MACABRE LEGENDS OF THE COLONY (1974) *** ½

 

Mil Mascaras’ tag team partner, Darkness the Giant buys an old painting, ignoring the antique dealer’s warnings that it’s haunted.  After they win a hard-fought wrestling match, the duo retires to Darkness’ home for cocktails, along with their wrestling pal, The White Ghost and their three girlfriends.  At the stroke of midnight, the possessed portrait starts smoking and magically whisks them back in time hundreds of years to colonial Mexico.

The heroes and their girlfriends find themselves in a mansion where the lord has been killed in a duel.  His sexy wife (Lorena Velasquez, looking as luscious as ever), who just so happens to be a part-time Aztec priestess, puts his soul into a mummy, and sets him off on a course for revenge.  Meanwhile, the wrestlers and their gal pals have to find a way home before they are stuck in the past forever. 

It seems like I’ve sat through a lot of paste-up jobs here lately.  I can’t say Macabre Legends of the Colony is a cut-and-paste feature for sure, but it certainly feels like one as the wrestling plotline and the Aztec mummy stuff rarely intersect.  Most of the time, Mil Mascaras and his wrestling pals are off doing Scooby-Doo-style shenanigans while Velasquez is doing her Aztec priestess thing.  In fact, Velasquez and Mil Mascaras don’t even appear on screen together until the last ten minutes of the movie.  

That isn’t necessarily a criticism, just an observation.  The fact is this movie rocks.  It may feel a bit half-assed, but the wrestling scenes are great and horror sequences are legitimately fun.  Even if it does take a while for plots to come together, the great twist ending makes it all worth it.

Velazquez once again proves why she is one of the sexiest ladies in cinema.  Director Arturo Martinez compliments her beauty by filming her from low angles, which also gives her an intimidating presence.  Martinez handles the mummy sequences nicely too.  The scene where it comes to life is surprisingly eerie and effective.  I also enjoyed the little asides with the monk who has a face like the monster in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein who plays the organ like the Phantom of the Opera.

We’ve seen how great Mil Mascaras can be in these movies, but it’s Darkness the Giant who really steals the show.  He’s so full of himself that it’s fun when he gets taken down a peg.  He also has an awesome black and yellow mask that makes his head look like Pac-Man.  His tag team match with Mil is a real slobber knocker too.  It lasts nearly fifteen minutes and goes the full three falls.  It’s the final wrestling match that really puts the flick over the top though as the surprise ending will leave you grinning from ear to ear. 

SCHIZOID (1980) ** ½

Marianna (Messiah of Evil) Hill stars as a recently divorced advice columnist who attends group therapy sessions ran by her shrink (and secret lover) Klaus Kinski.  Meanwhile, a maniac in black gloves is stalking and stabbing members of the group with a pair of extremely sharp scissors.  Hill is also receiving threatening messages in the mail that are possibly from the killer.  The line of suspects includes Kinski’s potentially crazy daughter (Donna Wilkes from Angel and Jaws 2), Hill’s jealous ex-husband (Body Double’s Craig Wasson), and a patient with a hot temper (Christopher Lloyd).

Schizoid is notable for being one of the first Golan-Globus Cannon productions, and for being an early entry in the ‘80s slasher craze.  Because the subgenre hadn’t really worked all its kinks out yet, it often feels like a ‘70s giallo, thanks to the black-gloved killer.  Still, there’s enough slasher movie touches (POV shots, horny teens, a healthy dose of nudity, a cool electronic score, etc.) to fit comfortably within the confines of the label. 

Although it’s not entirely successful, Schizoid is a solid enough effort.  The pacing kind of stalls out once the police investigation gets underway, and the ending is a bit drawn out.  It’s not enough to completely derail the movie or anything, but the finale is sorely lacking the pizzazz of the first act. 

It helps that the cast is stellar for this kind of thing.  Kinski underplays his role to a surprising degree, which helps give his character an unpredictable energy.  Hill makes for a much more mature Final Girl than we are used to seeing.  The underrated actress (who was terrific in High Plains Drifter) delivers a fine central performance that connects all the crazies together.  Wasson is spot-on as the asshole ex and Lloyd does a good job imbuing his character with a sense of potential menace.  My favorite performance though came from Wilkes, who plays Kinski’s sexpot Lolita daughter.  She has a great nude scene where Kinski pervs on her that is some truly unsettling shit.     

