BLACK AND WHITE (1999) ***

Rory Cochrane is a rookie cop who gets paired with a sexy, tough, and experienced veteran patrolwoman played by Gina Gershon.  Despite her outwardly spunky demeanor lies a dark side.  When her former collars begin turning up dead, many in the department begin to suspect Gershon is the murderer.  Eventually, Cochrane becomes suspicious too and begins keeping a closer eye on his partner.

Black and White is an offbeat melding of serial killer thriller and police procedural that coasts on Gershon’s intense performance.  Whether talking smack to a gunman or bossing around the innocent Cochrane, she commands the screen with a fiery gusto that is truly winning.  She also looks sexy as hell while dressed undercover as a prostitute but looks just as great while in her cop uniform.

Speaking of her uniform, the best scene comes during Cochrane’s first day on the job.  Gershon and Cochrane take off their clothes to see what they look like naked so there will be no sexual tension between them.  Unfortunately, they never show Gershon naked, which makes the sexual tension almost insurmountable for the audience throughout the film.

Cochrane is good as the green rookie who’s in way over his head.  The scenes of him confessing to his priest (Barry Primus) aren’t quite as good as when he’s investigating his partner, but he does a fine job regardless.  The rest of the supporting cast is strong.  It’s funny hearing Clint Eastwood’s daughter Alison Eastwood namedropping Dirty Harry into casual conversation.  Ron Silver is probably having the most fun as the wily Internal Affairs agent out to get Gershon.  Skinamax legend Nikki Fritz also pops up as a stripper.

Black and White is a solid little thriller that has somehow slipped through the cracks.  I remember seeing it when it first premiered on cable and it still holds up twenty years later.  If you’re a fan of Gershon, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.

A rookie cop gets the best line of the movie when he says, “You know what they say about broads in uniforms.  They’re either nymphos, lesbos, or psychos!”

PREMIUM RUSH (2012) ***

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a bike messenger who has to deliver an important envelope in an hour and a half.  Before he is even on the road, he’s harassed by a wild-eyed cop (Michael Shannon) who wants the envelope for himself.  He chases him through the city in hot pursuit and JGL has to weave in and out of traffic in order to stay one step ahead of him.

The previews made this look like absolute crap.  I shouldn’t have worried because after all, it’s a David Koepp flick.  Koepp takes what in lesser hands could’ve been a corny and forgettable thriller.  He’s able to crank up the tension right from the get-go and pulls you in with the simple, but effective set-up.  The coolest parts are the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style sequences when Gordon-Levitt goes through an intersection and in a split-second decides which path to take.  Most end with him dying in horrible ways, but he’s always able to find a way through the congestion unscathed.  I also dug the Pac-Man like graphics of his progress across the city.  

The performances are great.  Gordon-Levitt makes for a solidly likeable leading man.  He’s brash and confident without being arrogant and/or an asshole.  The movie really belongs to Shannon though.  His out of control antics are a lot of fun to watch.  I especially liked his backstory where he goes from mahjongg den to mahjongg den getting deeper and deeper into debt along the way.  

Clocking in at a brisk ninety minutes, the film practically plays out in real time (with the exception of the flashbacks).  Koepp keeps things moving along at a steady clip and delivers a handful of crisp, exciting sequences.  I can’t say the second half is as successful as the bristling first half, but Premium Rush remains thoroughly entertaining throughout.

EIGHTH GRADE (2018) ** ½

Kayla (Elsie Fisher) is a shy introvert who spends most of her free time making YouTube videos and taking selfies using Instagram filters.  When she’s voted “Most Quiet” by her peers, Kayla spends her last week of eighth grade opening herself up to new experiences.  She goes to a popular girl’s pool party and even gets to hang out with some older high school kids, with predictable results.

Eighth Grade depicts a coming of age story for a generation far removed from mine.  I mean the social outcasts still have to worry about being excluded by the bitchy popular students, but at least these kids don’t have to make eye contact with them because they’re always on their goddamned phones.  I guess it’s because he’s closer to my age, but I wound up empathizing more with the dad, played by Josh Hamilton.  His scenes with Fisher are appropriately awkward and ring the truest.

