THE MARINE 5: BATTLEGROUND (2017) ** ½

WrestleMania was this weekend.  While I haven’t followed wrestling in a long time, I still watch WWE’s DTV action movies on a semi-regular basis.  To celebrate this year’s WrestleMania, I figured I’d watch a WWE flick I haven’t seen yet.  After much deliberation, I finally settled on The Marine 5:  Battleground.  The fact that I haven’t seen The Marine 4, and have only hazy recollections of the three previous Marines didn’t stop me from checking it out.  Turns out it was a hair or two better than you’d expect.

The Marine (Mike “The Miz” Mizanin) is now working as an EMT.  On his first night on the job, he gets a call to an abandoned amusement park where he finds a gunshot wound victim in dire need of medical attention.  Unfortunately for him and his partner (Anna Van Hooft), their patient just pulled a hit on the leader of a nefarious biker gang, and his loyal legion of motorcycle-riding marauders are in hot pursuit.  

The set-up is actually pretty great.  It’s basically Assault on Precinct Beverly Hills Cop 3.  Too bad much of the action takes place in a parking garage.  Although it never quite lives up to its potential and features very little amusement park action (probably due to budget constraints), we do get a great scene where The Miz squares off with a biker baddie in a haunted house ride.  It’s also odd that the finale takes place in an office building that’s under construction.  I guess they couldn’t get a permit to film on the rollercoaster.  

Luckily, the fight scenes are handled well enough.  The camerawork isn’t of the shaky-cam variety, and the editor resists the temptation to cut the fights to ribbons.  They also feature all the wrestling moves in everyday places you’d expect from one of these things.  I particularly liked the fight scene where The Miz tussles with a badass biker babe (WWE wrestler Naomi) that STARTS with him sizzling her with defibrillator paddles, which annoys her more than anything.  Naomi has a striking appearance and is more than capable in her fight with The Miz.  Hopefully, she’ll get her own WWE DTV action vehicle somewhere down the line.

They’ll never be another “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, that’s for sure, but as wrestlers-turned-action-heroes go, The Miz isn’t too bad.  What he lacks in charisma he makes up for in physical prowess.  I probably wouldn’t miss the chance to see him in The Marine 6 (which is a thing that actually exists).  

MEMORY: THE ORIGINS OF ALIEN (2019) ***

If you’re like me, and you’re a nut for all things Alien, you should enjoy this documentary that chronicles the inspirations behind director Ridley Scott’s legendary 1979 film.  Despite the wealth of material already out there, this flick still manages to find some new nuggets of information revolving around the creation of Scott’s modern classic.  That said, it also feels curiously unfinished, and will undoubtedly leave you wanting more. 

The most involving stuff details the inspirations behind Dan O’Bannon’s screenplay.  The motion comics versions of the old EC Comics science fiction tales are particularly enlightening.  It’s also fun seeing clips from ‘50s sci-fi movies like It!  The Terror from Beyond Space, which Alien cribs from quite a bit.  We also get to see how O’Bannon’s work on John Carpenter’s Dark Star and his collaboration with Alejandro Jodorowsky on the aborted film adaptation of Dune informed the conceptualization of Alien. 

While some of this is quite fascinating, the concentration is a bit off.  Although they do discuss the character of Ripley and her importance as a strong female in cinema, the film strangely glosses over Sigourney Weaver’s personal contribution.  (She’s also conspicuously absent from the interviewees.)  Also, we get a long scene detailing the creation of the chestburster (there’s a deep dive into the work of Francis Bacon, whose paintings inspired the chestburster, although it seems a bit superfluous) but no mention of Carlo Rambaldi’s work on the Alien suit itself.  H.R. Giger is rightly lauded for his creature design and being largely the inspiration behind the film’s look.  However, no credit is given to Rambaldi for bringing the monster to life, which is odd.  The filmmakers also have to resort to borrowing interview footage of Scott and O’Bannon from other, better docs. 

Still, those are mostly just quibbles in an otherwise informative and entertaining documentary.  There’s enough cool shit here to warrant a watch, especially for Alien fans.  Sure, I wish it was a bit more exhaustive, but at its best, it’s a fine tribute to the legendary Dan O’Bannon. 

AKA:  Memory.

BAD BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL (1975) ***

A woman turns to sassy and strong attorney Eva Taylor (Gwen Barbee) to help her boyfriend beat a murder rap.  Almost immediately, you’ve kind of got to love Eva.  For starters, there weren’t many (in any) women of color attorneys seen on the silver screen in the ‘70s, let alone as the main character.  She’s certainly the only attorney I know of who has a large poster of W.C. Fields hanging in her office.  Because of that alone, she’d be the first lawyer I’d call if I was in a jam!  

