Saturday, March 21, 2020

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ATTACK OF THE 5 FT. 2 WOMEN (1994) **


When Julie Brown wrote and co-directed this Showtime Original spoof of tabloid staples Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt, it had a ripped-from-the-headlines feel to it.  Watching it now, with some distance from the real events, it probably plays better than it did when it was first released.  Recently, Harding’s life was dramatized in I, Tonya, and Bobbitt became the subject of an Amazon Prime documentary.  What’s fascinating is that Brown’s treatment of the events may seem crass, but they aren’t too far removed from what really happened.  (At least in the Harding segment.)  I guess truth really is stranger than fiction sometimes.  

Tonya:  The Battle of Wounded Knee (**) tells the story of a white trash ice skater named Tonya Hardly (Brown) who is tired of perpetually being a runner-up.  With her dumbass boyfriend and nitwit friend, they conspire to take out the competition, Nancy Cardigan (Khrystyne Haje from Head of the Class).  Predictably, things don’t go as planned.  

It’s been a while since I saw I, Tonya, but I swear there are some scenes in that movie that are identical to this one.  Sure, there are plenty of groan-inducing jokes, and at least one funny sight gag (Tonya using her ice skate to cut a pizza).  It’s just that it’s more fun to watch the “real” bits of the story creeping through the obvious jokes and comedic set pieces.  Brown is an actress I’ve always admired, even if her shtick is kind of thin, but she commits totally to the role and is fun to watch.  

Next, Richard (Vamp) Wenk directs He Never Gave Me Orgasm:  The Lenora Babbitt Story (**).  It finds Babbitt having a lunch meeting with an agent (Sam McMurray) to help jumpstart her career.  While eating, she relates the events that led her to severing her husband’s member.  

The tone is a lot more over the top than the first segment.  The big joke here is that whenever “Lenora” walks by a man, they instinctively cross their legs.  In fact, the whole thing is essentially one long dick joke, and it wasn’t particularly funny to begin with.  The best Dick in the movie is Dick Miller, who plays the detective who leads the hunt for the lost member.  We also get bits by Priscilla Barnes and Vicki Lawrence (as herself), which compensate for the rest of the film’s… err… shortcomings.

Overall, this is about what you’d expect from a Made for Showtime National Lampoon’s movie from the ‘90s.  In fact, it plays more like an overlong Mad Magazine parody than anything.  Fans of Brown will enjoy seeing her gamely portraying two broad characterizations of tabloid queens, but that’s about where the fun stops.

Wenk later went on to write the modern classics The Expendables 2 and The Equalizer. 

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