Fisher gives a solid, natural performance.  So natural, that at times she kind of gets on your nerves.  I mean if you take a shot every time she says the word “like” during her YouTube videos, you’ll probably die from alcohol poisoning long before the credits roll.  Her performance isn’t quite enough to save the movie from its overly familiar trappings, but it should prove to be a good showcase for her talents for many years to come. 

One thing I pretty much couldn’t stand was the awful score.  It just seems like pure noise and rarely (if ever) fits the scene it’s supposed to accompany.  It’s probably the worst score since It Follows, which is really saying something.

IF YOU DON’T STOP IT… YOU’LL GO BLIND!!! (1975) **

If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!! is little more than a collection of vignettes of old dirty jokes that have been staged and reenacted with actors.  They were then strung together until the filmmakers got it to a feature length and then released to an indifferent public.  Some sequences feel like something out of a vaudeville act.  Others look like a Playboy cartoon come to life.  None of them are particularly funny.

Most of the jokes are fairly obvious.  If you’re a connoisseur of bad jokes (like I am), you’ll probably be able to spot where they’re heading as soon as you hear the set-up.  Heck, some of these jokes were old long before 1975.  

I do admire directors Keefe Brasselle and Bob Levy’s determination to see all of this through to the bitter end.  It’s like no matter how bad the joke is, they commit to it 100%.  I could’ve done without the lame musical numbers (one is set in a whorehouse) that are really only there to help pad out the running time.  The amateurish cast don’t do much to elevate the material either.  All of this winds up becoming repetitive, and it feels much longer than the seventy-seven-minute running time suggests.  Since it’s loaded with women who are more than willing to get naked in nearly every vignette, it’s hard to be too critical about it.

Speaking of which, the biggest star (in more than one sense of the word) is Uschi Digard.  She appears in multiple roles and always winds up flashing her enormous chest.  Smokey and the Bandit’s Pat McCormick has a cameo hosting an awards show, but he isn’t really given much to do. 

A sequel, obviously called Can I Do It Till I Need Glasses? featured Robin Williams in his film debut.

AKA:  You Must Be Joking.

VHS MASSACRE: CULT FILMS AND THE DECLINE OF PHYSICAL MEDIA (2016) **

VHS Massacre:  Cult Films and the Decline of Physical Media presents a hodgepodge of ideas that never quite gels into a cohesive whole.  It focuses on a variety of subjects, but never does any of them justice.  It’s a shame too because if the filmmakers had just taken the time to flesh out their ideas a bit more, it could’ve been quite entertaining.

The main focus is giving the viewer a history of home video formats.  They cover the rise of Blockbuster, which ultimately spells the end of the old mom and pop video stores.  The various oddball movies that you can only find on VHS are also discussed.  

The most fun comes from the filmmakers hunting for the worst VHS tapes they can find.  Then, they present their findings to a panel of judges, who will name the worst VHS of all time.  This idea is a lot of fun and really should’ve been the main thrust of the film as the scenes of the filmmakers scouring old video stores are among the best in the entire movie.

Ultimately, VHS Massacre just jumps around too much.  Any one of these topics properly explored could’ve made their own documentary.  Trying to make a film about all of them at once sort of spreads everything out too thin.  Mostly, it just seems like shameless promotion for the filmmakers’ various movies and podcasts than anything.

The interviews are best part.  The most insightful interviews come from Troma president Lloyd Kaufman, drive-in guru Joe Bob Briggs, and Scream Queen Debbie Rochon.  Kaufman is especially knowledgeable given his firsthand experience in the video market trenches.  There are also interviews with the stars of Troll 2, Birdemic, and The Room.  I have a feeling the directors could’ve just filmed a seventy-minute interview with either Joe Bob or Lloyd and it would’ve been preferable to the patchwork finished product.  

