FULL METAL NINJA (1989) *** ½

Ah, the ‘80s.  Now that was a decade.  It was a time when distributors could slap the word “Ninja” on a video box and know that at least one poor schmo out there would rent it.  Some companies would even take the word “Ninja” and stick it into a pre-existing title like it was a game of Mad Libs.  Such is the case with Godfrey Ho’s hilariously titled Full Metal Ninja. 

The opening of the film belongs in a constant loop in the MoMA.  Two Ninjas in black try to mug a Ninja in yellow because as we all know, that’s typical Ninja behavior.  Years of training in the art of silent assassination just to shake down a guy for a few bucks. 

Oh, and how do we know these guys are Ninjas?  Because they all wear headbands that read “NINJA”.  Again, warriors who have devoted their lives to lurking in the shadows running around in broad daylight flagrantly advertising they are Ninjas. 

I love it. 

Oh, it gets better.  A Ninja in pink named Leon breaks things up and shoots one of the black Ninjas… with a MUSKET! 

Seriously, cinema peaked the day this was created. 

The lone survivor runs back to his master and says, “He had a gun.  It was the first time I’ve seen one close up and I don’t mind telling you it was a frightening experience!” 

Sprinkled in between these magnificent feats of moviemaking is the “real” plot.  Since this is a Godfrey Ho flick, the “real” plot is just an entirely different movie that producer Joseph Lai bought, dubbed, and added new Ninja footage to.  According to IMDb that film is called (I shit you not) Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.  It’s a period piece about a Mongol swordsman named Eagle looking for the men who murdered his wife.  

It helps enormously that the filler movie is pretty good.  I mean it’s just a series of scenes of our hero encountering the men who killed his wife and cutting them down.  Revenge flicks are pretty hard to screw up, and these guys did a good job all things considered.  I’m sure they had no idea when they were making this that their work would be slapped in the middle of a movie featuring Ninjas in pink sweatsuits. 

The way Ho integrates the two films is often hysterical.  After Eagle ambushes and kills a bunch of highwaymen, the pink Ninja pops out from behind a bush and says, “Hey, swordsman about teaching me some of those moves?”  The tired looking swordsman then relies, “Some other time” and the movie cuts to a new scene. 

The odd thing is you kind of get caught up with Eagle’s quest for revenge as there are a couple of unexpected twists that muddy the waters for him.  I won’t spoil it, but needless to say, this flick probably worked just as good if not better without the new footage of Leon the pink Ninja and his trusty musket.  However, I wouldn’t want to watch it any other way. 

Oh, but I do have to take a Half-Star off the rating since there are no Full Metal Ninjas to be seen.  Heck, I would’ve been happy with a Half Metal Ninja.  Oh well. 

AKA:  Metallic Fury.  AKA:  Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG (1975) *** ½

Jimmy Wang Yu is an inspector from Hong Kong who comes to Australia to extradite a criminal (Sammo Hung).  Before he can get him on the plane home, the perp is shot dead by a mysterious assailant.  Yu soon becomes obsessed with bringing down the man responsible, the local Mr. Big (George Lazenby) who also happens to be a deadly Kung Fu expert. 

Directed by Brian (Leprechaun 3) Trenchard-Smith, The Man from Hong Kong is a blast of ‘70s goodness from start to finish.  It doesn’t get much more ‘70s than Kung Fu, hang gliding, and the soft rock theme song “Sky High”.  Trenchard-Smith does a great job at blending the action of Hong Kong martial arts films with the Ozploitation antics of his native soil.  Highlights include Lazenby giving Yu an impromptu “Kung Fu demonstration”, Yu single-handedly taking on an entire karate school, and an extended car chase.  I mean how many times do you get to see James Bond fight the One-Armed Swordsman? 

Trenchard-Smith also gives us one of the greatest edits of all time.  After Yu kicks Hung in the nuts, he cuts away to a rack of billiard balls being broken.  This is Cinema of the highest order.  In fact, Yu sets some kind of record for how many times a leading man hits people in the groin in a single movie. 

Yu is great in the lead.  What I liked about his character is that he often got sliced up, mangled, and beaten, but he kept coming back for more.  Some of the dubbing on Yu is hilarious too, especially when he’s mad.  (“Don’t give me any shit!”)  Lazenby is also fun as the sleazy villain who in one memorable scene plays William Tell with his arm candy at a cocktail party.  He even performs a pretty sweet fire stunt during the big climax.  We also have Aussie favorites such as Hugh Keays-Byrne as an undercover cop and Frank Thring as Lazenby’s secretary.  

I will admit some of this could’ve been trimmed back a bit.  The hang-gliding scenes, while picturesque, really drag.  That’s okay though because whenever Yu is busting heads, The Man from Hong Kong kicks ass. 

AKA:  Sky High.  AKA:  The Dragon Flies.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRE-GAME: ANACONDA: DEATH COIL (2026) **

Xumo Play is kind of a lesser streamer but it’s one I still occasionally watch.  Anaconda:  Death Coil is the first Xumo Original I’ve ever seen.  I didn’t even know Xumo did original movies.  I guess they have to keep up with Tubi somehow. 

