AEROBICISE: THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT (1982) ****

Jane Fonda gets most of the credit for kickstarting America’s interest in workout videos in the ‘80s, but I argue that Ron Harris is just as influential of a figure.  Unlike Jane, who was front-and-center of her videos, Ron worked behind the scenes.  Maybe it was his male gaze that made the Aerobicise series a landmark.  Maybe it was the simplicity of the concept.  Whatever the secret sauce was, Aerobicise was truly a staple of every boy growing up in the ‘80s. 

Most workout videos are filmed on sets that either mimic a gym or a living room.  The idea is that they are inviting the viewer into the world of the tape and making them a part of the exercising experience.  What made Harris’s series unique is that the women were all filmed in a white void.  I think the idea was that it would allow the viewer to concentrate on the performers and the exercises without any other visual stimuli getting in the way.  This would allow them to better understand the techniques and the motions of the participants.  Since the women were all hot and wearing sexy skintight workout attire, it was hard for any red-blooded male viewer to concentrate on anything else.  That innovation is what sets the series apart from its contemporaries. 

Let’s face it.  Men watched these things for the women.  Whenever you see a clip from the show popping up in a movie (most notably Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter), it’s a male chauvinist pig who’s typically watching it.  The visual cue is a shorthand to inform the audience that information without the necessity of dialogue. 

Now, I get a kick from watching old workout videos from the ‘80s.  Maybe that makes me a pig too.  However, I think enough time has passed where we can view this sort of thing as video anthropology and marvel at the retro outfits and appreciate it as highly stylized ‘80s ephemera. 

The tape is light on instruction.  What narration we do get more or less states the obvious.  (“Twist!”, “Stretch!”, “Reach!”)  Oh, and the narrator has a sexy woman’s voice, if you had any confusion as to who the intended audience was. 

The tape is broken up into two episodes.  The first half begins with a “Warm-Up” consisting of head rolls, stretching, and light aerobics.  Then it’s on to “Hands and Knees” exercises where you get down on all fours and gyrate wildly like a dog that just pissed on an electric fence.  Next, it’s “Pelvics”, and if you ever needed proof that God exists and he’s a man, then look no further.  “Aerobics” follows, and it’s full of enough jiggling and wiggling to get your heart rate going... and you don’t even need to leave the couch to do so. 

Then it’s time to “Cool Down”.  This is probably the most misleading segment.  It’s supposed to be full of light stretching exercises to allow the body time to recover after a strenuous workout.  What we are shown however, is a hot blonde sitting spread eagle on the floor rubbing her mound around backwards and forwards and every which way in between.  Cool Down?  I’m heating up over here!  The last time I saw a woman do a Cool Down like that, I had to put dollar bills in her G-string.  Not sufficiently cooled down from that activity, she proceeded to get on all fours like a dog and undulate wildly before kicking her legs high in the air.  After making what looks like sexy snow angels on the ground, she contorts herself up like a nympho hobby horse and rocks back and forth.  How anyone is supposed to perform all this as a “Cool Down” technique is beyond me.  This is some serious Circe de Soliel shit.  (And I loved every second of it.)

The second episode kicks off with another “Warm-Up” where two gorgeous models stand toe to toe and do a slinky little jazzercise dance routine.  Then, it’s back to everyone’s favorite exercise, “Hands and Knees”.  While the movements of the model in this segment can’t top the wild gyrations of the first Hands and Knees sequence, the stellar camerawork and editing make sure that her assets are impeccably displayed throughout.  Next, it’s “Straddle Legs” where the model sits/lays on the floor and moves her legs like a broken windshield wiper.  It takes a bit before we get to the “Straddle” portion of the exercise, but believe me, it’s worth it.  That’s followed by “Sit-Ups”.  This is another example where Harris’s genius is on display.  He takes what in other workout tapes would’ve been a forgettable and boring exercise and thanks to the optimal camera placement, turns it into an erotic work of art.  “Aerobics” is next.  Two models perform acalisthenics routine consisting mostly of variations of Jumping Jacks.  This is probably the most traditional segment of the entire tape and doesn’t feature much of the unhinged qualities I typically enjoy.  That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” though.  Just traditional.  The final segment is another “Cool Down” routine.  It’s a stretching routine that might give Mr. Fantastic issues, especially the part where the model sticks her head between her legs and is about THIS close to kissing her own ass. 

The models, of course, are all beautiful.  One of them is Darcy De Moss from Friday the 13th Part 6.  (The Jason theme continues!)  They really deserve as much credit for the show’s success as Harris because they are among the most limber ladies it’s been my pleasure to watch in a workout tape. 

The camerawork is exquisite too.  By “exquisite”, I mean it captures a lot of shots of cleavage and jiggling buttocks.  The rhythmic motions of the models, combined with the subliminally hypnotic editing and soothing narration makes the whole thing play like ASMR.  And I don’t mean Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.  I’m talking about Awesome Shit Men Respond to.  

You will not find Aerobicise:  The Ultimate Workout in the MoMA.  It is not in The Criterion Collection.  It is not part of the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry.  I hope this review will change all that.

Harris later took the concept and sexed it up even more with Totally Nude Aerobics.

