HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M3: CLONED (2010) ** ½

Ted V. Mikels’ Astro-Zombies is a film that plays better in your mind than it does on screen.  It contains moments of sheer nuttiness that will stay with you to your dying day.  However, actually sitting and watching those scenes in their proper context can be a demanding chore.  Conversely, Mikels’ sequel, Mark of the Astro Zombies is a movie I remember really enjoying when I saw it years ago, but I’ll be damned if I can remember anything about it now.  Lucky for me, Mikels gives us a quick recap of the first two pictures before the opening credits of Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned. 

A general (Mikels) demands the “Astro-Man Project” be reinstated.  He wants to use their DNA to clone soldiers for the military.  Their top scientist (Donna Hamblin) works hard to meet her impossible deadline, but when her superiors sabotage the experiment, the desert is soon crawling with machete-wielding Astro-Zombies.

Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned looks like your typical newfangled shot-on-video production with its cheap sets (the Area 51 briefing room has a whiteboard with “Area 51” written on it in black marker), bad acting. and obvious gore effects.  Since Mikels has been making movies for nearly fifty years, it comes off looking more polished than a film by your average Joe with a camcorder.  Some of the amateurish acting is amusing, but there are times where it’s rough going, especially during some of the domestic scenes.   Like the original, the long dialogue scenes bogs things down and get in the way of the fun.  (There are a lot of military briefings.)

What makes Astro-Zombies:  M3:  Cloned (I’m not sure why it’s called “M3” and not just “3”, but oh well) awesome is that Mikels is creating his own Marvel Cinematic Universe here.  Call it, the Mikels Cinematic Universe.  When a woman feeds her cat, it’s not just any old generic cat food.  It’s Lotus Cat food from The Corpse Grinders!  Not only that, but when the Astro-Zombies get unruly, the government calls on none other than Francine York and The Doll Squad!  (There’s also a scene where the Astro-Zombies attack a movie theater playing Mikels’ 10 Violent Women.)

The performances are all over the place, but there are a few noteworthy names here.  I already mentioned Mikels acts in this, but did you know he plays a dual role as identical twins?  I have to admit, it’s pretty funny seeing him flub lines he wrote for himself.  It was also good to see Tura Satana briefly (in her final film appearance).  I just wish it wasn’t in the form of a hologram.  (At least they did the whole hologram thing for Tura before they used it for Tupac.)  The best performance of the movie comes courtesy of Sara Dunn, who plays the buxom, sexy Queen Amazon.  Unfortunately, she spends most of her screen time tied up.

There was no reason this needed to be 103 minutes long.  Even at 83 minutes it would’ve been a little flabby.  The second act is dull and talky.  I’m sure Mikels could’ve cut a good half-hour out and no one would’ve noticed.  However, once the Astro-Zombies start laying into people with machetes it’s damned good times.  The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad finale is also a lot of fun. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why Mikels just didn’t go ahead and call it The Astro-Zombies vs. The Doll Squad to begin with. 

It’s a shame Mikels recently passed away.  Now that the Mikels Cinematic Universe is a thing, I would’ve loved seeing more crossover pictures featuring characters from his earlier films.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see The Girl in Gold Boots vs. The Corpse Grinders?

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CHANGER (1993) ** ½

(Halloween may be over, but I'm going to keep the horror reviews coming at a semi-regular pace throughout November with a little column called Halloween Hangover.  Enjoy!) 

Joe (Carl Zschering) is a nose-picking, dogfood-eating loser who gets frustrated when young high school girls won’t give him the time of day.  One day, he meets a homeless wino (Horace Grimm) who gives him a mystical incantation to change himself into a young girl in exchange for a sip of booze.  Once he’s transformed, Joe enrolls himself in a nearby high school and sets out to stalk and kill a clique of teenage girls.

Like Memoirs of an Invisible Man, we mostly see Joe as his “normal” self, and (for a while anyway) it’s quite funny seeing this aging perv hanging out with goodie two-shoes high school girls and trying to blend in.  Other times, we see the girl he’s become, “Jo” (Ann Flood) when he looks at himself in mirrors or for a handful of random shots.  These scenes are better than most body-swapping comedies of the ‘80s.  (The montage of Joe trying to fit in at school set to the toe-tapping tune “Schoolin’” is rather hilarious.)

Unfortunately, The Changer isn’t nearly as successful when it turns into a full-on horror movie.  It’s here where Joe uses his good looks to lure, rape, kill, and partially eat his victims.  Near the end, he also begins to see visions of his victims who appear to him and say shit like, “Was it good for you?”

Despite being a tad clunky in the second half, the twist ending is decent enough.  The short running time (76 minutes) certainly keeps things moving along at a steady clip, and the pacing is fairly brisk.  Overall, The Changer may be an uneven experience, but there’s an endearing goofiness to the whole enterprise that makes it memorable.

AKA:  The Nostril Picker.

ONE DARK NIGHT (1983) * ½

A psychic kills a bunch of women using “bio-energy” and then dies mysteriously.  His body is interred in a mausoleum where a girl gang initiation is taking place.  While Meg Tilly spends the night in the mausoleum to prove her worth to her “sisterhood”, the psychic revives himself and begins to wreak havoc on the girls.

