REACH ME (2014) *

Writer/director John Herzfeld’s 2 Days in the Valley was one of the best of the Tarantino knockoffs of the ‘90s.  Herzfeld’s Reach Me sometimes plays like a companion piece to that film as it features an assorted bunch of underworld thugs clashing with a gaggle of oddballs while Danny Aiello bitches about a dog.  The multi-character narrative is actually closer to something like Magnolia, except it sucks.  In fact, this might be Herzfeld’s worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also directed Two of a Kind. 

The plot is a slipshod of vignettes that revolve around a self-help book written by mysterious anonymous author.  Sylvester Stallone plays an editor who sends a naïve journalist to find the author.  I know Stallone and Herzfeld are friends and all (Herzfeld had a bit part in Cobra and directed the behind-the-scenes documentary for The Expendables), but Sly should stop doing Herzfeld favors.  This might be Sly’s worst performance and his worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also starred in Party at Kitty and Stud's. 

Sly can’t do much with his indifferently written character.  There’s one odd scene where he tries to give the journalist a pep talk, but it winds up sounding like a speech from out of a Rambo movie.  We also get a perplexing scene where he gives the journalist a severe dressing-down while painting.  You see, because it’s supposed to be funny that a tough guy like Sly would be talking about colors and textures and mood. 

Most of the all-star cast don’t fare much better.  Tom Sizemore just kind of Tom Sizemores around as a loudmouth gangster.  (The jury is still out on whether or not his is his worst movie though.)  Tom Berenger is thoroughly wasted as the reclusive author and Cary Elwes isn’t given enough screen time to make his jerk character click.   

The only actors who flirt with rising above the material are Kyra Sedgwick as a jailbird who wants to be a fashion designer and Thomas Jane as a cop who guns down people Wild West style.  Jane’s scenes could’ve been fleshed out and made for a decent DTV action flick.  I especially liked the scenes where he confesses his crimes to a priest (Aiello) and asks forgiveness.  However, since his character is shoehorned in with the rest of the bunch, his arc is rushed and is resolved unsatisfyingly.  One thing you can say for Jane:  At least this isn’t his worst movie.  (That would be The Mutant Chronicles.)   

AKA:  Bad Luck.  AKA:  Out of Sight.  AKA:  Collection.

FREE FIRE (2017) ** ½

You know that scene in every action movie where the good guy gets winged by the villain’s bullet and he hides behind a corner and taunts his enemy?  Free Fire is like a feature length version of that scene.  It features an assorted group of oddballs coming to a dilapidated warehouse to do an arms deal.  Two of the men get to fighting, words are exchanged, and pretty soon, everyone has their guns drawn.  They get off a couple shots and everyone winds up shot and ducking for cover.  The rest of the film is nothing more than the characters angling for position, firing off shots, and trying to worm their way out of the situation. 

This is a rather audacious idea, but unfortunately director Ben (High Rise) Wheatley allows things to run on much too long for it to be entirely successful.  In many ways, it feels like someone’s first movie, given the single location, the fair amount of black comedy, and the sometimes-cheesy tough guy banter.  You’d think someone as seasoned as Wheatley would be able to make it work though.  While there are some funny stretches and an occasional clever gag, the whole thing never quite clicks. 

This must have been an interesting and challenging concept for Wheatley.  How do you make a shootout last for virtually an entire hour?  Although Wheatley doesn’t quite pull it off, in retrospect, it’s amazing just how much mileage Wheatley and his cast got out of the premise.    

On the outset, Free Fire looks like one of those ‘90s inspired Tarantino crime comedies (right down to the cheesy ‘70s fashions).  Really, it’s more like a DTV action movie with a slightly better pedigree.  It has a single location, claustrophobic action, and an eclectic cast.  I can’t quite pull the trigger and call it a “good” film, but it’s definitely a near-miss.