KUNG-FU OF EIGHT DRUNKARDS (1980) ** ½

A waiter tries to remove an old drunk customer from his restaurant, and the boozy geezer beats the snot out of him.  He then begs the old man to teach him Drunken Kung Fu.  When a villain spots the waiter using the Drunken style, he correctly assumes the Kung Fu master (his mortal enemy) is still alive and plans to set a trap for his young pupil. 

Directed by Wu Ma (who also co-directed The Water Margin and All Men are Brothers), Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards is an agreeable if inessential Kung Fu comedy.  If you have a predilection for Drunken Master-style chopsocky, you might grade this one on a higher curve as there are plenty of booze-related training sequences and inebriated fight scenes on display.  While the action is fine for the most part, it’s just lacking a real all-out show-stopping Kung Fu set piece to put it over the top.  (The finale is pretty good, but it’s marred by too much slow motion.)  Despite a generally uneven tone, it’s still a hair or two better than most Drunken Master rip-offs (there’s a decent plot twist in the last ten minutes). 

The problem is that the comedy schtick weighs the whole thing down as a lot of the drunken shenanigans aren’t very funny.  The comic relief sidekick is even worse as his main humorous trait is having a shitty combover.  The movie gets more mileage from unintentionally funny moments like the crappy dubbing and the odd soundtrack choices.  I’m specifically thinking of the random needle drop on a banjo instrumental of “I Wish I Was in Dixie” in some scenes. 

My real issue with Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards though was, was there even eight of them?  I mean I can’t even remember there being eight characters let alone all of them knowing Kung Fu and/or being fall down drunks.  Were they counting the villains too?  If so, I don’t think I ever saw them take a sip of hooch the entire running time.  Argh.

AKA:  Kung Fu of 8 Drunkards.

WHEN THE GODS FALL ASLEEP (1972) ** ½

Director/star Jose Mojica Marins returns in this sequel to The End of Man as Finnis Hominis.  The film begins with the incredible ending of the original.  If you recall, Finnis Hominis arrived on the streets of Sao Paolo and quickly became a messianic figure who amassed a great following.  The final shot then showed him after his work was done returning home to a mental institution! 

Well, Finnis hangs out in his cell for a bit before escaping once again.  He gets right back to work, squashing a beef between two rival street thugs named Chico and Skull with just a few words of wisdom.  He also interrupts a virgin sacrifice and turns the followers against the priests presiding over the ceremony, breaks up a lovers’ quarrel at a Gypsy camp, and crashes a den of inequity. 

Finnis Hominis is sort of like the opposite side of the coin from Coffin Joe.  Although they are both mysterious figures that point out the hypocrisy of societal norms, Finnis dresses in bright colors and has a much sunnier disposition than the sinister Joe.  While the Finnis Hominis films are decent, they aren’t a patch on Coffin Joe’s pictures. 

Now that we know Finnis is actually batshit insane from the very start, his adventures don’t pack the same kind of punch.  As in the first movie, this one flips back and forth from color to black and white in sometimes arbitrary fashion.  It also suffers from an episodic nature.  It’s probably my least favorite of the Marins movies I’ve seen, but it carries enough of his distinct touches to make it worth watching. 

Some sequences are better than others (the romantic drama at the Gypsy camp goes on way too long) and the final twist in this entry is weak, not to mention predictable.  Still, the film contains at least one scene that will have you picking your jaw up off the floor.  About a half hour into the movie, there is a viewer discretion warning for a religious ceremony where people dance wildly and bite the heads off live chickens and drink their blood.  It’s fairly disgusting, and those who are squeamish when it comes to animal abuse will appreciate the heads-up. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 4 (1994) ****

Twisted Sex Vol. 4 is a top tier sexploitation trailer compilation from the depraved minds at Something Weird.  It offers a terrific mix of obscure smut, genuine oddities, stone cold classics, and works from some of the greatest directors in exploitation history.  Because of that, it makes a perfect sampler package of vintage sleazy goodness. 

Fans of nudist movies will enjoy seeing trailers for the likes of Garden of Eden, Some Like It Cool, and Adam Lost His Apple.  Those who favor costume romps will dig the ads for Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, and Pinocchio.  It’s also fun seeing such classic Something Weird fare as The Bloody, The Beautiful, and the Bare, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, and Wilbur and the Baby Factory being represented. 

The wealth of previews for films from the elite filmmakers of the era is what sets Twisted Sex Vol. 4 apart from the rest of the pack.  We have ads for movies from Russ Meyer (The Immoral Mr. Teas), Herschell Gordon Lewis (The Adventures of Lucky Pierre), and Michael and Roberta Findlay (Take Me Naked).  Doris Wishman is especially well represented, so if you’re a fan of the Queen of the Nudies, you’re in for a treat.  There are trailers for Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Nude on the Moon, The Sex Perils of Paulette (in which the title is curiously never mentioned), and Indecent Desires.  Fans of Wishman will also get a kick out of hearing many of the same taglines (like “sex without shame” and “corrupt and immoral”) appearing again and again in ads for Hot Month of August, Bad Girls Go to Hell, and Too Much Too Often

Speaking of taglines, there are plenty of great ones here.  Some of my favorites were for Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures (“When sex goes skin deep!”), Garden of Eden (“The only picture endorsed by the American Sunbathing Association!”), The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare (“SEE the blood crazed fiend!”), and Sex Rituals of the Occult (“Sex Rituals of the Occult is coming!  Are you?”).  There are also a couple of shorts that help pad things out including a color striptease short called A Wild Night at the Interlude and something called Strange Sex Dreams which is neither strange nor sexy, but it is certainly something weird!

