THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #32: BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1984) ** ½

Citizens in a small farming community become blue-faced bloodsucking zombies.  A hot chick from the city cruises into town, picks up a reporter off the side of the road, and they instantly hop into bed with one another.  Once they venture back into town, they realize the situation and have to fend off attacks from the zombie bloodsuckers. 

Bloodsuckers from Outer Space reminds me of the kind of movie you would see on Commander USA’s Groovie Movies back in the day.  It’s the sort of horror comedy that with a few strategic edits would play just fine on TV on a Saturday afternoon.  It often feels like a slightly more polished version of a Troma flick.  That right there should be an effective litmus test for any potential viewer. 

The problem with the humor is that the tone is inconsistent.  Much of the time, it resembles your typical low-budget horror comedy.  Other times it veers into Airplane! territory.  (At one point a character stops and exclaims, “Damn, that incidental music is scary!”)  Some of the oddball attempts at humor are endearing (like the janitor who just refers to everyone as a “weirdo”) while others fall flat.  When it’s trying to be funny, the results are decidedly mixed.  Instead, most of the laughs it manages to get are unintentional.  Then again, that’s not such a bad thing.  I mean, at least I was laughing. 

The horror side of the horror comedy coin is just as uneven, though no less entertaining.  Although much of the extraterrestrial zombie carnage is relatively lightweight, there are still a few gore highlights.  We get blood puking, an arm is hacked off, and there’s a decapitation.  I also liked the scene where the alien zombie leader was giving a symposium to a bunch of corpses.  Plus, you’ve got to give it points for using the ending of Return of the Living Dead before Return of the Living Dead did. 

AKA:  Horror Academy 1.  AKA:  Transformer.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: SEX AND THE SINGLE VAMPIRE (1970) ***

John Holmes stars as a vampire named Count Spatula who hates rats, complains about his rheumatism, and bitches that he doesn’t have any fresh blood in the house.  Well, he’s in luck.  Seven friends show up to his castle and decide to have an all-out swingers’ party.  After spending lots of time merely standing around and being a voyeur, the Count eventually ties up the guys and has his way with the women. 

Holmes, in his bad grey dye job, plastic vampire fangs, and dime store Dracula cape, is funny while muttering to himself and acting like a cranky count.  (I have a feeling some of the dialogue was ad-libbed.)  He also peeps on the swingers when they’re making time, and his wild-eyed reactions garner a few laughs.  Some of his shtick wears thin by the end (like when he tries to paint a portrait of an orgy), but it’s successful more often than not.  He certainly shows that even early on in his career he had star quality.

Despite the presence of the undisputed king of porn, this is a softcore flick.  Every time it looks like it’s going to cross over into hardcore territory, it pulls back.  (There may have been a “hot” version of it at some point, but who knows?)  That said, the scenes themselves are pretty good, especially the lesbian ones. 

It’s less than an hour long, but you have to wait till the very end until Holmes gets in on the action.  Still, his five-way with the ladies of the cast serves as a fine enough capper.  Plus, the final gag is pretty funny. 

In short, Sex and the Single Vampire might not have you doubled over in laughter, but you’ll be chuckling more often than not.  It’s a lot better than many ‘70s vampire pornos and is a good showcase for Holmes’ acting chops.  It definitely doesn’t suck. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: SLEEPWALKER (1984) **

Angela (Joanna David) and her abrasive homophobic husband Richard (Nickolas Grace) attend a dinner party at the home of her friend Marion (Heather Page) and her brother Alex (Bill Douglas).  I’m not exactly sure who thought this was a good idea because all involved can barely stand each other let alone sit in close proximity to one another.  Things go from bad to worse as polite dinner conversation gives way to arguments.  Wine is consumed, tempers flare, and secrets are revealed.  After everyone goes to bed, somebody begins picking off the guests while walking in their sleep. 

Sleepwalker is only fifty minutes long.  It feels like it may have originally been intended as part of an anthology or maybe even a television pilot for a suspense show.  (Then again, it’s too gory for that.)  I know I usually advocate for shorter running times in horror movies, but this is a rare instance where some fleshing out would’ve done the film some good.  Although the dinner party sequences are rather straightforward, there is an air of tension to them that makes it work.  I think if any portion of the film needed padding out it would’ve been the stuff just before everyone goes to bed.  It seems that things become awfully rushed from that point on.  Heck, even having two more guests in the house would’ve upped the body count and spread the plot out just enough to get to at least seventy-five minutes. 

The cast is pretty good.  Grace, who looks like Tim Curry cosplaying as Gene Siskel, is the standout.  He’s a guy you really love to hate, which makes his weak death scene feel a tad underwhelming.  There are some good gory moments elsewhere, but honestly some of the “It was all a Dream” bits are pretty irritating.  The abrupt ending doesn’t do the flick any favors either. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: SACRILEGE (1988) **

Sacrilege is what you get when the master of ‘60s smut, Joe Sarno tries to make an ‘80s horror movie.  He at least knows how to get our attention.  Before the title even rolls on screen, we are treated to an excellent decapitation.  Too bad you have to wait an hour to see something that cool again. 

Twenty years later, Sara (Christine Moore), the daughter of the woman who lost her head, arrives at a fundamentalist church where her mother ministered hoping to be accepted with open arms.  The reverend brings her into the fold, and once she becomes ordained, Sara is keen to return to her home country to save the soul of her twin sister.  During her mission trip, Sara believes her evil twin is lurking near their campsite.  Eventually, people start losing their heads and it’s up to her reporter boyfriend (Kurt Sinclair) to find the killer. 

Before we get into it, I just want to state that there was no reason Sacrilege had to be two hours long.  I think if Sarno cut forty minutes out of this baby it might’ve worked.  There’s plenty to like here if you know where to look.  It’s just that at this length it becomes a real slog. 

Although Sacrilege is painfully slow-moving at times, it still very much feels like a Sarno film.  There’s not quite as much skin as you would expect from the man, but the implied lesbian love affair that blooms between Sara and Sister Naomi (Shannon McMahon), and Naomi’s interactions with Sister Barbara (Amy Brentaro) could’ve come out of one of his ‘60s movies.  Like most Sarno ventures, it tends to feel like a soap opera at times, which isn’t exactly what you’re looking for in an ‘80s horror flick. 

Unlike most of his filmography, the movie contains some awesome decapitations.  Sarno definitely knows how to film a head getting hacked off by a sickle, so there is something to be said for trying something new.  In one great scene, the killer’s aim is slightly off, which leads to a half-decapitation complete with tongue flailing.  These bits are fantastic.  It’s just a shame you have to sit through a ton of boring religious melodrama before you get to the good stuff. 

McMahon (who like most of the cast, also appeared in Roberta Findlay movies) gets the best line when she denies the theory that Sara and her sister are the same person and dismisses it as “Psychoanalytical poppycock!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #28: GORE WHORE (1994) ***

A down on his luck detective (Brad Debussy) is tasked with finding a missing hooker named Dawn Day (Audrey Street).  It seems she’s run off with a mysterious substance from a lab and the scientist in charge wants it back.  You see, the stuff has turned her into a zombie and in order to stay alive(ish) she must drink the blood of her customers (one of which is a woman). 

Gore Whore is a sloppy affair.  The acting isn’t very good, the video cinematography is bad, and the music is even worse.  Plus, the film often feels much longer than the sixty-nine-minute running time suggests.  However, there is a lot of wacky shit in this movie that makes it worth a look. 

