SWEET REVENGE (1987) ** ½

Nancy Allen stars as a reporter named Jillian Grey who is doing a story on sex traffickers.  While trying to get her scoop, she winds up kidnapped by the white slavers along with two wannabe models (Michele Little and Gina Gershon).  Together, they make a daring escape from the clutches of the villain, Cicero (Martin Landau) with the help of Boone (Knots Landing’s Ted Shackleford), a shady, but loveable black marketeer.  When Cicero kidnaps Jillian’s daughter, the team join forces to get her back. 

Sweet Revenge is a silly, uneven, but mostly entertaining adventure picture.  It suffers from an identity crisis as it can’t seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be a sexploitation flick or a cheap Indiana Jones rip-off.  Shackleford is especially entertaining as the ne’er-do-well adventurer who finds himself in one precarious situation after the other.  He has a good chemistry with Allen, who kind of feels like she’s acting in an entirely different movie sometimes.  Gershon also steals scenes as one of her tough but spunky pals.

Sweet Revenge sometimes feels like an early Jim Wynorski movie.  There’s even a completely gratuitous nude scene featuring Little and Gershon under a waterfall that only feels like it was there to earn the silly film an R rating.  Director Mark Sobel (who spent much of his career working in TV) pretty much throws everything at the wall and sees what sticks, and thankfully, things stick more often than not. 

This could’ve worked as a sleazy exploitation flick about escaping white slavery, but it often pulls its punches in favor of the Indiana Jones-style Saturday Matinee last-minute rescues.  The action also fluctuates wildly as some scenes feel like your generic DTV actioner while others feel like something out of a big budget production.  (The extended helicopter raid looks like outtakes from Apocalypse Now.)  The cheesy performance by Landau also kinda runs against the grain of Allen’s more serious take on the material.

Because of all this, the film never quite gels as a satisfying whole.  You’d think the seventy-nine-minute running time would suit the material, but it's such a hodgepodge that it feels a lot longer due to fact the movie is constantly shifting between subgenres (and tone).  Still, Sweet Revenge is sweet enough to make for an undemanding night of B Movie cheesiness. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: WEREWOLF ISLAND (2020) ***

Ben (Dennis Marin) and Lilly (Kara Joy Reed) sneak onto a supposedly haunted island for a secluded romantic getaway.  After doing the deed, they are attacked by a beastly woman and barely escape with their lives.  Ben’s Uncle Mike (Michael Alexander, who also wrote and directed) is a detective, and he steps in unravel the mystery of their attacker, the seemingly supernatural “Dog Lady”.  He consults a historian (Dan Zarembski), a local authority on the island, who is all too eager to tell him about its sordid past.

Werewolf Island is the sort of the movie Charles B. Pierce used to make as it mixes fact with fiction.  The film’s original title, The Legend of Dog Lady Island, even has that old timey Pierce feel to it.  (The poster art is even reminiscent of ‘70s regional drive-in fare.)  Like Pierce’s work, it is filled with flashback vignettes and recreations of crimes that happened decades ago.  The first flashback takes place during the French and Indian War, the second finds a gangster attacking a family in their home in the ‘20s, and the final one is about a gang of bikers assaulting a family in the ‘70s. 

For the kind of budget they were working with, the flashbacks are surprisingly strong.  The French and Indian War sequence (which features T.J. Storm as a Native chieftain) is ambitious and works a lot better than you might expect.  The acting is a tad on the amateurish side during the present-day scenes, but the actors in the period sequences manage to effectively portray their characters in a genuine fashion.  Because of that, it never feels like we’re watching a bunch of actors playing “dress up”, as is often the case in this sort of thing. 

I usually grade low budget, regional horror movies on a curve, and even then, they usually don’t get high marks.  What is genuinely surprising about Werewolf Island is that it manages to take its mythology very seriously, while still having moments of occasional levity.  While there are a few choice gory scenes, Alexander favors suspense over cheap shocks.  He also takes the time to create atmosphere and gives us characters we care actually about, rather than handing us a bunch of annoying characters that are little more than potential victims.  He even manages to inject a bit of tragedy into the proceedings, which I wasn’t expecting.   

I have a feeling there will be a great many who will write Werewolf Island off just on the grounds that the werewolf is not your traditional cinematic lycanthrope, but rather a woman who is possessed by a Native American spirit.  I for one appreciated the twist on the usual legend.  Seeing Native American folklore being used instead of the usual Hollywood version made for a nice change of pace.

I can honestly say Werewolf Island is one of the best surprises of 2020.  It’s the rare low budget horror flick that actually delivers the goods.  Even if it doesn’t have a legitimate werewolf, I can overlook that because the rest of the movie is so well done.  Alexander shows he is a talent to watch.  Not only did he create a few genuinely atmospheric sequences, he also wrote some pretty choice dialogue; my favorite line being:  “It was a gnarly, unreal entity!”

