THE CONTRACTOR (2022) **

Chris Pine stars as a soldier who gets kicked out of the Army for juicing.  Facing insurmountable debt, he decides the only way he can feed his family is to go to work for Kiefer Sutherland doing shady Black Ops shit.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  Shit goes down on Pine’s first mission, and he is predictably double-crossed.  He then has to go after the people who set him up and make sure they don’t go after his family either. 

The Contractor reunites the stars of Hell or High Water, Chris Pine and Ben Foster.  That’s about where the comparisons end.  If you go into this expecting a film half as good as that one, you’re going to be severely disappointed. 

Director Tarik Saleh’s motive seems to be take a solemn action movie and dress it up like a dramatic character study.  This works in the first act as this stretch is full of mundane scenes of the hero’s home life that look like they came out of an independent drama.  Sadly, the action scenes are handled in the same mundane manner.  That means they never really heat up or cause your pulse to quicken because they are staged in such a disinterested way. 

The dull scenes of Pine gathering intel, staking out his targets, and getting into fisticuffs and shootouts might’ve worked had they been done with a little bit of style, but the film looks and feels more like a Prime original TV show than a feature.  I appreciate the fact they were trying to do a stripped-down version of a tried-and-true story.  Honestly, unless you have some style or substance to back up the lack of depth, you’re not left with very much I’m afraid. 

Even the script feels like a lukewarm first draft.  The biggest surprise in the third act is that the only surprise they could manage would only surprise someone who’d never seen a movie before.  I’d call it “by the numbers”, but that would be an insult to numbers. 

Pine’s charisma does all the heavy lifting here.  His performance is really the only thing worth a damn in the film.  (Although Foster isn’t bad either.)  When the script, direction, and action are all subpar, he’s pretty much the whole show.  Unless you’re dying to see every movie in his filmography, I’d say this one is easily skippable.  

HOW TO SEDUCE A WOMAN (1974) *

A group of friends sit around a bar and tell a reporter stories of how they used to help their Casanova wannabe pal Luther Lucas (Angus Duncan) score with chicks.  One says she’s Greta Garbo to lure a prospective plaything to a dinner party.  Another gets him set up as a patient of a sexy TV doctor (named “Dr. Sisters”).  Other schemes involve our hero pretending to be gay, posing as an artist, and seducing his uptight secretary who is helping him write a book about his exploits. 

Most of the ploys to land women in bed are sub-sitcom types of scenarios.  Many of them are dire and unfunny, especially the one where Luther pretends to be gay.  Maybe they would’ve been bearable if the segments ran about ten minutes or so, but each one clocks in at about twenty or twenty-five, and they all feel twice that length.  That’s the biggest crime with How to Succeed with Women, the over length.  It’s a dreary one-hundred-and-eight minutes, and it doesn’t even have one and a half laughs. 

It’s also never made clear why our hero’s friends help him in his quest to ensnare unsuspecting dates.  I mean, it’s obvious he needs all the help he can get as he has zero rizz.  It’s just a mystery why everyone in his inner circle devotes so much of their free time to getting this jackass laid.  The framing device is really unnecessary too and only adds to the film’s already ungodly running time.  (The gratuitous “twist” ending also stretches things out even further.)

This might’ve been watchable had they upped the skin quotient, but we have to wait over an hour before we get to the T & A.  Alexandra Hay briefly disrobes as his artist’s model, and Angel Tompkins has a few nip slips as his virginal secretary.  However, this is a mere drop in the entertainment bucket, and it’s a long time coming.  

In short, How to Seduce a Woman will fail to seduce anyone other than die-hard fans of Tompkins. 

THE KING (1968) * ½

Linda is a sexy secretary who allows herself to be seduced by her boss, Miss Turner.  She goes home to her lesbian lover, Mickey who whips her before making love.  They are soon joined by Joan, the third member of their throuple for a three-way.  After a satisfying bout of lesbian sex, the ladies take off for their summer home on Fire Island.  Secretly, Linda wishes her boss would swoop in and rescue her from her dreary existence. 

Written and directed by “Looney Bear” AKA: Jack Bravman, The King begins with a long opening credits sequence of inane slam poetry spoken over photos of naked women.  If this is too much for you to handle, you might want to consider tapping out early as the movie is nothing more than scenes of tepid lesbian action that’s essentially ruined by a never-ending stream of narration.  Much of the narration is unnecessary and/or flat-out annoying.  (Linda says, “Oh, Mickey!” more times during her love scene than Toni Basil.)  This kind of chicanery throws cold water on any chance this thing had of being erotic.  Often, the narration is just describing what you can plainly see with your own two eyes, which renders it superfluous.  It would be one thing if the long scenes of the narrator moaning in ecstasy had been good for a laugh, but it just grates on your nerves.  It’s the cinematic equivalent of trying to sleep in a hotel room while the couple in the next room keep fucking at all hours of the evening. 

The short running time is also a mixed blessing.  Sure, it’s nice that you only have to deal with this monotony for an hour.  The downside, however, is that the ending is so abrupt and unsatisfying that it’s liable to make you furious. 

Bravman went on to direct everything from hardcore XXX movies to Zombie Nightmare starring Adam West. 

DARK DREAMS (1971) **

Dark Dreams begins with a long scene where a narrator relates the history of sorcery and witchcraft to the audience while an old witch whips up a potion.  I hate to break it to you, but this is the best scene in the movie.  That’s especially disappointing considering this is a porno horror flick from the ‘70s. 

