UPGRADE (2018) ***

The future.  When?  It’s hard to say.  Self-driving cars are commonplace.  So are operations that can give you cyborg attachments like handguns.  I don’t mean like a pistol.  I mean, like you can have a hand that shoots bullets.

Grey (Logan Marshall-Green) and his wife Asha (Melanie Vallejo) are on a night out when their self-driving car malfunctions in the bad part of town.  A gang of muggers descend upon them, killing Asha and shooting Grey in the spine.  Grey is paralyzed and left sulking miserably in a wheelchair.  After a failed suicide attempt, a brilliant tech geek (Harrison Gilbertson) offers to give him STEM, a new technology that will allow him walk again.  Grey eventually uses all of STEM’s vast capabilities to track down the men who murdered his wife.

Leigh (Insidious:  Chapter 3) Whannell’s Upgrade feels like a low-fi mash-up of Death Wish and Robocop, with a little bit of 2001 thrown in for good measure.  The little voice inside Marshall-Green’s head sounds very much like HAL, which should’ve been an immediate red flag for him.  Then again, it’s hard to dislike STEM, especially when he can download Kung Fu moves into your brain that would make Neo from The Matrix envious.  

Upgrade announces Logan Marshall-Green’s arrival as a physical comedian.  Sure, he’s good when he’s brooding over his wife’s death, but he levels up once STEM takes over.  He’s especially great during the fight scenes where he’s not in control of his own body.  He has some moments here that would make Jackie Chan himself smile. 

Whannell delivers a film that is down and dirty fun.  He does a particularly great job with the inventive fight sequences and fills the movie with gory kills and crowd-pleasing moments.  I can only imagine what he could’ve done with a bigger budget.  Although I wonder if the film would’ve been able to retain its scrappy charm had Whannell been given more money to work with.  

Sure, there’s some cheesy moments here (like the killer sneeze scene).  The bad guys are kind of boring too and some of their gimmicks are lame.  The finale plods a bit as well, but there’s more invention and fun here than most action/horror hybrids.  

Marshall-Green gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Have it your way, cock snot!”

THE LEGACY OF A WHITETAIL DEER HUNTER (2018) ***

Josh Brolin stars as manly man Buck Ferguson, the star of a deer hunting show.  He’s looking forward to his next episode in which he’ll take his son Jaden (Montana Jordan) on his first deer hunt.  He’s especially reliant on his trusty cameraman Don (Danny McBride) to capture this special moment and preserve it forever on film.  I guess it goes without saying it does not go as expected.  

Director Jody (Observe and Report) Hill (who also co-wrote the script with McBride) stops short of making his characters exaggerated goofballs.  If they knew they were funny, it wouldn’t work.  Watching Brolin trying to passionately impart wisdom to his indifferent son while counting on McBride to get it all on film is a quite often a thing a beauty.

The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter is a funny meditation on the ever-growing generation gap.  If you ever tried to share something with your child, you’ll feel a pang of recognition here.  The scenes the kid putting on his ear buds, zoning out, constantly being on his phone, and talking incessantly in the deer stand while Brolin begs him to be quiet is a recipe for hilarity.  

The snippets of Brolin’s deer hunting show are spot-on.  If you’ve ever seen a hunting video, you’ll recognize they’re lovingly done.  Hill isn’t making fun of hunters, just painting a funny portrait of them.  I also loved the scenes where McBride and Brolin capture footage for their “reality” show.  The way they stage events so they feel more spontaneous often leads to laughs.  

Brolin and McBride (who dials his usual schtick down) are in fine form.  It’s Jordan who steals the movie though.  He’s a good foil for his more seasoned co-stars and it’s fun to see him take the wind out of their sails every chance he gets. 

There’s nothing revelatory here.   The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter is admittedly predictable, and a tad slight.  It’s a simple story, well told, and provides plenty of laughs.  So, in that regard, it hits the bulls’ eye.

AKA:  My Deer Hunter Dad.

GODS OF EGYPT (2016) *

Are there two Alex Proyas or something?  One who makes dark and broody movies like The Crow and Dark City, and another who makes head-scratching disasters like Knowing and this unmitigated turd?  It’s hard to believe the guy who made atmospheric and creepy Dark City made this shiny, noisy, lousy, CGI-laden abomination.

Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is about to be crowned God of Egypt when his two-faced brother Set (Gerard Butler) shows up to challenge him to the throne.  They then turn into shiny monsters that look like end-level bosses in a Sega Saturn game and do battle.  Set takes his brother’s eyes and Horus leaves in disgrace.  A young thief (Brenton Twaites) tries to steal them from Set’s palace to return Horus’ power in exchange for bringing his true love (Courtney Eaton) back to life.  