Speaking of unsettling, the stalk n’ slash scenes are well done.  The opening scene where a woman on a bike is chased down by the killer really cooks.  Director David Paulsen (who also did the solid shocker Savage Weekend) delivers the kills in stylish fashion, and it makes you wish he continued on with the genre instead of heading to television where he produced shit like Dallas, Dynasty, and Knots Landing.  Come back to us, Dave, we miss you.

A cop played by Murphy Brown’s Joe Regalbuto gets the best line of the movie when he says, “The law works in mysterious ways!”

AKA:  Schizo!  AKA:  Murder by Mail.

THE KILL FACTOR (1978) **

 

Death Dimension is yet another Al Adamson movie I watched and reviewed years ago.  As with I Spit on Your Corpse!, I saw it under a re-release title.  Because of that, I will be referring to it as The Kill Factor, the title I originally watched. 

This was the second film Adamson made with Jim Kelly.  It’s lacking the fun of their first collaboration, Black Samurai, but it definitely has its moments.  Whereas that film shamelessly ripped off James Bond, Adamson was actually able to get James Bond himself, George Lazenby in the movie.  Not only that, but we also have Harold “Odd Job” Sakata as well.

Oh, and remember when Kelly famously shared the screen with the one and only Bruce Lee in the immortal Enter the Dragon?  Well, this time out, he partners up with the one and only MYRON Bruce Lee.  Yes, there was only one Myron Bruce Lee, and when you watch The Kill Factor, you’ll know why. 

The plot, such as it is, revolves around Odd Job getting his hands on a freeze bomb.  When it ignites, a bunch of fake snow blows around and causes people to turn blue and freeze to death.  Naturally, it’s up to Kelly and Lee to stop him before he turns the world into a winter wonderland. 

Like Black Samurai, the film is a hodgepodge of James Bond and Kung Fu, but it’s nowhere near as successful.  Just to keep everyone on their toes though, Adamson will toss out a random Psycho-inspired shower scene or some completely gratuitous T & A.  The action sequences are better than you’d expect, but overall, the whole thing moves at a snail’s pace.

At first glance, the movie is low on the sleaze you’d expect from Al Adamson (and producer Dick Randall, for that matter).  However, if you are patient, you will be rewarded with a demented scene where Odd Job threatens to turn a snapping turtle loose on a woman’s tit.  This scene really cooks, but highlights these are unfortunately few and far between

Kelly does what he can, but he’s missing the charisma he brought to Black Samurai.  The supporting cast is solid though.  We get the vastly underrated Bob Minor as Odd Job’s ruthless henchmen, Aldo Ray (in his second Adamson movie) as Odd Job’s grouchy business partner, and Mighty Joe Young’s Terry Moore (who was the first woman I remember seeing naked in Playboy) as a madam.  While they don’t exactly save the movie, it’s nice to see them turning up.

Here’s my original review from over a decade ago: 

 

ARCHIVE REVIEW:  THE KILL FACTOR  (1978)  ** (ORIGINALLY POSTED:  MARCH 26^TH, 2010)

Director Al Adamson is not quite known for making good movies but on occasion, he’s been able to make a few so-bad-they’re-good movies (like Dracula vs. Frankenstein).  The Kill Factor isn’t one of those movies.  It’s actually Jim (Enter the Dragon) Kelly’s second Adamson flick.  It’s no Black Samurai, but then again, what could be, right?

Kelly plays a cop who is told by his captain (George Fucking Lazenby) to bring down Harold “Odd Job” Sakata.  You see, old Odd Job has created a “Freeze Bomb”, a bomb that uh… freezes people.  (So yeah, does this sound stupid enough for ya folks?)  Kelly teams up with a guy named Myron Bruce Lee (no, I am not making this up, his name is MYRON Bruce Lee) and they Kung Fu a lot of guys and stop Sakata.

The plot is ludicrous (a fucking FREEZE BOMB?), the acting is shitty (just watching Sakata try to string together several sentences in English is pretty painful), but the dialogue is priceless.  Kelly gets a mess of funny lines like “The name of the game is save your ass!” and “This is malt liquor; the black man’s beer!”, but my favorite exchange came when Sakata asked the scientist why he betrayed him.  The doctor replies, “A twinge of conscience”.  To which Sakata remarks, “An unfortunate twinge!”

