BRIDE OF VHS DELIRIUM (2019) ***

 

The second installment in the Drive-In Delirium sister series, VHS Delirium offers ninety more minutes of (mostly ‘80s) home video previews.  They are presented here in loving standard definition.  Unlike the Drive-In Delirium series, no attempt has been made to clean these bad boys up.  They look like they were ripped directly from a shoddy VCR, the way God intended. 

There are many more full-length trailers this time out, which is a plus.  They include:  The Beyond, Cannibal Apocalypse, Creepers, The Dark, Epitaph, The Evictors, The House on Sorority Row, I Spit on Your Grave, LA Crackdown, Madman, The Mutilator, Night of the Zombies, Rape Squad, Savage Man… Savage Beast (complete with a warning:  “This Film  Contains Scenes That May Offend”), The Slayer, Splatter University, Squirm, Trapped, Dario Argento’s World of Horror, Bloody New Year, Blood Theatre, Silent Night Deadly Night (“The Movie They Tried to Ban!”), Silent Night Deadly Night 2, The Initiation, Spookies, The Return of Count Yorga, Tenebrae, Demons 2, Reborn, Sole Survivor, Android, The Lost Empire, Prisoners of the Lost Universe, Battle for the Lost Planet, Brother from Another Planet, Hamburger:  The Motion Picture, Pinball Summer, Stitches, Hot Dog… The Movie, Waitress!, Stuck on You!, The First Turn-On, Feelin’ Up, The Princess and The Call Girl, Blackout, The Guardian, Family and Honor (AKA:  Don’t Mess with My Sister!), The Professor, Golden Needles, Diva, Ms. .45 (under the title Rape Squad), Pray for Death, Rage of Honor, The Retaliator, Feel the Heat, Survival Game, Commando Squad, Double Revenge, Rage to Kill, and Snake Eater.  The compilation then wraps up with a promo for an Australian video company called Palace Films that includes clips from The Gate and The Wraith, among many others.

I’ve seen many of these trailers before (some were even in other Drive-In Delirium collections), but the grainy picture quality and full frame presentation definitely adds to the overall effect of recreating the glory days of VHS.  However, there plenty of movies here I haven’t heard of and probably would track down just on the basis of the trailers alone.  Because of that, Bride of VHS Delirium is yet another worthy addition to my ever-growing movie trailer compilation collection.

DRIVE-IN DELIRIUM: DEAD BY DAWN (2019) *** ½

 

Drive-In Delirium:  Dead by Dawn is the fourth collection of classic drive-in, exploitation, and horror movie trailers from Umbrella Entertainment.  This time out, they set the Way Back Machine even further into the past as this installment kicks off with a string of trailers from such ‘50s monster mashes as It Came from Beneath the Sea, The Monster That Challenged the World, and 20 Million Miles to Earth.  From there, we segue into When Animals Attack flicks (Night of the Lepus, Food of the Gods, and a cool trailer for a double feature of Willard and Ben) before touching on Hammer horror (Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb, The Gorgon, Dracula A.D. 1972), and Ozploitation (The Cars That Ate Paris, The Last Wave, Next of Kin).  The first half of the disc wraps up with an impressive line-up of giallos (Five Dolls for an August Moon, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Short Night of Glass Dolls) and other assorted Italian-made terrors (Opera, Nightmare Beach, Beyond the Door).

After a short intermission (including a Kool-Aid commercial featuring The Monkees and Bugs Bunny), the second half kicks off with trailers for William Castle shockers (13 Ghosts, Homicidal, Strait-Jacket) before going on a marathon of mostly chronological previews of horror films.  Among them:  Motel Hell, Hell Night, Evil Dead, and a bunch of Larry Cohen movies (It’s Alive, Special Effects, The Stuff).  I’m sure you’ve seen many of these on countless other compilations, but I mean are you really going to complain about seeing the Psycho trailer again, especially when it is hands down the greatest trailer of all time?  Didn’t think so.

Another awesome trailer, one that I hadn’t seen before, was for a double feature of The Hex Massacre and Lucifer’s Curse.  If you haven’t heard of those movies before, it’s okay because they are actually just Island of Death and The Chosen playing under new titles.  The best part is that the trailer steals the score from Psycho and uses sound bites from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Speaking of massacres, I also enjoyed seeing the word “Massacre” being misspelled as “Masacre” in the trailer for Drive-In Massacre.

