HELGA, SHE WOLF OF STILBERG (1978) **

Helga (Malisa Longo) wants to be taken seriously by her male bosses, who rule a small country with an iron fist.  They give her a job presiding over a women’s prison, and she quickly takes to it like a duck to water.  There, she dishes out torture, punishment, and (sometimes) pleasure to the captive cuties.  Things get complicated though when Helga takes a shine to one of her model prisoners. 

Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg is an odd Women in Prison movie.  It wants to ride the coattails of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS (Longo even looks like Dyanne Thorne a little), but it lacks that film’s conviction to depravity and disgustingness.  Heck, it doesn’t even have the heart to be a real Nazi flick as the bad guys all wear knockoff swastika symbols on their armbands.  The various scenes of whipping, torture, and rape all seem tame and halfhearted for the most part too.  Many sequences start off promising, but end abruptly, while others just sort of fizzle out.  There are quite a few scenes of people going for a roll in the hay (both literal and figurative), although it’s nothing that will fog up your glasses or anything.

I might have felt a little differently if the version I saw had subtitles.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss much as there is very little here in the way of actual plot.  Because of that, I had to rely on the exploitation elements to carry me through.  While the nude scenes and torture sequences are plentiful, they just never really go for broke. 

Longo is quite lovely.  She has a good masturbation scene that like most everything else in the movie starts off steamy but has no payoff whatsoever.  That’s kind of how the whole movie is though. 

Also, in addition to not being subtitled, the version I saw didn’t even have opening credits.  Just a long shot of a sword while library music played.  Weird. 

AKA:  Girl Slaves.  AKA:  Helga, the Leather Mistress.  AKA:  The She Wolf of Stilberg.  AKA:  Bloody Camp.

DOWN BY LAW (1986) **

A DJ (Tom Waits) and a pimp (John Lurie) are both framed for various crimes and sent to jail.  They wind up as cellmates in a New Orleans prison and are at first annoyed by each other’s very existence, but eventually, they grow to tolerate one another.  The duo is at first irritated when they receive another addition to their cell in the form of an oddball Italian murderer (Roberto Benigni).  However, he just may know a way out of their seemingly hopeless predicament. 

Down by Law is the third film by Jim Jarmusch, and it feels like a companion piece to his previous movie, Stranger Than Paradise.  Both pictures are filmed in black and white and feature Lurie in the middle of a trio of misfits.  As a big fan of Stranger Than Paradise, it pains me to say that this one just left me cold. 

The film does have a fairly tight structure.  The first act shows us how our characters wound up in prison, the second act features them getting to know each other behind bars, and the third act centers around their escape attempt.  The middle sequence is the best as both Waits and Lurie play off one another well enough in such a claustrophobic setting.  

Once Benigni enters the fray, the movie goes down the drain quickly.  I’ve never been a fan of his schtick, and he grates on the nerves every time he opens his mouth.  Strangely, the film slowly runs out of steam after their prison escape, and it sort of lumbers along to an unsatisfying conclusion. 

I guess this was Jarmusch’s riff on an old prison movie from the ‘40s.  However, it’s sorely lacking the spark and charm of Stranger Than Paradise.  While that film had a lot less going on, it still felt more alive and vibrant than this (mostly) joyless slog. 

THE SWORDSMAN (1993) * ½

The name of the movie?  The Swordsman.  The man with the sword?  Lorenzo Lamas.  He’s not only armed with a sword though.  No, he’s also equipped with “postmortem telepathy”.  That means he can stick his finger in a dead guy’s bullet wound and find out who killed him.  The cherry on the top:  He’s got a mullet that just won’t quit.  

Oh, and he’s also the reincarnation of Alexander the Great. 

His latest case is to protect a sexy archeologist (Claire Stansfield) who’s on the hunt for a legendary sword.  That sword just so happened to be owned by… you guessed it… Alexander the Great.  Now it’s up to Lorenzo the Not-Exactly-Great to get his hands on it before the bad guy does.

