VICTORIA’S SHADOW (2001) * ½

In the black and white prologue, Victoria (Brinke Stevens) is bitten by a one-eyed vampire (Joe Schofield) in a graveyard.  A century and change later, Victoria’s ancestor, Max (Bill Rodd) finds a diary detailing her demise.  It also tells where the family jewels are squirreled away. Thinking he can use the loot to pay off a loan shark, Max proceeds into the tomb with his goofball buddy Carl (Matt Oppy).  There, they find Victoria’s preserved body with a jewel-encrusted stake stuck through her heart.  Naturally, the idiots remove the stake, and she goes around sucking people’s blood.

Directed by Grant Austin Waldman (who also directed the much better Teenage Exorcist starring Brinke), Victoria’s Shadow is often a chore to sit through.  You know you’re in trouble during the sluggish prologue.  Afterwards, we’re treated to an even slower exposition scene that basically recaps everything we just saw moments ago.  It’s totally uneconomical.  Waldman should’ve cut one of these scenes.  Having both just needlessly clutters the narrative early on. 

The acting is painfully amateurish.  The scenes of the hapless grave robbers standing around and talking about family curses, fencing jewelry, and busting each other’s balls is downright painful.  The performances by Rodd and Oppy will grate on your nerves something fierce.  They have no screen presence whatsoever and are impossible to take seriously with their loopy line deliveries. 

Some parts are too dark, while others make good use of colorful lighting.  The shots utilizing pink and green lights in the background look pretty cool, even if they kind of overdo it with the fog machine sometimes.  The gore is OK, but the ending is rushed and anticlimactic.  

Brinke is the only selling point.  Her best scenes come when she’s walking around in a see-through nightgown searching for victims.  I don’t know if Victoria’s Shadow shopped at Victoria’s Secret, but Brinke sure was looking good.  

AKA:  Bitten:  Victoria’s Shadow.  

WEDDING SLASHERS (2006) ** ½

Jenna (Jessica Kinney) watches in horror as her boyfriend is chainsawed up by a psycho in a gas mask.  She eventually moves on and five years later gets engaged to her boyfriend Alex (Ross Kelly).  On their wedding day, her long-lost killer “family” show up at the church to hunt her down and murder the wedding guests.  It’s then up to Alex to protect his bride to-be from her insane incestual clan.

Most low budget filmmakers come up with a great title and forget to make a movie that lives up to it.  I can’t quite say director Carlos Smith accomplishes that with Wedding Slashers but be thankful it’s as good as it is.  Overall, it rates just above your average Troma flick in terms of acting and gore.  It also earns points for getting the show on the road in an expedient manner.  It kind of spin its wheels a bit too much in the third act, but the abundance of gore keeps you watching.

I’ve always been of the mind that if you don’t have the budget to spring for good cameras or decent lightning equipment, at least put the money towards the special effects.  The makers of Wedding Slashers share my sentiment.  There’s a ton of bloody kills in this thing, including a pretty cool decapitated head gag, a gnarly hacked-up face, chopped-off fingers, eyeball plucking, gut ripping, a knife to the head, and so much more.  The killers each have their own bizarre mask and get-up, which looks cool, although none of them really develop much of a personality.  

Iconic Skinamax Siren Maria Ford has a small part as a doomed bride to-be.  Too bad she doesn’t get naked.  Heck, she doesn’t even last past the opening scene.  Genre favorite Richard (Invasion U.S.A.) Lynch also shows up briefly as Kinney’s lecherous “Daddy”.  If only they were utilized more because the amateurish cast can’t quite carry the picture all the way through to the finish line.  Still, there’s enough plucky spirit and gallons of gore to make you want to R.S.V.P.

TOAD WARRIOR (1996) *

You’ve got to hand it to Donald G. Jackson.  He doesn’t always make good movies, but he can sure come up with great titles.  Toad Warrior is one of the funniest titles I’ve heard in a long time.  Too bad it’s nothing more than a crappy, low-budget shot-on-video sequel to his magnum opus, Hell Comes to Frogtown.  Even with its crappy cinematography and shoestring budget, it still manages to be marginally more entertaining than the dreadful Frogtown 2.

The guy they got to play the hero (who I guess is supposed to be the brother of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s character in the original) is a joke.  He’s no Piper, I know that.  If you thought Robert Z’Dar was bad in Frogtown 2, just wait till you see this dude.  

