LITTLE BI PEEP (2013) ** ½

Emma (Anna Shields, who also wrote the screenplay and co-directed) works a dead-end job at an adult video store.  Her job description says she must wear a sexy Halloween costume (including a sexy Little Bo Peep get-up) to work, but when she’s there, she mostly just smokes and glowers at the creepy customers.  Emma lives alone with her dog (who often shits on the floor, much to her indifference), and when she goes out, she usually hooks up with girls (and guys) whom she immediately ditches.  When she meets Mason (Sara Jecko), a guy who’s hiding an obvious secret, it threatens her miserable existence with a glimmer of happiness.

The title makes it sound like it’s going to be a nursey rhyme-themed softcore sex spoof, but Little Bi Peep is actually an earnest (if uneven) low budget indie LGBTQ comedy/drama.  It’s mostly a slice-of-life tale of a woman who’s still figuring things out.  Even though she’s got some serious issues in her past she’s still reconciling with that’s preventing her from achieving true happiness, she remains a likeable wiseass about it most of the time, which makes the audience root for her.

The adult store scenes are the best, mostly because they play like a gender-swapped version of Clerks.  Unfortunately, the laughs are few and far between, but Shields’ performance keeps you watching throughout the lulls.  I also have to give her credit for the clever ending that manages to defy the standard romantic comedy trappings and for dealing with broken characters in a realistic fashion.  While it’s far from perfect, it’s a nice enough effort all the same.  

JOE BULLET (1973) ** ½

Joe Bullet is a ‘70s South African action movie made during the time of the American Blaxploitation craze.  Soon after its release, it was suppressed by the vile apartheid government and remained unseen for decades.  Thankfully, for fans of ‘70s black action films it has resurfaced.  I can’t say it’s a classic or anything, but I’m certainly glad it exists and can be seen by viewers all around the world.

A shadowy underworld figure is intimidating the Eagles soccer team in hopes of getting them to bow out of a big championship match.  After one of their coaches are murdered, the manager turns to a badass named Joe Bullet (Ken Gampu) to protect his players.  Not only does Joe kick the bad guys’ asses, he kicks the soccer ball around as he also helps coach the team!  Did you ever see Shaft do that?  I don’t think so!

Joe Bullet gives you just about everything you could possibly want from a Blaxploitation movie.  There’s a kickass theme song, Kung Fu, some fine action beats, and a few cheesy/cool moments (like when the villain turns a poisonous snake loose on Joe).  What makes Joe a bit different than a Shaft or a Superfly is he’s also a master of disguise!  Oh, and even though his name is “Joe Bullet”, he seems just as handy with a knife.  In fact, he kills so many people with a knife that it makes me wonder why they didn’t call him Joe Blade. 

Like Shaft, the film starts out great, but the pacing drags in the second half.  The film is also riddled with jump cuts.  I’m not sure if that was due to the government cutting stuff out or if it was just the filmmakers’ own mistakes or what.  I do know it gets distracting sometimes.  The action is a bit uneven as the movie enters the third act, and the Climbing Villain finale ends abruptly.  Still, it hangs together well enough thanks to a good central performance by Gampu.  

I can’t say for sure if Joe Bullet is the definitive South African Blaxploitation movie, but it’s certainly the best one I’ve seen. 

TEEN TITANS GO! VS. TEEN TITANS (2019) *** ½

I don’t usually go in for these straight-to-DVD DC animated movies, but as a fan of Teen Titans Go!, this was hard to resist.  After all, this (spoiler) team-up between the two beloved versions of the Titans was already teased in the post-credits scene of Teen Titans Go! to the Movies.  Since that was one of my favorite movies of last year, there was very little doubt I’d be checking this one out. 

It feels more like an extended episode of Teen Titans Go! than the old show, which is sure to alienate some viewers.  As a fan of Go! I thought it was fun, if at times slight.  It’s not up to the same standards as Go! to the Movies, but it’s about on par with a better-than-average episode of the series.  That is to say there are a lot of laughs to be had.

The plot is similar in some ways to Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse.  The Titans’ arch-enemy Trigon tries to take over the Infinite Earths by pitting the two versions of the Teen Titans against each other.  Naturally, the heroes can’t stand one another, but they eventually put their differences aside to work together to stop Trigon. 

