THE SKYDIVERS (1963) *

The Skydivers would’ve been just another forgettable, dull relationship drama if it wasn’t directed by Coleman (The Beast of Yucca Flats) Francis.  It’s full of his weird little fetishes and ticks and often feels like a really bad art film desperately failing at being arty.  I’m not saying it’s good.  In fact, it’s pretty terrible.  What I am saying is that it’s probably his most coherent work, which I realize isn’t saying much.

Tony Cardoza and his wife (Kevin Casey) own their own recreational skydiving business.  He’s secretly been seeing a cheap floozy (Marcia Knight) behind her back and when he finally breaks it off with her, she vows to get even.  She eventually gets her new boyfriend (Titus Moede) to put acid in one of their parachutes in hopes of killing them.

Hitchcock had the “Ticking Bomb” theory of creating suspense.  He said suspense is created by showing a ticking bomb under a table and then cutting to two people talking at the table unaware the bomb is about to go off.  Coleman Francis’ version of this theory is the “Acid Parachute”.  I guess I don’t have to tell you who is more successful at creating suspense.

However, Francis does give us a LOT of scenes of two people sitting at a table and talking.  They don’t have to deal with a ticking bomb though.  Instead, they mostly drink coffee.  In fact, the long, odd scenes of people drinking coffee are the most endearing thing about the movie.

The skydiving sequences are OK for its time.  The scenes of the skydivers’ cheeks flapping in the wind provide a lot of unintended chuckles.  When the movie is on the ground though, it’s pretty dreadful. 

AKA:  Fiend from Half Moon Bay.  AKA:  Panic at Half Moon Bay.

SUNSHINE (2007) *

Danny Boyle’s Sunshine is like Solaris and Alien minus the cinematic flair of Solaris or the alien of Alien.  It does have the glacial pacing of Solaris, though.  Unfortunately that’s all it’s got.

The sun is dying.  The spaceship, Icarus I went up to restart the sun and failed.  So the crew of Icarus II follows in their footsteps to complete the job.

They also waste a good cast in the process.  Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, and Cliff Curtis are given virtually nothing worthwhile to do.  Of the cast, Evans comes off as the most likeable (I liked the scene where he is forced to apologize to Murphy), but everyone else pretty much blends in with the futuristic wallpaper.

Sunshine has a slow burn type of build-up.  As their flight goes on, the crew deals with one mishap or another.  Fire, lack of oxygen, and a crew member going mental are all perils they wind up facing.  None of them are particularly involving or scary.

Boyle’s pacing is painful.  Even though the fate of the Earth is on the line, it all seems rather dull and boring.  There’s no real drive here and the whole thing just feels inert and uninteresting. 

At times Sunshine feels like a Syfy Movie with better actors.  Boyle handles what action there is in such an indifferent manner that it’s hard to be engaged.  The characters are so flatly written that it’s hard to care about them or their many perils. 

Things get odd in the last act when the movie ditches the whole slow, thoughtful approach for a straight-up horror film angle.  It’s here where a crazed, naked crew member goes nuts and starts slashing people up.  This idea might’ve worked if it was played out throughout the flick.  Having it tacked on in the last half hour just makes it feel like it came out of an entirely different picture.  The blurry, quick-cutting editing of the killer’s actions is also quite headache-inducing.

Basically, two hours of darkness would’ve been preferable to 107 minutes of Sunshine.

WORLD GONE WILD (1988) ***

World Gone Wild is basically Seven Samurai, Mad Max style.  Bruce Dern lives in a post-apocalyptic hippie wasteland community that has the only known water source.  Adam Ant is the psycho cult leader who quotes Manson and commands an army of poncho-wearing machine-gun-toting brainwashed minions.  He raids the camp and says he’ll come back in a week to finish the job.  Dern then goes and gets Michael Pare (with Wolverine sideburns) and an assortment of warriors to defend the town in exchange for as much water as they can drink.