Directed by Tom McLoughlin, One Dark Night suffers from an extremely longwinded set-up.  Not only do you have to wait around while the girls make their way to the mausoleum, you also have to deal with the marital shit involving Adam West and his wife arguing constantly.  Even when Tilly finally gets to tomb, it’s still a slog as the film is heavily padded with lots of long scenes of Tilly walking down the halls of the mausoleum.  

In fact, it takes over an hour for anything remotely supernatural to occur.  Once it finally does, it’s nothing to write home about.  The initial scenes of the dead rising from their interment is cool, but once they’re finally out, all they do is float around in the air and… dogpile their victims?  

I like Tilly as much as anyone, but most of the film is devoted to her hanging around the mausoleum waiting for something to happen.  Unfortunately, so does the audience.  Even the solid supporting cast is basically wasted.  I mean what can you say about a movie that casts Adam West and Elizabeth Daily and then gives them absolutely nothing to do?

Lucky for us, McLoughlin got much better with Friday the 13^th Part 6:  Jason Lives. 

AKA:  Entity Force.  AKA:  Mausoleum.  AKA:  Dark Night.  AKA:  Night of Darkness.  

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) ***

Super Dark Times takes us back to the ‘90s.  It was a time in the days before the internet where teenage boys had to settle for watching scrambled Playboy Channel signals on cable instead of XXX porn on their phone.  It was also a time where you could ride your bikes with your friends while arguing about Marvel characters and daring each other to eat weird gas station food, all without parent supervision. 

It’s a coming of age story, but it’s also a suspenseful morality tale.  It’s about how teenage boys can act like stupid children, and simple tomfoolery can turn deadly in an instant.  It’s about accidentally doing a heinous act, and how the fear of being caught can lead you down an even darker road. 

When you’re that age everything little act is magnified, and your emotions are amplified because of your hormones and your uncertainty of how the world really works.  Super Dark Times captures that feeling expertly.  It exists in the middle ground between John Hughes, Stephen King, and the Coen brothers, but has a unique view all its own.

I’ve been deliberately vague about the plot description.  It’s better to go in cold without any expectations.  Having said that, I think it probably runs on a tad too long.  I know the filmmakers want to let the characters stew in their own guilt before being propelled down a darker path, but I think the third act could’ve been streamlined a bit more.  It’s also less successful when it skirts with out-and-out horror, like during the dream sequences.  Still, there are enough powerful moments to ensure that Super Dark Times will stay with you.

The young performers are all excellent.  Owen Campbell does a fine job as the guilt-ridden Zach and Charlie Tahan (who sort of resembles Andrew Garfield) is a lot of fun to watch as the unbalanced Josh.  Tahan also gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I’m not going to die. I’m immortal. Like Highlander.” 

THE SORCERERS (1967) ***

Boris Karloff stars as a hypnotist, who along with his wife Catherine Lacey devise a method to telepathically control their subjects and force them to obey their will.  They dupe poor Ian Ogilvy into signing up for their experiment, which proves to be an immediate success.  There is one side effect:  The couple experiences all the sensations Ogilvy feels during his hypnosis.  After making Ogilvy steal an expensive fur coat, Lacey becomes addicted to the thrill of committing crimes.  She eventually overtakes her husband and uses the powerless Ogilvy to commit murder.

The Sorcerers was made in the late ‘60s so there’s a lot of trippy, psychedelic stuff in there.  During the experiment, Karloff’s machine emits garish strobe lights and projects tie-dyed colored lights on Ogilvy’s face.  There’s also a couple of mod musical numbers in a nightclub that helps to pad the running time out a bit.  These are the only dated bits in the film, which starts off as marginally silly, but becomes more engrossing and disturbing as it goes along.

Director Michael Reeves is low key in his approach.  The horror comes out of the corruption of the elderly couple as they push Ogilvy to commit more and more criminal acts.  There’s also the horror Karloff experiences as he witnesses the moral deterioration of his wife firsthand.  Then of course there’s Ogilvy’s horror at not being in control of his own actions, as Lacey forces to murder his friends.  Reeves deserves credit for stretching out such a thin premise and turning it into an absorbing battle of wills.  

The ‘60s was such a volatile time that you can almost see The Sorcerers as a parable for the era.  Since the generation gap was getting larger and larger at that time, you can view Karloff and Lacey as the older generation trying control the younger generation.  By contrast, you can also look at it as the younger generation being constantly overpowered and forced on a course of action their elders have already put in place for them.

Sure, this might’ve worked better as a forty-five-minute tale in a horror anthology.  It’s the power of the three lead performers, coupled with the skill of Reeves that keeps you so invested.  It’s a testament to Reeves’ directing chops (not to mention Karloff’s acting ability) that he can pass off close-ups of people concentrating as his finale and still make it suspenseful.  It’s a shame Reeves died so young because he certainly showed a lot of promise.  His next film, the iconic The Conqueror Worm, proved to be his last.