The plot has a samurai named Hell fighting mutant frog men in the desert.  Apparently, the evil O’Malley (Joe Estevez) wants to turn what humans who are left in the wasteland into frogs.  Or something.  It completely falls apart by the end, so it’s hard to tell. 

Overall, Toad Warrior isn’t quite as bad as Jackson’s Roller Gator, it’s but still pretty crummy.  The action isn’t the worst I’ve seen.  It’s just the shitty shot-on-video look doesn’t do it any favors.  The frog man masks are well done, although the cheap samurai and Ninja costumes are pathetic.  The sets are incredibly slapped-together too.  When we see Estevez sitting on a throne it’s painfully obvious it’s just a chair with a black blanket thrown over it.

There’s one character named “Humphrey Bullfrog”, which is kind of funny I suppose.  He’s a frog man who dresses like a ‘40s detective.  Too bad his voice is so modulated it’s hard to understand what he says.  

The cast is about as amateurish as the rest of the production.  Estevez kind of embarrasses himself while barking orders and cracking shitty jokes on his throne.  At least porn star Jill Kelly’s cleavage helps to make her scenes bearable.  Too bad she’s not in it a whole lot.  

Plan 9 from Outer Space’s Conrad Brooks also turns up.  It’s kind of cool because he’s playing the same character from Roller Gator.  Even Baby Gator shows up for a brief cameo, which sort of makes this a half-assed interconnected Jacksonverse.  Say what you will about Toad Warrior, but Donald G. Jackson was doing the whole Cinematic Universe thing long before Marvel.

Toad Warrior is only 79 minutes long, but don’t let that fool you:  It’s a long movie.  There was a moment I thought everything was wrapping up, only to hit the DISPLAY button on my DVD player and discover I had 35 minutes left to go.  The last act is especially dire (the scene where Hell gives the same speech three times to three different women is particularly gratuitous).  The complete non-ending concludes with the old “To Be Continued…” ploy which further frustrates the situation and is downright infuriating.  

The surf music soundtrack isn’t bad though.  

WICKED SCHOOLGIRLS (1981) ***

Giggles (Sonya Summers), a sexy brunette in pigtails and braces, leads around her “doggy daddy” on a leash, feeding him cookies until she gets so hot that she demands he fuck her, all while “How Much is That Doggy in the Window?” plays in the background.  Wally (Frank Sirocco) takes pictures of Giggles in compromising positions and tries to blackmail her into giving him head.  Her brother Jock (Ron Hudd) then schemes to get the photos back by sending his slutty girlfriend Joanie (Robin Sane) over to seduce the blackmailer.  

Meanwhile, another sexy schoolgirl, Velvet (Velvet Summers) masturbates while Chuck Berry sings “Hail, Hail, Rock and Roll”.  She finally gets off when he plays (what else?) “Sweet Little Sixteen”.  Velvet then tries to get a job as a secretary, but before her boss hires her, he wants to see if she can “handle the load”.  

The back and forth plot with all the blackmailing and extortion schemes gets repetitive, but a lot of the set-ups for the sex scenes (like when Velvet’s boss has her take “dictation”) are a lot of fun.  It’s mostly memorable for the stolen, unlicensed music and meanspirited S & M scenes.  (The original tunes, like “Jailbait” and “Ball Away the Blues” are great too.)  There’s even a jaw-dropping moment when Velvet takes an on-camera piss before being seduced in the toilet stall by an older secretary.  We also get an incestuous ending when Giggles gets it on with Jock and proclaims, “You’re the best brother in the world!”  

Director Carter (Punk Rock) Stevens does a fine job keeping the momentum going.  The set-ups are breezily handled, and the ensuing sex scenes are wild and sleazy.  I can’t say it’s a classic or anything, but it’s certainly memorable, and both Summers are plenty hot.

IRON SKY (2012) ***

For seventy years, the Nazis have been hiding out on the dark side of the moon waiting for a second chance to take over the world.  At last, they come down to Earth and make their play for world domination.  Finally realizing the Nazis are up to no good, Renate (Julia Dietze) leaves their ranks, and with the help of an American astronaut (Christopher Kirby), she tries to put a stop to the Fourth Reich.  

