out what the heck it is, the blue rock lures people inside of it and swaps them out for evil alien doubles. 

It’s funny they reuse the opening meteor crash from the original since that’s probably the best effect in the movie.  I mean, wait until you see the shitty looking CGI storms and cheesy morphing effects.  I know it was the mid-‘90s and all, but… sheesh. 

It’s also hopelessly tame, even for cable TV.  Heck, it could probably run on network television with no edits.  Not only is it weak sauce up and down, it takes forever before anything even happens.  Even then, it’s painfully anticlimactic. 

The cast tried, but the deck was stacked against them from the start.  Kerwin makes for a bland but serviceable hero.   Elizabeth Pena (who deserves better) is good as the single mom to the dirt bike kid.  We also have Bill McKinney, Dean Norris, and The Love Boat’s Lauren Tewes, who is seen watching pornos in one scene.  (They sure couldn’t have shown John Agar doing THAT in the original!)

HARD ‘N HEAVY BABES 1991 VIDEO CALENDAR (1990) ** ½

Hard ‘n Heavy Babes 1991 Video Calendar was a companion tape to the Hard ‘n Heavy series of heavy metal and hard rock VHS compilation tapes.  There are twelve models (one per month) who are interviewed while posing in swimsuits and/or revealing outfits.  Some of the activities they participate in include waking on the beach, relaxing in hot tubs, doing Kung Fu, and waterskiing.  The interview segments are more in-depth than you might expect.  Of course, there’s the typical “what’s your ideal man” kind of chit-chat, but we get to learn what makes some of these girls tick in a relatively short amount of time.  Other models are into motorcycle racing, Rock ‘n Roll, riding horses, fishing, and shooting guns.  Unfortunately, the ratio of “getting to know you” stuff and the modeling scenes is about 50/50, which is kind of bad news if you just want some gratuitous bikini footage. 

Most of the modeling segments are backed by bland “Monster Ballad” style of rock songs.  Because of that, the whole “Hard ‘n Heavy” title is a bit of a misnomer.  It really should’ve been called “Softcore and Lightweight”.  I’m not only speaking from the music standpoint, but from the modeling stuff as this is more of a bikini and cheesecake tape than anything else.  While shots of models rubbing suntan lotion on themselves and skinny dipping are kind of sexy, nothing is shown.  (Unless you count the one segment that features a model doing yoga in a see-thru wet T-shirt.)

So, if you’re hoping for something along the line of a Playboy video, you’re probably going to be disappointed.  However, if you enjoy bikini babe calendar videos like this, you’ll probably dig it.  The best segment is with Miss October, former Penthouse Pet of the Year, Shelia Kennedy.  She also gets the best line in the entire tape:  “I’m an extremely oral person!”

THE DOUBLE-D AVENGER (2001) ***

Kitten Natividad stars as Chastity Knott, a busty bartender who learns she has breast cancer.  Chastity flies down to the South American jungle seeking a miracle cure.  She soon discovers that sucking on some magical fruit instantly makes her cancer go away.  Not only that, but it imbues her with super strength.  Meanwhile, a jealous club owner (G. Larry Butler) thinks Chastity’s bar has been stealing all his business.  He then sends out three buxom beauties to rub her out.  When they accidentally kill her boyfriend instead, Chastity becomes a costumed superheroine named The Double-D Avenger and goes out for revenge. 

The Double-D Avenger was released in 2001, just before Spider-Man came out and Hollywood went crazy for comic book heroes.  It just shows how far ahead of his time writer/director William Winckler was.  This was something of a comeback for Kitten, who actually had breast cancer a few years prior to filming.  It’s nice seeing how the narrative culls from her life story and mixes it in with the fantasy.  She definitely seems to be having fun, and her exuberant performance makes up for a lot of the film’s shortcomings.  It’s also amusing seeing other Russ Meyer actresses like Haji and Raven del la Croix getting an opportunity to get in on the action. 