Yes, a lot of this movie is bad, but it does have some jaw-dropping moments of pure unadulterated HUH?!?  Like the scene where Sakata threatens to chop a girl’s boobs off with a snapping turtle.  You don’t see that sort of weirdness in films nowadays, do you?

Look, I know I’m making The Kill Factor sound like it’s a straight-up laugh riot, but I didn’t really laugh much during it.  In fact, you’ll probably laugh more at my review than you will throughout the whole movie.  The thing that really prevents the film from busting loose and becoming a cult classic is that Adamson is almost borderline competent when it comes to handling the action.  He films the fight scenes flatly, yet the choreography isn’t too bad.  (The usually reliable stuntman/co-star Bob Minor was the stunt coordinator.)  There is even an expensive looking boat chase that sorta makes you yearn for the bargain basement aesthetic of Black Samurai.

And you have to kinda feel for Lazenby.  One decade you’re whispering to Diana Rigg that you have all the time in the world and the next you’re telling Jim Kelly about a Freeze Bomb.  While Roger Moore was off fighting Jaws, poor George was trading punches with Myron Bruce Lee.  Yeah, I know George shot his own career in the foot but he didn’t deserve this.  I mean MYRON BRUCE LEE?

AKA:  Death Dimension.  AKA:  Black Eliminator.  AKA:  Dead Dimension.  AKA:  Freeze Bomb.  AKA:  Icy Death.

SUNSET COVE (1978) ** ½

 

Sunset Cove was yet another for-hire gig for director Al Adamson.  This time, producer Tony (The Toolbox Murders) DiDio tasked him with creating a teen comedy done in the Crown International mold.  While I can’t call it one of Adamson’s best, fans of ‘70s nostalgia will enjoy it for the dated fashions, cheesy music, and forgotten trends. 

A nerd pulls a prank on the principal on the last day of school.  That gets him in good with the cool kids who let him cruise around with them in their van.  When they aren’t challenging the local motorhead to drag races along the Strip, they are busy evading the local fat cop who can’t wait to bust the freewheeling teenagers.  Their summer is potentially ruined when a real estate developer threatens to put up condominiums along the shoreline, and the teens must band together to save their beloved beach.

Sunset Cove presented Adamson another chance to collaborate with cinematographer Gary Graver, who once again delivers.  His crisp photography coupled with the excellent transfer makes this one of the best-looking films on the Al Adamson Blu-Ray boxset.  It also afforded him another opportunity to work with many players from Cinderella 2000, including Jay B. Larson, Erwin Fuller, Art Cacaro, and Sherri Coyle.  The rest of his stock cast is largely absent, save for John Carradine who pops up at the eleventh hour as a lawyer who agrees to help the teens.

Like most late ‘70s, pre-Porky’s teen sex comedies, the whole thing is good-natured and innocent, especially compared to the stuff that would be released the next decade.  It’s decidedly low-rent and no-frills, but it remains harmless, innocuous entertainment.  Adamson’s style is a good fit for the loosey-goosey plot.  In most of his films, the overreliance on subplots has a tendency to bog things down, but Sunset Cove’s rambling, episodic script allows him to pile on subplot after subplot without bringing the momentum to a complete halt.  The movie only threatens to spin out of control by the time the big protest/rock concert rolls around.  It’s here where things begin to peter out, but overall, it’s more consistent than many of Adamson’s films.

Adamson never met a trend he didn’t like.  He crams a lot of stuff that the teens of the day could relate to.  If you were young when the movie came out, you should have a fondness for all the detailed vans, Frisbee games, and hang-gliding sequences.  If that sort of thing isn’t your bag, you can always sit back and enjoy the copious amounts of T & A. 

AKA:  School’s Out at Sunset Cove.  AKA:  Teenager Report.

