HURRICANE RAMIREZ AND THE BLACK NUN (1973) *

Remember the Black Nun, Hurricane Ramirez’s nemesis from The Son of Hurricane Ramirez?  You know, the one with the cool I Was a Teenage Frankenstein face and nun habit?  Well, despite the fact that this is called Hurricane Ramirez and the Black Nun, he ain’t in this one.  The nun in this one is a black nun.  Talk about a bait and switch. 

Come to think of it, the movie should really be called The Black Nun and Hurricane Ramirez because Hurricane doesn’t appear until an hour into the flick.  Until then, you are stuck with a lot of unfunny comedy shenanigans involving the nun trying to do good deeds.  The fact that I watched an un-subtitled version didn’t help matters.

Mostly, it’s about the nun getting into one predicament after another.  She gets a mute boy to help her reclaim some golden religious artifacts for the church without realizing a gang of shady characters are using the knickknacks to smuggle drugs.  Eventually, she gets in a heap of trouble with the gangsters who run the operation, and it’s up to Hurricane Ramirez to get her out of a tight jam.

This is probably the worst Lucha Libre movie I’ve ever seen, mostly because the non-wrestling scenes are often painful to sit through.  I mean, that first hour was so slow moving that I put it on 1.5 about halfway through and it still felt like it was moving like molasses going uphill.  Once Hurricane enters the picture, things improve, but only slightly.  There’s an OK Royal Rumble scene, but by the time Hurricane is squaring off in the ring while the nun is being kidnapped, I was fighting to stay awake.

I’m not sure if the original Black Nun character could’ve saved this mess, but he certainly couldn’t have hurt.  Heck, the Flying Nun would’ve been welcome.  I hate to say this, but after joyfully watching Lucha Libre movies over and over again for the past few months, this one might be the one that makes me swear off the genre for a while. 

BLOOD AND FLESH: THE REEL LIFE AND GHASTLY DEATH OF AL ADAMSON (2019) *** ½

What better way to wash down thirty-two Al Adamson movies than with David Gregory’s documentary on the man, the myth, the legend that is Al Adamson?  Fans of the schlock director will already be familiar with some of the wild yarns that are spun about him, but it’s great to see so many of his cast and crew together in one place and dragging out the well-worn chestnuts yet again.  Find out how he broke into the business, made and remade (and remade) a flimsy crime thriller so it could eventually be resold as a horror movie, worked with up-and-coming cinematographers, worked with down-and-out actors, and even convinced Colonel Sanders to star in one of his movies. 

Guys like Sam Sherman are a wealth of knowledge not only about movies, but the business itself.  He had more than just a business partnership with Al, they were the best of friends.  His stories and memories are among the best in the whole movie.  We also get some great and insightful footage of Al himself from his last known interview.  He knew he wasn’t Hitchcock or anything, but he was damned proud of his work, especially given the time and budget constraints he was shooting under. 

In the last half-hour, the film goes from being a celebration of the man to a sort of true crime show as the details of his final days are chronicled.  Many state the fine points of his gruesome murder could make for its own horror movie, but I think that’s a little crass.  What happed to him was just plain terrible and sad.  Luckily for Al and his family, justice was served.

Throughout the documentary, it’s nice to see guys like Chris Poggiali and David Konow, who have encyclopedic knowledge of all things Adamson, being interviewed.  Speaking of encyclopedias, I can’t tell you how good it was to see The Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film’s Michael J. Weldon being interviewed about Adamson.  Weldon is the number one reason why I do what I do.  I was lucky enough to be invited to lunch with him back in ’02 when I visited his store in Chincoteague, Virginia, and I have never forgotten his kindness and support.  I couldn’t think of a better note to end my two-month journey into the world of Al Adamson on than seeing him speaking about Adamson in such a scholarly manner. 

LOST (1983) * ½

 

After a lengthy career spanning three decades and over thirty movies, Al Adamson’s final film proved to be 1983’s Lost.  Like the one that came before it, Carnival Magic, it’s made for children, but it’s sorely lacking the weirdness that made that picture memorable.  It’s much closer to an After School Special than anything you’d normally associate with the guy who gave us Dracula vs. Frankenstein and Satan’s Sadists.