Speaking of action, Winckler delivers a great chase sequence through a wax museum run by none other than Forrest J. Ackerman.  I also enjoyed the duel with vibrators scene.  Despite a few suggestive moments like that, this could’ve easily been PG-13.  In fact, I was kind of surprised how tame this was.  That doesn’t mean it’s not fun.  I just think at least SOME nudity would’ve helped.  (The dream scene comprised of glamour shots of Kitten in her prime have her nipples blurred out.) 

Look.  You’re either the kind of person who wants to see a woman in her fifties punching people with her boobs or you aren’t.  I’m proud to say I am exactly the audience The Double-D Avenger was made for. 

Winckler’s main gig seems to be adapting anime and Ultraman TV shows into their English language versions.  I’m sure that know-how helped shape the script.  He also came up with some great lines like, “I am Double-Delighted!” and “I’ll give those villains a little tit for tat!”

THE 19TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Well, the world may be going to shit, but there’s always one thing you can count on, and that’s The Video Vacuum Awards.  Now in our 19th year, The Video Vacuum Awards are a celebration of the best (and worst) that Hollywood (and elsewhere) has to offer.  Most award shows spend way too much time on unnecessary crap, but not this one.  We get right down to business.  So with that, we present to you The 19th Annual Video Vacuum Awards already in progress…

BEST STRAIGHT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Devo

Frankenstein

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Havoc 

The Women Eaters!

and the winner is… DEVO!

BEST SEQUEL

and the nominees are…

Ballerina

Black Phone 2

Nobody 2

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… PREDATOR:  BADLANDS!

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE

and the nominees are…

The Long Walk

Mickey 17 

Predator:  Badlands

The Running Man

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… PREDATOR:  BADLANDS!

BEST REMAKE/REBOOT

and the nominees are…

Anaconda

Bugonia

The Fantastic Four:  First Steps 

The Naked Gun

Superman 

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

WORST HORROR MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Opus

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Presence

The Toxic Avenger

Wolf Man

and the LOSER is… PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE!

BEST HORROR MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Black Phone 2

Companion

Heart Eyes

The Monkey

The Ugly Stepsister

and the winner is… COMPANION!

BEST COMEDY

and the nominees are…

Anaconda

Bugonia

Happy Gilmore 2

The Naked Gun

Spinal Tap 2:  The End Continues 

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

BEST ACTION MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Ballerina

Fight or Flight

Nobody 2

Novocaine

A Working Man

and the winner is… NOVOCAINE!

BEST ACTRESS

and the nominees are…

Elle Fanning in Predator:  Badlands

Madeliene McGraw in Black Phone 2

Lea Myren in The Ugly Stepsister

Emma Stone in Bugonia

Sophie Thatcher in Companion

and the winner is… EMMA STONE IN BUGONIA!

BEST ACTOR

and the nominees are…

Leonardo DiCaprio in One Battle After Another

Jesse Plemons in Bugonia

Jack Quaid in Companion

Jack Quaid in Novocaine

The Tapeworm in The Ugly Stepsister

and the winner is… JESSE PLEMONS IN BUGONIA!

BEST DIRECTOR

and the nominees are…

Dan Berk and Robert Olsen for Novocaine

Drew Hancock for Companion

Yorgos Lanthimos for Bugonia

Joachim Ronning for Tron:  Ares

Dan Tractenberg for Predator:  Badlands

and the winner is… YORGOS LANTHIMOS FOR BUGONIA!

WORST MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Star Trek:  Section 31

The Toxic Avenger

War of the Worlds

Wolf Man

and the LOSER is… WAR OF THE WORLDS!

BEST MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Bugonia

Companion

Novocaine

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

It looks like Bugonia is this year’s big winner, taking home six awards.  Thanks to all the winners, losers, nominees, and constant readers of the Vacuum.  Till next year!

THE 19TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay folks, the time is almost nigh.  The moment you’ve been waiting for is fast-approaching.  Of course, I’m talking about the announcement of the winners of The 19th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!  Before that though, we have to present the Technical Awards to the richly deserving winners.  The Technical Awards, if you remember are given to the best films in categories that didn’t have enough entries, so therefore, they are “technically” the winner.  So, without further ado, here we go!