The opening scene is great, and pretty much clues you in on the kind of movie you signed up for.  The titular sex worker strips for a John, handcuffs him to the bed, and then proceeds to bite his dick off and rip his throat out.  Other gory bits include another dismembered member (this one accidental), a decapitation, and a gnarly scene where a guy gets his legs sawed off.  (Hey man, you can’t say this movie doesn’t live up to its title.)  There’s also a pretty good zombie attack scene involving a speeding care that is impressive, given the (very) low budget. 

The highlight is when Street strips down in a cemetery and puts the Re-Animator-inspired formula into a dildo syringe.  She then proceeds to… uh… take her medicine if you know what I mean. 

I have a feeling that if I saw it as a teenage gorehound, the combination of nudity and gore would’ve probably made this a favorite.  Over the years, I’ve grown to have (slightly) more discerning taste.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy Gore Whore.  Check it out.  It might bring out the teenage gorehound in you. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #27: THE DARK POWER (1987) ***

Writer/director Phil Smoot only made two movies, this and 1985’s Alien Outlaw.  Both films starred old time cowboy star Lash LaRue.  And they say there’s no such thing as “Auteur Theory”. 

A Native American mystic dies and his house becomes a half-assed sorority for a bunch of college girls.  Unbeknownst to them, the place is actually a burial ground for ancient evil Toltec shamans.  Eventually, the shamans rise from the grave and attack the sorority girls.  Naturally, the only one who can save them is Lash LaRue. 

LaRue plays a forest ranger in this.  I’m not sure, but I don’t think his bullwhip is standard issue equipment for a forest ranger.  There’s a scene early on where Lash saves a boy from a pack of wild dogs using his trademark bullwhip that feels like something out of a Family Channel movie. 

Honestly, The Dark Power has too many moving parts.  In addition to these scenes of derring-do by Lash, you have to sit through a lot of exposition about the house and all the Native American mumbo jumbo that’s involved with it.  There’s also a lengthy a subplot about a racist sorority sister and her lousy brother who are harassing the lone black girl in the group.  Fortunately, many of the sorority girl scenes revolve around them running around in skimpy outfits, exercising, and taking bubble baths.  I particularly loved the sorority house’s rumpus room that had posters of The Godfather, The Blues Brothers, Elvira, and Star Trek:  The Motion Picture on the wall.  (Although I’m not sure if the sorority girls put them up or if they were left over from the previous owner.)

I’m not going to lie.  Things are pretty spotty for the first forty-five minutes or so.  Once the film finally finds its footing, it’s pretty damned entertaining.  The zombie shaman are goofy and overly rubbery looking, but I’ll gladly take them over the usual pasty-faced zombies any day, especially when they attack their victims with bows and arrows and tomahawks.  Even crazier is the fact that when they start doing comic relief Three Stooges-style shtick it manages to be surprisingly funny.  The gore is great too and includes an incredible face ripping scene.

The dialogue is equally superb.  There are plenty of choice lines, among them:  “Toltec sorcerers are bad dudes!”  The best line though is reserved for LaRue when he gets the drop on the zombies and says, “Feel my whip, you son of a bitch!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: WITHIN THE WOODS (2005) **

A television producer thinks he has a brilliant idea for a reality show:  Drop off five contestants to the infamous “Camp Blood” and if they can survive the night, they will win a million dollars.  They just have to avoid an actor in a clown mask who’s playing the killer.  Naturally, the real killer clown bumps off the fake Bozo and starts murdering the contestants for real. 

Within the Woods is the third installment of the Camp Blood franchise.  I’m not sure why they felt the need to eschew the traditional title route with this one.  I guess the title makes sense as the primary rule of the game is that the contestants have to stay “within the woods” to win.  Honestly, it really should’ve just been called Camp Blood 3.  (Within the Woods was also the title of the film-within-a-film from Part 2.)

No matter what the heck they called it, one thing is for sure, the series had started slowly going downhill at this point.  The “killer in a reality show” trope was still relatively new when this was released, but the seams of the subgenre were already starting to show.  It doesn’t help that it’s only a slight reworking of the theme from the previous installment.  (That one was about someone making a movie about the murders, and in this one they turn it into a TV show.)  The gore isn’t quite as good as Part 2 either.  (We get throat slashing, an eyeball is popped out, stabbing, a machete through the stomach, and a hand gets chopped off.)

I will say this one is certainly more polished looking than the two entries that preceded it.  (Although you can see a few boom mikes in a couple of scenes.)  The acting is a tad better too.  It’s not nearly as much fun though.  Still, Within the Woods is a lot better than many of the cheesy Camp Blood sequels that would follow in the next two(!) decades. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: CAMP BLOOD 2 (2000) ** ½

Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff) is still in the nuthouse under suspicion of being the Camp Blood killer clown.  A director (Garrett Clancy) wants to turn her story into a movie called Within the Woods and hires Tricia to be a technical advisor on the picture.  Even before cameras start rolling, a psycho in a clown mask begins bumping off members of the cast and crew.  Once the production moves to the location of the original murders, the bodies really start piling up. 

Camp Blood 2 came out a mere six months after the original, and the good news is that there is a fair amount of consistency from film to film.  (Overall, I enjoyed it about as much as the original.)  The big drawback is the overreliance of flashbacks to the original that help pad things out.  If you never saw the first flick, you could probably just skip it and start with this one and not miss anything vital.  However, if you do watch Camp Blood 1 beforehand (like I did), it will offer its own share of rewards. 

For instance, you’ll be able to appreciate the Meta approach the filmmakers brought to this installment.  I especially liked how the script from the first film was recycled for scenes of the director’s “new” movie.  He even films a scene that is right out of the original.  I also found it funny that in one scene the director negotiates with a would-be starlet to do a topless scene for the “movie” and then the next scene is her getting topless in “real life”. 

They upped the gore this time out too, which definitely helps.  The carnage includes a machete through the back, a hand getting chopped off, a machete in the mouth and out the back of the head, a machete to the brain, and a bloody throat slashing.  The standout kill comes when someone gets their eyes gored out with a broken bottle. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: CAMP BLOOD (2000) ** ½

After seeing so many Camp Blood sequels on Tubi, it was nice to finally be able to go back to the beginning and watch the film that started it all.  Well, maybe “nice” isn’t exactly the right word for it, but you catch my drift. 

Two couples head out to the woods to hike at a closed campground the locals have dubbed “Camp Blood”.  Their guide is a tough woman named Harris (Courtney Taylor) who leads them to their campsite and tells them about the legend of a killer in a clown mask that lurks in the forest.  Little do they know the real killer is hanging about with a very large machete and hacking up anyone who gets in his way. 

The film kicks off in fine fashion with a couple of birdwatchers getting busy before the clown comes around and cuts them down.  Once it settles in, it becomes a pretty generic, albeit moderately entering slasher.  The gore is kind of sparse, but we do get an okay burnt up face and a decent machete in the head gag.  There are also moments that kind of crib from/pay homage to Friday the 13th and Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  Although some of the scenes where the friends get lost in the woods tend to drag, I will say the payoff works better than expected as the twist ending provides a solid capper on the film.  The most amusing part though is sound of squeaky clown shoes on the soundtrack to signify the killer is near.  