The complete trailer list is as follows: Hot Frustrations, The Sisters, Soft Skin on Black Silk, The Price of Flesh, Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures, The Alley Cats, Hot Month of August, Garden of Eden, The Immoral Mr. Teas, The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Adam Lost His Apple, Nude on the Moon, The Sun, the Place, and the Girls, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, a Santa Claus bumper, My Baby is Black!, The Warm, Warm Bed, The Sex Perils of Paulette, Take Me Naked, Bad Girls Go to Hell, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, Indecent Desires, Guess Who’s Coming?, Too Much Too Often, Days of Sin and Nights of Nymphomania, A Wild Night at the Interlude (short), Whip’s Women, The Sexperts: Touched by Temptation, Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, Sexcapade in Mexico, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, Pinocchio, The Nine Ages of Nakedness, Wilbur and the Baby Factory, The Toy Box, Sex Rituals of the Occult, Strange Sex Dreams (short), and Liz.

AWAKENING OF THE BEAST (1970) ****

Nearly a quarter of a century before Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, Jose Mojica Marins made a similarly Meta sequel to his Coffin Joe franchise that blurred the line between “reel” and “real”.  It’s not as consistent as his earlier films, but it is pure dynamite when it really gets cooking. 

A shrink bemoans the increasingly abhorrent sexual behavior in society, particularly when it comes to young people and drug abuse.  He seems to want to lay much of the blame on the films of Jose Mojica Marins.  While preparing his next book, he performs an experiment where he gives the subjects LSD after watching This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse.  They then proceed to experience hellacious visions of torture starring none other than Coffin Joe himself. 

Awakening of the Beast is a tad uneven at times, but there’s so many jaw dropping moments here that it manages to be more than a sum of its parts.  The first act of the movie is pure sexploitation.  The unconnected segments almost play like a precursor to the Schoolgirl Report series.  Marins appears briefly in the second act as himself as he is forced to defend his work against baseless accusations. 

Those frustrated by the lack of Coffin Joe in the first hour will be rewarded in the third act.  It’s here where Marins takes center stage as Coffin Joe appears to guide the test subjects through their drug trip.  From this point on, the movie really kicks ass.  Right after the characters take acid, the film switches to color (just like This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse) and Marins’ flair for ghoulish spectacle is on full display.  I’m not saying I understood some of it and I’m not sure “understanding” it was the point.  (It is one long drug trip after all.)  What I do know is some of the shit in the last ten minutes or so is unforgettable.  (Those “buttheads” are especially freaky.)  Because of that, Awakening of the Beast is one hell of a trip. 

AKA:  Ritual of the Maniacs.

THE STRANGE WORLD OF COFFIN JOE (1968) ****

After the incredible one-two punch of At Midnight I Take Your Soul and This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse, director Jose Mojica Marins and his amazing creation Coffin Joe made a slight pivot.  This time he returns with a wild horror anthology that is nearly as good as its predecessors.  Despite the fact that it’s called The Strange World of Coffin Joe, the title character only appears briefly in the intro.  (At least Marins takes center stage in the third story where he plays a thinly veiled variation on Joe.)

The first story is “The Dollmaker” (****).  An old man and his four virginal daughters make beautifully handcrafted dolls.  One night, four men break into their home and rape the daughters.  The men soon learn the terrible secret behind the dolls’ lifelike eyes. 

If you’re making a horror anthology, having a story about creepy dolls is a veritable prerequisite.  What’s interesting about this one is that it doesn’t lean into the supernatural realm as it’s essentially a tale of revenge.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t atmospheric as hell.  The shots of the eyeless dolls’ empty sockets are particularly eerie. 

“Obsession” (****) is next.  A pathetic balloon salesman pines for a sexy woman who passes him by on a daily basis.  After the woman is murdered (on her wedding day, no less), the hunchbacked street vendor sneaks into the woman’s crypt and violates her corpse. 

This one has a great gimmick as it’s told without dialogue.  That helps to amplify the atmosphere that Marins has created.  He also does a fine job of tiptoeing around some pretty icky subject matter.  Some may be miffed by the abrupt ending, but the fact that there is essentially (spoiler) no plot twist is more surprising than anything O. Henry could’ve come up with. 

The final tale is “Ideology” (****).  Marins stars as a professor who goes on national television and claims love doesn’t exist.  One of the hosts is intrigued by his proclamation and the professor invites him and his wife to his home.  There, he shows them various displays of vulgar lust and depraved degradation and puts their love to the test. 

Although Marins dresses similarly to Coffin Joe, he acts differently enough to make the professor come off as a distinct character in his own right.  He still has the same kind of hardline viewpoints that make Joe so much fun.  Directing wise he does another fantastic job.  Marins effectively blurs the line between sex and horror during the sequences inside the professor’s dungeon where the kinky goings on make Madame Olga look like Mother Teresa.

So, if you like your horror anthologies a bit more on the depraved side, you should definitely take a trip to The Strange World of Coffin Joe.

THIS NIGHT I’LL POSSESS YOUR CORPSE (1967) ****

Coffin Joe (Jose Mojica Marins) returns looking for a woman who will give him a male offspring.  (“Man is only immortal through the fetus!”)  To achieve his goal, he kidnaps women from his village, which naturally riles up the menfolk.  He eventually finds his mate in Laura (Tina Wohlers) who says, “I don’t mind being the mistress of the Devil!”