VELVET BUZZSAW (2019) ** ½

Josephina (Zawe Ashton) is a lowly assistant for a ruthless art agent named Rhodora (Rene Russo).  When she finds a dead artist’s complete body of work, Rhodora joins forces with her to profit off the discovery.  Along with an influential art critic named Morf (Jake Gyllenhaal), they set out to make the dead artist an overnight sensation.  Unfortunately for all involved, people who have come into contact with the paintings begin dying in bizarre ways.  

I tried to keep away from spoilers before going into Velvet Buzzsaw.  I was a fan of writer/director Dan Gilroy’s previous collaboration with Gyllenhaal and Russo, Nightcrawler and couldn’t wait to see what they had cooked up this time.  I guess if you hedge your expectations, you won’t be disappointed.  The film isn’t bad per se, but it doesn’t quite click either.  

This is one of those cases where the movie would’ve made a good hour-long Masters of Horror show, or better yet, a half-hour Tales from the Crypt episode.  Hovering around the two-hour mark, Velvet Buzzsaw is just too long and drawn out for its own good.  The first half is a satirical look at the various vapid caricatures that populate the art world. This portion of the film is still hit-and-miss, but it’s not without its charms.  The horror elements become more pronounced in the second half, and it’s a long wait.  Ultimately, these sequences are much too uneven to be truly effective, and more often than not come off feeling rushed.  Gilroy’s jabs at the art world are a bit too kind and the kills in the second half aren’t cruel enough, which makes the satire lack bite.  

The performances are solid across the board.  They’re more responsible for keeping you involved than Gilroy’s half-assed plotting.  Russo is fabulous as the shrewd and bitchy Rhodora.  I also had fun with John Malkovich’s subdued turn as an artist whose sobriety is preventing him from being successful.  Hereditary’s Toni Collette is equally amusing as an art buyer who gets a wild Phantasm-inspired death scene.

Gyllenhaal is the glue that keeps Velvet Buzzsaw from spinning off the tracks.  He gives a quirky, hilarious, and fearless performance.  The film has way too many supporting characters fighting for superiority, but whenever he is front and center, the movie really cooks.  His wild-eyed antics will probably launch a thousand memes and for that alone, it gets a marginal recommendation from me.

LADY ICE (1973) * ½

Donald Sutherland stars as a mechanic who rips off a priceless diamond necklace.  The next day, he hits on the boss’s daughter (Jennifer O’Neill) which gets him fired.  He eventually teams up with her to fence the necklace.  Little does she know, he’s really an insurance man working with a detective (Robert Duvall) to nab a ring of jewel thieves.

Directed by Tom (Breakheart Pass) Gries, Lady Ice is a largely dull caper film.  There are no real surprises, sparks, or tension here.  There’s also no energy from scene to scene, which makes things bog down awful fast. 

You can derive some fun from seeing Sutherland playing a badass.  He’s particularly cool in the opening scene where he steals the necklace at gunpoint.  This sequence is evidence that he could’ve easily played Richard Stark’s Parker if given the chance.  Too bad the movie never gives him another opportunity to duplicate that level of toughness.

O’Neill is one of the more underrated actresses of the ‘70s.  It’s nice to see her with such a sizeable role.  It’s just a shame that she isn’t given a whole lot to do.  The supporting cast is given less to work with.  Duvall is largely wasted, as is Patrick Magee, who plays O’Neill’s father.  It’s cool seeing a mustache-less Eric Braeden popping, but he is left in the lurch thanks to the thin script.

The narrative feels choppy too.  I’m usually the last person to advocate for longer cuts of a movie.  However, I have a suspicion that there’s a good two-hour film here that actually spends time on the characters and fleshes out the plot more.  At ninety minutes, it all just comes off as clunky. 

The ending is the worst part though.  O’Neill and Sutherland go through all that crossing and double crossing and where do they end up?  Standing around on the beach doing absolutely nothing and looking on while a boat chase occurs.  You’re guaranteed to be screaming at the TV, “THAT’S IT?” as the credits abruptly roll.  

AKA:  Danger.