Bad Black and Beautiful is a sloppy but charming bargain basement Blaxploitation action drama with some good ideas, a progressive stance, and some of the most slipshod filmmaking I’ve seen in a long time.  Sure, there’s not much here in the way of craftsmanship, but that’s kind of what I dug about it.  It’s just as scrappy and independent as its main character. 

Let me give you an idea how awesome this movie is:  Not only is Eva a well-respected lawyer by day, she’s a race car driver by night!  We know that because of the blurry stock footage of a race followed by a brief shot of her getting out of a car and being handed a trophy.  Incredible.  

Seriously, the way writer/director Bobby Davis repurposes stock footage would make Ed Wood envious.  For instance, when Eva’s client tells her about her boyfriend’s stint in Nam, her narration is played over a bunch of grainy unrelated war footage.   The best scene though is when Eva and her boyfriend get in a plane.  Sure, most movies would resort to using stock footage for a simple scene of a plane taking flight, but how many use stock footage of planes for the scene where the heroine introduces her boyfriend to the Mile High Club while surf music plays on the soundtrack?  

Oh, and did I mention her boyfriend is ALSO the star reporter of the local newspaper AND her rival on the stock car circuit? 

As fun as most of Bad Black and Beautiful (there’s no comma on the title screen) is, it does stall out a bit in the second half when the focus shifts to a private detective character who helps Eva search for a missing prostitute.  It’s here when too many unnecessary supporting players and superfluous subplots start to gum up the works.  During this section of the film, Eva disappears for long stretches at a time, which doesn’t help either.  (It sometimes feels like two unfinished movies cobbled together.)  The good news is there’s plenty of nudity to keep you from being bored.  

The second half is also padded with musical performances, which are at least good for a laugh.  Barbee sings a number in a bar with all the soul of a Lawrence Welk backup singer.  The awfully dubbed blues number is pretty funny too.

My favorite bit though might be the over the top romantic interlude where Eva and her boyfriend feed the ducks, have a picnic, and ride a seesaw together.  Just when you think it can’t get any nuttier, along comes the jaw-dropping courtroom shootout finale.  I kind of wish there had been more action throughout the picture (we do get a crummy Kung Fu scene though), but there’s so many laughs to be had here that I can say without a doubt that fans of no-budget Blaxploitation will thoroughly enjoy Bad Black and Beautiful as much as I did.

AKA:  Mob War.

HOODLUM GIRLS (1944) **

Katy (Joy Reese) is a goody-two-shoes teenybopper who becomes indignant when her bad girl sister Laura (Kay Morley) stays out late with her older louse boyfriend Al (Michael Owen) who says things like, “Laura’s free and just old enough for me!”  Al is a burgeoning criminal who urges Laura to steal her father’s gun so he can go out and commit armed robberies.  To curb the alarming rise of juvenile delinquency, a friendly cop named Amy (Mary Arden) encourages the community open up a “milk bar” so the wild and wooly teens have a place to blow off steam (and for the movie to showcase superfluous musical numbers to pad out the running time).  Things become complicated when Al and his gang spikes the punch at the milk bar and causes the teens to become a bunch of lushes.  The cops quickly swoop in and shut the place down.  When Al refuses to marry Laura, she pulls her father’s gun on him, and predictably, it ends tragically for everyone.    

While Hoodlum Girls isn’t exactly what you would call “good”, it’s certainly interesting.  It’s basically an early example of a Juvenile Delinquent movie  (it was released around the same time as I Accuse My Parents), but it also takes some cues from the “Scare Films” of the decade before, although it’s not nearly as explicit.  We do get a suggestive shot of Morley wearing a revealing (for the time) slip though.  Since it has a foot in each genre, it never quite has the pull those films usually have.  (Never mind the fact, there’s only one damned Hoodlum Girl.)

Like the Scare Films, the scenes of blatant sermonizing are shockingly dated, and therefore quite funny.  Yes, while most of the blame is thrown at the parents for their lack of guidance, the teenage girls are also taken to task for “not taking an interesting in making a home”.  Hey, no one said these things were progressive.  

Hoodlum Girls also acts as a precursor to the Rock n’ Roll movies of the ‘50s as the structure is awfully similar.  The plot stops cold for several musical performances (Drum solos, dancing trios, a bartender who moonlights as a crooner, etc.) while the teenage characters jump and jive at the milk bar.  It must be said that none of these performances are especially memorable.  

So, what are we left with?  A movie that is more interesting as a patchwork of past and future genres, I guess.  It also unknowingly blazed the trail for a genre to come, which is notable, I suppose.  On the other hand, it doesn’t do it particularly well.

