HEADSHOT (2017) *** ½

Iko Uwais stars as an amnesiac who washes ashore.  A pretty doctor (Chelsea Islan) looks after him and tries to help him remember his past.  Before long, a vicious kingpin (Sunny Pang) sends his men looking for Uwais.

Headshot is a tough, mean, and violent action flick that is a great vehicle for Iko Uwais.  If you loved him in The Raid, you’re guaranteed to enjoy this one.  It’s full of brutal, bloody fight scenes, and contains one of Uwais’ best performances to date.

I especially liked the early scenes where Pang’s henchman went to work on a rival gang.  Besi (Very Tri Yulisman, Baseball Bat Man from The Raid 2) is an unassuming guy with glasses and Riki (Julie Estelle, Hammer Girl from The Raid 2) is a quiet woman with a scarf around her face.  They are severely underestimated by the other gang and the duo wind up mopping the floor with dozens of people without breaking a sweat.

Uwais gets an excellent fight sequence on a bus full of slaughtered passengers.  He gets doused with gasoline and must fight off a thug waving a lighter.  After narrowly beating him, along comes a guy brandishing a torch.  It’s a perfect out-of-the-frying-pan-and-into-the-fire moment, but the scene keeps finding new ways to escalate from there, which makes it a real treat.

There is also an extended assault on a police station that is very much like something out of The Raid.  First, Uwais fights a machete-wielding maniac while tied to a desk before battling a shotgun-toting killer while hiding under a series of desks, until participating in an all-out brawl with a baldheaded lunatic who gets hit with everything from telephones to typewriters to paper cutters and keeps on coming after Uwais.  This sequence alone makes Headshot Uwais’ best solo vehicle since The Raid 2.

At nearly two hours, it does run on a bit too long.  The final three fights, though more personal and ugly, lack the panache and jaw-dropping madness of the stuff found in the second act.  That is only a minor quibble as Headshot remains another must-see from Uwais.

BEYOND SKYLINE (2017) **

I watched the original Skyline a few weeks ago, if only to prepare myself for this Frank Grillo/Iko Uwais starring follow-up.  It wasn’t great or anything, but it did have a balls-out bizarre ending.  Despite the potentially badass pairing of Grillo and Uwais, Beyond Skyline is unfortunately more of the same.

Grillo is a cop who picks up his fuck-up son (Jonny Weston) from the police station.  On their way home, the city is invaded by aliens.  Grillo and his son are sucked up into the mothership and are separated.  He is then aided by a half-alien half-human soldier who helps him find his son.  

I wanted to like Beyond Skyline, but the interchangeable monster attacks, unimaginative spaceship setting, and inconsistent special effects prevents the movie from really taking off.  There are more brain-ripping tentacle aliens, but the new aliens, like the cool Ultraman-type of monster, are woefully underutilized.  Once the film shifts to the jungle, it pretty much stops on a dime.

It also takes Uwais about an hour to show up.  The fight between he and Grillo is brief and isn’t very well choreographed.  I was pleased to see Uwais’ co-star from The Raid, Yayan “Mad Dog” Ruhian appear, but unfortunately, he spends most of his time locked up.  The thrill of Grillo, Uwais, and Ruhian teaming up and squaring off against aliens is short-lived, and poorly edited and filmed to boot.  (We also get Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas as a blind homeless man, although he’s pretty much wasted too.)

At one-hundred-and-seven minutes, the pacing is slow.  A Frank Grillo and Iko Uwais vs. Aliens movie shouldn’t feel so plodding, but that’s exactly what director Liam O’Donnell manages to do.

Like the original, the set-up for the sequel is a lot more interesting (it looks like it’s going to take off into a more Star Wars-influenced direction) than anything found in the rest of the movie.  I’m sure if they put that much invention into the script for this one instead of looking ahead into the future, it would’ve made for a better picture.  As it is, Beyond Skyline isn’t bad, it’s just supremely disappointing, given the talent involved.

BAD ASSES ON THE BAYOU (2015) ***

Everyone’s favorite geriatric Bad Asses, Danny Trejo and Danny Glover get an all-expenses paid vacation to Baton Rouge to see their friend Loni Love get married.  She gets kidnapped on the eve of her wedding and the police do a piss-poor job of finding her.  It’s then up to the two Bad Asses to go into action to bring her back.

The change of scenery is a nice touch.  Really, we don’t need an excuse to get Trejo and Glover back together again, but it works just as well as any.  Their chemistry is as effortless as ever and the duo get plenty of laughs while foiling bank robberies, busting up a titty bar, and beating the snot out of the bad guys.  