After the horror trailers dry up, things become a bit eclectic.  There are previews for artsy films with exploitation elements (Deep End, Ciao! Manhattan, Immoral Tales) and ‘70s skin flicks (The Working Girls, CB Hustlers, The Pom Pom Girls) before we get an onslaught of comedy ads in the last hour or so.  Some of these trailers are fun (like Dr. Strangelove, The End, and Zapped!), but others feel sorely out of place in a so-called “Drive-In” compilation.  (Clue?  The Princess Bride?  Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?)  Despite that, this is still another winner from Umbrella Entertainment, and I’m sure trailer compilation junkies like me will eat it up.

THE VAMPIRES (1969) ***

 

The Vampires is one of the rare Lucha Libre movies to boast a handful of name stars.  In addition to wrestling superstar Mil Mascaras, we also have Pedro Armandariz Jr., and John Carradine popping up.  Carradine is in the fun opening sequence where he is sitting on the set reading from a book of Poe before disappearing before the audience’s eyes.  Later, he turns up wearing a shitty Dracula cape while locked in a cage by the sexy vampire villainesses.  Many people would be tempted to make a criticism about Carradine’s career here, but all I can say is it’s good work if you can get it.

After winning a wrestling match, Mil Mascaras is nearly run off the road by a speeding car.  When it crashes, Mil investigates to find the car was being driven by… bats!  Naturally, the bats fly off into the night and take the form of sexy vampire women.  Sensing Mil Mascaras is a strong and worthy adversary, they offer him a chance to join their ranks.  Mil Mascaras wants nothing to do with their bargain and sets out to put a stop to their reign of terror once and for all. 

I’ve seen some shitty rubber bat effects in my time, but The Vampires might feature the all-time worst (which is to say, they’re hilarious).  My favorite bit was the scenes where the bats transform into the vampire women.  The camera lingers on a shot of a bat flapping its rubbery wings before slowly dissolving to a shot of a vampire maiden in a green dress flapping her arms!  This is why I love the films of Federico Curiel so much.  The guy could take the barest minimum bargain basement effects and turn them into some sort of B-movie surrealist masterpiece that would make Ed Wood envious.

Another touch I loved was the vampire women’s henchmen.  They wear tight red t-shirts and black berets, which makes them look like villains from an old episode of the Batman TV show.  Also, when they are shot, they disappear, leaving behind only their clothes!  The throne room fight scenes also have a distinct Star Trek feel, which adds to the fun.

Then of course, there is the vampire dance number.  In a typical Lucha Libre horror movie, the big dance number usually has nothing to do with the plot and is only there to pad out the running time.  What makes The Vampires fun is that the big dance number is actually vital to the plot… and by that I mean a bunch of sexy vampire women do a big dance routine, flapping their capes in the air, and twirling around while Carradine (whose voice is dubbed into Spanish) gleefully looks on. 

If the film has a flaw, it’s that it lacks the balls-to-the-walls weirdness Mil Mascaras’ best work has.  Cheesy special effects and costumes aside, it’s fairly straightforward stuff, all things considered.  Even Carradine is a bit wasted as he spends most of the movie locked up.  I would’ve also liked to have seen Maura (The Batwoman) Monti playing the Vampire Queen instead of the boring girlfriend character.  Still, despite those quibbles, fans of Lucha Libre horror cinema are sure to get their money’s worth from this one.

AKA:  The Vampire Girls.

DOCTOR DRACULA (1978) * ½

 

Note:  For whatever reason (probably rights issues), Doctor Dracula, Al Adamson’s cut-and-paste version of the hardcore flick Lucifer’s Women was not included in its entirety on Severin’s Blu-Ray boxset.  As with Bedroom Stewardesses, the scenes he shot, and only the scenes he shot, have been included as a bonus feature.  Seeing how I reviewed this not too long ago, the completist in me figured I would repost it here, if only for posterity’s sake:

ARCHIVE REVIEW:  DOCTOR DRACULA  (1978)  * ½ (ORIGINALLY POSTED:  FEBRUARY 26^TH, 2018)

Producer Sam Sherman got a hold of the softcore skin flick Lucifer’s Women and hired cult director Al Adamson to take all the sex out and put in a bunch of new scenes. The new scenes feature members of his usual stock players such as John Carradine and Regina Carrol.  Because of that, it’s a lot more tolerable than Lucifer’s Women, which was filled with a lot of bad acting.

The central premise of Lucifer’s Women is intact, but Adamson shoehorns a vampire subplot in there.  The narrative was already pretty jumbled to begin with.  The movie already has hypnotism, reincarnation, and Satanists in it.  It’s a small miracle that the new scenes are much more entertaining than the old footage.

