THE MAN FROM S.E.X. (1979) ** ½

Gareth Hunt takes over for Nicky Henson as secret agent Charles Bind, “Number One” in this sequel to Her Majesty’s Top Gun.  This time out, Number One must stop a corrupt Senator (Gary Hope) from replacing the Vice President with an evil double.  He also contends with the Senator’s ruthless henchman, Jensen Fury (Nick Tate), who’s just itching to prove he’s a quicker draw than Number One.

It’s always fun when someone from the legitimate James Bond series appear in these campy 007 knockoffs.  In this case, it’s Geoffrey Keen playing the M role.  There are lots of Bond tropes that are lovingly sent up.  We have a Q-like inventor named Merlin, a sexy love interest with a double entendre for a name (“Carlotta Muff”), karate fights, oddball henchmen, cool gadgets (including a flying car), and a Bond-style opening credits sequence.  (The song itself doesn’t sound like it would belong in a Bond movie, but it’s quite rocking.) 

As far as Bond spoofs go, you can do much worse.  Although, it’s not exactly a spoof, but rather another version of a Bond movie done on a smaller budget, with more desperate puns, weirder gadgets, and a few topless scenes.  Some of the highlights include a car equipped with a buzz saw, exploding women, and flamethrower lighters.  The best scene is when a stripper with razor blades fastened to her tassels begins twirling them so fast that they become deadly buzz saws.  Number One protects himself by holding up a wooden table and she literally turns it into a toothpick!  To which he quips, “You wouldn’t happen to have an olive?” 

She replies, “No but I have a pair!”

Genius. 

The movie really fires on all cylinders during the first act, but the fun slowly dries up as it goes along.  I guess you can say that about many legitimate Bond pictures though.  The third act is weak too, which is probably the only thing preventing it from receiving a *** rating.  The good news is it’s funnier and more effective than Her Majesty’s Top Gun. 

AKA:  Licensed to Love and Kill.  AKA:  Undercover Lover.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: MANDY (2018) ***

You know Nicolas Cage is going to be awesome in Mandy when his first line of dialogue is a knock-knock joke about Erik Estrada.  He also casually name drops Marvel characters into his pillow talk with his wife (Andrea Riseborough).  He’s kind of broody for most of the movie, but once director Panos (Beyond the Black Rainbow) Cosmatos finally lets Cage off his leash (or out of his cage, if you prefer) he’s often amazing.  No one can say a simple line like, “You ripped my shirt” and make it sound like a wounded, emotionally-unraveled battle cry.  If you think he’s wacko then, wait till you see him high on zombie mescaline.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Cage is a lumberjack named Red Miller who adores his wife Mandy (Riseborough).  A cult of religious fanatics sends a gruesome mutant biker gang to kidnap and kill her.  They leave Red for dead, but he returns to avenge his loved one armed with a freshly forged battle axe and a case of pure CAGE RAGE.

Imagine if Clive Barker did a biker movie and that might give you an idea what to expect.  (Hellraiser’s Angels on Wheels?)  Cosmatos’ style is visually dazzling.  He often fills the frame with eye-popping colorful imagery and lots of lens flares, which make the film look like the love child of Dario Argento and Steven Spielberg.  In addition, there’s a kitchen sink approach that makes it unique.  Cosmatos uses everything from anime-style animation to goofy faux ‘80s commercials and what only can be labeled as Heavy Metal Album Imagery to keep us on our toes.  

Honestly, there was no reason whatsoever for this to be two hours long.  Some of Cosmatos’ tangents are less successful than others.  The deliberate pacing also helps to take some of the wind out of the movie’s sails, particularly in the second act.

For all its faults, there’s still nothing quite like Mandy.  It may be uneven, but when it cooks, it’s with an open flame.  Besides, any movie that features Nicolas Cage locked in a chainsaw duel to the death is OK by me.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DON’T KILL IT (2017) ** ½

Don’t Kill It is what happens when you let the director of The Convent, Mike Mendez direct a Dolph Lundgren DTV action movie.  That is to say, it’s a pretty junky, but sort of fun action-horror hybrid.  Mendez was also able to convince Dolph to give one of his most spry performances in a while, for which we should all be grateful.

A hunter finds a golden artifact in the woods and becomes possessed by a demon.  He then goes on a killing spree in his small town.  Every time the host body is killed, the demon hops into the person who killed it.  Hence the title, Don’t Kill It.  Dolph is the demon hunter who wants to trap the spirit permanently before it wipes out the entire town.

The plot is an awful lot like another Lundgren flick, The Minion.  At least this one has a sense of style, a handful of memorable moments, and some gory set pieces.  Mendez has a Raimi-esque way of filming the demon carnage.  He handles all the shotgun blasts, meat cleavers to the face, and heads shoved into boiling water with aplomb.  I also liked the way he edited in the little snippets of Lundgren’s past experiences as a demon hunter, which helps to jazz up what would’ve otherwise been a thoroughly ordinary exposition scene.