Just about every slasher movie contains a scene where an old guy warns the characters not to go messing around in the woods.  The guy in Camp Blood has to be the most obnoxious of all time.  At least he gets what’s coming to him. 

It’s hard to believe that a low-budget slasher like Camp Blood could spawn over a dozen sequels.  Like any respectable long running franchise, the sequels got sillier as time wore on.  Fortunately, if you just want a bare bones meat and potatoes horror flick, Camp Blood will likely do the trick. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: THE BLEEDER (1983) ***

When I’m picking movies to watch for The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween, I try to mix things up a bit.  I usually like to review a couple of low-budget Shot on Video slashers and at least one foreign film.  The Bleeder checks both boxes as it’s a low-budget Shot on Video horror flick from Sweden.  As a bonus, it belongs in one of my favorite subgenres, Rock n’ Roll Horror!

A crazed killer (played by rock drummer Ake Ericksson) escapes from a mental institution and lurks around a dilapidated resort playing with baby carriages.  An all-girl rock band called Rock Cats are on their way to a gig when their bus breaks down.  They go walking into the woods looking for help and eventually come upon the abandoned hotel where the killer begins picking them off one by one. 

The video cinematography is surprisingly crisp and looks very professional.  The camera movement and POV stalking shots are pretty good too, all things considered.  It looks especially polished when you compare it to other SOV horror flicks that were being made in America around the same time, like Boardinghouse and Sledgehammer. 

I will say that for a movie about a rock n’ roll band, the music is a little disappointing.  Rock Cats only perform one song, which is odd.  I thought they'd definitely play something once they arrived at the abandoned hotel (or at least rehearse).  Then again, they kinda suck, so maybe that was for the best.  (I was surprised to learn they were an actual band called Revansch.)  Also, the score just sounds like someone playing the theme from Halloween in the wrong key.  That said, this would still make a good double feature with Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys.

Do I wish the body count was higher and/or the kills didn’t mostly occur offscreen?  Yes.  However, there are countless other SOV horror films out there that score high marks in that department.  It’s much harder to make an SOV horror flick that looks fairly close to an “actual” movie and is this good to boot.  Besides, there’s a certain purity to the form of people splitting up and being bumped off until there’s only one left to confront the killer.  Shit like this is what October was made for. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: 28 YEARS LATER: THE BONE TEMPLE (2026) *** ½

The Bone Temple picks up shortly after 28 Years Later ended with the young Spike (Alfie Williams) being picked up by a gang of tracksuit wearing zombie killers who worship their leader Jimmy (Jack O’Connell) like he was the Messiah.   Meanwhile, Dr. Kelson (Ralph Fiennes) has seen some interesting changes in the zombie “Alpha” Samson (Chi Lewis-Parry) and is trying to establish a line of communication between humans and the “Infected”. 

The Bone Temple is a lot more uneven than its predecessor, but the heights it manages to hit are awfully lofty.  Before we discuss that, let’s get into what doesn’t work.  The stuff with the “Jimmys” is pretty goofy.  I know it’s a common motif in zombie movies to have humans be more of a threat than the undead.  That doesn’t mean it exactly works.  The fact that you have such an interesting character like Spike and stick him in a blonde wig and let him more or less become a fly on the wall for much of the picture also kinda sucks. 

So, essentially that’s where my nitpicks end because the rest of the movie is aces.  The last one was more consistent, but this one absolutely rips when it finds its footing.  The scenes with Fiennes kick all kinds of ass.  His smallish role in the last film was a real highlight.  This time out, he gets tons more screen time.  The scenes where he strikes up an unlikely friendship with the hulking Samson play like a mix of the scenes of Frankenstein and the blind man in Bride of Frankenstein and the Dr. Frankenstein and Bub scenes in Day of the Dead. 

The best part about his character is that he’s a raging Duranie.  After a hard day of surviving the zombie apocalypse, our boy likes to strip down in his fallout shelter and play “Girls on Film” at full blast.  Respect. 

It gets better though.  I won’t spoil the end.  What I will say is that it culminates with Fiennes performing one of the greatest song and dance routines ever shown on the silver screen.  It won’t happen, but Fiennes should seriously be nominated for an Oscar.  I mean, he deserves it for his performance as a whole.  It’s just that he is so fucking awesome in this scene that I feel the Academy needs to take notice ASAP.  Even if he isn’t nominated, I feel confident in saying you won’t find a more memorable sequence all year.   

In fact, I kind of wish they could’ve taken all of Fiennes’ scenes from both films, edited them together, and released it as one big movie.  Oh well.  Fiennes also gets the best line of the year when he says, “Pride moves inside me like maggots in the corpse of Christ!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: 28 YEARS LATER (2025) *** ½

Nearly three decades after the zombie plague ravaged the United Kingdom, a band of survivors live off the coast in a small village in relative peace.  Jamie (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) takes his son Spike (Alfie Williams) to “The Mainland” to hunt his first zombie.  After a successful hunt, he is welcomed back to the clan and hailed as a hero.  Trouble brews when Spike ventures back to the Mainland on an unauthorized trip. 

I’ll leave the kid’s reasons for returning to the Mainland vague.  Just know that his father would not approve.  I liked that even after the zombie apocalypse, there’s still a Generation Gap.  Spike is hopelessly naïve but that’s kind of what makes him an interesting character.  The film’s theme of manhood is neat to chew on too.  Spike is performing a ritual to become a man, yet he almost immediately grows weary of his clan’s notion of manhood and sets out to do something way braver than his father would ever attempt. 

The film is almost neatly halved.  The first portion is essentially a father and son bonding during the zombie apocalypse.  (They hunt zombies instead of deer.)  The second half is a similar journey except with Spike and his mother (Jodie Comer).  This portion of the film cleverly undoes a lot of what we previously had seen and gives Spike an opportunity to look at the world through his own eyes instead of his father’s.  This half is also enlivened by the presence of Ralph Fiennes as a kooky doctor who lives among the “Infected”. 

The downside is that the film also weirdly takes a page from the Marvel Universe as it gratuitously sets up the next sequel, The Bone Temple.  It would’ve been a lot more impactful had it ended five minutes sooner on a more somber note.  The arrival of the Big Bad for the next film just feels cheesy and out of step with the rest of the picture. 

The zombie carnage is pretty good, even if their numbers are a bit sparse after 28 years.  Director Danny Boyle (returning to the franchise after sitting out in 28 Weeks Later) delivers a memorable opening scene where the zombie apocalypse occurs while a bunch of kids are in front of the tube watching Teletubbies.  The choppy editing is a little grating during the action, but it’s not nearly as bad as the shaky-cam shit from the original.  Besides, the gripes I have with 28 Years Later are few and far between, and many can be forgiven on account of the fact that the film contains the best zombie birthing scene since the Dawn of the Dead remake. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: ENTER THE DEVIL (1972) ** ½

A deputy named Jase (Dave Cass, who also wrote the script) heads into the desert looking for a missing person.  He eventually turns up inside a burned-up car.  The coroner says his wounds suggest he was crucified before he was set on fire.  Since it’s an election year, the sheriff (John Martin) wants it all swept under the rug.  Jase and a sexy doctor (Irene Kelley) do more digging, and soon, the bodies start piling up. 