Harry Reems and Tina Russell are a couple of newlyweds who get a flat tire on the way to their honeymoon.  They seek shelter at the house of an old lady who invites them inside and immediately spikes their tea.  She then turns into a hot young blonde and seduces Harry while a guy in a black cloak shanghais Tina, takes her upstairs, and prepares her for her wedding night.  That’s just a fancy way of saying he passes her around to different men and women who bang her. 

This is one of those pornos that tries its damnedest to be a “real” movie.  It certainly looks the part as the cinematography is excellent.  That said, the way the filmmakers try to add atmosphere to the proceedings is amateurish at best.  They really overdo it with the slow-motion in some scenes, which was probably to pad out the running time more than anything else.  The “spooky” additions to the soundtrack are often laughable as some of the droning sounds like outtakes from Their Satanic Majesty’s Request.  The distortion on the witch’s chanting also makes her sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. 

The “movie” itself isn’t very good, and that wouldn’t matter if the porno scenes were hot.  Unfortunately, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before we even get to the fucking.  While there is a handful of sex scenes, it feels like there’s more foreplay than actual penetration in them.  Ultimately, the hardcore inserts are way too brief to make much of a difference one way or another.  It also doesn’t help that the movie just sort of peters out at the end.  The sole redeeming scene features Reems and a Satanic chick playing with whipped cream.  However, the fact that the enchanting Russell is more or less wasted compounds the overall feeling of frustration. 

MITCH’S NEW BOOK—THE VIDEO VACUUM STRIKES BACK!—COMING SOON!

Hey everyone,

I guess you’ve noticed I haven’t been posting a lot lately.  That’s mostly because I have been busy preparing my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! for publication.  I am currently in the final proofing stages, and it should be ready to order from Amazon in mid-August.

For those keeping track, this will be my seventh collection of movie reviews.  Strikes Back will contain about 98% brand-new reviews and will complete a loose trilogy that began with The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum and continued with Revenge of the Video Vacuum.  It contains a hodgepodge of reviews featuring actors, directors, and movie franchises that include (and are not limited to) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Bill Paxton, Jim Wynorski, Orson Welles, and the films from the Witchcraft and Curse series.

Keep an eye peeled on this space for more updates!

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL #3: SEXY GIRLS, SEXY GUNS (1987) ***

 

Remember the video featuring sexy girls shooting guns that Samuel L. Jackson is watching in Jackie Brown?  I think this is where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration from.  Heck, this might even be where The Cramps got their inspiration for “Bikini Girls with Machine Guns”. 

Apparently, the first two volumes in the Rock ‘n’ Roll series had men shooting various types of guns.  The filmmakers must’ve got the memo that nobody wanted to see that shit, so they wisely spiced it up by putting hot girls in there instead.  The results are certainly something.  It plays like a mash-up of a bikini video centerfold and gun catalogue. 

The models, we learn, are mostly aspiring actresses and/or college students from the San Diego area.  They merely stand in the middle of the desert while firing a machine gun (along with a slow-motion replay or two) while their narration rattles off the specs of that model of weapon.  Many admit they have never held a gun let alone fired a machine gun before, which leads to some awkward moments. 

First up is Lillian, who wears a pink bikini and fires an MPK.  (“Those Germans really know how to make a machine gun!”)  Rosie wears a gold bikini while shooting an A2K MP5.  Angela appears next in a pink bikini firing the same weapon.  Then it’s Denise (“This tape will make an interesting addition to my resume!”), who wears a ripped T-shirt with leopard print thong while firing an AK-47.  Next, it’s Tani Jo firing a MAC-10 in a pink bikini.  Kathy appears afterwards firing another AK-47 while wearing a weightlifting uniform.  Rhonda is next wearing a red bathing suit and shooting another A2K MP5.  Then, it’s Julie’s turn to shoot an M-16 while wearing a black tank top and polka dot mini-skirt.  A different Kathy is next, appearing in a two-toned bathing suit and shooting an M-14.  Adrianna follows shooting an UZI in a skimpy silver bikini.  Afterwards, Tish, who wears a black bikini top and zebra striped pants, shoots an old school Tommy gun.  Lisa shows up in a lacy black number shooting a H & K G-3.  She’s followed by Ann in a sexy black bikini testing an M-16.  Dottie rounds out the tape wearing a white button up top and matching thong while rattling off an UZI. 

Some may be disappointed that there is no variety here.  The scenes of girls, guns, and factoids are all rather interchangeable.  Then again, when you have girls in bikinis firing machine guns, who needs variety?

DEATHSTALKER (2025) ****

Produced by Slash, of Guns N’ Roses fame, Deathstalker is an update of the Roger Corman classic.  The original was one of the best sword and sorcery movies of the ‘80s.  This one is even better. 

Daniel Bernhardt is the title character, a dashing rogue who scavenges battlefields for loot.  While out foraging, he stumbles upon a cursed amulet (which may have the power to bring about the end of the world) and becomes intertwined with its fate.  With the help of a diminutive wizard (voiced by Patton Oswalt), Deathstalker tries to free himself of the trinket.  Eventually, he says, what the heck, and decides to save the universe. 

They say they don’t make ‘em like they used to.  Director Steven (Leprechaun Returns) Kostanski proves them wrong.  Deathstalker is an unabashed throwback to the glory days of the ‘80s, brimming with practical effects, rubbery monsters, and lots of gore.  There are plenty of nods to the original movies, and even a reference to the immortal Sword and the Sorcerer that I’m sure fans will love. It may be a tad long at one-hundred-and-two minutes but far be it from me to complain about getting too much of a good thing.  