If you’re a fan of Adamson, this should go down smooth enough.  I’ll admit, he’s not one of the most competent filmmakers out there, but he does a better-than-expected job at blending the new footage with the old.  It helps that they got Larry Hankin back for the new scenes, so the transitions between the old and new footage is hard to spot in some scenes.

Although most of the movie is bad, the scene where Dracula has sex in a coffin is kinkier and more inventive than anything in the X-Rated Lucifer’s Women.  Adamson also wisely dropped the Paul Thomas subplot, which allows the film to run much smoother.  You still have to sit through those long scenes from Lucifer’s Women though, and let me tell you, they’re twice as hard to get through the second time around.

It’s not all bad though.  I liked it when Carradine name-dropped Elvis in a list of Satanic messengers.  While the new stuff isn’t great, the scenes of Svengali holding seances and Dracula stalking his victims are more entertaining and atmospheric than the stuff the other director came up with.  However, the ending is really dumb and is about as stupid as anything found in Lucifer’s Women.  In fact, it was probably a Two Star movie until the shitty ending brought things to an abrupt halt.

AKA:  Lucifer’s Women.  AKA:  Svengali.

BEDROOM STEWARDESSES (1978) **

As with Nurses for Sale, Sam Sherman and Al Adamson took a Rolf Olsen/Curd Jurgens movie (in this case, The Doctor of St. Pauli), re-edited it, added new footage, and released it in America under a different title  Unfortunately, their version of the film did not end up on the Al Adamson boxset.  Instead, the Adamson-lensed additions were included as a bonus feature.  I was kind of disappointed by this, since the whole point of buying this boxset was to watch every single Al Adamson movie in existence.  

On the bright side, I found The Doctor of St. Pauli on YouTube and was able to do a double feature of that and the Adamson footage from Bedroom Stewardesses.  The Olsen movie is heavily mired with subplots, so I imagine Sherman and Adamson cut a bunch of stuff out to make room for their new scenes.  After seeing both Olsen’s film and Adamson’s additions, I can kind of piece together in my head what the finished product would look like without too much trouble.  (There are many characters who don’t appear on the 1978 version’s IMDb page, so it’s safe to assume they were left on the cutting room floor.) 

The original version is about a kindly doctor named Jan (Jurgens) who treats the poor and downtrodden.  Meanwhile his brother Klaus (Horst Naumann) is a rich, arrogant gynecologist who is up to his eyeballs in gambling debts.  A woman named Margot (Christiane Rucker) holds parties where women are drugged, forced into sex, and then blackmailed.  Among Margot’s blackmail victims is Klaus’ wife.  When he tries to retrieve the negative, a rash of problems, including everything from malpractice to murder occur.   

Adamson’s scenes (which amount to about eighteen minutes) revolve around a stewardess (Jackie Giroux) who is all excited about going to Europe and being invited to Margot’s party.  Once there, she meets a seemingly distinguished party guest (played by Adamson regular, Geoffrey Land) and they instantly hit it off.  Sadly, for her, he’s a perv who roofies her drink and takes advantage of her when she’s passed out. 

Presumably, we wouldn’t have seen her character again until the very end of the movie when she returns home.  It’s here where her roommate (played by another Adamson regular, Sherri Coyle) picks her up at the airport and asks her how everything went, and she essentially says, “Don’t ask”.  Well, if we’ve learned anything from Adamson’s ‘70s output, it’s that his films aren’t exactly woke.

The Doctor of St. Pauli has way too many characters and subplots that get in the way of the sleaze.  Seeing how Nurses for Sale was only sixty-six minutes (about ten or so of which was Adamson’s footage), I’m sure Adamson would’ve cut the film down considerably.  Since I don’t have access to the Adamson directed 1978 version of Bedroom Stewardesses, I can’t say for sure, but judging from all the footage available, I’d guess they kept all the sex party plotlines and cut out a lot of the subplot involving Jurgens’ brother. 

Either way, neither footage contains anything particularly explicit or hot, but there’s just enough of titillation to keep you watching.  We get a nude Bobby and Cissy routine, topless boating, and a funny scene where a topless combo plays in a nightclub.  However, whenever the depressing drama takes center stage away from the T & A, the doldrums set in almost immediately.

AKA:  The Doctor of St. Pauli.  AKA:  Orgy Blackmailer.  AKA:  Street of Sin.  AKA:  The Bedroom.

MACABRE LEGENDS OF THE COLONY (1974) *** ½

 

Mil Mascaras’ tag team partner, Darkness the Giant buys an old painting, ignoring the antique dealer’s warnings that it’s haunted.  After they win a hard-fought wrestling match, the duo retires to Darkness’ home for cocktails, along with their wrestling pal, The White Ghost and their three girlfriends.  At the stroke of midnight, the possessed portrait starts smoking and magically whisks them back in time hundreds of years to colonial Mexico.