What I like about Joe is that although he is technically correct about some of his ideals, the way he goes about fulfilling his ambitions is often monstrous.  In some ways, he reminds me of Magneto in that he rallies against the evil inherent in man in an evil way.  However, he is insulated by his beliefs, which makes him blind to the fact that he is fighting tyranny by being tyrannical. 

He’s also full of fascinating contradictions.  Even though he detests people, he has a soft spot for kids and even saves one from being struck by a motorist.  Yes, I know a main character that’s obsessed with eugenics and creating a “perfect race” would be considered “problematic” by today’s standards.  That said, with his top hat, unibrow, and long ass nails, Coffin Joe is such a badass that you can’t help but root for him. 

This sequel to At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul is full of impressive and atmospheric sequences.  The highlight comes when Coffin Joe unleashes a horde of spiders on his potential brides while they are sleeping.  There’s also a gnarly bit where he throws acid in a woman’s face.  When we’re talking about Marins as a director, the most obvious comparison is Mario Bava.  However, it’s the strong religious and social themes that set his work apart from his contemporaries and makes him a one-of-a-kind filmmaker. 

The movie really takes off when Joe is dragged down into Hell.  It’s here where the film switches from black and white to full color.  Think Wizard of Oz, but like a hundred times cooler.  Speaking of being cool, Marins’ depiction of Hell is one of the most inventive and original in cinema history.  Instead of the traditional flames, Hell is an endless series of icy caverns where workers whip and stab frozen prisoners. 

Marins’ next was The Strange World of Coffin Joe. 

AKA:  This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse.  AKA:  This Night Will Make Your Corpse Incarnate.  AKA:  Tonight I Will Eat Your Corpse.  AKA:  Tonight I Will Make Your Corpse Turn Red.  AKA:  Tonight I Will Paint in Flesh Color.  

FACES OF DEATH (2026) ** ½

Remaking Faces of Death is a risky proposition.  Renting the video was a rite of passage for many people back in the ‘80s.  Word of mouth (most of which stemmed from its questionable authenticity), combined with its notoriety, ensured it would have a long shelf life.  (One character in this movie refers to it as “the original viral video!”)  How can you replicate that kind of success in the age of social media and Tik Tok where you can see all kinds of fucked-up shit on your phone?   Well, the filmmakers have come up with a way, and it works… up to a point. 

The conceit is that a serial killer is remaking scenes from Faces of Death and posting them on a social media platform called Kino.  Barbie Ferreira is a moderator for the site who flags suspicious and/or inappropriate content.  When the videos cross her desk, she is fascinated and appalled by them.  She does some digging and learns the killer’s location and sets out to save his latest victim.  By doing so, she runs the risk of starring in his next recreation. 

If you have to remake Faces of Death in this day and age, I guess this is the way to go about it.  However, it’s a “damned if you, damned if you don’t” proposal.  If you go too hard on the gore, you’ll get called out for taking things too far.  If you water it down, you run the risk of alienating fans of the series.  By taking the Meta approach, the film is able to let itself off the hook.  Since a “bad guy” is committing the crimes, it absolves the viewer from any guilt of watching scenes of death and slaughter.  Instead, it flips the guilt to the characters in the film that want to be “internet famous”. 

There are some good moments here to be sure.  The recreations of the scenes from the original are well done.  The biggest kick, however, comes from seeing clips of the original on the big screen, albeit briefly.  I also liked the fact that Barbie was a plus-sized Final Girl, which is something you rarely see in horror, if ever. 

I just have a feeling that if you took Faces of Death out of the equation, there wouldn’t be much to it.  If the killer was making a regular snuff movie, it would’ve been okay, I guess.  The Meta approach certainly gives it an interesting wrinkle, but unfortunately the filmmakers kind of sever the connection to the original by the time the third act rolls around, and the killer begins taking “artistic license” with the murders. 

Oh, and despite what you may have been led to believe, Charli XCX is barely in the movie.  She has two brief scenes as Barbie’s snippy coworker.  At least she acts like a total brat. 

Overall, Faces of Death isn’t bad.  Strictly taken as a slasher film, it gets the job done.  I just have a suspicion that no one is going to be sneaking it into slumber parties or renting it as a rite of passage any time soon. 

BRING HER BACK (2025) ** ½

After the death of their father, a pair of siblings, Andy (Billy Barratt) and Piper (Sora Wong) are placed in foster care.  Their new foster mom Laura (The Shape of Water’s Sally Hawkins) dotes on the blind Piper and pretty much ignores Andy.  Right away, we learn something screwy is going on as her other ward Ollie (Jonah Wren Phillips) tries to strangle cats and eat knives.  Laura’s obviously off her rocker too as she manipulates both her new foster kids, but naturally, Piper is unaware of what’s going on.  Eventually, we discover Laura has her dead daughter locked in her freezer and she’s using Piper to… well… read the title. 

Bring Her Back comes to us from Danny and Michael Pillipou, the directing brothers behind Talk to Me.  Like that film, this one has some good moments.  I think I might give Bring Her Back the slight edge since it contains some choice gnarly bits of gruesomeness tucked in here and there.  (Like when the little kid starts eating everything in sight.)