If you love Teen Titans Go! you’re sure to have fun with this.  They still sing, make poop jokes, and make fun of the DC Universe.  This results in some big laughs.  There are also plenty of callbacks to the show that fans like me are sure to appreciate, including one especially great nod to one of my favorite episodes, The Night Begins to Shine.  However, it probably won’t win over fans of the original Teen Titans as they are strictly supporting characters.  Still, they get enough moments here and there (particularly Raven) that should please fans jonesing for some old school Teen Titans action. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SATANS LUST (1971) ***

George “Buck” Flower presides over a Satanist ritual in which a woman is tied down spread eagle while another babe bangs her with a strap-on.  She’s then forced to suck another Satanist until he jizzes on her chest while a clap of thunder is heard in the background.  The woman is then sacrificed by being set on fire.  Then the plot begins.  

Her friends (Judy Angel and Jim Mathers) think her death is suspicious so they decide to investigate, but not after they fuck.  They eventually find out that Flower is using his movie production studio as a front to lure girls into becoming sacrifices for Satan.  Judy then goes undercover (in both senses of the word) to get close to Buck, but will Jim be able to save her in time?

For only being 66 minutes long, Satans Lust (there’s no apostrophe on the title card) crams in lots of scenes of hardcore action in a short amount of time.  Not only are the Satanic S & M scenes hot, the vanilla ones manage to be pretty decent too.  The whole movie looks scuzzy and grimy, but the sex scenes manages to still titillate despite (or perhaps because of) the dingy atmosphere.  Even though the picture looks cheap and decrepit, the director (who’s uncredited, but was probably Flower) gives us one cool camera shot that looks all the way up Angel’s dress that shows a little more flair than your typical early ‘70s hardcore film.

The scenes that combine sex and horror work the best.  There’s a wild scene where a lady Satanist uses a candle as a marital aid and winds up turning into a skeleton while in the throes of passion.  The subliminal shots of the pig-faced Lucifer leering during the action are effective too.  

If you’re watching it for laughs, there’s plenty of those to be had.  The overdramatic headshaking, hair-flipping climaxes during the tender love scene between Angel and Mathers while majestic music plays in the background is downright hilarious.  Equally funny is the use of Muzak during the sex scenes.  There’s not one, but THREE Muzak versions of Beatles’ songs played.  (“I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, “Good Day Sunshine”, and “Yellow Submarine”).  My favorite bit was the blowjob scene set to “I Will Follow Him”.  You know how that old song goes:  “I love him, I love him, and where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow”?  I had fun making up my own lyrics:  “I blow him, I blow him, and when he cums I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow”.  The filmmakers even steal whole chunks of score from Ennio Morricone’s score for The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for good measure.

AKA:  Night of the Warlock.

THE BAD BUNCH (1973) ** ½

Jim (writer/director Greydon Clark) returns home from Vietnam.  His first order of business is to honor the memory of his fallen soldier friend by going to Watts and deliver his last letter home to his father.  His brother Tom (Tom Johnigarn) has become a black militant who calls himself “Makimba” and wants no part of the white man and his war.  The two butt heads on the topics of race and Vietnam, and their confrontation draws the attention of two racist cops (played by Aldo Ray and Jock Mahoney) who perpetually harass him.  Blaming Jim for his problems with The Man, Makimba decides to get payback on his perceived enemy. 

Clark’s approach to the hot-button topics of race and Vietnam is earnest, but clunky.  He tries to show both sides of racial inequality with uneven results.  He even takes time to show that his own character isn’t exactly a good guy as he pushes away his fiancée (played by Clark’s wife Jaqulin Cole) for another woman (ill-fated sexploitation star Bambi Allen) and drinks heavily.  He also paints the character as idealistic, but ultimately stupid as he wants Makimba to understand where he’s coming from but is too naive to take the hint that he’s not wanted. 

Makimba is equally stubborn as he refuses to accept help from Clark or his own father.  Still, his actions are understandable, especially once he’s been pushed so much by the cops.  Naturally, it all ends tragically, accompanied by a Martin Luther King, Jr. quote. 

