HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CORPSE GRINDERS (1971) ***

Most people say Astro-Zombies is Ted V. Mikels’ best work, but I’d like to think this is his magnum opus.  The Corpse Grinders is 70 minutes of ‘70s silliness.  Imagine if Al Adamson tried to make an Andy Milligan movie and that might give you an idea of the lunacy in store. 

A doctor and his sexy nurse try to uncover why housecats are suddenly turning on their owners and killing them.  As it turns out, the proprietors of the Lotus Cat Food Company have been using corpses to enhance their cat food.  They soon take to using fresher ingredients (READ:  Living people) to increase their supply. 

The Corpse Grinders probably has too much plot for such a silly movie.  You have to follow the subplot of the doctor playing amateur detective along with the drama at the cat food plant, as well as the struggles of the gravedigger who supplies the company with fresh corpses.  That’s not even taking into account all the cat attacks that spice things up every now and then.  Even though the plot has a lot of moving parts, Mikels keeps the pacing running pretty smoothly. 

The shots of corpses and living people being put on the conveyor belt and fed to the industrial cat food machine are priceless.  The close-ups of the chewed-up meat spewing out of the machine are great too and I loved the not-so subliminal shots of the spinning wheels that are intercut over the potential victims’ faces.  The film probably needed a couple more cat attack scenes to fully make it a bona fide classic, but when you consider just how tough it is to get a cat to do anything, let alone act, it’s amazing we got as many as we did. 

Even if The Corpse Grinders is a decidedly low-rent affair, the cinematography makes it look like a million bucks.  The colorful lighting looks like something out of an Argento film.  I can’t say it’s a must-see or anything, but it definitely looks better than your typical schlock movie of the era. 

AKA:  Night of the Howling Beast.  AKA:  The Flesh Grinders.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE DEMONIACS (1974) ***

A band of pirates known as “The Wreckers” place lighthouses close to shore, so they can cause boats to shipwreck; making them easy targets to loot and pillage.  (Kind of like in The Fog.)  When the Wreckers happen upon two beautiful mute shipwreck survivors, they rape them and leave them for dead.  Somehow, the women manage to survive and with the help of a clown find a castle that contains an ancient spirit who dresses like Elvis.  They free him, and he agrees to help them get revenge on the Wreckers (but not before they all have sex together). 

Man, this movie has everything.  Sexy pirate women, clairvoyant hookers, creepy clowns, stud spirits that dress like Elvis… you name it, it’s got it.  Director Jean Rollin doubles down on his trademark surrealism here.  The scenes of the vast ship graveyard are atmospheric and the sequences inside the castle ruins are equally beautiful.  Some scenes feel like they came out of a nightmare.  Take for instance the scene where a pirate menaces the women with a giant brandy snifter and he winds up falling face first on it and slashing his throat.  You don’t see that kind of shit every day, folks.  

The movie really belongs to Joelle Coeur, who plays Tina, the sexy pirate.  This Tina is something else.  Not only does she get off on instigating murder, she always seems to find a reason to rip her shirt off and grope herself a whole bunch and roll around on the ground in ecstasy.  It’s truly a fearless, full-tilt performance. 

Like much of Rollin’s work, The Demoniacs has a tendency to bog down in places.  Honestly, there was no reason for this to be two hours long.  Even with its extended running time, some of the plot detours are entertaining (like the aforementioned clairvoyant hooker).  Because of that, it’s a fun, if drawn-out ride. 

AKA:  Revenge of the Virgins.  AKA:  Curse of the Living Dead.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: LIPS OF BLOOD (1975) ***

I don’t think I can quite say that Lips of Blood is Jean Rollin’s best movie, but I can say that it is probably the Jean Rolliniest movie he ever made.  All the director’s trademarks are here:  Decrepit castles, beautiful women in sheer negligees, vampires, and straightjackets.  It also has a real waking nightmare vibe about it that gets under your skin.  While everything might not always make logical sense, there’s a dreamlike quality to the picture that encourages the viewer to forgo things like “logic” and “sense” and accept it on its own terms. 

Frederic (Jean-Loup Philippe) goes to a party and sees a photograph that dredges up a long-repressed memory.  He remembers meeting a beautiful woman at a castle when he was a child and soon becomes obsessed with finding the place and tracking down the woman.  Despite repeated warnings, he finds the castle and winds up awakening a cult of vampire women. 

The mystery takes its time unfolding, but it does so in a suspenseful and satisfying way.  Lips of Blood is slow movie, though it’s never boring.  It’s artsy without being pretentious.  While it contains a lot of exploitation elements, Rollinshandles all the naked vampires and nude photo shoots in a tasteful, elegant manner. 