In case you’re wondering, this isn’t a sequel to the Jennifer Lopez movie.  (Or the Paul Rudd one.)  I assume that since you can’t really trademark the word “Anaconda”, you can make an Anaconda movie without Sony suing your pants off.  Because of this, it’s my sincere wish that Anaconda becomes the next Amityville type of franchise where anyone with a fake snake can make an Anaconda movie.  (Hopefully culminating in a crossover appropriately called Amityville Anaconda.)

Five friends head out into the woods for a girls’ weekend.  The creepy caretaker warns them not to venture into the woods, which of course one of them does.  She becomes Snake Chow and the rest of the gals go looking for her.  The ladies soon realize their haggard host is actually using them as sacrifices for his giant pet snake. 

Anaconda:  Blood Coil is another one of those British horror flicks that have been creeping over onto our shores in recent years like Winnie the Pooh:  Blood and Honey and Amityville Scarecrow.  It’s no Hammer, that’s for sure.  It’s one of those cheap horror films where characters say lines such as, “It’s like a bad movie” to excuse the cliches and its overall chintzy nature. 

The CGI snake isn’t bad exactly, it’s just that the filmmakers reuse the same shot of it slithering about way too many times.  The purple-tinged POV shots are likewise overused.  When it does come time for the Anaconda to get one of the ladies wrapped up in its “Death Coil”, the results are fairly decent, although the film really needed more kills of this caliber to be truly worthwhile.  Also, the climax, which takes place in the heart of the serpent’s lair, lacks… ahem… bite. 

The good news is the running time is a merciful seventy-four minutes.  Anything longer than that would’ve been overkill.  Fortunately, the filmmakers knew when to quit.  More contemporaries could take a page out of their playbook.

Overall, Anaconda:  Death Coil isn’t the first, last, best, or worst low-budget CGI snake movie I’ve seen.  It’s just the first one I’ve watched on Xumo Play.  That makes it at the very least notable. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRE-GAME: RESIDENT EVIL (2026) ****

Sometimes, if you’re going to reboot a beloved franchise you have to start small.  I think director Zach Cregger knew deep down that the deck was stacked against him.  I mean, how can you possibly make a Resident Evil movie without Milla Jovovich?  Remember Welcome to Raccoon City?  Didn’t think so. 

Here’s how you crack the code:  Make people sort of forget you’re watching a Resident Evil movie.  Follow an immensely likable (if a bit squirrelly) guy named Bryan (Austin Abrams) as he makes his way to deliver a package to a hospital.  Have some very bad things happen to him in rapid succession.  Then… BAM!  Right when the shit starts to hit the fan, splash the Resident Evil title up on the screen.  In fact, the pre-title sequence is some of the best horror shit you’ll see all year.  

And the movie is just getting started.  

The way the film escalates is one of its many joys.  From one crazy infected woman to a squid-faced dog to a Baron Harkonnen-inspired fatty to an acid spewing grandpa, Cregger deftly keeps upping the ante.  He sends Bryan out of the frying pan and into the fire with skill, scares, and plenty of humor to spare.  This is one helluva rollercoaster. 

I didn’t like Cregger’s previous films Barbarian and Weapons, but there was enough there in both pictures that suggested he had potential.  He really shows us what he’s got in Resident Evil.  Cregger blends horror and humor the way guys like Raimi and Dekker did back in the ‘80s. 

He even embraces the confines of a video game movie better than just about anyone.  While not a strict adaptation of the game, the way Abrams looks for keys and ammunition feels very much like a video game.  Even the first-person sequences are well done mostly, because they occur organically in the film and creep in almost subliminally. 

The movie really belongs to Adams.  The Oscar race starts now.  If Cregger got Amy Madigan an Oscar for Weapons, he can get one for Abrams.  He is very nearly the whole show as his reactions are downright hysterical, mostly because they feel genuine.  He never gets “movie scared”.  He acts scared the same way you and I would:  Screeching, jumping, cursing, and sometimes just walking away muttering under his breath.  (“Stupid fucking monster.”)  This is a performance that stacks up there with Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead movies, but with a style all his own.  I mean some people just shouldn’t have to go through what this poor dope goes through.  Because he’s so likable, the audience’s empathy is squarely with Abrams and we root him on even in the face of certain disgusting, pulsating, slobbery death. 

Resident Evil is a treat.  It’s a goddamn horror fan’s delight.  It’s the best movie based on a video game of all time.  Check it out ASAP. 

THE RETURN OF BRUNO (1987) ***

When I was a kid, one of the first records I ever owned was Bruce Willis’ The Return of Bruno.  He was then (and still) one of my favorite actors and I unironically loved the album, especially “Comin’ Right Up” and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  Somehow, I never saw the accompanying HBO Special.  I guess I always assumed it was just a concert where Bruce plays the songs from the album, but it’s actually a star-studded mockumentary.  This is Spinal Tap it is not, but for fans of ego-stroking vanity projects, it’s a must-see. 

This is essentially a “Where are They Now” type of program hosted by none other than Dick Clark about the rise and fall of a musician named Bruno Radoloni (Willis).  He plays on American Bandstand, performs at Woodstock, experiments with psychedelic music, and sings “Under the Boardwalk” with The Temptations.  He then sort of disappears after the failure of his disco album. 