CINDERELLA 2000 (1977) * ½

 

Here’s another Al Adamson flick I already reviewed eons ago.  I think this one was a bit rougher on me than the first time I watched it.  (I had to tap out about halfway through and finish it the next day.)  As with all these critical reassessments, my original review can be found immediately following this new write-up:

Again, we see there is no trend that Al Adamson was not willing to ride.  Bill Osco’s XXX fairy tale musical Alice in Wonderland was a hit, so Adamson made his own singing storybook skin flick.  Flesh Gordon was also a big moneymaker at the time, so he added a sci-fi slant by adding a futuristic setting where sex is outlawed.  The two ideas never full gel, and the musical numbers are mostly a washout, but it has its moments. 

The biggest drawback is the length.  Did a forgettable, cheesy sci-fi fairy tale softcore musical really need to be 103 goddamned minutes?  Even if you pulled an I’ll Do Anything on it and cut out all the musical numbers, it probably still would’ve been too damned long.

Like most of Adamson’s work, he seems to be wedging two separate ideas or narratives into one movie in order to get the finished product to a certain running time.  The scenes of robots enforcing the futuristic “No Sex” laws probably work better than Cinderella shit, if we’re being honest.  I’m not saying we needed a softcore version of Brave New World or anything, but it is (marginally) more successful.

The music is also a big bust.  The only remotely memorable number is the one where the annoying robot sings a love song and then does a choreographed dance routine with a bunch of back-up dancers in futuristic garb.  Other than that, you could probably get up and make a sandwich, fold clothes, or take a shit while the songs are playing, and you wouldn’t miss much.

The best scene of the movie doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of the plot.  Of course, I’m referring to the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs gangbang.  Even then, Adamson kind of holds back, but when the rest of the film is so spotty, sloppy, and slipshod, I guess you can forgive it if this scene (no pun intended) comes up a little bit short.

 

ARCHIVE REVIEW:  CINDERELLA 2000  (1977)  * ½ (ORIGINALLY POSTED:  FEBRUARY 20^TH, 2008)

Al (Nurse Sherri) Adamson was responsible for this softcore sex/comedy/sci-fi/musical (very) loosely based on the timeless fairy tale. 

In the future, sex is forbidden.  (If you fuck, an annoying robot barges into your bedroom and shouts “Fornication!”)  Violators get bubble wrapped and turned into Barbie dolls. 

A cute girl named Cindy (Catherine Erhardt) is forced to be a slave for her overbearing stepmother and her two irritating stepsisters.  On a rare day off, Cindy heads out into the woods and sings a song wishing she was like Cinderella and wouldn’t ya know it, her “fairy” (get it?) godfather beams down to help her out.  He shows her what “love” is by turning two rabbits into people in bunny costumes who dry hump each other. 

Meanwhile Tom “Prince” (get it?) the most virile man in the galaxy wants to step down as the planetary stud, so the dictator decides to throw a masquerade “Ball” (get it?) for him to find a perfect mate.  Predictably, the fairy godfather makes Cindy look beautiful and after her and Tom fuck they bring sexual freedom to the galaxy. 

This movie is a fucking mess. 

Even though the movie is ostensibly a sci-fi sex version of Cinderella, the main thrust (no pun intended) of the story revolves around robots arresting people for having sex.  All the Cinderella stuff seems like a mere afterthought.  The idea of a sexy futuristic Cinderella isn’t necessarily a bad one, but Adamson handles most of Cindy’s scenes incompetently.  (Even by Adamson’s usually low standards.)  In fact, Cindy herself is largely absent for most of the movie.  The problem is that the scenes of sexual outlaws boning on Star Trek inspired sets getting interrupted by robots are a lot funnier than anything remotely associated with the more “traditional” fairy tale aspects of the movie.  I know this was made on the quick to cash in on the softcore hit Alice in Wonderland, but had Adamson dropped the whole storybook subplot and focused solely on the sex starved denizens of the future, this movie might have worked. 

There IS one priceless scene where Snow White gets gangbanged by the seven dwarfs (one of whom is Angelo Rossitto) but it has NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie.   

The musical numbers are surprisingly not bad and the swinging title theme is pretty great.  Erhardt is quite fetching in the title role, but unfortunately, she isn’t given a whole lot to do and her character is strangely MIA for most of the movie.  There’s lots of softcore '70s sex (including the obligatory lesbian scene) and what they lack in titillation, they make up for in sheer volume.  The “intentional” attempts at humor aren’t very funny, but some laughs can be had from the awful costumes and silly looking robots. 

