WHAM BAM THANK YOU SPACEMAN (1975) **

William A. (Blackenstein) Levey directed this silly softcore sci-fi sex comedy.  Two aliens named Sergeant Jerkoff and Private Asshole come down to Earth to find women to help them propagate the species.  Whenever they spy on couples making love, they beam the women up to their ship just as they’re about to achieve orgasm and impregnate them with their lizard tongues.  Their first stop is Hollywood, where they visit a house of ill repute and get it on with a hooker played by Ilsa herself, Dyanne Thorne.  Other couples are found necking on Lovers Lane, on a movie set, and in a sheik’s harem.  

If you thought Blackenstein looked cheap, wait till you see this.  The costumes and sets are terrible, and the aliens’ masks are lame.  It is amusing to see unsuspecting tourists’ reactions to the aliens walking past the porno shops on Hollywood Boulevard though.  

Sheltered 21^st century viewers are likely to have a conniption during the extended, unfunny jokes made at the expense of gays.  I mean, I hate political correctness and all, but just having dudes in chintzy alien costumes dropping slurs won’t garner any laughs from anyone.  In fact, most of the aliens’ dialogue is flat-out dumb.  (“Finger-lickin’ good!”)  The only laughs come from the breathless, satisfied Earth women who say the title after the aliens have their way with them.

All this wouldn’t matter if the sex scenes were any good.  As it stands, the film features the standard issue bumping and grinding you’d expect from a cheap sexploitation picture.  Nothing more, nothing less.  (There’s also a XXX version that awkwardly inserts hardcore footage into the action.)  It’s always fun seeing Thorne on screen, and Russ Meyer starlet Haji appears briefly as a harem girl, but even their enormous talents can’t save this one.

AKA:  Erotic Encounters of the Best Kind.  AKA:  Erotic Encounters of the Fourth Kind.  

AWESOME LOTUS: MISTRESS OF THE MARTIAL ARTS (1983) * ½

Emily Ann (Lorraine Masterson) is a young farmgirl who’s perpetually picked on by her three ornery brothers.  She finally has enough of their shit, slaps a Bruce Lee poster on her bedroom wall, and begins training to become a Kung Fu ass-kicker (she bench-presses her bed as part of her training).  Emily Ann proceeds to kick her brothers’ asses before leaving home for good.  She then goes on to become Awesome Lotus, the world’s leading lady Kung Fu secret agent.  After her retirement, she is lured back into action to stop a madman who’s been assassinating supermodels. 

The farmhouse scene where Lotus kicks the crap out of her brothers is great.  Then we get an equally fun James Bond-inspired opening credits sequence.  In fact, the first five minutes of Awesome Lotus:  Mistress of the Martial Arts is… well… awesome.  Sadly, the next eighty-five minutes are anything but. 

Sure, there is a stray laugh here and there (like the subtitles gag and the flashes of “gratuitous gore” and “needless nudity”).  That’s just due to the law of averages because the jokes fly so fast and furious.  For every fun bit there’s about fifteen or twenty jokes that land with a thud.  An Airplane-style spoof of Kung Fu movies wasn’t a bad idea, but the low budget and half-assed fight scenes often make it look like a sub-Troma effort.  

A Fistful of Yen this is not.

The big problem is the best jokes are weighted towards the beginning.  There’s a musical number halfway through that just stops the movie on a dime.  From there, it completely runs out of gas, and the longer it painfully sputters along, the worse it gets. 

Director David O’Malley went on to write the much better erotic thriller spoof, Final Instinct.  

AKA:  Awesome Lotus.  AKA:  Enter the Bassett.  

PASSPORT TO DEATH (1968) ** ½

Passport to Death is a sequel to Blue Demon:  Destructor of Spies, which unfortunately I have not seen.  I have to admit:  Grafting a Lucha Libre movie onto a James Bond knockoff is a great idea.  Although the film briefly flirts with achieving awesomeness (the only Bondish gadget is a ring that shoots flames), it never fully realizes its potential.

A spy sneaks into a megalomaniacal villain’s high-tech lair.  His android creation blasts the spy with a deadly ray, severely injuring him.  He then contacts Blue Demon and his team of secret agents to stop the nefarious villain before he can take over the world with his dreaded earthquake machine. 

