TERMINATOR: DARK FATE (2019) ***

Terminator:  Dark Fate is basically The Force Awakens… but with Terminators.  It’s the same shit, new generation.  It really doesn’t offer die-hard Terminator fans anything we haven’t already seen before.  Well, except that the new Terminator (Gabriel Luna) looks like shit.  I don’t mean that in a derogatory manner.  I mean it literally looks like shit.  Like the T-1000 in T2, it squirts, leaks, and drizzles around, but instead of being a cool silver color, it’s diarrhea black.   The Terminator’s target, Dani (Natalia Reyes) isn’t much different than the Sarah Connor of old, and her protector, Grace (Mackenzie Davis) is only a slight variation on Sam Worthington’s character from Terminator:  Salvation. 

The one thing we haven’t seen in a Terminator flick happens early on.  I won’t spoil it, but it’s a pretty ballsy move.  Too bad that’s about as ballsy as the movie gets.  From then on, it just becomes another retread.  An entertaining retread, to be sure, and yet the feeling of déjà vu is still unshakeable.

It’s just so good having Linda Hamilton back as Sarah Connor that it’s easy to overlook some of the film’s flaws.  She’s been away for a while, but she hasn’t lost a step as she immediately shows she can still kick major ass.  There’s enough built-in goodwill from her presence alone to carry Dark Fate over its clunkier passages.  

The movie, unfortunately, has a few of those.  The good news is, it picks up considerably once Arnold finally shows up, and when he does, he steals the show.  You wouldn’t guess what he’s been up to all those years and I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it for you.  All I’ll say is that his present vocation makes for some of the biggest laughs in the entire film.  His tense scenes with Hamilton give Dark Fate an edge the last few sequels have sorely lacked.

The problem is, like The Force Awakens, the new characters aren’t nearly as endearing as their elders.  I guess it doesn’t help that they spend most of their time running around.  Still, Michael Biehn did the same thing back in ’84 and he managed to give us a fully fleshed-out character you could root for.  

As portrayed by Luna, the new Terminator lacks the menace of the previous incarnations.  Grace does what she can with her underwritten role and handles herself just fine in the action sequences.  Likewise, Reyes makes for a serviceable lead, even if her big change of character feels a bit rushed in the finale.

I know we’ve waited a long time for James Cameron to come back to the franchise.  Unfortunately, what he has to offer are only tweaked reworkings of not only his films,  but the sequels he had nothing to do with.  Then again, maybe that’s the point.  Because of its very nature, the Terminator timeline is doomed to keep repeating itself again and again.  The alternate timelines will keep skewing further and further into the future until everyone involved with the original is long gone.

There’s a good chance of that happening too as there’s enough rousing moments here to remind us there’s still some life in the long-running franchise.  While Dark Fate lacks the wham-bam action of T3, the grittiness of Salvation, and the sheer goofiness of Genisys, it has its own identity, even when it’s recycling bits from the previous films.  Despite his abbreviated screen time, Arnold still gets some good lines and kicks ass (albeit belatedly), and for many Terminator fans (or at least me), that’s ultimately what matters most. 

SUBSTITUTION (1970) ***

Meek radio salesman Henry (Chuck Sailor) is perpetually flustered by his co-workers’ low-cut tops.  After a hard day at work, he comes home to his nagging wife Alice (Patrice Nastasia) who complains about their nonexistent sex life.  Henry’s pal advises him to visit a sex guru to help with his problems.  He teaches Henry the art of “cosmic substitution” in which he can imagine his wife as any woman he wants.  

Substitution is the debut film from Walt (Evil Come Evil Go) Davis.  It has your typical nudie-cutie set-up, but what makes it interesting is that it spends more time with his characters than most softcore films of the day.  You really get to know Henry and sympathize with his plight before he goes off on his wild sex adventure.  The film makes some pointed, funny, and still relevant observations about married life too.  It also contains some very big laughs (like Henry’s misadventures at the beach).  Because of that, it’s much better than your average grindhouse flick.  

Some scenes go on a bit too long (like when Alice goes lingerie shopping and receives a mini-fashion show inside the store), and the whole thing gets a bit repetitive near the end.  It also takes quite a while before the softcore action kicks into gear.  However, since it works on levels that most skin flicks don’t even attempt to operate on, it’s an acceptable trade-off.  Not only that, but some scenes flirt with XXX as there are some near-hardcore close-ups that add to the overall titillation factor.

Naturally, it all ends in a predictable fashion.  I’m sure you probably already guessed how Henry will receive his eventual comeuppance.  The surprising thing is, Davis still manages to make the final punchline funny, even when you know exactly where’s it going.

In short, there’s no substitute for Substitution.  It is truly a lost gem.  I think viewers that normally would steer clear of early ‘70s sexploitation would even get a kick out of it.