The centerpiece is the sequence when a possessed guy starts laying into people with an ax during a town meeting.  This scene is a lot of fun and features some over the top gore.  Not only does the demon change bodies, it changes weapons as the killers use axes, guns, chainsaws, and even a milk truck to take out their victims.

After a crackling start, Don’t Kill It begins to spark and sputter as it enters the second half.  The scenes of Dolph teaming up with an FBI agent to track down the demon are sort of rote.  The movie also gets a little repetitive as the plot keeps finding new ways of having stupid people interrupt Dolph by killing the demon and allowing it to enter their body.  The last act is also kind of weak, especially when you compare it to the stellar town hall sequence from earlier in the film.  

Dolph is quite good.  He’s looser, and more relaxed than usual, and can rattle off demonic exposition in an offhand, funny manner.  He gets a funny introduction scene where he beats up a guy in a bar and then buys him some ice cream.  There’s another memorable bit where the cops think he’s crazy and try to pull him out of the room, but he’s too big and strong to budge.  This is one of his best performances in a long time.  

I can’t say Don’t Kill It ever quite clicks.  I can say it’s just good enough to make me want to see another Mendez/Lundgren team-up.  I just hope the next time the script is a bit tighter.

AKA:  Dolph Lundgren:  Zombie Hunter.  AKA:  The Demon Hunter.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: GET OUT (2017) ** ½

I’ve heard so much about Jordan Peele’s Get Out for over a year now that I finally had to get off my ass and watch it.  Maybe I should’ve seen it when it first came out because it left me kind of cold.  After months of non-stop hype, huge box office numbers, and even Oscar nominations (and one win for Best Screenplay!?!?!), I guess I was expecting… more?

Allison Williams brings her African-American boyfriend Daniel Kaluuya to meet her parents (Bradley Whitford and Catherine Keener).  After they get all the awkwardness out of the way, Kaluuya still feels out of place, especially when he notices that the only other black people around (the maid and the groundskeeper) act a little off.  Eventually, he comes to realize there is something sinister going on and that Williams’ family have plans for him.  

The horror elements are more subdued and subtler than I expected.  Peele instead goes for more of a paranoiac slow burn.  It’s also more of a social statement than full-blown horror movie, which left this die-hard horror fan a tad disappointed.  The horror elements don’t really take off until the last reel, which is admittedly gripping.  It’s just that by then it’s too little, too late.  Because of that, I think Get Out might’ve worked better as a short or as part of a horror anthology.  Heck, it would’ve played like gangbusters at 80 minutes, but at 104 minutes, it just a long way to go to get to the good stuff.

Peele won an Oscar for Best Screenplay, but that’s more confounding than anything as there’s nothing here that really seems all that Oscar worthy.  Especially when it’s essentially just a modernized version of The Stepford Wives.  There’s also nothing particularly scary about it either, unless you count the uncomfortable scenes of our hero interacting with his girlfriend’s family as “scary”.

The performers really carry the movie, even when it’s dragging its feet during the middle section.  Kayuula has a strong screen presence and has a lot of chemistry with Williams.  Whitford and Keener are excellent as they pretty much steal the whole show as the nutzo parents.  

Peele is currently producing a new redo of The Twilight Zone.  I think he’s perfectly suited to the job as he has a keen knack for springing last-minute plot twists.  With the tighter time frame of a television show, I think he’s capable of delivering something memorable.  With Get Out, it’s just dawdles way too much until it gets to its well-executed finale.

PEP SQUAD (1999) **

Pep Squad is similar in many ways to Jawbreaker and Heathers as they are all about teenagers resorting to kidnapping and murder to achieve popularity in high school.  The first and third acts work the best as the various sociopathic and psychopathic girls vie for the title of prom queen by murdering the competition.  The second act, which revolves around some of the teens kidnapping the child-molesting principal isn’t nearly as clever or funny.  Not only does it bog the middle portion of the movie down, it seems like it’s a part of an entirely different film altogether.

Pep Squad works mostly as a showcase for Brooke Balderston who plays Cherry, the fiery redheaded killer who literally throws people under the bus in order to be prom queen.  She’s really the only actress that captures the tone that writer/director Steve Balderston (her brother) is going for.  Her campy, over-the-top performance is easily the best thing about the film, and it only really comes to life whenever she is front and center chewing the scenery and taking out the competition.

Most of the humor is sloppy and uneven, but there is some funny stuff here.  The more random moments work the best (like when the cheerleaders do a cheer to an El Camino).  Unfortunately, there are just too many jokes that land with a thud to consider Pep Squad a winner.  

Balderston’s style is sort of reminiscent of Mike Mendez, as he plays up the violence in a campy, cartoonish, and outlandish way.   It was filmed in 1998, a year before Columbine, so I don’t know how the scenes of characters nonchalantly engaging in drive-by shootings and mass murder at the school will play for some viewers.  Some may find them incredibly tone-deaf, especially when school shootings seem to be the norm nowadays.  Maybe Balderston was trying to tell us something and we were just too stupid to listen.  

