PRISONER OF PARADISE (1980) ***

Joe (John C. Holmes) is an American sailor who washes ashore on a deserted island after a German U-boat sinks his battleship.  He decides to explore the island and finds a stream where two nude women (Seka and Sue Carol) are bathing.  He follows them back to their camp where he is disgusted to learn they are Nazis.  (That would be just my luck too.)  They, along with their superior (Heinz Mueller) get their kicks by torturing American women POW’s and forcing them to have sex.  Joe tries to help the POW’s, but after a failed escape attempt, the Nazis have their way with Joe too.  

Directed by Gail Palmer and Bob Chinn, Prisoner of Paradise has a couple of wild scenes that help to catapult it to the top of the Nazi porno charts.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where a POW is tied up and the Nazis make her say, “I love the Fuhrer!” while Seka eats her pussy.  Later, Seka put a gun to John Holmes’ head and makes him fuck her while “Ride of the Valkyries” plays.  (This came out a year after Apocalypse Now.)  Meanwhile, Carol watches them as she masturbates using the butt of her pistol.  Before poor John can finish, Seka yells, “Don’t you cum in me, you American swine!”  

Seka, it must be said, looks incredible in her Nazi uniform, although I’m not sure gold belly chains were standard issue for Nazi women soldiers.  I mean I’ve always had a thing for Seka.  I’ve always had a thing for a woman in uniform too.  Because of that, Prisoner of Paradise was kind of right up my alley.  

Even though Holmes had the biggest cock in the business, he still becomes the butt of many funny jokes.  The best moment comes when Seka searches him and mistakes his dick for a concealed weapon.  She also degrades him by calling him names like, “American wiener schnitzel” and “American frankfurter”, which is pretty funny.

You have to give credit to Chinn and Palmer.  The decent production design and use of extras in the flashback scenes make Prisoner of Paradise almost look like a real movie.  At least for a while, as the dilapidated shack on the island is right in line with a porn budget.

If you’re in the mood for kinky, dirty, nasty Nazi sex, along with a healthy dose of S & M, Prisoner of Paradise should fit the bill.  There are times throughout the film where you get the feeling that maybe you shouldn’t be watching it, which is about the highest praise you can give a Nazi porno.  Too bad about the awful theme song though.

AKA:  Nazi Love Island.  AKA:  Nassau.

FRAULEINS IN UNIFORM (1973) ** ½

It’s Recruitment Day at the SS.  Young girls are lining up in droves to join Hitler’s army.  Dr. Kuhn (Carl Mohner) gives them a cursory look-see and deems many unfit for duty.  As a consequence, he is thrown into active service and his daughters Marga (Elisabeth Felchner) and Eva (Karin Heske) are forced to join the army.  They join the SS girls and board a train on their way to the front where horny German soldiers are only too eager to take them to the bathroom for a quickie.  The girls then decide they like serving officers and ask Himmler for permission to keep the German end up, so to speak.  They then spend most their time jumping on Jerry’s jimmy.  

Director Erwin C. Dietrich, the legendary sleaze merchant who produced many Jess Franco movies, gives Frauleins in Uniform a light touch.  I know a Naziploitation flick with a “light touch” is sort of an oxymoron, but it makes sense since it was a German production.  To them, this must’ve seemed just like an ordinary army sex comedy.

I mean, you still get some of the usual Nazi movie clichés.  There are shower scenes, forced lesbianism, not-so forced lesbianism, balling on the battlefield, and rape.  Naturally, all this Nazi nastiness leads to an outbreak of VD throughout camp.  It’s not quite as outlandish and depraved as your typical Third Reich raunch-fest, which may disappoint some viewers.

The examination scene early in the film where the girls are forced to strip is a classic though.  One of the recruits refuses to take off her garter, and the matron asks her if she’s wearing a chastity belt.  She replies, “Yes!  I’m saving myself for the Fuhrer!”

Ultimately, most of this is just too all over the place to work.  The scenes of rampant Nazi sex are sometimes interrupted with an inexplicable bout of seriousness (like the leukemia subplot) that runs against the grain of the silliness.  For every dramatic scene, there’s at least two or three moments of sheer stupidity (like the scene where the Frauleins get it on with some Nazi officers and rub their guns suggestively until they symbolically fire in the air).  I mean it’s hard not to like any movie in which Nazi schoolgirls turn their headquarters into a brothel.  

At a hundred minutes, it’s probably about ten minutes too long.  The fractured plot spins its wheels a bit too much in the second half too.  It particularly falls apart whenever it tries to become a serious war movie late in the game, and the ending is abrupt.  

The best line comes when a Nazi phone operator gets all hot and bothered while looking at dirty pictures and her co-worker chastises her by saying, “You’re going to strain an ovary!”

AKA:  She Devils of the SS.  AKA:  Frauleins Without Uniform.  AKA:  SS Cutthroats.  AKA:  The Cutthroats.  