Unfortunately, it’s one of those slow burn deals that takes its sweet time to get where it’s going.  Since we already pretty much know the destination, it makes for a rather long trip.  It doesn’t help that the audience is at an advantage since Piper is unaware of the shenanigans her new mum is pulling.  Add to that the fact the film relies on rather sensitive subject matter (grief, child abuse, foster care, etc.) for its shocks.  You also have to put up with the cliched scenes where nobody believes Andy (even Piper). 

The young cast members are quite good though.  Phillips is especially memorable as the creepy kid who runs around the third act with a distended stomach.  As the foster mom you love to hate, Hawkins really plays the role to the hilt.  Maybe if they decide to do a sequel they’ll bring her back. 

CRIME STORY (1996) ** ½

I remember renting this when it first came out but the tape was messed up, so I couldn’t watch past the first five minutes.  The store didn’t have another copy, so I never got around to checking it out.  Till now. 

Jackie Chan is a detective trying to foil the kidnapping of a crooked businessman.  He soon becomes suspicious of the detective he’s been partnered with.  Before long, he’s convinced the potentially crooked cop is the mastermind behind the abduction. 

Directed by Kirk Wong, Crime Story is definitely an outlier in Chan’s filmography.  I do find it interesting that one of the things that made Chan balk at becoming an action star in America during his brief stint in Hollywood in the ‘80s was his resistance to being groomed as a serious action hero, preferring to keep his jovial comical persona that he perfected in his Hong Kong movies.  However, Crime Story finds him in Hong Kong playing the kind of role he wasn’t keen on in America.  It’s a tough, mean, and sometimes violent movie; a real departure for Jackie to be sure. 

That’s not to say the stunt work isn’t great.  (There’s an impressive scene during a car chase where Chan drives a car down a steep incline.)  It’s just that it relies heavily on car chases and shootouts rather than the usual comedic hand-to-hand fighting and stunts we normally associate with Jackie.  We still get an okay fight scene atop some bamboo scaffolding and a snappy one on one fight between Chan and a suspect in the police station though. 

The results are fine.  It’s watchable.  The pacing is decent and the action is strong enough to give it a marginal recommendation.  (Lots of stuff goes boom in the finale.)  It’s just that if you’re looking for the heart, inventiveness, humor, and frankly, fun that made Chan a legend, you won’t find it here. 

Wong later came to America and directed Mark Wahlberg in The Big Hit (which incidentally felt more like a Chan movie than this one). 

AKA:  Hard to Die.  AKA:  New Police Story.  AKA:  Police Dragon.  AKA:  Serious Crimes Squad.

THE INSTRUCTOR (1984) ***

Bob Chaney IS The Instructor.  When he’s not imparting wisdom to his young karate students, he’s trying to avoid conflicts with the rival karate school in town.  After his best friend Thumper is severely beaten, The Instructor goes out for revenge. 

The Instructor is exactly the kind of Grade Z regional low budget action film I enjoy.  It contains equal amounts of awful and awesome, and the results are enormously entertaining more often than not.  If you were a fan of movies like Miami Connection and Champagne and Bullets, you should definitely check it out. 

Chaney (who looks like Burt Reynolds after receiving a nasty bee sting) is OK in the lead, but it’s the character of Mr. Fender that deserves recognition.  He has got to be the strangest supporting character I’ve seen in a long time.  He’s a middle-aged dude with Special Needs who picks his nose and looks like Dom DeLuise.  When we first see him, he’s running around town in a Ninja outfit trying to beat up little kids.  Later, during a big karate tournament, we inexplicably hear his inner monologue as he rationalizes stealing a trophy in the middle of a fight, which leads to tragedy.  His inclusion into this tomfoolery certainly adds to the WTF Factor. 

The fight scenes are mostly inept, but there are a few legitimately great moments sprinkled about.  I liked the early scene where Chaney takes on a Warriors-inspired gang and the part where his female student fends off some rapists works well too.  However, it’s the extended chase sequence that concludes the film that is the most memorable (and professional).  This scene features everything but the kitchen sink;  Corvettes, dirt bikes, chainsaws, waterfalls…  You name it, it’s got it.  It’s curious that the karate fights may actually be the weakest parts of the movie, which is odd considering it’s called… The Instructor. 

This was a “one and done” deal for Chaney and the director Don Bendell, who also played his best friend, Thumper.  Neither made any movies before or since.  I guess they wanted to quit while they were ahead. 

MOLE MEN AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1964) ** ½

Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules was part of a series of Italian musclemen movies that were repackaged and redubbed by Avco Embassy Pictures who sold them directly to American TV as “Sons of Hercules” adventures.  This one stars Mark Forest as Maciste.  You might remember him from The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules in which he also played the same character. 

As far as the Sons of Hercules go, Maciste is probably the best of them.  When most guys go fishing, they’re lucky if they catch a tuna.  This guy reels in a whale in the opening scene.

This time out, Maciste battles a race of albino warriors who live underground called Mole Men who get killed whenever they go out into the sun.  They sneak to the surface at night and kidnap villagers who are used as slaves in their underground lair.  Maciste rescues Bangor (Paul Wynter) from their clutches, then decides to get recaptured so he can save the villagers.  Naturally, the evil queen (Moira Orfei) who lords over the Mole Men falls for Maciste.

