CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (1980) *

This was recorded off Turner Classics Movies on July 16, 2017 as part of their TCM Underground line-up.  They always played great and/or obscure stuff in the early hours under this banner.  Unfortunately, I think if I tried to watch this one at four in the morning I would’ve nodded right back to sleep.

Stacy Keach stars as a psychiatrist sent to run a military asylum housed in an old castle in the fog-shrouded Pacific Northwest.  He implements an open-door policy which allows the inmates to enter his office at all hours and spill their insane ramblings.  It doesn't take long to discover the new shrink might not be what he seems.

The Ninth Configuration was written and directed by William Peter Blatty who of course, wrote The Exorcist.  Just because you can write one of the most famous movies of all times doesn’t necessarily make you a candidate for the director’s chair.  In fact, it often feels like a kindred spirit to Blatty’s much-maligned The Exorcist 3, but without the supernatural trappings as both involve nuthouses and patients who run on at the mouth to no end.  (There is a tenuous link to The Exorcist, although it’s so inconsequential I don’t even know why I brought it up.)

Often times, The Ninth Configuration feels like a bad Altman movie as people run around babbling while others hang about the frame and do other bits of side business.  Or maybe it’s like a bad amateur-hour play where everyone gets to spout unending monologues about God-knows-what while the audience is forced to look on, bewildered.  In any case, it’s just plain bad. 

What’s worse is that it manages to waste a rather incredible cast, mostly because all they get to do is pace around frantically and scream over one another.  Scott Wilson is particularly annoying as an astronaut with a screw (and then some) loose.  Robert Loggia gets to yell and cuss like Robert Loggia, but that’s about it.  Blatty even found time to reunite with The Exorcist’s Jason Miller, but unfortunately, he’s rather grating too.  You know you’re in trouble when the always reliable Joe Spinnell is stuck with nothing to do.  You have to feel sorry for Keach as all he does is sit behind a desk and listen to these assholes rage on endlessly.  The only actor who manages a tiny spark is Neville Brand as the harried Major in charge of the facility. 

I guess it goes without saying what the “twist” is going to be.  Heck, even one of the inmates figures it out about halfway through, and he’s as crazy as a shithouse rat.  In fact, the only unpredictable part is near the end when the movie weirdly turns into a biker flick as Keach and Wilson square off against some scuzzy bikers (Steve Sandor and Richard Lynch).  This scene isn’t exactly good or anything, but at least it has a pulse, which is more than I can say for the rest of the picture.

In short, The Ninth Configuration isn’t even worth configuring once.

AKA:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Killer Kane.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RASPUTIN: THE MAD MONK (1966) ***

 

I have had this on my DVR since June 2, 2017 when it aired on Turner Classic Movies.  It tells the tale of Rasputin (Christopher Lee), the drunken, psychotic sociopath who just so happens to be a priest.  After using his mystical healing powers to save an innkeeper’s wife, he trades on his “good” deed by running up a huge bar tab and trying to make time with their daughter.  When her fiancé tries to intervene, Rasputin cuts his hand off for meddling in his affairs.  Rasputin is eventually run out of the place and he heads to the capital where he sets his sights on infiltrating the czar’s inner circle through deceit, manipulation, and mesmerism.

Rasputin the Mad Monk was made by Hammer Studios and stars one of their most legendary actors.  Even though it is by and large a historical drama, it is more or less staged like their average horror offering, which is okay by me.  As a costume drama, it kind of falters whenever Lee isn’t on screen. 

Oh, but when Lee is on screen—LOOK OUT!  In a career of exciting, scary, and intense performances, this has to rank among his best.  He simply commands the screen, dominating all those around him and reducing them far into the background.  With his burning eyes, towering posture, and giant hands, Lee makes for an intimidating figure.  He is clearly relishing his over the top role and sometimes slips into near-Nicolas Cage levels of scenery chewing. 

The film’s first act is its strongest when we see Rasputin preying on the weak and unfortunate.  Once he worms his way into the czar’s court, it begins to lose a bit of its edge, if only because it was a lot more fun when Rasputin was acting like a goddamn wild man instead of trying to put on an air of respectability.  Things heat up for the finale though as director Don (The Curse of the Fly) Sharp is able to stick the landing with panache.  Sure, it may not technically be a horror movie, but there’s enough acid-throwing, poisoning, and (literal) backstabbing in the last ten minutes to live up to the Hammer brand.   