The villain’s lair is really cool and surprisingly well done, considering the low budget.  Imagine if Dr. Seuss designed a Bond villain’s hideout and that might give you a hint of how badass it is.  I also loved the “android”, who is nothing more than a guy in an astronaut suit that shoots lasers from his silver oven mitts.  The finale, in which Blue Demon goes toe to toe with the evil android, is a blast too.

Unfortunately, the movie is poorly paced in the early going.  Blue Demon turns in a fine performance, but the members of his team just aren’t engaging enough to hold the screen on their own.  Because of that, Passport to Death often falters whenever he isn’t front and center.  Like most of these things, there’s a completely gratuitous nightclub performance smack dab in the middle of the action.  While it totally wasn’t necessary, it’s funnier than the typical musical numbers found in the genre.

The wrestling scenes are more entertaining than the spy stuff, if you can believe it.  The first wrestling contest finds Blue Demon defeating his opponent, who is forced to have his head shaved as a penalty for losing the match.  The disgruntled opponent even takes to beating up the barber and members of the TV crew!  He later shows up interrupting Blue Demon’s second match, causing pandemonium in the process.  This ultimately sets up a rematch between the duo in the third act.

In most of these movies, the wrestling scenes are unrelated affairs that are more or less a bonus attraction as it gives the audience a chance to see their favorite wrestler doing what they do best.  That’s why the wrestling scenes in Passport to Death are such a nice change of pace.  It’s rare you get to see a storyline running throughout the wrestling sequences.  Because of that, Passport to Death earns a slightly higher ranking than your typical Lucha Libre flick, although it’s not quite enough to make it a winner.

AKA:  Blue Demon Faces Death.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BLUE DEMON VS. THE SATANIC POWER (1966) **

A killer is about to be executed for his crimes, so he puts himself in a trance to feign death.  He winds up being buried alive and rises from the grave fifty years later to take more victims with his hypnotic power.  One of his victims happens to be Blue Demon’s cousin, and the masked wrestler sets out to get revenge. 

Blue Demon vs. the Satanic Power is only seventy-seven minutes long, which makes it seem like it would move right along at a snappy pace.  I’m sad to report it does anything but.  This is one of the slowest Mexican wrestling movies I’ve watched lately.  It doesn’t help that the story is so thin that the filmmakers are forced to heavily pad the rest of the movie with four wrestling matches, two nightclub acts (one of which is a not-bad Lesley Gore impersonator), and even a dance sequence.  

The scenes with the killer are appropriately atmospheric.  I especially liked the use of shadows whenever he hypnotized his victims.  There’s even a moment of blatant sexuality when he makes a woman strip down to her bra and panties before some prolonged kissing in bed.  

Too bad the stuff with Blue Demon is so dull.  It’s not really his fault though.  I’d place the blame on the filmmakers for not giving him anything to do.  I mean, what can you say about a Mexican wrestling movie when your Mexican wrestler spends most of his time sitting alone in the dark reading?  The underwhelming action-free climax is a big letdown too, but at least the final shot is cool.  

Perhaps sensing Blue Demon wasn’t quite ready to topline his own solo feature, El Santo briefly shows up to give the movie a quick kick in the pants.  He’s shown wrestling in footage taken from (I think) Santo vs. the King of Crime and makes a cameo appearance when he stops by Blue Demon’s dressing room to say hi.  He should’ve stuck around longer because the picture really needed more of his swagger to make it come alive. 

SANTO VS. THE HEADHUNTERS (1971) **

El Santo does battle with some thugs who leave behind a mysterious dagger made of bone.  He has it checked out by an expert who believes it belongs to a tribe of headhunters who use it for sacrificial rites.  When the professor’s daughter is kidnapped by the tribe, El Santo joins the search party and treks through the jungle to find her. 

Santo vs. the Headhunters was directed by Rene Cardona, Sr., so you know it’s going to at least look good.  He gives us a great first shot during El Santo’s opening brawl and offers up a few interesting shots during the headhunter dance sequences.  However, he does little elsewhere to energize what is often a lethargic film. 

The early scenes set in Mexico are decent.  Once the action switches to the South American jungle, things get real dull, real quick.  The long scenes of El Santo and his team traipsing through the jungle are often done in one unbroken take.  Many of these scenes should’ve been edited down.  In fact, I think El Santo does as much walking in one movie as Frodo did in the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy!  Occasionally, a headhunter will poke its head out of the bushes to fire an arrow into a member of the expedition, which staves off some (but not all) of the boredom.

