GODZILLA VS. KONG (2021) *** ½

It’s finally here.  The clash of the titans.  We’ve waited since 1962 for a rematch between the world’s two biggest movie monsters.  Lucky for us fans of Godzilla and King Kong, it doesn’t disappoint.  It’s not perfect.  In fact, it’s probably the third best of the four “Monsterverse” movies, but still one of the best films ever made that features either monster.

The 1998 Godzilla did not work because there was no subtext.  It was basically, “What if Jurassic Park was… BIGGER?”  In fact, the tagline, “Size Matters” was downright cringeworthy.  As if bigger always meant better.  The original 1954 Godzilla was a metaphor for the nuclear devastation of Japan in WWII.  There were no such metaphors in the 1998 movie.  The 2014 Godzilla however had the tragedy of 9/11 running through its veins and because of that, it hit a lot harder.  Even Kong:  Skull Island had a lot of Vietnam imagery in there to ground it in some sort of historical/cultural relevance. 

Even though it was made pre-COVID, much of Godzilla vs. Kong feels like a metaphor for the times we are living in now.  When we first see Kong, he is in isolation on a fake version of Skull Island, quarantined from the rest of the world.  It seems like a sweet deal at first because he can sleep in, let his beard grow out, shower when he wants, and just sort of hang out.  It’s only when Kong ventures out into the world does he realize, it ain’t safe out there. 

Despite the fact that Godzilla has top billing, Godzilla vs. Kong is more of a Kong movie.  The main focus is on the humans getting Kong to safety while Godzilla occasionally pops up to temporarily spoil their plans.  Eventually, the two square off in Hong Kong where the human villains… well… I won’t spoil it, but I’m sure you can probably guess what goes down. 

The film is as much of a throwback to the adventure novels of Jules Verne as it is a love letter to giant monster mashes.  The whole “Hollow Earth” subplot feels like a modern-day version of those old ‘70s flicks like At the Earth’s Core.  That old timey touch is sometimes at odds with some of the updated characters (an annoying conspiracy theorist podcaster is a major player), but it’s nothing that derails the movie.

Maybe the reason why the Godzilla plotline feels skimpy is because the Kong storyline is a lot more engaging.  The scenes with the little deaf girl (Kaylee Hottle), who can communicate with Kong work really well.  The stuff with Millie Bobby Brown and Brian Tyree Henry is a lot less fun.  Brown is kind of wasted here, which is a shame since she was one of the best parts of Godzilla:  King of the Monsters.  The human drama is always secondary in these things, and the film sometimes struggles with juggling the characters from the two franchises, but it’s hardly an issue when the monster mashing is top notch. 

The first battle occurs in the middle of the ocean.  It’s nothing too spectacular, but the scene where Kong socks Godzilla on the jaw will definitely have you cheering.  The rematch in Hong Kong is a thing of beauty though.  It’s one of the best monster mashes in recent memory.  There’s even a moment during the final brawl that manages to be a homage to Lethal Weapon 2, if you can believe it.  I never thought I’d see that in a kaiju movie, but that’s just another reason why this one is so much fun.

BLOODFIST 6: GROUND ZERO (1995) ** ½

In case you’re curious, I watched Bloodfists 3-5 back in the day when I had my old LiveJournal account.  If you’re wondering what I thought about them, here’s a link to the reviews so everybody can get caught up to speed before we get into Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero:

Bloodfist 3:  Forced to Fight:  BLOODFIST 3: FORCED TO FIGHT (1992) *** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 4:  Die Trying:  BLOODFIST 4: DIE TRYING (1992) ** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 5:  Moving Target:  LEGENDS OF THE SILVER SCREEN: DON “THE DRAGON” WILSON - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Okay, so let’s dive into this one:

Don “The Dragon” Wilson (WKA Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion) returns yet again for a totally unrelated Bloodfist sequel.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  Part 3 was a prison movie.  4 and 5 were kind of standard action flicks.  This one is squarely in the Die Hard in a…. realm. 

It starts off with none other than former Los Angeles Dodger Steve Garvey getting lucky with Angelfist’s Cat Sassoon (who was also in Bloodfist 4 playing a different character).  Even though Cat appears topless, we never actually see Garvey reach second base, but knowing his prowess at playing the field, it’s safe to say he scored, if you know what I mean.  Later, terrorists use bunny rabbits (!?!) as a diversion to sneak into a secret military base where they kill just about everyone and take Garvey hostage.  Just then, Don “The Dragon” Wilson shows up as a courier, who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Naturally, he winds up being the only man who can stop the terrorists from launching an all-out nuclear assault. 