AKA:  Rasputin.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE FANTASTIC MAGIC BABY (1975) ** ½

This was the second part of a double feature of Shaw Brothers classics I DVR’d from El Rey.  It’s been sitting in the machine idle ever since June 1^st, 2017.  How can I neglect a movie called The Fantastic Magic Baby like that?

Directed by Chang (The Assassin) Cheh, The Fantastic Magic Baby is an adaptation of Journey into the West, a classic of Chinese literature.  Since it is deeply rooted in Chinese tradition, culture, and folklore, it’s all a little confusing for a decadent westerner like me.  Still, it’s colorful, weird, and short (only 61 minutes long), so it’s hard to completely dismiss.

The gods send their son Red Boy (Ting Wa-Chung) down to Earth to collect an offering from the humans.  When Red Boy is insulted, he kidnaps a ruler.  It is then up to his faithful companions Monkey King (Lau Chung-Chun) and his pal Pigsy (Chen I-Ho), a dude with a pig snout and long ears, to get the ruler back. 

The Fantastic Magic Baby is a weird fucking movie, which is okay, because I like weird fucking movies.  However, there are a couple of things that prevent it from really taking off and becoming a WTF classic.  First off, the so-called “Fantastic Magic Baby” is just an upstart teenager, so if you were expecting a Kung Fu Baby or something, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  That’s strike one.  Strike two is the fact that the fight scenes are more like something out of a Peking Opera dance routine than a Venom Mob movie.  In fact, many times, the film just stops cold for a little mini-dance number.

The good news is there isn’t a strike three.  Despite the rip-off of a title character and watered-down action, The Fantastic Magic Baby is almost weird enough to let all that slide.  Sometimes, it resembles a Chinese version of The Wizard of Oz, what with the walking Kung Fu trees, humans in shitty animal make-up, and impromptu dance numbers.  It even has a contrived ending that relies heavily on deus ex machina, just like The Wizard of Oz.  So, if you don’t go in expecting a typical martial arts movie and think of it as more of The Wizard of Kung Fu Oz, it will go down a lot smoother.  All this is wildly uneven to be sure, but you could certainly find worse ways to spend 61 minutes. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE ASSASSIN (1967) ** ½

Here’s another flick from the block of El Rey programming that’s been clogging up my DVR since June 1^st, 2017.  It was broadcast as part of “Morning Martial Arts” during a Chang Cheh double feature.  The other movie was the incredibly titled, The Fantastic Magic Baby, which I just can’t wait to get to. But first, let’s talk about The Assassin. 

The Assassin stars the great Jimmy Wang Yu (the same year he collaborated with Cheh for the iconic The One-Armed Swordsman) as a martial arts student who has a sweet romance with a peasant girl.  When an upper-class swordsman tries to put the moves on her, Jimmy defends her honor and is challenged to a duel.  At the duel, the asshole tries to give Jimmy a cheap shot and is disqualified.  He then gets his revenge by telling the government Jimmy’s teacher is a rebel spy, leading to his murder.  Even though Jimmy is a great swordfighter, he’s also something of a mama’s boy, and when his mother forbids him from exacting revenge, he opts to drop out of sight and become a lowly butcher.  Once his mother kicks the bucket however, Jimmy grabs his blade and sets out on a bloody path of vengeance.

The first act of The Assassin is a good sampler of what makes the work of Chang Cheh so great.  It’s filled with scenes of honor, chivalry, and of course, bloody swordfights.  Things sort of settle down once Wang Yu puts away his sword though.  I mean it’s one thing for Jimmy to sit around and twiddle his thumbs, but the movie kind of does the same thing too.  The romantic subplot that occurs midstream also helps to bog things down (although it does account for a quick glimpse of nudity).

The final reel is a real sizzler though, so that helps to overcome many of the film’s pacing problems.  It is here where Jimmy Wang Yu does all the things you’d want to see him do, namely, fly around on wires, reverse-motion jump onto high walls, and stab the shit out of hundreds of guys.  Even then, the movie manages to go on with five extra minutes of unnecessarily tying up loose plot threads that didn’t need to be tied up in the first place. 