AKA:  Youth Aflame.

THE NIGHTINGALE (2019) ****

Most people would be overjoyed to quarantine themselves away for weeks at a time and do nothing but watch movies 24/7.  I mean, Hell, I pretty much do that anyway.  “Social Distancing”?  I’ve been socially distant long before it became chic.  

Well, it just so happens that the one month the government tells everyone to stay indoors and don’t do diddly is the month that life decides to kick me in the nuts.  I won’t go into detail or anything.  Just know that my month has played out like a Lifetime Movie, and not one of the good ones involving demented oversexed au pairs.  No, this one involves the threat of perpetual unemployment, the death of a family member, a loved one having a cancer scare, and getting rear-ended in traffic on the way to the hospital.  It’s been one of those months.  That’s not to mention all the COVID-19 shit going on in the world.  Because of that, these already stressful events are magnified, making going out to accomplish the simplest of tasks even more difficult.  Thankfully, my family’s been spared from the Coronavirus (so far), but I have to tell you dear readers, I don’t know how much more I can take.  

What I’m saying is that after a month like that, I needed a pick-me-up.  I needed to give myself over to the healing power of cinema and watch a movie that would brighten my mood.  That would uplift my spirits.  That would reaffirm my place with the human race.

Unfortunately, I watched The Nightingale.  

I’m not saying this is a bad film.  Far from it.  It’s just I didn’t realize I was getting myself into.  You know the term “Feel Good Movies”?  This is probably the best “Feel Bad Movie” of the decade.  

It’s all about Clare (Aisling Franciosi), an Irish woman, who along with her husband (Michael Sheasby) work as slaves to an arrogant British officer named Hawkins (Sam Claflin).  When he’s denied a promotion, he takes out his frustrations by killing Clare’s husband and newborn baby, all the while he and his men take turns raping her.  They then go off to an Army post and she follows in hot pursuit, accompanied by an Aborigine guide named Billy (Baykali Ganambarr) who’s just as prejudiced against her as she is of him.  Eventually, a mutual respect grows between them and together, they hunt down the men who shattered her world.  

So, basically what we got here is I Spit on Your Walkabout.  

Like I said, this was a tough sit.  In fact, it took me a couple days to get all the way through.  It’s brutal, uncompromising, and a real punch to the gut.  I give director Jennifer Kent, already a legend for directing The Babadook, a lot of credit for making this movie.  After that film became a cult phenomenon, I’m sure she could’ve taken the brass ring and directed a Marvel flick or some other Hollywood bullshit.  Instead, she made a difficult, unsettling, horror/western hybrid that features a lot of subtitles, thick accents, period costumes, and an unflinching eye for gruesome detail.  

This is unquestionably a masterpiece.  I just wish I saw it under better circumstances.  (Rape, racism, and infant murder isn’t the sort of thing to lift one’s spirits.) No matter how repulsive the subject matter got, and no matter how shitty my week has been, I still stuck with it to the bitter end.  (I had to divvy it up over a couple nights though because it eventually became too much for me.)  Kent’s style is masterful and with this film she proves that she is one of the best directors of the century.  Not only that, but she’s the rare filmmaker that makes nightmare sequences truly nightmarish.  Most directors just toss them into the mix to pad the running time.  Kent’s nightmare scenes help reinforce the main character’s fragile mental state to the audience.  Not only that, but they make you feel like you’re experiencing a dream in real time.  The effect packs a real punch.

I guess on one hand you could say that my problems were small potatoes compared to Clare’s.  That didn’t cheer me up though.  I did admire her resilience in the face of adversity.  Still, even when she and Billy give the bad guys their eventual comeuppance, it isn’t pretty, let alone satisfying.  One guy suffers one of the slowest, most antagonizing deaths I’ve seen in some time.  When he finally kicks the bucket, you let loose a sigh of relief instead of a rousing fist pump.  The other deaths are quicker, though just about as messy.  

It took me a scene or two to recognize Hawkins’ second-in-command as Damon Herriman.  You may remember him as Dewey on Justified or as Charles Manson in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  He takes playing a creep to all new levels in this one.

I’m sorry it took me so long to see The Nightingale.  If I saw it earlier, it definitely would’ve made the Top Five of the Year list.  I’m also sorry about dragging my personal life into the review, but I had to vent.  Hopefully, April is a tad kinder to me than March.  

Stay safe.  Stay indoors.  Stay healthy, people.