Guest stars and interviewees include Phil Collins, Elton John, Brian Wilson, and Grace Slick musing about Bruno’s influence on music and pop culture.  Ringo Starr states Bruno had a hand in forming The Beatles, The Bee Gees claim he helped them come up with Saturday Night Fever, and Paul Stanley asserts Bruno was the one who told KISS they should start wearing make-up.  Probably the funniest celebrity is Michael J. Fox who is obsessed with collecting “Bruno-abilia”.  The Return of Bruno came out the year before Die Hard made Bruce a megastar, but the fact that he could land such big names for what is essentially an HBO Comedy Special is pretty impressive. 

The interviews eventually give way to a performance where Bruno performs “Living in the USA”, “Down in Hollywood”, “Fun Time”, “Comin’ Right Up”, and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  What he may lack in musical prowess, he makes up for in stage presence as he leaps, runs, works the crowd, and cavorts with the musicians with boundless energy.  He’s clearly having the time of his life, and that kind of energy rubs off on the audience. 

Oh, and Bruce named his production company Hudson Hawk. 

As far as ‘80s actors-turned-musicians “movies” go, I still think I like Don Johnson’s Heartbeat better.  Still, this is a priceless time capsule anyway you look at it.  Any fan of Bruce (or Bruno) should check it out. 

THE HEAPING BOUNCY BREASTS THAT SMOTHERED A MIDGET (1988) * ½

Before he became best known as John Bacchus and made a bunch of softcore parodies for Seduction Cinema, Zachary Snygg directed a couple of shot on video films with long, outrageous titles.  Sad to say, The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget isn’t a patch on The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude. 

A teacher snaps and buys a bunch of guns.  He then turns vigilante and goes around killing people.  He even takes to offing the students who disrupt his class.  The kids eventually discover his secret and try to turn the tables on their tutor. 

I might’ve been more forgiving if this was called “Vigilante” or something, but the title is a total bait-and-switch.  At least The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude had a plot that matched its title.  (Even if there wasn’t an Aunt Gertrude to be found.)  I mean, not only are there no heaping bouncy breasts in sight; there isn’t even any women in the film!  What a rip off. 

Speaking of rip-offs, Snygg blatantly steals Ennio Morricone’s score from The Dollars Trilogy for the vigilante scenes and even stoops to ripping off the shootout from A Few Dollars More.  (Other scenes swipe Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” and The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.)  It should be said that the shootouts are OK, considering the nonexistent budget. 

The budget was so low that there’s only three people in the cast.  In fact, most of the supporting characters are played by Snygg wearing different hats, fake mustaches, and using annoying voices.  None of his shtick is remotely funny, and it doesn’t even look like he tried to hide the fact he’s playing various roles.  Fortunately for Snygg, he got much better as he went along.  (This was his first film after all.)  Heck, in a decade’s time, he would actually be making movies featuring heaping bouncy breasts.  I think I’ll stick with those pictures. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: MONSTERS AND MANIACS (1988) ***

Hosted by Brinke Stevens, Monsters and Maniacs is an entertaining mix of horror documentary and clip show package.  While I don’t think anyone will glean any new information from the film, it remains breezy fun.  

The early going is especially amusing.  I loved how the filmmakers took the nameplates of the various horror stars from old trailers and edited them together to make it look like one big monster line-up in the opening credits.  From there, we get a brief history of vampires in cinema.  From Max Schreck to Bela Lugosi to Christopher Lee.  Then it’s on to Frankenstein.  What better way to follow that than with a segment on Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi?  The films of the fifties are then featured, and are represented by the likes of The Thing from Another World, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, and Plan 9 from Outer Space.  There’s a segment on future stars getting their start in horror like Dennis Hopper (Queen of Blood), Jack Nicholson (The Little Shop of Horrors), and Steve McQueen (The Blob) too.  Next is a tribute to Hammer with films such as The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, and The Mummy.  Slashers and psychos are given their due in clips from Dementia 13, Alice Sweet Alice, and Blood Frenzy (which conveniently was written by Monsters and Maniacs director Ted Newson).  A look at giant apes (King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Konga) and lizards (The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Giant Behemoth, and Godzilla) round out the collection.  There are also bits on Lon Chaney Jr., Abbott and Costello, Peter Lorre, Vincent Price, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and the immortal trailer for Psycho is shown too. 

Most of the clips are taken from trailers, public domain movies, and behind the scenes footage.  Most of this will be familiar to horror fans, but there are some cool bits along the way that aren’t usually featured in these sorts of things like Bela Lugosi putting the bite on poor Betty Boop.  (“You have booped your last boop!”)  The best parts though are the supercuts of similar scenes that are found across the various genres (like the montage of carriage chases involving Dracula).

Brinke is as fine of a hostess as you can expect.  The puns and banter are mostly kept to a minimum (except for the shtick with the guy in the hockey mask) as the focus is mainly on the clips themselves.  However, my favorite quip was “Gorgo was a tale of a mother’s love.  A very big mother with a very big tail!”

YOUNG WARRIORS (1983) ***

After his sister is brutally raped and murdered by a gang of thugs, Kevin (James Van Patten) gets his friends together and says, “Why don’t we go after them ourselves?  We’re not tied up with red tape and dumb fucking laws!”  They turn vigilante and begin riding around the city in their Jeep looking to keep the streets safe.  Needless to say, Kevin’s mom (Lynda Day George) and cop father (Ernest Borgnine) do not approve. 