 AKA:  The Legend of Dog Lady Island.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: ROGUE (2020) *

Early in Rogue, the following exchange is made:

Mercenary #1:  This is stupid. 

Mercenary #2:  We do stupid very well. 

Oh, if only that were true.

Rogue is stupid.  I mean any movie that asks us to believe that Megan Fox is the leader of a hardass group of mercenaries is bound to be stupid.  As a fan of Fox, it could’ve been just as fun as it was stupid.  However, the filmmakers went for the wrong kind of stupid. 

Fox and her team of soldiers go to Africa to liberate some kidnapped girls from a band of degenerate sex traffickers.  While making their escape, they run afoul of a killer lion that’s gone rogue.  It then proceeds to pick off the team one by one until Fox and company make their final stand against the marauding maneater. 

Rogue is kind of like Predator meets Ghost and the Darkness on a Syfy Channel budget.  The CGI on the lion is especially weak as it often looks like a video game.  We also get a random crocodile attack that utilizes just as shoddy effects as the ones found on the lion.

The action is about on par with what you’d expect from a Grindstone Entertainment DTV flick.  It was directed by M.J. Bassett, who was also responsible for the instantly forgettable Solomon Kane and Silent Hill:  Revelation.  Bassett has exactly one trick up her sleeve:  Someone stands around an open doorway or an empty hallway for maybe a second too long before the lioness leaps from just off camera and pounces on them.  This bit gets run into the ground in no time at all and only slight variations on the scenario are offered up throughout. 

Fox is so miscast that when she first opens her mouth, it very nearly sunk the whole enterprise right then and there.  She’s so miscast that it isn’t even bad enough to eke out a few unintentional laughs.  It’s just bad.  The role really required someone like Zoe Bell or Gina Carano to pull it off convincingly.

Even then, the pacing is so lethargic that the film fails to generate any momentum or suspense.  The military action at the front end of the movie is completely generic too, and it takes too long for the flick to finally settle into man-eating lion mode.  Add to this, the long, boring stretches that occur in between the lion attacks and you have yourself a recipe for one dull, shitty picture.

I’d be lion if I said I enjoyed it.

AKA:  Mercenaries. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: FORCE OF NATURE (2020) **

Emile Hirsch stars as an American cop in Puerto Rico who is assigned to evacuate an apartment building during a Category 5 hurricane.  Among the residents is a stubborn, sickly ex-cop (Mel Gibson) whose nurse daughter (Kate Bosworth) pleads with him to take shelter.  Meanwhile, some tough thieves decide to pull an art heist inside the apartment building, and they have no problem mowing down a couple of cops in order to make their getaway.  With the lines of communications down, it’s up to Hirsch and company to survive using their wits until back-up arrives.

Force of Nature finds fallen star Mel Gibson getting into business with Emmett/Furla Oasis, the same company who back many of Bruce Willis’ recent DTV efforts.  Like those films, it’s apparent that Gibson was only around for a few days as it’s easy to spot when the production was shooting around his schedule.  (The main characters often split up, allowing Gibson to be offscreen for about half the screen time.)  Unlike some of Willis’ EFO output, this feels more like a “real” movie than just something that was cobbled together to meet a contract deadline.  Yes, the (mostly) one location gives the impression of a lower budget, but at least the situation feels more organic and less contrived than many similar Willis actioners.  (EDIT:  According to the IMDb Trivia, Gibson replaced Willis, which only confirmed my theory.)  That doesn’t make it good, however.

Gibson does an okay job in the role of the cranky ex-cop.  It’s far from a great performance, but he puts more personality into the role than Willis has in his EFO movies.  I know I keep comparing the two a lot and that might be a little unfair.  It’s just that Gibson’s role could’ve been played by Willis, Stallone, Lundgren, or any other Expendable in the twilight of their career.  I can see any of them doing the role, quite honestly.

Hirsch is usually an indie darling, and some will probably consider his starring in this DTV flick slumming, especially after his memorable turn in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  However, he seems to be having fun.  At times, you’ll swear he’s channeling his Hollywood co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio as it often looks like he’s copped some of Rick Dalton’s squinty-eyed mannerisms and delivery.  I’m not sure if he was trying to give a bad performance on purpose or if he was just tempering his talent to match the material, but it almost sort of works.  If they ever make a Bounty Law TV show and need someone to fill in for Leo, Hirsch would be a spot-on replacement.

AKA:  Lethal Storm.

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971) *

An artist named Arthur (Bo Brundin) tries to break into a woman’s bedroom, there is a struggle, and she stabs him in the eyeball for his troubles.  Afterwards, Arthur (who is now sporting an eye patch) finds he can no longer create art.  Frustrated, he lashes out at the various hookers, actresses, and art students he stumbles upon.  After stalking and killing them, the increasingly deranged Arthur takes their eyeballs as souvenirs. 