The Swordsman tries to jam a lot of shit into its ninety-two-minute running time.  There’s reincarnation, Highlander-style swordfights, Dead Zone-inspired psychic flashbacks, long history lessons, and dream scenes.  It’s either really ambitious or really confused.  It’s funny, because even when it manages to introduce an intriguing concept, it just sort of shambles onto the next half-baked subplot or idea.  

I mean, there’s a subplot that involves an underground fencing circuit.  Now, we’ve seen so many DTV action flicks that feature underground kickboxing circuits.  You’d think the idea of underground fencing would be fresh enough to breathe some life into the film.  Sadly, that’s not the case.

Adding to the movie’s woes is the decided lack of action.  I know he’s the “Swordsman” and all, but would it kill Lamas to use a gun for a couple of old-fashioned shootouts?  I guess it wouldn’t be so noticeable if the swordfights themselves weren’t so lackluster.  They really go overboard with the hazy lighting in these scenes, which makes much of the swordplay look like it’s taking place in a Meatloaf music video. 

Lamas dials down his usual likeable persona, which is unfortunate.  I know he’s “acting” and all, but I much prefer him in something like SnakeEater where he can at least cut loose and have some fun.  He also doesn’t have much chemistry with Stansfield, and the villain (played by Total Recall’s Michael Champion) is weak too.  Land of the Dead’s Eugene Clark also shows up as Lamas’ captain. 

Lamas returned for the sequel, Gladiator Cop.

THE ALIEN DEAD (1980) * ½

Fred Olen Ray’s second effort as a director (his first full-length feature) is a sluggish southern-fried zombie flick.  As much as I enjoy his cut-rate actioners, Skinamax movies, and cult classics like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, I have to admit that his early, low budget, regional horror films are a chore to sit through.  While The Alien Dead isn’t quite as bad as Ray’s next one, Scalps, it’s pretty rough going at times. 

People wind up dead in a swamp.  The local law enforcement chalk it up to gators (or possibly a giant possum).  Turns out, there’s a bunch of zombies running around putting the bite on everyone.  You see, a meteor fell out of the sky, landed on some pot-smoking teens who were partying it up in a houseboat, and turned them into zombies.  You know.  That old story.

The Alien Dead apparently started life as a loose remake of Attack of the Giant Leeches (which explains characters with in-joke names like “Corman”, “Gordon”, and “Kowalski”).  Ray soon realized giant leeches were too expensive, so he opted to make the monsters traditional zombies instead.  As bad as much of this is, I have to give Ray credit.  Ever the trailblazer, he was making low budget Romero knockoffs long before they were chic.  (The gore scenes are okay too.)  Also, Ray was doing the in-joke character name thing before it was a cliché, so there’s that.  He even throws in a long, completely gratuitous nude scene of a coed skinny-dipping.  These types of sequences would go on to become a staple of his later work.

Overall, The Alien Dead feels less like a Living Dead rip-off, and more like Ray’s riff on a William Grefe flick, what with the swamp setting, the constant country music, poor sound, and amateurish performances.  Speaking of performances, the only “star” in the cast is the former Flash Gordon, Buster Crabbe as the sheriff.  He looks too old to be a sheriff (he was seventy-two at the time) and flubs his lines, but he’s no worse than the terrible no-names in the cast. 

While there’s an occasional bright spot, the long dialogue scenes that go nowhere ultimately sink it.  The opening scene featuring a bickering married couple on a boat in particular will have you scrambling for the remote.  If you do manage to stick with it, you’ll get to see a decent scene where a guy gets eaten in half.  Ultimately, The Alien Dead deserves to be stuck in the swamp.

AKA:  It Fell from the Sky.  AKA:  Swamp of the Blood Leeches.

TWISTER (1996) ** ½

Like Independence Day, and maybe The Blair Witch Project, Twister had the advantage of being a great opening night experience.  It plays best with a packed house with your head swimming with the hype surrounding it.  Seeing it on the biggest screen possible with the loudest sound system available, as a moviegoing experience, it’s hard to beat.  As with the previously mentioned movies, when viewed at home on an average sized TV all by your lonesome, it’s rather underwhelming. 