Bernhardt is a lot of fun in the title role.  Early in his career, he sometimes had an awkward screen presence, but that was easy to overlook because his physicality was undeniable.  Now he’s grown in leaps and bounds in front of the camera, and the role of a lovable rake fits him like a glove.  The vocal performance by Oswalt as the wizard Doodad garners plenty of laughs too. 

Some of the rubbery effects are genuinely impressive and others are bad on purpose.  It’s the deadpan acceptance of all the creatures big and small, cheap and (somewhat) expensive that make it work.  The movie doesn’t wink at the camera the way… say… Deathstalker 2 did.  This one has genuine affinity for its inhabitants, which is what makes it special.  Deathstalker’s slavish adherence to ‘80s special effects is endearing enough (I feel obliged to give any movie made in 2025 that features a scene of stop-motion skeleton warriors sword fighting Four Stars on general principles), but the knowing humor and unexpected heart make it a modern classic. 

NAUGHTY DALLAS (1964) **

Small town girl Toni Shannon leaves her family and heads off to Dallas with dreams of becoming a dancer.  (“If I don’t get into show business, I’ll just come back home and pick cotton!”)  After spending a lot of time walking around “The Big D”, Toni eventually tries her hand at burlesque. 

Writer/director Larry (Mars Needs Women) Buchanan shot Naughty Dallas on location at a real strip club in Dallas.  It was shot silently, so the “plot” scenes are filled with long reams of narration from a narrator, Shannon, and other random characters.  People only shut their trap once the dancing finally occurs.  

Too bad many of the dance numbers are flatly filmed.  Peggy Steele is up first.  Buchanan basically plants the camera and lets the number play out.  It’s not very lively till the very end.  Up next is Jada, a vivacious redhead.  This number is a lot more energetic and at least features a little camera movement.  She’s followed by Susanna Long’s semi-comical routine where she removes about a dozen different skirts.  Then it’s the Moran Sisters, who dress like French maids.  If you’re into sisters AND French maids, then this routine is for you!  Colleen Conover is next, and her blasé attitude coupled with the constant cutaways to the leering patrons undermines the effectiveness of this sequence.  Finally, it’s Toni’s turn to shine!  Unfortunately, she gets cold feet about halfway through her performance and runs off stage.  After a pep talk from the star of the show, Kim Ataz (who does a Turkish themed dance), Toni’s confidence is restored. 

Ataz’s number is lively as it’s full of backbends and splits, but Buchanan doesn’t do her any favors by keeping the camera so far away from the stage.  Then Jada gives an encore performance, and it’s a fiery high-energy number.  If only the rest of the dances were of this caliber, Naughty Dallas could’ve been a real winner. 

The only segments with synchronized sound are the ones featuring the emcees and the burlesque comedians.  The first is a guy who plays banjo, who isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but I’ve certainly seen worse in these sorts of things. The next is a comedian who dresses like Mother Goose and does dirty rhymes.  I wonder if Andrew “Dice” Clay saw this. 

AKA:  Mondo Exotica.  AKA:  Life in the Raw.  AKA:  Naughty Cuties.

BONE LAKE (2025) ***

It takes a lot to make this jaded movie fan’s jaw drop, but let me tell you something folks, my jaw hit the floor before the words “Bone Lake” even appeared on screen.  Like, I know you can show a lot in movies nowadays, but I didn’t know you could show… THAT.  Having said that, I must now say that once my jaw returned to its normal state, it did not drop again.  Still, as far as attention getters go, the pre-title scene is a classic. 

Sage (Maddie Hasson) and Diego (Marco Piggosi) rent a luxurious Airbnb for a romantic getaway.  Much to their chagrin, another couple arrives claiming they have also booked the house.  At first, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nichita) seem kind of chill, so Sage and Diego grudgingly let them share the spacious mansion.  Eventually, the interlopers begin showing their true colors as they try to manipulate the vacationers into cheating on each other.  It doesn’t take long before the couple’s “game” turns deadly. 

Bone Lake is essentially a ‘90s “From Hell” thriller with a new coat of paint.  And the color of the paint is Blood Red.  This time, the gimmick is an Airbnb from Hell.  Now, the “double booked Airbnb” is fast becoming a standard trope in Hollywood these days.  Every time I see one of these things, I just think to myself, “Y’all would’ve been just fine if you stayed at a Holiday Inn instead.” 

A movie like this that has limited locations and a small cast pretty much lives and dies by the acting.  I’m glad to report that our core four came to play.  As the uptight couple, Piggosi and Hasson kind of look like Temu versions of Pedro Pascal and Florence Pugh.  They’re pretty good too.  Roe and Nichita are also fun as the couple who are hiding a secret.   

I already mentioned the crazy opening, but the finale is no slouch either as it contains at least two showstopping kills.  Although the first and last five minutes are applause-worthy, the middle eighty minutes or so, while solid, pales in comparison as it all plays more or less like a standard thriller.  It’s those bloody bookends that make it really stand out from the rest of the pack though.  

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025) ***

The I Know What You Did Last Summer movies have always lived in the shadow of the Scream franchise.  That’s why it was no surprise that when the Scream films gained renewed traction at the box office, we received word a new Summer flick was in the works.  Like 2022’s Scream, it’s a legacy sequel that uses the same title as the original. 