WACKO (1982) ** ½

A killer wearing a pumpkin on his head murders people with a lawn mower.  Thirteen years later, on Halloween (and prom night), people start dying again.  Naturally, he has his mower set to kill his first victim’s sibling (Julia Duffy), who of course had decided to pick prom night (and Halloween) to lose her virginity. 

Wacko, like Pandemonium and the other ‘80s slasher spoofs set in the Airplane! mold, is extremely spotty, but when it hits, it’s good for a couple of stupid chuckles.  Director Greydon Clark isn’t exactly known for his comedic prowess (as anyone who’s ever seen Angels Revenge can attest).  His main strength is action, which comes in handy during the not-bad crash and burn chase scene involving a couple of Drivers Ed cars.

There are sight gags about The Omen and Psycho, and even one particularly odd spoof of Alien.  I think my favorite bit was the fact that it took place at “Hitchcock High” and the school song is “Funeral March of a Marionette”.  Not all the jokes land (like Dr. Moreau turning the football team into werewolves), but there is a likeable goofiness about the whole thing that helps keep you involved.  

Some of the better moments are akin to what we saw in Pandemonium.  There’s a funny subtitle that calls out the filmmakers’ use of a tired cliché.  (In this case, an unnecessary dream sequence that prompts the audience to “go out and get some refreshments”.)  As with Pandemonium, it features a scene where characters inexplicably fly through the air after an explosion.  And like Pandemonium, it features a future star of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure in a supporting role.  (In this case, Elizabeth Daily.)

Speaking of the cast, Duffy does a fine job as the Final Girl of the piece.  We also have George Kennedy (doing a virtual dry run for his appearances in the Naked Gun movies) as Duffy’s pervert father.  The biggest surprise is seeing a young Andrew “Dice” Clay when his act was still in its formative stages.  He adopts a Travolta-esque persona and has a funny moment when he “gets hooked on pea soup” and his heads spins around like in The Exorcist.  Joe Don Baker also gets to chew the scenery as the drunk slob detective on the case (he’s essentially still playing Mitchell).  However, the sight of Joe Don Baker in drag being whipped by a dominatrix dressed in leather isn’t funny. In fact, it’s one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen in some time.

Some of the jokes are good for a laugh (like Kennedy’s address to the audience before the closing credits).  Some are just plain stupid (like the talking elephant).  Overall, Wacko is a fun, if extremely uneven slasher spoof.

Baker also starred in Clark’s Final Justice the following year. 

AKA:  Wacko Weekend.  AKA:  Crazy Doctor in Love.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: VICTOR CROWLEY (2018) ** ½

(Note:  This is actually the 32^nd Movie of Horror-Ween, but I had a little extra time on my hands this month, so consider this one a bonus.)

Victor Crowley is the fourth film in the uneven Hatchet series.  It was made in secret by director Adam (Hatchet 1 and 2) Green and sprung upon an unsuspecting world.  (Kind of like the new Blair Witch movie.)  It’s a step up in quality from the last two entries in the series, but still isn’t quite up to snuff with the original.

The opening sequence, set in the ‘60s, is my favorite part.  Part of the reason is because it features Jonah Ray from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Kelly Vrooman from The Sunny Side Up Show.  They have a good vibe together and it’s a shame they’re totally dismembered before the opening credits roll.

Well, it’s ten years after the Victor Crowley murders.  Andrew (Parry Shen), the paramedic who survived the ordeal, has written a tell-all book on the subject.  As he makes the talk show rounds, people make it abundantly clear they think he’s the real murderer.  While on his way to revisit the scene of the crime for a true crime show, the plane crashes into the swamp.  Meanwhile, a group of filmmakers trying to make a movie about the murders, happen by the plane crash and offer assistance.  Naturally, Crowley (Kane Hodder) is prowling around the swamp with his trusty hatchet in hand waiting to turn everyone into chopped liver.

There’s more comedy this time out, and much of it is successful; something that can’t be said for the other entries in the series.  (I liked the constant interruptions by the captain on the PA system during the flight.)  Felissa Rose steals a handful of scenes as a mouthy publicist and Dave Sheridan is on hand to do impressions and act as a likeable goofball as the tour guide/aspiring actor.  Shen also gets to show off his comedic chops, especially in the scene where he is forced to sit in on what has to be the most awkward book signing in history.  

Speaking of chops, the gore is solid this time out.  There’s plenty of eye gouging, decapitation, face-hammering, scalping, and head stomping to go around.  The best bit is a nod to Cannibal Holocaust but updated for the smartphone era.

Despite doing a better job at combining the gore with the comedy than in any of the other sequels, Green never really finds a way to tie it all together.  It’s not bad or anything, but the movie often feels slight and unnecessary.  There’s really nothing here that builds upon the established lore of the character, which is odd because it’s called Victor Crowley.  Because of that, I was expecting it to at least focus on him a little more instead of keeping him in the shadows for most of the film.  Maybe I wouldn’t have felt this way if they had just called it Hatchet 4.

AKA:  Hatchet:  Victor Crowley.

(There might be a few more reviews on tap before Halloween comes to a close tomorrow, but if for whatever reason I don’t post any, fear not:  I’ll continue the horror-movie-watching project throughout November with a little feature I call “Halloween Hangover”.)