The rampant overuse of cheesy CGI almost singlehandedly sinks the whole deal. We’re talking Greenscreen City. From the thousands of CGI extras stumbling around a phony backdrop that looks like cut scenes from a video game to the wonky monsters that look like they came out of an Asylum movie, the effects in Gods of Egypt are a fucking joke.  Whenever the actors run (or more accurately pretend to run) against the obvious greenscreen, it never once feels like they’re in any real danger.  

Sure, the monster effects are too clean and/or gaudy, but the script is even worse.  It feels like it was written and rewritten again and again till the whole thing reached the point of incoherence.  Our hero tries to save girlfriend.  Then he learns he can’t save her.  Well, maybe we can save her.  It’s like it’s making up its own rules as it goes along.  Whenever things get too stupid, Proyas will cut to something even stupider (like a flying chariot driven by a giant fly) in a futile effort to distract you from the overwritten script. 

Proyas throws us from one shitty CGI battle sequence to the next so fast that you become almost instantly numb to it all.  I mean I wanted to like it.  I can’t tell you how much it pains me to say that a movie containing women riding giant fire-breathing snakes is terrible, but here we are.

Butler skates by unscathed, mostly by acting as if he’s still in 300.  Twaites and Coster-Waldau get lost in all the ones and zeroes though.  Even the usually charismatic Chadwick Boseman becomes engulfed in all the CGI lunacy.  

AKA:  Kings of Egypt. 

MILIUS (2014) ****

John Milius was one of the most prolific screenwriters of the ‘70s.  During that time, he wrote The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, Jeremiah Johnson, and Apocalypse Now, just to name a few.  He’s probably more well known for the scripts he rewrote uncredited, like Dirty Harry and Quint’s USS Indianapolis speech from Jaws.  In the ‘80s, he went on to direct the classics Conan the Barbarian and Red Dawn.  By the time the ‘90s came around, his legend had just about eclipsed his output.  

This documentary is a fascinating portrait of the man that is admittedly equal parts legend and fact.  It’s fun hearing stories about him demanding guns, girls, and gold in exchange for a script about Evel Knievel, studios offering to buy him TWO sportscoats as long as he burns his old one, and walking into meetings with a loaded gun, you know, for effect.  

There are plenty of stories here to corroborate the legend of John Milius.  The sheer number of participants who have agreed to appear for on-camera interviews is a testament to the man.  Spielberg, Lucas, Scorsese, just to name a few, all tell funny Milius stories while giving great insight to the man behind the myth.  From championing each other’s work back in film school, to helping one another out on various projects, to trading profit points on their movies, they eagerly regale us with wild stories.

Most of the tales you hear about Milius in this film are legendary.  Like most legends, they all have their basis in fact.  Besides, when it comes down to the facts and the legend, you’re supposed to print the legend anyway.  He lived life to the hilt, just like the characters he wrote, which makes him (and them) the genuine article. 

The filmmakers point to Red Dawn, though a hit, as the thing that probably killed his career.  After that, John was largely written off by Hollywood for his right-wing politics.  Also, studios were no longer willing to put up with his antics just to get a great script. From there on, Milius unexpectedly pulls at your heartstrings.  It’s a terrific portrait of the man, the myth, and the legend.  (Also, stay tuned after the credits for some jaw-dropping facts about him that only increase his legendary status.)  

TOO NAUGHTY TO SAY NO (1985) **

Ginger Lynn and Angel star as two sexually inquisitive Catholic schoolgirls.  While poring over the meaning of the word “begat”, Angel drifts off to sleep.  When she awakes, she finds Ginger dressed sexy and follows her to Jamie Gillis’ house to watch them fuck.  Later, she gets Angel set up at a house of ill repute, which leads to a series of sexual misadventures.

Too Naughty to Say No sort of plays like an XXX version of Alice in Wonderland.  Except that instead of a March Hare, a Cheshire Cat, and a Mad Hatter, you have Ginger Lynn, Jamie Gillis, and Lisa De Leeuw as assorted pervs, whores, and weirdoes.  The strangest scene is when Harry Reems shows up playing a mortician who fucks Angel while she’s “dead”.  (Don’t worry, she comes back to life eventually.)