Five teens get high and drunk and inadvertently cause a passing car to go careening off a cliff.  They make a pact to never speak of the incident, and one year later, they begin receiving ominous messages claiming that someone knows what they did last summer.  Pretty soon, they are attacked by a killer dressed like a goth version of the Gorton’s Fisherman.  They then reach out to the survivors of the original Fisherman murders to help them survive. 

I had my guard down on this one.  I genuinely wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did.  The first kill scene where a dopey dude bro is attacked with a spear gun is a lot of fun.  The moment he tried bribing the killer with cryptocurrency I knew I was in for a good time. 

Yes, I Know What You Did Last Summer ’25 is dumb fun, and exactly in that order.  The kills are solid, the body count is healthy, and the leads are mostly likable.  (Madelyn Cline and Sarah Pidgeon are the two standouts.)  I always get a kick out of the unbelievable stupidity of characters in horror movies, but this one features some next level shit.  The best moment is when a guy turns down an opportunity to have rough sex with his girlfriend so he can… charge his phone!  Wow.  Another dude gets so drunk he walks right by the killer and doesn’t even notice him.  In fact, the killer stands IN FRONT OF A STATUE, and the guy still doesn’t see him.  Most of the time in these sorts of things, the killer will hide BEHIND something, but in this one he’s like RIGHT THERE and the guy is just fucking oblivious.  Some folks just get what they deserve, I guess.  Add in the hilarious way they resort to bringing an original cast member back from the dead and one of the dopiest killer reveals in recent memory (“You shouldn’t call me crazy.  It’s SOOOO reductive!”), and you got yourself some completely brainless, but highly entertaining slasher shenanigans. 

Look, I’m not saying this is some under the radar camp classic or anything.  What I am saying is I laughed longer and harder at this movie than most actual comedies.  For me at least, that’s enough. 

Original star Jennifer Love Hewitt gets the best lines like, “Nostalgia’s overrated!  Who cares!”  The callback to the original’s iconic, “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” is also liable to have you in stitches.  The biggest laugh though comes when Hewitt looks the new Final Girl dead in the face and asks, “WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SUMMER?!?”

THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE (2025) **

“Prosthetic butthole”. 

I read an interview recently where Amanda Seyfried said she wore a prosthetic butthole for this movie.  I am not lying when I say that the moment that sentence concluded, I added The Testament of Ann Lee to my watchlist.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will make me see a movie quicker than combining the words “Amanda Seyfried” and “prosthetic butthole”. 

Much to my chagrin, this is one of those movies that is set in the same mold as The VVitch where everyone speaks Olde English and whispers their dialogue in hushed tones.  There’s also a bunch of fancy period appropriate calligraphy during the chapter breaks and shit to remind you how slavish the production was to getting all the period details right.  To make matters worse, the prosthetic butthole is barely in it. Bummer. 

Seyfried stars as Ann, a deeply religious woman who eventually forms The Shakers.  They earn their moniker from the shaking and convulsing that the members exhibit when they are in the throes of religious ecstasy.  One prolonged bout of religious display gets Ann sent to jail and while imprisoned, she has powerful visions.  Imbued with the power of God, she sets out to spread her gospel to the New World. 

The most interesting aspect of the movie occurred early on when Ann’s husband, played by Christopher Abbott, tries some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her to mimic religious ecstasy in the bedroom.  I think this was the scene where she wore the prosthetic butthole, but we never really get a close-up of it.  I’m guessing it was less of a “prosthetic butthole” and more of an “ass merkin”.  Kind of a rip-off, if you ask me. 

Once Ann orders that all who become members of her sect must remain celibate, my interest started to wane.  The biggest problem though is all the musical numbers of parishioners dancing and gallivanting around.  Seyfried and company will randomly burst out into spiritual numbers in the middle of a scene, and the songs don’t really have any emotional and narrative resonance.  I’ve got to be honest with you, a little of this goes a long way. 

That said, I stuck with it to the bitter end.  And, yes, I was bitter that Amanda’s end wasn’t properly featured.  However, the fact that I kept watching this is a testament to my devotion to Seyfried. 

SUPER BOOBS VOL. 1 (199?) ** ½

This Something Weird compilation packs a bunch of shorts featuring buxom beauties into a two-hour block.  Some are better than others, as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  Then again, it’s hard to nitpick when many of the boobs on display are super.  You can’t accuse it of false advertising, that’s for sure.

Short #1:  “Untitled” A busty blonde does a striptease on a burlesque stage.  Her stilted routine and deer-in-headlights demeanor detract from this color short, but her upper body is definitely worthy of the collection’s moniker.  (**)

Short #2:  “Movie Model” This is a nudie loop featuring a short haired blonde disrobing in her living room.  Her massive mammaries are on full display for most of the running time and are the main focal point throughout.  Too bad the boorish droning British narrator takes a lot of the fun out of it. (** ½)

Short #3:  “The Big Bust” A topless maid pours herself a drink.  She eventually gets naked and writhes around on an animal pelt.  This one starts off well enough, but like the previous short, the narration doesn’t match the action, which quickly becomes irksome. (** ½)

Short #4:  “Untitled” An older looking model removes her negligee and poses for the camera.  Later, she dons different lingerie and strips out of that too.  If you can get past the fact the model isn’t very photogenic (she even has a tattoo, which is kind of rare for an old timey loop) you might enjoy it, if only because of her heavy hangers. (**)