Ostensibly a comeback vehicle for ‘50s dream girl Sandra Dee, Lost tells the story of a little girl named Buddy (this is the second Adamson film in a row in which the lead girl is called “Buddy”), played by Sheila Newhouse, who is unhappy to be stuck in the middle of Utah with her mom (Dee) and new stepfather (Don Stewart, also the star of Carnival Magic).  Unable to find common ground with her and her stepfather, Buddy becomes increasingly rebellious.  When her pet donkey has to be put down, the distraught Buddy takes off into the wilderness with her pet dog, Skipper, and it doesn’t take long before they become… well… read the title. 

Lost isn’t the worst picture in the Adamson filmography.  It’s just his least essential.  (You could possibly make a case for dullest, but I think that goes to Five Bloody Graves.) The usual oddball touches that his fans love are nowhere to be found here as the whole thing looks like a '70s Made for TV Movie.  Technically, it’s much shoddier than Carnival Magic.  The cutting between day and night and sun and rain is often laughable.  Still, at least there’s only one plotline to follow and no annoying subplots to bog things down. 

As someone who has sat through all his films, it is fun seeing Adamson ripping off the latest trend.  In this case, it’s the resurgence of dog-related kids’ movies like Benji.  Lost also gets some mileage out of the supporting cast filled with familiar faces from television and westerns.  Gunsmoke’s Ken Curtis gets a fine monologue about the spirituality of farming that probably ranks as the single best acted scene in Adamson’s entire career.  Jack Elam on the other hand, will grate on your nerves as the old timer mountain man who helps Buddy on her quest.

Overall, Lost just ain’t my cup of tea.  It’s just hard to work up much enthusiasm over what is essentially a Benji rip-off, especially after sitting through two months chockfull of wild women, bloody brains, naughty nurses, and sexy stewardesses.  I wish Adamson’s career had ended on a higher note, but at least it’s not as out-and-out terrible as something like Five Bloody Graves or Blood of Ghastly Horror.

CARNIVAL MAGIC (1983) **

I reviewed Carnival Magic a while ago, but in the ensuing years, it has kind of become a staple in my household thanks to repeated viewings on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It’s one of the best episodes of the show’s revival, and the film’s offbeat nature is a perfect fit for Jonah and the ‘bots’ riffing style.  Watching it for the first time in a long while un-riffed as part of the Al Adamson boxset, I still am of the same opinion I had when I first saw it. 

I don’t have any new revelations to share with you.  Seeing the film within its chronological context of Adamson’s body of work, I find it interesting that his final two movies (his next being Lost) are children’s fare.  I don’t see this so much as Adamson branching out and trying something new, rather just hitting on a craze he had previously untapped early in his career. 

Speaking of untapped, it’s nice to see Adamson’s wife, Regina Carrol in a decently sized role as Markov the Magnificent’s assistant.  She gives a naturalistic performance that is easily one of the best things about the movie.  It’s a definite improvement on her grating performance in Blazing Stewardesses, that’s for sure.  

It’s always fun seeing what kind of trend Adamson would try to rip off.  Here, there’s a completely gratuitous scene where the talking chimp Alex steals a car and leads a bunch of dumb cops on a high-speed pursuit.  The country obviously still had Smokey and the Bandit on the brain, and leave it to Adamson to give moviegoers a twist on what was all the rage at the time.  I mean, we saw several car chases in Smokey’s wake, but have we seen one with a talking chimp?  I think not.

Unfortunately, the movie is too uneven to really work as either a children’s film or a WTF masterpiece.  The carny drama is rather flat, which makes the oddball elements sit uncomfortably with the rest of the picture.  The subplot with the evil doctor bent on dissecting the talking chimp feels really out of place in such a saccharine kiddie matinee show.  Also, the magic show scenes (many of which play out in real time) and long carnival montages bog things down considerably.  Despite these flaws, this is by far one of the most coherent works by Adamson, who was working with his highest budget to date.

Here’s my original review from a while back:

 

ARCHIVE REVIEW:  CARNIVAL MAGIC  (1983)  ** (ORIGINALLY POSTED:  MARCH 26^TH, 2011)

Markov the Magnificent is a carnival magician who has a talking chimpanzee named Alex.  He doesn’t like exploiting Alex but when the carnival is on the verge of closing, Markov agrees to put Alex in the show.  When Markov and Alex’s act becomes a big hit, it draws the attention of a scientist who wants to study the talking chimp.  Markov says no way Jose, but a disgruntled lion tamer decides to help the sketchy scientist kidnap poor Alex.  Markov then gets the help of his fellow carnies to rescue his simian buddy.

