THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (1984) **

The stars of Hercules, Lou Ferrigno and Sybil Danning once again teamed up for another sword and sorcery epic.  This time, it’s a remake of Akira Kurosawa’s The Seven Samurai.  You might think it’s weird that Italian hackmeisters Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso were doing their version of a Kurosawa movie, but it’s not so odd when you consider that the Roger Corman-produced Warrior and the Sorceress, a sword and sorcery remake of Yojimbo, was released the same year.  Sadly, it’s not nearly as much fun as Hercules.  It’s no Warrior and the Sorceress either.

So, there’s this asshole who goes running around slaughtering villagers and robbing them blind.  He decides to take a break from all the pillaging, but vows to return and steal what little of the village is still up for grabs.  Luckily for them, the villagers have this sword that will choose the right man to protect the town.  However, if you aren’t the right guy, the sword will fry your hand.  Naturally, Lou Ferrigno holds the sword with no problem and he gets Sybil Danning and five other friends to help the villagers fight the bad guy.

The Seven Magnificent Gladiators plays like a cross between an Italian peplum adventure from the ‘60s and an American sword and sorcery epic from the ‘80s.  It’s not bad or anything, but it’s not exactly a sterling example of the genre.  Much of the entertainment value comes from the awful dubbing of Ferrigno (which adds to the ‘60s peplum feel immensely) and the badass performance by the scantily clad Danning.  (This was her second Seven Samurai remake after Battle Beyond the Stars.)

There is a chariot race scene early on that's edited and photographed so poorly that it plays like a blueprint for a 21st century action sequence.  The incoherent editing and the shoddy camerawork are enough to give you a headache.  Thank goodness, the action gets better as it goes along as Mattei and Fragasso handle all the sword fights and fight scenes in a more competent manner.

PADDINGTON 2 (2018) ****

I thoroughly enjoyed the first Paddington, but I had no idea how much I’d love the second one.  Paddington 2 is a beautiful, enchanting, and heartwarming motion picture that children of all ages will enjoy.  That’s not something I expected to feel when I went to see it, but it’s the truth.  I’m a guy who generally likes slasher, exploitation, and grindhouse types of movies.  However, I am not immune to the charms of a cute bear in a red hat.

Paddington 2 isn’t quite as dark as the first film.  This time around, the villain (a delightful Hugh Grant) isn’t out to kill and stuff the poor bear, just frame him and send him to jail.  The fact that an adorable bear like Paddington is going to The Big House is distressing in its own right.  Since Paddington has a way of spreading cheer wherever he goes, it’s safe to say that he won’t be in the clink for long.

In fact, this is the best prison movie since The Shawshank Redemption.

If this was just a cute bear movie, it would be one thing.  Director Paul King, who has apparently decided not to rest on his laurels his second go-round, ups his craftsmanship game to 11.  There are some positively jaw-dropping sequences here that are as good as anything Orson Welles ever did with a camera.  The pop-up book sequence is one of the most technically proficient scenes I’ve seen in some time.  Not only is it exhilarating on a technical level, it is a beautiful and enchanting moment that gives the audience a taste of Paddington’s aspirations.  Once King has laid out Paddington’s dreams in such a wonderful manner, you’d be totally heartless not to root for him throughout the rest of the picture.

Not only is the film heartfelt and genuinely moving, it’s also quite hilarious.  The extended sequence where Paddington, ever trying to do a good deed, tries his hand at washing windows is reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin.  Heck, later in the film there is even a direct Chaplin homage that is also very funny.  Hugh Grant also gets lots of laughs as the dastardly villain, the wonderfully named Phoenix Buchanan.

In short, Paddington 2 is The Godfather 2 of talking bear movies.  It’s also the second-best film I’ve seen this month in which Sally Hawkins invites an animal with humanlike features into her home and shares a touching underwater scene with it.  If that isn’t a rave review, I don’t know what is. 

FORCE OF EXECUTION (2013) ** ½

Steven Seagal stars as a gangster who sends his right-hand man (Bren Foster) to perform a hit in a prison.  When he kills the wrong man, Foster must atone for his mistake.  A rival boss has his men tie Foster down and cripple his hands, causing him to go into early retirement.  Foster then spends his time as a bum living above Danny Trejo’s diner.  Meanwhile, a criminal fresh out of jail (Ving Rhames) makes a play for Seagal’s territory.  Seagal then must bring Foster out of retirement to take Rhames down.