Forest is solid in the lead.  He’s nothing special or anything, but he gets the job done.  Orfei is a feast for the eyes though.  She is a busty beauty who makes for an ideal evil queen who dresses like a Vegas showgirl after a three-day bender.  Wynter also does a fine job as his sidekick Bangor.  Speaking of which, as always in these movies, the “Sons of Hercules” theme song is a real banger. 

The highlight of the silliness comes when Maciste battles an ape man in a cage match for the hand of the queen in marriage.  The monster is equal parts awful and awesome as it resembles Trog on steroids.  Another good scene comes when the queen hooks Maciste to a contraption that looks like a cross between a torture rack and a home gym and makes him lift weights until he croaks (which of course, he doesn’t). 

Mole Men Against the Sons of Hercules works in fits and starts, but the weak finale kind of prevents it from garnering a *** rating.  Still, it remains mildly amusing for fans of this sort of stuff.  One thing of note is the dubbing pronounces our hero’s name as more of “Majest-is” rather than the traditional “My-cheesesteak”, which probably won’t matter to the casual viewer.  For folks like me who’ve seen at least a half dozen or so of these things, it’ll feel strange. 

AKA:  Maciste and the Night Queen.  AKA:  The Strongest Man in the World.  AKA:  Mole Men vs. the Son of Hercules.

THE BOUNCER (2019) ** ½

Jean-Claude Van Damme stars a bouncer and single father who’s just trying to make ends meet.  A cop approaches him to narc on the owner of the club, who is obviously into some shady shit.  Pretty soon, his boss has him running “errands”, and he quickly works up the ranks and becomes his bodyguard.  Van Damme eventually learns the hard way the criminals are more trustworthy than the police. 

The Bouncer is an ideal kind of vehicle for Van Damme at this stage of his career as it allows him to flex both his fighting and acting muscles in equal measure.  He does a lot with a little as he relies less on dialogue (which is quite sparse) and more on his weary reactions to the predicaments he finds himself involved in.  I think this is definitely the kind of role Van Damme should be taking nowadays.  His performance is easily the best thing about the movie, and one only wishes the script was a bit tighter.  It’s also unfortunate that no one else in the cast even comes close to matching the level of his performance. 

In terms of action, the film is a bit of a mixed bag.  The highpoint is the scene where Van Damme interviews for a bouncing job.  All the applicants must fight each other in all-out brawl, with the last man standing receiving the job.  One or two more sequences of this caliber would’ve easily put this into *** territory.  It’s just a shame the car chases and shootouts weren’t done with the same kind of flair.  

Director Julien Leclercq favors long handheld tracking shots from behind Van Damme, which gives it a gritty feel of an independent movie.  By doing so, it winds up having a foot in both the independent drama and the DTV action worlds.  It ultimately never quite figures out which way it wants to lean.  Because of that, the film doesn’t ever really catch fire, despite the spark Van Damme brings to the role.  That said, The Bouncer remains a solid effort, all things considered. 

AKA:  Lukas.

THE “HUMAN” FACTOR (1975) **

George Kennedy stars as a family man working as a computer analyst for the American military in Italy.  One night he comes home to find his wife and kids brutally murdered.  He then uses the military’s state-of-the-art computer equipment (well, for the ‘70s anyway) to track down the killers.  Kennedy eventually pinpoints the culprits to a terrorist organization and sets out to get even. 

The “Human” Factor was the final film for director Edward (The Caine Mutiny) Dmytryk.  He’s an Old Hollywood kind of director, so his style doesn’t really mesh with a ‘70s thriller.  I mean this might contain the only car chase scene in history where the hero actually stops at a red light.  To be fair, even the best action director would’ve had a difficult time making a foot chase with the slow and husky Kennedy exciting.  The grocery store shootout in the finale is pretty badass though, but it’s ultimately too little too late. 

This must’ve been really high-tech stuff back in the ‘70s, but watching it now is a different story.  The long scenes of George hooking up his computer to a phone line and frittering away at his keyboard really bog things down.  Some may get a tinge of nostalgia for all the antiquated computer technology on display.  Those hoping for a legit thriller are going to be shifting in their seats. 

Not to mention the fact that Kennedy is sorely miscast in the lead.  I mean when you think “computer analyst”, big George isn’t exactly the first guy who comes to mind.  Another problem is the fact he spends too much time at the keyboard and not enough time kicking ass.  It’s also a little unfortunate that Kennedy’s high-tech computer is called “9/11”.  The supporting cast, which includes John Mills as Kennedy’s coworker and friend and Arthur (Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man) Franz as a general, is solid though. 

SCREAM 7 (2026) ***

Ghost Face(s) is on the loose once again.  This time they come after not only the O.G. Final Girl of the series, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) but her teenage daughter Tatum (Isabel May) as well.  Making it even harder to unmask the killers is the fact that they hide their identities behind AI technology. 

It took a while for me to get around to seeing Scream 7.  The early reviews were toxic, which was surprising, especially considering the fact that they brought Neve back to the franchise.  Maybe it was the low expectations, but I thought this was one of the best entries in the series. 

Maybe the hate was centered around the killers’ use of AI.  I know it’s low hanging fruit, but I thought it was implemented well enough.  I mean Ghost Face has always hidden behind a voice modulator.  Hiding his face behind AI that alters his appearance on Face Time calls just feels like the next step in the technological order. 