Your enjoyment of Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero may depend on how forgiving you are of the Die Hard in a… subgenre.  I mean it’s no Passenger 57 or anything, but it gets the job done.  Although it’s a little low on action, and the third act is kind of dull, the familiar and dependable structure of the genre is durable enough to sustain it over the lulls. 

In addition to including many of the major cliches found in the Die Hard in a… genre, director Rick Jacobson (who directed a slew of Wilson’s movies including Ring of Fire, Night Hunter, and Bloodfist 8:  Hard Way Out) peppers the film with a few weird touches that helps propel it along.  The participation of Steve Garvey alone lets you know this is going to be a little different than the usual fare.  No one in their right mind would call this a classic or anything, but since this is your only chance to see Steve Garvey share a love scene with Cat Sassoon (in her last role), I’d say it’s worth watching at least once. 

The shit involving the rabbits is odd too.  I especially liked the scene where Wilson nurses a wounded bunny back to health.  You don’t get shit like this in A Good Day to Die Hard, that’s for sure.

There’s also a night vision scene that seems to be a gender-swapped riff on the climax of Silence of the Lambs.  While that may seem a bit derivative, the villain’s use of an elaborate mask predates the similar disguises used in the first Mission:  Impossible movie by at least a year.  While Jacobson may have stolen moments from John McTiernan and Jonathan Demme, he beat Brian De Palma to the punch on that one, so there’s something to be said for that. 

AKA:  Ground Zero:  Bloodfist 6.  AKA:  Zero Control.  AKA:  Devil’s Ultimate Weapon.  AKA:  Terrorist Weapon.  AKA:  Assault on Ground Zero.

BLOODFIST 2 (1990) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson (World Kickboxing Association Light Heavyweight World Champion) returns as kickboxing champion Jake Raye in the only Bloodfist sequel that’s marginally related to the first movie.  This time out, instead of going to Manila to avenge his brother’s death, he goes to Manila to help out his former trainer, who is in deep to some unsavory underworld types. 

While Wilson plays the same character that he did in the first movie, the screenwriters seem to have forgotten a lot of his backstory.  In the original, he gave up professional kickboxing because he donated a kidney to his brother (Ned Hourani).  The opening scene of this one finds him in the ring defending his belt.  (I guess it’s kind of like the Rocky 3 thing where they completely ignored the fact that Rocky nearly went blind in the previous installment.)  This time out, he gives up kickboxing when he accidentally kills his opponent (who wears a hilarious pair of trunks that say “Kick Boxing” across the crotch) during the bout.  The weird thing about this scene:  Ned Hourani plays the guy he kills in the ring!  I don’t know if they were trying to make this sort of like a psychological thing where Wilson projects the image of his dead brother onto the guy he accidentally murdered or if the filmmakers just plain forgot Hourani played his brother in the last flick, but it’s pretty funny. 

After quitting the sport for good, Jake spends most of his time banging hookers, which seems like a pretty sweet deal until his trainer calls and beckons him to Manila.  Once there, bad guys that look like rejects from a Death Wish movie crawl out of the woodwork to kill him.  Seriously, the first act of the movie is nearly non-stop action. 

Once the greasy, sweaty, obnoxious German henchman (Robert Marius) shows up, the movie sort of takes its foot off the accelerator.  It’s here where Jake gets shanghaied by some goons and taken to an island to participate in a to-the-death fighting tournament ran by a villain (played by Joe Mari Avellana, the villain from the first movie) who enhances his fighters using experimental steroids.  It’s not as crazy as it sounds, but at least the steroids angle allows Wilson the opportunity to deliver the film’s best line when he tells his opponent, “When you fight on drugs, you don’t win anything!”

Overall, Bloodfist 2 is slightly better than the first one.  It’s fun for the first half-hour or so.  Once the action switches over to the island, it kind of loses some steam.  The fight scenes are better than the original, but they’re still nothing to write home about.  There are plenty of them, so there’s that.  However, they do get a tad repetitive (with the notable exception of the fight where the one guy sits on the mat mediating the whole time, which flummoxes his roid rage opponent). 

I know in my Bloodfist review I made a big deal about calling Don “The Dragon” Wilson by his kickboxing title that appeared alongside his name in the opening credits.  What I liked about Bloodfist 2 is that the villain shows Don the same respect.  When the baddie meets his character in this one, he says, “Jake Raye… World Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion!”  Folks, this movie may not be great, but this moment made me pump my (blood)fist in the air and say, “YES!” 

BLOODFIST (1989) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars in the first of nine Bloodfist movies.  Most of the sequels were unrelated, retitled Wilson actioners that were just trading in on the Bloodfist name.  At least the first two films have some semblance of continuity.  (Wilson didn’t appear in the final entry, Bloodfist 2050.)  Then again, who needs continuity when you have Don “The Dragon” Wilson kicking people in the face for eighty-six minutes? 