Enter the Devil is a low-budget horror flick from Texas.  I’m not saying it’s great, but these kinds of regional horror movies have a look and feel that can’t be replicated no matter how hard you try.  Before what we now know as “independent cinema” came along, this is what a true indie used to look like.  It’s rough around the edges, features a no-name cast doing their darnedest, contains some unique location work, and has a handmade quality that is undeniable. 

It’s far from perfect.  I could make a laundry list about what’s “wrong” with Enter the Devil.  It suffers from too much padding.  The cinematography is often muddy.  It definitely could’ve used some gore or skin to spice things up.  However, I’m going to accentuate the positive here.  In doing so, I have to spoil the movie, so if your curiosity is piqued from this review so far, stop reading and go check it out. 

Okay, so if you can make it past some of the pokey passages and lackadaisical pacing, the end of the film is actually pretty interesting.  Our hero Jase gets Janet Leighed in the beginning of the third act, and his best friend is revealed to be part of the devil cult.  Just as the cultists are about to sacrifice the heroine, the sheriff, who has been dragging his feet the whole movie, bursts in with a bunch of deputies toting machine guns and blow the crimson robed worshippers away!  He also gets a badass line when he lights his cigar from a burning torch and says, “Maybe dynamite will put an end to all this foolishness!”

This is the equivalent of Mayor Vaughn saying, “Smile you son of a bitch!” and blowing up the Great White as he rescues Chief Brody.  The ineffectual sheriff gets his redemption.  I sort of loved it for that. 

So yeah, Enter the Devil is sure to frustrate viewers looking for something along the lines of The Devil’s Rain or Race with the Devil.  If instead you have an appetite for a quirky ‘70s oddity it should fit the bill.  Oh, and the theme song, “Green, Green, Green” is a certified banger.

AKA:  Disciples of Death.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: DARK WATERS (1993) ***

Elizabeth (Louise Salter) arrives at a convent located on a remote island.  It seems her dead father made regular contributions to the church, and she wants to see where his money was going.  Before long, she begins to suspect the creepy nuns may have sacrificed a friend of hers.  Elizabeth then teams up with a Sherlock Holmes-obsessed nun (Venera Simmons) to unravel the truth. 

Director Mariano Baino has the same philosophy as Dario Argento when it comes to atmosphere taking precedence over the plot.  Given a choice between a scene making sense or looking cool, he’d pick the latter every time.  I respect that.  It doesn’t always make for the most coherent moviegoing experience, but I respect that.  I can’t say it 100% “worked”.  I can say I was always entertained. I’ll admit some of the “plot” was a tad confusing.  However, I could honestly say I didn’t know where the movie was going to go next.  That’s not something you can say about dozens of other horror flicks. 

Dark Waters has a cool visual style reminiscent of other ‘90s horror films like Dance with the Devil, Cemetery Man, and Killer Tongue.  Baino also delivers some unique nightmare/freak-out imagery.  The shots of the crucified nun are atmospheric and the scene where Salter begins chowing down on a dead fish is quite memorable.  The sequences where the nuns hold their unholy sabbaths in the candlelit catacombs under the church are also appropriately moody. 

I will say that the final monster is awfully rubbery looking.  That’s probably why he’s only briefly shown.  That said, the payoff is still satisfying enough to make some of the more ambiguous passages feel justified. 

This is one of those movies where you have to turn off your rational mind to unlock the mystery.  Let your lizard brain take over and some of the more abstract breadcrumbs will begin to make sense.  If you can groove to Dark Waters’ dream logic frequency, it will sure to be a big splash. 

AKA:  Dead Waters.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #18: KEEPER (2025) **

The only Osgood Perkins film I’ve seen that I enjoyed was his last one, The Monkey.  I was hoping a little bit of that movie’s wacky momentum would carry over into his latest, Keeper.  Well, I guess the “Glass is Half Full” take is that this is, in my opinion, the second-best Osgood Perkins movie.  That is to say, it’s still not very good but it’s a lot better than something like Longlegs. 

Tatiana Maslany (who was also in The Monkey) and her boyfriend (Rossif Sutherland) go to a cabin in the woods for some R & R.  There, she eats some chocolate cake and soon begins seeing weird shit.  Is the place haunted or was the cake laced with some sort of hallucinogenic?  Or is it a bit of both?

One of the big reasons Keeper falls apart is the fact that Sutherland delivers one of the worst performances in recent memory.  He’s just a non-entity throughout the movie.  That wouldn’t be such a big deal if so much of the plot didn’t hinge on whether or not Maslany should trust him or not.  Even in the scenes where he’s supposed to be threatening or menacing, he’s just sort of…there.  Fortunately, Maslany anchors the film as best as anyone could’ve expected, given the circumstances.  She gives a good performance, but the film that surrounds her just isn’t worthy. 

Perkins does give the film plenty of atmosphere.  The cinematography during the final sequences is also quite striking.  The glass-walled cabin has a lot of personality too, which helps, especially during the scenes where Maslany is all by herself in the house. 

I don’t mind being a patient viewer on slow burn horror movies like this if my patience is eventually rewarded.  Well, there is a payoff to all the vague haunting and mysterious phenomena going on in the house.  Whether or not it was worth the wait will probably depend on the individual viewer.  Personally, I think it was a bit lackluster, but at least Perkins threw us a bone at the end.  It’s just a shame it didn’t have any meat on it. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #17: THE PHOTOGRAPHER (2011) *

I watched the sequel to this movie, The Photographer:  Inside the Dark Room a while back and I genuinely enjoyed it.  For whatever reason, it took me a while to circle around and check out the original.  I have a feeling that if I saw this one first, I wouldn’t have even bothered with the sequel. 

A model comes to a hotel room to pose for a geeky photographer.  She gets weirded out when he tries to rub baby oil on her and tries to leave.  Up until this point, I was totally with the movie.  However, at about the fifteen minute mark, it takes a nosedive and never recovers. 

The model mysteriously winds up on a deserted stretch of road.  Before long, a couple find themselves on the same road and have a run-in with the photographer.  It’s here where things devolve into a series of psych-out sequences.  Some play like music videos.  Others are overly artsy-fartsy. 

Of course, this winds up being one of those “It was All a Dream” deals, and the movie essentially starts over again at around the halfway point.  I was already starting to mentally check out by then.  Having to unceremoniously shift gears midway through did not help matters. 

It feels like this might’ve been one of those cases where the filmmakers made a short and then tried to expand it to feature length.  Some of the dreamy, obtuse shit might’ve worked in a short, but when you do it in a feature, your audience just feels like they’re being jerked around.  It’s a long time coming when the film eventually tries to win the audience back.  It gives us a couple of decent scenes of women in bondage including models wrapped in duct tape, bound with nipple clamps, and encased in shrink wrap.  Sadly, just when you think the movie has reclaimed its bearings, it shits the bed again. 

I guess I could also complain about the abrupt and unsatisfying ending, but hey, at least it ended. 

AKA:  The Photographer:  Inside the Mind of a Psycho.  AKA:  The Camera Killer. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #16: READY OR NOT: HERE I COME (2026) **

This uneven and overlong sequel to the fun Ready or Not picks up immediately where that film ended.  Samara Weaving survives the deadly game of Hide and Seek on her wedding night only to be kidnapped again by a cabal of all-powerful Satanic rich people who want to hunt her down and kill her… again.  This time they add Weaving’s estranged sister (Kathryn Newton) into the mix.  Predictably, the two bickering siblings must learn to work together in order to survive the night. 

