THE EQUALIZER 2 (2018) ***

The Equalizer 2 isn’t quite as good as its predecessor for two main reasons.  The first is that the conclusion, set in a deserted beachside town during a hurricane, lacks the bone-crunching, stomach-churning, revenge-fueled antics of the Home Depot massacre of the original.  Instead, Denzel Washington just kind of takes out a small squad of soldiers singlehandedly.  The other quibble is that the villain’s identity is a foregone conclusion as most viewers will figure out who he is the moment he steps on screen.  

What is not predictable is the nuance, depth, and emotion Washington and returning director Antoine Fuqua bring to the early scenes of the film.  Most sequels take the “Bigger is Better” approach.  Fuqua is more interested in the quieter, character-driven moments.  Yes, the plot is largely about Washington going after the men who murdered his best friend (Melissa Leo).  It’s also about how Washington tries to connect a Holocaust survivor (Orson Bean) with his long-lost sister.  It’s also about Washington rescuing a young inner-city artist (Ashton Sanders) from a life of crime.  He also finds time to save a young girl from her gangster father as well as beat up a roomful of scumbag yuppies for raping an intern.  Washington brings unprecedented levels of gravitas to what, in lesser hands, could’ve been a disposable (and forgettable) revenge programmer.  He gives just as much here as he did in his Oscar-nominated (and winning) roles.

The best section of the film follows his daily routine as a Lyft driver.  Some of his interactions with his customers are raw, honest, and human.  What he says (or sometimes doesn’t say) to them impacts them greatly.  Again, Denzel’s excellent performance prevents things from turning into a big-screen version of Taxicab Confessions.  His most meaningful interaction though comes when he stops Sanders from going down a violent path.  (“’Man’ is not spelled ‘G-U-N’.”)

Let’s face it, we all came to see Denzel kick ass, not impart life-changing wisdom.  We still get scenes where he times himself while beating up a gang of thugs (although not as many as I was anticipating), reconstructs crime scenes with his mind, and improvises elaborate ways for bad guys to come to an untimely end.  I just wish Fuqua had added a little extra sizzle to the finale.  If there were one or two more quality deaths in the third act, The Equalizer 2 would’ve stood shoulder to shoulder with the original.

Nevertheless, it does contain at least one scene that will go down as an all-timer in the history books.  It’s the scene where Denzel gets revenge on the rapist yuppies.  They underestimate him by assuming he’s just your typical Lyft driver and try to beat him up.  Naturally, he mops the floor with them.  He picks the most vulnerable one out of the group and tells him he’ll let him live if he turns himself into the cops… AND he has to give Denzel a positive review on Lyft!  Folks, it is my sincere hope that “I expect a 5 Star rating!” will become Denzel’s “I’ll be back”.  The way he sells the line with unflinching deadly seriousness is one of the funniest and most crowd-pleasing things I’ve seen at the movies all year.

ZAN KING OF THE JUNGLE (1972) **

Before he was in the immortal Blood Freak, Steve Hawkes starred in this cheap Tarzan rip-off as Zan.  Because of his muscular build, Hawkes seems more like Hercules than Tarzan.  Sure, he makes a Tarzan-esque yell, rides on an elephant, swings from a vine, and has a talking parrot for a pet, but he also hurls boulders, lifts heavy gates, and spends a lot of his screen time sleeping; just like Hercules.  That’s not really a criticism; merely an observation.

After Zan saves a beautiful Amazon woman from being sacrificed by a native tribe, he is shot by a poacher.  A drunk prospector nurses him back to health and Zan repays his kindness by giving him gold from a nearby grotto.  When the hunters learn he’s got gold, they kill the prospector and steal his loot.  Zan then sets out to stop the murderers and protect the prospector’s sexy daughter.

Directed by Manuel (The Swamp of the Ravens) Cano and co-written by Umberto (Cannibal Ferox) Lenzi, Zan King of the Jungle is a ho-hum Tarzan knockoff in just about every respect.  One major stumbling block is the fact that Zan kind of gets lost in his own movie.  There are just way too many supporting characters competing for screen time for Hawkes to really make an impression.  In addition to the drunken prospector, there’s a guide (who’s also a drunk) that takes on most of the romantic lead-type of duties.  Even though the heroine is hot, Hawkes seems more interested in the Amazon queen, even though their relationship is extremely platonic.  If they were trying to really capture the flavor of the old Tarzan movies, they should’ve given him a more traditional Jane type of leading lady to play against.