Having original screenwriter Kevin Williamson back to not only co-write the script, but direct was a no-brainer.  I’m actually surprised it took them so long to bring him back to the franchise.  He does a fine job behind the camera and delivers some solid suspense sequences.  The opening set piece (set at the original Scream house, which has been retrofitted into an Airbnb) gets the movie off to a strong start.  We also get fun stalk and slash scenes in a theater, behind a wall, and in a tavern.  Williamson also ups the gore too and gives us at least one applause worthy death that plays like a riff on the famous kill from My Bloody Valentine. 

The thing that makes the film work is that Sidney is once again front and center where she belongs.  It’s a nice change of pace from all that “passing the torch” crap they have been trying to sell us for the past few entries.  Just give her a daughter who’s a chip of the old block and have them kick Ghost Face’s butt together.  Williamson keeps it simple and the results are damned entertaining, especially for a seventh entry in a long running slasher series. 

OBLIVION (1994) ***

Longtime Incredible Hulk scribe Peter David wrote this low budget Sci-Fi western for Full Moon.  It’s got a great cast, some genuine laughs, and moves at a breezy pace.  It’s definitely one of the company’s better mid-'90s efforts. 

Andrew Divoff is Redeye, a snake-faced outlaw who takes over the titular futuristic Wild West town and kills the sheriff.  His son Zack (Richard Joseph Paul) comes to town, but since he’s an empath, he refuses to get involved.  Once Redeye and his gang take the pretty Miss Mattie (Jackie Swanson) hostage, Zach sets aside his nonviolent ways to kick some alien ass. 

Directed by Sam (Elvira’s Haunted Hills) Irvin, Oblivion is a rip-roaring good time.  The only fault I could find with his direction was that he goes a bit overboard with the slow-motion in some scenes.   It would’ve been different if he was doing a homage to Spaghetti Westerns or something, but it just seems like a way to draw out the action.  However, that’s just a minor drawback, all things considered. 

David’s script isn’t exactly “smart” but it is pretty clever.  I enjoyed the “futuristic” touches like a Wild West town having an ATM and the cowboys playing handheld video poker.  The funniest scene is when a somber funeral is interrupted by a bingo game in the next room.  The fun giant scorpion stop motion monsters by David Allen are cool too. 

The leads aren’t as good as the supporting cast but that’s perfectly acceptable, especially when everyone seems to be having a ball. Julie Newmar is a hoot as Miss Kitty, the madam of a brothel who still purrs like she’s playing Catwoman.  We also have Carel (Twin Peaks) Struycken as a psychic undertaker, Musetta Vander (who kind of resembles a Great Value Ornella Muti) as Divoff’s whip wielding dominatrix cowgirl sidekick, Meg Foster as a cyborg deputy, Star Trek’s George Takei as the town drunk, and Isaac Hayes as a trader. 

David’s script has plenty of solid one-liners too. One of my favorites came when Divoff told his slow-witted henchman, “I have hemorrhoids smarter than you!”  It’s Takei who gets the best line in the scene where he gets drunk on Jim Beam and says, “Jim, beam me up!”

AKA:  Aliens and Desperados.  AKA:  Alien Desperados.  AKA:  Welcome to Oblivion. 

ULTRAMAN: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS (1987) **

Hanna-Barbera teamed up with Tsuburaya Productions for this cartoon adaptation of the beloved Japanese superhero Ultraman for American audiences.  It’s kind of ho-hum, and it suffers from some needlessly Americanized aspects.  Still, Ultraman completists will want to check it out.

Three stunt pilots have a near death experience and are saved by aliens who fuse with their bodies to make them Ultramen.  Meanwhile, monsters from a distant nebula fall to Earth hidden inside of asteroids.  The pilots eventually embrace their new powers by doing battle with a plant monster in New Orleans, a robotic lizard in San Francisco, a clumsy dinosaur in Utah, and finally a monster that grows at an exponential rate in New York. 

Even though the film is from Hanna-Barbera, the animation itself looks closer to a typical Japanese anime.  It is kind of neat seeing the Japanese mythology tweaked for US audiences, as is the way they make use of American iconography.  (Ultraman bases are hidden inside of golf courses and Mount Rushmore.)  However, the Americanization takes away some of the uniquely Japanese aspects of the source material and as a consequence, it feels more like a watered-down imitation.  In an effort to make something more accessible, the producers have wound up making it more generic. 

The brash pilots (voiced by Michael Lembeck, Chad Everett, and Adrienne Barbeau) aren’t really endearing (I think Top Gun was a major influence here) and their comic relief robot companions are pretty annoying too.  Also, even though this was intended as a feature length standalone movie, it still feels like a bunch of episodes strung together, thanks to the fractured narrative.  That said, Ultraman:  The Adventure Begins is essentially a goofy cartoon meant for kids and maybe a dude in his forties shouldn’t be over-analyzing every little detail of it. 

AKA:  Ultraman:  USA.

ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS: BLOOD OF THE LEOPARD (1993) *** ½

Lin Chung (Tony Ka Fai Leung) is a benevolent soldier and Kung Fu expert.  His beautiful wife (Joey Wang) catches the eye of a sleazy lowlife who also happens to be the pampered son of a high ranking general.  Meanwhile, Lin Chung befriends an obnoxious but knowledgeable Kung Fu monk named Ru (Elvis Tsui) and the pair becomes inseparable.  After Chung is framed for an attempted assassination, he is punished and sent to the front line of battle.  While he is away, his wife is killed by her stalker.  Naturally, Chung and Ru go out for revenge. 