Carnival Magic is a bizarre kiddie movie directed by exploitation maverick Al (Dracula vs. Frankenstein) Adamson.  It’s heavily padded with lame magic acts and scenes of people on carnival rides and features some truly awful music.  It’s not very good and doesn’t quite work as camp but the flick is just so offbeat (and surprisingly earnest) to completely write it off.  And ironically, this is one of Adamson’s more coherent movies.

A lot of credit has to go to Alex the talking chimp.  It would’ve been easy to just dub in an obviously fake sounding voice like on Lancelot Link, but the throaty growl Alex speaks with sounds almost plausible.  Actually, when he talks he kinda sounds like E.T.  I have to think Spielberg saw this movie before he made E.T. because not only does the chimp sound like E.T., he also dies and miraculously comes back to life in the end.

I can’t say I really enjoyed Carnival Magic, but I’m glad I saw it.  Fans of Adamson’s work (or weird movies in general) will definitely want to check it out.  It beats going to a real carnival, that’s for sure.

BRIDE OF VHS DELIRIUM (2019) ***

 

The second installment in the Drive-In Delirium sister series, VHS Delirium offers ninety more minutes of (mostly ‘80s) home video previews.  They are presented here in loving standard definition.  Unlike the Drive-In Delirium series, no attempt has been made to clean these bad boys up.  They look like they were ripped directly from a shoddy VCR, the way God intended. 

There are many more full-length trailers this time out, which is a plus.  They include:  The Beyond, Cannibal Apocalypse, Creepers, The Dark, Epitaph, The Evictors, The House on Sorority Row, I Spit on Your Grave, LA Crackdown, Madman, The Mutilator, Night of the Zombies, Rape Squad, Savage Man… Savage Beast (complete with a warning:  “This Film  Contains Scenes That May Offend”), The Slayer, Splatter University, Squirm, Trapped, Dario Argento’s World of Horror, Bloody New Year, Blood Theatre, Silent Night Deadly Night (“The Movie They Tried to Ban!”), Silent Night Deadly Night 2, The Initiation, Spookies, The Return of Count Yorga, Tenebrae, Demons 2, Reborn, Sole Survivor, Android, The Lost Empire, Prisoners of the Lost Universe, Battle for the Lost Planet, Brother from Another Planet, Hamburger:  The Motion Picture, Pinball Summer, Stitches, Hot Dog… The Movie, Waitress!, Stuck on You!, The First Turn-On, Feelin’ Up, The Princess and The Call Girl, Blackout, The Guardian, Family and Honor (AKA:  Don’t Mess with My Sister!), The Professor, Golden Needles, Diva, Ms. .45 (under the title Rape Squad), Pray for Death, Rage of Honor, The Retaliator, Feel the Heat, Survival Game, Commando Squad, Double Revenge, Rage to Kill, and Snake Eater.  The compilation then wraps up with a promo for an Australian video company called Palace Films that includes clips from The Gate and The Wraith, among many others.

I’ve seen many of these trailers before (some were even in other Drive-In Delirium collections), but the grainy picture quality and full frame presentation definitely adds to the overall effect of recreating the glory days of VHS.  However, there plenty of movies here I haven’t heard of and probably would track down just on the basis of the trailers alone.  Because of that, Bride of VHS Delirium is yet another worthy addition to my ever-growing movie trailer compilation collection.

DRIVE-IN DELIRIUM: DEAD BY DAWN (2019) *** ½

 

Drive-In Delirium:  Dead by Dawn is the fourth collection of classic drive-in, exploitation, and horror movie trailers from Umbrella Entertainment.  This time out, they set the Way Back Machine even further into the past as this installment kicks off with a string of trailers from such ‘50s monster mashes as It Came from Beneath the Sea, The Monster That Challenged the World, and 20 Million Miles to Earth.  From there, we segue into When Animals Attack flicks (Night of the Lepus, Food of the Gods, and a cool trailer for a double feature of Willard and Ben) before touching on Hammer horror (Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb, The Gorgon, Dracula A.D. 1972), and Ozploitation (The Cars That Ate Paris, The Last Wave, Next of Kin).  The first half of the disc wraps up with an impressive line-up of giallos (Five Dolls for an August Moon, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Short Night of Glass Dolls) and other assorted Italian-made terrors (Opera, Nightmare Beach, Beyond the Door).