He also has fun with the surreal, dreamlike imagery.  The scene where our hero finds a bat in a coffin is memorable and the scene where a coffin is slowly swept into the sea is particularly haunting.  While it’s not always successful and the pacing can be frustrating at times, it’s still worth a look for both the casual horror viewer and Rollin fans alike. 

AKA:  Suck Me, Vampire.

NETFLIX AND KILL: TRAIN TO BUSAN (2016) ***

A workaholic father takes his daughter aboard a train to see her mother.  A woman bitten by a zombie and stumbles aboard the train just as it is leaving the depot.  She soon becomes zombified and begins biting other passengers, spreading the virus throughout the train.   

Train to Busan is a zombie movie, but it also functions as a metaphor for how one should act during a crisis.  Our hero is selfish and is only concerned with saving himself and his daughter.  She is a bit more idealistic (or naïve, depending on your point of view) and tries to help others aboard the train.  (“You only care about yourself.  That’s why mom left.”)  Naturally, her father slowly learns not to be so selfish throughout the ordeal. 

The group of survivors that band together are pretty interesting for this sort of thing.  We have a pregnant couple, a pair of elderly sisters, and a baseball team.  There’s also a bit of an implied class struggle going on as the one rich asshole constantly forces the porters to cave in to his demands during the attack. 

The zombie attacks on the train are simple yet effective.  The World War Z type of zombies seen later in the picture at various train stations are less successful, but it is kind of cool to see them spilling into rooms in hordes and falling off rooftops and second story windows like lemmings.  I’ll admit, some of the new zombie rules are kind of lame (they can’t see in the dark?!?) and the two-hour running time could’ve been a lot shorter.  However, the ending, while predictable, hits all the right notes. 

In short, this was a great way to end Netflix and Kill.  Sure, I watched thirty-one horror movies in thirty-one days (although it took me thirty-two to review them all), but that doesn’t mean the horror is going to stop.  I’ve still have plenty of horror movie reviews in the pipe for a column I’ll be calling Halloween Hangover, which should probably take up most of November. 

AKA:  Invasion Zombie.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986) THE THEATRICAL CUT: **** THE DIRECTOR’S CUT: ***

Roger Corman’s 1960 The Little Shop of Horrors is a classic in its own right.  It’s probably more famous for the legend surrounding the movie (it was shot in two days) than for what really wound up on screen.  I still have a big place in my heart for it, mostly because it shows what an unhinged maniac Jack Nicholson could be, even at an early age. 

Frank Oz’s 1986 adaptation of Howard Ashman and Alan Menken’s Off-Broadway remake is a pitch perfect movie.  When I saw it at a young age on the big screen, it made a huge impression on me.  The combination of off-the-wall humor, wild musical numbers, and the scary (but hilarious) man-eating plant Audrey II really got all my eight-year-old horror film fan synapses firing. 

The 1986 version follows the original fairly closely.  Seymour (Rick Moranis) is a lowly flower shop employee who pines for his co-worker Audrey (Ellen Greene).  When the shop is on the verge of closing, Seymour displays his new Venus Fly Trap, Audrey II in the window and people begin to flood the store to get a glimpse at the plant.  Business starts booming, but in order to keep business up, Seymour has to keep Audrey II healthy, which means feeding her fresh blood, and eventually humans. 

It all ended with good conquering evil and Seymour and Audrey running away together and living the life they always dreamed.  However, what Oz and company originally intended was much darker.  In the theatrical version, Seymour is forced to feed his true love Audrey to the plant and is soon eaten himself.  Audrey II’s buds open, revealing more and more man-eating plants that grow huge and eventually take over the world, culminating in a neat moment where Audrey II bursts through the screen. 

It just doesn’t work though.  I mean you spend ninety minutes rooting for Seymour and Audrey to get together only to have her begging to be fed to the plant.  It’s especially hard for Audrey because she’s been continually beaten and abused by her dentist boyfriend (Steve Martin).  When she sings “Somewhere That’s Green” she’s singing for a bright future and the audience really wants her to have that life with Seymour.  In the theatrical cut, it’s a triumphant moment when the couple finally get what they’ve always wanted.  In the director’s cut, Audrey is eaten by Audrey II and “Somewhere That’s Green” turns into a punchline for a bad pun. 