The movie is a confounding as all get out and isn’t erotic in the least, but then again, if you ever wanted to see a robot sing a country and western song, this movie is for you.  

A wicked stepsister gets the best line when she says, “Christ, I gotta douche!” 

AKA:  Future Sex.

UNCLE TOM’S CABIN (1977) **

 

The evil, scar-faced slave owner Simon Legree (Herbert Lom) becomes indignant when a slave named Cassie (Olive Moorefield) does not welcome his advances.  He then gets revenge by buying her and a number of other slaves, including the wise old “Uncle” Tom (John Kitzmiller).  When Cassie refuses Simon’s affections, he begins to take out his frustration on the slaves.  Uncle Tom winds up in the crosshairs of his rage, and is gravely injured, which eventually sparks a slave uprising.

The bulk of Uncle Tom’s Cabin comes from a 1965 German-Italian production from director Geza von Radvanyi.  It was presented in America by exploitation legend Kroger Babb to little fanfare from the moviegoing public as the tumultuous ‘60s was not exactly an ideal time for an adaptation of the Harriet Beecher Stowe novel.  A decade or so later, it wound up on the desk of producer Sam Sherman at Independent-International.  Since Mandingo and Drum was still fresh on everyone’s minds, he had Al Adamson film add exploitation-minded scenes of sex and violence to make the rather dull plantation drama marketable. 

What’s interesting is that Adamson’s stuff is far and away the best thing about the movie.  The scenes of rape and revenge are more callus and cruel than the stuff found in the original version, but it’s also much more effective as it works on a baser level; one that film just didn’t even attempt to deliver on.  The subplot involving a love affair between a runaway slave (Prentiss Mouldon, who was also in Adamson’s Nurse Sherri) and a white woman (Mary Ann Jenson) who gives him shelter is surprisingly tender, and there’s a chemistry between the performers that is sorely lacking elsewhere in the picture. 

That’s not to say that the original scenes are all bad.  Herbert Lom’s performance as the despicable slave owner is magnetic enough to ensure your attention.  It’s just that the drama between him and Moorefield fails to ignite the screen the way the lovers in Adamson’s footage did.  It also doesn’t help that the old scenes are slow moving, laughably dubbed, and curiously uninvolving. 

Considering some of the patchwork jobs I’ve sat through in the past few weeks, I can safely say Adamson and company did a good job making his footage match the old.  While the appearances of his stock acting troupe is a dead giveaway, the overall effect is pretty seamless.  Sure, it may fall well short of the exploitative classic that is Mandingo, but I think Adamson’s scenes would’ve worked on their own merits as a short subject, without being beholden to the old movie. 

I’d like to add one thing that should be noted as I go through this boxset, and I think this review is the perfect place to do so seeing as the content of this movie will make many uncomfortable.  Due to constantly changing societal norms and values, many viewers will probably cringe their way through many of Adamson’s pictures (especially his ‘70s work).  Despite some of the decidedly un-P.C. stuff found in his films, Adamson employed a large number of POC actors and actresses, often time and time again.  I think that speaks volumes to who he was in real life.  I just wanted to add that to the record, just in case anyone wanted to “cancel” him based on this flick alone.

AKA:  White Trash Woman.

NURSE SHERRI (1978) ** ½

 

I previously reviewed Nurse Sherri on my old site back in 2008.  Of all the Al Adamson movies I’ve watched in the past two months, this and Blood of Ghastly Horror are the only two where I’ve felt compelled to increase my Star Rating.  I found myself enjoying this one enough to bump it up from ** to ** ½.  Who knows?  Maybe if I watch it in another twelve years I’ll go ahead and give it ***.  Here’s my brand-new review of the flick, followed by the old one:

The mixing of two totally different genres is a staple of Al Adamson’s work.  This one is a cross between a softcore Nurse nudie and possession horror, both of which were big in the mid-‘70s.  It often seems like two movies slapped together (which unlike most of Adamson’s films, this was an original work, and not another cut-and-paste-feature).  Despite the narrative whiplash involved, it winds up being kind of fun. 

Part of the amusement comes from seeing Adamson’s stock company appearing yet again.  Geoffrey Land plays the smug lothario doctor, Bill Roy plays a cult leader in his second Adamson movie in a row, and Marilyn Joi plays one of the sexy nurses.  The movie really belongs to Jill Jacobson though who plays the sexiest possessed nurse the ‘70s ever saw.