Bill Paxton is an ex-storm chaser who tracks down his wife (Helen Hunt) so she can finally sign the divorce papers.  She’s in the midst of tracking a potentially historic tornado event, which means a swarm of twisters could be headed their way.  Naturally, he gets sucked back into his old storm-chasing ways and they two eventually rekindle their romance while ducking high wind, hail, and killer tornados. 

The story is paper thin, which makes sense since that’s the first thing that gets sucked up in the funnel cloud.  On the big screen, the plot didn’t matter as it was the cinematic equivalent of a theme park ride.  I hadn’t seen it in a long time, so I was surprised that the effects still hold up for the most part.  The sound design is still great too.  If you want to check out your new sound system this would be a great test reel.  As a movie though, it leaves something to be desired. 

The flaws are magnified on the small screen.  If the plot is paper thin, the characters are translucent.  Although I like many of the actors involved, I can’t say I gave one lick about the characters.  It doesn’t help that the so called “Storm Chasers” are all annoying.  Even Phillip Seymour Hoffman is grating.  It doesn’t help that they all feel like a cross between roadies for a rock band and science geeks.

Also, there is zero chemistry between Paxton and Hunt.  I guess this was the beginning of Paxton trying to be a leading man (at least in a big budget movie).  Unfortunately, he left his charisma at home.  It’s just further proof that he was at his best when playing wild-eyed supporting characters.  Hunt is especially vanilla, although it’s not really her fault that all she really gets to do is squint in the distance and look at incoming funnel clouds.

I guess the filmmakers were afraid that making a tornado a villain wasn’t enough, so there’s also a gratuitous human villain.  Cary Elwes plays a rival storm chaser with corporate sponsorship who piggybacks on the heroes’ tornado hunt hoping to hog the glory.  That wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t just playing a slight variation on the evil redneck character he played in Days of Thunder. 

If you get a chance to catch it in a theater, by all means do so.  Seeing it at home is about only half as much fun.  Still, if you want to see a cow fly....

Theatrical Experience:  *** ½.  Home Viewing Experience:  **.  AVG:  ** ½.

BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY (1979) ***

 

Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century was one of the rare TV pilots that was released to theaters ahead of the series’ television premiere.  Since it was cashing in on Star Wars, it was a sizeable hit.  Too bad the show only lasted two seasons because it was a lot of fun.

I have particularly fond memories of the show growing up.  While Princess Leia was always my first crush, Princess Ardala (Pamela Hensley) from Buck Rogers was the first time I remember being introduced to the concept of a “bad girl” who could be just as sexy, if not more so, than the heroine.  It’s funny, because I also had a big crush on Erin Gray, who played Wilma Deering, Buck’s trusted compatriot.  Wilma is pure, independent, beautiful, and every bit a match for Buck.  Ardala is sexy, wicked, and minces around in outfits so skimpy they would make Barbarella blush.  Although both characters are alluring in their own way, you definitely get the feeling the Madonna/Whore Complex was still going strong in the 25^th Century. 

The opening credits sequence for the movie are kind of jaw-dropping, especially if you’re only used to seeing the show’s opening credits.  This sequence is clearly modeled on the Bond openings as they feature Gray, Hensley, and a bevy of other beauties in space bikinis lounging around on top of the florescent Buck Rogers logo.  There’s only one way to describe it, and I think the term the kids use today is “Thirsty”. 

In the twentieth century, astronaut Buck Rogers (Gil Gerard) takes off in a rocket ship on a space mission.  There is an accident, and he winds up frozen in time, perfectly preserved for five hundred years.  The evil Draconian Princess Ardala, who is on her way to attack Earth, finds Rogers’ ship, awakens him, and hopes to use him as a pawn in her schemes.  When Buck is accused of treason, he has to clear his name and sets out to singlehandedly take down the Draconian forces. 