Bloodfist is also important as I believe it’s the first movie that lists the actors’ kickboxing credentials alongside their name in the credits.  Some people see this as the film trying to excuse the bad acting because they are really kickboxers and not actors by trade.  I, on the other hand, feel they’ve earned that title and have every right to display it wherever they go.  I mean, doctors have Ph.D. at the end of their name.  Lawyers have Esq.  If I was Don, I would go around correcting everybody; telling them:  “That’s Don Wilson, World Kickboxing Association Light Heavyweight World Champion to you, buddy.  I didn’t spend eight years kicking people in the face to be called MISTER Don Wilson!”

Don stars as a martial artist who receives word his brother has been killed in Manila.  He flies out there and begins his own investigation after the police close the case.  He eventually uncovers an underground kickboxing circuit and enters himself into the competition in hopes of finding his brother’s murderer.

Since this is an ‘80s kickboxing movie that was shot in the Philippines, you know it’s only a matter of time before the legendary Vic Diaz shows up.  He doesn’t disappoint either, playing yet another variation on the archetypal Yelling Captain character who warns Wilson not to poke his nose where it doesn’t belong.  Sadly, he doesn’t show up again.  Future Tae Bo magnate Billy Blanks is in it slightly longer as one of the competitors in the fighting tournament, although he’s mostly wasted.

Directed by Terence H. (The Nest) Winkless, Bloodfist has a rock-solid premise and occasional flashes of fun.  The big problem is that while the framework around the fight sequences is sturdy enough, the fights themselves leave something to be desired.  There are plenty of them though; it’s just nothing that will get your (blood)fist pumping. 

Don also gets saddled with an annoying sidekick, an aptly named, aggressively annoying man-child called “Baby” (Michael Shaner).  Baby’s sister (Riley Bowman) is the obligatory stripper/love interest.  Her character at least has some quirky moments (like when she teaches Don to incorporate ballet into his workout regimen).  It’s just that the rest of the movie is overstuffed with supporting characters.  It’s kind of hard to keep the momentum going when the hero has to deal with an idiot sidekick, a stripper girlfriend, AND an old, wise karate teacher on top of the revenge plot.  (Not to mention the gratuitous plot twist at the end that tacks another unnecessary ten minutes onto the running time.)  I can’t help but wonder how much smoother it would’ve all played out if they had ditched the Baby character entirely. 

Like all fighting movies, you’ve got to have a training montage in there, and Bloodfist has a pretty good one.  Remember when Rocky ran up that mountain in Rocky IV?  Well, Don runs up an active volcano in this one.  Not bad for this sort of thing.

That kind of sums up the movie.  It’s a bit weirder than many of Wilson’s forgettable actioners, which is appreciated.  However, the action itself is lackluster, and the Baby character is annoying, which kind of knocks it down a few notches, putting it somewhere in the middle rungs of his filmography.

AKA:  Bloodfist Fighter.

ZETA ONE (1969) *

British sex comedies are usually insufferable, especially when they lean heavy into the “comedy” aspects of the genre.  This one is so confusing and stupid that you won’t even have time to laugh at the jokes.  You’ll be too busy trying to figure out what they hell is going on.

A secret agent comes home to find his secretary raring for a midnight rendezvous.  After a few drinks, a game of strip poker, and some (offscreen) lovemaking, he tells her all about his latest mission.  It seems a race of alien women were going around London and abducting strippers.  He probably would’ve gotten to the bottom of things if he wasn’t so damned busy getting it on with a bunch of hot blondes. 

Zeta One looks like it began life as a sci-fi sex comedy.  Somewhere along the line, the producers must’ve demanded they change gears and turn it into a James Bond spoof.  The Bond-ish opening goes on forever and it takes a good twenty minutes before he even mentions the aliens.  These scenes look like they were thrown together in a day or two and the strip poker sequence seemingly plays out in real time.  This portion of the film must’ve been filmed way after the sci-fi stuff because the secret agent is missing his mustache in these scenes.  In fact, when he’s introduced, he removes a false one, as if he was in disguise or something, but all that does is call attention to the conspicuous continuity error later on.  I mean, all he had to so is say he shaved.  There was no need to go into all that fake mustache shit at the very beginning. 