Like the previous entries in the Bad Ass saga, Bad Asses on the Bayou has a nice blend of humor and genuine emotion.  Trejo is equally effective sticking a redneck’s head into a deep fryer as he is imparting wisdom to Love’s bullied brother.  Glover once again steals many scenes out from under Trejo.  He’s almost as good with Trejo as he was with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies, which is about as big of a compliment as I can give.

John Amos was an inspired addition to the team.  He plays Love’s father who joins the Bad Asses in the final act to get his daughter back from the kidnappers.  The promise of another sequel featuring the trio is teased at the end and I earnestly hope it comes sooner rather than later.

What’s amazing about this series is its consistency.  I can’t call Bad Asses on the Bayou a classic or anything, but it’s just as good as the first two.  If writer/director Craig Moss can keep cranking them out, I’ll gladly keep watching them.

Trejo gets the best line of the movie when he narrowly lands an airplane and says, “Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines!”

AKA:  Bad Ass 3:  Bad Asses on the Bayou.

THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) ***

I watched The Condemned just because it had Stone Cold Steve Austin in it, but from what I remember, it was rather terrible.  This sequel stars Randy Orton (son of Cowboy Bob), a wrestler who was kind of after my time.  Although I’m unfamiliar with his ring experience, he makes for a decent enough leading man for a WWE DTV action sequel.

Orton plays a bounty hunter whose anxious team accidentally kills their target (Wes Studi) during a raid.  He gets two years’ probation and tries to spend his time staying out of trouble.  Naturally, he is dumbfounded when his former team members try to kill him.  As it turns out, they are all pawns in a bad guy’s scheme to pit his friends against Orton while the rich and elite place wagers on who will live and who will die.

The Condemned was set on an island prison where prisoners fought to be the last man standing.  This one couldn’t afford to film on an island, so it just features a lot of scenes of guys fighting each other in the middle of the desert.  As it turns out, the simplified premise is to the movie’s benefit as it makes for a tighter structure.

I should’ve never doubted a movie directed by Roel (Hard Target 2, The Man with the Iron Fists 2, 12 Rounds 2, Death Race 2, The Marine 2) Reine and written by Alan B. (Halloween 4, Rapid Fire, Wrong Turn) McElroy.  Admittedly, some of this is threadbare and routine, but there was one at least one scene that stands as the most hilarious/awesome/you-can’t-make-this-shit-up scenes I’ve seen in some time.  When Orton’s buddy hunts him in the desert, there’s a shot of his foot making a footprint in the sand.  Then, Orton rises out of the desert floor to jump on the guy and attack him.  

Why is this scene so hilarious?  Let us first ask a few simple questions, like:  A) How did Orton cover himself up with dirt so quickly? B) How was he able to smooth out the dirt so it looked like an even surface? C) How did he know the guy who was tracking him would walk through that very exact spot? D) How could he miraculously not have a speck of dirt on him in the very next shot?  All I can say is I live for moments like this.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: 

Eric Roberts as Orton’s dad.  Is it weird I got a little choked up when Eric Roberts reconciled with his estranged son by joining him to take down an illegal gambling operation by brandishing a grenade launcher and blowing up their hidden fortress?  This is simply one of the greatest displays of paternal affection in cinema history.  I wish Eric Roberts was my dad.  That Emma Roberts is a lucky girl. 

The thing that makes Roberts’ role so great is that it wasn’t one of those one-day shoots that he does for most DTV movies.  This is a fairly sizable role, offering him a meaty character that has a surprisingly emotional story arc.  This is without a doubt one of Roberts’ best performances in a while. 

Folks, I didn't know I needed a WWE DTV sequel with a grenade launcher-toting Eric Roberts in my life, but here we are.

RAMPAGE (2018) ***

The Rock plays a primatologist whose best friend is an albino ape named George.  When genetic material literally falls from the sky, George comes into contact with it and begins growing exponentially.  Pretty soon, a giant crocodile and a mutant wolf (who can also fly) begin stomping on Chicago and only The Rock can stop them.

Rampage is based on the old ‘80s video game, which of course was itself a throwback to King Kong vs. Godzilla (with a giant wolf thrown in for good measure).  As a fan of the game, I was a little dismayed that the monsters didn’t turn into naked humans when they were slain, but other than that, it’s a good enough interpretation.  The monsters climb buildings, eat people, and beat the crap out of each other.  If only it didn’t take so long to get around to the good stuff.