SWAMP ZOMBIES 2 (2018) ** ½

I only watched the original Swamp Zombies because I bought the DVD from Jasmin St. Claire at a horror convention.  It wasn’t bad, but I remember it being long as fuck.  Returning director Len Kabasinki obviously heard my criticism because this thirteen-years-later sequel runs a tight seventy-two minutes.  

The plot is one of those Escape from New York deals where a dangerous criminal is sent into hostile territory to complete a suicide mission.  In this case, Swann (horror host Mr. Lobo) sends Jack (Kabasinki) into a zombified zone to retrieve Mouse (Crystal Quin), the leader of P.E.T.Z. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.)  She has information that could potentially halt production on Swann’s zombie reality show, so he wants her silenced.

Swamp Zombies 2 is fun for a while, but it ultimately loses steam once the action switches over to the villain’s dark warehouse compound.  Still, it’s a big improvement on the original in many ways.  The fake commercials are especially funny and help lighten the mood.  The gore (which includes head squishing, gut ripping, face ripping, and more) is quite juicy, and the topless zombie (complete with nipple piercings) from the opening scene is probably the sexiest zombie lady since Mindy Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3.  As someone who’s sat through a slew of bad shot-on-video zombie comedy sequels, you learn to appreciate one that almost gets it right.

Mr. Lobo gets the best line of the movie when he refers to a zombie’s walk as “The Pittsburgh Shuffle”.

DISCREET (2008) **

Discreet tells the story of a successful twentysomething insurance salesman named Thomas (James Gracie, who also wrote the script) who happens to be a virgin.  Me makes a date with a beautiful working girl named Monique (Anel Alexander) and pays her for an hour and a half to just talk.  She is perplexed by his request, but she obliges him.  Things get complicated as they get to know one another, and predictably, they wind up learning a little bit about themselves too.

Discreet is based on a play, which is obvious since the bulk of the movie is set in one location with two people having awkward conversations about life, relationships, religion, and sex.  The leads are rather good, have a decent amount of chemistry, and help to keep you engaged in the thoroughly familiar material.  Director Joshua Rous does a fine job at keeping the pace moving along at a steady clip.  You have to give him credit.  He finds a few ways, through camera movement and blocking, to prevent it from feeling overly stagey.

The will-they-or-won’t-they tension is built up adequately enough between the actors.  There are a few funny moments along the way too, and a one or two insightful bits, which prevent it from being totally forgettable.  Once things take a turn for the dramatic, the film falters, mostly because it just seems too arbitrary.  It’s almost like Gracie needed an excuse for his characters to have an argument, and instead of letting it occur naturally, it comes off as forced.  

Discreet isn’t bad as an exercise in low budget filmmaking.  It seems as if everyone did their best with what they were given.  However, there just isn’t enough worthwhile drama here to push it into the win column.  

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018) ***

Not long into Leprechaun Returns, the Leprechaun (Linden Porco, taking over for Hornswoggle and Warwick Davis, respectively) says:

“It’s been 25 years.
I’ve lost me knack.
Some fresh killing
Oughta bring it back!”

That about sums it up.

Right away, we’re made aware by director Steven (Manborg) Kostanski that this is a direct sequel to the original.  Like Halloween (2018), it ignores everything from Part 2 on and starts with a clean slate.  I was initially against this idea.  I mean, how are you going to erase the Leprechaun’s jaunt to Vegas, his trip to outer space, and not one but TWO journeys into the hood?  Surprisingly enough, my qualms disappeared after Ozzie (Mark Holton), the handyman from the original accidentally drinks water from the well where the Leprechaun was imprisoned.  Before long, the Leprechaun erupts out of his belly in gory fashion.  It was here where I thought to myself, “Okay, I think we’re going to be all right.  This is going to be a good one.”

This is (if you’re keeping score at home) the second time in a row the series has tried to reboot itself.  Leprechaun:  Origins wasn’t bad.  In fact, the gore was quite good.  However, since the Leprechaun didn’t talk (or rhyme) it wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  The serious tone didn’t do it any favors either.  I’m happy to report Returns recaptures that old Leprechaun magic.

Lila (Taylor Spreitler), the daughter of Jennifer Aniston’s character in the original, returns to the house where the events of the first film took place.  Along with her sorority sisters, she tries to renovate the place into an environmentally-friendly sorority house.  (Get it?  They’re going GREEN!)  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before the Leprechaun comes back to get his gold and kill lots of dumb teens.

This new guy, Linden Porco is no Warwick Davis, but you probably knew that already.  The make-up isn’t quite up to snuff with the original design either.  However, to give Porco credit, he doesn’t try to emulate Davis.  He makes the character his own.  By the end of the movie, I had embraced his interpretation of the character and I look forward to seeing how he will fare in (hopefully) future installments.