Ultimately, The Assassin isn’t the definitive pairing between Yu and Cheh one would hope for.  Still, it’s worth checking out for action fans who enjoy old school Shaw Brothers martial arts movies.  It’s just a shame that there’s a huge chunk where fuck-all happens, which is the reason I can’t give it the full *** treatment.

AKA:  The Great Assassin.

THE EMPIRE OF DRACULA (1967) ***

After a long drag-out fight, Baron Draculstein (Eric del Castillo) is finally staked and crumbles to dust.  His familiar eventually revives the bloodthirsty Baron and he soon sets out putting the bite on more comely females.  It’s then up to our stock hero type to come along and put an end to Draculstein’s reign of terror. 

One of the things I love about these Mexican horror movies is that they have great names for their monsters.  In The Invasion of the Vampires, it was Count Frankenhausen.  Here, we get Baron Draculstein. 

The Empire of Dracula was directed by one of the greats of Mexican horror cinema, Federico Curiel, and it is a solid vampire potboiler.  The lap-dissolve transformation, decaying, and resurrection scenes look like something out of an old Universal movie, and Curiel takes a few visual cues from Tod Browning’s original Dracula as well.  The scenes involving a rogue carriage will remind you of Nosferatu too.    

The scene where Draculstein is resurrected is a bit kinkier than your typical vampire movie of the day.  The familiar suspends a busty woman above Drac’s coffin, jabs her in between the boobs, and lets the blood cascade down onto the Baron’s corpse.  It definitely feels like something that would be in a risqué Hammer film.

Like the other Mexican vampire movies I’ve been watching, The Empire of Dracula follows its own set of rules.  You know how most vampires can’t see their reflections in a mirror?  Well, the vampire babes in this one can actually walk through mirrors.  It’s a neat touch that is at the very least memorable. 

As with many of these things, the plot gets extremely bogged down whenever it’s just a bunch of people sitting around and talking.  This wasn’t helped by the fact that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  Although Curiel can’t always keep the film moving, he sure keeps the camera moving around a lot, which at least helps amp up the atmosphere a little.

He also piles on the action to compensate for the talky passages.  In addition to the lengthy fistfights and brawls that occur throughout the film, Curiel delivers one heck of a crackling sequence when Drac hops aboard a speeding coach and attacks the driver while the horses are plowing full steam ahead.  This sequence feels almost like something out of a western and is brimming with action, suspense, and great camerawork.  The hero also gets into a great swordfight with the Count, which culminates in the crossed swords creating a cross-shaped shadow, causing the bloodsucker to retreat.  Hey, when your Mexican vampire flick is packed with this much action, who needs subtitles?

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: BUS DRIVER (2016) ***

Here’s another film from the old DVR, this one recorded off the El Rey Network.  One of the saddest things about cutting the cable cord was not being able to watch El Rey on a regular basis as they had quite an eclectic line-up of movies.  Bus Driver was part of a morning block I recorded that includes two Shaw Brothers Kung Fu flicks I hope to review very soon. 

Bus Driver is a fun and surprising low budget actioner that is a real sleeper.  The only names in the cast are Robert Forster, who plays a general, and Michael Bailey (The Hills Have Eyes remake) Smith as the villainess’ right-hand man.  It’s kind of like a roadside variation of a Die Hard clone.  Instead of the wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time guy being a cop, it’s a bus driver.  There’s also an element of First Blood too as the hero everyone assumes to be just an ordinary citizen happens to be a former super soldier with a deadly skill set. 

Said bus driver (Steve Daron) is hauling a bunch of disciplinary problems around in a school bus on a field trip.  When the bus gets a flat tire, they go to a nearby ranch for help.  Naturally, that’s where a mess of drug dealers are hiding out.  When the kids uncover their stash, the leader (Holly Elissa) orders her goons to kill them.  Of course, the only one who can save the day is the seemingly unremarkable bus driver who unbeknownst to everyone used to be a kick-ass soldier before he started driving buses. 

Daron underplays the hero role and is a bit one-note, but that only helps to perfectly set up his character.  Once he starts to kick ass, he does start to have something of a screen presence, but not much.  Elissa’s villainess character is well done though as she proves to be an interesting foil for Daron.  Unfortunately, Forster only appears in the end as the Col. Trautman-like character in a scene that looks like it was intended to set up a sequel (which I would totally be down for).  It’s Steven Chase who steals the movie though, giving a fun performance as the foulmouthed chaperone “Gooch”.  We also get a great turn by Olivia Alexander as the sexy slut of the group who sexts everyone topless pics of herself and engages in a completely gratuitous but totally awesome sex scene. 