Even as a fan of the show, I readily admit all of this is a little clunky.  Even though it’s essentially two episodes strung together, there really isn’t enough plot to fill a half-hour sitcom.  Ardala’s plan is sketchy at best, and Buck’s Rip Van Winkle syndrome isn’t fully mined for its fullest potential.  (Although the series would get some mileage out of it down the road.) 

It was clearly inspired by Star Wars, and as far as the Star Wars rip-offs that populated theaters in the ‘70s and ‘80s go, it’s one of the best.  It gives you everything you want to see in a Star Wars rip-off and manages to be quite entertaining while doing so.  As far as cute robots go, I always thought Twiki (Felix Silla, with the voice of Mel Blanc) got a bad rap.  I couldn’t get enough of him when I was a kid, and I like him well enough now.  (I still have my action figure.)  While he doesn’t really talk as much as he’d later would in the series, he gets plenty of funny lines like, “I’m freezing my ball bearings off!”.  The interstellar dogfights are well done, and the effects still hold up for the most part now.

Gerard is perfect as Buck.  He’s sort of square, sure, but he’s immensely likeable and doesn’t take it all too seriously.  Henry Silva is well-cast and shows admirable restraint as Kane, Ardala’s right hand man.  Gray is good too, although it takes some time to get used to her blonde hair as she’d later go brunette for the rest of the series. 

The movie really belongs to Hensley.  My God.  She is definitely in the top three babes of all time.  People give the scene at the big ball where Buck introduces the twenty-fifth century to rock n’ roll (although it sounds more like disco) a lot of shit, but who cares what the music sounds like when Hensley is drop dead gorgeous throughout?  People talk about Princess Leia in her metal bikini, but I’ll take the white bikini Ardala any day.  (Even if she is saddled with a headdress that looks like it came from the closet of the Grand Poobah from The Flintstones.)

THE DEVILS (1971) ***

I’ve heard so much about Ken Russell’s notorious film The Devils over the years that I guess I was bound to be somewhat disappointed by the time I actually saw it.  That’s not to say it’s a bad movie.  Far from it.  It looks great, has some terrific acting, and memorable set pieces.  It’s just far from the shocking spectacle I always pictured it to be. 

Maybe that’s because the version on Shudder is the American cut.  Apparently, the UK version is racier, but I guess us Yanks are too prudish to enjoy it.  (Which is weird given all that “Video Nasty” shit the Brits go on and on about.)  Even in its censored version, it’s still a solid flick.

Oliver Reed (who was also in Russell’s Tommy) stars as a priest with lust in his heart who knocks up a young virgin.  Vanessa Redgrave is the hunchback nun who has the hots for him, but naturally, he doesn’t give her the time of day.  Scorned, she plots her revenge by accusing him of witchcraft.  Soon, the townsfolk the priest has enraged along the way also team up to have him tortured and executed as a heretic. 

I’m sure The Devils was shocking as all get-out when it first came out.  I think the best thing I can say about it is that it went on to inspire the “Nunsploitation” craze of the ‘70s as well as the skeevy likes of such exploitation favorites as Mark of the Devil.  Any exploitation movie scholar should see it as this was the first of its kind (although The Conqueror Worm had similar witch hunting sequences, just without the religious overtones).  However, the films it would later inspire are a lot more depraved and nastier if you ask me.

Reed is great as the boastful priest.  His character is interesting because in a way, he kind of welcomes what’s coming to him if only so he can show his faith in God.  He’s a fornicator and a cheat, but he’s not exactly evil as he bravely defends his village and his congregation from outsiders seeking to tear down the city walls.  Redgrave is a hoot as the gnarled nun with a horny streak.  Too bad I didn’t get to see the uncut version where she apparently gets it on with a human bone.

Because it is a Ken Russell film, it looks beautiful, has some impressive (sometimes exhausting) camerawork, and is gleefully over the top.  However, it’s not particularly scary or shocking.  I guess that all depends on your upbringing.  If you were a choirboy, I’m sure it will all seem quite blasphemous.  To someone like me who is well-versed in exploitation movies and gross-out horror, it was just another day at the office.