This had the potential to be awful, but the great cast anchors the film and makes you care about their characters.  Catherine Mary Stewart does a fine job as the post-apocalyptic teacher who teaches school out of an old school bus.  (Only four books survived the apocalypse.)  Julius J. Carry III (as a magician who uses smoke bombs) and Rick Podell (as a gunslinger not unlike Robert Vaughn’s character in The Magnificent Seven) also make memorable impressions given their brief screen time.  Speaking of The Magnificent Seven, Dern and Pare are awesome.  They act very much like post-nuke versions of Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen and they have a lot of chemistry together.

It’s not perfect though.  Some of the movie looks unfinished.  There are long scenes of cars driving while poorly-dubbed, exposition-heavy dialogue drones over the soundtrack.  Some of it looks cheap too, especially the scenes inside the desolate city. 

What World Gone Wild lacks in polish, it makes up for in charm.  The action is competently handled by TV vet Lee H. Katzin.  The battle scenes are pretty cool and there are enough novel death scenes (like the death by exploding moonshine still) to keep you thoroughly entertained.  I mean how can you not love a movie in which Dern sharpens a hubcap and uses it as a deadly Frisbee? 

The post-apocalypse movies of the ‘80s were basically the westerns of their day.  Part of the fun is seeing the way the filmmakers update the timeless western clichés of yesteryear and relocate them in a futuristic setting.  (Instead of cowboys circling the wagons on the plain, our heroes circle the cars in a junkyard.)  It’s no Seven Samurai, or The Magnificent Seven, or heck Battle Beyond the Stars even, but World Gone Wild should fit the bill for any fan of the post-nuke genre.

Dern, naturally gets all the best lines like, “Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?”

THE BRAVEST FIST (1974) **

Two convicts escape prison while shackled together.  When the one good-natured convict won’t go along with his cellmate’s criminal schemes, they get into a big Kung Fu battle.  He then strangles the goody-two-shoes and takes off.

This scene is easily the best part of the movie.  From then on, the film switches focus to a humble, but badass dock worker trying to help an owner of a rice house from getting pushed around by bad guys.  This stuff is fairly standard in just about every way and is indistinguishable for dozens of other Kung Fu flicks I’ve seen in the past year.  The rest of the picture was bad enough for me to wish that the whole thing had been about the two convicts.  I mean imagine how great a Kung Fu remake of The Defiant Ones would’ve been.  Sigh.  

Sure, there’s plenty of Kung Fu action and chopsocky carnage, but although there are a lot of fights, nothing much ever really happens.  Also, the choreography is less than stellar and the editing is often herky-jerky.  I watch a lot of these things and even though it was action-packed, it still left me cold.  I honestly had trouble remembering much about it shortly after I watched it.

Outside the opening fight scene, the film really doesn’t feature anything you haven’t already seen before.  Even though it’s only 73 minutes, it feels much longer than that.  Your mileage may vary of course, but for me, the rest of the movie just couldn't live up to the promise of that opening scene.

UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS (2017) * ½

I have never been a fan of the Underworld franchise.  The fourth installment, Awakening was the only one I genuinely liked, and even then, it was pretty much for all the wrong reasons.  Just because I dug it, doesn’t mean I remembered what happened in it.  Luckily, there’s a quick wrap-up of the previous installments right in the beginning to get the audience up to speed before the movie starts.

Werewolves are winning the centuries-long war between werewolves and vampires.  Desperate, the vampires offer the outcast “Death Dealer” Selene (Kate Beckinsale) a truce so that she may train the next generation of werewolf killers.  Naturally, she is betrayed and it isn’t long before both sides come looking for her long-lost daughter, whose blood might end the war once and for all.

The plot is full of double-crosses and triple-crosses between the two royal monster houses.  It all plays like a moronic version of Shakespeare with fangs.  It’s also sorely lacking the earnest silliness that made Awakening so enjoyable.

There is one nice touch early on when Beckinsale is being hunted by the werewolves.  They try to capture her by shooting multiple grappling hooks into her.  After she kills them all, she walks away nonchalantly, not even noticing that the hooks are still inside her and she’s dragging the grappling guns behind her.  It’s all downhill from there.