This is actually a sequel to Malibu High, but the title was changed by distributors Cannon Films to presumably cash in on the success of The Warriors.  I don’t think it had anything to do with Malibu High anyway, since it takes place in college.  The opening crawl says, “These are the graduates of Malibu High and this is their story”, but there’s no linking characters or conjoining plot lines from that film. 

Like Malibu High it jumps from genre to genre on a dime.  It kicks off like your typical Animal House rip-off.  There’s a great opening graduation scene where a teen rides his motorcycle on stage and grabs his diploma.  We also get the standard tropes of frat boys partying, hazing pledges, and playing pranks.  (Pigs are stampeded through a frat house.)  Then in a blink of an eye, it becomes a Death Wish-style revenge flick. 

What’s refreshing about the movie is that Van Patten and his crew aren’t very good at being vigilantes.  They get beat up, arrested, shot, and one of their members even dies before they make a successful bust.  Heck, things get real dark when (Spoiler) the frat’s mascot Butch (Casper the Wonder Dog) gets killed during a raid.  I mean, they even mow down some kids carrying toy guns and they still keep patrolling the streets.  This eventually leads to a downbeat Peckinpah-inspired slow motion shootout with the gang. 

Then things get REAL depressing. 

Writer/director Lawrence D. Foldes also produced Malibu High, but this is very much its own thing.  Maybe he was going for one of those Halloween 3 deals.  Either way you would’ve never guessed it was a sequel anyway. 

What’s impressive about Young Warriors is the way Foldes keeps doubling down on the message that violence isn’t the answer.  You keep waiting for Van Patten and his crew to… you know… get good at their jobs of being Temu Guardian Angels, but it never happens.  If anything, they make the streets a lot more unsafe.  So, that’s intriguing and helps to separate the movie from countless other revenge films. 

The cast is good.  Van Patten is a bit bland, but that suits the character’s sociopathic tendencies.  Borgnine is fun as his exasperated father and George is solid as his grieving wife.  Richard Roundtree is kind of wasted as Borgnine’s partner though, which is the biggest disappointment.  Anne Lockhart is also in there as Van Patten’s girlfriend and Linnea Quigley has a brief nude scene as a girlfriend of one of the other vigilantes. 

AKA:  Malibu High.  AKA:  The Graduates of Malibu High.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! PRESENTS KIDZ KLUB! (2022) ***

The good folks at Everything is Terrible! continue to do the Lord’s work.  Kidz Klub! is an hour-long compilation of the worst of the worst of TV shows, cartoons, PSAs, and movies aimed at kids.  It goes without saying that any compilation of this sort is bound to be uneven, but this one offers up plenty of amusement and lots of hearty chuckles.  Any fan of kiddie show ephemera will undoubtedly get a kick out of it. 

The clips come fast and furious.  Sometimes they appear in a stream of consciousness manner.  Other times they are connected by a loose theme like religion, the internet, the environment, or the police (which was the funniest).  The most entertaining moments occur when the clips are edited together to form sentences and/or conversations, which are usually punctuated with priceless reaction shots from kids, puppets, or creepy adults. 

Most of the material the video culls from comes from kids shows from the ‘90s.  That was a bit after my time, which helped since I had no clue what the hell about 95% of this shit was.  (I still recognized clips from Mac and Me, Cop and a Half, and Mr. Nanny though.)  Perhaps if you were a child of the ‘90s, more of the material will be familiar to you.  Not that it really matters, I guess.  Being blindsided by the wacky make-up, costumes, and puppets is part of the fun.  The number of stars that briefly pop (including Bill Paxton, Paulie Shore, and Kathy Lee Gifford) adds to the “Anything Goes” vibe. 

If there is a fault, it’s that the editing is a bit too rapid fire for its own good in some places.  Sometimes it goes so fast that it’s hard to catch your bearings and/or fully appreciate some of the whacked-out low-budget kiddie content.  That’s a relatively small complaint since Kidz Klub! keeps the laughs coming at a steady clip, which is what really matters in the end.  It will be a real trip for viewers young and old. 

AKA:  Kidz Klub!

SUMMER NIGHT FEVER (1978) *** ½

Given the title, you might think this would be a Saturday Night Fever rip-off, but that’s not really the case.  (It does have just enough disco scenes to stick into a trailer to make it look one though.)  It’s actually a German sex comedy that plays like a prototype for an American Horny Teenager movie.  The most surprising thing about Summer Night Fever is just how good it is. 

Peter (Stephane Hillel) and Freddy (Claude Obalski) take a trip through Europe hoping to score with as many women as possible.  The only problem is that Freddy has to bring his dorky sister Victoria along.  Since she’s played by Olivia Pascal, you know it’s only a matter of time before she loses her glasses and blossoms into a full-blown sexpot.  Anyway, Peter can’t even seem to make it to first base while the nerdy Freddy is scoring left and right.  It takes a while, but Peter eventually comes to his senses and realizes Victoria is the girl for him. 