Short #5:  “Buxom Blonde” A blonde in a Santa Claus hat strips, plays cards, does some stretching exercises, and makes a phone call.  This is another segment in which the annoying audio (taken from some random nudie movie) spoils much of the fun.  The model is extremely cute though, even if the short never takes full advantage of the Santa Claus motif. (** ½)

Short #6:  “The Sea Siren” A busty brunette chops wood topless.  She eventually decides her pants are interfering with her lumberjack duties and takes them off too.  She then goes for a dip in a nearby creek (not exactly the “sea”, but it’ll do in pinch).  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes a topless lumberjack.  Not only did it restore my faith in this collection, but it restored my faith in humanity as well.  Not only that, but the model kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe and has the best body in the entire compilation.  Oh, and to top it all off, the scene is partially backed by the great toe-tapping tune “The Right Kind” from The Kiss of Her Flesh.  What more can you ask for?  Super indeed! (****)

Short #7:  “The Forest Nymph” A woman wakes up beside a pond wearing nothing but a lei and a hula skirt.  She then proceeds to topless hula dance.  Every time she falls back asleep, she awakens wearing a different flimsy garment.  This one has a fun gimmick and the model’s enthusiasm looks genuine, making for a good time all around. (***)

Short # 8:  “Hold Me” A sexy redhead disrobes on a chez lounge.  The use of the Something Weird favorite, “Hot Blooded Woman” synchs up pretty well here.  It’s enough to make you wish they only used songs and instrumentals from their other releases and scrapped all the dialogue snippets. (****)

Short # 9:  “Slightly High” A classy dame strips while lounging in bed.  She then changes into a sheer nightgown (but not for long).  This is a simple, but effective loop made memorable by a genuinely sexy model. (***)

Short #10:  “Rip Tide” A nude brunette with a premium chassis suns herself on her patio furniture.  She then decides to splash her feet in the pool.  There really isn’t much to this one, but the fact that the model has arguably the best body in the entire collection makes it a winner. (*** ½)

This compilation suffers from some definite highs and lows.  Then again, all the models have super boobs, which is important when you’re starring in something called Super Boobs Vol. 1.  Besides, the fact that the best segments are weighted towards the back half means things end on a high note.  Had things trended in the opposite direction, the whole enterprise might’ve gone tits up. 

THE LOVERS’ GUIDE 2: MAKING SEX EVEN BETTER (1992) ***

The British sensation of sex education returns with another entry.  This one is broken up into nine chapters. Chapter 1 is about “Sex and Communication”.  This is full of basic information for couples that makes sense and seems redundant, but I guess some people just have to hear it out loud.  Chapter 2:  “Planning Erotic Times” is about taking time out from your busy schedule to make room for quality romantic interaction with your partner.  Chapter 3 is self-explanatory:  “Foreplay”.  The dry British narration is good for a few laughs in this segment.  Some of my favorite lines were:  “Non-penetrative pleasuring” and “Some men like a well-lubricated finger in the anus!”

“Intensifying Intercourse” is next.  It shows us various positions and techniques to heighten stimulation.  The highlight is when we get a Superman X-Ray vision shot of the man’s penis while it’s thrusting away inside the woman.  While the narrators sing the praises of prolonged lovemaking in this segment, they also acknowledge the fun of the “quickie”. 

Chapter 5 is on “Creative Lovemaking Positions”.  It’s kind of hard to shock me, but I was genuinely surprised by the one position where the guy rolls up into a ball, and the woman sits on him like a human rocking chair.  Never seen that one before.  That’s followed by Chapter 6:  “Beyond the Bedroom" (which includes sex in places such as the kitchen, bathtub, and in public) and Chapter 7:  “Sex Games” (which encourages taking photos, role playing, and performing stripteases for your partner). 

Chapter 8 is entitled “Safer Sex and First Nights”.  It’s a brief guide for couples just starting out and/or are non-committal.  It also stresses the use of condoms.  Since the scenes of people boning are shown alongside sobering AIDS statistics, it kind of throws cold water on the whole thing.  The final chapter is on “Overcoming Boredom” and features tips to spice up your sexual adventures within a long-lasting relationship. 

Sex education is inherently funny.  When I watch shit like this, it takes me back to 6th grade Sex Ed class when we used to giggle at all the videos they used to show us.  Like the original, The Lovers’ Guide 2:  Making Sex Even better is full of softcore scenes of canoodling and kissing that eventually gives way to some hardcore action (mostly jerking off and suck jobs).  

For couples, I have to say there’s nothing especially revelatory here. It’s all rather basic information, really.  As a sequel, it’s not quite as good as the first one and the hardcore action isn’t as steamy either.  Nevertheless, it’s still a fun way to spend an hour. 

The highpoint of the hilarious narration had to be:  “Do be careful when it comes to inserting things into your vagina!”

SPIDER BABY (2024) * ½

Remaking Spider Baby isn’t the worst idea in the world but turning it into an ersatz Grindhouse movie was a big miscalculation.  It also doesn’t help that the filmmakers constantly ape Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses as It uses the same washed-out kind of interstitials that bookend scenes and are filled with clips from old cartoons and nudies.  (House star Robert Mukes also appears as the narrator.)  The Zombie-style heavy metal song that plays over the opening credits is laughably bad too.  I mean nothing could top the original film’s theme song (sung by its star, Lon Chaney Jr.).  However, this shit is terrible.  