Here I Come takes an inordinate amount of time to set up its premise, which might not have been so bad if it wasn’t just a rehash of the original.  Further hampering the film is the laborious first act which is loaded with scenes of people over explaining the “rules” of the new game.  Also, the setting, a posh country club for rich assholes, isn’t nearly as interesting or atmospheric as the castle in the first movie. 

Weaving and Newton are two of my favorite actresses working today so pairing them up should’ve been a recipe for success.  While they have their moments, it’s not exactly the pairing you’d hope it to be.  Part of the problem lies in the fact that their characters more or less hate each other.  Because of that, most of their scenes devolve into a lot of shouting about their ongoing family squabbles.  Not only do these scenes get repetitive, but they also prevent the action from gaining momentum.  Maybe they can be paired again in a better written film somewhere down the line. 

The supporting cast is pretty good though.  It includes Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Cronenberg, and Elijah Wood as various pawns in the new game.  While Wood gets some okay quips, and Gellar gets to do some Buffy-type action, Cronenberg is pretty much wasted in what is essentially an extended cameo. 

It might sound like I really have it out for this movie.  Here I Come is fine, I guess.  It’s a step down from the original that’s for sure.  The standout moment comes when someone is tossed into an industrial washing machine.  There’s also a fight between two women who are both blinded by mace that’s kinda funny.  However, the long-winded third act really takes it down a notch.  You’ll probably be ready to go before Ready or Not is over. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #15: DOLLY (2026) ***

Chase (Seann William Scott) and his girlfriend Macy (Fabianne Therese) go hiking in the woods where they encounter a creepy woman wearing a doll mask (Max the Impaler).  She kidnaps Macy and takes her back to her oversized dollhouse in the woods where she dresses her up and forces her to play baby doll.  When she doesn’t comply, her captor gets mad.  REAL mad. 

Dolly is a three-chord horror flick that tries to replicate the look and feel of an old school slasher, and it more or less succeeds.  It’s a slight reworking of the old Texas Chainsaw motif except with infantilism and a killer who wears a doll mask taking the place of cannibalism and a killer wearing a mask made of human skin.  (They also trade out chainsaws for shovels.)  The fact that the filmmakers keep it simple and straightforward is what makes it work so well.  There are no unnecessary characters or subplots gumming up the works.  It’s just Macy trying to elude Dolly and reunite with her boyfriend. 

I was genuinely surprised to see Scott appearing in something like this.  There’s no trace of the old Stifler here.  He does a fine job at playing a grown-up character for a change.  In fact, you’ll probably feel sorry for him most of the time.  Therese likewise puts in a solid turn and gets into her Final Girl role with spunk and fire.  It’s Max the Impaler who makes the biggest impression as Dolly.  She’s a professional wrestler that I’m unfamiliar with, but if this film is any indication she has quite a career ahead of her.  I was particularly impressed how she was able to slip in little bits of humanity into the role which prevented the character from being just another generic hulking slasher. 

No one rewrote the rules with this one.  Nor did they need to.  If you enjoy a good throwback slasher flick, you’re bound to eat this one up.  This is the kind of film where characters go hiking in the woods and discover hundreds of dolls nailed to the trees and they CONTINUE TO WALK ALONG THE PATH.  I mean they pretty much deserve what’s coming to them if you ask me. 

And here’s just a taste of what’s coming to them:  A shovel to the mouth scene (it’s a real jaw dropper), ear ripping, a hand through the chest, skull flattening, and a decapitation.  We also get an icky changing table scene as well as the craziest breastfeeding scene since Barbarian.  If that won’t entice you to watch it, I don’t know what will. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #14: THE DOLL OF SATAN (1969) **

Elizabeth (Erna Schurer from Scream of the Demon Lover) learns her uncle has passed away and that she is set to inherit his castle.  She arrives at the property with her boyfriend Jack (Roland Carey) and soon comes to realize her uncle might’ve been murdered.  Before long, we discover that the help is plotting to drive Elizabeth insane by using a drug so they can disinherit her. 

It’s a tale as old as time.  Or at least as old as movies themselves.  Yes, The Doll of Satan (the only film from one-and-done director Ferruccio Casapinta) is another Old Dark House movie.  They weren’t really making a lot of these things in 1969, and the proof is in the pudding.  It’s a creaky and dull murder mystery.  You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s in color (the gorgeous cinematography is a huge plus) and it contains some brief (very brief) nudity, it could’ve passed for a movie from thirty years earlier.  

I’m a fan of Old Dark House mysteries, and even this one tried my patience.  The set-up takes longer than necessary and the plot plods for nearly an hour as fragments of the killers’ scheme are slowly doled out to the audience.  Once the drug takes effect and our heroine begins to experience sexual dreams/hallucinations, things perk up slightly.  However, the cheesy ending is right out of an episode of Scooby-Doo (complete with heroic canine). 

Schurer is quite good in the lead, but the movie makes a serious miscalculation by keeping her largely absent from the action in the third act.  Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered if Carey wasn’t such a dull leading man.  It also doesn’t help that the torture dungeon in the basement (which figures prominently in the poster art) barely gets any use.  Oh, and despite the title, Satan never once figures into the action.  What the hell.  Oh well, I guess you can get some laughs from the club scenes which feature some of the whitest white people dancing you’ve ever seen. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #13: VIRGIN SACRIFICES (1996) ***

Sal Longo goes down to the South American jungle to find a native method for preserving body parts.  He returns home with his assistant’s head in a box that miraculously can still communicate with him through telepathy.  You see, he was kept alive in a sacred mud that will preserve a man’s life forever.  The only catch is that a virgin woman must be sacrificed in the mud first.  He then sends Sal off to find four virgins to make him whole again.  Predictably, Sal’s own daughter (Laura Giglio) is a virgin too.  Will Sal be able to break the head’s control over him in time to save his daughter’s life?

This is a solid set-up for a horror movie from W.A.V.E. Productions.  While the film doesn’t stray from the company’s tried and true formula, it finds interesting variations of their trademark tropes, which should make it a real treat for fans of this sort of thing.  The death by mud bath scenes are a slight reworking of W.A.V.E.’s typical quicksand deaths.  One of these sequences leads to an enormously amusing inter-gender mud wrestling match between Longo and Tina Krause.  Another twist comes when the decapitated head uses the power of telepathy to drown its victims.  There are so many W.A.V.E. flicks that feature women being drowned by men that having them drown themselves was a unique enough touch to make it feel fresh. 

The usual W.A.V.E. suspects appear and put in fun turns.  Longo is as entertaining as ever playing the possessed papa.  Clancey McCauley is strong too as his ex-wife, Pamela Sutch is great as the leader of a pro-abstinence group, and Giglio is quite good as the virginal daughter.  It’s Tina Krause who takes the acting honors as a sassy stripper who gets the best line of the movie:  “I may have to work in a mud hole, but I don’t have to wallow with the pigs!”

Children of the ‘80s will likely get a kick out of the scene where Sal stalks a victim at a video store.  It’s fun spotting posters for movies like Inner Sanctum, Seedpeople, and Dr. Caligari on the wall.  Ah, those were the days!

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #12: MASK OF MURDER (1988) **

The police are after a serial slasher.  They corner the killer and gun him down, but when the slayings continue, detective Rod Taylor has to find the culprit.  If his plate wasn’t already full enough, Rod also suspects his wife (Valerie Perrine) is cheating on him with his partner. 