When a cult leader (Roy) dies on the operating table, his spirit possesses a nurse named Sherri (Jacobson) who happens to be in the operating room.  What follows feels like a mess of movies put into a blender.  We have horny nurses, cult leaders performing rituals, melodrama involving a blind football player (who naturally develops extrasensory gifts to discover something supernatural is afoot) finding love, a possessed woman talking like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, a revenge from beyond the grave subplot, and Scooby-Doo scenes of fraidy cat nurses sneaking into a graveyard after dark.  It has it all. 

I think I appreciated the sexploitation stuff more this time around.  There’s a random scene where Land and Jacobson flash back to their first times (he gets a blowjob while giving a presentation in class, while she has a poolside lesbian tryst).  There’s also a part where a nurse bangs a nervous patient who’s about to go in for surgery that feels like something out of a bedroom farce.  Even though these scenes are completely unnecessary, they add to the overall goofy charm of the movie.

This isn’t the first time I had to reassess the rating of one of Adamson’s movies as I have combed my way through this boxset.  Blood of Ghastly Horror improved an entire One Star.  I can’t be that generous with this one as it’s still as patchy as ever.  However, seeing the film within the context of Adamson’s other work, I can’t help but to give this an additional Half-Star at the very least.  It’s borderline schizophrenic, but it’s nutty as hell and it certainly isn’t boring.  That alone is worth an extra Half-Star in my book.

 

ARCHIVE REVIEW:  NURSE SHERRI  (1978)  **  (ORIGINALLY POSTED:  FEBRUARY, 5^TH, 2008)

A religious cult leader gets stabbed to death by a bunch of greedy doctors on the operating table.  His soul takes the form of lemon and lime colored negative scratches that possess a cute nurse named Sherri (Jill Jacobson) while she sleeps.  In no time at all, Sherri starts talking in the cult leader’s voice and begins murdering the doctors responsible for his death.  First guy gets a pitchfork rammed through his back and out his stomach.  Next guy takes a trip to Screwdriver City.  Third guy falls into a pit of molten steel.  Then Sherri has a meat cleaver meltdown on the last guy.  In the end, Sherri’s candy striping co-workers help break the spirit’s evil spell by turning the cult leader’s gravesite into an open B-B-Q pit. 

I guess this was an interesting albeit awkward attempt to blend the low rent thrills of your basic Exorcist rip-off with the titillation of Roger Corman’s sexy “Nurse” movies.  It doesn’t quite work, but then again, I’m a sucker for any movie in which nurses showcase their bedside manner by getting it on with their patients. 

The flick was directed by Al Adamson, and like any Adamson movie, there’s going to more than its share of filler.  There’s a car chase that serves no purpose whatsoever and whole sections of the film don’t make a heck of a lot of sense.  Like the scene where the spirit of the cult leader appears on a victim’s dashboard and forces him to drive off a cliff.  I mean hello, I thought the “spirit” was supposedly in Sherri’s body, so what the heck is it doing in the guy’s car?  (I will refrain from making an obvious “repossessing the car” joke.)  This scene also features a hilarious continuity error as the car goes over a cliff in the daytime, but it blows up at the bottom of the canyon at night. 

Like most of Adamson’s oeuvre, Nurse Sherri is sloppy, disjointed, and erratically paced, but that doesn’t necessarily make it unwatchable.  The film’s chief asset (besides a few hints of T & A) is a fine performance by Jacobson.  She’s pretty good, but for a movie called Nurse Sherri, she’s not in it as much as you’d think.  Jacobson doesn’t get an opportunity to really strut her stuff because there are way too many extraneous characters and subplots (like the blind football player who falls in love with a black nurse) that get in the way. 

The flick is chockfull of bad dialogue, which adds to the fun.  Some of my favorites include “Your powers are finite.  Mine are limitless!”, “I’ll introduce you to the bliss that lies on the border to Hell!”, and “One ingrown toenail and it’s the big casino!” 

AKA:  Beyond the Living.  AKA:  Black Voodoo.  AKA:  Hands of Death.  AKA:  Hospital of Terror.  AKA:  Killer’s Curse.  AKA:  Terror Hospital.  AKA:  The Possession of Nurse Sherri.