The Headless Eyes seems like it might’ve been inspired by Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Color Me Blood Red as both films feature artists who kill women in order to create works of art.  It also plays like a forerunner to Maniac as we are in the killer’s shoes for nearly the entire running time, most of which is filled with the psycho giving deranged speeches and having hysterical freak-outs.  While the idea is sound, the execution is often sloppy and amateurish. 

Wait.  I take that back.  That’s an insult to amateurs everywhere.

Even though the film clocks in at only seventy-seven minutes, it is a painfully slow moving, monotonous, and repetitive affair.  Since there is little variety to the kills, it all gets old very quickly.  The gore is somewhat lacking too, although the opening sequence is semi-amusing in a cheesy sort of way.  It’s all downhill after that though.  The droning soundtrack will likely put many to sleep and the killer’s constant screeching will surely annoy those who have managed to make it to the end.

The writer/director was Kent Bateman.  He’s probably more famous for two of his other productions:  Justine and Jason Bateman.  He later went on to direct episodes of his kids’ shows, Family Ties and Valerie.  Bateman also produced Teen Wolf Too, which also starred his son, and it is somehow even worse than this.

AKA:  Bloodthirsty Butcher.  AKA:  Bloodthirsty Butchers.

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985) *

Castaways from a sunken ocean liner drift to a remote desert island.  After foraging for food and supplies, they slowly have the suspicion they are not alone.  As it turns out, the island is populated by a race of tiny red monsters who have an insatiable hunger for human flesh. 

Attack of the Beast Creatures is one of the dullest, slowest, and most repetitive movies I have seen in quite some time.  The endless scenes of our heroes traipsing through the jungle sent me to dreamland as fast as any Ambien pill ever could.  Just when I was able to rouse myself from slumber, along came another interminable walking-through-the-jungle scene and it was back to Snoozeville for this viewer.  Ever the diligent critic, I DID rewind and re-watch the scenes that I slept through, but they were mostly a lot of boring dialogue scenes that were just as dull (if not, duller) than the walking scenes. 

There is ONE great moment.  It happens when a castaway stumbles upon a pond and dips his face in to take a drink.  He learns the hard way that it isn’t water in the pond, but acid.  Other than that, this is one shitty flick. 

The monsters are nothing more than replicas of the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror dyed red.  There isn’t much effort on the filmmakers’ part to make them look anything more than puppets, aside from the one part where their eyes glow ominously in the dark.  In some scenes, you can clearly see the puppeteers’ arms, but most of the time, they are thrown at the cast by a crew member from just off camera.  The actors also do a piss-poor job at pretending to be ravaged by the monsters.  They are so crappy at it that it even fails to be unintentionally funny.  It also happens so often that you eventually start rooting for the little buggers to pick their bones clean, just so the movie can be over.

PREVUES OF COMING ATTRACTIONS VOL. 1: GIALLORAMA (2008) *** ½

Fans of ‘70s giallos rejoice!  This is the trailer compilation you’ve been waiting for.  It also makes for a good primer for people who are looking to get into the genre.  Some of the biggest directors who made their mark in the genre are represented (Dario Argento, Mario Bava, Sergio Martino, Lucio Fulci, and Umberto Lenzi are among those who are featured more than once) and familiar faces like George Hilton, Edwige Fenech, and Claudine Auger pop up time and again. It’s also in chronological order, which is nice because you get to see how the genre grew wilder and more exploitative over time. 

The trailers included in this collection are:  Evil Eye, Blood and Black Lace, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin, Death Walks on High Heels, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Short Night of Glass Dolls, Slaughter Hotel, Carnage (AKA:  Twitch of the Death Nerve), The Black Belly of the Tarantula, The Cat O’ Nine Tails, The Fifth Cord, The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, All the Colors of the Dark (under the alternate title, They’re Coming to Get You), The Case of the Bloody Iris, Torso, What Have You Done to Solange?, Who Saw Her Die?, Death Smiles at Murder, Spasmo, Eyeball, Autopsy, Deep Red, Strip Nude for Your Killer, The Dark is Death’s Friend, The Bloodstained Shadow, The Pyjama Girl Case, Tenebrae, The New York, Ripper, Murder Rock, Stage Fright, Trauma, and Sleepless.

Throughout the running time, you can see flashes of what makes giallos so much fun:  Killers in black gloves, POV camerawork, beautiful women, and odd, memorable, and longwinded titles (usually featuring an animal).  Many trailers use trippy colors during the title sequences that add to the overall luridness of the films.  A few are even shown in their original Italian language, which helps to give them a different flavor than a lot of the trailers on these kinds of compilations.

I do kind of wish they had dug a little further back in the archives and found some more obscure titles.  As it is, it just kind of plays like a greatest hits collection of what the genre has to offer.  That’s not really a criticism though, just an observation.