Force of Execution is a tad better than expected for a latter-day Seagal effort.  The gang war plotline is cliched, but there are enough solid moments to keep you watching.  Things improve once Rhames gets out of jail and starts turning the heat up on Seagal.  (It should also be noted that although Rhames plays a character who’s been in prison and is named “Iceman”, this doesn’t seem to be an Undisputed sequel as far as I could tell.)

Sure, the film is overlong and a bit over-plotted, but Foster’s plotline helps to make it memorable.  His road to redemption is reminiscent of the original Django with Franco Nero as they both must overcome having their hands crippled by the bad guys.  Nero never had Danny Trejo in his corner though.  Trejo’s character just so happens to be a “Mexican witch doctor” who intentionally lets poisonous scorpions sting Foster’s hands to help them heal quicker.  I have no idea if this has any basis in medical fact, but it certainly makes for a cool scene.

Foster is a talent to watch too.  Even though his character can’t use his hands for much of the movie, he still does a great job kicking ass without them.  He's a solid actor as well and reminded me a bit of Scott Adkins in some of his scenes. 

Seagal is marginally more invested here than usual.  The scene where he lovingly talks about his gun collection is nice.  The way he goes on about them is enough to make you think they aren’t props, but actual pieces from his collection.  While he spends most of the movie sitting behind a desk, he does get up to kick a little ass in the final reel.  It’s here where he dons the scarf and sunglasses look we now associate with the modern era of Seagal films.  (He’d later adopt similar looks in Sniper:  Special Ops and Code of Honor.)  If only he got out from behind the desk sooner, this might’ve been a *** deal.

TRASH (1970) * ½

Trash was the second part of director Paul Morrissey’s trilogy of low budget underground films produced by Andy Warhol.  It looks and feels cheap and amateurish in just about every way.  I guess if it wasn’t for the nudity, rampant drug use, and use of trans actresses it would’ve been promptly forgotten.

Joe Dallesandro stars as a junkie who gets high so often that he can’t get it up for his lover (Holly Woodlawn).  Most of the movie is devoted to interchangeable scenes of Dallesandro shooting up, trying, and failing to get it on with different women.  Trust me when I tell you that this is all less than riveting stuff.

Things start to look up in the third act though.  It’s here where things turn into a deranged soap opera as Holly catches Joe cheating on her with her very pregnant sister.  I also enjoyed the ending where Holly and Joe try to fake a pregnancy in order to collect welfare.  There’s also a scene in which Holly fucks herself with a beer bottle that has to be seen to be believed.  

It’s a shame that the first hour is so damned dull because the last half hour is pretty bonkers.  You can almost imagine John Waters was taking notes while watching Trash when he was preparing Pink Flamingos.  Whether or not you can get that far will depend on your willingness to sit through long, boring scenes of heroin-induced erectile dysfunction.

THE TRUST (2016) ***

Nicolas Cage stars as a cop who works in the evidence room who yearns for a better life.  Maybe he’d be okay if his captain treated him like a human being.  Instead, he only talks to Cage when he needs him to set aside evidence he wants for himself before it goes up for grabs at a police auction.  

When Cage stumbles upon a receipt for a lowly busboy who was bailed out on $200,000 cash, it gets him thinking.  Together with his pal Elijah Wood, a crime scene investigator, they decide to put a tail on the guy and see what his story is.  Their hard work eventually pays off when they discover the whereabouts of a mysterious vault.  Naturally, the pair decide to try to break in and rob it.

Before you ask, yes, The Trust features a great latter-day Cage performance.  He doesn’t phone it in, although he doesn’t go full-blown crazy Cage either.  He’s definitely more tweaked and weird than your typical leading man.  Whether he’s applying liberal doses of sunblock to his nose, making bad jokes at inappropriate times (like saying "you know the drill" before Wood is about to drill into the safe), or repeating words over and over again in anger, Cage is always a joy to watch. 

Wood makes for a good foil.  He acts incredulous to most of Cage’s behavior and his blank stare during Cage’s more manic moments is a nice balance of acting styles.  Still, his character sticks with Cage, mostly because he doesn't have anything better to do (which probably describes Wood’s offscreen willingness to play straight man to Cage).  They are so good together that you wish they’ll get paired up again real soon.  Oh, and if you blink, you’ll miss Jerry Lewis in his final film role as Cage’s dad.