THE IRON FIST ADVENTURES (1972) **

No, this doesn’t have anything to do with that Marvel Comics guy.  It’s actually a ho-hum Jimmy Wang Yu movie.  Yu of course is most famous for playing The One-Armed Swordsman.  I guess this flick proves two arms aren’t necessarily better than one. 

Jimmy goes riding around with his loyal band of followers looking for the men who killed his brothers in battle.  Along the way, he gets framed for the death of a beloved leader and is arrested and put on trial.  After finally proving his innocence, he goes toe to toe with the crooked warlord who imprisoned him. 

You know, for a movie called The Iron Fist Adventures, Jimmy doesn't get to use his fists a whole lot.  Actually, the film features more gunplay than anything as nearly all the action starts with Yu and his enemy shooting at each other.  Then, when they run out of bullets, they draw swords and duel.  Then, when they knock their swords away, they fight hand to hand.  All of this gets repetitive after a while. 

Yu does what he can to salvage the movie.  When the film does work, it’s because of his cool charisma more than the middling fight scenes.  The other guys who make up his ragtag army are annoying though.  Their only purpose is to provide exposition and hammer home plot points.  It’s enough to make you wish Jimmy went on this mission solo. 

AKA:  The Adventure.  AKA:  The Cyclone.

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (2017) *

Dane DeHaan goes to a bizarro health spa in the middle of nowhere to get his boss to sign some important documents.  Inside of a minute, we know this place is bad news, but Dane hangs around for like an eternity before he figures out that the main doctor (Jason Isaacs from Soldier) has a screw loose.  It all drags on and on for the better part of two and a half hours until the big confrontation between DeHaan and Isaacs and even then, it plays out like a poor man’s version of a Guillermo del Toro Dr. Phibes remake or something. 

A Cure for Wellness?  More like a cure for insomnia.  Am I right?  

With this film, Gore Verbinski proves once again he has no business making horror movies.  Like his sorry Ring remake, there’s a lot of focus on a little girl with messy hair.  At least The Ring wasn't two and a half hours.  Heck, there’s not enough plot here for a half hour Twilight Zone episode, let alone a two-and-a-half-hour movie.  Gore, I’m telling you as a friend:  Stick to those big-budget Johnny Depp movies, buddy. 

The movie, in all fairness, looks like a million bucks.  However, the slick cinematography can’t hide the fact that there’s not a whole lot going on here.  Whatever plot “twists” we do get are predictable and incredibly drawn-out.   

I did however, find a cure for badness:  Take a shot of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone says the word “well”.  It’ll be just what the doctor ordered.  

BOYKA: UNDISPUTED (2017) ****

Scott Adkins returns to the ring for his third (and so far, best) outing as Yuri Boyka, the World’s Most Complete Fighter.  This time out, he’s out of prison and looking to make a name for himself on the fighting circuit.  After he accidentally kills an opponent in the ring, Boyka puts his bid for glory on hold in order to make amends with the man’s widow.  When he learns that she is basically an indentured servant to a local gangster, Boyka agrees to fight a series of increasingly difficult matches in order to secure her freedom. 

Boyka:  Undisputed plays out sort of like an MMA version of Diggstown as our hero finds himself fighting a number of opponents as part of a bet with the crooked owner of a small town.  There's even a last-minute twist where he is tricked into fighting an extra bout with a notorious prison brawler.  This guy is known as ‘The Nightmare" and he looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and he gives Boyka a run for his money.  

The fights are all crisply photographed and competently shot, but like the best sports movies, Boyka:  Undisputed gives you moments that make you cheer outside of the ring too.  I can honestly say that I got a little choked up when the fighter’s widow tells Boyka that she doesn’t need him to save her and he responds, “I’m doing this to save myself!”  Part of that is thanks to Adkins’ terrific performance.  He played a great villain in Undisputed 2 and made for a gruff, but likeable hero in Part 3.   Here, he excels as the brooding Boyka.  His internal struggle to be the best, but to also do the right thing is surprisingly touching. 