This scene just serves to underline that Bus Driver isn’t meant to be taken seriously for a second.  It also wastes no time getting down to the nitty gritty, which is greatly appreciated.  It’s only 75 minutes long, and it only takes about 15 of them before the boobies, bullets, and blood starts flying.  Director Brian Herzlinger does a nice job on the action scenes given the budgetary restraints.  I especially liked the sequences that rewind and fast forward so the audience can see just how resourceful our hero can be.

I thought Herzlinger’s name sounded familiar, so I looked him up on IMDb.  I was shocked to find out he’s the guy who made that My Date with Drew movie where he basically stalked Drew Barrymore.  As it turns out he also … uh… directed My Truth:  The Rape of the Two Coreys.  I haven’t seen those two movies, but if Bus Driver is any indication, Herzlinger should probably stick to making fun action-comedies like this one.

Like its main character, Bus Driver doesn’t look like much, but it’s got it where it counts.  Beyond its unassuming exterior lies a fun little B picture with a sense of humor.  It knows exactly what it is and how to get the job done.  You have to respect that.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE (2016) ***

Okay, so we’re only about a week away from the annual 31 Days of Horror-Ween festivities where I watch nothing but horror movies for a month straight, followed by November’s Halloween Hangover where I watch all the horror movies I didn’t get to watch in October.  When I started the Al Adamson marathon in August, I thought that would carry me over into October, but as it turned out, I was able to finish earlier than expected.  I could start the 31 Days celebration a week early, but I figured I would instead take the time to do a little fall cleaning and watch as many movies from my DVR as I can before the end of September.  Since there are a few horror flicks sitting in the DVR, I may save them for later and watch some of them as part of the 31 Days marathon if and when I have a chance to squeeze in an extra movie or two.  For now, I’m going try to declutter all the films that have been sitting in my DVR for the past three years or so (over 170 hours’ worth, to be more precise).

First up is Central Intelligence.  I think I added this when I had a free preview of HBO (the date on the DVR said April 25, 2017).  Usually whenever we got a free preview of something, I would just tape as many movies as I could and come back and watch them later, even if it wasn’t something I was particularly interested in.  Central Intelligence kind of falls into that category.  I mean, I would watch it, but I wouldn’t necessarily pay to see it, so it made sense to put it on the DVR during a free preview.

Kevin Hart stars as an accountant who peaked in high school.  When he was a teenager, he witnessed a fat kid being bullied and tried to help him.  Twenty years go by, and that kid has now transformed into Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who friends Hart on Facebook and suggests they go out for drinks.  Turns out he’s a rogue CIA agent who needs Hart’s accounting skills to stop an online transaction between a shadowy hacker and a terrorist group.  Predictable action-comedy hijinks ensue. 

Central Intelligence is exactly the movie you think it’s going to be.  There are no surprises here as the film follows a cliched action-comedy formula that has already been done several times over several decades.  That isn’t exactly a bad thing, especially when the leads have so much chemistry together and the laughs are there. 

Obviously, the action will not be mistaken for The Raid.  However, director Rawson Marshall (Dodgeball:  A True Underdog Story) Thurber injects just enough humor into the scenarios to make it work.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see The Rock get punched by a motorcycle, or use a banana as a deadly weapon, here’s your chance.  The humor doesn’t always hit the mark (the cameos vary in degrees of success), but it’s hard not to like any movie in which The Rock threatens to rip out someone’s throat “like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse”. 

The film’s strong suit is the interplay between The Rock and Kevin Hart.  You can tell they are just having a ball playing off of one another and their repartee is just funny enough to make you forget about all the cliches (it’s another one of those high school reunion movies) and predictable plot points (like the true identity of the villain).  I also have to give the poster props for having the tagline:  “Saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson”, easily the best tagline since The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio’s “It’s not his nose that grows!”

All involved clearly had a blast working with one another as Hart and The Rock later went on to star in two Jumanji movies together and Thurber and The Rock went on to team up for Skyscraper and the upcoming Red Notice.