You might think you’re in for a goodie when you sit down to watch Mask of Murder as there are not one but two murders before the minute mark.  While there are a handful of bloody slashings sprinkled throughout the rest of the running time, the film is never quite able to recapture the punch of the opening scene.  From then on, it just sort of turns into a plodding police thriller.  Despite the promising start, director Arne (The Doll) Mattsson handles the material rather stiffly, all things considered. 

Christopher Lee is on hand as Taylor’s boss.  Despite having his face on the video box, it’s more of a supporting role.  He gets shot during the scene where the cops try to catch the killer early in the picture, which means he spends most of his screen time in a hospital bed while Taylor runs around and does all the legwork.  It’s kind of a waste of Lee, but you can’t blame him for taking the role.  It must’ve been an easy paycheck for him.  Taylor, it must be said, carries the film as well as could be expected.  It was definitely an interesting role to play, even if it wasn’t particularly well written. 

Another problem is that you can figure out early on who the new killer is.  Although his plan to get away with it isn’t bad, it just feels like he takes a long time to get around to pulling it off.  The subplot with Perrine (who like Lee is more or less wasted) cheating on Taylor, while important, also drags things down considerably.  

The mask the killer wears is pretty cool though.  It’s just a white latex face covering that looks similar to the one in Wicked Wicked.  While the mask is simple, it’s pretty effective.  I wish the same could be said for the rest of the movie. 

AKA:  The Investigator.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #11: THE MUMMY (2026) **

After fucking up the Evil Dead franchise with the godawful Evil Dead Rise, Lee Cronin sets his sight on The Mummy.  Now, the actual on-screen title is Lee Cronin’s The Mummy, but I’m making it a rule that only people who make good movies get their names in the title.  Either that or they just can’t make the same damn movie twice with only slight variations.  I mean after this and Rise, it seems Cronin’s sole MO is to take a family that’s already in crisis and put them through hell.  The good news is this is better than Evil Dead Rise.  Honestly, that wasn’t all that hard to do. 

A young girl is kidnapped while her family is working in Cairo.  Eight years later, she’s found in a sarcophagus and returned to her parents.  The girl has obviously been through a lot, but that’s no excuse for antisocial behavior that includes running around the house like a spider monkey, eating bugs, and throwing your grandma out the window. 

Let’s face it.  There was no goddamn reason this thing had to be one-hundred-and-thirty-four goddamned minutes.  It enjoyed bits and pieces of the film, but honestly if Cronin cut about fifty minutes from this, it would’ve been easier on all of us.  The feeling of déjà vu didn’t help either.  Most of the time it seemed like he was trying to make another Evil Dead movie, but couldn’t get the rights, so he just traded out Kandarian demons for Egyptian ones.  The parts where the girl infects other family members with the evil are also like Evil Dead, and there are other moments that rip off The Exorcist and Patrick. 

Man, if you go into The Mummy expecting to see… you know… a mummy, you’re going to be hella disappointed.  The little girl isn’t really a mummy, but more of a vessel of evil.  While there is a mummy in the movie, it only gets about a minute of screen time. 

At least the gore is good.  We get a hook through the chin, a stick through the eye, a gnarly toenail cutting scene, an abuela getting eaten by coyotes, a pretty funny funeral scene and a cool bit where a woman’s got to stick her fingers down her throat the hard way.  That’s not quite enough to salvage the dreary, sluggish, and unnecessary parts.  It still doesn’t take away the fact that this is a bait-and-switch Mummy movie.  Heck, I might’ve been more forgiving if it was called Egyptian Dead or something.  I mean, to make a movie called The Mummy that barely has a mummy in it feels like some kind of pyramid scheme. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: HOLY WEDNESDAY (1974) ***

Snakey (The Slime People’s Les Tremayne) is a crotchety old snake handler who has the local kids round up mice to feed to his pet snakes.  Their schoolteacher Cynthia (Bebe Kelly) really likes Snakey’s pet snake, Lucifer.  And I mean she REALLY likes him!  When the local grocer Sis (Alice Nunn, Large Marge from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure) and her sleazy brother (Bruce Kimball) catch wind of all this, they blackmail Cynthia and force her to call off the illicit relationship.  After they kill Snakey’s beloved snake, he snaps and sets out to use his snakes to get revenge on those who’ve wronged him (which, fortunately for the audience is quite a few people). 

This could’ve been an ordinary snake-themed revenge thriller (like, say… Stanley), but nothing about Holy Wednesday is ordinary.  Just about everybody in this movie is a miserable old cuss.  They almost feel like characters from a Coen Brothers movie, except the writing isn’t as good.  Let’s take our main character, Snakey for example.  He’s a John Philip Sousa super fan that gets drunk and blares “Stars and Stripes Forever” and rants about snakes and band music to anyone who’ll listen.  Only in the ‘70s would you get this kind of psycho character and be expected to root for him. 

The snake fucking scenes are handled with restraint.  In the first sequence, all we see is Cynthia’s shadow on the wall, but we can easily get the gist of what’s going on.  Heck, even the scene where she is gangbanged to death by snakes is tastefully done.  (Now there’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d type.) 

The movie is also surprisingly progressive.  Cythnia’s predilection for snakes is presented without judgment.  There is no kink shaming here, which is kind of refreshing.  (There’s a great scene where we see her lying in bed and looking longingly at pictures of snakes.)

This was director Arthur A. Names’ only film.  He worked in sound most of his career.  He probably knew he couldn’t top this one.  Better to quit while you’re ahead. 

AKA:  Fangs.  AKA:  Snakes.  AKA:  Snakelust.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: OTHER MOMMY (2026) ***

From the moment I first saw the trailer for Other Mommy I knew it was love at first sight.  In case you missed it, it featured the reigning queen of modern-day horror, Jessica Chastain acting freaky and twisting herself into a contorted pretzel person.  All I could say to that was, “One, please”.

Chastain has a dual role.  She is the regular mommy to a little girl (Arabella Olivia Clark) and the “other” mommy, which is kind of like a combination of imaginary friend and demon.  The thing longs to be human and the only way to do that is to enter the kid’s heart.  The family then has to come together to stop Other Mommy. 

It sounds simple.  It is simple.  (In more ways than one, really.)  What I enjoyed about it is how straightforward it was.  There were no unnecessary subplots or wasted scenes with people not believing the kid.  Basically, from the first scene on, the family knows the score.  Other Mommy also fucks people up with panache (even if some of the kills use a little too much CGI).  There’s also a funny bit where one of her early attempts to look human is undone because she has too many fingers, a clear jab at AI. 

The movie excels mostly because of Chastain’s commitment to the bit.  Her facial gymnastics and intense teary-eyed stares do and say more than any CGI can.  She also does fine work as the “real” mommy, as she isn’t exactly a goody-two shoes either.  I also enjoyed seeing Karen Allen popping up late in the game as her kooky mother. 

Clark is excellent as well.  She holds your attention during the scenes where she’s interacting with nothing more than shadows, balloons, or plastic balls that may or may not be hiding places for the Other Mommy.  If they hand out acting awards for kids, she’d probably be on the short list this year. 