Sure, the movie has plenty of T & A to go around, but there’s also a sweet coming of age story wrapped in there as well.  So many of these things get so invested in showing skin that they forget to have actual characters we care about.  I’m not saying character development is essential to a Horny Teenager movie.  What I will say is that I gladly tip my hat to the ones who manage to sneak it in there. 

Even the sexy situations the trio find themselves in help to advance the plot and/or their relationships.  (Like when Olivia finds herself aboard a swinger’s yacht.)  Sure, there are some unnecessary detours (like the scene with Gianni Garko as a man who hides under the bed with Freddy when his lover’s husband comes home early), but they still manage to be funny.  Oh, and for whatever reason the filmmakers forgot to dub one part into English, but it sort of adds to the humor of the scene as it features a couple who come back from skinny dipping to find their clothes have been stolen. 

The movie is a great showcase for Pascal.  She has a sweet scene early on where she makes herself pretty for the first time and flushes her retainer down the toilet.  It also helps that she practically spends the last act shirtless. 

The soundtrack is surprisingly good too.  Trans superstar Amanda Lear’s hypnotic “Follow Me” is used effectively during a party scene.  Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” is also heard a couple of times too (long before it was used in Good Will Hunting). 

The best line comes courtesy of Peter when sees Freddy’s math teacher on a topless beach and quips, “I bet she knows how to multiply!” 

AKA:  Disco Summer.  AKA:  Hot Summer Night Fever.

THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1987) **

Frank Stallone stars as a private detective who gets into a shootout with some gangsters in a drive-in.  During the fracas, a meteor lands nearby and several townsfolk go to investigate.  The glowing orb soon takes control of the women in town who strip down to their underwear and run rampant.  There’s only one person who can stop them.  You guessed it.  Frank Stallone. 

I’ve had my jaw left agape during many a B-Picture in my time, but my jaw dropped so much during this flick that I got dry mouth.  That sounds like a rave review for someone who likes bad movies.  However, The Pink Chiquitas is kind of frustrating as it bobs and weaves from “So Bad it’s Good" to “So Bad it’s Painful” on a dime.  (Sometimes it happens during the same scene, which is quite a feat.)  A lot of that has to do with the premise, which is a mishmash of ‘40s detective and ‘50s Sci-Fi cliches.  I mean, it was bound to be uneven, but man…  This one will have you shaking your head in disbelief at several junctures. 

The good news is that Frank Stallone is kind of great in this.  The early scenes of the movie in which he picks up a sexy hitchhiker and gets into the shootout at the drive-in are pretty fun.  Once the meteor crashes though, it gets increasingly spotty.  That said, Frank still gets a funny scene where he’s fishing, and he gets pulled off the dock by the fish.  It’s like a live-action Looney Tunes movie or something. 

I think part of the problem is that there are just too many characters that crowd the movie.  Whenever Frank is offscreen, the film really suffers.  The annoying weatherman character is particularly grating and the subplot about a local election just feels like filler.  I think the PG-13 rating was another detriment.  I can’t say the movie would’ve been better had the meteor-controlled women been topless instead of wearing lingerie, but… Ah, who am I kidding?  It would’ve been a lot better. 

As someone who unironically loves “Far from Over”, I have to say the songs Frank contributed to the soundtrack were just OK.  I know they all can’t be bangers, but still.  I'm sure The Pink Chiquitas didn’t set Frank’s acting career on fire the way he had probably hoped.  If anything, Frank can take comfort in the fact that it’s funnier than his brother Sly’s Stop!  Or My Mom Will Shoot. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: THE BRIDE! (2026) **

After a hundred years of loneliness, Frankenstein’s monster (Christian Bale) turns to a mad scientist (Annette Bening) in Chicago to create a mate (Jessie Buckley) for him.  After murdering some schmoes in self-defense, they go on the lam.  A pair of detectives played by Peter Sarsgaard and Penelope Cruz follow in hot pursuit.  Eventually, the duo becomes a sort of an undead version of Bonnie and Clyde. 

Written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Bride! is a kooky but unsuccessful attempt to modernize the Frankenstein premise with contemporary mores inside of a gangster setting.  I think the problem has more to do with the script than the direction as Gyllenhaal manages to carve out a few memorable sequences within the middle section of the movie.  It’s just that some of the choices that were made are just… oof.

You know you’re in for it though as soon as you see the inexplicably awful prologue featuring Buckley as Mary Shelley (a nod to the 1935 original).  The Bride herself ain’t much to write home about.  With her schizophrenic nature and unruly behavior, this Bride seems to be an attempt by Gyllenhaal to confound expectations of the audience (mostly the males) about how the Bride should look/act.  Or maybe she was trying to give a voice to the original creators who have to suffer through awful Hollywood versions of their character that they never intended.  Whatever the reason, it just doesn’t work.  I can’t exactly fault Buckley as she was just following the script, but the shtick of her going back and forth between the Bride and Shelley’s voice gets tiresome almost immediately.  The subplot where women start cosplaying as the Bride and committing crimes is pretty dumb too.  The fact that the cast is largely comprised of actors who are related to or had previously worked with Gyllenhaal is the tip-off they probably didn’t even read the script and just signed on as a favor. 