Siblings Virginia (Skylar Fast) and Elizabeth (Emma Keifer) are stricken by The Merrye Syndrome, a rare condition that reverts them back to a childlike state.  Sometimes, they even regress so far back that they inhabit a primitive mindset which makes them capable of unspeakable violence.  When Aunt Emily (Jennifer Moriarty) comes to the house to send the children away, they turn on their nasty relatives. 

While the Jack Hill original had some disturbing elements, the humanity that emanated from Lon Chaney Jr.’s performance and his outpouring of unconditional love for the “children” made it a surprisingly heartwarming and unique motion picture experience.  This one is just a cheap cash-in trading on the name and reputation of a classic.  Director Dustin Ferguson has made some good low budget movies (like Axed to Pieces).  He’s made some bad ones too (like Amityville in the Hood).  I think you can guess what category this falls into.  Like I said, this is more of a miscalculation than anything.  The Grindhouse filter on the camera would’ve been fine for flashback scenes, but to make the whole movie with the obvious filter just calls attention to itself.

I guess the good news is that it’s less than an hour long.  Even that is a mixed blessing as the finale feels really rushed and the potentially poignant ending isn’t given enough room to breathe.  At least Ferguson was smart enough to not overstay his welcome. 

Chaney’s son, Ron has a cameo as a doctor early on, which was a nice touch.  It’s Noel Jason Scott though who takes over Chaney’s old role as Bruno the caretaker.  He certainly tries, and although he can’t compete with Lon, he easily gives the best performance of the movie. 

They somehow wrangled Hill into serving as an executive producer on this.  I’m not sure what he got out of it other than a paycheck.  This version ultimately winds up feeling like those actor recreations you see in true crime shows.  It also sorely lacks the humanity, wit, and warmth that made the original a classic.  Maybe if you’ve never seen the original, you might not be as incensed.  For me, there is no comparison. 

AKA:  Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told. 

SWINGING WIVES (1973) ***

Swinging Wives is a West German sexploitation movie made in the Schoolgirl Report mold.  It purports to be an expose about marriage and infidelity that is supposedly taken from “real” case studies of actual couples.  Sprinkled in between are man on the street interviews.  It’s all just an excuse to show some T & A. 

You know a movie is on the right track when it features a housewife doing nude housework including vacuuming, ironing, and washing the dishes during opening credits. 

The first segment is about a couple who are full of passion on their wedding night, but the spark quickly runs out.  Next, we have an interview with a door-to-door masseur who caters to the needs of his married female clientele.  Then, a frustrated housewife defies her husband and visits a swingers’ party next door.  That’s followed by a bridge club who surprises a delivery man by playing their game in the nude.  A teenage girl learns her mother is having an affair and sets out to seduce her mom’s suitor in the next vignette.  Afterwards, a wife tries to take her own life after having an affair with her husband’s best friend.  We then learn a mailman’s guide to servicing the lonely wives on his route.  Next, a woman puts the moves on her gynecologist when he drops in for a house call.  Then, there’s a segment on a door-to-door smut peddler who gets it on with a married client.  That’s followed by a story about a bored housewife who takes to turning tricks to make a little money on the side and predictably winds having her husband as a client.  Finally, we return to our first couple to check on their progress. 

Most of these kinds of movies have an episodic nature, which can yield uneven results.  The good news about Swinging Wives is that the episodes are all rather entertaining.  The best segments manage to blend humor into the mix.  In fact, the movie sort of gets better as it goes along, mostly because the sequences in the second half feature wives who seem to be having fun while they are swinging. 

The dubbed dialogue contains some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when a swinger sees a sexy housewife and quips to his friend, “That’s real humping material right there!” 

AKA:  The New Hot Report:  What Men Don’t Think is Possible.

CARNE (1968) ** ½

I attended a John Waters Q & A a while back and asked him who his favorite under-the-radar B-movie director was and he responded with Armando Bo.  Since I had already seen (and loved) Fuego, I knew I had to start checking into Bo’s back catalogue.  The fact that he always cast the buxom and beautiful Isabel Sarli (his on-screen muse as well as off) in his films, didn’t hurt either. 

The first thing you see in Carne is Sarli posing nude.  That’s quickly followed by a love scene AND a rape scene… all BEFORE the opening credits!

See, Sarli loves her boyfriend, who is an artist and paints her in the nude.  They both have a day job at the local meat packing plant.  Her rapist is a trucker who delivers meat to the place.  After raping her again, he kidnaps her and holds her captive in his meat truck where he shares her with his friends. 

Bo has been called the Argentinian Russ Meyer, and for good reason.  Not only does he love to feature hot busty babes in his movies, but the stylized editing and camerawork is very reminiscent of old Russ.  He certainly isn’t subtle.  Consider the scenes of Sarli in the factory as she symbolically handles raw meat.  The way her attacker views her as “meat” is so “on the nose”, it could very well be up the nose.  The scene where she is chased through a veritable maze of hanging beef in the meat locker by her rapist is effective too, although some will be put off by the scene when he throws her on a slab of beef and says, “Meat on meat!” before defiling her.  Oh, and did I mention when he throws her in his truck, there’s a cutaway to some signage that reads, “Meat in Transit”?

Most of the drama comes from whether her beau will A) Avenge Sarli’s defilement and/or B) Forgive her.  I’m sure you can pretty much guess what will happen. 