To sum up, Other Mommy is a solid spook-a-blast.  It’s not going to be mistaken for a classic, but it’s a well-oiled machine featuring plenty of jump scares.  In fact, the most amusing part at my screening was after a jump scare, some dude ripped a big fart, which cracked the entire audience up.  I mean, Other Mommy literally scared the shit out of him.  If that isn’t a recommendation, I don’t know what is. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1982) **

Directed by Jeffrey Obrow and Stephen Carpenter, The Dorm That Dripped Blood is a thoroughly middle of the road exercise in slasher movie filmmaking.  The plot finds a group of college students working together to clean out a decommissioned dorm over Christmas break.  They are soon picked off one by one by an unseen killer. 

The film is most notable for being the debut of Daphne (Spaceballs) Zuniga.  She gets offed pretty early on, but she clearly is the most talented actress in the bunch.  In fact, the film loses a lot of its charm once she exits the picture.  It also happens to feature the first score by Christopher (Hellraiser) Young, although he basically just rips off Bernard Herrmann’s score for Psycho. 

The Dorm That Dripped Blood is a pretty generic slasher in just about every way.  Some fans will undoubtedly enjoy it for that.  My big issue with it was the draggy pacing.  The final confrontation with the killer goes on far too long as well.  It also doesn’t help that half the movie is essentially devoted to characters splitting up to walk down darkened hallways so they can look for other characters.  Plus, the creepy guy with the Art Garfunkel hair has got to be the most obvious red herring in slasher movie history. 

Heck, they don’t even lean into the Christmastime aesthetic, which is kind of disappointing.  If anything, it would’ve given the movie an opportunity to be worth a look during both the Halloween and the Yuletide season.  Other than some tinsel and a few colored lights that are seen in the background early on, you’d never know it was Christmas.  Bummer. 

The good news is the DVD from Synapse reinstates the gore that was cut out in the theatrical version.  It’s clearly the way to go, seeing how the murder sequences are the best thing about the movie.  This version has more hand stabbing, bludgeoning, and head drilling, which almost kind of makes it worth a damn.  It all amounts to about five extra minutes, which isn’t too shabby.  Do yourself a favor and steer clear of the R rated cut. 

Obrow and Carpenter later directed the minor classic, The Kindred. 

AKA:  Pranks.  AKA:  Death Dorm.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #7: SUMMER CAMP NIGHTMARE (1987) ** ½

Chuck Connors stars as the overly strict head of a boys’ summer camp.  The rowdy kids soon grow resentful of his overbearing demeanor.  After he cancels a big shindig between the campers and the neighboring girls camp, a cold, calculating, and charismatic teenager stages a revolution.  With the help of the easily led campers, he locks up Connors and the other grown-ups and takes over the camp.  Predictably, chaos and even murder ensues. 

Well, it happens every year.  I put a movie on my Horror-Ween watchlist that looks like a horror flick and sounds like a horror flick, but it winds up not being the case.  The fact that was co-written by Penelope (Decline of Western Civilization) Spheeris is the first sign that this might not be the kind of movie you’re expecting.  Although it was sold as another summer camp slasher, it’s more like a mash-up of Lord of the Flies and Over the Edge.  That means it hews closer to Spheeris’ films about disaffected youth.  It certainly has more in common with something like The Boys Next Door or Suburbia than The Burning or Sleepaway Camp. 

It’s clear where everything is headed once the plot is set in motion.  It might’ve been nice if it had some weight or grit to it, as it essentially plays like a darker version of an After School Special.  Still, it has just enough of a body count to qualify as a horror-lite film. 

Connors is good at playing a mean son of a bitch.  So much so that the movie loses a little something once he’s out of the picture.  ‘80s connoisseurs will recognize some other faces in the cast like Charles Stratton from Munchies and Tom Fridley from Friday the 13th Part VI.  Fridley is part of the standout sequence when the girls from the neighboring camp put on a pure ‘80s dance routine for the talent show.  Then him and another guy hop on stage and lip sync to Fear’s “Beef Bologna”.  You can safely assume that was a Spheeris touch. 

AKA:  The Butterfly Revolution.  AKA:  Revolution Class.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #6: MOMMY (1995) ***

Poor Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux). Wherever her Mommy (Patty McCormack) goes, people seem to die.  Parent teacher conference?  Dead teacher.  Walking down the hallways of the school? Dead janitor.  But who do you turn to when you think your own mother is a murderer? 

The big draw for Mommy is seeing The Bad Seed herself, Patty McCormack all grown up and portraying a similarly sinister kind of character.  She really plays it up to the hilt and gets some great lines.  When she comes into the school after hours and the janitor asks if she has permission to be there, she snaps, “I’m a taxpayer!  I don’t need your permission!”  The term “Karen” hadn’t been invented in 1995, but that’s pretty much what she is.  Except… you know… she’s a killer. 

Written and directed by famed crime novelist Max Allan (Road to Perdition) Collins, this is essentially a low rent but entertaining From Hell movie.  It does suffer from a cheap washed-out look, but what it lacks in polish it makes up for in the acting department.  The supporting cast is an odd but eclectic group that includes The Exorcist’s Jason Miller as the detective on the case, Scream Queen Brinke Stevens as Patty’s sister, Star Trek’s Majel Barrett as a teacher, and Mickey Spillane shows up as Patty’s lawyer (he probably did it as a favor to fellow novelist Collins). 

Because Collins is a crime novelist, the film does lean and twist in ways you might not expect.  Also, the narration by Jessica Ann feels like genuine insight into the character instead of merely a way to keep the plot together.  It will never be mistaken for a classic, but Mommy is always a bit better than you might expect.  The drab cinematography aside (not to mention the cheesy comic sans font used for the credits), it’s a relatively (no pun intended) engrossing psycho-thriller. 

Collins, McCormack, and much of the same cast returned two years later for the sequel, Mommy 2:  Mommy’s Day. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #5: THE BARN (2017) ***

Josh (Will Stout) and Sam (Mitchell Musolino) grab a bunch of friends and head to a concert on Halloween night.  They stop to party at an abandoned barn that the local legend claims is haunted by a miner, a scarecrow, and a pumpkin man.  Eventually, they learn the legend is indeed very real and they soon find themselves up against three supernatural killers. 

The Barn is a nostalgic throwback to the horror movies of the ‘80s.  It’s set on Halloween night in 1989, and it captures the era with a lot more authenticity than many other similar contemporary horror films.  Sometimes it gets a little bogged down with all the “rules” pertaining to its mythology, but that’s easy to overlook considering the filmmakers wear their inspiration (and heart) on their sleeve and have a genuine appreciation and affection for the genre. 

There’s a million different ways a low-budget production like this can go wrong.  Try to make it campy and it just becomes another disposable sub-Troma movie.  Lean too hard into nostalgia and run the risk of alienating modern audiences.  However, writer/director Justin M. Seaman finds the sweet spot more often than not. 

The impressive body count and generous helping of gore doesn’t hurt either.  The highlight comes when the three killers crash a Halloween Hootenanny and make short work of the attendees.  There’s eyeball popping, heart ripping, gut ripping, and a cool bobbing for apples kill.  Elsewhere there’s arm hacking, severed heads, face ripping, and plenty of slashed throats to go around. 