WORST ACTION MOVIE

LOSER:  Den of Thieves:  Pantera

RUNNER-UP:  Mission:  Impossible:  The Final Reckoning

WORST COMEDY

LOSER:  Borderline

BEST DOCUMENTARY

WINNER:  Devo

BEST DRAMA

WINNER:  One Battle After Another

WORST DRAMA

LOSER:  Black Bag

BEST KIDS MOVIE

WINNER:  The Day the Earth Blew Up:  A Looney Tunes Movie

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

The Naked Gun

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

LOSER:  Star Trek:  Section 31

RUNNER-UP:  Mission:  Impossible:  The Final Reckoning

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

Tron:  Ares

BEST PUBLIC DOMAIN SLASHER MOVIE

WINNER:  Popeye’s Revenge

RUNNER-UP:  Screamboat

WORST PUBLIC DOMAIN SLASHER MOVIE

LOSER:  Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

RUNNER=UP:  Shiver Me Timbers

WORST REMAKE/REBOOT

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  The Toxic Avenger

WORST SCI-FI MOVIE

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  Star Trek:  Section 31

WORST SEQUEL

LOSER:  Star Trek:  Section 31

RUNNER-UP:  Jurassic World:  Rebirth

BEST STEPHEN KING MOVIE

WINNER:  The Long Walk

RUNNER-UP:  The Monkey

WORST STRAIGHT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  Star Trek:  Section 31

BEST THRILLER

WINNER:  The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE

LOSER:  Sinners

JOLENE IS IN TOWN (201?) ****

Sometimes my movie-watching habits take me down strange rabbit holes.  Sometimes those rabbit holes converge into an underground labyrinth of WTF Cinema. 

Remember a while back when I was watching all those Lingerie Fighting Championships?  Well, they were taken off Tubi and put back on the company’s site behind a paywall.  Because of that, I hadn’t watched one in a while, and you know what they say?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Because of that, I’ve been jonesing to see my favorite LFC fighter, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx back in action. 

This was not the action I was expecting. 

Okay, remember when I reviewed Eaten Alive:  A Tasteful Revenge?  That, of course, was the movie that cemented my love for W.A.V.E. Productions.  If you’ll recall, the plot had Debbie D. shrinking down naked women and eating them.  Now, at the time I had no idea that was a kink, but apparently “macrophilia” (the sexual attraction to giants) is a pretty (pardon the pun) big deal in some fetish circles. 

So, where do these paths cross?  One day I was curious to see what Jolene was up to, so I Googled her up and lo and behold I found Jolene is in Town.  Now, this isn’t exactly a movie.  I initially wasn’t going to review it since it’s essentially a short fetish clip, but because it’s roughly the same length as Eaten Alive (about twenty-five minutes), I figured I would give the film its due. 

Man, I wasn’t ready for this. 

So, basically, our girl Jolene is a giant who lords over a city.  (A decently constructed model, all things considered.)  No explanation is given why she’s so huge, and honestly, none is needed.  She just stomps around town and occasionally scoops up and eats citizens.  When she gets bored of that, she begins destroying the city, a building at a time. 

I’m not a macrophile, but while watching one of my favorite female fighters of all time stomping on and/or devouring people, I can honestly say I began to see the appeal.  I mean, if I had to be picked up and swallowed whole by a giantess, Jolene would be at the very top of my list. 

The camerawork is surprisingly good for what essentially is a fetish clip.  The shots of the camera looking up at Jolene menacing the town help convey her giantess stature better than you might expect.  I also loved the scenes where she presses her butt, tits, and lips against the window of an office building.  The POV shots of Hexx grabbing the camera and slowly shoving it into her mouth work really well too. 

The effects are about as good as they need to be.  The CGI for the bombers that attack Jolene are kind of cheesy but fit in with the B-Movie vibe.  She definitely looks hot while swatting them out of the air à la King Kong.  Now, every red-blooded monster fan loves King Kong, but I ask you:  Did King Kong ever twerk a skyscraper to death?  I think not. 