This director’s cut ending might’ve worked on the stage.  I just think it’s a big miscalculation for a movie.  I don’t think Oz and company realized the chemistry Moranis and Greene were going to have.  When they are on screen, they are dynamite together.  I mean, I’m all for a nihilistic ending, but honestly, they are so likeable that you don’t want them to die, let alone see the world engulfed in killer plants.  (If you were making a musical remake of Day of the Triffids, that would be a different story.)  It also doesn’t help that the scenes of the Audrey IIs destroying the city (while impressive looking) goes on too long and gets repetitive in a hurry.   

Luckily, most of the eighty minutes or so that precedes the ending is identical to the theatrical.  Rick Moranis has never been better.  He was rarely given a leading man role and it’s amazing how good he is.  He’s a great singer too as it turns out.  Greene (who originated the role on stage) is wonderful and gives the squeaky-voiced Audrey (who could’ve been a paper-thin character) so much dimension. 

The movie really belongs to the cavalcade of awesome supporting players.  Steve Martin has never been better as the sadistic dentist.  His musical number is one of the best things he’s ever done.  The scene with Bill Murray as his machoistic patient is a textbook example of comic timing.  John Candy is also great as the host of a radio show that showcases weird phenomenon. 

This was a big stepping stone for Oz.  It was the perfect vehicle for him to show what he could do without the support of Jim Henson and the Muppets.  Combining comedy, special effects, puppetry, and guest stars was certainly in his wheelhouse and he did a phenomenal job wrangling all those aspects and bringing them together to make a cohesive and enormously entertaining picture.  

The lyrics by Howard Ashman (who later went on to write the songs for The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin) are catchy and funny.  It’s also neat that “Somewhere That’s Green” plays like a dry run for The Little Mermaid’s “Part of Your World”.  The music is great from top to bottom, with the exception of the director’s cut’s final number that plays when Audrey II attacks, which is nowhere near as catchy as the stuff in the theatrical cut. 

Maybe I’m just too attached to the theatrical cut.  I’ve seen it over a dozen times and know a lot of the songs by heart.  I usually hate it when test audiences’ reactions change movies on general principals, but the theatrical cut is a reminder that sometimes, the audience knows better than the filmmakers.

NETFLIX AND KILL: THE HOST (2007) *** ½

A bunch of formaldehyde gets poured down the drain and in a few years’ time, a big scaly monster is running around South Korea eating people.  A food truck worker is devastated when his daughter is carried off by the monster.  Since he came in close contact with the beast, he is taken away by the government and placed in quarantine.  While awaiting examination, he gets a call from his daughter and breaks out of quarantine with his family in order to find her.

Director Joon-ho (Snowpiercer) Bong does a good job at getting the show on the road.  He sketches the characters quickly and the likeable performances ensure that we care about them every step of the way.  I also liked the way he created jump scares through clever editing instead of just throwing a cat into the scene.  

The monster design is pretty rad.  It looks like a cross between The Relic and Godzilla.  I also dug the way it swung itself around using its tail.   

The Host is full of memorable monster-mashing moments and inventive scenes of carnage and survival.  It probably didn’t warrant a two-hour running time though.  It could’ve used a nip and a tuck here and there (the scenes that try to make a commentary on the SARS outbreak don’t quite), but it's definitely a lot of fun, especially when the monster is running amuck. 

AKA:  Monster.

NETFLIX AND KILL: THE VOID (2017) **

A cop finds an injured man in the woods and rushes him to a hospital that’s on the verge of shutting down.  At first, it looks like it’s going to be an ordinary night until nurses start hacking their faces off.  Then a flock of killers in white hoods surround the place to ensure the patients, doctors, and cops inside can’t leave.  Just when they think their situation couldn’t get any worse, they’re attacked by a horde of slimy monsters. 

Directors Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski are obvious students of John Carpenter as there are moments here that echo Halloween 2, Assault on Precinct 13, and The Thing.  (They even use Carpenter font for the end credits.)  There are also scenes that rip-off/borrow from Night of the Living Dead, Hellraiser, and The Beyond.  Horror fans may enjoy picking up on these little sly references to other movies, but unfortunately the stuff the duo came up with on their own never really clicks. 

The monsters are a throwback to the ‘80s.  There’s no CGI here, just honest-to-goodness practical effects.  They are appropriately icky and gooey too.  I just wish the drama that held the monster sequences together were more involving.  The scenes of people arguing with one another before splitting up and slowly tiptoeing down a hospital corridor before happening upon a slimy monster gets a bit repetitive after a while.  The frustrating pacing, thin characters, and predictable ending don’t exactly help matters either.