Like a Godzilla movie, you can’t judge Rampage for its sometimes-unnecessary dialogue scenes.  The cast infuses the film with a weird energy that prevents these scenes from getting too dull.  Jeffery Dean Morgan is a lot of fun as the shady government agent who’s a cowboy at heart.  Malin Akerman is a hoot as the evil corporate villain responsible for unleashing the monsters.  Resembling Cameron Diaz playing Cruella de Vil as an ‘80s yuppie, she chews the scenery as much as the monsters do.  (I also loved the fact that she kept the old Rampage arcade cabinet in her office.)

In addition to King Kong vs. Godzilla, the movie also slyly steals from Aliens (the scene where Joe Maganiello’s SWAT team gets taken down one by one by Ralph, the wolf), The Blob (the scene where George comes into contact with the serum), and Mission:  Impossible (the scene where The Rock escapes a crashing airplane).

The best moments come early on when The Rock cares for George.  The bond between the two is genuine and it gives the movie an unexpected emotional core.  It’s particularly funny when they bust each other’s balls via sign language.

The second act where Morgan mobilizes his men and the monsters make their way to Chicago is a bit pokey.  This stuff could’ve benefited from some tighter editing.  Once they reach the city, the gloves come off and the monster mashing is full of carnage, extensive destruction, and fun.

TAINTED (1998) ** ½

J.T. (Sean Farley, who also wrote the screenplay) is a video store manager who wants to see a midnight show of Blade Runner with his buddy Ryan (Greg James).  Their ride bails on them, so J.T. convinces his new employee, Alex (Dusan Chekvala) to give them a ride.  On the way to the theater, Alex’s car breaks down and he goes to his ex-girlfriend Adia (Tina Kapousis) for help.  They learn Alex is a vampire when some street thugs try to mug them.  He convinces them he’s just your average guy with no intention of harming humans unless they really deserve it.  When they arrive at Adia’s house, they discover her new boyfriend Slain (Jason Brouwer) is a vampire who’s scheming to taint the city’s blood supply with vampire blood.  The three friends then set out to stop him. 

As someone who’s seen a lot of low budget vampire horror comedies in their time, I can honestly say that you can do a lot worse than Tainted.  It’s very much a ‘90s time capsule, which makes it oddly endearing.  It was obviously influenced by Pulp Fiction, Clerks, and Swingers as the characters have long comic monologues filled with pop culture references and/or revolve around incidental sex and relationship humor.  Some of these monologues are long-winded and not especially funny.  Some are pointed, but too long and unpolished.  Many of them are right on the money and good for a few laughs.  While most of the actors are adept at delivering their monologues, Farley clearly saved the juiciest dialogue for himself.  He’s often very funny and his agitated delivery reminded me of Glenn Howerton from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  

The problem is that Tainted clocks in at one-hundred-and-five minutes.  There’s no real reason for it to be that long.  This could’ve been a breezy eighty-minute movie if director Brian Evans had been disciplined enough to whittle down some of the lesser monologues and endless scenes of the characters walking.  As it is, it’s not bad as far as overlong Troma releases go. 

Oh, and those sexy vampire girls on the cover are nowhere to be found in the movie itself.

HOUSE OF SHADOWS (1976) * ½

An orphan (Leonor Manso) goes looking for a lost dog and follows it to a creepy old mansion where she witnesses a murder.  As it turns out, the woman she saw has already been dead for twenty years.  She slowly becomes obsessed with her and begins to suspect she's been possessed by the dead woman’s spirit.

Most of House of Shadows is devoted to long scenes of our heroine walking around dark corridors with a flashlight as she investigates weird noises or looks for lost dogs.  If you can’t already guess, this gets tedious quickly.  The laborious, narrated flashbacks are even duller and pretty much stops the movie on a dime every time Manso delves back into the past.  

At least director Richard Wullicher delivers a fairly atmospheric opening sequence.  The climax, though predictable, also has a healthy dose of gothic doom and gloom.  Too bad everything in between is such a dreary, slow-moving, slog.  We do get a nifty scene in which a guy in a wheelchair is placed on a train track, but these murder set-pieces are too few and far between to save the movie.

Manso makes for an OK leading lady.  She certainly fares better as the present-day incarnation of the character than as her ancestral counterpart.  (She looks a bit lost in her period garb.)  Yvonne (The Munsters) De Carlo gets to chew the scenery a bit as Manso’s ward, although not as much as you’d probably expect.  John (Psycho) Gavin is also around as the boring love interest who isn’t given very much to do.