Still, there are some nice moments here, most of which come from Bale.  He’s one of our greatest living actors and the prospect of him playing one of the screen’s coolest characters is certainly promising.  I’d say he more or less delivers what you would expect and/or hope for.  Jake Gyllenhaal is also a hoot as a Fred Astaire style movie star that the monster is obsessed with.  I also liked the scene where the monsters are ran out of a theater showing White Zombie (in 3-D).  I wasn’t expecting the tribute to Young Frankenstein either, which was fun. 

Ultimately, The Bride! never really earns its exclamation mark.  You can tell it has an anarchist spirit, but it doesn’t always know how to channel it.  Frankly, it’s a fucking mess.  If it had been a hot mess or even a mildly entertaining one, it might’ve been worth a look.  It’s just that the sparks the title character creates are few and far between. 

BEAVER AND BUTTFACE (1995) **

This is a hit and miss porno parody of Beavis and Butt-Head.  Buck Adams (who directed) is Beaver.  Tony Tedeschi (who wrote) is Buttface.  They go to college and try to score with chicks.  That’s about it as far as plot.

The best part is when Buttface bangs a hot foreign exchange student played by Rebecca Lord in the girls’ locker room.  The rest of the XXX action is pretty ho-hum though.  It doesn’t help that the make-up to make the leads look like cartoons is kind of horrifying.  (They resemble burn victims.)  Because of that, you might have trouble getting in the mood while watching this one.  (Of the two, Beaver looks closest to his cartoon counterpart.)

The most memorable aspect of the film is that the actors stand in front of green-screened hand-drawn backgrounds to approximate the look of the show.  It’s more successful than you might expect too.  Like the show, Beaver and Buttface sit on the couch and watch TV, but since this is a hardcore parody, they make fun of porn clips instead of music videos.  In one scene, Beaver and Buttface make fun of a porno starring Adams and Tedeschi (a XXX gladiator flick called “Done-Her”), which gives it a meta kind of quality.  It’s not exactly laugh out loud funny, but they at least put in some effort into it. 

There’s even a scene where Beaver puts his shirt over his head and imitates Cornholio, except he’s “Suckholio” and demands a blowjob.  Now, I’m no member of the National Lampoon or anything, but wouldn’t it have been funnier if he was Cornholio and wanted the girl’s cornhole?  It especially feels like a missed opportunity, given the fact that he bangs the next chick in the butt.  (Although Buck only lasts about a minute in there, so the whole thing ends kind of abruptly.)

Oh, and one part has a warning that the following sequence had to be edited out.  I’m not sure what that was all about.  Maybe they found out one of the girls wasn’t of legal age.  Or maybe the footage got accidentally erased.  It just seems odd to toss it in there. 

Adams also plays the gym teacher. 

CARTOON ALL-STARS TO THE RESCUE (1990) ****

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is kind of like the Toon Town segments of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? cross-pollinated with an anti-drug PSA.  It was funded by McDonald’s Children Charities to warn kids about the dangers of drugs.  The unilateral support from studios and creators is still pretty impressive.  The logistical licensing nightmare is probably one of the major reasons it’s never been re-released. 

A little girl named Corey has her piggy bank swiped by her druggie brother Michael.  Fortunately, Papa Smurf is on Neighborhood Watch, and he gets the Smurfs, ALF, Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Winnie-the-Pooh, Kermit the Frog, and Slimer to help get the kid on the right path.  Meanwhile, Michael heads down to the local arcade where Smoke, an evil puff of smoke in the form of a jazz musician (voiced by George C. Scott!) is pressuring him to try crack.  Bugs Bunny then shows up with a Time Machine to remind him how he got hooked on drugs.  Back in the present, Michelangelo from Ninja Turtles drags him down into the sewer where Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Gonzo take him on a rollercoaster ride through his brain.  Since Michael is so whacked out, that means he can’t even skateboard properly and falls off his board.  Luckily, Huey, Dewey, and Louie are there to help him up, which leads to the biggest laugh:  “Now I’m seeing ducks!  Oh man!  I’ve got to get off these drugs!”

The trio then lead the other cartoons in a show-stopping musical number “Wonderful Ways to Say No” (written by The Little Mermaid’s Howard Ashman and Alan Menken.)  When that doesn’t work, ALF takes Michael through a hall of funhouse mirrors to show him the horrors of drugs.  Meanwhile, Smoke tries to get Corey hooked on drugs while Michael has a bad trip in a scary amusement park.  Daffy Duck then shows up as a fortune teller to show Michael his grim future. 

Other famous cartoon characters that show up include George and Barbara Bush. 

The surprising thing about this special is that all the cartoon pals stay true to their characters, which leads to some funny interactions.  I liked that fact that some of them don’t even want to help.  ALF has to threaten to eat Garfield and Simon and Theodore practically drag Alvin screaming into the caper.  The oblivious dad is pretty funny too.  When Corey says her brother is acting weird, he says, “Being weird is just part of being a teenager”!?!  So, I commend the filmmakers for relaying the “message” with a sense of humor and without sacrificing the characters’ personalities. 