I haven’t seen Musolino and Stout in anything before, but they are quite good.  Of course, my favorite performance was courtesy of Linnea Quigley.  She plays the town’s religious nut who’s trying to ban Halloween.  I also got a kick out of Ari Lehman (Jason from the original Friday the 13th) as “Dr. Rock”, who’s kind of like a mash-up of TV horror host and MTV VeeJay. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #4: BRIDE OF MONSTER MANIA (2000) *** ½

Bride of Monster Mania is the third and final documentary in the Monster Mania series that originally aired on AMC.  Once again, Elvira is our hostess with the mostess.  Unlike the last two entries, she narrates the entire special instead of just appearing for the bookend segments.  It’s only fitting, seeing how this one is a salute to women in horror. 

The first segment is on witches and vampires.  Witches are represented by clips from Haxan, I Married a Witch, Bell, Book, and Candle, and Black Sunday, while Dracula’s Daughter, Blood and Roses, Brides of Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire, Twins of Evil, Countess Dracula, and The Lair of the White Worm take care of the vampires.  Then, it’s on to synthetic women in films such as Metropolis, Bride of Frankenstein, She Demons, Frankenstein’s Daughter, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Frankenstein Created Woman, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, The Stepford Wives, and Species.  The next segment is on possessed and powerful women and includes clips from White Zombie, The Exorcist, Beyond the Door, Carrie, and Cat People.  Finally, we come to women who are truly out of this world with scenes from Cat-Women of the Moon, Devil Girl from Mars, The Astounding She-Monster, Queen of Blood, Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, and Alien:  Resurrection. 

What’s interesting about the final segment is the documentary’s assertion that women were portrayed as a threat to humanity in the films of the ‘50s but when Alien came around, it showed that a woman like Sigourney Weaver could be its savior.  It’s that extra level of insight that makes Bride the best of the Monster Mania specials.  It also helps that some of the interviewees are world-class beauties like Martine Beswick and Ingrid Pitt.  Other interview subjects include women professors who opine that the popularity of female monsters is mostly due to their overtly sexual demeanor. 

I was also pleased that we get a lot more of Elvira this time around.  Her one-liners are pretty funny too.  My favorite jab came when she was talking about “synthetic women” and quipped, “I’m not just talking about collagen and silicone!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #3: ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. MONSTER MANIA (1999) ***

Elvira hosts this sequel to the fun documentary/clip show Monster Mania.  Like its predecessor, it originally aired on AMC.  This one, as the title implies, is a salute to giant monster movies.  It’s only an hour long and is a fairly concise history of the subgenre, so fans of monster mashing are likely to enjoy it. 

Narrated by Billy (Lost in Space) Mumy, the special explores early dinosaur films (Gertie the Dinosaur and The Lost World) whose innovations eventually lead to the greatest giant monster movie of all, King Kong.  Other segments are on Atomic Age terrors (like Beginning of the End and Tarantula), giant humans (Dr. Cyclops, War of the Colossal Beast, and Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman), and of course, lots of screen time is devoted to the King of the Monsters himself, Godzilla.  There’s also a bit on British efforts like Gorgo and Konga.  The longest sequence is on Ray Harryhausen’s special effects work for films such as Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, It Came from Beneath the Sea, and 20 Million Miles to Earth. 

This is fun for a while, but by the time the focus shifts to the TV shows of Irwin Allen (Lost in Space, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, and Land of the Giants), the documentary starts losing its way.  It also completely glosses over monster movies of the ‘80s (a brief clip of the Alien Queen from Aliens is about all we get) and the then-new ‘90s films like Starship Troopers and Mighty Joe Young don’t get much screen time.  I will give it points for covering a film that is largely ignored in these kinds of documentaries:  Georges Melies’ The Conquest of the Pole, which featured the screen’s very first giant monster (and the first scene of a man getting eaten by a giant monster).

The movies are represented by a good mix of film clips, trailer snippets, and behind the scenes photos.  Interviewees like Donald F. Glut, Bob Burns, and Forrest J. Ackerman lend their expertise and are fun to listen to.  If it wasn’t so rushed near the homestretch, Attack might’ve been better than the original Monster Mania.  As it stands, I’d say they are about even Steven. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #2: HOUSE OF EVIL (1972) **

Women are being found murdered with their eyeballs torn out.  Meanwhile, old Boris Karloff calls his relatives together to read his last will and testament.  Inside his crumbling mansion, Boris keeps a collection of his family heirlooms, creepy life-sized toy dolls.  When Boris passes in the night, the family members grow antsy about the fortune.  The toys then come to life and begin killing off the guests. 

House of Evil is one of four movies that Boris made South of the Border for co-directors Jack Hill and Juan Ibanez.  They proved to be his final features.  This one has an “Everything but the Kitchen Sink” approach that grafts a killer toy movie onto the bones of an Old Dark House mystery (with a serial killer subplot in there to boot).  When you’re making a cluster of movies in Hollywood while another crew is adding footage down in Mexico, films like this are bound to be uneven due to their very nature.  Calling this one “uneven” is extremely generous.  It’s not Karloff’s worst by far, but it is definitely pretty rough in places. 

Although House of Evil has enough ideas for four movies, it really is a slapdash affair.  While the set-up is sturdy enough, the seams really start to show as the film drags on.  The ending especially feels piecemeal and the way the various plot threads are brought together is unsatisfying to say the least. 

It’s not all bad news though.  The close-ups of the toys are fairly effective.  There’s one kind of cool scene where the life-sized automaton kills his dance partner.  The cutaways to the exterior of the mansion, which is clearly just a painting, are good for a laugh too.  

Boris is surprisingly spry as the crotchety old man.  He seems invested in the role and because of that, the film has a pulse whenever he’s on screen.  Conversely, the scenes without Karloff drag and suffer from a lot of dull exposition.  It’s in these long stretches where the market value of House of Evil plummets. 

AKA:  Dance of Death.  AKA:  Macabre Serenade.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #1: DARK PLACES (1974) ** ½

A looney in an insane asylum kicks off and leaves Robert Hardy his decrepit mansion.  He quickly settles in and plans to spruce the place up.  Meanwhile, a scheming doctor (Christopher Lee) and his sexy sister (Joan Collins) know there’s a bunch of loot stashed somewhere on the grounds.  They plot to sneak around the property and make off with the money.  That might prove difficult seeing how Hardy is slowly slipping in and out of the gruesome memories of the former inhabitant. 

Directed by Don Sharp, Dark Places is a relatively dry British thriller.  While it’s low on chills, it remains watchable throughout.  In fact, the film actually gets better as it goes along and the twist ending is decent enough. 

The reason it works as well as it does is thanks largely to the cast of old pros.  Lee and Collins are quite good as the duo who are trying to pull the wool over Hardy’s eyes.  Although Lee is top billed, his role is mostly a supporting one.  His performance nevertheless is the chief reason to check it out.  Collins is a treat to watch as the seductive maid who easily gets her hooks into Hardy.  Herbert Lom also has a couple of fine moments as Hardy’s lawyer.  Hardy himself manages to surprise while essaying a dual role. 

Sharp does do a good job during the sequences when Hardy begins experiencing flashbacks of the previous owner of the house.  The way he seamlessly weaves the past and present with some simple editing and camerawork is effective.  These sequences kind of hammer home the fact that this is more of a supernaturally tinged soap opera than an out and out horror film.  (Although the final reel has at least one memorable kill.)

In short, Dark Places is one of those “close, but not cigar” kinds of films.  It has many ingredients for a great movie, but it never quite comes together.  It may have worked better at half the length and/or as part of a horror anthology.  Fans of the cast will no doubt be forgiving of its shortcomings.