In Undisputed 2 and 3, Boyka fought in a prison.  Even though he’s a free man in this one, he finds himself in a prison of another kind:  The prison of his own expectations.  When you’re fighting to be the best, the only enemy you’ll truly face is yourself.  While the fact that he now fights for forgiveness as well as his own personal redemption might make it sound like the character has softened, let me tell you, this new, matured Boyka is just as vicious as ever.  

I don’t want to spoil the ending.  All I will say is that the character comes full circle and his emotional journey is one of the most touching you’ll see all year.  (The final shot gave me goosebumps.)  While I'd love to see Adkins continue to kick ass in more Undisputed sequels, the film ends on such a perfect note that it's going to be hard to top. Then again, I thought Rocky Balboa was the final word on Rocky until Creed came around, so anything is possible.

This is definitely one of the best movies of the year and probably the best Direct to DVD sequel ever made.

AKA:  Boyka:  Undisputed 4.  AKA:  Undisputed 4:  Boyka is Back.

GANG WAR (1958) **

Gang War gives Charles Bronson one of his earliest starring roles and plays kind of like a prototypical Bronson vehicle.  He stars as a meek schoolteacher who witnesses some gangsters kill a man.  When he reluctantly puts the finger on them, their boss (John Doucette) has his punch-drunk enforcer whack his pregnant wife.  This sends Chuck’s character, a Korean vet, on a quest for vengeance. 

All of this sounds like it can't miss, but it does.  It’s painfully slow moving and there’s not a whole lot of action.  Even though Bronson is top billed, he's not given much to do.  Mostly, it’s just scenes of Doucette sitting around and plotting.  

Director Gene Fowler, Jr. has a nice eye for detail.  He brings the same visual flair that he brought to I Was a Teenage Werewolf and I Married a Monster from Outer Space as the film often looks like a ‘40s film noir.  Too bad the sluggish pacing, low budget, and flimsy script pretty much undoes all his hard work. 

Although Bronson kind of gets the short end of the stick, he does have at least one memorable badass moment.  After he learns his wife and unborn child have been killed, he breaks open his dead kid’s piggy back with a hammer and uses the money to buy a gun.  Too bad his eventual clash with the villains is so lackluster. 

SONG TO SONG (2017) **

I always find Terrence Malick’s movies fascinating, even if they do have a tendency to leave me cold.  He has always had an eye for capturing beautiful landscapes, but his best films, Badlands, The Tree of Life, and The Thin Red Line, work because we can connect emotionally to the characters too.  Song to Song is for me, his worst film because not only are none of the characters likeable, the world they inhabit is kind of drab.

That’s not entirely correct.  The film is set against the backdrop of the music industry and several musicians (from Johnny Rotten to Iggy Pop to Patti Smith) cameo playing themselves.  A great movie could have been made set in this world, but it’s clear from the outset that Malick isn’t very interested in the cameos, or the various love triangles, or much of anything.

The plot follows a handful of characters (Ryan Gosling, Michael Fassbender, Natalie Portman, etc.) who fall in and out of love while attending industry parties and hanging out backstage at concerts.  Malick uses the same kind of set-up he used for To the Wonder.  Most scenes are fragmented, contain dialogue that often feels improvised, and it hops around quite a bit.  This worked well in To the Wonder because it felt like memories of a loved one looking back to a simpler time.  This just feels like snippets of what people do before they hook up/cheat on/break up with their partners.

You know you’re getting bored by a movie when you start counting how many Batmans its director has worked with.  As dull as much of the film is, Val Kilmer has a great cameo as an erratic musician that goes nuts on stage.  Since Malick has worked with George Clooney in The Thin Red Line, Christian Bale in The New World, and Ben Affleck in To the Wonder, all he has to do is find a role for Michael Keaton in his next flick and he'll be five-for-five as far as Batmans go.

Overall, Song to Song isn’t very good, but if you ever wanted to see Magneto bone Thor’s girlfriend, I guess you might want to see it.