BLUE DEMON: DESTRUCTOR OF SPIES (1968) ***

A mad villain kills a noted professor and steals his secret formula for a lethal gas, which he intends to turn loose on the entire world.  Meanwhile, some bad guys pay off Blue Demon’s opponents to kill him in the ring during a tag-team match.  Naturally, he gets the upper hand and handily defeats them.  He is then recruited by a duo of spies to help them take the megalomaniacal villain down.  

Blue Demon:  Destructor of Spies is a groovy Bond-influenced Lucha Libre movie.  It features plenty of cool gadgets you’d expect from a ‘60s spy flick.  There’s a false tooth that contains microfilm, a killer television set, a trumpet that shoots poisoned darts, and a flamethrower ring that also appeared in the sequel, Passport to Death.  I also liked the scene where the bad guy’s henchmen were running around in wetsuits, making them look like Diabolik rip-offs.  

There’s also plenty of Mexican wrestling to go around as Blue Demon has no less than three wrestling matches.  As with most of these films, the bad guys send an assassin to kill Blue Demon in the ring, not once but TWICE.  What makes one assassination attempt different than your typical Blue Demon flick is that the assassin uses a blow dart this time out instead of a sniper rifle.  The fights that take place outside the squared circle occur at a steady clip too (my favorite being the brawl in a funeral home), so there’s plenty of action to go around.

We also get FOUR completely unnecessary musical numbers.  Most of them feature a Beatles knockoff band that pays back-up to the lead singers.  Far and away the most bizarre dance sequence involves two Asian women in gold lame dresses dancing with a booty-shaking marionette.  It’s this level of WTF nuttiness that keeps me coming back to these Mexican wrestling flicks time after time.

It’s not all great.  Whenever Blue Demon isn’t on screen, the picture tends to drag a bit.  At least the scenes with the fetching Maura Monte provide enough eye candy to prevent the doldrums from setting in.  Still, as far as Blue Demon’s solo adventures go, this is one of his best outings.

AKA:  Blue Demon, Spy Smasher.  

SPACE THING (1968) ***

A neglected wife chastises her husband for reading too many sci-fi magazines before bed until he finally puts the books down and gives it to her good.  After she falls asleep, he grabs a magazine and imagines himself as the captain of a spaceship.  He winds up adrift in space and is taken in by an alien vessel populated mostly by sexy women.  They promptly throw him in the brig, but by using visibility pills, he spies on them to study their lovemaking habits.  Eventually, he gets in on the action himself.

The opening scene with the husband and wife goes on forever, but it’s not without its charms.  In fact, it takes such a long time for the opening credits to pop up that it makes me think this scene was added to the picture in post-production to pad out the running time.  (It would be only an hour long without this sequence.)  The credits sequence is very ‘60s as the titles are nothing more than nude women posing with the (fake) names of the cast and crew painted onto their naked frames.  

The direction by Byron (She Freak) Mabe is just inept enough to border on brilliance.  His use of jump cuts and continuity errors, along with the awkward line readings by the cast, and the snazzy sets and funny costumes makes for an entertaining romp.  What’s most important is that despite the technical limitations of the production, he still manages to deliver some steamy softcore action.  The highlight comes when Captain Mother (Cara Peters) makes like an out of this world dominatrix and whips a naughty crew member (Merci Montello) for having sex with a man.  

Once the crew lands on a mysterious planet, the fun begins to dry up.  That’s mostly due to the fact that a lot of precious screen time is spent on them endlessly wandering around and scoping out the planet’s surface.  The ending, unfortunately, sucks too.  Luckily, there’s still enough steamy sex scenes in the third act (including a great lesbian oil massage scene) to make it all worthwhile.  As a bonus, all of them take place outdoors in broad daylight, which adds to the fun.  Even though it gets spottier as it goes along, Space Thing gives you enough sexy sci-fi silliness to keep you engaged.  

AKA:  Erotic Space Thing.  AKA:  Erotic Space Women.

WHAM BAM THANK YOU SPACEMAN (1975) **

William A. (Blackenstein) Levey directed this silly softcore sci-fi sex comedy.  Two aliens named Sergeant Jerkoff and Private Asshole come down to Earth to find women to help them propagate the species.  Whenever they spy on couples making love, they beam the women up to their ship just as they’re about to achieve orgasm and impregnate them with their lizard tongues.  Their first stop is Hollywood, where they visit a house of ill repute and get it on with a hooker played by Ilsa herself, Dyanne Thorne.  Other couples are found necking on Lovers Lane, on a movie set, and in a sheik’s harem.  

If you thought Blackenstein looked cheap, wait till you see this.  The costumes and sets are terrible, and the aliens’ masks are lame.  It is amusing to see unsuspecting tourists’ reactions to the aliens walking past the porno shops on Hollywood Boulevard though.  