Clark certainly knows his way around the Blaxploitation genre.  His next picture was the much better Black Shampoo, which was a lot more fun.  Even though he’s trying to make a sensitive, thought-provoking picture, he still manages to deliver on the exploitation goods as there’s plenty of nudity on display.  (In the film’s best scene, Makimba and his crew crash a ritzy white party and start skinny-dipping.)  This was an honest attempt to make a message picture wrapped inside of exploitation trappings, but it’s never wholly successful.  When it does work, you can see what Clark was trying to achieve.  It’s not bad though, and it’s certainly ambitious.  It’s just the cast (many of whom are amateurish) wasn’t quite skilled enough to bring it all together.

AKA:  Tom.  AKA:  The Brothers.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (1980) **

Kirk Douglas stars as the captain of the U.S.S. Nimitz.  While out in the ocean on maneuvers, the ship goes through a wormhole and winds up in 1941 on the eve of the Pearl Harbor attack.  Together with his commanders (James Farentino and Ron “Superfly” O’Neal) and a naval observer (Martin Sheen), Douglas must decide if they should try to stop the attack.

This is your basic paradoxical conundrum.  If you act, you change the course of history.  If you stand idly by, hundreds of people are going to be killed. 

The answer the characters come up with is somewhere in the middle.  They decide to play it safe and not to rock the boat too much (no pun intended).  Unfortunately, so does the movie. 

The Final Countdown has a great idea for a movie, but unfortunately, that’s all it ever is, an idea.  This plot could’ve easily filled a half-hour Twilight Zone episode.  At over 100 minutes, it’s just too dull to take advantage of its admittedly intriguing concept.  It also takes forever to unfurl its premise.  You’ll probably find your patience dwindling even before the crew figures out what’s happened and where they are.  You know you’re in trouble when the characters’ hypothetical historical conversations are more engaging than what little action occurs.

Much of the problem stems from having to sit through a lot of aircraft carrier bullshit.  If you’re fascinated by naval procedures and protocols, then you’ll probably love it.  To me though, all the shots of helicopters taking off and jets landing were tedious.  It’s as if the filmmakers thought watching the routine of Navy pilots and personnel walking around the ship could be substituted for “character development”.  (If you think these scenes feel like something out of a naval recruitment video; you’re half right:  The movie wars later used to lure people into joining up.)

Oh well, at least future president of Troma, Lloyd Kaufman has a bit part as a crewman.  

AKA:  U.S.S. Nimitz:  Lost in the Pacific.

FEMALE SLAVES’ REVENGE (1997) * ½

Right from the get-go, you know you’re in for… something.   Director Ted V. Mikels appears on screen to introduce the movie, stating:  “This film is about man’s inhumanity to man!”  Then we get a long scene of wildlife footage superimposed over a globe.  After that, there’s an even longer opening crawl set against some cheesy CGI flames that sets up the premise. 

A slave revolt in an unnamed African nation leads to a decree that says all white plantation owners must flee and relinquish their land to their servants. A white landowner played by Mikels, in what is probably his biggest role, refuses to leave and continues to treat his servants cruelly.  Before long, they capture him and put him on trial (in his living room) for his assorted injustices. 

Female Slaves’ Revenge is thematically similar to Mikels’ The Black Klansman, but it’s sorely lacking the gut punch fun (not to mention basic competency) of that film. There’s so much whipping, bondage, and trampling going on here that you have to wonder if the movie was just an excuse for Mikels to act out his kinky fantasies on film.  The chintzy on-screen titles and crappy camcorder cinematography makes it feel more like a cheap bondage video than a real motion picture.  A cheap bondage video with an anti-apartheid message that caters to the white guilt race play market.  That is one very specific kink.

Mikels also throws in a lot of random cutaways to a torrential downpour that’s occurring around the property.  I don’t know why it’s important to let us know it’s raining every five minutes.  The footage is so gratuitous, it makes me suspect Mikels took an old video of flood damage he made for insurance purposes and edited it into the movie. 

All this goes on for an excruciating 83 minutes.  It might’ve sneaked by with a ** rating, but the long vote-casting scenes when the women decide Mikes’ fate go on forever.  Still, if you’ve sat through as many bad Mikels movies as I have, you might enjoy seeing him being whipped and abused.  

As bad as Female Slaves’ Revenge is, I don’t think anyone else could’ve made it.  It’s distinctly Mikels in just about every way.  If that isn’t a sign of a true auteur filmmaker, I don’t know what is. 

AKA:  Apartheid Slave-Women’s Justice.