After a short intermission (including a Kool-Aid commercial featuring The Monkees and Bugs Bunny), the second half kicks off with trailers for William Castle shockers (13 Ghosts, Homicidal, Strait-Jacket) before going on a marathon of mostly chronological previews of horror films.  Among them:  Motel Hell, Hell Night, Evil Dead, and a bunch of Larry Cohen movies (It’s Alive, Special Effects, The Stuff).  I’m sure you’ve seen many of these on countless other compilations, but I mean are you really going to complain about seeing the Psycho trailer again, especially when it is hands down the greatest trailer of all time?  Didn’t think so.

Another awesome trailer, one that I hadn’t seen before, was for a double feature of The Hex Massacre and Lucifer’s Curse.  If you haven’t heard of those movies before, it’s okay because they are actually just Island of Death and The Chosen playing under new titles.  The best part is that the trailer steals the score from Psycho and uses sound bites from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Speaking of massacres, I also enjoyed seeing the word “Massacre” being misspelled as “Masacre” in the trailer for Drive-In Massacre.

After the horror trailers dry up, things become a bit eclectic.  There are previews for artsy films with exploitation elements (Deep End, Ciao! Manhattan, Immoral Tales) and ‘70s skin flicks (The Working Girls, CB Hustlers, The Pom Pom Girls) before we get an onslaught of comedy ads in the last hour or so.  Some of these trailers are fun (like Dr. Strangelove, The End, and Zapped!), but others feel sorely out of place in a so-called “Drive-In” compilation.  (Clue?  The Princess Bride?  Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?)  Despite that, this is still another winner from Umbrella Entertainment, and I’m sure trailer compilation junkies like me will eat it up.

THE VAMPIRES (1969) ***

 

The Vampires is one of the rare Lucha Libre movies to boast a handful of name stars.  In addition to wrestling superstar Mil Mascaras, we also have Pedro Armandariz Jr., and John Carradine popping up.  Carradine is in the fun opening sequence where he is sitting on the set reading from a book of Poe before disappearing before the audience’s eyes.  Later, he turns up wearing a shitty Dracula cape while locked in a cage by the sexy vampire villainesses.  Many people would be tempted to make a criticism about Carradine’s career here, but all I can say is it’s good work if you can get it.

After winning a wrestling match, Mil Mascaras is nearly run off the road by a speeding car.  When it crashes, Mil investigates to find the car was being driven by… bats!  Naturally, the bats fly off into the night and take the form of sexy vampire women.  Sensing Mil Mascaras is a strong and worthy adversary, they offer him a chance to join their ranks.  Mil Mascaras wants nothing to do with their bargain and sets out to put a stop to their reign of terror once and for all. 

I’ve seen some shitty rubber bat effects in my time, but The Vampires might feature the all-time worst (which is to say, they’re hilarious).  My favorite bit was the scenes where the bats transform into the vampire women.  The camera lingers on a shot of a bat flapping its rubbery wings before slowly dissolving to a shot of a vampire maiden in a green dress flapping her arms!  This is why I love the films of Federico Curiel so much.  The guy could take the barest minimum bargain basement effects and turn them into some sort of B-movie surrealist masterpiece that would make Ed Wood envious.

Another touch I loved was the vampire women’s henchmen.  They wear tight red t-shirts and black berets, which makes them look like villains from an old episode of the Batman TV show.  Also, when they are shot, they disappear, leaving behind only their clothes!  The throne room fight scenes also have a distinct Star Trek feel, which adds to the fun.

Then of course, there is the vampire dance number.  In a typical Lucha Libre horror movie, the big dance number usually has nothing to do with the plot and is only there to pad out the running time.  What makes The Vampires fun is that the big dance number is actually vital to the plot… and by that I mean a bunch of sexy vampire women do a big dance routine, flapping their capes in the air, and twirling around while Carradine (whose voice is dubbed into Spanish) gleefully looks on. 

If the film has a flaw, it’s that it lacks the balls-to-the-walls weirdness Mil Mascaras’ best work has.  Cheesy special effects and costumes aside, it’s fairly straightforward stuff, all things considered.  Even Carradine is a bit wasted as he spends most of the movie locked up.  I would’ve also liked to have seen Maura (The Batwoman) Monti playing the Vampire Queen instead of the boring girlfriend character.  Still, despite those quibbles, fans of Lucha Libre horror cinema are sure to get their money’s worth from this one.

AKA:  The Vampire Girls.