In short, this is a lot of fun whether you’re five or fifty.  It probably plays just as well if you’re clean or tripping balls too.  Not that I would endorse that sort of thing.  Miss Piggy might kick my ass if I did. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: FACES OF DEATH 3 (1985) **

The third installment of the infamous Faces of Death franchise began life as a Mondo movie called Fear.  It was released overseas first, but by the time it hit our shores, the filmmakers retooled it and retitled it to ride the success of the series.  (The version I’m reviewing is the original “Fear” cut found on the 4K UHD release.)  It’s really fucking uneven, even more so than its predecessors.  That said, some of the shit in this one is downright bananas. 

The early scenes focus on serial killers, murderers, and a guy on PCP.  None of it is convincing and much of it looks like a fake version of Cops.  The part with the political prisoner being tortured is likewise phony baloney and goes on way too long.  Suicides, shark attacks, and even Bigfoot are also covered, with varying degrees of success. 

Much of Faces of Death 3 is a mess.  Some of it is indefensible (like the peek inside the squalid home for the handicapped).  However, on the occasion the flick strikes WTF gold, it’s a lot of fun.  The scene where a parachuter is blown off course and lands in a crocodile pit is exactly the kind of gore scene you hope for from a Faces of Death movie.  The sequence with the German exorcist is downright ludicrous too.  That is to say it’s good for a laugh. 

By far the best bit is on the swingers who eat placentas.  This sequence is fucking bonkers.  It starts with real birth of a baby footage, but the jaw-dropping highlight is the scene where the swingers sit around the dinner table in the nude and say grace before they chow down on placenta.  One of the interviewees says, “Viva la placenta!”  I say, “Viva la bad movies!” 

For every highlight like that, there’s at least two or three sequences that don’t work.  Only you know for sure if that’s an acceptable ratio.  Heck, I even found myself dozing off during one of the repetitive underwater scenes.  Still, you don’t see naked swingers eating placenta every day.  That’s the kind of grade Z shit I live for.  Because of that, Faces of Death 3 is hard to dismiss, even if it’s mostly hit and miss.

AKA:  Fear.  AKA:  Faces of Death:  Junk 3.  AKA:  Faces of Death 3:  The Final Assault.

MUTINY (2026) ***

Jason Statham stars as a bodyguard for a rich shipping magnate.  When his boss is murdered, Statham is blamed for the crime.  On the run, he sneaks aboard one of his boss’ vessels and discovers it’s being used by human traffickers to transport kidnapped women and children. 

Then he gets REAL mad. 

Mutiny is kind of boilerplate as far as this sort of thing goes, but that probably won’t be a problem for most Statham fans (myself included).  I will say the set-up is strong and the finale is appropriately rousing.  The only real issue is with the second act, which has some serious lulls.  It’s here where Statham has to play nursemaid to a sympathetic guard (Annabelle Wallis) who teams up with him to free the captives.  Statham and Wallis have a modicum of chemistry together.  It’s just that there are one too many scenes of them sneaking around corridors and laying low that interrupt the flow of the fisticuffs and shootouts.  I guess I could sit here and nitpick it to death but why rock the boat?  (Pun intended.)

Hang in there though because once it heats back up again, Mutiny delivers the goods.  It was directed by Jean-Francois Richet, who also helmed the Assault on Precinct 13 remake (which was better than it had any right being).  He brings that same claustrophobic action vibe to this film.  The action sequences are crisp and hard hitting, and the close-quarters combat is excellent. 

As far as Statham vehicles go, it’s solid.  I mean they all can’t be The Beekeeper.  That said, he kicks lots of ass in this one.  Master Locks, fire axes, fishhooks, and spear guns are all used as weapons of death by Statham, who naturally disposes of all the human garbage without even breaking a sweat.

If watching Statham beat the shit out of people is your idea of cinema, then Mutiny will offer a bounty of entertainment. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: RETURN TO SILENT HILL (2026) *

Silent Hill was one of the worst non-Uwe Boll video game movies of all time.  Silent Hill:  Revelation was so forgettable that I actually forgot it existed.  Now here comes Return to Silent Hill.  It took original director Christophe Gans twenty years to return to Silent Hill.  If we’re lucky, he’ll wait twice as long for his next trip.

You know you’re in trouble right from the pre-title sequence.  It’s wonky as hell.  From the odd camerawork to the laughable narration, it almost feels like it was cobbled together with AI.  In fact, nearly all the greenscreen backgrounds in this look slightly off.  I’m not sure if the budget was too low or if they went overboard trying to make it look like a video game.  All I know is that it just looks cheap. 

Anyway, the plot has this drunk returning to his dead girlfriend’s hometown.  Almost immediately he is attacked by eyeless, armless, acid-spewing zombies.  You’d think that would be the tip-off to turn around and go home, but this idiot presses on. 

The flashback heavy structure helps further sink the film.  Our hero wanders around in the dark, sees something that triggers a flashback to his lost love, and gets chased by a monster.  Rinse and repeat.  Sometimes, it’s a brawny dude wearing a triangle helmet.  Other times it’s a spider woman that has an inexplicably thicc gyatt.  Or maybe it’s a horde of nurses with faces like Rorschach who move around like they’re part of a flash mob. 