Iron Sky offers a fun blend of faux-Grindhouse lunacy with genuinely funny comedy and a handful of legitimately badass moments.  The premise is outlandish, but is enormously entertaining thanks to the game cast, cool special effects, and often pitch-perfect tone.  Not content on just making a silly little B picture, director Timo Vuorensola (who got his start making impressive homemade Star Trek fan films), cannily puts a little social commentary into the mix (like the scenes of The White House embracing Nazism), which keeps it from becoming yet another disposable would-be cult item.  

That’s not to say the film doesn’t know how to cut loose and have fun.  The scenes of Kirby being subjected to Aryanization is handled with equal parts satire and out-and-out hilarity.  Plus, it’s hard to resist any movie in which Udo Kier plays a Nazi.  Of course, a flick with this kind of wild imagination is sure to be uneven as hell.  However, its spunky spirit carries it over the clunkier parts, and the final act is a blast.  The fact that all this was created from an online crowdsourcing effort adds to its scrappy charm.

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 4: WHAT DRIVES PARENTS TO DESPAIR (1973) ***

If you’ve never seen any of the Schoolgirl Report flicks, they were a series of German sexploitation movies that featured sexy schoolgirls doing all sorts of naughty things.  Filmed under the guise of a pseudo-documentary, they present several vignettes revolving around the sexual escapades of insatiable teenage girls.  I’m happy to report (heh) that this is one of the better entries in the franchise.  

The first tale revolves around a sexpot student named Elfie (Karin Gotz) who needs a passing grade in math to graduate.  She makes her teacher an indecent proposal:  A roll in the hay for a C on the big test.  After a lot of hemming and hawing, he finally caves in.  This segment is predictable, but it still works.  I’m sure the filmmakers could’ve built up the sexual tension a bit more, although you can’t blame the teacher for giving into temptation.  

The second story finds an old pervert pretending to be a physician so he can give schoolgirls examinations.  Like the first story, it’s relatively straightforward and obvious.  Despite that, it still manages to work up a fair amount of steam.  (Like when the doctor takes his patient’s “temperature”.)

The next story finds an African-American student having trouble fitting in at school where she is subject to exclusion and racist taunts.  When she is invited to a party, she thinks her classmates are finally reaching out to her, but it’s nothing more than an ambush to degrade and humiliate her.  This story has a nice set-up, and makes an earnest stab at moralizing, although it feels out of step with the other, more lighthearted tales.  

A group of friends pitch in and help a student who’s wrecked his car in the next tale.  To get the money needed for the repairs, the girls decide to prostitute themselves out for cash.  Although the set-up is breezy and fun (I especially liked the scenes with the overweight girl who wants to get some “action”), it sort of fizzles out in the end without much of a resolution.  

A gaggle of giggling girls notice an Italian goofball ogling them in the park.  They then decide to tease him by constantly undressing and sexually provoking him.  The joke’s on them though when they find out the hard way (pun intended) that he’s a sexual dynamo.  This sequence has a few laughs (the part where he sticks his dick in a fountain to cool off is funny) and features plenty of nudity, making it one of the most fun segments in the entire picture.  

Christina (Thriller:  A Cruel Picture) Lindberg stars in the next story as Barbara, a young girl, who has a crush on her brother Wolfgang (Gunther Mohner).  Since they share the same room together, Barbara sees her brother naked often, which helps fuel her desire.  Before long, the sex-starved Barbara makes her feelings known to her sibling.  Fans of Lindberg are in for a real treat with this sleazy, steamy segment.  She’s especially hot in the scenes where she masturbates while watching her brother banging babes.  We also get a random-ass dream sequence where she watches a nun shot by a firing squad!?!  

The final tale is about a virgin who won’t put out for her horny boyfriend.  Eventually, she relents and allows him to have his way with her.  This story is one of the weaker ones in the bunch.  It’s pretty standard issue stuff, but there’s still enough nudity to make it watchable.  

This is the best film I’ve seen so far in the Schoolgirl Report series.  It has a nice balance of carefree sexual escapades, legitimately funny humor, and even addresses some (still timely) social issues.  Don’t let that fool you though because there’s still scads of nudity here to make good on its exploitative promises.  

In short, this Schoolgirl Report makes the grade.

AKA:  Barely Innocent.  AKA:  Campus Swingers.  AKA:  Sex Education.  

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (2019) ****

Left Behind Meets Back to the Future 2 in the superhero movie to end all superhero movies.  