Another problem is El Santo doesn’t do any wrestling in the ring in this entry.  Cardona tries to make up for it by having him wrestle a crocodile underwater as well as a jaguar on dry land, but just isn’t the same though (especially when it’s obvious it’s just a stuntman wearing his mask).  I admire the attempt to change up the scenery a little and put everyone’s favorite masked Mexican wrestler into what’s essentially an old jungle picture, and the villains are different enough, I suppose.  It just that the interminable walking scenes zaps the film of much of its energy. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE VINEYARD (1989) ***

My man Lo Pan, James Hong co-wrote, co-directed, and stars in this batshit insane horror movie.  There’s a great scene early on that clues you in on the awesomeness to come.  Hong is in his island mansion banging his hot wife before he rapidly begins turning old.  (His old age make-up looks like a dime store version of the prosthetics he wore in Big Trouble in Little China, but that’s kind of what makes it look creepy.)  He retreats to his mad scientist lab down in the basement where he keeps a bunch of girls in skimpy outfits chained up.  He then uses their blood to make an elixir to give himself eternal youth (err… well… make himself look like the then sixty-year-old James Hong). 

After that amazing opening, the rest of The Vineyard kind of treads water.  It’s here when a group of would-be actors and actresses come to Hong’s island as part of a movie audition.  Really, he just wants them for his latest crop of victims.  It’s in these passages that the film feels most like a “typical” horror movie.  I’m not saying it’s bad by any means.  It just lacks the pizzazz of the early scenes where Hong’s hired guards Kung Fu and castrate infidels.  

The good news is, the finale that involves Hong trying to make the sexy Final Girl his new bride is more entertaining than the Scooby-Doo shit that populates the middle act.  Oh, and did I mention all the zombies that are buried in Hong’s vineyard that occasional dig themselves up and shuffle around the mansion like lost extras from the Thriller video?  It’s that everything-but-the-kitchen-sink approach that makes the movie so endearing.  

Overall, The Vineyard is wildly uneven, but there’s some vintage stuff here.  If only Hong could bottle the fun of the early scenes.  I can’t say the rest of the movie lives up to those moments, but that’s just sour grapes.  In the end, the film is so crazy you just have to raise your glass to it.

PASSION (2013) * ½

Christine (Rachel McAdams) and her protégée Isabelle (Noomi Rapace) work tirelessly together on a major ad campaign.  After their presentation is a huge success, Christine takes credit for Isabelle’s idea.  Isabelle soon learns there’s no end to her backstabbing ways. 

To give away any more would land me in Spoiler Jail.  Let’s just say things take a sharp left turn about halfway through.  The first half was no great shakes to begin with.  It’s almost as if we’re supposed to be shocked by McAdams’ behavior when she’s really no different than any corporate yuppie slimeball that have populated cinema since the ‘80s.  At least these scenes coast on McAdams’ engaging bitchiness.  Unfortunately, the second half rests so heavily on Rapace’s erratic performance that it really never stood a chance.  (Her big emotional breakdown is almost comical.)

Passion was directed by the great Brian De Palma, but this is far from a great Brian De Palma picture.  It’s a remake of the French film, Love Crime, and he does succeed in giving the movie a very European feel.  However, it’s just far too dull to really click.  Although the first half is clearly the stronger half, it doesn’t feel like it was directed by De Palma at all.  After the twist occurs, it becomes more of a typical De Palma jam… it’s just that it’s far too fractured and all over the place to really work.    

I mean there’s nothing I love more than a De Palma split-screen sequence.  It pains me to report that the split-screen scene in Passion is among his worst.  If you’re going to do a split-screen shot, at least make both sides of the screen compelling.  Filling half the screen with a lot of inane ballet shit doesn’t do anyone any favors.  I mean I get WHY he’s showing it to us, but that doesn’t make it very cinematic, especially when all someone had to say was, “She went to the ballet” and it would’ve sufficed.

While it’s nice to see De Palma playing in his sandbox again, he brings nothing new to the table.  Nowhere is this more apparent than the ending, which is nothing more than one long cinematic jerk-off leading to a frustrating-as-fuck it-was-all-a-dream bullshit cop-out final shot.  I was a little balder than I was at the start of the movie because the ending made me pull my fucking hair out.