For the first part of the movie, Angel is mostly left to play with herself or look on as others get into orgies.  She eventually partakes in the fun once she gets double-stuffed by two cops and molested by a flasher.  Her final scene is the best one, when a woman fucks her in a car while guys watch through the windows, jerk off, and blow their load onto the windshield.  I will say the scene where she is chased by a black pimp on roller skates is kind of funny.  The “It was all a dream” ending is disappointing though.  

The problem is, most of the sex scenes are more odd than sexy.  It doesn’t help that Angel isn’t much of a sexpot.  She has a nice body and all, but not a whole lot in the way of screen presence.  You’ll wish Ginger’s role was bigger as she isn’t given much to do.  You do get to see Jamie Gillis acting like his usual pervy self, although his coupling with Ginger lacks inspiration and sparks.  

2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (2012) **

Well, they say two heads are better than one.  Well, that’s what they SAY at least.  I’m not sure it exactly applies when it comes to killer shark movies from The Asylum.  Directed by Christopher-Douglas Olen Ray (Fred’s son), 2-Headed Shark Attack is better than your average Asylum killer shark flick, but it’s still not all that great.

The titular shark disables a boat full of college students on a field trip.  The captain, played by Charlie O’Connell (Jerry’s brother), decides the kids should head on over to a deserted island while his crew repair the ship.  Meanwhile, a two-faced fish starts a feeding frenzy around the island turning college coeds into chum.  

The CGI is appropriately cheesy, and some of the shark’s antics are genuinely amusing.  The opening scene where the two-headed beast comes out of the water to simultaneously chomp down on a pair of water skiers is fun.  I also liked how it tossed a victim back and forth between its two mouths.  We even get a scene where it eats skinny-dipping teens (well, topless ones anyway) in the midst of a three-way.  In an age where EVERYTHING is CGI, it did make me smile during the scenes in which the shark is clearly a set of rubber heads with some interns inside moving the jaws up and down.

These bits are dumb fun, but the film pretty much shoots its wad too early.  The second half, which focuses on the (mostly) annoying students are decidedly less enjoyable.  Once the teens become stuck on the island (which is about to sink into the sea), all they do is yell, whine, and argue with each other.  While these scenes don’t exactly derail the movie, they don’t do it any favors.  The unending predicaments the kids wind up facing in the third act gets to be a bit much by the end, and the prolonged climax just sort of sits there too.

Brooke Hogan (The Hulkster’s daughter) is OK in the lead.  She doesn’t have much in the way of screen presence, but she’s easy enough on the eyes and essays her Final Girl role to the best of her ability.  It’s nice seeing Carmen Electra as the captain’s wife, although you’ll wish she was given more to do besides sunbathe.

AKA:  Monster Shark Attack.  AKA:  Double Head Jaws.  

TAKE SHELTER (2011) *** ½

Michael Shannon stars as Curtis, a hardworking family man plagued by apocalyptic visions and horrifying nightmares.  Even when he’s wide awake he feels phantom quakes of thunder and has trouble distinguishing his visions from reality.  Curtis soon becomes obsessed with an abandoned tornado shelter in his backyard and goes to great lengths to prepare it for an impending disaster, much to the dismay of his long-suffering wife (Jessica Chastain).

Schizophrenia runs in Curtis’ family.  Are these visions a sign of onset mental illness?  Or is it a harbinger of something darker, more sinister?  Writer/director Jeff Nichols tantalizes us with the possibilities.  He also resists the temptation to get all biblical on us, which is appreciated (and would’ve probably been too easy).  

Take Shelter is a spellbinding drama.  Nichols deftly captures the visceral feeling of a nightmare and the dream sequences are often quite powerful.  Most movies treat dreams as stylish side jaunts.  Something that looks flashy and helps to pad out the running time.  Nichols uses them to help us understand Curtis’ increasingly fragile mental state so we can sympathize with his unstable decisions.

Nichols probably draws things out a bit too much by the end as the third act sort of dawdles before reaching it’s predictable (but nevertheless well done) conclusion.  As an acting showcase for Shannon and Chastain, it’s quite exhilarating.  Shannon in particular gives a tour de force performance.  The scene where he explodes in front of his neighbors during a fire hall dinner contains some of the best acting he’s ever done.  He also sells the helplessness you feel when you’re trapped in a dream and can’t wake up.  He is equally fine in his domestic scenes with Chastain, who gives a quieter, but no less interesting performance.  Not only do we have to believe Shannon is willing to sacrifice his job, good standing in the community, and potentially his sanity to save his family, we have to believe that Chastain ALMOST believes him too, which is a trick task, and one she pulls off effortlessly.