Sheltered 21^st century viewers are likely to have a conniption during the extended, unfunny jokes made at the expense of gays.  I mean, I hate political correctness and all, but just having dudes in chintzy alien costumes dropping slurs won’t garner any laughs from anyone.  In fact, most of the aliens’ dialogue is flat-out dumb.  (“Finger-lickin’ good!”)  The only laughs come from the breathless, satisfied Earth women who say the title after the aliens have their way with them.

All this wouldn’t matter if the sex scenes were any good.  As it stands, the film features the standard issue bumping and grinding you’d expect from a cheap sexploitation picture.  Nothing more, nothing less.  (There’s also a XXX version that awkwardly inserts hardcore footage into the action.)  It’s always fun seeing Thorne on screen, and Russ Meyer starlet Haji appears briefly as a harem girl, but even their enormous talents can’t save this one.

AKA:  Erotic Encounters of the Best Kind.  AKA:  Erotic Encounters of the Fourth Kind.  

AWESOME LOTUS: MISTRESS OF THE MARTIAL ARTS (1983) * ½

Emily Ann (Lorraine Masterson) is a young farmgirl who’s perpetually picked on by her three ornery brothers.  She finally has enough of their shit, slaps a Bruce Lee poster on her bedroom wall, and begins training to become a Kung Fu ass-kicker (she bench-presses her bed as part of her training).  Emily Ann proceeds to kick her brothers’ asses before leaving home for good.  She then goes on to become Awesome Lotus, the world’s leading lady Kung Fu secret agent.  After her retirement, she is lured back into action to stop a madman who’s been assassinating supermodels. 

The farmhouse scene where Lotus kicks the crap out of her brothers is great.  Then we get an equally fun James Bond-inspired opening credits sequence.  In fact, the first five minutes of Awesome Lotus:  Mistress of the Martial Arts is… well… awesome.  Sadly, the next eighty-five minutes are anything but. 

Sure, there is a stray laugh here and there (like the subtitles gag and the flashes of “gratuitous gore” and “needless nudity”).  That’s just due to the law of averages because the jokes fly so fast and furious.  For every fun bit there’s about fifteen or twenty jokes that land with a thud.  An Airplane-style spoof of Kung Fu movies wasn’t a bad idea, but the low budget and half-assed fight scenes often make it look like a sub-Troma effort.  

A Fistful of Yen this is not.

The big problem is the best jokes are weighted towards the beginning.  There’s a musical number halfway through that just stops the movie on a dime.  From there, it completely runs out of gas, and the longer it painfully sputters along, the worse it gets. 

Director David O’Malley went on to write the much better erotic thriller spoof, Final Instinct.  

AKA:  Awesome Lotus.  AKA:  Enter the Bassett.  

PASSPORT TO DEATH (1968) ** ½

Passport to Death is a sequel to Blue Demon:  Destructor of Spies, which unfortunately I have not seen.  I have to admit:  Grafting a Lucha Libre movie onto a James Bond knockoff is a great idea.  Although the film briefly flirts with achieving awesomeness (the only Bondish gadget is a ring that shoots flames), it never fully realizes its potential.

A spy sneaks into a megalomaniacal villain’s high-tech lair.  His android creation blasts the spy with a deadly ray, severely injuring him.  He then contacts Blue Demon and his team of secret agents to stop the nefarious villain before he can take over the world with his dreaded earthquake machine. 

The villain’s lair is really cool and surprisingly well done, considering the low budget.  Imagine if Dr. Seuss designed a Bond villain’s hideout and that might give you a hint of how badass it is.  I also loved the “android”, who is nothing more than a guy in an astronaut suit that shoots lasers from his silver oven mitts.  The finale, in which Blue Demon goes toe to toe with the evil android, is a blast too.

Unfortunately, the movie is poorly paced in the early going.  Blue Demon turns in a fine performance, but the members of his team just aren’t engaging enough to hold the screen on their own.  Because of that, Passport to Death often falters whenever he isn’t front and center.  Like most of these things, there’s a completely gratuitous nightclub performance smack dab in the middle of the action.  While it totally wasn’t necessary, it’s funnier than the typical musical numbers found in the genre.

The wrestling scenes are more entertaining than the spy stuff, if you can believe it.  The first wrestling contest finds Blue Demon defeating his opponent, who is forced to have his head shaved as a penalty for losing the match.  The disgruntled opponent even takes to beating up the barber and members of the TV crew!  He later shows up interrupting Blue Demon’s second match, causing pandemonium in the process.  This ultimately sets up a rematch between the duo in the third act.

In most of these movies, the wrestling scenes are unrelated affairs that are more or less a bonus attraction as it gives the audience a chance to see their favorite wrestler doing what they do best.  That’s why the wrestling scenes in Passport to Death are such a nice change of pace.  It’s rare you get to see a storyline running throughout the wrestling sequences.  Because of that, Passport to Death earns a slightly higher ranking than your typical Lucha Libre flick, although it’s not quite enough to make it a winner.

AKA:  Blue Demon Faces Death.