Kostanski retains the look and feel of the original, which means it looked right at home on The SyFy Channel as part of the St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun marathon.  He updates the material for present-day audiences (everyone wants to take a selfie with the Leprechaun, death by drone, etc.), but he keeps one foot firmly planted in tradition.  There’s a scene where a guy captures the Leprechaun on film with his night vision camera (the footage is tinted green, of course) that feels like it came right out of a ‘90s horror movie. 

There’s a bit of CGI, but for the most part, the gore was au natural, which was greatly appreciated.  There’s head squashing, gut ripping, decapitation, and an Army of Darkness homage I wasn’t expecting.  The showstopper is the scene where a dumbass gets vivisected by a solar panel and his girlfriend asks, “Do you think he’s really dead? I know he was split down the coronal plane and all...” 

Sure, there’s some lame moments here.  Some of the scenes of wishes backfiring on people could’ve had a better outcome (like the death by sprinkler).  Still, it does have a part where a guy Saran Wraps his stomach to keep his guts from falling out, so there’s that.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that Leprechaun Returns is one of the better Leprechaun films in the series.  It’s more fun than that new Halloween, that’s for damned sure.  

THE KINDERGARTEN TEACHER (2018) ** ½

Maggie Gyllenhaal stars as Lisa, a lonely kindergarten teacher stuck in a dreary everyday existence.  When her student Jimmy (Parker Sevak) writes a beautiful poem, it snaps her out of her rut.  Her homelife is a wreck.  Her children are indifferent, and her husband is boring.  The only spark in her life comes from this kid in her class.  Lisa soon becomes obsessed with him and keeps pestering Jimmy for more and more poetry.  Frustrated with her own poetry, she begins passing it off as her own.  Her obsession soon goes off the rails when she begins taking him into the city without his parents’ knowledge to attend poetry slams.

Part indie character study drama, part From Hell thriller, The Kindergarten Teacher is an odd duck to say the least.  It’s buoyed by an eccentric performance by Gyllenhaal, who’s stalkerish actions sometimes border on uncomfortable (especially where a child is concerned).  The way she gets too close to the boy and prattling on and on while the kid takes no interest in her is unsettling to say the least.  So are the scenes where she pulls him away from the class at naptime so she can get him alone in the bathroom to talk about poetry.  (I’m pretty sure this a big no-no in the public-school system).  

If this was a male teacher, it would be a whole different vibe.  Red flags would be flying left and right.  As a woman, she can pass herself off as being motherly and attentive without causing too much attention to her increasingly bizarre behavior.  

As a parent, it’s okay to think anything your kid does is great.  When it’s your student, you can encourage them up to a point.  The unhinged Gyllenhaal crosses that line very early on and never looks back.  (She even gives him her phone number!)

Gael Garcia Bernal has some good scenes as Gyllenhaal’s creative writing teacher.  Rosa (Alita:  Battle Angel) Salazar also leaves a memorable impression in her small amount of screen time as the kid’s nanny.  However, this is Maggie’s show through and through.  Her wild-eyed antics aren’t enough to save the movie, but they will surely raise your eyebrow a time or two.  (Wait till you see how her sex life is impacted by her obsession.)

Directed by Sara Colangelo, The Kindergarten Teacher is too slow moving and deliberately paced to function as a thriller and it feels too lurid to work as a portrait of mental illness.  As it is, it kind of falls somewhere in between.  There’s more social awkwardness than out and out tension and Gyllenhaal’s actions are more head-shaking than heart-stopping.  Still, if you’re a fan of Gyllenhaal’s, you owe it to yourself to see it, just on the strength of her performance alone.

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016) ** ½

Brian Cox is a coroner teaching his son Emile Hirsch the family trade.  One night, the cops bring in a corpse of an unidentified woman (Olwen Kelly) who died under, shall we say, unprecedented circumstances.  The sheriff wants answers FAST and Cox and Hirsch roll up their sleeves and prepare for an all-nighter.  As the duo search for answers, it soon becomes apparent that this ain’t no ordinary corpse.

Director Andre (Trollhunter) Ovredal expertly builds up the mystery surrounding the curious corpse.  As Cox digs deeper (both literally and figuratively) he finds more and more bizarre inconsistencies in the body.  Ovredal is able to wring a lot of suspense and atmosphere out of the autopsy room scenes, and the coroners’ grisly discoveries gives the early sequences quite a kick.

The set-up is intriguing and instantly gets your attention.  Once things move out of the autopsy room, it gets decidedly less effective as it goes along.  It’s here where Ovredel eschews the creepy vibe of the early scenes in favor of some fairly standard who-goes-there scenes set in dark hallways, which gets quite frustrating.  The ending is predictable, and a bit of a letdown, especially considering how eerie the first half was.

Cox and Hirsch make for a great team.  They have some fine moments together as they try to piece together what happened to the corpse.  Kelly is able to create a sinister presence, a feat that’s made even more impressive when you consider all she does is lay there.  Unfortunately, so does the climax. 

AKA:  The Morgue.