It was in scenes like this where I could glean the allure of the fetish.  One can only assume moments like these to be the proverbial money shot.  I could also understand the appeal of the scenes of Hexx literally talking down to the populace and stepping on them.  I mean, if you get off on verbal humiliation and being trampled upon, then this is that to the most extreme degree.  Foot fetish fans should also get a kick (no pun intended) from the scene where Jolene forces the citizens to give her a foot massage. 

Even when you take away the fact that this is a fetish video, you have to admit there in shit in this movie(ish) that you just don’t see every day.  That alone makes it highly recommended.  I know there are people out there with an armpit fetish.  If you do, just wait till you see the scene where Jolene picks up a Lilliputian citizen and smothers him in her armpit.  Somewhere I think Luis Bunuel is smiling. 

So, if you ever watched Allison Hayes in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and thought to yourself… “WOULD”, then you should definitely check out Jolene is in Town.  

RETARD-O-TRON III (2013) ** ½

Here’s the third and as of this writing, final entry in the infamous mixtape series.  Whereas the first two collections had a certain structure, this one feels more like a hodgepodge.  The reoccurring bits aren’t nearly as entertaining this time out (like the cooking show scenes), and it all seems a bit tame compared to the previous installments.  At least there aren’t any Jackass style stunts and skateboarding accidents this time around. 

The most memorable bit revolves around some… shall we say… unorthodox karaoke.  It’s the Japanese clips that are probably the most fun.  They include a synchronized enema fountain, a naughty McDonald’s, a giant soda machine that dispenses topless girls, and a guide to dating that revolves around puking on your partner.  Other highlights showcase mixed wrestling, clips of awful R & B performers on public access TV, a montage of humongous breasts (some of which would make Mariko Morikawa look like a candidate for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee), spaghetti wrestling, a montage of Turkish rip-offs, and an interview with young rappers Kriss Kross.  Although this entry doesn’t have any movie trailers, there are plenty of film clips for connoisseurs of cinematic cheese like Bloodsport, Space Mutiny, The Outer Limits, Lou Ferrigno’s Hercules, Future Force, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, Mr. No Legs, Strike Commando, The Believer’s Heaven, Don’t Go in the House, Easy, TerrorVision, Loose Shoes, Winterbeast, Light Blast, and Rhinestone.  There are also plenty of other wacky excerpts I couldn’t identify including some pretty wild looking Kung Fu, Japanese, and Bollywood movies. 

I will say the porn clips aren’t quite as shocking this time out.  Either that or maybe I’m just becoming more jaded.  Either way, this is a noticeable step down from its predecessors, but there’s still enough here to keep the curious entertained.  Just be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into first. 

RETARD-O-TRON II (2008) ***

Here is another warped mix tape courtesy of the depraved minds at Cinema Sewer.  Like its predecessor, it’s vulgar, disgusting, and often very funny.  The viewer litmus test can be found in the very first segment, which is a compilation of XXX blowjob clips of girls gagging who all sound like Donald Duck squawking.  It’s the kind of thing where once you hear it, you can’t unhear it.  If you already kind of shook your head at that description, then there’s probably no reason to read further. 

The clips from cheesy movies were my favorite bits.  Some of the best moments include the hopelessly white bread rap battle scene from Teen Witch, the turkey monster from Blood Freak, and the giant sheep from Godmonster of Indian Flats.  We also see snippets from the likes of The Killer Shrews, Pieces, Cool as Ice, Robot Monster, Demons 2, From Hell It Came, Lady Terminator, The Calamari Wrestler, Zaat!, Naked Blood, The Giant Claw, The Story of Ricky, and Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot.  Trailers for Eat My Dust, Food of the Gods, Dead End Drive-In, Wonder Women, and Black Shampoo (“A woman entices!  A chainsaw slices!”) are also shown. 