Based on the Chinese classic, The Water Margin (which had been filmed many times before), this ‘90s version of the historical Kung Fu epic has a little something for everybody.  There’s romance, comedy, drama, and of course, lots of action.  The various sword fights and Kung Fu battles are handled with a lot of pizzazz and feature some impressive and frenetic wirework.  We even get a couple of brief (but choice) gory moments as there is at least one memorable beheading scene and one semi-comic bit in which a guy is cut in half lengthwise. 

The dynamic between Ru, Ching, and his wife is what sets All Men are Brothers apart from similar action epics of the era.  There's a funny scene where the monk spends the night at our hero’s house and has a quiet Kung Fu duel with his host, so they won’t wake up his wife.  Her reactions aren’t too different from a wife who has to put up with her husband and his best drinking buddy.  Except instead of pounding cans of Budweiser, these guys just Kung Fu one another at all hours of the night.  Tsui gets some solid laughs as Ru and together with Leung, they make an amusing team.  Their camaraderie and chemistry helps make this one a real winner. 

AKA:  The Water Margin:  The True Colors of Heroes.  AKA:  The True Colors of a Hero.  AKA:  Waterside Story:  Heroic Character. 

THE LATE LATE LATE SHOW (199?) **

The Late Late Late Show is one of the lesser Something Weird compilations.  It’s mostly an assemblage of trailers for Eurospy movies (Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom), but it’s padded out with assorted odds and ends from various other genres.  There are ads for Westerns (The Fury of the Apaches, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Duel of Fire), Viking flicks (King of the Vikings), war pictures (Escape from Saigon), jungle movies (Prisoners of the Jungle), sword and sandal epics (Messalina, Hercules of the Desert), and swashbucklers (Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea).   

It ends with a short called The Gentleman in Room 6, which is told entirely in first person POV.  The gimmick is used to conceal the main character’s identity until the last shot, but you’ll probably figure out who it is long before then.

I certainly give it points for finding trailers for so many rare films.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve heard of, let alone seen any of the titles featured in this collection.  While I can’t say it’s great, it’s still worth a look, if only because there are more trailers for obscure movies here than you can shake a stick at.  I will say that “obscure” doesn’t necessarily translate into “entertaining”.  Most of the trailers are tepid at best, so fans of more exploitative fare might want to skip this one.  Some previews are heavily padded with publicity stills like Duel of Fire and Operation Gold Ingot.  Also, the biggest names here are Fernando Lamas, Eddie Constantine (who appears most frequently), and Aldo Ray, which adds to the obscure vibes. 

Only you know for sure if you can stand an hour or so of ho-hum espionage trailers.  The problem is that there is a sameness to many of the trailers (including the use of similar fonts and the same announcer’s voice frequently reappearing), which makes the hour-long running time feel a bit longer.  If, however, you do have a very particular itch to scratch, then The Late Late Late Show is just the salve you’re looking for. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Fury of the Apaches, Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom, M.M.M. 83, X-Ray of a Killer, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Eyes of the Sahara, Dangerous Agent, King of the Vikings, Duel of Fire, Walls of Fear, Stranger from Hong-Kong, Killer Spy, Secret File 1413, Operation Gold Ingot, Escape from Saigon, Headlines of Destruction, The Black Monocle, Death Pays in Dollars, Sergeant X of the Foreign Legion, Nest of Spies, Prisoners of the Jungle, Messalina, Hercules of the Desert, Sea Fighters, Destination Fury, Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea, and The Gentleman in Room 6. 

ART OF WAR (1978) **

A guy moseys into town and befriends two fugitives.  When a slaver murders their favorite street vendor in cold blood, they team up with the cook’s son to get revenge.  Adding to the urgency of the situation is the fact that our hero’s fiancée has also been kidnapped by the slaver. 

The comedy portions of Art of War are brutally unfunny and are often a chore to get through.  In an especially unbelievable scene, one of the comic relief sidekicks plays a trick on our hero and pisses on his head.  This of course makes them best friends.  What the actual fuck.  In most Kung Fu movies that would normally get the guy a first-rate ass-kicking, but here it’s a heartwarming scene of male bonding. 

The fight scenes are… fine.  They wouldn’t make or break the movie one way or the other anyway.  They certainly would’ve played better without all the comedy sound effects.  In fact, the fights feel secondary to all the comic relief shenanigans.  (The guys all have goofy names like Plum Flower, Crazy Sabre, and Wild Chicken, if that gives you an idea of what we’re dealing with here.)  Plus, the subtitles on the copy I saw were small, blurry, and hard to read (especially when they appear on top of a white background), which didn’t help matters at all. 

Still, I have a rule, and that’s if a movie can show me something I’ve never seen before, I can’t judge it too harshly.  Art of War has at least one jaw-dropping scene that’s worthy of praise.  I’m talking about the part where the street vendor is killed.  The villain takes a bite of chicken and finds a bone in it.  Disgusted, he spits the bone out and it impales the guy in the middle of the forehead, killing him instantly.  The rest of the flick ain’t so hot, but that scene is finger-licking good. 

AKA:  Kung Fu Means Fists, Strikes and Swords.