The action sequences are largely unexciting and quickly get repetitive and monotonous.  The stuff with the boring werewolf villain in particular is lame.  They establish that bullets have no effect on him, so what do the vampires continue to do?  Shoot clip after clip into him!  It would be called overkill, if only they could actually kill him.  It should also be noted that the CGI werewolves (I refuse to call them “Lycans”) are pretty bad.

The best new character is the sexy evil vampire queen.  You can tell they really wanted Eva Green for the role.  Her vampy sultriness would’ve been perfectly suited to play the character.  Laura Pulver is okay, but she can’t pull off the campy scenes that require her to chew the scenery and look sinister at the same time.  Take for instance the scene where she makes her underling go down on her while she talks about her diabolical plans.  If Green had done this scene it would’ve been amazing.  With Pulver in the role, it just sort of feels awkward.

I can’t honestly say that this is the worst Underworld movie, but if I ever see another Blurry-Flashback-Induced-by-Someone-Tasting-Blood scene, it’ll be too soon.

THE NINJA AVENGER (1982) ** ½

A female Ninja on a quest for revenge bumps off bad guys one by one.  Problems arise when her boyfriend learns she’s a Ninja killer.  Things get even hairier when she finds out her boyfriend’s sister is the woman who killed her parents.

I can’t say this is a great movie, but our heroine displays several unique methods of Ninja training.  Some people say go fly a kite.  This woman actually flies around on one to land in the bad guy’s lair.  Later, she brings along a roll of brick-colored wallpaper to hide behind while she’s sneaking outside of a bad guy’s house.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen that in a Ninja flick before.  In another scene, she uses an exploding remote control airplane to kill someone, which makes me think Andy Sidaris might have seen it and took notes. 

Sure, this is a goofier than usual Kung Fu flick, but not goofy enough to make it a classic.  The action is more from the American school of action than straight-up Kung Fu.  There’s a car chase that rips off Diamonds are Forever, as well as a scene where the Ninja jumps over a car just like Action Jackson.  Still, this is one of the few Kung Fu movies where both the heroine and the villainess are equally sexy, not to mention lethal, so that counts for something.  The soundtrack is all sorts of funky too.

Too bad the climax is so damned weak.  The poorly done finale definitely cost the film a good Half Star.  You also have to suffer through some boring relationship drama that sometimes makes the movie feel like a Kung Fu soap opera.  I do have to admit that some of the relationship drama is pretty funny though.  I especially liked our heroine’s boyfriend’s pick-up line:  “I’m an extrovert, but I’m not a womanizer.”

AKA:  Impossible Woman.  AKA:  Ninja Apocalypse.  

SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY (1999) **

Norman Reedus stars as a slow-witted teen susceptible to outbursts of violence.  When he gets an assignment to beat up a guy for the local Jewish Mob boss, he beats the guy within an inch of his life, which impresses his employer.  His newfound standing in the Jewish Mob eventually causes friction with his thug friend (Adrien Brody) and his domineering mother (Debbie Harry).

Six Ways to Sunday comes from director Adam Bernstein, who is probably best known for directing It’s Pat and the “Love Shack” and “Baby Got Back” videos.  While he does have a modicum of style, it’s evident he’s better off working in a shorter format that doesn’t involve feature length plots.  There are a couple of interesting character moments here and there, but it’s really not enough to sustain an entire movie.

The film came out on the tail end of all those Tarantino-inspired crime comedies.  This one is a little odder than most.  The subplot with Harry and Reedus’ weird incestuous relationship makes it more memorable than a lot of the similar films that came out around that time, but it doesn’t exactly make it better.  While the performances are good (I liked seeing Clark Gregg and Isaac Hayes paired as a couple of “Good Cop/Bad Cop” detectives), they are unable to pull the sloppy narrative together.

Things work in fits and starts, and while some stretches are diverting enough, the whole thing stops short of being completely engaging.  The erratic script and the obvious plot twists don’t do it any favors either.  If you want to watch a really great ‘90s crime comedy about an emotionally aloof hitman, check out Coldblooded, starring Jason Priestley instead.

AKA:  Blood with Milk.