Another fun running theme is the sections on failed TV pilots like The Man with the Power, Men of the Dragon, The Questor Tapes, ExoMan, Northstar, and Infiltrator.  One of the many highlights is a weird video of a naked Steve Vai fan offering herself up to the guitarist (which ends in a truly memorable way).  We are also treated to a bunch of oddball Japanese commercials, extreme wrestling matches, and Arnold Schwarzenegger clips (the funniest being his appearance on The Dating Game).

If you love compilations of weird B-movie shit and can stomach the sight of gonzo porn, you’ll probably dig it.  As with most of these kinds of things, your mileage may vary.  I for one could’ve done without the stuff with the graffiti artists, the Jackass wannabe clips, and the scenes of motorcycle and skateboarding tricks gone wrong.  The gross porn clips (which include women puking goldfish, jizz snorting, and disgusting bloopers) will probably be a dealbreaker for some, but this collection is just as fun, if not better than the first one. 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMITYVILLE (2024) **

No budget maverick Mark Polonia delivers what I believe is the first Amityville western.  In a franchise filled with exponentially more lows than highs, delivering a first for the series is worth something at the very least.  (Then again, since Amityville is in New York I guess that technically makes it an “eastern”.)

It’s 1846 and a couple of bounty hunters (Ken Van Sant and Titus Himmelberger) are after a bank robber named Mathias Black (Noyes J. Lawton).  The trail leads to a small town called (what else?) Amityville, where the townsfolk seem all too eager to have their new arrivals leave as soon as possible.  Turns out they are all under the spell of an evil entity who lords over the town.  It’s then up to our rugged pair of lawmen to confront the entity and set the town free. 

The surprising thing about Once Upon a Time in Amityville is that Polonia handles the western stuff rather well.  I’ve seen so many low budget westerns that look laughably inauthentic when it comes to their western settings.  This one isn’t so bad considering the budget he was working with. 

The Amityville scenes well… let’s just say it all plays out like your typical Polonia joint.  That’s not a knock really, especially if you’re a fan of his work and/or already know what you’re getting into.  I did like how he tried to tie some of the elements back (forward?) to the original movie (like the windows, the glowing eyes, and the flies). 

There are some laughably bad moments along the way.  The reveal of the evil entity will have you in stitches as it looks more or less like a dime store Halloween decoration.  The way it is dispatched is equally amusing.  That’s not quite enough to garner a full-on recommendation (the laughs are pretty scarce up until then), but it’s enough to signal that this is a decent enough fake Amityville (not to mention Polonia) flick. 

THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE (2023) **

The Last Amityville Movie?  Well, we can hope.

A horror YouTuber (writer/director Josh Spiegel) releases a video about the latest Amityville movie, Amityville Zoo.  While his family is out of town, he stays at home making content.  Shortly after someone anonymously sends him a doorknob from the Amityville Horror house, weird things start happening.  He soon finds out that the doorknob carries the Amityville curse and the only way to lift it is to… make an Amityville movie. 

After being pleasantly surprised by the meta spoof Amityville Ripper, I figured I’d give another Amityville movie a shot.  I wasn’t expecting that this too would take the meta approach.  The early scenes of our hero talking about Amityville rip-offs are amusing.  It’s just that once he finds himself in one, the fun quickly dissipates. 

The biggest debit is that much of the film is set in the found footage mold as the story is told through a series of YouTube videos, Zoom calls, and Ring doorbell footage.  It’s essentially Paranormal Activity but with less money and a smaller cast.  The main character isn’t annoying or anything, but he’s not strong enough of a personality to sustain an entire feature, especially when long stretches of the movie are devoted to him all by his lonesome doing long monologues into the camera.  It also doesn’t help that most of the movie revolves around him investigating strange noises.  An hour or so of this may have been tolerable.  At ninety-five minutes, it just feels like a slog. 

Unlike most haunted house movies, this one at least has a plausible reason why our main character doesn’t just leave the house.  (There’s another pandemic going on.)  I also found it amusing how the film’s lone bit of nudity winds up inadvertently getting censored.  However, fun bits like this are more of an exception than the rule.  The CGI deaths are pretty crappy, and the ending is weak too.  Still, as far as fake Amityville movies go, you could do so much worse.