The reason to watch it is for Sarli.  Despite this being an exploitation flick, she doesn’t get naked as often as you might expect.  That’s appropriate too, given the subject matter.  However, those brief nude scenes are really something.  Because of Sarli, Carne is enjoyable even if the rest of the film isn’t exactly well done. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me to discuss the immortal classic, Champagne and Bullets.  If you have ever done the "Shimmy Slide" or have always been curious about doing so, I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a listen.   DTVC Podcast 264, "Champagne a… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts

ANYONE BUT YOU (2023) ***

Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell Meet Cute in a coffee shop and spend a lovely evening together.  After a misunderstanding, they quickly become mortal enemies, which is a problem since they are both going to attend the same wedding in Australia.  Since both of their respective exes are at the event, they decide to make them jealous by masquerading as a couple.  Naturally, their dubious displays of affection cause more problems while they predictably wind up falling for each other for real. 

I’m not much of a romantic comedy guy, but if you put my girl Sydney Sweeney in it and have her parading around in various skintight outfits… well, heck, I’ll probably get around to watching it at some point.  Directed by Will (Easy A) Gluck, Anyone but You is loosely based on William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.  Because of that, you may be inclined to think it’s a highbrow comedy.  Fortunately for me, it has some legitimately funny moments, especially when  it sometimes unexpectedly heads into Farrelly Brothers territory.  The scene where Powell finds a spider in his shorts is a highlight, as is the “anteater” gag. 

Powell and Sweeney have plenty of chemistry together and have surprising comedy chops too.  They play off one another so well that you would imagine they could easily become a viable comedy duo for years to come.  Since the movie was a big hit, I don’t see why not. 

Yes, it falls into the same predictable cliches that the genre demands.  Yes, some of the Shakespeare shit feels shoehorned in there.  (There’s probably one too many scenes where Powell and Sweeney overhear their friends chatting about them.)  However, the bottom line is I laughed a lot more than I was expecting.  Because of that, I’d recommend Anyone but You to anyone who enjoys romantic comedies and… hell, just comedies in general. 

REALITY (2023) ** ½

Sydney Sweeney stars as the improbably named Reality Winner.  In reality, uh, Reality was given the longest sentence in history for leaking confidential government documents.  This film is a recreation of her arrest taken directly from the actual FBI audio recordings. 

This strict adherence to fact can be a double-edged sword.  While people who are familiar with the case will be thrilled by the attention to detail, it doesn’t really do much for guys like me who are only watching it for Sweeney. 

Sydney does a fine job dressed way down and sans make-up.  Her reaction to the Feds’ arrival is more like an “Aw shucks!  Ya got me” kind of deal.  She doesn’t ask to see the warrant or demand an attorney.  That raises a red flag to the Feds and the viewer.  Is she just being cooperative or is she itching to get caught?

Since this is essentially a filmed transcript, the actors have to work overtime to squeeze any kind of characterization in there.  I liked the way the Feds made small talk about her pets as a way to ingratiate themselves as they try to get her to drop her guard. 

The film keeps cutting back to the real audio files and transcripts mid-scene.  We also see actual social media posts of the real Winner.  It’s like… okay.  We get it.  This is based on real events.  It’s just that in the search for verisimilitude, these asides become more distracting than anything else.  

One cool aspect is that when it comes to the classified information, the sensitive material is redacted.  It’s here where the film gets visually interesting as Reality gets deleted from the film every time she mentions the redacted material.  In an age where nearly all important information is redacted for the public, it was a nice touch to see her completely disappear at the most vital parts of the story. 

Ultimately, Reality is a mixed bag, but Sweeney’s performance makes it worth a look.  She does a lot with a little, and the way she is able to find character beats in the middle of what is essentially a seventy-five-minute interrogation is rather impressive.  Overall, the film itself is a bit too slight to fully recommend.  However, seeing how the American public still has to deal with pointless redactions and be continuously denied the truth by its government means the film will remain relevant for years to come. 

NUDIE CUTIES VOL. 1 (1993) ** ½

Nudie Cuties Vol. 1 is a compilation of nudie shorts collected by the good folks at Something Weird.  I’m sure they really must’ve wowed (male) audiences back in their day.  However, it’s more fun to look at them now as a curiosity piece than spank material. 

“Nautical Nudes” (** ½) is a creaky short from what looks to be the silent era.  A group of gals get naked on a boat.  They then come ashore and claim a small island as their own private nudist resort.  This short seems like it had a decent budget for this sort of thing, but it suffers from some poor lighting. 

“Backstage” (** ½) This brief clip has a dancer changing backstage.  The model is cute, but this one also suffers from being too dark. 

“Count Me In” (*** ½) benefits from a simple but strong premise.  Two women sit on a bed and play a game of Strip Craps.  Whenever they roll a 7, they have to remove an article of clothing… and they roll LOTS of 7’s.  It’s definitely more fun than Yahtzee.

“Between Acts” (**) There isn’t much to say about this short about a bunch of half-naked burlesque dancers hanging out in their dressing room. 

“Uncover Girl” (** ½) The clever title is the best thing about this brief clip.  A dancer strips in front of a curtain (it looks more like curtains you’d see for windows and not the curtain for a Burlesque show).  There isn’t a whole lot to it, but at least the dancer is cute.

“Without a Stitch” (** ½) A seamstress makes clothes for her friends who disrobe and try on their new wardrobe.  This one is another short but sweet entry that benefits from several actresses who are quite perky.  Too bad the jump cuts ruin much of the fun. 