The stuff with the sexy aliens feels incomplete as I’m sure there was a lot of footage that got scrapped to make way for the James Bond subplot.  There’s even a scene where the aliens sit around and watch a monitor playing what looks like footage the editor couldn’t cram elsewhere into the picture.  The aliens themselves aren’t anything special either.  The women all wear Egyptian-inspired make-up, funny wigs, and kooky outfits.  The only memorable part is the training sequence where a bunch of alien women wearing bikini bottoms and pasties perform in a brief Kung Fu tournament, but it’s over before you can really enjoy it.

Zeta One has an acceptable amount of T & A, but even the nudity (which is really quite tame) can’t save the movie.  Since the whole mess has been cobbled together so incoherently, that means just as it feels like it’s about to end, it doesn’t.  Instead, it cuts to another set of characters and it keeps right on going.  This happens about three or four times, and each false ending seems longer than the one that preceded it. 

There might’ve been a kernel of a decent sex spoof here if the seams weren’t so glaringly evident.  However, the crummy craftsmanship and shoddy storytelling ultimately sink it.  Because of that, Zeta One is a big fat zero.

AKA:  The Love Factor.  AKA:  Alien Women.

THE PANTHER WOMEN (1967) ** ½

With his dying breath, the leader of a panther cult curses the bloodline of the man who killed him.  Centuries later, in present-day Mexico, the all-woman panther-worshipping cult returns to kill off the last of his descendants.  It’s then up to the sexy wrestling women Loreta Venus (Ariadne Welter) and her tag-team partner Golden Rubi (Elizabeth Campbell) to put a stop to the evil panther women once and for all. 

The Panther Women is the fourth in a series of five Wrestling Women movies that began with Doctor of Doom and concluded with Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot.  It was directed by the ever-reliable Rene Cardona, who brings a lot of atmosphere to the scenes of the panther cult rituals.  He also gives the three wrestling matches (two of which are ladies’ tag-team bouts) and one dance routine a sense of fun.  The fight scenes that occur outside the ring are well done too.  (The rapid-fire editing during the warehouse brawl is quite effective.) 

I only wish the script had enough confidence in the wrestling women to make them the main heroines.  Instead, they needlessly shoehorn in a El Santo wannabe by the name of El Angel into the plot.  Like everyone’s favorite silver-masked man, he has his own Batcave-inspired secret laboratory.  I’m not saying El Angel isn’t cool.  I especially liked his James Bond-style gadgets (he has a bulletproof and flameproof cape).  It’s just that the wrestling women should’ve been given more of the spotlight. 

The voluptuous Campbell (who was in all but the final installment of the series) in particular seems wasted as she spends much of her screen time standing around listening to exposition or (even worse) having to put up with an annoying comic relief detective.  I mean during the big climax, just as she is about to do something heroic, she FAINTS, and El Angel has to step in and save the day.  Weak.

It would’ve also been nice to see the panther women in their full werewolf-inspired make-up a little more often.  On the plus side, the resurrected cult leader is appropriately grotesque looking.  The terrible dubbing is good for a laugh too, and the dialogue is often hilarious.  (“That cursed sword of the Druids stands in our way again!”)

Overall, The Panther Women isn’t a bad mix of Luche Libre and horror, but the next installment, Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot, was a lot more fun.

PARTY GAMES FOR ADULTS ONLY (1984) **

This hour-long tape hosted by comedian John Byner is supposed to give you ideas for games you can play at your next cocktail party.  Really, it's more of a platform for Byner to perform a bunch of unfunny comedy bits, do bad impressions, and tell dirty limericks.  Occasionally, there’s a little T & A, and while it’s enough to earn the “Adults Only” moniker, it’s nothing that will get you hot and bothered.  For me, it was mostly of interest thanks to the participation of Up All Night’s Rhonda Shear (who plays one of the party guests) and Return of the Living Dead’s Linnea Quigley (as one of the models).  However, even their presence can’t save this VHS relic.

There isn’t a whole lot of time devoted to the actual games, which is a little odd.  In fact, more time is spent on the comedic introductions to the games than the games themselves.  Most of these set-ups play like a slightly more risqué segment of The Benny Hill Show… or perhaps filmed versions of the comic strips you’d see in Playboy.  None of them are especially funny and have predictable and/or lame punchlines, which unveil the name of the game being played. 

The games don’t look all that fun either, which is probably why so little time is spent on them.  One involves contestants blowing a ping pong ball across the room.  The other is a race where participants hold balloons in between their legs.  Not exactly “Adults Only” stuff if you ask me.  There are some semi-dirty word games too and a round of naughty charades, although the humor is more of a PG-13 variety.  There is one obligatory nude body painting game and a part where a stripper gives tassel twirling lessons, but who can afford to rent nude models and dancers for their parties?  If you're planning some "Adults Only" fun for your next shindig, you’re better off sticking with strip poker than playing any of the games mentioned here.