The heist stuff is rather standard issue stuff I’m afraid.  If you came hoping to see some sort of ingenious Ocean’s 11 style heist, you’re going to be disappointed.  However, as a character study of two down-on-their-luck losers, it works.  (There are long stretches that feel like a two-character play.)  Although the plot itself is low key, Cage’s energetic performance helps to liven things up considerably.   

AKA:  The Trust:  Big Trouble in Sin City.

JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (2017) *** ½

The original Jumanji involved some kids playing a jungle-themed board game that caused a bunch of wild animals to spring out of the game and wreak havoc.  Since that was twenty-two years ago, Welcome to the Jungle updates things for the modern era.  This time around, the kids get sucked into the Jumanji video game.  The filmmakers were wise enough not to update things too much.  Since the game system is clearly modeled on ‘90s 16-Bit technology, the non-playable characters recite their pithy dialogue again and again until the players decide what to do.  It’s a small touch, but a welcome one for people who remember (and still play) those old games.  

In fact, the whole movie is like that.  It’s a little better, funnier, and more heartfelt than it really needed to be at just about every turn.  Because of that, it’s not only a worthy sequel to Jumanji, it manages to be even better.

Given the fact that the cast includes The Rock, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan, and Jack Black as the video game characters pretty much guaranteed this was going to be fun one way or another.  Even if the script was weak, the chemistry between the leads could’ve easily pulled it off.  Since the teens are stuck inside the characters’ bodies, it opens to door to a series of endless comedic possibilities.  The Rock, Hart, Gillan, and Blark gleefully have fun externalizing the teenage characters that inhabit them, which leads to several big laughs throughout the picture.  (The Rock and Gillan have a kiss that undoubtedly will go on to win Best Kiss at the next MTV Movie Awards.)

While director Jake (Orange County) Kasdan milks the premise for all its worth, he also does something unexpected:  He makes the body-switching stuff surprisingly sweet.  I mean Black could’ve played the part of a teenage girl trapped inside a middle-aged man’s body sophomoric and crude (and yes, there is some of that here), but he manages to make the transformation seamless and dare I say, endearing too.  By the end of the movie, you even begin to care about him/her, which is something I definitely wasn’t expecting.  This is simply some of the best body-swapped acting since Face/Off.  

Kasdan does a fine job with the various animal attacks and motorcycle stunts, and has fun with playing around with the concept of being trapped in a video game (the players only have three lives).  The only debit is the boring and thoroughly one-dimensional villain.  The fact that the villain is played by the usually gregarious Bobby Cannavale makes it that much more disappointing.  Still, you have to love the random Tim Matheson extended cameo.

RED WATER (2003) **

Oil drilling in the Louisiana bayou causes a hungry bull shark to get loose and chomp down on a bunch of swimmers.  A down-on-his-luck fisherman (Lou Diamond Phillips) is hired by his ex-wife oil executive (Kristy Swanson) to do a survey of the area.  They cross paths with a drug dealer (Coolio) who’s looking to recover some stashed loot from a deal gone sour.  He takes them hostage to look for the money and soon they run afoul of the hungry shark.

Red Water starts off with a bang when a beautiful bathing beauty gets eaten by the shark.  Director Charles Robert Carner (who also wrote Gymkata, Blind Fury, and Christmas Rush) delivers a decent jump scare during this sequence, which lead me to believe this was going to be a better than average SYFY Channel Shark movie.  Once the dull drug dealer subplot (not to mention the even duller oil drilling subplot) takes over, things get awfully tedious.  I guess Carner is trying to say that humans are just as deadly as man-eating sharks, but the way he does it his ham-fisted at best.  

When the shark is front and center, Red Water is a watchable effort.  Although the shark attacks are few and far between, the shark effects themselves are pretty good and Carner knows how to set up a severed hand gag with the best of them.  Sadly, the stuff on dry land is interminable.  

The cast is better than the film deserves.  Phillips plays things very seriously, which feels a little out of place.  It’s as if no one told him he was starring in a SYFY Channel movie.  Swanson does a fine job in the thankless role that requires her to be both Phillips’ ex AND the face of the corporate villain.  Coolio gets by from basically playing himself, although you wish the script gave him more zingers.