There is at least one memorably nutty scene worth mentioning.  It comes when Zan swims into the underwater grotto to find the gold and participates in a no holds barred cage match with a gorilla (or more precisely, a guy in a gorilla suit).  This scene is a lot of fun and is easily the best part of an otherwise forgettable jungle picture.

Cano and Hawkes later reteamed for a sequel, Tarzan and the Brown Prince. 

AKA:  Tarzan in the Golden Grotto.  AKA:  King of the Jungle.

PUSHED TO THE LIMIT (1992) **

Mimi Lesseos stars as Mimi, a spunky women’s wrestling champion.  Her cokehead brother insults a drug kingpin (Eidan Hanzai) during a drug deal and is promptly killed.  The kingpin just so happens to be the head of an illegal underground kumite fighting tournament.  Naturally, Mimi signs up to fight in order to get revenge. 

Pushed to the Limit is a below average underground fighting tournament movie in just about every way.  The shoddy production values are akin to an early Gary Daniels movie (I’m thinking specifically of American Streetfighter) and the staging of the various fight scenes are uninspired.  The choreography itself isn’t bad, but the bland way director Michael Mileham presents the brawls leaves something to be desired.

The film’s secret weapon is Mimi's energetic and vivacious screen presence.  Her effervescent performance helps elevate Pushed to the Limit from the usual low budget kickboxing dreck.  Lesseos’ earnest line readings of the corniest dialogue (which she wrote herself by the way) like "Vern, try me. I'm pushed to the limit!" is sure to leave a smile on your face.  Vern (Verrel Lester Reed, Jr.) is her manager by the way.  Reed is also likeable and plays his character like a cross between Morgan Freeman and Burgess Meredith in Rocky.  With the right director, this pair could’ve been a lot of fun to watch.  Too bad Mileham’s clunky handling of the action ultimately sinks it.

MOTORCYCLE GANG (1994) **

Showtime’s Rebel Highway series was founded upon a great idea:  Take some talented directors, give them a small budget, and let them remake an old AIP movie any way they wanted.  As promising as the concept was, the results could be uneven at times.  Motorcycle Gang, directed by John (Red Dawn) Milius was one of the weakest Rebel Highway efforts.

Gerald (Major Dad) McRaney gets a new job in California, so he, his wife (Elan Oberon), and daughter (Carla Gugino) embark on a long road trip.  They stop at a little roadside restaurant where Gugino locks eyes with a biker (Jake Busey) who leads a gang of murderous, dope-shooting motorcyclists.  Busey becomes instantly smitten, and he kidnaps Gugino and takes her down to Mexico to have his way with her.  McRaney follows in hot pursuit to rescue his daughter and get revenge on the scummy bikers. 

I know this is a low budget remake of a low budget exploitation flick, but I was expecting more from this cast and director.  Even though Motorcycle Gang is a remake of the ‘50s movie, it feels more like a retread of the biker films of the ‘60s than anything else.  McRaney, Busey, and Gugino all have their moments and make the best of their thinly written characters; yet fail to make the drama really come alive.  The clunky dialogue ("You looking for trouble, daddy-o?") doesn’t exactly help matters either.

The family drama is middling and the sections involving Gugino’s kidnapping are curiously uninvolving and free of tension.  The film is at its best early on when Busey and his gang are riding around causing havoc.  The finale, where McRaney finally takes his revenge, offers up some OK exploitation thrills too.  It’s just that it’s an awful long time coming.

Milius also directed Busey’s dad, Gary in Big Wednesday.  

WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR? (2018) *** ½

In the early ‘60s, Fred Rogers ditched the seminary for a career in public television.  It’s hard to imagine what the world would’ve been like if he went into the priesthood.  He certainly got his message of positivity to a wider audience on PBS than in any church.  As a person who was practically raised in front of a TV, some of my earliest memories of television come from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.  Because of that, I felt it was my duty to see this documentary in the theater.