AKA:  I’ve Been Watching You 2:  Prom Night.

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (2018) *** ½

Bryan (X-Men) Singer’s Bohemian Rhapsody is an unabashed celebration of Queen, their music, and their legacy.  Fans will undoubtedly enjoy it as a trip down memory lane, as a feast for the eyes and ears, and a dynamic showcase for its star, Rami Malik.  Singer famously got fired before movie was still filming and Dexter (Eddie the Eagle) Fletcher was brought in to finish it.  Whatever the drama behind the scenes was, the finished product is rather seamless.

The weakest aspects of the film are the scenes that fall into your typical biopic trappings.  The family drama with Freddie Mercury (Malik) seeking his father’s approval don’t really add dimension to his character and the scenes of the band’s meteoric rise curiously lack sizzle.  These scenes just feel like the screenwriter is checking off clichés for the standard biopic formula.  In the movie’s defense (and in Freddie’s defense too), he states he only really feels alive when he’s performing.  So, if some of the dramatics in between the showstopping numbers seem rote, then the movie comes by it honestly.  

If you wanted Bohemian Rhapsody to delve deep into Freddie’s personal life, you might be a tad letdown.  Some have accused the filmmakers of skirting around Mercury’s homosexuality, but what I found interesting is that it only deals with his sexuality head-on when he himself begins to deal with it (which is when the film is almost over).  If it seems the movie is brushing aside his sexuality, it’s only because he is brushing it aside also.  The remarkable thing is, once he fully embraces himself for who he is, the picture really takes off.  The Live Aid finale is particularly rousing and it’s one of the best sequences you’ll see all year.

Malik is magnetic, and his performance keeps you enthralled over whatever narrative hiccups occur.  The other band members are well cast too.  Surprising, they aren’t pushed to the background in favor of giving Mercury more screen time.  This is a movie about Queen after all, and like the scenes where they squabble over who gets whose song on the album, they step up and vie for their well-earned screen time.  

One thing that I just have to mention is that the film completely skips over the fact that Queen did the soundtrack to Flash Gordon.  I mean how can you make a Queen movie and have nary a mention of Flash Gordon?  They even go so far to play “Who Wants to Live Forever”, the song from Highlander, but not “Flash”?  What the hell?  Half-Star deduction for that bullshit.

THE GRINCH (2018) ** ½

I was brought up on Dr. Seuss books and Universal horror movies, so naturally, watching Chuck Jones’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas starring Boris Karloff is one of my favorite Christmas traditions.  In my book, you just can’t beat the combination of Boris Karloff and Dr. Seuss.  Eighteen years ago, Jim Carrey and Ron Howard tried, and what they came up with was an affront to everything I hold sacred about The Grinch.  That thing has got to be one of the ugliest, most garish, borderline unwatchable movies ever made.  

Because of that, I was extremely skeptical going into Illumination’s remake of The Grinch.  Even though I loved their version of The Lorax (my personal favorite Seuss book), I was still kind of dreading seeing this.  I had almost made up my mind to hate it on general principle.  In fact, I had a whole song planned out for my review set to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” called, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Mitch”.

I’m not going to lie, from the outset, it looked like that was the review I was going to write.  I mean, first of all, Pharrell Williams is the narrator.  I mean, what?  How can you go from Boris Karloff, one of the greatest screen voices of all time, to this guy?  His narration sounds way too “happy” (see what I did there?) and the rapping of Seuss’ lyrics would probably have the good doctor rolling in his grave.  

Once the film got rolling, a funny thing happened.  I, just like the Grinch got caught up in the spirit of the season.  I don’t think my heart grew three sizes or anything, but it certainly was warmer leaving the theater than it was going in. 

I already knew Benedict Cumberbatch wasn’t going to top Karloff’s version of the Grinch, but he does what he can to make it his own.  I think I finally got onboard with his characterization during the hilarious sequence where he’s dogged throughout the streets of Whoville by persistent Christmas carolers hellbent on spreading holiday cheer.  He has more interactions with his dog Max, which actually softens some of his edges, but once he gets to the big “I must keep Christmas from coming” speech, I had to acquiesce and admit he’s a perfectly fine Grinch.

The big centerpiece where the Grinch steals Christmas is rather inventive.  I liked that he used Ninja skills and James Bond gadgets to steal trees, presents, and decorations from the unsuspecting Whos.  This sequence does feel sort of rushed though, which is odd when you consider there’s a bunch of subplots here that aren’t featured in the original book or show.  Like The Lorax, these subplots have been added to pad out the running time to feature length.  Some of them work (like the Grinch’s run-ins with his overly cheery neighbor) better than others (like the needless stuff about Cindy Lou Who’s harried single mother), but it’s never at the expense of the core tale.  

Like the title character, the movie is rough around the edges, but its heart is in the right place, and I think in the end, that’s what really counts.  There are enough laughs, oddball asides, and generous helpings of genuine heart here to make it all work.  I can’t say this version will become a yuletide tradition in my household like the original.  What I can say is it should please most family moviegoers this holiday season.