TRICK (2019) ** ½

After Rob Zombie parted ways with the Halloween franchise, director Patrick Lussier and his My Bloody Valentine 3-D screenwriter Todd Farmer were brought in to do the next installment.  Unfortunately, that project stalled out before the cameras had a chance to roll.  As a fan of not only My Bloody Valentine 3-D, but also the duo’s Drive Angry, I’ve always yearned to see what they could’ve done with the Halloween series.  Their latest collaboration, Trick kind of gives you a glimpse of what could’ve been.  

Like Halloween, Trick features a seemingly supernatural killer who appears on Halloween to carve up his victims.  Instead of Michael Myers, it’s a high school student named Trick, who snaps on Halloween, kills his friends, and is shot by a cop, played by Omar Epps before disappearing into the night.  Epps is kind of like the Dr. Loomis stand-in as every time Halloween rolls around, he tries to warn everyone that Trick will come back, but no one believes him until it’s too late.  Each Halloween, Trick hides behind a different mask.  (The pumpkin mask he starts off with is a lot cooler than each of his successive disguises.)  

In addition to Halloween, there’s also a bit of a Scream vibe going on as the hooded killer playfully taunts his victims with a knife before cutting them up.  The fact that Lussier edited the Scream movies and the cast includes not only Scream 2’s Epps, but Jamie Kennedy only adds to the déjà vu.  Admittedly, the film’s mythology is a bit lacking when compared to those franchises, although the final twist is clever enough.  

Even though it heavily trades on the slashers of the past for inspiration, Trick is a decent enough horror film.  The emphasis on the police procedural aspect helps make it feel more like a “grown up movie” than a common-denominator Dead Teenager Flick.  The gore and bloodletting are kept at an adequate level and the body count mounts up quite nicely.  

While it lacks the out-and-out fun of their previous outings, it’s nice seeing Lussier and Farmer getting a belated chance to flex their cinematic muscles again.  On the downside, it’s a tad overlong (it’s over a 100 minutes) and suffers from some instances of shaky-cam during the suspenseful sequences.  I exactly can’t say Trick is a treat, but I’m still glad I saw it.  Besides, it’s hard to completely dismiss a movie that boasts a shotgun-toting Tom Atkins. 

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ATTACK OF THE 5 FT. 2 WOMEN (1994) **

When Julie Brown wrote and co-directed this Showtime Original spoof of tabloid staples Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt, it had a ripped-from-the-headlines feel to it.  Watching it now, with some distance from the real events, it probably plays better than it did when it was first released.  Recently, Harding’s life was dramatized in I, Tonya, and Bobbitt became the subject of an Amazon Prime documentary.  What’s fascinating is that Brown’s treatment of the events may seem crass, but they aren’t too far removed from what really happened.  (At least in the Harding segment.)  I guess truth really is stranger than fiction sometimes.  

Tonya:  The Battle of Wounded Knee (**) tells the story of a white trash ice skater named Tonya Hardly (Brown) who is tired of perpetually being a runner-up.  With her dumbass boyfriend and nitwit friend, they conspire to take out the competition, Nancy Cardigan (Khrystyne Haje from Head of the Class).  Predictably, things don’t go as planned.  

It’s been a while since I saw I, Tonya, but I swear there are some scenes in that movie that are identical to this one.  Sure, there are plenty of groan-inducing jokes, and at least one funny sight gag (Tonya using her ice skate to cut a pizza).  It’s just that it’s more fun to watch the “real” bits of the story creeping through the obvious jokes and comedic set pieces.  Brown is an actress I’ve always admired, even if her shtick is kind of thin, but she commits totally to the role and is fun to watch.  

Next, Richard (Vamp) Wenk directs He Never Gave Me Orgasm:  The Lenora Babbitt Story (**).  It finds Babbitt having a lunch meeting with an agent (Sam McMurray) to help jumpstart her career.  While eating, she relates the events that led her to severing her husband’s member.  

The tone is a lot more over the top than the first segment.  The big joke here is that whenever “Lenora” walks by a man, they instinctively cross their legs.  In fact, the whole thing is essentially one long dick joke, and it wasn’t particularly funny to begin with.  The best Dick in the movie is Dick Miller, who plays the detective who leads the hunt for the lost member.  We also get bits by Priscilla Barnes and Vicki Lawrence (as herself), which compensate for the rest of the film’s… err… shortcomings.

Overall, this is about what you’d expect from a Made for Showtime National Lampoon’s movie from the ‘90s.  In fact, it plays more like an overlong Mad Magazine parody than anything.  Fans of Brown will enjoy seeing her gamely portraying two broad characterizations of tabloid queens, but that’s about where the fun stops.

Wenk later went on to write the modern classics The Expendables 2 and The Equalizer.