Mr. Rogers’ secret was that he didn’t look down on children.  He treated them as an equal.  Even though they were small, he realized their feelings and emotions were as big as any adult’s.  This seems simple and obvious now, but in the ‘60s, it was something of a radical approach.

He also tackled important, often painful subjects in a frank way.  Bobby Kennedy’s recent assassination was dealt with in a truthful and straightforward manner that young and old could understand and appreciate.  The amazing thing is that the messages from his earliest shows are still relevant today, over fifty years later.  (King Friday wants to build a wall.)  

We also see Rogers singlehandedly saving public television as we know it.  In the late ‘60s, Nixon wanted to drastically slash public television’s budget.  Rogers’ impassioned plea was so moving that the curmudgeonly senators all but place the money in his hands.  That just goes to show what a positive effect the man had on not just kids, but adults too.

The film acknowledges the fact that Rogers more or less became an old stick in the mud in his later years.  That probably had more to do with the way the world had grown more cynical to his teachings over time.  However, his influence left a mark on generations to come and won’t be forgotten any time soon. 

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 3: SUMMER VACATION (2018) ***

It’s not as consistently amusing or as clever as the second film in the franchise, but Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation remains fun, lightweight entertainment.  My daughter, who is obsessed with monsters, said it was in her top five films of all time.  Because of that simple fact, it’s hard to be too critical of it.

Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation is just like the other films in the series, except on a boat.  It plays like a flip-flop of the original.  This time out, Dracula (the voice of Adam Sandler) is the one hiding a potential relationship with a human from his family.  The object of his affection:  A chipper cruise director (the voice of Kathryn Hahn) who just so happens to be a descendent of Dracula’s arch-nemesis, Van Helsing.

Some of the gags fall flat, but there are a couple of sequences that will leave you laughing.  I loved all the stuff with Blobby and his newfound son (and eventual dog).  The scene with the gremlins is the comedic highpoint though.  Although these guys don’t get a whole lot of screen time, they up and steal the movie.  I sincerely hope they get their own spin-off in the near future.

The stuff with Dracula and his daughter (the voice of Selena Gomez) is basically recycled material from previous entries.  I also wish Drac’s buddies like Frankenstein (the voice of Kevin James), The Wolf Man (the voice of Steve Buscemi), The Invisible Man (the voice of David Spade), and The Mummy (the voice of Keegan-Michael Key) had more to do.  That said, there’s enough chuckles here to keep your interest.  If you’re a monster-obsessed kid, you’ll probably add an extra star to the *** rating.

MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1996) *

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders almost feels like a pilot for an unsold TV show.  If that was indeed the intention, it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up, what with its limited production vales and amateurish acting.  It contains two tales slapped together in such an incoherent way that it plays like two completely different episodes strung together.  

Merlin the wizard (George Milan) opens a store (that has trolls lurking nonchalantly in the background) in the big city.  One day, his shop is visited by Jonathan Cooper (John Terrence), a guy who reviews stores.  (If this whole movie reviewing thing goes belly up, maybe I can give reviewing stores a try.  Then again, this was made in the days before Yelp, which is pretty much the same thing.)  Cooper doesn’t believe Merlin is the real McCoy, so the wizard gives him his spell book.  Copper takes the book home and tries some spells.  Before long, he’s barbecuing his cat with magical fire breath.  As we all know, the more of Merlin’s magic you use, the older you get.  The fact that Cooper has an infertile wife helps tip-off the obvious and dumb conclusion. 

The second story is just an edited version of The Devil’s Gift.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically the Stephen King story, The Monkey done with a meager budget.  Since Merlin director Kenneth J. Merton also directed The Devil’s Gift, its inclusion here seems even more desperate.  The fact that The Devil’s Gift was made in 1984 is painfully obvious as the footage doesn’t match the insert shots of Merlin tracking the monkey down.  The Devil’s Gift was fucking awful to begin with and having it tacked on in such a clumsy manner adds to the overall pain levels.

Oh, and did I mention the whole thing is narrated by Ernest Borgnine?