The whole thing feels like cut scenes from a video game that you can’t skip through.  I guess fans of the game might appreciate that.  To make matters worse, it all ends with a lame twist that tries to justify its conveniently erratic narrative.  I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s a slight variation on the old “it was all a dream” deals.  I hate shit like that. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: BIG SHARK (2023) ***

More than two decades after directing the iconic cult classic The Room, idiosyncratic auteur Tommy Wiseau returns to the director’s chair with Big Shark.  Was it worth the wait?  Yes.  Will it have the replay value and longevity his previous film enjoys?  Probably not.  For fans of Grade Z shark flicks though, this will undoubtedly make for a perfect movie night. 

Tommy and his two best friends are firefighters.  When Tommy is out fishing, he sees a big shark, but no one believes him.  Soon after, the shark swims through the streets of New Orleans eating people.  Tommy and company are then tasked with bringing the beast down. 

Sounds simple enough, but Tommy is seemingly more concerned with the friendship between the three leads than he is with the shark attacks.  That makes sense since The Room is essentially about friendship and loss.  Those themes run through Big Shark too.  So much so that people expecting a typical shark movie may be left rather perplexed. 

Since this is Tommy Wiseau we’re talking about here, nothing about Big Shark is typical.  In fact, you’d be disappointed if it was.  The biggest surprise is that it’s essentially a hangout movie.  Tommy spends lots of screen time drinking with his firefighter buddies and doting on his girlfriend.  These interactions usually lead to the funniest and not memorable moments.  The way he says “Sophia” over and over again is amusing and the inexplicable song “Cowboys Don’t Cry” will be stuck in your head for days. 

There are portions of the movie that are frustrating.  There are whole scenes where dialogue is repeated almost verbatim from the previous scene.  I don’t know if Tommy was trying to hammer home plot points (which wasn’t necessary, I assure you) or what.  It just causes the momentum to stall out.  The way the characters react to the shark attacks is odd too.  One minute they freak out and the next they carry on like nothing happened. 

This could be seen as nitpicking, but it shows that with some tighter editing this could’ve been a classic.  When the movie hits the sweet spot and delivers on its promise (which is basically The Room Meets a SYFY Channel Shark movie), the results are appropriately ridiculous and funny.  I also have to commend Wiseau for using restraint and not having his character say “Oh.  Hi, Shark.”

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: STANLEY (1972) ) ** ½

I reviewed this a long time ago back when I had a fanzine.  I first saw it on one of those old “Horrible Horror” DVD collections of Crown International movies that Rhino put out.  I apparently gave it One Star and called it an “ecological yawnfest”.  I think I must’ve only given it such a low rating because it just didn’t stack up next to the likes of Horror High, Point of Terror, and Don’t Answer the Phone.  I watched it again recently and although it’s far from perfect, I didn’t mind it too much this time around. 

Yes, it’s Willard with snakes.  That is both a feature and a bug.  If that’s exactly what you want from a ‘70s revenge/horror/When Animals Attack movie, then it should fit the bill.  However, the problem really lies with the third act when it tries to turn our hero into a villain.  Willard also had the same problem in the third act.  Only here, the main characters’ switch is much more contrived.  It just feels out of step with the rest of the movie and lands kind of wobbly. 

The snake attack scenes work though, which will be the main draw for most people.  The scenes of Chris Robinson taunting his victims with his pet snake Stanley before ordering it to strike are fun.  The highlight is the great freeze-frame moment when the Big Bad Alex (The Godfather) Rocco (who is clearly having fun chewing the scenery) jumps off a diving board and into a swimming pool full of snakes.  It’s a real audience pleaser, and if the movie ended here, it easily would’ve received three stars.  Sadly, it plods on for another fifteen minutes. 

Director William Grefe basically remade this a few years later as Mako:  Jaws of Death but swapped out the snakes for sharks. 

AKA:  Snakes.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: THE SHROUDS (2025) ** ½

Vincent Cassel stars as a grieving widower who invents technology that allows family members to watch their loved ones decompose as they lie in their grave.  If that doesn’t sound like an idea for a David Cronenberg movie, I don’t know what does.  Naturally, he uses the tech often as he obviously has trouble letting go of his dead wife.  When vandals desecrate her grave, Cassel teams up with his brother in-law (Guy Pearce) to find the culprits. 

Cassel, with his gaunt appearance, steely eyes, and slicked back gray hair, kind of looks like Cronenberg if you squint hard enough.  He commands the screen with his soft-spoken charisma.  He also has a lot of chemistry with Pearce, who is entertaining as a kooky techie.  Diane Krueger is quite good too as Pearce’s ex-wife, who kind of has a thing for Cassel. 

Perhaps sensing that the slim premise would not fill a two-hour movie, Cronenberg instead uses it as a jumping off point as he spins the plot off into a Phillip K. Dick sort of tech noir detective story.  While initially intriguing, he just can’t really sustain the tension throughout the entire picture.  It’s watchable, sure, but overall, it’s pretty low key and is sorely missing the visceral impact of Cronenberg’s best work.  All the stuff with the international high tech graveyard espionage, while novel, doesn’t exactly land either.  However, die-hard Cronenberg fans will recognize passages like that to be a feature and not a bug. 

The Shrouds works best as a somber and depressing examination of grief.  I guess the best description of it is misery porn.  In fact, it contains a scene where two lonely people fuck and use dead relatives and medical procedures as part of their dirty talk during the act.  It’s almost enough to make the sex scenes in Crash seem quaint.