At three-hours, the ambitious, sprawling, jaw-dropping Avengers:  Endgame never feels long.  Every scene feels necessary and the directors, The Russo (Avengers:  Infinity War) Brothers build things slowly, leading to a raucous, free-for-all superhero royal rumble you’d expect from the culmination of a twenty-two-installment series.  At this point, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has become like the WWF.  The various single-character films are kind of like the weekly Raw and Smackdown shows.  Everything eventually leads up a giant Pay-Per-View (or in this case, Avengers movie).  You don’t necessarily need to see every installment to get the gist of it, but if you do, it’s fulfilling to see various storylines that have been carried out throughout the years finally reaching a satisfying climax.  

I’ll try to avoid the spoilers as much as possible.  In fact, the Marvel marketers deserve some kind of medal for keeping the whats and wherefores of the plot so closely guarded.  What I liked was that the Russos gave us these giant action sequences, but not at the expense of the characters.  Each one of the core group (those who weren’t dusted from Infinity War that is) get plenty of moments to shine.  There are enough quirky character beats here to satisfy fans, without feeling like gratuitous fan service (okay, so maybe there are one or two exceptions, but nothing major). 

If Age of Ultron was a Giant-Sized Annual comic book, and Infinity War was a limited-edition collector’s issue, Endgame is a multi-title crossover event.  There are so many narrative plates spinning at once, and yet it never feels jumbled or incoherent.  Even the eye-popping finale, while overstuffed, acts as sort of the icing on the cake.  Remember back in ’08 when the possibility of Iron Man teaming up with Hulk almost felt like a pipe dream?  Flash-forward to the present where just about every Marvel hero is front and center and you have yourself a fanboy’s (or fangirl’s) cinematic wet dream. 

I will try to be vague about certain plot points to avoid spoilers.  Instead, I’ll tell you what characters I felt fared best in this over-stuffed superhero bonanza: 

1)    Captain America.  Even though this is officially an Avengers movie, this is very much Captain America’s show.  He carries the weight of the team on his shoulders.  If he takes their victories in stride, he takes their losses personally.  His resilience in the face of unfathomable odds is what has endeared him to many over the years.  Endgame offers a perfect cap (no pun intended) on his long-running storyline.  Cap does things in this movie you always dreamed he’d do and does some equally memorable and awesome things you’d never thought you needed to see him do.  If indeed Chris Evans (who has never been better in the role) steps down from playing Cap, he can hold his head high knowing he went out on the highest note possible.

2)    Thor.  (Okay, there will be some spoilers in this paragraph.  Skip down to the next paragraph if you want to go in totally cold.)  Chris Hemsworth continues to play up the humorous side of Thor we saw in Ragnarok and imbues it with a heartfelt sense of loss, grief, and self-hatred.  Alternately hilarious and touching, Hemsworth, like Evans, is at his best, walking deftly between the poles of his character’s disparate emotions.  When he throws in the towel and lets himself go… all I have to say is… Dad Bod Thor is my new spirit animal.  

3)    Iron Man.  Like Cap, this very could well be Iron Man’s swan song.  If that is indeed the case, then Robert Downey, Jr. is going out on top.  He brings a lot of the emotional baggage of still being at odds with Cap in Civil War to the table, but he has other reasons (which I will not reveal) of not wanting to enter the fight.  Downey hits all the emotional high notes too, yet again knocking it out of the park.  

4)    Nebula.  Karen Gillan shines as Gamora’s grieving sister.  Wanting to take Thanos to task for dusting half the galactic population, she digs deeper here than in previous entries, exposing the raw, damaged, vulnerable side of her character we’ve never seen.  It’s truly one of the best performances of all the MCU movies.

5)    Black Widow.  For years we’ve seen glimpses of what makes Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) tick.  Here, grieving the loss of her fellow comrades, we see a new side of Widow:  Regret.  We also see how far she’s willing to go to put the past behind her and forge ahead into the future.  There’s one particular scene (again, which I won’t reveal) that got me a little choked up.

So, there you have it.  I’ve tried to be as un-spoiler-y as possible.  By now, the die-hards have already seen it (more than once).  I can’t quite call it the best Marvel Cinematic Universe movie of all time (there’s a LOT to take in, so I’ll have to give it multiple viewings before deciding on where it’ll land permanently), but it’s impossible to think that any Marvel fan will walk away disappointed.  That’s about the highest compliment I can give.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 
Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Avengers:  Endgame:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½  

2019 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:
Avengers:  Endgame:  ****
Alita:  Battle Angel:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***

Shazam!:  ***