“Chicago Fan Dance” (** ½) The title says it all.  This is nothing more than a filmed Burlesque show wherein a nude dancer performs with an oversized fan.  Like many other shorts here, it loses points because of the dark photography. 

“Feminine Foursome” (** ½) Four women dance and cavort in the nude.  This one has some legitimate ambiance, but the abrupt ending doesn’t do it any favors. 

“Candid Beauty” (**) Two women are hiking when one of them decides to disrobe.  Luckily, the other gal has a camera with her to capture the moment.  Despite the pleasant scenery, this is another short that suffers from muddy cinematography. 

“Christmas Eves” (*** ½) A gaggle of half-naked women wake up on Christmas morning, get dressed, and go downstairs to see what Santa brought them.  If the sight of naked women trying on a variety of outfits and shooting each other with dart guns in front of the Christmas tree doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, the random use of the Muzak version of “Hard Day’s Night” will.  It also helps that this is one of the longest shorts in the compilation.  It takes its time getting going and is a lot of fun to boot. 

“Ladder Antics” (** ½) has three nude models descending a tall ladder before posing on what looks like a Burlesque stage.  While it’s refreshing to get a short that isn’t coy at all when it comes to showing everything, there aren’t many “antics” to be had. 

“How to Hold a Husband” (**) A sunny blonde reads a booklet on how to trap and man, which basically just boils down to dressing in lingerie.  This is one of those deals where the premise quickly gets lost in the shuffle.  The fact that it doesn’t feature any nudity is another major debit. 

“Silk Heeled Mannequins” (**) has three models putting on a floor show on stage before disrobing.  This one benefits from some rudimentary editing and camerawork, but it’s not radically memorable or titillating. 

“Artist’s Models” (***) Several sexy nudists hang around a swimming pool getting a suntan.  This is the kind of thing I was hoping to see more of in this collection.  It’s a simple little nudist camp reel with cute models and a sunny location. 

“Nudists at Play” (****) This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about!  Two brunette nudists play badminton (badly) while their friend suns herself on a towel.  Nudies were always at their best when they showcased women doing outdoor activities and generally just enjoying life.  

“Models in Repose” (**) delivers exactly what it promises:  Models lying around in the nude.  They don’t move, so you’re almost better off looking at a still photograph.  Oh, and this is yet another short that suffers from being too dark. 

“Nude Action” (***) A bubbly blonde does an energetic dance in the nude.  This is another example of how to make a good nudie reel.  If you keep it simple, it just has a better chance of being successful. 

“New Year’s ‘Eve’” (***) A model disrobes and poses around New Year’s streamers.  This one has a good gimmick as every time the model opens up her fur coat, another article of clothing disappears.  It’s not especially erotic, but if you like vintage smut, I’m sure New Year’s “Eve” will make your ball drop. 

“The Dance of Love” (*** ½) A brunette dancer arrives on stage wearing nothing but a sheer cape which she quickly chucks aside.  She then proceeds to do an interpretive dance number in the nude.  This one looked kind of familiar to me.  I think it might’ve cropped up as a special feature on another Something Weird release.  It’s a solid short with a cute dancer who certainly isn’t shy and can dance rather well too. 

“Body Contours” (** ½) A blonde figure model rotates on a turntable on an empty stage.  This is essentially a filmed figure modeling session.  As such, it’s better than average as the rotating platform gives it a semi-artsy vibe.  In fact, many of the shorts have an opening text stating they are to be used for figure drawing.  This is one of the rare instances where that might’ve actually been the case and not just an excuse to show flagrant nudity. 

“Gloria’s Fan Dance” (***) This is another filmed fan dance.  This time out, the dancer has two fans and doesn’t seem too interested in using them to conceal her naked frame.  Her cheerful demeanor is winning too, all of which adds up to another solid short. 

“Harem Beauties” (** ½) A harem full of naked nymphs lounge around on a silk rug.  And… uh… that’s about it.  The models are cute, which helps make up for a noticeable lack of substance. 

“Nude Hula” (*** ½) The best nudie shorts are usually the ones that feature women doing something they typically do fully clothed (or in this case, scantily clad), except…. you know… nude.  That’s what makes Nude Hula so much fun.  It contains everything you’d want from a hula dance, except… you know… nude.  It also helps that the dancer is simply adorable. 

“Stripped for Dipping” (*** ½) A cute brunette goes for a moonlight swim in a creek.  The most amazing thing about this short is that even though it’s filmed outdoors at night, the spotlight the crew used was able to shine ample light upon the model.  Compare that to the other shorts in the collection that take place in broad daylight where you can’t barely make out anything. 

“Swinging Frolics” (***) Two naked women take turns pushing each other on a swing.  There’s not a whole lot to say about this one other than the editing and camerawork is solid.  I guess if you have a swing fetish, you might want to add an extra *. 

“The Old Swimming Pool” (*** ½) Three ladies go skinny-dipping in a lake where they frolic and cavort.  The camerawork is quite good on this short, and the shots of the gals lounging on an inner tube are quite effective.  The models (all of whom are quite lovely) look like they are genuinely enjoying themselves, which also helps. 

“Sultans Dreams” (***) A naked woman hangs around the house, combing her hair, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes.  The print is pretty beat up, but the model is arguably the best looking one in the entire collection, which is probably why they saved this clip for last.  There are no sultans, and no dreams, but you won’t care.