The heroes and their girlfriends find themselves in a mansion where the lord has been killed in a duel.  His sexy wife (Lorena Velasquez, looking as luscious as ever), who just so happens to be a part-time Aztec priestess, puts his soul into a mummy, and sets him off on a course for revenge.  Meanwhile, the wrestlers and their gal pals have to find a way home before they are stuck in the past forever. 

It seems like I’ve sat through a lot of paste-up jobs here lately.  I can’t say Macabre Legends of the Colony is a cut-and-paste feature for sure, but it certainly feels like one as the wrestling plotline and the Aztec mummy stuff rarely intersect.  Most of the time, Mil Mascaras and his wrestling pals are off doing Scooby-Doo-style shenanigans while Velasquez is doing her Aztec priestess thing.  In fact, Velasquez and Mil Mascaras don’t even appear on screen together until the last ten minutes of the movie.  

That isn’t necessarily a criticism, just an observation.  The fact is this movie rocks.  It may feel a bit half-assed, but the wrestling scenes are great and horror sequences are legitimately fun.  Even if it does take a while for plots to come together, the great twist ending makes it all worth it.

Velazquez once again proves why she is one of the sexiest ladies in cinema.  Director Arturo Martinez compliments her beauty by filming her from low angles, which also gives her an intimidating presence.  Martinez handles the mummy sequences nicely too.  The scene where it comes to life is surprisingly eerie and effective.  I also enjoyed the little asides with the monk who has a face like the monster in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein who plays the organ like the Phantom of the Opera.

We’ve seen how great Mil Mascaras can be in these movies, but it’s Darkness the Giant who really steals the show.  He’s so full of himself that it’s fun when he gets taken down a peg.  He also has an awesome black and yellow mask that makes his head look like Pac-Man.  His tag team match with Mil is a real slobber knocker too.  It lasts nearly fifteen minutes and goes the full three falls.  It’s the final wrestling match that really puts the flick over the top though as the surprise ending will leave you grinning from ear to ear. 

SCHIZOID (1980) ** ½

Marianna (Messiah of Evil) Hill stars as a recently divorced advice columnist who attends group therapy sessions ran by her shrink (and secret lover) Klaus Kinski.  Meanwhile, a maniac in black gloves is stalking and stabbing members of the group with a pair of extremely sharp scissors.  Hill is also receiving threatening messages in the mail that are possibly from the killer.  The line of suspects includes Kinski’s potentially crazy daughter (Donna Wilkes from Angel and Jaws 2), Hill’s jealous ex-husband (Body Double’s Craig Wasson), and a patient with a hot temper (Christopher Lloyd).

Schizoid is notable for being one of the first Golan-Globus Cannon productions, and for being an early entry in the ‘80s slasher craze.  Because the subgenre hadn’t really worked all its kinks out yet, it often feels like a ‘70s giallo, thanks to the black-gloved killer.  Still, there’s enough slasher movie touches (POV shots, horny teens, a healthy dose of nudity, a cool electronic score, etc.) to fit comfortably within the confines of the label. 

Although it’s not entirely successful, Schizoid is a solid enough effort.  The pacing kind of stalls out once the police investigation gets underway, and the ending is a bit drawn out.  It’s not enough to completely derail the movie or anything, but the finale is sorely lacking the pizzazz of the first act. 

It helps that the cast is stellar for this kind of thing.  Kinski underplays his role to a surprising degree, which helps give his character an unpredictable energy.  Hill makes for a much more mature Final Girl than we are used to seeing.  The underrated actress (who was terrific in High Plains Drifter) delivers a fine central performance that connects all the crazies together.  Wasson is spot-on as the asshole ex and Lloyd does a good job imbuing his character with a sense of potential menace.  My favorite performance though came from Wilkes, who plays Kinski’s sexpot Lolita daughter.  She has a great nude scene where Kinski pervs on her that is some truly unsettling shit.     

Speaking of unsettling, the stalk n’ slash scenes are well done.  The opening scene where a woman on a bike is chased down by the killer really cooks.  Director David Paulsen (who also did the solid shocker Savage Weekend) delivers the kills in stylish fashion, and it makes you wish he continued on with the genre instead of heading to television where he produced shit like Dallas, Dynasty, and Knots Landing.  Come back to us, Dave, we miss you.

A cop played by Murphy Brown’s Joe Regalbuto gets the best line of the movie when he says, “The law works in mysterious ways!”

AKA:  Schizo!  AKA:  Murder by Mail.